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English
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Published:
2014-06-13
Completed:
2014-06-16
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8,857
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4/4
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Don't Leave Me Hanging on the Telephone

Summary:

“Rose, the rain,” he said running his fingers through his dripping hair, “it’s an aphrodisiac."

Notes:

This started out as a cracky idea born in chat...but then turned into a non-crack, sex pollen-y romp, with UST phone conversations and a great big chapter of smut at the end. Wheeeee!

Much thanks to Callistawolf for her invaluable help with getting Aggressive!Ten just right. She's awesome.

Chapter Text

“Allons-y,” the Doctor shouted, throwing the switch that put them into the vortex.

The TARDIS began to shudder and shake, barreling through the vortex at breakneck speed. They both clung to the console to keep from being flung to the grating below.

“What’s wrong?!” Rose shouted over the wheezing and grinding sounds of the TARDIS in distress.

The Doctor slapped his spectacles on and yanked the monitor around so he could read it. His face turned grim. “Well, I have good news, and bad news. Which do you want first?” he yelled back.

“Um… Bad, I guess.” Rose was nearly prone over the console now, trying desperately to keep her footing.

“We might be crashing. On a lighter note, we might not.”

“I see,” she shouted back. “Just to be clear, the might not be crashing is what you are calling good news, yeah?”

“I find it helpful to remain optimistic.” He was pulling every control in sight and even used a trainer-clad foot to bang on a button he couldn’t reach. “The guards must have damaged the navigation circuit, which, well, that’s a bad thing. Not say, the worst possible thing, but in the realm of bad things I’d give it maybe an eight on a scale of one to ten. Ten being the absolute worst possible outcome.”

“Yeah,” she retorted tartly, “I know how a scale of one to ten works. Whatsit mean then? We’re flying blind?”

He pulled a rubber mallet out of his pocket and began hammering down on a small group of keys to his left. “Not exactly. I’m trying to control her manually.”

“Will that work?” Rose asked, looking at his determined expression with growing alarm.

“In theory,” he replied. “I mean, I’ve never actually had to fly her manually, but how hard can it be? I’ll just point her towards the Powell Estates in your current timeline and we should be fine.”

“But you’ve like…had lessons, right? TARDIS lessons? Like driver’s training for Time Lords, yeah?”

“TARDIS lessons,” he scoffed. “Honestly Rose, have a little faith. I can do quantum physics in my sleep, I’m sure I can find London.”

“Just make sure it’s London, England not London, Vermont or something else weird. Or, oh god, the middle of the ocean.”

“I can’t believe you just said that. Rose Tyler, do you really think I can’t avoid something as large as an ocean? Anyway,” he said a bit smugly as the blue box landed with a thud that knocked them both sideways onto the floor, “we’re here. London, England, safe and sound.”

He grabbed Rose’s hand and pulled her up with him. “Nothing damaged then?” he asked, patting gingerly along her sides.

“M’alright,” she said, swatting his hands away. “You?”

“Oh fine, fine. Hunky dory in fact. Now…” And he strode to the doors, tugging her along behind him. “Behold, Rose Tyler, England!” He slapped the door open, and waved expansively while smiling proudly at her.

Rose peered out at the surrounding landscape, which, aside from the rain splattering down on everything in sight, looked as unlike England as it could possibly get. She smirked. “Could be wrong, Doctor, but last I checked, we didn’t really go in for purple trees and hovercraft in London.”

“Purple what?” He whirled around and squinted out the door through his spectacles, mouth open. “I…um. Well no. I suppose you’re right.”

“So, not England then?” she asked, trying valiantly to suppress a giggle. It came out like a hiccupping snort.

His lips began to twitch. “I’d say not.”

“Ah,” Rose said, and the laughter she’d been holding back spilled out. She clutched the doorframe, whooping helplessly.

The Doctor managed to keep a straight face for exactly two more seconds before joining in, leaning in the doorway opposite her, head thrown back in mirth. Just then one of the many hovercraft zipped by, splashing them both from head to toe with the rainwater collected on its wings.

“Oh God, this day,” Rose managed to get out between outbursts of giggling. “Could it get any more ridiculous?”

“Don’t, don’t…” he said, flapping a hand at her. “It’s never advisable to ask that sort of thing. Especially if you’re us.”

“Oh come on.” Rose grinned at him. “Insulting a princess, sentenced to death, possibly our narrowest escape ever. All of which was your fault by the way, don’t think I’ll forget that. Then of course the navigation thingummy gets broken because, why not? Right?” She doubles over in laughter again. “And now we’re on Purple Planet of the Sodden Hovercraft. I mean, really, tell me how it could get worse?”

