Chapter Text
Dear Jaehyun,
I’m mad right now. I went to the store and couldn’t choose whether to buy peanut butter or almond butter and it just made me so angry because I have no idea why I’m so indecisive. It’s like I can’t make a decision at all, I’m so weak-willed. This whole situation is a dumb metaphor of my entire life, constantly arguing with myself over every decision I make.
Ugh. I’m reading over what I just wrote and realizing that I make no sense at all.
Today isn’t my day.
Love,
Doyoung
Sometimes Jaehyun has mornings to himself. He rises with the sun, quietly pulling on a sweatshirt before leaving the hotel room, walking through the chilly air as the sunrises. There’s never anything to do, but Jaehyun enjoys the quiet walk that allows him to relax and ignore his instability. He walks a little farther than he normally does this morning, and is happily surprised to see the one cafe in town is already open, warm light cast onto the cement sidewalk.
Jaehyun is immediately assaulted by the scents of cinnamon, coffee and pastries as soft jazz filters through the air from unseen speakers. “Morning, sir,” the barista says, his eyes heavy and betraying how tired he is. ‘Mark,’ as his name tag reads, stifles a yawn and smiles weakly. “What can I get for you?”
“Can I have a macchiato,” Jaehyun says, “and uh,” his eyes scan the menu.
“I recommend the blueberry scone,” a deep voice says as a tall figure steps out of the back kitchen carrying a large tray of muffins.
Jaehyun gulps at the sight of Doyoung’s ‘childhood friend,’ who towers over him. “I’ll have that then.”
“Okay,” Mark says, “what’s your name for the order?”
“Jaehyun.” Johnny, who had been methodically placing muffins into the glass display case, jerks up, almost hitting his head against the counter.
“Jaehyun? As in Jung Jaehyun?” Johnny asks.
Jaehyun wants to sink into the ground and never come back. “Yes,” he says timidly.
Johnny narrows his eyes. “Markles, don’t bother ringing him up. Use my employee discount, this man’s on me.” Johnny steps out from the counter, looking down at Jaehyun. “Let’s talk, Jung Jaehyun.”
Oh god, Jaehyun’s not going to survive this one.
Dear Jaehyun,
I got a phone call from my friend Johnny today! I don’t think you guys ever met, but Johnny and I used to be neighbors and were best friends. He was even my first kiss when I was 12, but once we both went to separate colleges, we sort of drifted away. It was nice to talk to him again, but it really made me miss home.
I’m thinking about visiting again one day, it’d probably be good to go away.
Love,
Doyoung
Jaehyun nervously eats half of his scone before he even sits down.
Johnny relaxes across from him, sinking down into a comfortable armchair, humming along to the sound of the saxophone playing in the background. “So,” he says casually.
“So?”
“You’re the man who broke Kim Doyoung’s heart.” Johnny’s smile drops at the same time as Jaehyun’s stomach.
“You’re the childhood friend who stole his first kiss.” Jaehyun replies.
“Yep,” Johnny says, “we go way back.”
“Oh.”
“I know him better than I know myself, but one thing I’ve never done is met the man who spent years by his side.”
“That’s me,” Jaehyun says weakly.
‘Uh huh. And it seems that you two are planning on trying again. How fun.” Johnny glares. “Tell me Jaehyun, why do you think you deserve to have Doyoung back?”
“I,” Jaehyun sips his coffee, ignoring the way it scorches his tongue. “I think we work.”
Johnny rolls his eyes, “obviously, you’re in each others’ beds almost every night now.”
Jaehyun wishes he could hurl himself off a cliff. “He told you that?”
“We’re very close again, he tells me a lot.” Johnny shrugs, “besides, with how small this town is, everyone knows everyone’s business. Kun has been telling us about all the drama that goes on in that hotel.”
Jaehyun’s cheeks are pink. “Ah.”
“Give me a real answer Jaehyun. Why do you deserve to be with Doyoung again?”
Jaehyun hesitates. “I think, I think I can fix the mistakes I made before.”
