Chapter Text
Meanwhile, somewhere in upstate New York in the Avengers Headquarters:
“Sir-”
“Jarvis, can’t you see I’m busy? Really busy?” Tony Stark said rhetorically as he swung on his chair. “Now where were we---” He tugs at Peter Parker’s elbow. “Stretch out your arm.” Peter obeyed, extending his arm to show a tear running up his arm. He hadn’t been injured, but the suit was badly torn, which was why he was now at the Avengers base.
“Interesting. How do you get the suit ripped? Jarvis, do you remember many materials we tested in order to find something equally flexible yet strong enough? Do you think you can replicate--”
“ Sir-! ”
“What now Jarvis? Can’t you see I’m trying to have one of those bonding moments?” Tony Stark muttered as he poked the hole thoughtfully. “Alright alright, show me what you got.”
“I’ve detected some unusual thermal activity in central China, near the QingCheng mountains.” A holograph helpfully popped out, zooming into a rather cute looking village with cute looking farms. “It’s the same thermal signature when Captain Rogers was initially revived.”
“Wait what? Why didn’t you say so sooner?” Tony grumbled as he turned away from Peter. “Alright let’s suit up, what’s the ETA? Can we get a satellite view? Check for any activity from our usual --”
“Do you think I can come too?” Peter looked hopefully. “I’m an Avenger now too right? It’ll be like when I came with you to Sok--”
“Jarvis initiate Baby Love Lockdown.” Tony interrupted, “and NO YOU CAN’T COME. What would Aunt May say? I can’t be responsible for you. We told her you were just going upstate for a suit check today.”
“I’ll be really careful!” Peter said, giving his best puppy-eye expression. “It’ll be a learning experience!”
Tony gave him a once over. “You’ve been picking up tricks from Natasha haven’t you? No you can’t come. Wait-” Tony paused, arranging his features to look more stern. “-check out my Pepper impression: I’m doing this out of love for your own good . How’s that huh? Was it good?”
He turned away as the suit fitted over his body, the metal flowing over his limbs like a second skin. “Don’t even think about hitching a ride this time, I’ve got you on Baby Love Lockdown.” Iron Man waggled a metal finger before blasting off.
Super soldiers. That was still a sore point between himself and Captain America, especially after the Winter Soldier incident. In the end, there was no winners for the Sokovia Accords, but in the same way, no real losers either.
The Sokovia Accords acknowledged the Avengers as an emergency defense team for Earth, thus protecting all super-powered individuals from political persecution and service to any specific nation. The problem was in representation. Over half the team was American, and then came the pesky problem of defining what exactly was a super-power.
Someone like Thor was easily classifiable since he was Asgardian, and therefore alien. However Super Soldiers were made, not born with powers. Plus the name: “Captain America” while acceptable 50 years ago, was definitely not cool in the age of intersectionality and inclusion.
Captain Planet would be better, Tony thought sourly to himself. He tried to imagine the DoD's response to the rebrand. America would go into uproar.
Even more problematic were pure humans like himself, who by the dint of technology, had acquired superhuman powers. With that logical reasoning, it meant that an individual with sufficient technology ( weapons, a voice in his head whispered. Stark weapons. ) -- Alright! Anyone with sufficient weaponized technology, could be considered a superpowered individual.
It was a greenlight basically, for any country to start their own arms race. What a shitshow.
Still, the Sokovia Accords had healed the rife between himself and Captain Rogers, or at least, settled on the problem of Bucky Barnes, née Winter Soldier. He had been granted a degree of political clemency since his actions had been HYDRA’s brainwashing, and even better -- Bucky Barnes had voluntarily returned with T’Challa to Wakanda as a show of good faith.
If the Avengers could prove to the world as worthy heroes not just because of their powers, but also how they held themselves to a higher standard, then perhaps the Avengers ideal would be less than a dream and more an achievement.
Baby steps, he reminded himself. Now to see what’s going on here---
CRASH! Iron Man broke through the ceiling, debris raining and exploding over the warehouse floor, the dust rising from the hay with chickens scurrying away, clacking loudly in protest. It wasn’t like any science lab Tony recognized.
