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“I'm sort of experimenting. Y’know what I mean, right Stark?”
They meet at a party. Tony doesn’t even remember the host or the event but he can recall the flashing purple lights on Liam’s face. He can think of a gleam of white teeth and endearingly crinkled green eyes.
“I feel like I won’t really know unless I try. I mean, I am attracted to Tom Cruise a little but who isn’t right?”
Tony is young, stupid, and loves too hard, too fast.
“Bi Curious I guess, that’s a term right?” He’s got two drinks, one held out to Tony and one he sips in between sentences. They talk all night, and when Liam leans in Tony doesn’t pull away. Tony feels the beat of something, something (the bass, his heart?) and ignores the warning alarms in his head screaming ‘he’ll leave, he’ll leave.’
They fall into bed and go for brunch the next day. They visit the beach and kiss undercover from the sun. They run from paparazzi and laugh in the rain. It’s like some tv drama, and the days go by as fast as a montage would.
Tony knows somewhere in him that this is destined to crash and tries not to get attached. But he falls in love anyway with long fingers strumming on guitar strings, two moles on the back of a neck, quiet sighs and commonplace smiles.
When Liam invites Tony to eat and says they have to talk, Tony may or may not have called Rhodey to get two beers ready.
“The Silver Platter?”
“Yeah, you like this place right?”
“We were here for brunch that one time, remember?”
Liam doesn’t look at Tony’s face the whole time, and fidgets with the menu. Tony takes solace in how Liam at leasts looks apologetic.
“I’m sorry Tony, but I don’t feel…”
“Don’t worry, I know”
They pick slowly at their food, and Tony tries not to think about how this is the place they ate their first real meal together. He ignores the memory of Liam’s winsome smile, and the way his voice sounded when he suggested they go out again.
“I really am sorry.”
“ ...I know.”
Liam can kiss and dance under the covers, but it will never be the romantic attraction Tony has. It will never be as intense. It will never be love.
Liam gives him the same shy smile from a party months ago. He packs and he goes. Tony finds that knowing how it ends doesn’t soften the blow. (This is a lesson he learns over and over)
-
“Oh come on, do it for your oldest friend. You've got to live a little Stark, I could definitely help you with that.”
“I live well enough Ty.”
“Please, you’re a moping alcoholic covering up your issues with one night stands and extravagant parties. I know, I’ve been there.”
Tony is introduced to Tiberius when he’s still young enough that he actually believes his father will someday pay attention to him. The Starks host the Stone family and a 7 year old Tony meets a 6 year old Tiberius.
Within the first hour, Ty had taken all the toys and was yapping Tony’s ears off. Tony decides to sneakily take back things, and roll his eyes at all of Ty’s talk. He’s unimpressed, but then, so is Ty.
They grow up like this, fighting over toys, then cars, then girls, and a myriad of other material things. Tony will never say that he actually sort of liked it, that it was some sort of normalcy, a steady constant that was exactly the same through the years.
It’s something sort of love-hate, childhood friend and childhood rival.
It’s something that brings him to some club where he’s having a drink with Ty.
Tiberius pulls the old friends thing, saying remember this, or recall that? Tiberius glorifies halcyon days of no worries and living parents. Tony downs every drink he’s handed. He tells Ty he’s not interested in dating or relationships right now. Ty winks.
Of course, by the next morning Tony is in bed with Ty, both their shirts are off and Tony’s tangled in too warm arms.
“Ty… Ugh, what?” Tony sits up rubbing sleep out of his eyes and Ty’s laugh is low and rumbly. Tony can feel it from where one of his arms is on Ty’s chest.
“We just slept, Tony, I wouldn’t do anything you really didn’t want.”
From there, they continue to sleep in the same bed, and go out on things like dates, and Tony realizes Ty is sort of courting him. He resists at first, ignoring the five star hotel reservations, and declining the cars and flowers and chocolate. But Ty has always been charming, and Tony succumbs to his loneliness. He wants to love again, wants something warm to hold onto, if only for a moment. So they sleep together; The panting, flush skin, eyes screwed tight, and lips biting kind of ‘slept together’.
