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Juyeon can hear hushed murmuring coming from the kitchen as he makes his way down the short hallway, still rubbing sleep out of his eyes. The low voices of his members are too indistinct for him to make out any words, but there's an urgency in the tone of the conversation that makes him idly wonder what's going on. But only idly, because it’s way too early in the morning for any serious mental exertion. He's barely giving it any thought even as he wanders into the kitchen, plonks himself on one of the empty chairs around the table.
“Morning,” murmurs Chanhee gently from next to Juyeon. He has his elbows on the table, chin in his hands, gives Juyeon a little head tilt in greeting. “Sleep well?”
“Yeah, fine,” mumbles Juyeon. He grabs one of the steamed buns from the centre of the table, chomps down on it. Glances around them. Sangyeon's leaning against the counters, looking far more stressed than anyone should be at eight in the morning. Jacob is standing next to him, and Sunwoo is sitting on a chair, turned round to face his hyungs. Both of them are muttering furiously to their leader. None of them seem to have noticed Juyeon's appearance.
The energy in the room is weird — and that's a massive understatement. Juyeon frowns at Chanhee. “What's going on?”
Chanhee doesn't answer immediately, instead makes a face. That's odd, too. Juyeon tries to listen in on the conversation happening on the other side of the table, but can only catch the odd word or phrase. “Doesn't mean anything”, “talk to them”, “are we even sure”, “I saw what I saw”.
None of this makes any sense. Juyeon’s frown deepens, and he turns to Chanhee expectantly.
Chanhee sighs heavily. “Last night,” he starts, hesitating. He's eyeing Juyeon kind of warily, and Juyeon can't imagine why. “Last night, some of the guys had a couple of drinks, remember?”
Juyeon nods slowly. They had a rare free day today, and so last night Eric had suggested that they celebrate their debut by cracking open a couple bottles of soju, and roughly half of the group had been up for it. Juyeon would have joined in, except that he had been well and truly exhausted and had collapsed straight into bed and fallen asleep and not stirred in the slightest until twenty minutes ago.
Chanhee scrunches up his tiny nose. “Uh, well — apparently everyone started heading to bed around midnight,” he explains, “but not Hyunjae hyung, or, um — Hwall.”
That's not unusual — Hyunjae and Hyunjoon are close, they all know that. Aside from Juyeon himself, Hyunjae is probably the member that Hyunjoon is closest with. Juyeon thinks back to the time Hyunjoon picked Hyunjae as his favourite member. Tries to ignore the pinprick of jealousy that jolts in his heart, stinging almost as sharply as it did at the time.
Juyeon shakes the memory out of his mind. He and Hyunjoon are close, and he knows that — what does it matter if Hyunjoon and Hyunjae are close too? But there's something in the way Chanhee's looking at him that makes Juyeon suddenly nervous. He can feel his heart thumping out a pacy rhythm in his chest. “Yeah?” he urges, schooling his face into neutrality. “Did something happen?”
Chanhee purses his lips, eyes darting over to where Sunwoo is muttering to Sangyeon in rapidfire Korean, voice still too low to make out properly.
“Uh,” mumbles Chanhee. “Yeah.” He brushes his fingers against his fringe, fluffing it up, the way he does when he's nervous. “Sunwoo woke up for a piss around one in the morning, and, um —” he trails off, like he's lost the will to speak.
Juyeon feels like he already knows what's coming, but he still needs to ask. “And what?” he presses. “And what?”
Chanhee stares intently at Juyeon. “We aren't sure what Sunwoo actually saw,” he says. “This might all be nothing.”
But it might not be, is the implication. It might be something.
“Just tell me,” Juyeon says. He can barely keep the frustration out of his voice.
Chanhee sighs heavily. “Sunwoo thinks he saw Hyunjae hyung and Hyunjoon — kissing.”
Something inside Juyeon snaps at those words. “Oh,” he says, staring blankly at Chanhee, who's still watching him carefully. Juyeon tries to pretend he doesn't notice the scrutiny he's under, turns to look over at the impromptu conference in the kitchen. “Right.”