If anything, it looked more like a farmer’s barn, bales of hay and rice stacked high, the wooden roof splintering to the open sky. As the dust settled, he saw four standing figures dressed in flowing robes of various colours, each holding what looked like a musical instrument.
“Hey Jarvis, are you sure we got the right coordinates? Did China revive their top boyband or something?” Tony looked at them, trying to make out who they were.
They didn’t look Super Soldiers, and they weren’t carrying anything that looked like a weapon…. If anything, they looked more like those ancient samurai cosplayers from Comic-Con down at Javits Center. But these were Chinese Super Soldiers right?? Not Japanese??? Maybe there was some kind of historical crossover that happened in ancient times, hmm.
He squinted, zooming into the group to peer closer. Was that a…. Lute ? Did the white-robe dude just pull out a lute??? Tony Stark couldn’t recall anything about a lute.
“Hello!” Tony called out, flipping his mask up to reveal his human face. He didn’t want another Winter Soldier repeat if he could help it, and it was entirely possible that they were mostly harmless. “Hello?!”
The four men turned to face him, their long hair swishing elegantly behind. “这是什么地方? 我们在 那 ?”
“Oh crap.” Tony said. Of course. He could’ve kicked himself. Why did I assume they would speak English? Thankfully, advances in technology allowed for situations like this.
“ Jarvis, load Chinese language module, engage live translation.” Tony commanded.
“ 你好! 我叫 Tony Stark. [Hello! My name is Tony Stark.]” He said all of this in English, his Iron Man suit automatically taking his words and translating it. It came out sounding a little strange, Jarvis’s British accent sounding tinny and stiff in Chinese.
Well, he’ll update Jarvis’s language module when they got back to the Stark Tower. First things first, it was time to do his job as an Avenger! Tony strode confidently towards the group. “我是来报仇! [I am here to avenge!]”
报仇!!! [Avenge!!!!]
The word resounded like thunder, shock rippling through the cultivator group. Little did Tony Stark know that he was the unfortunate victim of a machine-translated error, and had accidentally said the words that Wei Wuxian feared most to hear.
Wei Wuxian immediately stepped forward. He didn’t recognize this man but surely it was for him! There was absolutely no reason for someone to want vengeance on the Twin Jades of Lan, and Jiang Cheng for all his faults, had placed importance in his duty as leader of Yunmeng and would not commit grave offenses.
Therefore, this strange avenger must be for him. Who else would want vengeance on the rest?
Really , Wei Wuxian thought bitterly to himself. Why does this keep happening?
He racked his brain, but couldn’t recall anything of this strange ‘Tony Stark’ person. Surely his memory was better than this, how could he forget such an outlandish figure?? Was he even human?
Wei Wuxian couldn’t tell. He was sure that the talking head was of a human male, but that shiny reflective body made of gold and red metal looked neither like a corpse or any type of flesh he knew. It was almost like his entire body was made of sword! Despite this person claiming to want revenge on the Yiling Patriach, Wei Wuxian didn’t sense any resentful energies. It was truly puzzling.
Regardless, Wei Wuxian stepped forward, calling out:
“是我,
魏无羡!”
[It is I, Wei No Envy!]
“我不记得对你做什么错,
但你复仇与夷陵老祖
支付
。”
[I don’t remember what I did to you wrong, but your revenge with Mount Yi Ling Old Ancestor payment.]
Tony Stark was incredibly confused. Revenge? Ancestors? What the hell was this Chinese man saying?!?! He read the machine-translated logs, it all sounded like gibberish! When he got back to Stark Tower, he was definitely going to upgrade the translation module.
“OK Jarvis, let’s try this again.”
“I-” [我] He pointed to himself. “-am Tony Stark. [-是Tony Stark].”
“My coworkers. [我的队友] ” A holographic logo of the Avengers ‘A’ popped up helpfully from his suit blaster. “We are heroes who help protect the world.” [我们是帮助保护世界的英雄。]
Realization dawned on Wei Wuxian’s face. Ah! A foreign cultivator! No wonder he looked and spoke so strangely. He felt a deep sense of relief, thank heavens it wasn’t another person blaming Yiling Patriarch again. He relaxed his stance, nodding to Tony to continue.
“Who [你]” -- Tony asked Wei Wuxian, before gesturing to the rest of the group. “Are you? [是谁?]”
