Chapter Text
After a nearly silent breakfast, during which they both picked at their eggs and toast, Tina took her phone into the bathroom and shut the door. She resolutely ignored the pained expression on Newt’s face as he loaded dishes into the washer.
“Yes, I need an appointment to see about getting an abortion.” The word felt strange in her mouth as she said it out loud for the first time. She answered the receptionist’s questions in as confident a tone as she could muster.
“We had a cancellation for 10,” the woman said over the sounds of typing. “Can you make that? You’ll need to be here for a few hours and have someone available to drive you home if you have a procedure.”
Tina took a steadying breath. “Yes, that sounds fine.”
When she left the bathroom, Newt was standing at the window with Pickett in his arms. Dougal and Frank sat protectively on either side of him, watching their master with anxious expressions.
“They had an appointment for 10.” She went to stand beside him, bending down to scratch behind Dougal’s ears. The Scottie whined, obviously picking up on the tension in the room.
“Okay.” Newt didn’t look at her. “That gives us an hour. We really should run to the store — I wasn’t expecting company until next week.”
Company. It sounded distant and impersonal. Is that all I am now? Someone who’s just visiting? Is that what he thinks of me? “That’s a good idea. Once school’s out I thought I could work at the bakery in the mornings when they’re busy and find something else for the afternoon. That way I’ll be bringing in more money.” She faltered. “If ...you still want me to stay with you over the summer, I mean.”
His head jerked toward her, hazel eyes wide with shock. “Of course! That won’t change, Tina, no matter what ...happens today.” He set Pickett on the wide windowsill and turned to face her fully. “I said I’d support your decision and I am. That it’s difficult for me shouldn’t be an issue.”
“I’m sorry it hurts you. You and Queenie and Jacob…” She fought back the tears that had been almost constant since the morning before. “I have to do it, Newt.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “I’m scared — terrified, really.”
Newt’s expression softened and he led her over to the couch, settling close beside her. “Tell me. We haven’t really talked, have we?”
She gave a shaky laugh. “Neither of us is very good at that.”
“No, but we have an hour so at least you can give me the Spark Notes version.”
It was a weak joke, but it made Tina feel better anyway. “I just….I keep going over everything in my mind. I was thinking all this yesterday and I guess I should’ve said it. But, it felt like things were finally going my way, you know? After everything with mom and dad and getting Queenie settled. I’m going to college on a scholarship; I’ve got a decent job, and I’m dating a great guy.” She kissed Newt’s cheek and he went faintly pink. “But at the same time, I don’t know how I can bring a baby into that. Would I still be able to go to law school? And what about your plans to be a vet? It’s a lot of school for both of us, and we’re already older than the usual college kid.”
“That’s true, but people do it all the time. I read about a married couple who had five children while they were both finishing their schooling.”
Tina bit her lip. “I know, but I don’t think I can handle it, Newt. Not right now, anyway. And as for Queenie and Jacob adopting … I’d still feel responsible for the child — even if we had a completely open relationship. I’d still want a say in how they raised it and wouldn’t be fair to them or the child.”
Newt nodded slowly. “That makes sense. And if it — the child — was close by you might always wonder ‘what if?’”
“Exactly! It’s so early now that I might be able to get the pill. That’s just like having a really heavy period. One of the girls in my dorm used it. Then we can go on the way we have been and enjoy our summer.”
“Alright. Thank you for explaining your reasons, Tina. It does help.” He put an arm around her and she leaned against him, relieved to finally have everything out in the open at last.
After a few minutes, she said. “I thought we were going to the store.”
He didn’t move. “I’ll go later. Let’s just stay like this for a while, please.”
She snuggled closer. “Sure.”
When they pulled up to the clinic, Tina turned to Newt as she reached for the door handle. “I might be a while.”
He held up his iPad. “That’s fine. I have some reading to do. The barn is thinking about starting a therapeutic riding program, and Andrea gave me some material about it.”
“Okay.”
“Tina? I love you.”
She stopped the door from closing and turned back. “I love you too. Thanks for being here, Newt.”
Inside, the nondescript building looked like any other doctor’s office Tina had ever seen. She checked in after an older woman and took one of the only available chairs near the reception desk. A side table held back issues of women’s magazines. Tina took out her phone instead wishing she could text Queenie, but she hadn’t heard from her sister since she’d left in tears the night before.
