Chapter Text
“I’m such an idiot… I thought that he was a good guy, I thought that...” Kentin trailed off, fighting back another series of sobs.
They were on Kentin’s bed with Nathaniel sitting upright against the headboard, holding the brunette close to his chest. Kentin cried on his shoulder. Cookie’s ears folded down. In commiseration, Cookie whined and set his head down on the rug from where he was curled up. Glancing up with his big sad eyes.
“I’m so stupid,” Kentin sniffled, gently rubbing Cookie on the head. Making a gesture with his hand flat down that had the puppy lying flat, not without making an audible sigh.
“Don’t say that about yourself, Ken,” Nathaniel kissed his temple. He slipped a hand free to take Kentin’s chin, turning him to face him. As their eyes met, Nathaniel shook his head and leaned in, pushing foreheads. "You would have found out who he really is. Sooner, later. Still, none of this is your fault. No matter how much you think it is, you couldn't have possibly known in time to stop it."
“But what about Candy? Shouldn’t we say something? If they all knew that I was friends with him,” Kentin swallowed, lowering his eyes.
“Oh Ken, I think this one is better to keep between us. Everyone is as upset as it is. We aren’t even supposed to know any of this, and if Leigh doesn’t want to press charges on Lysander’s behalf, there isn’t a lot for us to do.”
“It just seems so messed up to keep it a secret! But how did you find out? You weren’t anywhere near the gates when…” Kentin looked at Nathaniel, expecting his answer.
“Armin looked up the license plate.” Nathaniel grimaced, shaking his head again.
“He did what?” Kentin frowned.
“Remember when we were over for dinner? That’s why he pulled me to his room. He wanted me there with him to meet the driver,” Nathaniel sighed, relaxing his arms around Kentin as he slumped back against the pillows. Shame-faced. “That’s what happened with us after detention. It was a whole thing. I don’t know why I entertained it. I should have said something sooner.”
“Oh no.” Kentin muttered.
“What?” Nathaniel raised his brow, stroking at Kentin’s hair.
“It’s just… I don’t know for sure, but I think Loris might try to flee. The way that he acted tonight was so weird?” Kentin bit his lip.
“Weird how?” Nathaniel sat up straight.
“He tried to scare me. Said something about watching what I drank? I gave him the wrong coffee. I must have been so distracted. He had a bag of something. Some chalky stuff. I don't know. I guess I never had any clue what kind of person he is." Kentin laughed without humor, wiping the last of the tears from his face.
The back of Nathaniel's hand brushed his forehead, smoothing his touch from there to the pulse in his neck, inhaling his smell and glancing into his eyes, "Your pulse is fine, but you feel a little warm. Is your vision blurry? Is your heart racing too fast? Too loud?" He surveyed the brunette over, flickering between concern and warmth. He went to press his ear to Kentin's chest when the ex-cadet stopped him. His hands pushed at Nathaniel's shoulders, his whole face turning red.
"N-no, I'm okay... Um, but if my heart's racing, it's not because of anything else," Kentin mumbled, blushing a deeper shade of red. "It's because of you. You're here."
Nathaniel wanted to pull him in a little closer and kiss him. To make him forget that this night ever happened, but since they'd come through the front door, Kentin hadn't really touched him so much as he'd collapsed into him, sobbing. Nathaniel had carried him to his bed, held him, and as much as he craved to be as physically close to his boyfriend as possible, he couldn't ignore that Kentin needed him in a different way. His hands stayed to his sides as he observed Kentin's body language. The lowered eyes, hugging himself, cheeks red and mouth stiff, angled away from Nathaniel.
But his answer wasn't any less concerning either. Nathaniel hoped that his suspicion of Loris walking away unscathed wasn't to come true.
"He wasn't serious," Kentin admitted quietly, managing a half smile. "I'm just lightheaded. Think it's from all of my crying. All he wanted was to make a fool of me, Nath. That's it. I should have felt something by now, right?"