Johnny snorts, “you better,” he scoffs under his breath.
“I loved him then, and I love him now,” Jaehyun says, “but it’s different. I’m trying my hardest to be realistic, to understand the difference between infatuation and love. There’s so much about Doyoung I haven’t learned about, that I was too blind to see before.”
Johnny hums, “and do you think you two will actually work?”
“I hope so.”
“Do you know?”
Jaehyun pauses. “No.” He taps his leg anxiously, “but I think that’s okay.”
Johnny raises his eyebrows. “Oh really?”
“Love isn’t predictable, I think it’s fine that it’s an unknown variable. The last time we were together, I thought I knew everything. I tried to make us follow a script, like a movie. But now, now I know that isn’t true. Love isn’t something I can control.”
Johnny stares at Jaehyun. “Right.”
“Doyoung and I, we have our problems, but right now I don’t even know what you can call us. We’ll move at the pace that’s best for us. Maybe we’ll get back together, maybe,” Jahyun looks away, “maybe we’ll never speak to each other again. Either way, it’s okay. As long as Doyoung is happy.”
Johnny taps his fingers to the beat of the jazz playing through the cafe as a silence settles between them. Finally, he sighs, leaning forward. “Jung Jaehyun, you’re different that what I thought you’d be.”
“I hope that’s good.”
Johnny shrugs. “Would you like another scone?”
Dear Jaehyun,
Sicheng says that I should just talk to you instead of writing these letters. I told him I’d try, but we both know I won’t. Maybe one day. But for now, this is good enough.
Love,
Doyoung
Lee Taeyong arrives and Jaehyun’s world turns into a frenzy. Donghyuck is frantic, nervously ranting to Jaehyun about worse-case-scenarios during the time leading up to their meeting. He puts a pause on his budding whatever-this-is he has going on with Doyoung to concentrate on the student who has currently locked himself into the gallery bathroom, Jaehyun frantically knocking on the door while Taeyong pretends not to notice the chaos in the background. “Donghyuck, you’re being ridiculous.”
“Oh my god, oh my god, I’m going to die, oh my god,” Donghyuck’s voice is muffled from inside the bathroom.
“Come out Hyuck, you’ll be fine.”
“No I won’t!” the art student wails, “he’s going to hate me and then I’ll be blacklisted from art forever and-”
“He’s not going to do that,” Jaehyun says, exasperated. “He’s going to love you. You have talent, Donghyuck. I believe in you.”
Donghyuck sniffles before the door cracks open, revealing a tuft of dyed orange hair and eyes that are puffy and rimmed with red. “Really? Do you mean it?”
“Yes.’ Jaehyun says softly, “I do.”
“Okay,” the door gingerly opens and Donghyuck shuffles out. Jaehyun sighs, adjusting the collar of his shirt and fixing Donghyuck’s hair.
“You ready?”
“No.” Donghyuck says, “but let’s go.”
Lee Taeyong is an intimidating man. He lives in black cashmere turtlenecks, a pair of thin wire-rimmed frames rest on the bridge of his nose. He has the type of face that screams to be painted, all angles and striking features. He exudes intelligence, and Jaehyun stifles a laugh when Donghyuck whimpers after Taeyong shakes his hand. “This is Lee Donghyuck, a third-year art student.”
“Lee Taeyong, art curator of the National Museum.”
“Nice to meet you, sir.” Donghyuck says, uncharacteristically shy.
“This section of the gallery is Donghyuck’s,” Jaehyun says, gesturing around them. “Take a look around, tell us what you think.”
Taeyong nods thoughtfully, dress shoes tapping across the wood flooring as he squints at a large painting. Donghyuck and Jaehyun wait—one more calm than the other—as Taeyong slowly moves from one painting to another. Finally, the curator stands in front of them.
“You’re good.”
Donghyuck lets out a sigh of relief.
“But I’m going to have to see more before I decide.”
Donghyuck almost cries.