“But they didn't see Sunwoo,” Chanhee continues, “and Sunwoo says it was dark so he’s not a hundred percent sure if they were kissing anyway, or if they were just, uh — really close to each other. So now Sangyeon's hyung trying to decide whether or not to talk to them about it.”
As if on cue, Sunwoo lets out an exasperated huff, and turns back round in his chair. The others turn their gazes with him, and that's when they notice Juyeon.
“Oh, you're up,” Sangyeon says. He winces, glancing between Juyeon and Chanhee. “I suppose Chanhee's told you what happened?”
“Essentially,” Juyeon replies. He takes another nibble of his half-eaten steamed bun. His stomach churns.
Sangyeon rubs his fingers against his temples. “What do you think we should do?” he asks. “If it was just a drunken thing, we'll probably just make it weirder by talking about it.”
“On the other hand,” Jacob pipes up, “if it isn’t just a drunken thing, we should probably talk about what this means for us as a group.”
Sunwoo nods fervently. “Yeah,” he adds, “What if Joon and Hyunjae hyung are like — in love, or something?”
Juyeon feels his chest twist. It makes him feel sick. All he wants, now, is to get out of this conversation. Chanhee throws him a look, one that Juyeon ignores.
“I still think we should talk to them, regardless,” says Sangyeon. He looks directly at Juyeon. There's that same wariness in his eyes that's starting to annoy Juyeon. “What do you think?”
“I don't — I don't know?” Juyeon stammers out, his voice rising in volume. Everyone in the kitchen stares at him in shock. Juyeon can feel the anxiety quivering underneath his skin, can't stop it now. “It’s none of my business, I don't know,” he says again, more quietly but also more firmly.
The chair legs scrape against the floor as he pushes himself to stand up. Jacob winces at the sound.
“Juyeon, are you okay?” Sangyeon asks slowly.
“I'm fine,” snaps Juyeon, a little more sharply than he'd intended. Sunwoo frowns at him like he's puzzling something out in his head.
“What's going on?”
Juyeon whips his head round. Kevin's standing in the entryway to the kitchen, looking bemusedly at the scene in front of him. Sort of behind him, half hidden from view, is Hyunjoon, eyes bright and darting from member to member. When his gaze falls on Juyeon, his lips part, like he's about to say something. Juyeon wrenches his gaze away before Hyunjoon can speak. His heart is pounding in his chest so hard he thinks he might be sick.
“Seriously, what's going on?” repeats Kevin, forming his words slowly and carefully. “Is everything okay?”
Juyeon is desperate, at this point, to extricate himself from this conversation. He makes an indistinct grunt of asset. “Everything's fine,” he mutters gruffly, trying to step around Kevin and Hyunjoon to get out of the kitchen.
But Hyunjoon's turning to look at him, openness and trust scrawled across his face as always, and it makes Juyeon’s chest ache. “Hyung,” he's saying, “where are you going?”
“Dance studio,” blurts out Juyeon, without thinking. Because he needs to get out of the dorm, and where else would he go?
“But we don't have practice scheduled today,” says Jacob, perfectly innocently.
Juyeon makes another grunting noise. “I want to work on some new stuff.”
Hyunjoon’s eyes dart around the room. Realisation seems to dawn on him as he figures out what they'd been talking about before he arrived. “Hyung,” he says again, and there's a distinct tinge of worry in his voice.
But Juyeon doesn't want to hear it, drunken mistake or true love or otherwise. Doesn't want to hear conformation that what Sunwoo thought he saw was true, or a denial that would only serve to raise more questions than it would answer.
“I should get going,” he says, cutting across Hyunjoon. “I might be late, don't wait up for me,” he adds, even though it's not even nine in the morning, and is he really going to practice for over twelve hours all by himself? But if that's what he's got to do to avoid talking about it, then that's what he's going to do.
He doesn't wait for anyone to object, just strides out of the kitchen without looking back. As he leaves, he can't help but hear Kevin mutter in confusion, “What's the matter with him?”
What is the matter with him? Juyeon might have an idea, but he really, really doesn't want to think about it.