"Well, that depends on its class. Judging from his public service announcement, my guess is rope. Whether he was serious or not, your safety is far too important to brush aside. Especially with a person like that involved," Nathaniel whispered in quiet contempt. He kissed Kentin's cheek. "Tell me how you're really feeling."
"I promise that I'm okay," Kentin shook his head slowly, sliding his arms around Nathaniel. "I don't feel anything other than sick and sad. Pretty much the same old."
Nathaniel hugged him back. It stung a little bit, knowing that Kentin considered this to be regular. He had somehow hoped that their being in a relationship would have helped him to anticipate better days, but he'd also known better than anyone that it wasn't so easy. Not when his sister refused to make amends, caught in her own feelings most of the time. Not when there was Loris to reaffirm Kentin's doubt of genuine people existing that cared about him in a remotely positive way.
He couldn't help questioning if he was good enough for Ken.
"I think I've waited long enough, Ken," said Nathaniel quietly.
"Long enough for what, Nath?" Kentin looked up from his shoulder, surprised.
Nathaniel didn't miss how Kentin flinched when he'd touched his cheek, or the panic in his eyes when he'd said, "Don't you think it's time for you to tell me what happened? On that night?"
That terrible open house where Kentin sat in the gym, hearing his feelings being narrated by Amber to their classmates and their parents. Even at the vague mention of the night in question, Kentin's stomach coiled. The cold hollowness of being the ugliest outcast in the gym, thinking of walking into the traffic and changing his mind last minute, coming to the park - his safest place - and stumbling into Evan when he'd chosen to drink. Then Loris, swooping into the picture to alleviate him of that burden by acting as a tortured kindred spirit. How Loris lied to him even at the start?
And what about all the worry that Kentin had caused? His parents and the twins, and Nathaniel, too. Nathaniel's reaction was what Kentin had worried about the most, knowing that it would have made him or broken him. He had almost believed that he was immune from rejection, from being ostracized and ignored by teachers and classmates. That it wouldn't have mattered to him if they had all laughed about his journal, just as long as Nathaniel didn't shut him out. Didn't abandon him. He worried that Nathaniel would be disgusted, or amused by Kentin's desperation, laughing in his face as he would have said something like; No, I never liked you. I just felt sorry for you.
As Kentin relived the snapshots of that night, of thinking about telling Nathaniel about how cruel and selfish he had been, he untangled himself from Nathaniel's arms. He sat opposite, keeping his gaze lowered. Away from Nathaniel's eyes.
Nathaniel didn't press him, aware of Kentin's hesitation. He knew it wasn't the brunette thinking of a lie, rather trying to think of what to say when he would find the courage to speak it, wrestling with himself in admitting a mistake or two. Kentin would be worried what Nathaniel would think of him after. Probably.
Kentin slowly looked up.
"I wanted to tell you sooner. I planned on it... eventually. When we would be alone together, and I got carried away. I forgot. So, it was easy to keep pretending that it wasn't such a big deal. That I wouldn't have to tell you about how much of a jerk I am," Kentin swallowed.
"What do you mean?" asked Nathaniel, gently taking one of Kentin's hands in his.
"It's hard to remember some of it, but I went to a club. Caught up with an old friend, Evan. From military school. We were drinking, being loud. Annoying," Kentin sighed, avoiding Nathaniel's gaze. "I only remember being a part of some fights. Talking to some college girl. I almost lost my virginity to her. Sort of? In the toilets. Anyways, I met Loris there. The cop was with him, and he intervened when Evan tried to pick a fight. It was so weird. Seeing him again. I never thought he would be a cop."
At Nathaniel's silence, the brunette frowned, searching his face for some kind of reaction. Had Kentin crossed the line? Would this be where Nathaniel had lost any attraction for him? Would he pull away little by little, or break up with him here? Kentin's heart started to race, a tightness in his throat.
"Why were you worried about telling me any of this? I don't get it," Nathaniel finally stated, relieving Kentin of any more torturous ideas. "I almost expected worse than this from all that hesitation."
Kentin blushed, feeling both guilty and stupid.