He’s content with Ty, and though it’s not love that drives them into the other’s arms, it’s something Tony can live with.
So when he smells someone else’s cologne on Ty’s neck he shrugs it off. When he catches Ty walking with someone else into a high-class restaurant he let’s it be.
But when Tony walks into Ty’s house and hears the low music, the soft sighs and ecstasy-filled cries of some nameless women mingled with Ty’s low chuckle, Tony can’t ignore it. It was never love with Ty, but trust is shattered and one of his best friends smiles looks too sharp and never fond. Ty pleads, but it falls on deaf ears as Tony takes his things and go.
It’s a different kind of heartbreak, losing a friend.
“Come on Tones, it’s just a little fun. You’d do the same, wouldn’t you, Tones?”
“Ty-Tiberius, don’t call me that anymore.”
Ty’s tone turns flippant and Tony’s eyes are hard.
His things are out of Tiberius’ house by the morning.
-
“How ‘bout it Stark? It’ll be fun.”
Sunset Bain buys him a drink at a high end bar somewhere in Malibu and asks him to dance. Tony refuses at first, but after another drink and the scent of strawberry-vanilla hair, he’s swinging her around and listening to a tinkling laugh and music full of bass.
It’s all over the tabloids the next day, that Tony Stark is Sunset’s new 3 month relationship. It’s a thing she does, dates someone for 3 months, no more, no less, no exceptions. (Last month it was a Calvin Klein model, and before that a pretty doctor from France.)
“There’s so many fish right?” Sunset says, winking when Tony, (or anyone else,) asks. “Why not try them all?”
They go on extravagant dates one week, then stay in Sunset’s house the next, not leaving her bed until late in the afternoon.
While Liam was stolen kisses in the lazy afternoon, Sunset is heated makeouts during the edges of the evening. Sunset is wild and exciting, warm and bright and miraculous. She is streaks of red and orange and passionate pinks. She fills up that something missing. and Sunset is supposed to be quick, a beautiful fleeting experience much like her namesake. But Tony falls and falls and falls, never learns his lesson.
With Sunset, he cards his fingers through her hair in the early morning, soft light shining on her curves and edges. With Sunset, he laughs over sparkling glasses of champagne, listens to the difference between her soft giggle and her loud cackle. With Sunset, he falls in love. (Falls in love to the steady drum of ‘three months’, ‘three months’, ‘three months’ in the beat of his heart)
It's classy, (of course) the way she leaves. It’s been exactly three months, and Sunset wakes him up with a kiss to his forehead. They eat smoked salmon, fresh fruit, and costly coffee for brunch. They talk of everything and nothing while Tony tries to memorize every inflection in her voice and every detail on her face and wishes, for the first time, that he was an artist or a poet. They finish much too early and she kisses him quick on the cheek.
“It's been a wonderful time, Darling.”
“But no exceptions right?”
Sunset laughs, full of mirth yet tinged with sadness.
“Tony darling, if anyone, I would choose you. But yes,” she flips her sunglasses down, red lips quirking a little, “no exceptions.”
Sunset leaves him with pieces of his heart on the floor, a bottle of expensive Chardonnay, and the smell of strawberry and vanilla lingering in his sheets.
(When Rhodey comes over they drink beer, shit talk celebrities and pointedly do not mention the Chardonnay on the kitchen table. )
-
Interlude
He kisses Rhodey on the mouth once, both are tipsy after a couple drinks and burst out laughing when Tony pulls away.
“That was so–”
“Weird, like kissing your–”
“Brother.”
They smile at each other again and Tony thinks, this is a love, this is a love that no one can take from me.
Every time after that Rhodey gets a kiss on each cheek and a,
“How's it been Rhodey-bear?”
-
“A year? Or a few months? I don't remember what they said but I suppose it's better that way.”