—
It gets to lunchtime and Juyeon is wondering whether to spend money getting takeaway, or risk heading back to the dorms, when the door to the dance studio opens slowly. Juyeon looks up from where he’s seated on the floor, back against the mirrors and legs stretched out in front of him.
Kevin pokes his head in. “Chicken delivery,” he announces, holding up a plastic bag that reeks of delicious fried chicken.
“What are you doing here?”
Kevin grins, sits down in the middle of the room and starts unpacking the chicken. “What, you're the only one who can work on a day off?” he asks teasingly. Juyeon shuffles over towards him, peers hungrily into the bag of food. “I was tinkering about with some new songs,” Kevin explains, “thought I'd pop in for food and a chat.”
Juyeon eyes Kevin warily, even as he picks up a piece of chicken and tucks in. “More the chat than the food, I'm guessing,” he says, because he knows that look on Kevin's face, and they might as well get it all out in the open as soon as possible.
“Both, equally,” insists Kevin, carefully selecting a piece of chicken for himself. “But yes, the other guys told me what happened.”
“Why are you here talking to me about it?” Juyeon asks. “It has nothing to do with me.”
Kevin raises his eyebrows at Juyeon. “You know why,” he says, gently. “Why were you so pissed off when you found out?”
Juyeon's about to deny being pissed off, when he realises there’s no point. He sighs heavily, rakes his fingers through his hair. “I don't know,” he mumbles. He's been thinking about it all morning, hasn't been able to stop thinking about it. There's a stinging feeling of rejection that twists in his chest. “It’s just — he didn’t tell me about it? I thought he would have told me, if he and Hyunjae hyung were like, a thing, you know?”
“They're not a thing, I don't think,” Kevin points out. The certainty with which he says this makes Juyeon’s heart stutter.
“How do you know that?”
Kevin rolls his eyes, nibbling delicately on his chicken wing. “Because, you doofus, after you bolted out of the dorms some of us talked to them about it.”
Juyeon swallows around the tightness constricting his throat. “Oh,” he mumbles. “Okay.” He wants to know what they talked about, what was said — what Hyunjoon said, in particular, not that he'd ever admit to that — but he doesn't know how to ask.
Thankfully, Kevin knows what he's thinking, as he always seems to. “They were just talking, and had one drink too many, and one thing led to another,” he explains. “Even when we assured them that, no matter what, we would find a way to work it out — they were adamant that it wasn't a thing.”
So, that's a relief, probably. But Juyeon's brain latches onto the fact that — apparently — neither of them had denied what Sunwoo had seen. Which means that, whether or not they were officially a thing — they had still been kissing. And that's — even if that's not a thing, that's still something, right?
Kevin seems to read his mind again, stretches out his foot and gives Juyeon's leg a nudge. “Hey,” he murmurs in that soothing, calming voice he has, “don't overthink it.”
Juyeon chews on his lower lip. “I'm not overthinking anything,” he protests. But Kevin just gives a him a doubtful look.
“I think you should talk to Hwallie,” he says, softly. There's a look in his eyes, like he knows more than he wants to say. Juyeon can't help feeling lost in the wilderness of his own emotions.
“Talk about what?” Juyeon asks.
Kevin gives him a small, encouraging smile. “Just talk to him, okay?”
Juyeon promises to at least try.
—
Kevin manages to convince Juyeon that there's no point staying holed up at the dance studio, and so Juyeon ends up trudging back to the dorms, mentally getting himself ready to have a conversation with Hyunjoon. Whatever that means.
The dorms are peaceful when they arrive — not quite silent, because Eric and Sunwoo are playing FIFA, with all the assorted noise that entails. But peaceful enough, not at all like they've just had a group meeting about two of their members locking lips, and not even for a variety show.
“Hey, where’s Joon?” Kevin asks in English, gently poking at Eric's thigh with his foot.
Eric squeals and squirms away, eyes not leaving the TV screen. “I don't know?” he says. “In your room? Probably?”