He chuckled. “Fine, you have a point. It’s a bit of a debacle so far, even by our normal standards.”

“See? It’s practically impossible for it to get worse. Anyway, what now?” She ducked back quickly as another hovercraft flew by, spraying droplets everywhere in its wake.

The Doctor scratched at the back of his neck, thinking. “Probably best if we got that navigation circuit fixed. I’m going to need a part though. Fortunately for us, if this planet is sophisticated enough for hovercraft, it should be an easy enough thing to pick one up.”

Rose nodded. “Shopping then. I suppose there’s no point in getting changed. We’re going to get soaked out there anyway, yeah?”

“Mmm,” he agreed. “Wouldn’t hurt to have an umbrella though. I think I’ve got one stashed around here somewhere.”

Several minutes of fruitless searching later they gave up.

“Don’t worry,” Rose said, smiling reassuringly. “It’s not like the rain is toxic or anything. Just water. Being wet is an improvement over being sentenced to death, right?”

“True.” He smiled back at her. “Alright, Rose Tyler, onwards into the fray!”

They darted out into the rain hand in hand, narrowly avoiding several of the speeding hovercraft. It was a simple matter to find the nearest town by following the stream of traffic, and within fifteen minutes they were perusing shops, searching for a place where they could get a replacement part.

“This one looks promising,” the Doctor said, leading into what looked like a trans-galactic junk shop.

“That’s what you said about the last three,” Rose grumbled.

“Rose,” he cajoled, “where’s your sense of adventure?”

“I dunno,” she said, attempting to wring water out of her hoodie. “I think I lost it a block back when I fell into that puddle. And about that, you really could have helped instead of staring into that window like….” She paused, trying again to wring out the water and failing. “Look,” she said, completely puzzled, “the water won’t come out.”

The Doctor was pawing through a box full of what looked like rusty tin eye bolts, and didn’t bother to turn around. “Try squeezing it,” he suggested distractedly.

“I am squeezing it,” Rose retorted. “See?” She slid the hoodie off entirely and held it out, twisting it up into a tight rope in front of him.

“Well that is just…. ” he replied, taking it from her and attempting to wring the water out himself to no avail. “…odd.”

“Is that your professional opinion?” Rose asked dryly, but he was fully engrossed in sussing out the properties of the alien rain, and paid her no mind.

“I can’t believe I didn’t notice before,” he muttered.

“Didn’t notice what?” Rose asked as he pulled her out of shop back onto the street.

It was really pouring now, the rain coming down in sheets and running in rivulets down Rose’s face and neck. “Didn’t notice what!” she yelled again, trying to be heard over the sound of the storm.

“Look around!” he yelled back. “Tell me what you see.”

Rose did as he asked and was amazed to see members of the alien race that inhabited the planet standing everywhere, faces upturned and mouths open to catch the rain. A few were even licking it off each other’s faces.

She turned back to the Doctor. “Are they drinking it? But why? Is there a problem with the water supply or something?”

“Hardly,” he replied, rubbing a few drops of the stuff between his thumb and forefinger curiously. After taking a cautious sniff, he stuck the finger in his mouth, swirling his tongue around it. “Aha, just as I thought. Synthetic.”

He grinned at her, checking to see if she was impressed with his deductive tasting skills. Sadly, she just looked slightly disgusted and completely puzzled.

“Ok, but why would they be drinking fake rain? What could it possibly….oh! Ew!” she squeaked as he leaned over and took a large swipe up the side of her face with his tongue. “What are you doing?!”

“I needed a larger sample,” the Doctor said, as if that excused it. “Now…” He clucked his tongue against the roof of his mouth a few times, and knitted his brows in concentration. “…potassium, glutamic acid, phenylalanine, and…oh. Oh no. Rose, get back under the awning,” he said tersely, leaping back under himself.

She immediately did as he asked, pressing her back up against the wall of the building to avoid any further contact with the alien rain. “Is it toxic after all? Will it hurt me?” she asked, watching nervously as he began to pace in front of her.

“No. Not…not toxic. It shouldn’t hurt you, exactly. As long as we both go straight back to the TARDIS before it takes effect, we should be fine… More or less. It’s just a matter of waiting until the effects wear off.”

She reached out and laid a hand on his arm. “What effects? What aren’t you telling me?”