Jaehyun decides that Donghyuck needs a calming environment, so he takes the duo to the only cafe in town to hopefully cool his nerves over a cup of hot chocolate. Jazz again filters into the air outside when Jaehyun opens the door, but he is pleasantly surprised to see that a live trio consisting of a trumpet, guitar, and upright bass players situated in the corner.
“This is nice,” Taeyong says, smiling softly as the scent of cinnamon and freshly baked pastries assault their scents. Jaehyun nods, walking up to Mark who pauses in his conversation with a tall boy Jaehyun vaguely recognizes as the chef from Huang’s Diner.
“Three hot chocolates please,” Jaehyun says, sliding over a couple of bills. The barista nods and turns to fill out their order. Jaehyun sees Johnny come out of the kitchen carrying a bundle of cakepops and they smile at each other before Johnny ducks into the back again.
“Here you go,” Mark says, handing over three cups. “Good luck,” he whispers to Donghyuck, whose face is devoid of all color as he numbly takes a mug.
They settle in a side booth next to a window, and Jaehyun fumbles in his bag to retrieve a thick manila folder filled with photos of Donghyuck’s works.
“Thank you for coming here Mr. Lee,” Donghyuck says, his fingers nervously tapping against the table along with the smooth jazz in the background.
“Call me Taeyong,” Taeyong answers before smiling, the intimidating art critic suddenly appearing more human. “And the pleasure is all mine. You’re a very talented young artist.”
Donghyuck’s eyes widen, “thank you Mr. Lee—I mean, Taeyong. That means a lot!”
Jaehyun sets down the folder, opening it and sliding glossy photos across the surface of the table. “I think he has a lot of potential. Donghyuck has an eye for color and composition, and all of those elements in his artwork will obviously be honed with time and experience.”
Taeyong nods, sipping on his drink as he holds up one of the photos. “What medium are you most comfortable with?”
“Oils,” Donghyuck automatically responds, “they allow for smooth blends but you can still build on them to make a painterly style.”
“I like the emotions you invoke in your pieces,” Taeyong sets down a photo, depicting a small cafe scene, the very same that made Jaehyun so curious in the first place. “That’s something you can’t learn, you just have to have it.”
“Thank you,” Donghyuck smiles.
“I’m going to be honest with you,” Taeyong says, flipping through more pieces, “I didn’t really expect much from this. But after looking at your pieces, I think we really have something here.”
Jaehyun beams at Donghyuck, who looks like he’s about to scream. “Are you kidding me?”
“No,” Taeyong laughs, “I’d like it if you went to Seoul with me to discuss putting a few pieces up or being a featured young artist.”
“Yes!” Donghyuck exclaims, “I will, oh my god!” He grins and leans across the booth, wrapping his hands around Taeyong’s frame. The curator’s eyes widen in surprise before he awkwardly hugs Donghyuck back. “Thank you so much, you won’t regret it! And uh, I’ve been holding it in for the past few hours but I really need to go to the bathroom so bye!” Donghyuck leaps up and scurries away, almost running into one of the live musicians as Taeyong watches him in shock.
“He’s interesting,” Taeyong shakes his head, a fond smile on his face.
“Yes,” Jaehyun agrees.
“We need to talk about something else though.” Taeyong’s eyes narrow, “Yuta’s been filling me in.”
Jaehyun laughs awkwardly, “did he?”
“Yes,” Taeyong stares Jaehyun down, “he also told me to drag you back home if you and Doyoung weren’t back together by now.”
Jaehyun’s stomach drops. “Shit, I forgot about that.”
“Well, am I going to have to force you in my suitcase?”
“Uh-”
“Let me rephrase that,” Taeyong rolls his eyes, “are you and Doyoung together?”
“Kind of? Maybe?” Jaehyun says sheepishly, avoiding Taeyong’s eyes. “No.”
Taeyong sighs, “I should have known.”
“Wait! We’re just not official yet, that’s all.”
Taeyong frowns, “Jaehyun, don’t you think you need to move on? It’s been over six months-”
“No.” Jaehyun says firmly, “we’ll work this out, okay? Just give me some time.”