Kevin turns and gives Juyeon a look, one that says, “What are you waiting for, go talk to him”. Reluctantly, Juyeon slinks across the living room and heads towards the door to the room Hyunjoon shares with Kevin and Changmin. The door is halfway to closed, just ajar enough that Juyeon can hear the low rumble of voices from within.
Heart thundering, Juyeon knocks lightly on the door. Pokes his head round.
Hyunjoon's sitting on the lower bunk, head bowed and nodding mutely. And next to him on the bed, so close that their knees are knocking, is Hyunjae.
The weight in Juyeon’s chest tugs him down. He’s halfway into the room, but maybe it's not too late to back away and pretend he had never been there. Hyunjae is turned away from the door, whispering in Hyunjoon's ear. Neither of them is looking at him.
Just as this thought crosses Juyeon's mind, Hyunjoon looks up.
“Hyung,” Hyunjoon exclaims after a beat of surprise. He shuffles himself away from Hyunjae. It's too late now for Juyeon to slip away. He hesitates in the doorway awkwardly, feeling like he's interrupted an intimate moment that doesn't belong to him.
“I, uh —” Juyeon starts, stumbles. He’s never been good at talking, too clumsy with his words, not eloquent like Kevin or confident like Sunwoo or completely un-self-conscious like Eric. All he wants now is to disappear. “I’m sorry for interrupting.”
Hyunjoon gets to his feet. “You're not interrupting anything,” he protests eagerly.
Hyunjae doesn't move from his spot on the bed. “What do you want?” he asks — with a little more edge than necessary, Juyeon thinks. He and Hyunjae are friends too, or so he thought. But now Hyunjae and Hyunjoon are doing whatever it is they're doing, and suddenly Juyeon's being treated like an intruder? The thought tastes sour in Juyeon's mouth.
“I just wanted to talk to Hwall,” he says. It's not quite a conscious decision he's made to use Hyunjoon's stage name, but as he says it he relishes in the small things he still has. Like the power to put a distance between himself as Hyunjoon with one word. “But it's nothing, don't let me interrupt.”
Hyunjoon shakes his head, lips pursed in that catlike way he does. “Not interrupting,” he insists. But still he throws Hyunjae a hesitant backwards glance, before turning back to Juyeon. “Let’s take a walk, hyung.”
Juyeon wants to say no, he really does. But he's never been able to say no to Hyunjoon — and this time is no different. So he finds himself strolling along the quiet streets outside their building, the air still chilly as winter hangs on to its last moments.
“So, um,” Hyunjoon starts, swinging his long legs out in front of him as he walks, “what did you want to talk to me about?”
And yeah, Juyeon should probably have thought this through first. But he's a fool, so all he says is, “I don't know — Kevin told me I should talk to you.”
Hyunjoon pauses. Juyeon stumbles mid-step to stop next to him.
“Oh,” Hyunjoon exhaled. He sounds disappointed. “Right.”
Juyeon tries to back-track. “I mean, I wanted to talk to you as well,” he says hastily. “About, um — you know. Hyunjae hyung.”
Hyunjoon scrunches up his face in embarrassment. “Nothing's going on with me and Hyunjae hyung,” he says.
“So you didn't — last night —” A stupid part of Juyeon lets himself ask the question, even though he knows better than to hope.
“Oh, um — yeah, we did kiss,” Hyunjoon says, looking down, practically swallowing his words as he says them. He scuffs the heels of his sneakers against the pavement. “But like, it’s stupid. We were drunk. It's not anything.”
Juyeon makes a soft “huh” noise of acknowledgement and surprise. “So you don't, like — have feelings for him, or anything?”
Hyunjoon's eyes whip up to meet Juyeon's. “No way,” he says vehemently. “He's like my brother. Like a real brother. That's it.”
He pauses, lips half-parted like he's about to say something else. Juyeon is afraid of what he's going to say, but his own voice seems to have left him.
“Not Hyunjae hyung,” repeats Hyunjoon, more quietly this time. His eyes cast down again. Juyeon notices, with a jolt of surprise, how long and pretty Hyunjoon's eyelashes are. “He’s not the one I like.”