[我是
魏无羡, 那是蓝忘机...] [蓝曦臣... ] [江晚吟...]
"I am Wei No Envy, that is Blue Forgetting Machine, Blue First Morning Minister and River Evening Song." Wei Wuxian said, introducing his fellow cultivators, pointing at each person.
Tony Stark was in complete admiration as he glanced at Lan Wangji’s beautiful jade-like skin, his pale golden eyes and expressionless face. WOW! Were ancient Chinese civilizations so advanced? How did they make such an amazing A.I. machine? He was greatly impressed.
"Wow!” [ 哇!] Tony breathed softly, still awestruck. "Your blue forgetting machine is truly amazing!!!" [你的蓝忘机真是太棒了!!!]
"Isn’t he?? Wei Wuxian patted Lan Wangji's shoulder affectionately. "We're cultivation partners!"
Official Tan couldn’t bear to watch this exchange any longer. He had fainted from fear when Iron Man crashed through his roof, and regained consciousness long enough to hear Tony Stark and Wei Wuxian exchanging introductions.
He felt himself grow in anger.
What was this bullshit?! Why was this Chinese Immortal being so friendly with an Avenger? Did he not have any national pride?
“Idiots! All of you are idiots! I woke you up! I’m Tan Cheng Gu, 27th rank official in the local ministry of Chengdu, Sichuan.” He cried out angrily in Chinese. “We woke you and your brothers up to take up arms and represent China, not chit-chat with these Earth defenders!”
Now you must remember that while Wei Wuxian was busy chatting away with Tony Stark, Jiang Cheng was standing behind in a foul mood. He woke up with a bad taste in his mouth and a blasted headache made 1000x worse from listening to Wei Wuxian’s stupid pantomime. And now some pot-bellied pompous ass official was calling them idiots? Who the fuck did he think he was?
Jiang Cheng regarded him coldly, his finger stroking Zidian idly. “And who are you to give us orders?”
“You’re supposed to represent us!” Official Tan cried, thumping his chest patriotically. “You’re part of China!”
If possible, Jiang Cheng’s expression grew even colder. Even Wei Wuxian took a step back. He knew that expression very well, after all he had been recipient of these dark looks in the past. There was no mistaking that face, Jiang Cheng was definitely going to lose it right now!!!
“What is this China you speak of? Are you telling me that Yunmeng has been taken over by the China clan?! If you think a measly official like yourself can order me - Jiang Wan Yin, Sandu Shengshou, Sect Leader of Yunmeng Jiang -- then I will destroy you and the China clan JUST LIKE HOW WE DESTROYED THOSE WEN DOGS!” Purple lighting danced furiously around him, anger writ on his face. Jiang Cheng glowered.
Sparks fell, tiny flames lighting up before burning out, and leaving not even an ember. Official Tan squealed as one landed precariously near him. It wasn’t supposed to be like this!!! He felt desperately like crying, it was a complete misunderstanding! But how does one explain that to these cultivated Immortals?
You see, Official Tan was in a quandary. These Xianxia Immortals must have lived in 2070 B.C or earlier, during the mythical Xia Dynasty, more poetically known as the Three Sovereigns and Five Emperors period. It would be at least another 1800 years before Qin ShiHuang unified the warring feudal states to become the First Emperor of Imperial China…… If one were to be extremely precise, this Jiang Wan Yin was probably not wrong.
So this angry purple-robed Immortal was probably correct that his clan was completely destroyed, and whatever this Yunmeng place was, well, it was probably polluted and paved over into modern development and assuming the clan had descendents, then they were probably Chinese citizens living happily and unknowingly of some ancient sect or whatever.
But still! Official Tan’s heart throbbed painfully, his eyes watering.
This was all an unfortunate misunderstanding!
How was he supposed to explain over 3,000 years of history, most of which he barely understood? Xianxia and Wuxia were folklores! Legends! Before the whole Super Soldier China/Immortal Retrieval project started, he hadn’t even thought of them as real, living persons. They were supposed to be Chinese heroes to be studied and memorized in school, not carrying scary electric whips ( Really! Whips?! This was too much like being caned by a parent!)