“I’m just scared of letting you down.” He admitted, meeting Nathaniel's golden-brown eyes.
"You didn't. And for the record?" Nathaniel stroked at Kentin's hair, smiling when he leaned into his touch. "I'm happy that nothing happened. You weren't in the proper state to do something like that. Not with anyone. Okay?"
“O-okay… I’m sorry, I wasn’t really thinking about it,” Kentin blushed a deeper shade of red, lowering his eyes in shame again as Nathaniel stole a kiss from the corner of his lips.
“Something could have happened to you. What about your friend? Were they watching out for you? What else happened that night?” asked Nathaniel.
"Oh, um, not much else. Evan and I fell out, so Loris checked on me. He gave me his number," Kentin laughed, eyes brimming again. "I don't know. I guess he wanted me to tell him that I made it home okay, and we talked from there. On and off. I even mentioned you to him... a bit, I'm sorry."
"You're sorry about talking about a crush?" asked Nathaniel, amused.
“When you say it like that…” Kentin mumbled, his face buried on Nathaniel's shoulder, trying to hide his tears.
Nathaniel felt the growing dampness on his shoulder, gently dipping Kentin down on his bed. He propped himself over him, looking down at that tear streaming face with the freckles on pink cheeks, and those bright green eyes, so full of anguish and despair. Nathaniel kissed Kentin's cheek.
"I'm not upset. If there's anything for me to be upset at, it's at myself. I should have looked out for you that night. I hate that I didn't do all that I could to know that you were okay," Nathaniel murmured, wrapping his arms back around his boyfriend.
"Don't start with that," Kentin sighed, closing his eyes. He steadied his voice, "You were dealing with a lot, P. I wouldn't have let you. I felt so guilty about everything. It didn't feel important enough to burden anyone else with, but it felt so horrible that I thought it would just be better if... if I... Um, can't say it. I can't... say it."
Kentin sighed slowly, tears brimming in his eyes as he shook his head. Mumbling his protests.
Nathaniel's heart clenched. He thumbed at Kentin's tears, kissing some of them away as he breathed with Kentin. They carried on like that, breathing together as they held on for the other like a lifeline, Nathaniel adding in a hushed whisper, "It's okay, Ken. You can tell me."
"I thought that if I let you in too close, knowing how I felt, what I wrote about you... I just assumed that you wouldn't want to see me again." Kentin declared in a steadier voice. He flicked his eyes to Nathaniel's.
“Why?” asked Nathaniel softly, cupping Kentin’s face.
Like this, Kentin had almost forgotten the place where loneliness hardens, the lonely black pit where anger and hate brewed. It's something for you to keep, makes you stronger, Evan had said. But was that the truth? Kentin didn't want to believe in that anymore. Not when he had Nathaniel so close to him. Happy, in love, but why couldn't he forget how it used to be when he wasn't? With graduation coming, the question of their future still unanswered.
“I thought that if you knew how I felt, you would hate me. I was scared that it would change everything, that I would lose you. The only friend that saw me.” Kentin swallowed, forcing a sad smile as he blinked at the sting in his eyes. He hung his head down, laughing quietly, "I don't want to lose you, Nathaniel."
"You know, you are so much more than what anyone has made you believe in the past," said Nathaniel, gripping his chin as he leaned in for a kiss. "I had been cold and indifferent to you. Do you remember? But you were nothing but kind to me when you saw that I needed it. In the toilets."
"How can I forget?" Kentin laughed quietly, slipping a hand to the back of Nathaniel's neck, holding him there. "Our special place."
"Our banned special place, but yes. We pay tribute to it in bringing us together like this," Nathaniel kissed him again. "And I want you to know that I would be happy with you anywhere, Ken. I love you."
"...I love you, too." Kentin laughed, tears falling again. He kissed Nathaniel back vigorously, closing his eyes. The passionate kiss developed further, tongues sliding into mouths as fingers tangled in hair. Nathaniel finally broke away, his hair disheveled and mouth hanging open.
Kentin gasped for some breath, gazing at the student president. Waiting.