She pulled up Facebook and browsed while surreptitiously watching the other women in the waiting room. Looks like I’m probably going to be here for a while. Just my luck that they’d double-book. Maybe I should tell Newt to go ahead to the grocery store.
The door opened and a blonde woman with a baby carrier came in. At the desk, she set the carrier on the floor beside Tina’s chair while she talked with the receptionist about rescheduling a wellness checkup. A whimper from the carrier made Tina glance down. The baby looked to be about six months old. Aww ...she's really cute. Looks like Queenie did at that age. She and Jacob will make cute kids one of these days.
Tina realized she had pressed a hand to her stomach automatically. Startled she put it back in her lap and glanced around, but no one was paying any attention.
“I hope she wasn’t bothering you.”
The baby’s mother had turned from the desk and was giving Tina a tired smile. She looked to be about Queenie’s age.
“Oh, no! She’s adorable.”
The other woman sighed and Tina saw the dark circles under her eyes. “Thanks. I just found out I’m pregnant again. I wasn’t going to keep it, but then I thought, ‘What’s one more?’ At least they’ll have someone close in age to play with, you know?”
Like me and Queenie. “How do you manage?” Tina reached out a finger and the baby wrapped a hand around it with surprising strength.
“I got lucky, I guess. My mom babysits while my husband and I are at work, and I’m taking a few online classes at night. It’s hard, but you get into a routine after a while.” She leaned down and picked up the carrier. “And for us, it’s worth it.”
Tina freed her finger and reluctantly sat back. “Well, I hope it works out for you.”
“Thanks, you too.”
When the pair had gone, Tina stared down at her phone without seeing it. What if we kept it? What if I kept it? Newt and I aren’t married, and we haven’t known each other that long really. If we don’t work out, I’ll be the one stuck raising it. Queenie and Jacob would help and his parents. But what about my plans ?
Overcome with frustration she hadn’t expected to feel, Tina reached for a magazine and paged through it. She ignored the “Keep Your Summer Body All Year” articles and the “Look Ten Years Younger” articles. “Yeah, I really want to look like I should be in elementary school,” she muttered.
An advice column caught her eye. Dear Janice, My boyfriend and I aren’t married and I just found out I’m pregnant. He wants me to have an abortion, but I really want to keep the baby. How can I convince him to change his mind?
“Tina Goldstein!”
Startled, Tina dropped the magazine. She felt her face growing hot as she scrambled to gather up it and her purse at the same time. She followed the nurse down a short hallway and into an exam room that was nearly identical to the one at the college clinic, right down to the wallpaper.
She answered the routine questions as best she could and offered the birth control pills with a hand that shook only a little. The nurse had a stoic, business-like air that was probably supposed to be reassuring, but which made Tina feel more alone than ever. I wish Queenie was here. Or Newt. I should’ve insisted he come with me. No, it would be too hard for either of them. But what about my feelings?
“Alright, Miss Goldstein. Put this gown on, and I’ll be back in just a few minutes.”
The click of the door closing was loud in the quiet room. Tina laid the flimsy paper gown aside and slowly began to undress. She dragged the shirt over her head and folded it neatly beside her purse. When she reached for the clasp of her bra, she was overcome by the memory of Newt’s scarred fingers in place of her own just a couple of weeks before.
“We’re supposed to be studying,” she’d gasped as his mouth found the sensitive spot where her neck met her shoulder. Between his hands and his mouth, she couldn’t think straight.
“We are…I’m studying you.” He switched to the other side, and the clasp came free. “I think it may take years there’s so much to discover….”
Stop it, Tina, she scolded herself. That’s exactly what got you into this predicament. Shivering in the chilly room, she pulled the gown on and slid out of her capris and underwear (They were pink lace. Tina wasn’t one for pink or lace, normally, but Newt had expressed a fondness for seeing her in both, so she was trying).
Feeling uncomfortably exposed, Tina slid her phone from her purse and hopped back onto the exam bed. You’re doing the right thing , she reminded herself for the hundredth time. She debated texting Newt but discarded the idea at once. Instead, she opened the photo app and thumbed through the collection tagged with his name. There were a surprising number of them.
She’d taken the most recent just two days ago at Falconrest. When she’d arrived, Newt had been teaching a lesson with the youngest children — all under six. Each child was accompanied by a parent or other adult. Newt held the lead rope of the youngest child, a giggly, just-turned-four-year-old named Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn loved her pony, Elmo, and she loved Newt. Tina had a sneaking suspicion she loved Newt even more than Elmo. In the photo, Kaitlyn was leaning almost completely out of the saddle so she could fling both arms around Newt’s neck. Both of them were laughing.