Rumiko he finds in a park.
She's got headphones on and a book in her lap. And she's beautiful. (And she’s dying.)
It’s a meet cute, he’s walking Rhodey’s mother’s dog, a cute little Yorkie that jumps onto Rumiko’s bench the moment he sees her. They strike up a witty conversation, and Tony finds himself admiring her diction, then her ideas, and then her mouth and bright eyes. Rumiko laughs at him, covering her mouth with her hand, and they agree on coffee the next morning. They walk around the park on Sundays and Tony kisses her first underneath the arch tanks in the New York Aquarium.
Except this isn’t a romcom, this is a tragedy.
“Remember how I said I don’t remember in the beginning? That was a lie, I couldn’t hear anything else but, ‘I’m sorry ma’am, you have about 7 months’”
“You’re dating me honey, anything you want to do, we’ll do it.”
Rhodey shoots him the pity eyes when they video call, Tony ignores it.
Rumiko tells him she’s sick and got months to live.
Tony tells her he loves her.
That sort of breaks both of their hearts.
“3 months now, but I’ve read multiple articles on how doctors are usually too optimistic.”
“Well, I’ve read articles on how doctors underestimate.”
She’s selfish, but so is he. There’s a team of the best doctors in the world he calls behind her back. Rumiko wants vacations and five star hotels, and all of Tony’s attention. Rumiko gets that and more. Neither of them get a cure.
Moments with Rumiko are precious because he knows they’re numbered. When he tells Rhodey this, his best friend points out it was like that with Sunset too. ‘This is different’ Tony says, Rhodey sighs, and the “I know, I’m sorry” goes unspoken.
“Is there anywhere you want to go?
“To the park, where we met.”
They sit in a comfortable semi-silence and only go inside when Rumiko starts coughing.
Tony is constantly at her bedside when she becomes too weak to walk around. He holds her hand and whispers anything, everything. He talks about work when Rumiko is too tired to answer anymore, and finally sings when her breaths are soft and her grip in his hands weaken.
The next-to-last thing she says to Tony is, “Ha, I’m too pretty to die like this” Tony offers up a weak chuckle, tells her he loves her. Her responding smile is a dulled and softer version of the one she gave him months ago.
The last thing she says to Tony is, “I love you too Tony, I’m sorry.”
She closes her eyes, and days later, it’s determined she’ll never open them again.
He doesn’t cry at the funeral, he cries when he drinks with Rhodey and sees one of her yellow headbands on the counter.
And if the Maria Stark foundation donates more to research on terminal illnesses, Rhodey is kind enough to not point it out.
-
“Will that be all, Mr. Stark?”
The moment Virginia “Pepper” Potts walks out of the room, head held high and heels clacking away, Tony knows she's going to break his heart somehow.
“Let's face it, this is not the worst thing you've caught me doing.”
“Are those bullet holes?”
It's at least somewhat professional until they both start caring a little too much. Pepper learns of the cracks in his armor, the soft sides opposite all his edges. Pepper somehow finds herself endeared by his sarcasm and amused by his narcissism. Tony finds himself smiling at her headstrong attitude and laughing at her sharp edged wit.
(Tony worries and gives her the breaks she needs. Workaholic)
(Pepper cares and gives him the validation he craves. Self-depreciated)
“All this came from you.” (Your love, your support, you.)
Pepper leans forward, taps the arc reactor lightly,
“No. All this came from that.” (Your heart, your genius, you.)
And then Pepper has her hand in his chest, Pepper is waiting for him, hoping, Pepper is being kidnapped, Pepper is saving him as he saves her, Pepper has her heart in her throat and her hands clenched, knuckles white as she sees him fly up, up, up.
(Pepper is crying as she watches him fall down, down, down)
Pepper is loving him every step of the way. It isn’t good for her heart.
Tony knows it's been coming when he finds her in the tower, a glass of wine in her hand and her hair down. (It falls in soft curls and frames her face.)