"I want to keep this going. I really do, but it's a school night, Ken," Nathaniel confessed, laughing quietly. He stole a chaste kiss, slumping next to Kentin on the bed.
"You're a buzzkill, P." Kentin laughed, turning to look at him and smile.
"Don't worry, I'll make it up to you. A date? After school tomorrow?" asked Nathaniel, reaching to take his hand in his. Squeezing tight.
"I like the sound of that. I can barely wait," Kentin rested his head on Nathaniel's shoulder. "I won't tell anyone."
"I know. Goodnight, mon deuce." Nathaniel kissed his hair.
"Goodnight." Kentin murmured in response, still holding his hand and closing his eyes.
Nathaniel watched him fall asleep next to him. He listened as Kentin's breathing evened out, Cookie snoring loudly from below them. As envious as Nathaniel was that they were both fast asleep, he couldn't stop thinking about Kirouac. Being there at the club. Failing to intervene on Kentin's drinking and fighting. Had he checked for himself that Kentin had made it home safely from the club?
What about Loris nonchalantly mentioning Kirouac working Nathaniel's case at the cafe?
Dread and suspicion pulsed through him as he stared at the ceiling.
♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪
Nathaniel told him not to say anything, but facing their friends and swallowing back the words, was hard. He was feeling responsible for the whole ordeal when he knew that he shouldn't. He didn't drive the car, Loris did. What good would it have done to tell them? To rekindle their anger and wrath? The sense of betrayal and shock? He was too acute of his heartbeat. His breathing. It was even harder to keep a sense of control when your even-keeled boyfriend disappeared to perform student council duties. Why did Kentin have to be friends with some of the snoopiest people in school?
There was no way for him to be able to have lunch with them without cracking. He needed a moment to breathe. He went to the toilets. As the door slid shut behind him, he went to the sink, washing his hands. He ignored the flash of a petulant smirk in the mirror, not wanting to look up from the basin. He inhaled and exhaled slowly, closing his eyes as he concentrated on his breathing.
Nath’s taking me out soon. All I have to do is stay quiet. Get through the day.
He could see Candy's face from that day; the raw anguish on her face as she burst into tears, unable to breathe from the crying and sobbing as they pulled Lysander on a stretcher. Everyone else looked on in a mix of shock and disbelief. Saying nothing.
He splashed cold water on his face, grabbing towel sheets to pat himself dry. He'd been so careless in splashing his face that he grabbed more sheets, clamping them around his wet hair as Alexy came in.
“Kenny! You always hide in here!” Alexy grinned, pausing next to him as he caught how defeated and pale Kentin must have looked. The brunette avoided the mirror, “Ken? You okay? You know lunch started five minutes ago, right? We’re at the courtyard!”
“I know. I was just washing my hands.” Kentin smiled.
“And are your bangs usually that wet when you do that?” Alexy raised a brow, hoisting himself to sit on the sink counter.
“I actually haven’t yet,” Kentin lied, turning away from him to wash his hands for the second time. Feeling Alexy’s gaze on him.
Alexy was too observant sometimes. Add to that his penchant for meddling and melodrama, Kentin wasn’t certain he would come out the bathroom unscathed. He didn’t know if he could keep the unbearable truths to himself; Lysander’s accident, Armin, Loris. All while the shopaholic carried his torch, something that Kentin was all too painfully aware of.
Something he tried to pretend wasn’t there.
“I won’t push,” Alexy sighed, fiddling with the cord of his headphones. Turning down his music. “So, you’re still in, right? For the party?”
“Party? You said that it was only an idea in the works. Isn’t Lysander still like–” Kentin began, confused and hasty, tripping over his breathing.
“But Kenny! That’s the best part!” Alexy slid down the counter, snatched Kentin by his shoulders and beamed, “Candy just told us that she visited Lysander last night to give him his notebook back, and they scared each other! He knew her name! He’s going to know her again! Isn’t that great?”
“Really? He remembered just like that?” Kentin blinked.
