Chapter Text
“Younghyun?” An older woman walks up to the boy dragging his feet down the hall of the emergency room.
Younghyun"s eyes flicker for a moment before he looks at her. He hiccups a sob out before colliding into her arms. “Please tell me this is a joke..”
Though a bit stunned, she wraps her arms around him. “It’s okay, sweetheart. Let it out.”
He screams into her shoulder, clawing at her shirt. “I’m so tired..”
---
"Jae-Do you want to come over one last time?"
Jae slowly stands, making his way over to Sungjin. "Please.."
"I"m going to pretend I don"t see that mark on your arm, too."
As soon as the door closes behind them, Jae feels tears stream down his cheeks. He wants to puke. He wants to run away. If he had the strength, he probably would.
Sungjin leads him to the car, getting in and wasting no time leaving the parking lot. He wants to comfort Jae but he’s still pissed. His hand is killing him. Dowoon is fucking lucky to be standing. If Younghyun and Jae hadn’t stopped him, he’d probably kill Dowoon.
He pulls into his driveway and Jae gets out, blankly walking to the front door. Jae opens the front door, turning and holding his key out for Sungjin.
“I guess I don’t need this anymore.” He blinks.
Sungjin quietly takes it. “Thanks..:”
Jae sits on the couch, staring blankly at the wall. “I really did deserve this. I deserve this pain.”
“Jae..you don’t deserve pain..”
“Do you think I’m not still madly in love with Dowoon? I didn’t use you..but you definitely were a distraction.”
Sungjin furrows his brows. “A distraction? Did I mean anything to you?”
“You meant the world. But I wanted the fucking sun instead..” He buries his face in his hands. “I want you to hate me. Please fucking hate me!”
“I’ll never hate you. But don’t expect me to be okay. I’m fucking hurt.” Sungjin twitches. “You hurt me and you hurt Younghyun. You hurt Dowoon. Because you were too absorbed in your own mind.”
“What was I supposed to do? He didn’t fucking want anything to do with me and I found someone that I liked instead. Is that such a bad thing? To fucking try for once instead of running away?”
“You did run away. You just didn’t fucking leave home. You ran from your fucking problems and hurt yourself the most. You wanted me to pick up the pieces. But I’m not enough for you. Even through all the hospital stays and the fucking lies. I was never enough.”
Jae thrashes, slamming his fist into his thigh. “Nothing is enough for me! I’m too fucking broken for anyone to fucking help me.”
Sungjin falls down beside Jae, pushing him into his chest. “You’re not broken, Jae. You have so much you can look forward to..”
“Not anymore..I’ll be dead soon..”
---
Younghyun didn’t have the strength to go to the funeral. But he paid for it using the money Junhyeok gave him. It was the least he could do. He just can’t handle the emotions anymore. No- he still can’t handle the emotions. It’s better to be numb..
Dowoon walks out of the bedroom and jumps at the sight of Younghyun sitting at the table.
“Shouldn’t you go dose?” He raises a brow.
“Fuck it. I fucking give up.” Younghyun drops his head into his arms. “This life isn’t for me.”
Dowoon muffles a pained groan as he steps forward, his ankle twinging in pain. He sits and rests his hand on the back of Younghyun’s head. “Do you want a change? I’ll help you, just please let me know..”
“I want..to relapse..”
“Please tell me you mean cutting.”
Younghyun sits back up and wipes the tears from his face. “If I meant that, I would have dosed today.”
Dowoon scoots his chair closer and pulls Younghyun into his chest. “I’ll do anything to make you feel better..”
“Why..”
“Because I love you.”
---
“Sungjin, what brings you in here today?” A man walks in, seeing Sungjin sitting next to the examination table.
“I’ve been in a lot of pain lately.” Sungjin says through his teeth. “My side and back have been killing me.”
The man frowns and looks on his computer at Sungjin’s chart. “Did they get bloodwork for you?”