Tina’s smile faded as a conversation she’d had with Queenie came back to her. They’d talked about having children someday. Surprise! Someday is now! Again, she saw the child her mind had conjured up, but all she could remember were the freckles on the small hands. Her imagination hadn’t shown her a face.
But I could see it if I wanted to.
With a start, Tina found herself back on her feet and yanking the gown over her head with feverish haste. She threw on her clothes without caring about how she looked. A peek outside showed an empty hallway. The receptionist at the front desk looked up in surprise when she appeared around the corner.
“I...I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” Not waiting for a reply, she pushed open the door to the waiting room and hurried across it with one goal in mind. By the time she reached Newt’s car, she was running.
“Tina?” Newt barely had time to open the driver’s side door and stand up before she crashed into him.
“I can’t do it! I thought I wanted to, but I couldn’t do it!” She clutched at him, fighting the suffocating drag of panic. “I’m sorry, Newt. I’m sorry!”
He wrapped both arms around her, holding her just as tightly. “Are you sure, Tina — absolutely sure? I can’t go through this again.” She could hear the tears trembling on the edge of his voice.
“I’m positive.” She buried her face in his chest and let the beat of his heart calm her. “If you think we can do this parents thing, then I’m willing to try.”
Newt gave a watery chuckle and pulled back just enough to look down at her. “The keyword there is try. We might be horrible at it.”
“We might, but at least we’ll have each other.”
“And Queenie and Jacob and his parents. And mine once they know,” Newt continued. “Oh bugger! Theseus will be the most annoying uncle ever.”
Tina stretched up and kissed him. “Jacob will spoil the kid rotten. They can have a contest.”
“I think we should go tell them. If that’s okay, I mean?”
“Yes, I feel horrible for putting you all through this.”
Newt walked her around to the passenger side — he’d finally fixed the lock at her insistence — and opened the door. “Don’t. You were doing what you thought was best at the time.”
They drove across town holding hands across the console.
At this hour, Kowalski’s bakery and coffee shop was nearly deserted. The morning rush had ended and the lunch one not yet started.
The bell over the door jangled to announce their arrival, and Jacob poked his head out from the kitchen. When he saw them, his welcoming expression turned stony. Tina winced inwardly. I’ve got a lot of making up to do with everyone, I think. She took a deep breath of the coffee-scented air
Jacob slowly took off his apron and stepped behind the counter. "Cecily, why don't you go ahead and take your break before it gets busy again?"
Cecily looked at Tina and Newt, obviously curious, but nodded. She'd been in Queenie's class, and Tina wondered if Queenie had talked to her about all this.
Jacob waited until Cecily was out of earshot before he turned back to them. His normally rosy face looked pale and drawn. "Queen's upstairs. She...had a bad night, to put it mildly. And I didn't do too well myself. If you're just gonna upset her again —."
"No, Jacob. I'm so sorry about all that. Can we go up and see her, please?"
His stern expression softened. "'Course you can. You're family after all."
"Can you come with us?" Newt asked as they stepped behind the counter to join him. "We'd like to talk to both of you."
Jacob's brows drew together in puzzlement. "Sure, I guess I can take a few minutes. I'll just get Dan to watch the front. You guys go on up."
As she climbed the stairs, Tina's stomach clenched, but this time from nerves instead of morning sickness. "We've never fought before," she'd told Newt in the car. "Not really — just about stuff like her snooping in my diary."
He'd laughed and shaken his head. "Theseus and I fought on a regular basis — actual fistfights more than once. If we lived closer, we still might get into it. Just because you fight or argue doesn't mean you don't love each other, Tina."
"I know…”
And she did, but she still held her breath while she waited for Queenie to answer her gentle knock on the apartment door. Maybe she was sleeping. Maybe Jacob had texted to say Tina was there, and Queenie didn’t want to see her.
The sound of the deadbolt made her jump, and Newt put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. The door eased open a few inches to reveal Queenie’s face framed by a tumble of unkempt blond curls.
“Tina?” She sounded groggy, the way she used to on school mornings when Tina resorted to physically dragging her out of bed. She still wore her nightgown and robe even though it was nearly noon.
Tina noted her the dark circles under her sister’s red-rimmed eyes and felt another pang. She’ll be happy as soon as we tell her, she reminded herself. “Hey, can we come in?”