Taeyong takes another sip of his drink, “I don’t know Jaehyun, I was only planning on staying here a few days.”
“I know, just—please.”
Taeyong looks down, “I’m going to grab another drink.” He stands up, looking back at Jaehyun. “I don’t know if I can stay longer, Jaehyun. You know that.”
“Yeah,” Jaehyun stares into the swirls of chocolate and whipped cream in his drink before he looks at Taeyong’s back. His mind is racing, but the thoughts are suddenly halted when five things happen.
One, Johnny steps out from behind the counter, carrying a tray of glasses filled with coffee. His eyes lay on Taeyong and he freezes.
Two, the live band takes a break, the trumpet player setting down his instrument on a stand, grabbing the microphone and announcing to the coffeeshop his name, Liu Yangyang. He's halfway through introducing their upright bass, Wong Kunhang and their guitar player, Xiao Dejun, when he turns, his leg suddenly jutting out and knocking against the shiny brass of his instrument.
Three, the trumpet goes flying, somehow striking Johnny’s knees.
Four, Johnny trips, and the platter of drinks goes down with him.
Five, time seems to stop as Taeyong stands in front of him, suddenly drenched in ice coffee.
“Oh shit,” Yangyang curses softly into the microphone. Donghyuck, who had just emerged from the bathroom, looks at the scene before him in horror before he slowly creeps behind the counter, standing next to Mark who is trying to stifle a laugh. Jaehyun watches as Donghyuck sinks down below the counter, knowing that the artist is probably repeatedly knocking his head against the display case right now.
“Oh my god I’m so sorry,” Johnny says frantically, grabbing a giant wad of napkins and desperately trying to clean iced caramel macchiato off of Taeyong’s cashmere turtleneck. “Fuck, I don’t know what happened I usually have good reflexes-”
“It’s fine,” Jaehyun observes as Taeyong’s hands fly up to stop Johnny from patting his chest again, the curator’s cheeks dusted with red, “it was just an accident.”
Johnny is undeterred, his panic-stricken mind desperately trying to think of a solution. “Is there anyway I can fix this? Free coffee? Oh god, your sweater was probably really expensive. Here, take mine!” Jaehyun’s eyes widen as Johnny hurriedly pulls off his own light blue sweater and holds it out to Taeyong. He tries not to laugh as Taeyong’s flush turns even darker, the curator’s eyes moving around wildly. Mark laughs loudly in the background.
“Y-You’re shirtless.” Taeyong says quietly.
Johnny looks down and suddenly his cheeks match Taeyong as he puts on his sweater again as fast as he can. “Fuck,” Johnny groans, “I’m just making things worse, aren’t I?”
Taeyong nods awkwardly.
“Uh, well, I’m sorry this happened.”
“It’s fine,” Taeyong says, clearly looking for an escape.
“Can I make it up to you? Stop by sometime, I’ll give you free drinks whenever you want.”
Taeyong’s eyes widen and he flushes again, “o-okay,” he says before he immediately turns around and heads back towards Jaehyun. Johnny stares for a second before he darts back into the kitchen, ignoring the way Mark whistles at him.
Jaehyun watches Taeyong sit down across from him again, cheeks still pink. “So,” he grins cheekily, “thinking of staying?”
Taeyong looks down, “two weeks. You get two weeks.”
Dear Jaehyun,
Do you ever think about what would happen if we got back together again? I try not to, but it’s always in the back of my mind.
Even though I know we won’t, I hope that if we do, we learn from our mistakes.
Love,
Doyoung
Doyoung stares at him in horror from across the breakfast table. Taeyong is still jet lagged, and probably bundled in a pile of blankets upstairs in his room, so Jaehyun takes advantage of the alone time. “Johnny did what?”
“He spilled coffee on Taeyong, took off his shirt, and then asked him out on a date.”
“You’re kidding me. Johnny doesn’t go on dates, he’s too busy.” Doyoung frowns.