“No sir. Just normal check-in procedure.”
“I’m gonna need you to go to the lab. I’m going to call them now.”
“You think it’s back, don’t you?”
The man sighs but smiles at Sungjin. “I sure hope not. But we need to check. It could be an infection.” He stands. “I do want to do a quick exam, though before you go down.”
Sungjin sits on the table and the man helps him lie back. He holds his breath as the doctor presses on his abdomen. His knee flies up and he whines out in pain.
“Does that hurt?” The man stops.
“Yeah..”
“Alright. I’m gonna order a few more tests for you if you have time.”
---
Younghyun’s manager looks up as Younghyun walks into the office. “Hyun, I was just about to call you. I heard you missed your dose today.”
Younghyun tosses his phone on the desk and stares. “I told the world the truth.”
The man reads the post Younghyun made, confirming his relationship. “Are you sure you can handle this?”
“Yeah.” He picks the phone back up. “I quit.”
“Younghyun..”
“I’m not meant for the public. It’s not like anyone wanted me anyway. You can’t change my mind.”
The man stands and catches Younghyun as he walks out the door. “Can you hold out until the movie releases?”
“You can keep me on your payroll all you want but I’m not coming back.” Younghyun twitches. “But if I find any aspiring talent, I’ll send them your way.”
Younghyun leaves before his manager can reply. He bites the corner of his lip to keep his composure until he reaches the car. A loud sigh escapes his lips as he drives home. Thank fuck the flat is empty right now because he just wants to be alone.
He drags his feet to the couch, vision blurring as he looks up to the bookshelf. “Jae got out..why can’t I?”
---
“Hey, scandal boy! Can you come to my office real quick?” Dowoon’s supervisor yells from across the room.
Dowoon raises a brow but follows orders, closing the door behind him. “Scandal boy?”
“Just poking fun. Your boyfriend is trending again.” She scoffs. “But what I really want to know is how’s your ankle? You’ve been limping for two weeks.”
“I’m fine..don’t worry.” He puts his head down. “Why is he trending?”
“Dowoon, stop changing the subject.” She crosses her arms. “Not as your boss but as a friend, I want you to go to the doctor and get your ankle checked. Don’t come back here without a doctor’s note.”
“But..I’m fine..”
“You look like you’re three seconds away from collapsing. Go home, Dowoon.”
“Yes, ma’am..”
He stands and slowly walks back to his desk, gathering his things. He can sense his supervisor watching him from her office. She glares as he looks over. He turns his monitor off and leaves.
Why is everyone so focused on Dowoon? He just wants to focus on others but it’s like everyone can suddenly read his mind. Maybe he really can’t hide his exhaustion anymore. Maybe he should focus on himself again. No..That isn’t going to happen. Especially with Younghyun being so vulnerable right now. Speaking of..
Dowoon gets his phone out and looks up Younghyun. He widens his eyes, seeing his post confirming everything. Is the boy out of his mind? What about his career?
Dowoon groans in frustration before driving home. He unlocks the door, hoping Younghyun is home to explain what the hell is going through his head. His stomach twists as he sees Younghyun sitting on the couch. The boy is passed out. On the coffee table lays a needle and a note.
Dowoon rushes over, a rush of emotions taking over him. He grabs the note and reads, grinding his teeth.
Once a failure, always a failure
“Younghyun?” He shakes the boy’s arm. “Wake up..Please, I need you to talk to me..”
Younghyun jumps and stares at Dowoon. His heart pounds against his chest and he feels like he’s about to puke. “What?”
“Why..What happened?”
“I just made so many more people hate me. What’s one more going to do to me? I’m numb again. Finally.”
Dowoon blinks his tears away but can’t stop his lip from quivering. “There’s better options..”
“Not for me. I lost. It’s okay.” He shrugs. “I’ll be fine.”
“No.” Dowoon grabs his arm and pulls him forward. “We’re done with this crap, Younghyun. Stop fucking lying to me and stop destroying yourself anytime something goes wrong.”