When Hyunjoon raises his gaze again, Juyeon feels a shudder of electricity pass between them. His cheeks feel warm, his skin tingles. There’s a moment here, he realises, one that will be significant no matter what he does. But he doesn't know what he's supposed to do.
So he blinks, steps backwards, away from Hyunjoon. Laughs nervously.
“Hyunjae hyung was that bad of a kisser, huh?” he jokes. Peeks at Hyunjoon to see how he's going to react.
Something flickers across Hyunjoon’s face, something that Juyeon can't identify, but that makes his insides curl up in distress. Thankfully, the split second of discomfort glitters away quickly, because Hyunjoon is breaking into a beautiful, bright smile.
“I don't kiss and tell,” Hyunjoon teases. Lightly bumps his shoulder against Juyeon's. “Come on,” he says, stepping along down the street. “Let's go back home.”
And just like that, everything is back to normal.
Except that — it's not.
—
Things are different for Juyeon, and he can't quite understand why.
Hyunjoon's back to his usual, smiley self, hanging off Juyeon and leaning his head against Juyeon's shoulder and shooting Juyeon those sly grins whenever one of the other members does something silly. It's how they've always been, the two of them, sticking close to each other during schedules, arms around shoulders and heads leaning in close to whisper.
But what used to be so easy, so comfortable, now feels — like too much. Juyeon can't stop noticing Hyunjoon's presence next to him, radiating heat, when they stand in line for variety shows and photo shoots and interviews. They've always been positioned next to each other, and Juyeon’s never complained. If anything, he likes having Hyunjoon close by, to lean into when something funny happens and sling his arm around protectively just because he can, because he's allowed to.
Now, though — Juyeon spends most of their appearances fidgeting on the spot, barely paying attention, desperately waiting for the interview to be over so he can sidle away and get out of Hyunjoon's unbearably distracting presence.
“Hyung,” comes Hyunjoon's voice, low and soft like it's just for Juyeon alone.
Juyeon cranes his neck back, but doesn't stop walking. They're hurrying down a backstage corridor, mere steps away from getting into their cars and driving back to the dorms to enjoy the rest of their afternoon. Juyeon's hurrying maybe just a little bit more than necessary — he just spent the last few hours standing next to Hyunjoon in a too-hot studio, and now he's so keyed up he thinks he might punch something.
“What?” Juyeon asks. His voice comes out a little more snappish than he'd intended.
Hyunjoon reaches forward, slips his hand into Juyeon's. “Hyung,” he complains, “why are you walking so fast?”
Juyeon's heart skitters at the high-pitched whine of Hyunjoon's voice. “I’m tired,” he replies. Tugs his hand out of Hyunjoon's grasp under the guise of holding the door open as he follows Younghoon out into the basement car park. “Wanna get home.”
Hyunjoon hums contemplatively as he comes to stand next to Juyeon. The twelve of them stand in a loose collection, quietly chatting amongst themselves, waiting for the staff to bring the cars round. Juyeon rock back and forth from the balls of his feet to his heels. His hands firmly shoved into his pockets.
“What are you doing the rest of the day?” asks Hyunjoon, grinning up at Juyeon, who just darts his eyes around and tries not to look at Hyunjoon. Tries not to pay attention to the way his smoothness of his skin, or the bright sparkle in his eyes, or the way his one earring dangles and swings as Hyunjoon talks, almost brushing his shoulder.
“Don't know,” says Juyeon, curtly. Glances around the car park. Where the hell are these damned cars?
“Do you want to watch a movie?” Hyunjoon continues. “There are a few good ones out now.”
The thought of spending another few hours squashed next to Hyunjoon in a dark room, elbows brushing and knees bumping, makes Juyeon feel a shock of anxiety. He shakes his head firmly. “I don't want to go to the cinema.”
Hyunjoon shrugs. “Or we could watch something on Netflix?”
And what, snuggle up on the sofa? That’s even worse. Juyeon thinks he might scream with frustration. “I don’t want to watch a movie,” he snaps.
