Chapter Text
I wake early, I could tell he wasn't sleeping.
"Open your eyes, you're not sleeping, I have seeing you a million times, then I know how you looks likes when you are sleeping." Then he did and smile at me, beautiful smile that I missed so much.
"I knew that you was to know, I wake up a little before than you, nurse came here to bring me my breakfast, talk with me, she said that a doctor he's came over here to said when I can back home. C, I looked for you every where and I couldn't find you, where did you go?"
"I was In another city I didn't want to be find so I just left town." I said with a week smile. I shouldn't have done that, now I know I was so wrong.
"All that I want is back to you, back to our house, back to the road and do what I love with you, our friends and our fans."
"We can do all. I want that too, so what you did all this time?"
"Most of the days for months I was drinking without stop, probably you saw the news the two times when I tried ending my life, I will tell you how that happened, I stopped with the drinks, but not because I was feeling better, but just I didn't wanted drink anymore, but I was feeling empty and lonely even with the guys around me, then I started hanging out with others guys to have a fuck or something with them but I didn't kiss them and didn't let they fuck me you need to know that but them I realized that wasn't, helping either, then I back to drugs you know how that works, I don't need explain why looks so much easier, but the truth is not because when you came back to reality, you realize what you lost, you realize how many time you lost, then I started cutting… because I didn't feel anything, at some point I couldn't even feel the pain from the cuts, and like that was when I ended here for the second time Joe find me and call 911, I didn't wanted to die I wanted to feel something but that day nothing, I didn't feel anything… first time I ended here because I almost overdose with some pills, Dave find me and made me put them out, them he drove me here for they check if I was fine, the first time I wished die for real, and this time I wished that too then I jumped on the pool, Valerie find me... This year and half was the worse of my life, I can't wait until this year end, I want start over, move forward you know? I made a lot of mistakes, I push you away, tried push the guys away, but they didn't giving up on me, I pick fights with strangers on the streets for no reason, and do you know what happened one of those days? My grandpa passed away I couldn't seeing him, and you know how much I loved that guy, he's was everything that my dad wasn't for me, I never couldn't tell him goodbye or said one last time that I love him, and this... I never will forgive myself, all was happening at the same time and so fast, and I needed have to deal with you away, and all those things happened because I couldn't bring myself to tell you what happened two years ago... Chaz I hate this year...and myself for all." Then he breakdown, I back to his bed and hold him, my mind still processing all that he had told me, drugs, cutting, Mr. Shinoda passing away, others guys, suicide attempt, too much to heard on the morning, worse thing was came from the guy who I love, I couldn't help I cry with him, I felt guilty, worthless, how I just left?
"My God Mike, I'm so sorry that happened to you, you're too good good to feel all of this pain, if I could I take them away from you, if needed I put all on me,but I can't all that I can do is stay by your side, I should had done that before, and I'm so sorry, you're not alone and never will be, I'm here even if you didn't want me I will stay." He still crying, and I trying take my breath back, after some minutes I calm down but he's still crying against my chest. I just hold him, looks like he doesn't have a breakdown in while.
The nurse tried talk to him, but he didn't want to hear, he lifted up a little his head and he just said:
"You. don't. dare. make him leave this. bed." He holding me tight.
"Oh. I won't." She says than said that the doctor was coming in 10 minutes and left.
"Comm Mike you need see the doctor, breath with me ok? We can sorted out this later." He calmed down, and looked at me, his eyes was different from the real, it's not brighter like before, it's dark, and sad.
"Oh love what happened to you?" I wispperd to myself. He heard me I felt he tensed against me, I was about to ask but the doctor came. I stand up and take his hand, then he asked to the doctor:
"When can I back home?"
"Today in the afternoon, do have a therapist Michael?"
"I'm not going to therapy it's be a couple years, but I still take my meds and..."
"You have to go back, with that it's be the third time that you're here this year, when was the last session did you had?"
"Was around 2006 or 2007 his last time, he was fine but almost two years ago, he started with a breakdown, then at some point he wasn't talking with anyone even with me, he shout out from everyone, than with time starts with the drinks we lost all control, and he lost control of himself, two times on rehab, but didn't work..."