Younghyun pushes him off. “You’re seriously going to tell me that when you’ve ignored all your problems since day one?”
“So you wouldn’t fuck up anymore Younghyun! I just want you to be happy. Is that such a bad thing?”
“When was I ever anything? All I ever was was a distraction from the mistakes you made with Jae.”
“No you weren’t.” Dowoon’s voice cracks and Younghyun’s anger quickly fades to pain. “You’ve been the one thing keeping me together this whole time..”
“Was it worth it? Did I disappoint you?”
Dowoon pulls him into a hug, closing his eyes to keep from sobbing. “You’ve always been worth it, Younghyun. You deserve the world and I’ve been doing everything I can to give it to you.”
---
Jae walks out of Sungjin house, pulling his coat closed. Sungjin offered him a ride home but he just wants to be alone. Tonight is the night. He finally told Sungjin everything he felt. Dowoon found someone better. And Jae can’t take the pain anymore.
He begins his journey, digging his hands deep in his pockets. Inside one pocket is a box cutter. But he wants to give Dowoon a final goodbye. It’s only fair..
He should have warned Sungjin that this was their last night together but he was too weak. Everyone can deal with the heartache tomorrow. Maybe he should wait..No..this is really it.
His breathing stills as he quietly cracks the front door open. Younghyun looks up at him and twitches a smile. Jae sighs and moves his feet towards the kitchen. He grabs a pen and a piece of printer paper- and begins to write his note.
“Don’t tell Dowoon.” Jae whispers to Younghyun. “Tell him I was never here.”
“Jae..” Younghyun stands, afraid to see what Jae is writing.
“I’m getting the ending I deserve. Don’t worry about me.”
Jae stares at the words on the page, judging his Korean. He never really did learn to properly write it but it looks good enough. It has to be good enough. Because he doesn’t have the energy to write it again.
Younghyun grabs him as he begins to leave. “Hey-wait..”
“Please don’t stop me, hyun. I need to go..It’s better for everyone.”
Jae slides Younghyun’s hand off and drags his feet to the door. Younghyun stares for a moment, contemplating waking Dowoon. He sighs before walking back to his room and crawling under the covers. Jae will get a better life. He will find a better life..right? He’s just leaving so he can be happy.
..Right?
Jae walks around town for hours, wondering where he can even go. He can see the sun begin to rise over the horizon and knows he doesn’t have much time before Dowoon wakes up. One spot comes to mind and he quickly turns on his heels, heading to the campus. It’s still closed for Winter so he isn’t worried about anyone finding him.
Though his body is completely chilled to the bone, his tears find a way to at least heat his cheeks. God he’s so tired of crying. He’s done enough of that his entire life. He just wants one peaceful moment.
He sighs as he goes up to the walking trail behind the campus. It’s so quiet here. It’s actually peaceful. Everything almost seems like a dream. The last time he was awake this early was freshman year before he and Dowoon moved from Seoul.
His heart pounds against his chest as he sees a familiar large rock along the trail. He drops down beside it and looks down to see the same etching at the bottom. He wants to call Dowoon and tell him to pick him up. But the boy would just be disappointed. Dowoon wouldn’t have any idea how to actually help. And Jae doesn’t want to go back to the hospital.
He just fucking wants peace.
---
Sungjin scoffs out a laugh as his doctor speaks to him. Although he understood everything the man said, he can only hear static. He should be upset, right? He should break down from this news. But instead- he’s numb. It’s an odd feeling for the boy that always knew exactly how to feel and what emotions meant what. But it’s not necessarily a bad feeling.
“I’m going home..” Sungjin mumbles. “I-uh-I guess, I’ll see you later.”
He bushes out of the office, feeling as if his feet aren’t touching the ground. Just make it home. His eyes sting but he doesn’t feel like he wants to cry. Actually, he just wants to go home and sleep. He’s never felt such a sudden rush of exhaustion in his life.