“Well I mean, he offered him free drinks and told him to come back to the cafe-”
“Oh my god,” Doyoung groans, “in Johnny world, he basically just proposed to him.”
Jaehyun shrugs and sips his coffee. “It was cute.”
Doyoung eyes him with confusion, “how? It seems like a horrible situation.”
“Like one of those ‘meet-cute’ situations. I don’t know, they were both so flustered. It was kind of romantic.”
“Taeyong’s sweater got ruined,” Doyoung says dryly, “and Johnny committed public indecency.”
“The beginning of a beautiful love story.”
Doyoung rolls his eyes, “you always think things are like that. You were the one who realized Sicheng and Yuta were dating before me. I don’t know how you do it.”
“Maybe it’s just the way my brain works,” Jaehyun says, “I think I just see the world like that.”
“Through rose-colored glasses.”
“Heart-shaped glasses. I don’t think it’s rose-colored, because I’m not being idealistic, I’m just seeing things that most people wouldn’t.”
Doyoung pauses, looking at Jaehyun thoughtfully. “Yeah, maybe you are.”
They decide to take Taeyong out. Doyoung is excited to show off his hometown to someone new, and while Jaehyun is weary about parties, he’s glad to see Doyoung happy. Johnny joins them for the night, immediately causing Taeyong to rethink his outfit choice over-and-over again until Jaehyun finally pushes him out of his hotel room, wearing the same v-neck tee and tight jeans he tried on the first time.
“It’s a small place, but it’s still fun.” Doyoung says, and Jaehyun can feel the low thrum of the bass deep in his body as they get closer to the building. They arrive at a small nightclub, greeted by groups of people dancing inside the dark interior. “C’mon! I know the bartender, so we’ll get free drinks!” Doyoung yells over the loud music. Johnny’s tall frame parts the seas of people as the small group approaches the bar. “Jungwoo!”
The bartender glances up from where he’s sliding a shot glass over the counter and beams, walking over to them. “Kim Doyoung! Haven’t seen you in forever!” His soft voice is almost lost amid the noise of people enjoying themselves. “What brings you here?”
“Decided to come back home for a bit,” Doyoung shrugs.
Jungwoo nods before grinning at Johnny. “Are you here to DJ tonight?”
“You’re a DJ?” Taeyong asks as Johnny sheepishly smiles.
“Sometimes, but I’m not very good.”
Jungwoo rolls his eyes, “yeah right, he’s great. Don’t listen to him. Sucks that you aren’t doing it tonight, but I heard Mark might take over later so that’ll be fun.”
Johnny nods, “oh yeah he was talking about it. He’s excited but I had to tell him to stop plugging his SoundCloud, it’s annoying.”
Taeyong laughs and Johnny smiles fondly at him. “Oh?” Jungwoo snickers, “what’s this?”
They both turn bright red and look away quickly. “Just give us some shots Woo.” Doyoung says.
“Alright,” Jungwoo says before grabbing a couple of bottles of clear liquid and expertly twirling them around as he pours them into glasses. “Here you go, four ‘let’s change the subject Jungwoo’s coming right up.” Doyoung rolls his eyes before downing the shot.
Jaehyun does the same, grimacing as his throat burns before a warm feeling slowly settles in his body.
He’s not sure when they end up dancing, but all he knows is that a few hours later the air around them is hot—too hot. Mark screams into the microphone every few songs to follow his SoundCloud, and the harsh beats and bass thrum deep throughout Jaheyun’s body. Johnny and Taeyong had long gone off on their own, and Jaehyun’s eyes can’t find the two as he scans over the crowd, but he can see Doyoung shoving through the bodies to reach him, before he ultimately stumbles and Jaehyun finds himself suddenly holding his arms out as Doyoung falls against his chest.
“Sorry,” Doyoung murmurs against his ear, the scent of vodka emanating off of him. His breath is warm against Jaehyun’s skin as Jaehyun’s arms wrap around Doyoung’s slim waist. “‘S too hot, feel like ‘m suffocating.” The other slurs.