“I know! It’s about time we had some good news! It sounds like he’ll be discharged before the end of the week, so that party kind of needs to happen. Like, soon.” Alexy grinned, squeezing his shoulders.
“But you still have no idea where you wanted to have it,” Kentin laughed, managing to relax against Alexy’s somewhat infectious excitement. “That’s kind of important. Besides, what if Lysander’s overwhelmed by the party, and we’re back at square one–”
“Blah, blah, blah! I’m hearing excuses! You can’t back out of your own idea!” Alexy complained, dropping his hands from Kentin’s shoulders to cross them over his chest. He arched a brow, frowning at the brunette.
“First off, it wasn’t my idea. It was yours,” Kentin scoffed, turning back away to wash his hands. “And secondly–”
“Kenny, why are you washing your hands again?”
“I didn’t scrub them for twenty seconds. Secondly – you don’t have a place to host it with the amount of people you guys wanted to invite, and–”
“Actually, if you had let me finish, I would have told you that we’re hosting it at Iris’s, and I want to tell Candy about it before we leaveeee. Please, Ken? We all need this,” Alexy paused, touching Kentin’s shoulder again. “I don’t want to do this without you! Please, I’ve already been deserted by Armin and Castiel. Not you too!”
Ken dried his hands, meeting Alexy's pouty expression and teary eyes. He was putting on.
"Iris's?" He asked.
"Yeah! Will you help us set it up or not?" Alexy demanded, pouting more.
He wouldn't tell anyone about Loris. As much as he didn't want to keep a secret from Alexy about his own brother, he couldn't think of what to say that wouldn't involve the truth. And could Alexy handle any more bad news? How much of Alexy's good cheer and smiles were faked?
He could never admit when something was wrong with him, wanting to take care of everyone else like Candy. But then, not many of their classmates had handled the incident any better. Castiel had been isolating himself more than ever before. Just that morning in lab, Peggy had seemed even more prickly than usual. Kentin couldn't help wondering.
"Look, not to completely change the subject or anything, because we're doing the party, but did Armin break up with Peggy? Or something? She was weird today."
"Don't get me started on that, Ken," Alexy groaned, sighing in exasperation. He shook his head, "I'm pretty sure that he did. He's being an ass about it anytime that I ask."
“Seriously? What happened?” Ken raised his brow.
“Your guess is as good as mine.” Alexy shrugged, smiling ruefully as he slid an arm around Kentin, walking him out, “So! Let's tell them about the party!"
♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪
“Thanks for watching White on such short notice. I don’t know what I would have done with myself if she didn’t get her breakfast.” said Nathaniel. He sat in a chair at the student council table, going over some papers.
Castiel sat two chairs down from him, pale-faced with dark circles under his eyes. There were fresh-red marks on his fists from being scratched. A greasy brown bag of McD’s in front of him. He rubbed his hands over his face and sighed, “Sure, man. Consider it my one good deed of the year for you.”
“I’m serious, Castiel. Thank you.” Nathaniel looked up from his papers.
“Look, don’t mention it. Alright? Your cat’s mean,” Castiel grumbled, petulantly snagging the breakfast muffin from the bag.
“Something about you must have set her off,” Nathaniel chuckled, grinning until Castiel held the muffin in front of him. He frowned. “No thanks. No nutritional value. And you know I don’t like meat. I'm pescatarian.”
“One of those is false.” Castiel smirked.
“Oh, grow up,” Nathaniel scoffed, “But while I have you here, I want to talk about the absences.”
Castiel groaned, scowling at him. Sooner than Nathaniel could have broken into a lecture about the importance of attendance and graduating, the door opened, revealing Shermansky and Officer Adélard Kirouac.
"Nathaniel? I hate to intrude on you, but Officer Kirouac has come by to see you." She said, smiling wearily, looking confused. Weary, alarmed.
“Good afternoon, boys,” Adélard nodded in Castiel’s direction, turning to Nathaniel as he flashed a grin, “No worries. I don't intend to keep you away for too long. Would you come with me, Nathaniel?"