"He needs back, I'm not telling this will make him better but is the only option here, you can't stay doing this to yourself Michael, am I wrong or I saw you here because this?" The doctor asked me.
"Yeah I tried two times as adult, four times when I was younger, but someone told me a lot of the times this wasn't the answer, told me how loved I was, how much people care about me, that person always said this for me and since the last time, I tried fighting against this feeling of being empty that I feel sometimes, but the person is my strength and I have amazing friends and fans it's all the I was needed to see to try, I can't lie it's hard, sometimes I feel all that I used to feel…but I have all the I need to keep fighting." I couldn't see Mike fighting to not cry again and I was in the same situation.
"That's is incredible, and you Michael do you see something to fighting for?"
"I do…"
"Then fight, I lost my son because depression and I hate see more people dying because this, he die with 14 years old, it's fucking hard to me, I just wished die but I have to take of my wife, and my youngest kids so it's because them that I'm fighting every single day, so guys at afternoon I will came here to send you home."
"Thanks doc, I'm sorry about your son." We said.
"Yeah me too, I need to go now." Then he left us alone again.
"Do you wanna talk?" I asked him but he just said no.
"Okay then, where's you phone I can hear you're receiving messages." I said.
"My jeans pocket I guess." He pointed to where his clothes was, I take his phone I saw was Brad texting, I look at mine phone but I didn't have charge.
"Who is it?" He asked.
"Brad, my phone died and he couldn't text me, he's worried about you." Then I told Brad that Mike leaving the hospital today, and told him about my phone.
"Tell him that I will go home today and he can visit me tomorrow."
"I already did that, and ask for him just let the guys visit you next week, you need some space and time."
"You're so right, yeah that's fine for me, but I will texted them every day one or two time for day."
"Yeah okay." Then I text Brad what Mike said and he agreed.
"I need come over home take the car or do you want that I call our driver?"
"Call Danny, I need you here."
"Okay then, just wait I sec I need go to bathroom."
"I need that too, help me stand up then you can go and I will go after, I'm feeling dizzy not much but…" then I helped him. Did I was wanting for do for hours and then I back to him.
"Can you stand up? Do you need that I hold you?"
"No it's fine, I just need help to get there." Then I did and I stay against the wall waiting.
"Ok I finished, I hate this fucking clothes."
"HAHAHAHAHA me too it's showing your ass."
"Yeah that's why I hate this I hated being naked around place that I don't know, I feel exposed, I'm not comfortable, if someone get in.
"Don't worry I will stay behind you."
"Thank you, Chaz did you work on something?"
"A lot Mike, I've been like crazy writing about you and us, did Brad told you, that I said that you could keep going without in the band?"
"Yes, but I didn't wanted so we stopped and I got worse, without you and stage, I hated." He said looking deep in my eyes.
"I know the feeling, I'm so sorry that I left you…"
"You had your reasons, I get it you know I've been working a lot too, I show them for the guys we did some work, but some of the songs just will work with your voice, I used to make songs to you sing it's hard change that, and I always thinking that you would come back, you left your clothes in home."
"That was my plane, came back, but some point my head said that you would be better without me, so that's why I didn't come early."
"Oh uh do you date or did you have sex with someone else after me?"
"No I tried once but stopped before, since that day I just able to cum by my hand, I missing you, I missing cuddle with you, missing your kisses, missing your body and every part of you, I'm still in love with you."
"Yeah me too." I was about to kiss me but the nurse came in and has I have promise to him I stay behind him.
"So Michael, we did I check up, you're fine get ready the doctor came here about one hour." So he thank her and she left.
"I'm glad that you're ok at least with your physical health."
"Me too C, I need change take them for me please." He pointed at his clothes, I take them and give them to him, so he walked to the bathroom. I checked his phone to see if there's anything new or if someone said something but nothing interesting at least, the only thing that is good it's the stuff that they say to us.
"Okay I'm here, now we just have to wait." So he came back to bed and ask to stay with him, we talk a bit about our lives without each other. I know that he have say something to me since when all his suffer start, I'm so worried about him.
"I will call Danny." He nodded and then I left the room, one thing cross my mind what we're? Boyfriend's?, Husband's? I really don't know, I called Dan and he agreed with everything.
"He's coming about 30 minutes, I will look for the doctor."