“Wanna get out of here?” Jaehyun asks quietly, already shoving through the crowds to the exit. He grunts, finding it difficult to move Doyoung along so he just picks up the other, Doyoung’s legs automatically wrapping around his hips.
Doyoung nods, his head slumping against Jaehyun’s shoulder. “Tired,” he mutters.
“I know,” Jaehyun says, his hand rubbing up and down Doyoung’s back. He nods awkwardly at Jungwoo on the way out, the bartender waving eagerly at them.
The night air is blissfully chilly against Jaehyun’s skin but Doyoung buries himself further into Jaehyun’s arms, the other’s lanky body contorting awkwardly against Jaehyun’s chest. Their hotel is only a few blocks away, but Jaehyun only makes it halfway before Doyoung shoves against his chest, surprising Jaehyun before he’s abruptly dropped to the ground. Doyoung groans. “Shit! Doyoung I’m sorry!”
“I don’t feel good,” Doyoung says, clutching his stomach before he rolls over and throws up the contents of his stomach into a nearby bush. “Fuck.”
“Oh my god,” Jaehyun rubs Doyoung’s back as the other moans, “are you okay?”
“Drank too much.”
“Yeah,” Jaehyun pulls Doyoung to his feet, ”let’s get you to bed.” Jaehyun drags a tired Doyoung towards the hotel. It’s almost 3 in the morning, so Kun isn’t behind the front desk like he normally is as Jaehyun and Doyoung stumble onto the elevator. Doyoung is half-asleep so Jaehyun heads down the hall to his room, sliding his key card through the scanner. “C’mon Bunny, why don’t you brush your teeth? You’ll feel better,” he mutters while leading Doyoung to the bathroom.
Doyoung dutifully obeys, using Jaehyun’s toothbrush and splashing water on his face. Meanwhile, Jaehyun takes out an old t-shirt for Doyoung and sets it on the bathroom counter. A few minutes later, Doyoung emerges, wrapped in an oversized tee and boxers. He wordlessly joins Jaehyun on the bed, lifting up the covers and burying himself into a pillow. “Sorry,” Doyoung’s muffled voice says.
Jaehyun pulls the covers over the two of them, turning off the lamp on his bedside table. “Sorry about what?”
“Getting drunk, making you leave early, throwing up.”
Jaehyun chuckles, “it really wasn’t that bad.” The sheets rustle and Jaehyun can just make out Doyoung turning over to look at him in the dark.
“It was gross,” Doyoung’s fingers trace shapes on the mattress between them. “I’m gross.”
“You aren’t,” Jaehyun says, “shit happens. I don’t really care.”
Doyoung looks down. “I probably looked disgusting.”
“It’s normal Doyoung, I didn’t think you looked disgusting. Sure, I felt bad for you, but I’d never think that.”
Doyoung stares at Jaehyun, for a long time. Jaehyun feels like the sound of the clock ticking on his bedside table is deafening. “You always did this.”
“Did what?”
“You’re not seeing me as a flawed person, again.” Doyoung frowns.
Jaehyun narrows his eyes. “Jesus Christ Doyoung, it isn’t a big deal-”
“I threw up! In a fucking bush!”
“Yes, and I’m not going to call you disgusting because of that,” Jaehyun sighs. “I shouldn’t have to see you as gross or whatever for me to see you as human. There’s a difference between realism and just plain pessimism.”
“But-”
“We’ve been over this. Yes, I needed to stop idealizing you, to fall in love with who you were as a person, not just this wild notion of love I built up in my head. But you also need to stop seeing all your flaws as this, blemish or fallacy to your entire life.”
Doyoung scowls. “Flaws aren’t good.”
“No, they aren’t. But they’re not horrible. They don’t make you less of a person, they make you a more well-rounded person. Doyoung, I’m never going to associate words like ‘gross’ and ‘disgusting’ with you. It’s not,” Jaehyun sighs, “it’s not a bad thing that I find you beautiful.”
Doyoung is quiet. “Maybe we can meet in the middle.”