His sharp tone makes Hyunjoon do a double take, but then Hyunjoon offering him a small smile again, because Hyunjoon is an angel and Juyeon doesn't deserve him.
“We don't have to watch a movie if you don't want to,” Hyunjoon says. Easy-going and light-hearted, ever-willing to defer to whatever Juyeon wants. “We could play something, if Eric's not using the X-Box? Or we could go out and get food? Whatever you want —”
“I just want to be alone!” explodes Juyeon, starfling Hyunjoon into silence. The rest of the members turn to stare at them. Juyeon feels sudden shame crawl up his throat, vice-like around his windpipe.
“What's going on here?” asks Sangyeon, pushing his way to the back of the group where Juyeon and Hyunjoon are standing. Juyeon drops his gaze guiltily.
“Nothing's going on,” replies Hyunjoon tightly. His voice is a rubberband, taut to the point of almost snapping. Juyeon glances at him, can see the tension in his jaw.
And then, all of a sudden, Hyunjae’s there, one hand on Hyunjoon's elbow. He glares at Juyeon. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Hyunjoon looks at Hyunjae. “Hyung, don't,” he pleads.
Hyunjae doesn't say anything, just gives Hyunjoon a gentle push and steps forward to stand between him and Juyeon. It's the slightest motion but it makes an inexplicable rage flare up in Juyeon.
“What's wrong with me?” Juyeon repeats, frustration mounting. He scans the faces of his members, all of them watching him with shock, or disapproval, or maybe even — pity. Juyeon hates it, hates how those looks worm their way under their skin and make him feel like a massive fuck-up when all he's trying to do is the best he can. “I just want to be left alone, that's all!”
Sangyeon glances around the car park. It's blessedly empty, but still Sangyeon gives Juyeon a warning look. “No shouting, please,” he orders.
It's at this moment that their two cars round the corner, come to a stop in front of them. Sangyeon looks between Juyeon and Hyunjoon and Hyunjae. “Can we talk about this back in the dorms?” It’s not a question.
Juyeon’s about to nod and agree, when Hyunjoon cuts him off. He looks up in surprise. Hyunjoon isn’t usually one to speak up when being told off.
“There's nothing to talk about,” snaps Hyunjoon, a viciousness in his voice that Juyeon doesn't think he's ever heard from him before. But he doesn't even have time to react, before Hyunjoon's whirling round and storming off towards the second car, wrenching the door open with surprising force, and climbing in without so much as a backwards glance.
Hyunjae watches Hyunjoon go, then turns back to Juyeon. “You're a fucking idiot, you know that?” he snarls, and then he too is striding off and disappearing into the car behind Hyunjoon.
Juyeon stares emptily after them. Lets Sangyeon pull him into the other car. There's a crushing ache in his chest that makes it hard to breathe.
It's not until Chanhee, next to him, gently wipes a thumb across his cheek, that Juyeon realises he's crying.
—
Juyeon doesn’t talk about it the entire journey back to the dorms, just sits in the back silently with Chanhee snuggled up beside him. He doesn’t say a single word, and Chanhee doesn’t make him. He also doesn’t cry anymore after those first stray tear, thank god.
But then they get back to the dorms, and when the second car arrives shortly after them, everyone is there except Hyunjoon, because he’d apparently been asked to be dropped off at the company on the way back. And that’s when Juyeon feels like he’s been broken into a thousand pieces all over again.
“Come on,” murmurs Chanhee soothingly, tugging Juyeon up from the sofa and into his room, because Chanhee always knows what to do and what to say. Juyeon sits down on the lower bunk as Chanhee shuts the door behind them, and curls up cross-legged on the floor at Juyeon’s feet. “What’s going on?”
Juyeon shrugs lamely. “Don’t know,” he mumbles. “Everything is just — going to shit.”
Chanhee cocks his head to the side. “Do you want to tell me why you shouted at Hwall?”
Another shrug. “I didn’t mean to,” Juyeon explains feebly. “He was just — he’s so nice to me, and he’s always there, and I don’t know what to do about it…” He trails off. Everything he’s saying sounds stupid.