“Rose the rain,” he said running his fingers through his dripping hair, “it’s an aphrodisiac. They do it sometimes on planets where there’s been a serious dip in the local population, seeding the clouds with alien sex hormone to promote procreation. It’s actually a rather brilliant system, if you consider all the work that goes into it.”

“We’re standing here covered in alien sex hormones and you are going on about what a brilliant system it is? Have you gone completely mental?”

The Doctor opened his mouth to defend himself, but what came out was, “You’re lovely when you’re wet, Rose.”

“I’m…. What?”

She was staring at him like he’d suddenly sprouted wings. Had he? The Doctor furtively glanced at either side of his shoulders just to make sure he hadn’t. Nope. No wings. Then he looked back at Rose. Beautiful, desirable, drenched-to-the-skin Rose.

He was still holding her hoodie, and her t-shirt was practically transparent and clinging in all the right places. Those right places were looking especially perky at the moment. He wondered vaguely if that had to do with the slightly chilly rain. And really, the weather was terrible. They should go right back to the TARDIS, take off these wet clothes, and get into bed. Preferably his.

Wait. The weather. There was something about the weather and the rain and Rose. He needed to remember. Just then a drop rolled down his cheek and over his lips, he reflexively sucked it off his bottom lip, and began mentally cataloging the chemical compounds in it. OH! Right. The rain was synthetic and full of hormones, and that’s why he was suddenly unable to take his eyes off of Rose.

Ok, so clearly it was affecting him, but what about Rose? So far she seemed unaffected, but she hadn’t consumed as much as he had. Also, she’d given him her hoodie , and he was still wearing his wet suit so she wasn’t absorbing as much through her skin as he was. He was momentarily distracted by thoughts of Rose’s skin, and by the time he marshaled his thoughts again he found Rose looking rather distracted herself.

“Doctor,” Rose said, licking her lips, “I feel strange.” She began leaning towards him, gaze flickering back and forth between his eyes and mouth. “Have you always had that freckle just there?”

Suddenly her interest in his face was of the utmost importance. “Which fre…” His voice cracked midway through the word and he cleared his throat and tried again. “Which freckle would that be, Rose?”

“This one, right here.” She trailed a finger across his cheekbone and stopped midway across.

The sensation of her touch on his skin was nearly overwhelming, but he absolutely could not let himself act on it. She didn’t really want him. It was all the rain. He had to get them back to the TARDIS.

“Rose,” he said, forcing his tone into something that sounded calm and authoritarian, “we’re both being affected by the rain. We need to get back to the TARDIS immediately. Do you understand that? It’s the rain, Rose.”

He leaned down to look her in the eye and realized what a bad idea that was when she swayed towards him, lips dangerously close to his.

“Whatever you say, Doctor,” she purred, her breath warm against his face.

He closed his eyes, fighting the urge to just close the distance between them and snog her until his respiratory bypass kicked in. Rose would never forgive him. She didn’t think of him like that, and he was sure she wouldn’t appreciate him taking advantage of her while she was in an altered state. It was up to him to be strong and get them to safety without incident.

“Right. Erm, give me just a minute.” He dashed back into the shop, frantically looking for something to cover them with to prevent more contact with the hormone-laced rain.

A quick search turned up a small piece of tarp. A few minutes and several odd bits of piping later, and he’d constructing possibly the ugliest umbrella in the history of precipitation. It was serviceable, though, and really that’s all that mattered. He rushed back out to find Rose in an animated conversation with one of the local aliens. The Doctor felt a hot bolt of jealously wash through him as the creature laid a knobby-fingered hand on the skin just above her elbow.

He marched over to them, catching Rose’s arm and effectively knocking the alien’s hand off, while simultaneously drawing her under his makeshift umbrella. “Sorry to interrupt,” he said in a voice that didn’t sound the least bit sorry, “but we were just leaving.”

Rose turned to him and he got a full blast of what could only be called bedroom eyes. “Oh hey. This is…I’m sorry…” She giggled and the Doctor began to grit his teeth. “What was your name again?”

“Marphelious,” the alien burbled, inclining his long orange neck and holding his hand out to the Doctor politely.

The Doctor ignored it. “Yes well. Nice to meet you. Goodbye.” And he grabbed Rose’s hand in his and began stalking back to the TARDIS.

“Bye Marphelious,” Rose called, waving, then turned her attention back to him. “That was very rude of you. He was really sweet. Said I have a lovely smile.”

“I bet he did,” the Doctor muttered, thinking of several different violent ends for the unlucky Marphelious. How dare he compliment Rose? Of all the bloody cheek! All orange, and neck, and odd knobby fingers touching his Rose. He should have given him a good smack with the umbrella.