Oh Heaven! Oh Goddess of Mercy! Why was he so unlucky?! He was too young to die, he didn’t even get his promotion yet, how did he end up in such a bad situation facing an Immortal? He was asthmatic, he failed gym class…. this wasn’t even a fair fight!
“Please…. Oh great sir, this is really a big misunderstanding.” Official Tan prostrated himself. “China is..” He groped for words, finally settling on the version that will hopefully not get him killed. “China is a group of many clans living together under one banner.”
“One banner?” Jiang Cheng’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “How did one clan manage to declare itself leader? Yunmeng Jiang would never bow down before another leader unless …..” His hand lifted, the Zidian’s glow crackling powerfully around his face. “Unless something was terribly wrong.”
“Sect Leader Jiang Wan Yin,” Lan Xichen said. “Maybe we should find out more information before doing anything rash?” He touched Jiang Cheng’s shoulder firmly. “We shouldn’t jump to any conclusions before knowing more, this man doesn’t look like the person in charge, he shouldn’t carry all the blame…”
“Yeah!” Wei Wuxian added. “Besides, don’t you find this entire situation a bit odd?” He pointed to Tony. “This foreign cultivator, is not like any human we know, this room-” He gestured broadly. “Is not built like anything familiar. This man, even though he speaks our language, is dressed really strangely.”
All of this was true, but it rankled Jiang Cheng that Wei Wuxian had to be the one to point it out. There was no point pursuing this further especially since Lan Wangji would just back Wei Wuxian up, and Lan Xichen would back his brother… really this was unfair right from the beginning, Jiang Cheng thought sourly. Three-against-one again!!
“Okay. Um. Hello?” Tony interrupted, who had been listening to their conversation with Machine Translation Jarvis. It wasn’t perfect, but he got the gist of it. Something about these Super Soldiers not siding with China?? He wasn’t totally sure, but that was good news. Maybe he could get them under the Sokovia Accords faster before this blew up into yet another international incident.
“So alright we’ve got the lute guy, the flute guy, the purple guy and …. Flute guy?” Tony scratched his head. “Okay you’ll be the white flute guy, that makes four of them right Jarvis?”
“Yes sir. All of them are speaking the same language and wearing similar styled robes, it is highly likely that they are all from the same era.”
“Oh good, good.” He looked thoughtfully at them, rubbing his chin. “OK Jarvis, can you ask them if they want to come with me to the HQ? Peacefully? No misunderstandings okay? Keep it simple.”
[伟大的英雄，拜托，请你陪我回家。] Jarvis spoke stiffly, each character overprounced slowly.
Official Tan clapped his hand over his ears, ugh listening to this machine was even worse than hearing Mark Zuckerberg speak Chinese on TV! First this man crashes his barn roof, then he chats up China’s Greatest Immortals and now he’s speaking Chinese so horrible that he would gladly beg his life to stop.
For the recently awakened cultivators though, it sounded like a good offer. “I think we should go with him to find out more.” Wei Wuxian announced. He was curious about this metal-sword man. In any case, it was very flattering to be thought of as a hero after being called so many villainous names in the past!
“Who made you the leader?” Jiang Chang sneered, crossing his arms. “I hate to agree with anything you say, but Wuxian is right. We should find out more, and this man--” Jiang Chang pointed to Official Tan laid quivering on the ground. “Is loathsome .”
“Then we’re in agreement!” Lan Xichen said brightly. He was beginning to worry that the two foster siblings would start bickering again. As it was, he also had a headache (from hungover from the drug cocktail and waking up 2000 years later, but he didn’t know that then) but he tried not to let it show. Taking charge of this unruly bunch, he easily cut through the conversation,.
“Yes, we’ll follow you to your home.” [我们和你一起去。] Lan Xichen said. “Please show us the way.”
Tony quickly engaged his blasters to lift off, BOOM! He shot into the sky in a billow of smoke and heat. Behind him, four cultivators elegantly rose in the air, their robes shimmering poetically against the mountains that grew smaller and smaller as they rode on their shining swords, flying gracefully and in complete ignorance, towards America the land of free.
Official Tan could have cried at the sight, slapping his mouth at his own stupidity. Ahhh damnit! Foiled by a white man again!