Queenie glanced from her to Newt and then to Jacob, standing behind them. He must’ve nodded because she opened the door without a word.
The apartment wasn’t the tidy, cheerful place Tina was used to. A plate of half-eaten toast sat on the coffee table among a riot of used tissues. A basket of unfolded laundry spilled its contents onto the floor.
“So,” Queenie picked up a piece of toast and nibbled it disinterestedly while not looking at them. “Did you do it?”
Tina took a step toward her. “No. I couldn’t.”
Queenie’s hand stopped with the toast halfway to her mouth. Jacob’s indrawn breath was loud in the quiet room.
“I tried to.” Tina took another step as if Queenie was a skittish horse at the barn that might spook if she moved the wrong way. “I got as far as the exam room and I...I just couldn’t do it.” Another step. “So I guess what I’m trying to say is, do you still want to babysit?”
The toast fell to the carpet in a spatter of crumbs as Queenie flung herself into Tina’s arms. “I’m gonna be an aunt? Really?”
Tina hugged her as hard as she could. They were both crying and laughing at the same time. “Yeah. And I guess I’m gonna be a mom after all.”
Dimly she heard Jacob say to Newt, “Come on, pal. Let's give them some privacy.”
“You’ll do great, Teenie.” Queenie pulled back and wiped at her eyes. “Look at us! Well, at least they’re happy tears.” She dragged Tina over to the couch and sat close beside her. “So, what made you change your mind?”
Tina grabbed a clean tissue from the box and mopped at her face. “It was a lot of things...But I guess the biggest…” She blushed, unsure of how to approach the topic.
“What?” Queenie grinned and nudged her. “Fess up!”
“Well....” Haltingly, Tina explained about her daydream of a child with Newt’s freckles. “I don’t think it was a vision, but —.”
“It sounds like a vision to me! And here I thought I was the only clairvoyant in this family.” She beamed with sisterly pride.
“Oh, stop it!” Tina gave Queenie a playful shove in her turn before growing serious again. “Whatever it was, I realized in the exam room that I really wanted to see their face.” She sniffed and reached for another tissue.
Queenie drew her into a hug, tissues and all. “Aww...I think that’s a really beautiful reason, Teenie.”
“I’m sorry. I know you and Jacob have been trying for months now. It feels so unfair.”
“No, I’m the one who should be sorry.” Queenie sat back and regarded her solemnly. “I got mad at you for something you had no control over. You’ve got enough to worry about and I just added to it.”
Tina laughed a little shakily. “Newt says ‘worrying means you suffer twice,’ but I think he’s full of crap.”
“Well, try not to,” Queenie said. “We’ll help as much as we can and so will Mama and Daddy Kowalski.” She clapped her hands in glee. “Oh, they’re going to be so thrilled when you tell them! Let’s go over there right now!” She jumped up and tried to pull Tina toward the door.
“Queenie! You’ve still got your pajamas on, you goose!” It felt good to laugh again. It’s going to be crazy and it’ll turn our lives upside down, but I think it will be worth it.
Much later, after a celebratory meal with the Kowalskis, Newt and Tina drove back to his apartment — their apartment now at least for the summer — in the late afternoon sunshine.
“Newt? Will your parents be okay with all this?” Tina ventured. From what he’d said, she knew his parents were very focused on their work as marine biologists and had allowed Newt and Theseus plenty of freedom growing up.
He grinned over at her. “Okay? It’s their first grandchild — they’ll be over the moon! I’ll give them a call tonight.” He reached for her hand and brought it to his lips. “And they’ll love you, so don’t worry about that.”
“You’re such a sap,” she teased when he kept hold of her. “Daddy….”
They pulled into Newt’s parking space and he switched off the engine. “What time is your exam tomorrow?”
Tina climbed out and reached in the back for the leftovers Mama Kowalski had given them. “Nine and then I need to finish packing up my part of the room. After that….” She trailed off as she mentally ticked off everything she needed to do: find an ob-gyn, make appointments - probably multiple ones….
“Hey.” Newt turned her to face him. “Your eyes glazed over, there. What did I tell you about worrying?”
She started to speak and he pressed a finger lightly against her lips. “We’re going to have a fantastic summer. We’re going to get you and the baby checked out, and then we’re going to watch my idiot brother marry the love of his life.”
“Oh is that all?” Tina couldn’t help laughing as Newt replaced the finger with his lips for a sweet kiss.