Jaehyun reaches out to pull Doyoung towards his chest. “We can.” He breathes out, before they’re both leaning forward and lips are overlapping, Jaehyun rolling them over until he’s leaning over Doyoung, never disconnecting the soft pressure of their lips against each other.
Dear Jaehyun,
I don’t know who to blame for our breakup. It could have been you, with the way you put me on an unrealistic pedestal, ignored who I really was, and didn’t see me as a real person. But it was also probably me, because I only focus on the negatives, blow things out of proportion, and have shitty communication skills.
Maybe it was both of us.
Love,
Doyoung
“How are you two doing?” Taeyong asks while they’re eating instant ramen in Donghyuck’s shitty studio apartment. The artist had stepped out for a second to meet up with his friends and let Taeyong and Jaehyun stay in his apartment, flipping through canvases.
“It’s good,” Jaehyun says. “We’re getting there.”
“Uh huh,” Taeyong examines a still-life. “But is it good enough?”
“What do you mean?”
“Will he come back with us?”
Jaehyun’s mouth twists around his chopsticks. “I don’t know. He’s talked about coming back recently, but we haven’t really addressed it. We haven’t even addressed us. Like, put a label on it.”
Taeyong glances at Jaehyun over a canvas. “You might want to do that.” He slurps up a spoonful of noodles.
“Well what about you and Johnny?”
Taeyong pauses, “I don’t know either.”
“Hm.”
“I think we’re just going to see where it takes us. Besides, it’s really only been a thing for what—a week? Things will be fine if it doesn’t go anywhere, I really don’t even know him.” Taeyong sounds like he’s trying to convince himself of the truth.
“That sucks,” Jaehyun says.
“I know.” Taeyong frowns. “But it’ll be good while it lasts. And who knows, maybe we’ll work.” He looks up at Jaehyun. “Stop changing the subject though, you need to make a choice.”
Jaehyun stuffs his face full of ramen to avoid speaking.
“Either Doyoung comes back with us or he stays here, and we both know that if he does, you’ll probably never get back together. Figure it out Jaehyun.”
Jaehyun sighs. “I will.”
Dear Jaehyun,
I started packing earlier today. It’s weird, to be leaving the place that I’ve called home for so long. I hope I’ll feel good enough to come back one day.
Love,
Doyoung
“We should talk.” Jaehyun says, the morning sunlight filtering into his hotel room as Doyoung reads a newspaper next to the window, still wearing pajamas, the large t-shirt slipping off of his shoulders to reveal purple bruises.
Doyoung looks up, surprised. “Oh?”
“I—I need to show you something.” Jaehyun mutters, leaning down from the bed and grabbing his bookbag, which lays crumpled on the floor. He opens up the pouch, turning the bag upside down and letting piles of cream colored paper hit the floor.
Doyoung’s fingers clench around the newspaper, the sound of crumpled paper filling the room. “Where did you get these?” He asks quietly.
“I found them, in our old apartment. I still had the key.” Jaehyun says. “They’re-”
“I know what they are. I wrote them,” Doyoung stands up on shaky legs, his bare feet making no sounds as he walks over and picks up a piece of paper. “Dear Jaehyun,” he reads outloud, mumbling. “So you knew?” Doyoung looks up, his voice hysterical. “You knew I was still in love with you?”
“Yes,” Jaehyun responds, his voice small.
“Okay, okay.” Doyoung says, backing up. Jaehyun latches onto the other’s wrist, stopping him in his tracks.
“I’m sorry, I know it’s an invasion of privacy-”
Doyoung laughs bitterly, “that’s the understatement of the year.”
“I just—after I got your first letters, I needed answers.”
“Well,” Doyoung gestures down to the letters, “you fucking found them.”
“They’re the reason I came out here.” Jaehyun says, “God, even the thought that you still loved me, it forced me into action. I can’t lose you Doyoung, not again.”
Doyoung stares into Jaehyun’s eyes, “I don’t want you to.”
“Then how about we start again?”