There’s a long pause, during which Chanhee just studies him carefully. Juyeon gets the sense that he’s being read like a book. Sometimes Chanhee is too clever for his own good.
“Does this have anything to do with Hwallie and Hyunjae hyung kissing?”
Juyeon screws up his face. “No,” he objects, instinctively. Then reconsiders. “Maybe. I don’t know.” Rubs his hands over his face. “Chanhee-ah,” he whines. “What’s wrong with me?”
Chanhee sighs, hooks his chin onto Juyeon’s knee. “Juyeon-ah,” he says, gently. “You were really angry when you found out that Hyunjoon and Hyunjae hyung kissed.”
“Yeah, I guess,” says Juyeon. He doesn’t know what Chanhee’s getting at. “What’s your point?”
Chanhee just stares up at him. “Come on, Juyeon,” he urges. “You know what my point is. Why were you angry?”
It takes a moment, but from the look Chanhee’s giving him, realisation slowly creeps into Juyeon’s mind. But no — that’s not right.
“I wasn’t jealous,” he says, firmly, shaking his head. “No, that’s not — just, no.”
Because if he was jealous, that means — and no, that can’t be it.
“I don’t like Hyunjoon,” Juyeon says quietly. But even as he denies it, Juyeon knows that he’s only lying to himself. He falls silent, slouches into himself as the weight of the realisation hangs heavy over him.
Chanhee gets to his feet, gives Juyeon a gentle pat on his head. “Go talk to him,” he says, before turning and walking out of the room. Juyeon doesn’t even look up to watch Chanhee leave, too mired in the shock of his own epiphany.
“Oh boy,” Juyeon breathes to himself. “I really fucked up.”
—
Hyunjae almost stops Juyeon from going to look for Hyunjoon, but Chanhee steps in to say that Juyeon’s “figured it out”, and so Hyunjae lets Juyeon leave with only the slightest of distrustful glares. Kevin shoots him two thumbs up as he leaves, and Sunwoo tells him not to “make things any worse”. Juyeon can’t help but wonder why every single one of the members seems to know what’s going on with him better than he knows himself.
“Probably because you’re a big dummy,” mutters Juyeon to himself as he taps his foot impatiently in the lift. Races down the corridor, peering into recording rooms and dance studios in search of that familiar figure with his slender frame and sharp features.
He finds Hyunjoon in the smallest dance studio, at the far end of the floor. The faintest strains of their debut song filter through the door, and Juyeon peers through the small window to see Hyunjoon running through the steps, feet pounding against the hardwood. Then he stops abruptly, rakes his hand through his hair.
No time like the present, Juyeon thinks to himself, and gives the door a firm push. Steps into the dance studio, lets the door slam shut behind him.
Hyunjoon whips his head round, stares at Juyeon for the longest time.
“What are you doing here?” He doesn’t sound angry anymore. Just — tired. Like he’s sick of Juyeon. It feels worse than the anger.
Juyeon swallows his fear, his instinct to run. “I have to talk to you.”
Hyunjoon sighs. “Which of them made you come here?” he asks, then shakes his head like he doesn’t even care to hear the answer. “Doesn’t matter — apology accepted, don’t worry about it, let’s just move on, okay?”
“I didn’t come here to apologise,” Juyeon blurts out. Hyunjoon blinks at him. That came out wrong. “I mean — I do want to apologise, for shouting at you. But that’s not all.”
Hyunjoon gives Juyeon a sideways glance, wary and hesitant. “Okay,” he replies, dragging out each syllable. “Then, what?”
Good question. Juyeon wishes he was better at things like this. Talking. And feelings. That sort of stuff.
“I, um,” Juyeon mumbles. He rubs a hand against the back of his neck. “It’s stupid.”
Hyunjoon now just looks bewildered, more than anything else. “What is it?”
Juyeon licks his lips, looks directly at Hyunjoon. Here goes nothing.
“When I found out about you, and Hyunjae hyung, the reason why I was so mad,” he says, picking each word carefully, “it’s because I was — I was jealous.”