Tony approaches her, steps quiet. He tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear and they study each other for a bit. Tony’s proud when his voice wavers only a little,
“Pepper, light of my life?”
Pepper makes a decision.
“Tony, I can't be the one.”
“Pep–”
“I can't be the one they call when you don't make it. I can't be the one waiting at home. My heart can't take it Tony. I'll never stop caring, but loving you this way is going to drive us both insane.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“Don't be sorry, this is all me.”
Tony understands. Pepper needs someone stable, someone to lend her an ear when she complains about him, someone less busy than her, someone to give her all the time in the day. (Pepper needs someone better.)
So he kisses her on the lips, chaste and soft, and when they pull away, Pepper is crying. And that’s something both saddening and somehow reassuring, as she’s the strongest person he knows.
“I do love you, Tony.”
A laugh, a wink. “You're giving me some mixed signals here Pep.”
An eye roll and something that’s part laugh, part sigh, part huff. “Will that be all Mr. Stark?”
A soft caress of her face and a brow furrowed slightly. “Yes, that will be all, Ms. Potts.”
-
Interlude
There are the in-betweens of course. A week long love here and a couple day romance there, twinges in his chest and cracks in his heart.
He dumps some first, saying “it’s me, it’s me, it’s always me.”
And others dump him, saying “too much of this or not enough of that.”
And then, (when he needs intimacy, but can't handle the heartache,) there are the one night stands.
If you ask his midnight lovers what he's like they'll say–
That his hands are calloused and rough but his touches soft. That he sweet talks and dirty talks in equal measure. That he's a pleaser not a taker. That he is heated and warm and moving one moment and slow and tender the next.
They'll tell you his smile is beautiful and his eyes are lonely.
They'll tell you he's every bit as good and even better in bed than everyone says.
But really, Tony mostly chooses those he’s sure won't kiss and tell.
-
“Big man in a suit of Armor, take that away and what are you?”
“Everything special about you came out of a bottle.”
It's a rough start with the Captain, but after one alien invasion, one self-sacrificing flight, and a few months on the road, they find themselves…somewhere. (And slowly getting closer.)
Tony takes him to the park, to museums, to ten different bookstores, and to anywhere else Steve wants to go. Tony offers him companionship and a place to sleep, hard-to-break punching bags and someone to talk to in the too-early morning. Tony listens to Steve’s thoughts on the future and ignores the feeling growing in his chest.
“You've been going on dates with Captain America?”
Rhodey raises an incredulous eyebrow after Tony talks about the Avengers moving in. Tony knows that look on his face, the ‘seriously dude? I can’t tell if you’re joking or not’. Tony knows every look on Rhodey’s face, including his ‘you’re an idiot, stop that right now’ one.
Tony scoffs, “They're not-dates Rhodey bear, not ‘not-a-date’ and not, y’know dates.”
“...no Tony, I don't know.” Now he gets Rhodey’s ‘you’re an idiot, but I love you’ look.
-
It's on one of those not-dates where Steve goes quiet and sort of stares at Tony. It’s an intense look, Steve brow furrows slightly and he gets that little twitch down on one side of his lips and his eyes are shining; ocean, sky, crystal blue, and Tony just-. Tony sets his sandwich down.
“Something on your mind, Cap?”
Steve startles before glancing up at Tony through his eyelashes, eyes glinting in determination. Tony internally groans at the warm, fluttering feeling in his chest. He thinks he should've learned his lesson by now.
“I was wrong, Tony. Back during the attack we were both messed up by everything going on and I said some horrible things so I-”
“It's fine.”
Tony interrupts him, his mouth going thin just thinking about the heated words exchanged near a year ago.
“It's really not.”
Tony squares his shoulders and exhales through his nose, “Why? Everything you said was more or less true, and really, I should be apologizing, I riled you up even more. I said things that might’ve been even worse. Plus, you just woke up from a 90 year nap. I don’t blame you Steve.”