Rose meanwhile, was tugging lightly on their joined hands to get his attention. “D’you think I do?” she asked, looking at him suggestively. “Have a lovely smile that is?”

His hearts stuttered. If she only knew how he felt about her smile. Even without the cocktail of synthetic alien libido enhancers rushing through his system, her smile could knock him flat. Right now she was giving him the slow-blooming, sexy one that he knew could reduce him to babbling even on his best days. Not that him being reduced to babbling was that hard….but still. The Doctor didn’t even realize they’d stopped walking. That’s how intently he was watching her lips curl up and her tongue begin to peek out.

To make matters worse, Rose had begun rubbing her thumb over his, tracing absent little patterns between his first knuckle and the prominent wrist bone just above it. This small bit of contact was causing his skin to go tingly all over. When she slid her thumb back over his pulse point the Doctor nearly fell over.

Oh he wanted to have her. Hard, fast…now. He was scanning the area, looking for a handy alley to duck into, when he came back to himself. No. This was wrong. It was wrong and he had to get control of himself.

He furiously tamped down the increasing waves of desire that were beginning to consume him. Just a few minutes longer and he could protect her from himself. Six to be exact. Six more minutes with Rose maddeningly close. He took a deep breath and prayed to every god that he was aware of for sanity.

“Rose, you’ve got to stop that. I can’t…” He stopped, trying to think of a delicate way to explain what she was doing to him just with a simple touch on the wrist, then thought the better of it. She didn’t need to know how embarrassingly aroused she was making him. He focused instead on reminding her that she wasn’t in control of her actions. “This is all the rain. We’re not like this. Rose, you’ve got to remember that. It’s the rain.”

She dropped his hand like it was a hot poker and bright red flush stained her cheeks. “Right. M’sorry. It’s just hard to remember with all the…you know. The way I feel right now. God. I didn’t mean to… Sorry.”

He nodded, trying to pretend that he wasn’t already longing for the feel of her hand back in his. “It’s fine. We just need to keep moving, and I think it’s probably best if we don’t touch for now.”

“Yeah, of course. Look. Hands in pockets.” She tilted her face up to him and for a moment he saw her normal tongue-touched grin before it dissolved into her focusing on his mouth while she unconsciously licked her lips.

He suppressed a groan. Rassilon help him, how was he going to make it?

The last twenty yards or so, he broke into an all out sprint, with Rose racing along behind. He pulled the TARDIS key out long before they hit the door and managed to get them into the console room in record time.

Then he turned to look at her, whipping the sonic out of his pocket. “Arm,” he bit out between clenched teeth.

She mutely held her arm out and he ran the sonic over it, careful not to touch her actual skin. Then briefly checked the readout before doing the same to himself. He gave a sigh of relief. It was just as he suspected, the effects of the rain weren't calibrated for longevity, just potency.

“What’s it say?” Rose asked, nervously biting her lip. “Is like a twenty-four hour kind of thing?”

“It’s not as bad as all that,” he replied. “We should be back to normal in about three hours, possibly three and a half. It depends on how quickly our bodies metabolize the chemicals.”

“Three hours… So we do what? Stay in our rooms until we feel normal?”

“Weeeeell,” he said, looking doubtful, “I’m not sure that’s the best idea. The way the artificial stimulant was configured means that it will probably escalate as time goes on before it begins to leave our systems, and I don’t know if just going to our rooms would keep us…contained.”

She nodded. “Because we could just walk out, yeah? Why not, I don’t know, have the TARDIS lock us in until the effects wear off?”

He paused, tongue curled against his teeth, just thinking it through. “A time lock…that’s actually rather brilliant.” He smiled at her, trying not to notice that she was staring at his mouth again.

“What’s brilliant?” she asked, taking a step towards him.

He found himself taking an involuntary step towards her, and forced himself to stop. “The time lock. Which I think perhaps we should do immediately.”

Rose shook her head, as if trying to clear it. “You were right. This is getting worse. I just can’t stop thinking about…about…” She clamped her mouth shut and made a frustrated gesture.

“Don’t worry Rose. It’s going to be fine. I’ll just program the time locks, and give us say…three minutes to get inside our rooms, and we’ll scarper. Just give me one moment.” He pulled the monitor over and began furiously typing on the keyboard beneath, setting the locks in place. “There. All set. I’ll um…see you in a few hours.”

“Yeah,” she said, “see you in a few hours.” And Rose bolted.