Silence. Hyunjoon stares at him. Doesn’t say a single word. Juyeon grimaces. Oh well, he’s come this far, he might as well keep going.
“I don’t think I knew it then, but I think I liked you and I was jealous when I thought you and Hyunjae hyung were like, a thing,” he continues, blabbering on. It’s like the floodgates have been opened, and now he can’t stop himself from talking. “And it’s been so hard being around you recently, because I like you, and it’s so stupid because we’re friends and I shouldn’t let that get in the way of anything — but you’re so nice to me and you hold my hand, and I get all flustered and I don’t know what to do and that’s why I yelled at you —”
“Hyung,” Hyunjoon says suddenly, cutting right across Juyeon’s spiel. Juyeon falls silent. Did he really just confess his feelings to Hyunjoon and then blab on for an eternity about it? Why is he so bad at this?
But Hyunjoon is smiling at him, the corners of his thin lips turned up in a mischievous grin, and Juyeon thinks that maybe he hasn’t completely messed this up after all. At least Hyunjoon isn’t screaming in horror and running away.
“That was a lot of words,” Juyeon mumbles, clears his throat. “What I’m trying to say is — I like you. And it’s fine if you don’t, it’s totally fine, but I just wanted you to know —”
Hyunjoon giggles. “Hyung,” he says, “you’re rambling again.”
“Ah,” Juyeon says. He shoots Hyunjoon a feeble smile. “Sorry.”
Hyunjoon takes a step towards him. Juyeon’s heart starts pounding in his chest. He looks down at Hyunjoon, his sparkling eyes and the feline grin on his delicate features. Pretty, his brain mumbles to itself. So pretty.
“I like you too, Juyeon hyung,” Hyunjoon is saying, and Juyeon blinks himself back to reality. Hyunjoon’s so close to him now, their chests almost touching. “I’ve liked you for a long, long time.”
That’s — what?
“Huh?” is all Juyeon manages to say.
Hyunjoon smirks at him. “You’re so dense,” he teases.
But — Juyeon frowns. “Why did you kiss Hyunjae hyung then?”
This, at least, wipes away a little bit of Hyunjoon’s sudden unnerving confidence. “We got drunk, I was complaining to him about my stupid unrequited crush on you, one or both of us got a little stupid — I don’t know. I wish it hadn’t happened.”
And yet, if it hadn’t happened, who knows how long it would have taken Juyeon to figure his feelings out? Plus, the thought of Hyunjoon being so head over heels for him that he’d get drunk and end up kissing someone else — it gives Juyeon a weird sort of ego boost.
“I’m glad it happened,” Juyeon murmurs. “It made me realise how much I wanted to be the one to kiss you.”
“What?” Hyunjoon’s voice comes out as a squeak. “You what?”
They’ve fallen back into their usual mode of teasing, playful flirting. Juyeon can’t help but grin happily. He reaches up to cup Hyunjoon’s jaw, tilt his face up. Hyunjoon feels so delicate, so precious in his hands.
“I want to be the one to kiss you,” he says.
And then he does.
Hyunjoon’s lips are soft, and warm, and the way he just melts in Juyeon’s arms sends flutters of longing spiralling through Juyeon’s gut. Then Hyunjoon’s resting his hands on Juyeon’s hips, tugging Juyeon close, and trying to deepen the kiss, and a fire burns in Juyeon’s veins.
He pulls apart, looks down at Hyunjoon. He’s reminded of how different Hyunjoon is on stage, how powerfully charismatic, how magnetic. Right now, he feels drawn into Hyunjoon in that same way, helpless to resist.
“Let’s, uh — take things slow,” Juyeon manages to stammer out. Even though every fibre of his being is screaming out at him to snatch Hyunjoon up in his arms again and kiss him senseless. He licks his lips, slides his hands down Hyunjoon’s arms, interlaces their fingers.
“Okay,” Hyunjoon says. He’s smirking, like he knows the effect he’s having on Juyeon. Stupid cocky bastard that he is. It makes something inside Juyeon clench with affection.
That’s his stupid cocky bastard, now.