And then Steve takes him by the shoulders, and it's all honest, earnest baby blues looking at him deep in the eyes.
“No, the more I know of you, the more I'm convinced you're a good man hiding behind layers and layers of masks. That you are kind and caring and incredible.”
Tony attempts a scoff but it comes out more like a saddened sigh.
“I can count the number of people who think that on one hand.”
“Yeah? Well I’ll make one more and convince everyone else I’m right.”
“You can’t Steve, every fucking person I’ve ever- I don’t-” Tony’s eyes screw shut and he screeches backward in his chair, shrugging off Steve’s hands.
“If you believe I’m good, we’ll just let each other down. Or, I’ll just let you down.”
Steve glares and says “Fuck that,” like he’s scolding the entire world.
“Language, Captain.” Tony says half-heartedly.
Steve doesn’t respond for a moment, gathering his thoughts as he grips the napkin in his hand tightly.
“I don’t know what happened to make you believe that, whether it was the constant limelight, or past relationships, but Tony,” Steve exhales and lets go of the napkin, running a hand through his hair before continuing, “These have been dates, haven’t they?”
Tony sputters, chokes, and his hands leave their death grip on the tablecloth to take a sip of water before attempting to speak again. His calming down method doesn’t work.
“Steve-I-Why-Wha-”
“Sam clued me in the other day. I don’t mind Tony, I really enjoy spending time with you.”
“They’re not, They’re not dates. Besides, aren’t you like-” He pauses to gesticulate to all of Steve.
“Y’know.”
“I’m not straight Tony; I’ve been reading about current issues and such in the google.”
Tony snorts and Steve fights a smile.
“I know you know it’s not called ‘The Google.’”
“Oh? I was so sure too, this darn century is so confusing.”
They look at each other, and Tony realizes this is what he loves about Steve. He talks like he knows everyone’s attention is on him and it doesn’t bother him, it empowers him. He makes Tony smile. He’s courageous, and resolute, and stupidly stubborn.
“I just.” Steve stops for a moment before he leans forward and takes Tony’s hand. “I just think you’re great Tony, and I like going out with you. And I wouldn’t mind actually going out with you. Making this official.”
“Steve-”
“I truly am sorry, for all those words I said when we met. You do have a pretty big ego, I admit, but you’re intelligent, and kind, and you learn from your mistakes. You fix things, and you pay attention to things, and you make incredible inventions.”
“Wait, I-”
“I like you Tony, and I want to date you,” Steve finally pauses, and his serious gaze morphs into a hopeful smile. “Will you let me?”
Tony gapes at him for a second, before saying “How the hell am I supposed to- Yes, I- Of course I’ll date you Cap.”
“Steve.”
“Steve,” Tony amends, smiling. “Of course I’ll date you. I wouldn’t dare to disappoint our country by saying no to the golden boy.”
Steve rolls his eyes, but he grips Tony’s hand a little tighter.
“I’m sorry too y’know. For the shit I said, and the shit I give you on the battlefield. And I, I think you’re great too. A good leader, and a good person and… and a good friend.”
Tony looks into Steve’s eyes and smiles wider, maybe a little cheeky. “Maybe a good boyfriend too.”
Steve cheeks grow pink and Tony laughs, leaning in. Steve meets him halfway.
-
It’s a month later when Tony relaxes. When Steve cooks breakfast after his runs, and reminds him to go to bed, and to eat lunch, and to take a shower. When Tony sings for him a little, and lays his head on Steve’s chest and smiles a lot more than he frowns. Steve’s affectionate in a quiet kind of way, with forehead touches and shoulder massages. They still argue, but they learn to communicate better too. And they still bicker of course, but now it’s filled with even more flirting. The team is disgusted.
It’s a month later when he thinks that maybe this time it’s okay to get his hopes up.
(It’s a month later when Tony wakes up in the middle of the night and hisses, “Shit, I forgot to tell Rhodey.”)