"Hey I'm my way." The doc said after he saw me I nodded and back to Mike.
"I see that you are ready to get out of here!"
"Hell yeah, that's all I want right now, did you find the doctor?"
"Yeah, he said that he will be here in a few minutes."
"Kay I missing you C."
"Me too love! What we are now? I'm a bit confused about."
"I… we're us, you're my best friend, my partner, my boyfriend, you're my everything." Then we kissed for the first time since I had back, he was crying I realized that because I could taste the tears.
"I'm sorry for interrupting you guys." The doc said, we stopped and we look at him.
"I'm sorry I'm a little emotional." Mike says as he stopped his tears.
"It's ok, you have to sign this and go home, stay safe, fight to have back your life, you're strong and you're not alone." Doctor said as Mike sign the paper.
"Well that's it, you can go home now." He said smiling at us and left.
"Ok Danny he's here let's go home, I need a shower, my bed and my boyfriend. He smiles and we walk to the car where Danny was waiting for us.
"Hey Danny, I've missed you."
"It's good to have you back, Mike how are you?"
"I'm ok I guess, so let's go home." We talk all the time. Then Danny stopped the car.
"Home sweet home." Mike says getting out of the car.
"Did you guys needed something else?"
"No, you can go back home if you wanted, we call you if we need. Thanks Danny." I said he nodded and left.
"I can't believe we're here…" Mike says, then we get in.
"My God how I've missed this place, I never ever felt like I was in home back there, I didn't have you that why nothing was making sense."
"Same, after you left I didn't feel like I was at my home, I was so broken."
"Yeah, baby I need a shower."
"Go head then I know that you want shower with me but I can't I'm not ready to you see the scars I know that you saw some of them here…" he said point to his arms.
"But I'm not ready to you see the rest, so… I love you ok? I just..."
"Okay love, I will shower quickly to you go take your shower too."
"Thanks for understanding."
"You know that I do understand." I said as I going to our room, see that our closet still the same it's all here.
"I didn't take away anything." He said.
"You scary me Mike gee! I was distracted."
"Sorry…go take your shower love." He sits on the floor, he does that because he never sits on the bed after hospital or something.
"Okay." Then I take my shower quickly, after I dress myself and get out and Mike still on the floor.
"Well that was fast, it's my turn." He says as he's going.
"Don't lock the door." He nodded and just close the door.
I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have to leave him but I was hurt and scared what else I could do? It's not a excuse, the truth is you're a fucked up, and anyone loves you, you born to hurt people, you're worthless, it's no true Mike loves me, I know he's love me, stay away from me!
"I can't fuck believe that I'm listening this again." I mumbled for myself I didn't see before but Mike was there by my side.
"God you was really away, it's be like 5 minutes that I'm here trying take your attention.
"Sorry…I was just thinking."
"Uh do you wanna talk?"
"It's that I shouldn't have left, now I feel bad…" it's half of the truth.
"Uh ok we're here now it's all the matters, baby steps kay? We can do it, we're strong together."
"Kay what do you want to eat?" I ask trying change the subject.
"Anything…"
"Ok go watch TV or however I will do something to us."
"I want to help you."
"Not today Mike,I will do it by myself today, and don't worry I'm fine."
"Right, ok then I'm will be at our room." He said, I know that he knows there's something wrong, but I don't wanna talk about at least not now.
I wanted so bad to cry but I can't I need do something to us eat, I'm trying so hard ignore all those voices in my head, and like this I did know she's back, it's been a while since I've been on this situation. I need be strong for him, I can't fall now!
I finished then I call Mike to eat, and we did but in silence, after he help me with the kitchen.
"I going to sleep are you coming?" I ask.
"Yeah, I will be there in a few."
"Kay…" I go to the bathroom and I can't look myself on the mirror, I know what happens and always ended at hospital. I take deep breaths then I get out from there. Mike was looking for the wall.
"We need going to sleep." I said before he ask me if I'm ok or something.
"Yeah, I love you." He said.
"I love you too." I kiss him and lay with him, he try talk to me about this but I didn't let him, I don't wanna talk about it.
"Good night babe." He says.
"Night love, I love you."
"I love you too, we will be fine. " He says.
"You're my strength, don't ever forget that."
"You too my love.." then I fall asleep soon.