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Maybe you were too inebriated by the sight of Sean again, or perhaps it was the drunken feeling of happiness that got you singing with others, leaving him to do whatever he pleased. But deep down, you know it was trust that lead to what when on. Trust that he wouldn’t do that, by him it was trust that he wouldn’t get caught. Trust that you no longer had.
It was bound to happen, really. A charmer, like he said, and you failed to see that Sean wasn’t just charming to you. But never, not even through a split second of thoughts crossing your mind, you would have guessed that he would go all the way through.
“Ya love me, admit it.”, you heard what you would gladly confess. But you were not the one being asked.
“I’d rather love a snake.”, Karen replied, in that giggly tone, encouraging.
It had to be another one of his mindless jokes, and you would believe so, if something inside you had not broke. That awful cold-feet feeling, which assures you to know what’s about to happen.
You would not interfere. Your stillness meant a question: how far would he actually go?
Your two eyes witnessed the kiss, as a ghost from his past. His hand caressed her cheek, and your heart was broke in two. His own two feet followed her, as nothing else was stopping Sean. Not even you.
Maybe he would come around, the tiny piece inside you claimed. The same piece that believed in him, that believed in justice, love and other silly concepts. But that piece was too small for living in a world like that. And you wanted to make sure that there would be nothing left of it. The perfect murder of that piece was standing there, and hearing everything.
You would sit on the ground, if your knees hadn’t failed you. Every nerve was wired to that breathy sound between kisses, you received the gut-wrenching memoir that his jokes about John and his tent , his famous humor, were not yours to keep. They were Karen’s.
“Sean!”, a name that slipped your tongue so many times, now stained, out of hers.
Staining your memories as well, your cheeks flushing with rage, shame. And then a hand on your shoulder.
“Come on, Y/N, you can’t do this to yourself...”, it was Arthur, looking with disapproval at the shaking tent, “ Please?”
He offered you his hand. His kindness clashing against how cruel that moment was. You were guided by him to your tent, or at least that’s what you assumed. The shell you were turned into laid beside your empty sheets. Empty, just like you.
“Good morning, love.”
You heard his voice. It was the same wobbly one, It just wasn’t the same person as you once knew. With lake eyes, still and cold, you stared away, to some tree behind him, not focusing once on his face.
“Got out of bed on the wrong side, eh?”, he said, daring to chuckle.
“Drop the act, Sean. Be an adult for once in your life and own the things you do.”, you said with your patience bursting.
“Oh... That? Y/N I didn’t -“
“I don’t know how to say this so your pea brain understands...”, you sighed, gathering the few strength you had left, “I don’t fucking care, Sean! Do whatever, just go away.”
In some level you only hoped his heart withered just like yours did. It was time to build your walls up again. To the sound of his stutter and steps chasing you, every thought or feeling was suppressed.
But now, to the safety of your tent, was much easier to embrace the grief of all things you once hoped for. Being alone like this was too familiar, too painful. In the end, like many times before, there was no one else there for you. Your tears would salt your own wounds. And how they flooded your eyes. There was no turning back, and all the things left unsaid, the places you two were yet to visit, the future he promised... Were gone before even being.
“I...I uh, sorry this awkward. Wanna talk, Y/N?”, there was discomfort on Arthur’s voice, sure, but his face, his open hands, they seemed so gentle.
Sitting beside the tower of blankets you built around you, he bumped his shoulder on yours.
“I’ve seen pain Y/N, hell, I even pretended it didn’t bother me.”, he sighed, his gaze, lost in memories, “but let me tell you, it’s worse... to bury it, I mean.”
“I’m done caring about this! Or if someone will ever see me for me.”, it was obvious your feelings were not under control, at all, “I’m... I’m afraid Arthur, that I deserve this, and I’m even more afraid if I don’t.”
“You don’t! You are one of the good ones.”, Arthur said, “what happened, it wasn’t your fault...”
“Karen is all that I’m not... goddamn I wouldn’t even date me if was him... I don’t deserve... I don’t think I deserve love.
“You deserve better than that. I’m not one to judge, Y/N, but love doesn’t betray.”
That realization made you finally understand. There was nothing left between you and Sean. There was only the past, that you would soon forget, just as he would. And then, when this finally happened... you would be all alone. It was all too sad to even fathom.
“I had my shot at love, Arthur. And I wasted it. I’ll be all alone, I just know it...”
Sean wasn’t anything like you, and unable to control himself he barged into your tent, his green eyes about to pop with anxiety.
“Y/N, I know I messed up. But hear me out would ya?”, he tried taking your hands in his only to be repelled by your eyes, they looked so scared, “I love ya! I know how that sounds after what I’ve done! But I was drunk-“
“No, not the drunk excuse. You are better than this, Sean.”
“Or not...”, you heard Arthur saiy under his breath. He was still there, embarrassed to death, but by your side.
“I didn’t mean to... Hearing ya say those things, it really hurts me y’know? I fucked up things, that’s what I do... but shite! I love you Y/N and -“
And you stopped listening. Deep down, you had all the answers, the inevitable lonely future already waved at you. No self respect, but your pride spoke louder than your need for company.
“Would ya forgive me?”
Love or fear? Safety or freedom? His question was a sea of doubts. And as you drowned yourself in that teal wave of uncertainty, it hit you.
You had been looking for love in all the wrong places. Saying you would be all alone when there was someone there for you, right beside you in the very moment. It took seeing Arthur’s blue eyes smiling at you, to realize that love is not only romantic. And that you had never been truly alone.