He jumps as Younghyun walks up to him and he suddenly realizes that he’s already home. Younghyun waves his hand in front of Sungjin’s face, asking if he’s alright.
“I’m tired.” Sungjin yawns.
“How was your appointment?” Younghyun asks.
“Bad. But I’ll deal with it later.”
The two jump and flinch as a loud bang comes from down the hall. They stare for a moment before Younghyun yells for Dowoon. He runs down the hall, ripping the bedroom door open. The air is pushed from his lungs as he stares inside.
A rush goes to his head and he stumbles backwards. He falls onto the floor and finally has his air back to scream out. Sungjin rushes over and pulls Younghyun away from the room.
“Please..no!” Younghyun can already feel his throat becoming raw but he can’t calm down. He screams his sobs, begging for Sungjin to do something.
Sungjin trembles, his breathing becoming labored as he tries not to throw up. He would call for help but he can already hear sirens in the distance getting closer. His head hurts. The shot was so loud. It felt like it shook the entire flat.
“Help! Please!” Younghyun’s head lightens as he hears someone bamg on the door. He weakly reaches over despite being far down the hall. The last thing he remembers is Sungjin opening the door before he passed out.
-
He didn’t think he had the strength to cry anymore. Until he heard the screams of a mother that just lost her last remaining child. Until he saw the love of his life being carried away in a bag. Until he saw the note sitting on the dining room table.
Until he laid sideways on the prayer mat, wishing he actually had a god to pray to. To get all this suffering. At least Sungjin is still here. He’s sick again..but he never gave up hope. To make sure Younghyun was okay.
But Younghyun will never be okay again. Even if he has his friends. It will never be enough. It was never enough in the first place. Nothing was enough and he lost everything. He lost the most important thing in his life. The person who actually made him feel wanted. Because he never fucking wanted himself.
Since I was 16, I’ve wanted to give the best to the people around me. I wanted to be a good person. I wanted to change lives. For the most part, I’d like to think I did. But in reality..everyone around me hurt more. I hurt myself to make sure others were okay and no one noticed. But the exhaustion set in more and more each day.
I wanted to become someone that everyone could come to. And be able to actually help them. I wanted to fix the world. But I couldn’t find a way to fix myself. I put the blame onto others but in reality, only I’m to blame.
I may have left an impression on a person or two..but I’ll never get back the people I cared most about. The only remaining person was kept in the dark so I could protect them. But I wasn’t enough. I was weak and it made him weaker. You’d think I’d learn after so many years but I never fail to disappoint myself.
I never did understand what Jae meant when he said his demons won. Until my own demons casted a shadow over me. I had never felt so cold yet so warmed.
You may never forgive me and you may even join me. But I hope instead you find yourselves. Do more than I could for your health. Don’t be afraid of your demons but don’t let them win. My last few seconds will be painless but I know I filled the rest of your lives with pain. That is..if I hadn’t already.
This may not even make much sense because I’ve never spoken from my heart before. But to the person reading this..be strong. Be strong for me. Live a happy life and stop worrying about others if you can’t mentally stand on your own two feet.
-Your son, your lover, your friend, Dowoon
---
“Happy birthday, Younghyun.” Sungjin wraps his arms around Younghyun’s back.
Younghyun stares at the cake in front of him, twitching a fake smile. The candles burn, dripping wax onto the frosting. Sungjin and Wonpil push at him to blow them out before they ruin the cake. He closes his eyes.
The room feels so cold. It feels empty. Even if his best friends are here. Nothing will be the same. Nothing will replace the void in his soul.
He knows he needs to make a wish but the things he wants the most right now will never come true. Even if he can still hear the whispers and feel the touches. He knows it will never be real again. Is it warmth he wants? Is it happiness? It is to move on?
No-
He blows the candles out and looks at the two boys standing in front of him.
I wish I had peace..