Doyoung looks vulnerable, his frame slumping forward. “I don’t know, I’m just-”
“Just what?”
“I’m just scared.”
“I know, I am too.” Jaehyun says, “but we can make it work.”
“But things, they aren’t perfect yet.”
“They don’t need to be,” Jaehyun intertwines their fingers, “we can figure stuff out. Everything doesn’t need to be flawless before we start over. We just need to talk about it.”
“Okay, let’s talk then.” Doyoung says tentatively.
“We have a lot of issues to get past,” Jaehyun says, “but I think we’re starting to move forward.”
“How so?”
“Doyoung, you’re beautiful. You’re intelligent, witty, and kind. But you’re also a pessimist, you have coffee breath after breakfast, and you tend to get wrapped up in your writing and ignore the outside world for weeks. I want to be with you, but I want to be with all of you. Not just the things that I think make you a masterpiece, but also all of the sketches and lines underneath, that no one else sees.”
Doyoung stares at Jaehyun, “I think, I think I misjudged you. Before, you didn’t see me as human, but now I’m not so sure. I still think you were idealizing us, holding us up to a standard I felt pressured to meet, but now I know that you see everything in a different light than I do. The version of life you live is more romantic. You see the beauty in everything. I just,” Doyoung laughs bitterly, “I want things to be perfect, and yet, I know they aren’t.”
“Nothing should be perfect,” Jaehyun says, his head tilting forward.
“No, it shouldn’t be. And that’s okay,” Doyoung smiles and steps towards Jaehyun.
“Yes it is.” Jaehyun’s lips land against Doyoung’s their intertwined hands resting between them. Doyoung’s free hand rises up to tangle in the hair on Jaehyun’s nape while Jaehyun rubs his thumb soothingly into Doyoung’s side. Jaehyun’s tongue swipes across Doyoung’s bottom lip and the other opens up eagerly, pressing himself even closer to Jaehyun. Jaehyun smiles into the kiss as he moves against the other, grinning cheekily when Doyoung’s moan is muffled by Jaehyun.
They separate, panting, their chests moving to the same rhythm. Jaehyun breaks the string of saliva connecting them. “Do you want to try again? For real?”
“Yes.” Doyoung says, beaming.
“Doyoung, will you come home with me?” Jaehyun asks.
Doyoung pauses. “Yes, I think it’s time I came back.”
They lean forward again, meeting each other halfway.
Dear Jaehyun,
I had another dream about us. We were just sitting on the couch, watching a movie. I don’t remember which one, because you kept trying to kiss me.
Sicheng tells me that sometimes dreams come true. God, I sure hope so.
Love,
Doyoung
Jaehyun lazily throws things into his suitcase, a stark difference from how neatly his suitcase was packed when he first arrived. Taeyong was waiting for him downstairs, and according to the multiple texts he had received from the other, so was Donghyuck, who was currently bouncing off the walls with his excitement. As Jaehyun zips up the suitcase, shoving all of his clothes in a disorganized mess in order to close it, he receives another text from Doyoung.
[DOYOUNG]: i just got downstairs! hurry up, i think taeyong is about to kill donghyuck
[DOYOUNG]: johnny’s here tho. ig he wanted to say goodbye
Jaehyun slips his phone into his pocket, glancing around the hotel room before his eyes rest on the pile of letters, organized neatly onto the hotel desk. He pauses, staring at them before grabbing the stack and throwing them into the trash can. Right before he moves away however, something catches his eye and he bends down to fish it out of the bin. It’s written on white hotel stationary and Jaehyun quickly unfolds it, flattening out the paper with his palm against the desk.
Dear Jaehyun,
I’m still in love with you.
Love,
Doyoung
Jaehyun’s heart beats wildly as he scrambles for a pen, ripping off a sheet of the same stationary. The cheap hotel ballpoint pen refuses to work for a few moments, but soon, he’s scrawling his message back to Doyoung on the paper and slipping it into his pocket.
Dear Doyoung,
I’m still in love with you too.
Love,
Jaehyun