Chapter Text
The next morning, Baekhyun wakes up to Chanyeol carefully extracting himself from Baekhyun's arms. He keeps his eyes closed and pretends he's still sleeping, listening to Chanyeol pad across the room to the bathroom. He expects Chanyeol to come back to bed, but instead he hears the sounds of him rummaging around in his bag and then head downstairs. Baekhyun blinks open his eyes, still a little bleary, and looks over only to find he's really alone.
It's silly, he thinks, but it feels like Chanyeol's snuck out as if what they'd done last night was just a one night stand. How could it be a one night stand when Chanyeol is just downstairs? Baekhyun keeps listening for any movement, but there's nothing but silence, not even the sounds of Chanyeol making coffee.
Baekhyun is a little uneasy and crawls out of bed after a few minutes, throwing on just a pair of boxers before making his way down too. It's a bit chilly and he regrets not grabbing more clothes. He rubs his arms absently and finds Chanyeol sitting in the breakfast nook, staring out the window with his head pillowed on his arms. Baekhyun says his name quietly, his heart beating fast in that second it takes for Chanyeol to look at him.
"Hey," Baekhyun says, stopping a couple steps away. "You couldn't sleep?"
Chanyeol shrugs slightly and sits up, holding his hand out for Baekhyun to join him. As much as he hates it, relief washes over Baekhyun and he slides in next to Chanyeol, curling up against his side the same way Chanyeol did to him last night.
"How come you didn't stay in bed?"
"Had to use the bathroom and didn't want to wake you."
"I wouldn't have minded," Baekhyun says, kissing Chanyeol's collarbone. "Would've been nice to cuddle for a while."
Chanyeol squeezes Baekhyun's shoulders. "Guess we can do that right now."
No matter how Baekhyun looks at it, Chanyeol is definitely acting off. He sits up and stops short of meeting Chanyeol's eyes. "Did I do something wrong?"
"What?" Chanyeol says, his surprise coming off genuine.
"Something's bothering you, I can tell. Anyone probably could. You know you're bad at acting when it's not in front of the camera."
Chanyeol sighs and drags his hand through his hair, looking out the window again. "Yeah, I figured you'd notice."
"Last night was good, you said."
"It was," Chanyeol says, staring down at the table. "I don't want you to think you hurt me or made me uncomfortable. I mean it when I say it was amazing." He laughs dryly. "I mean, you made cry from how good it was."
"But?" Baekhyun isn't sure there's any continuation of Chanyeol's words that isn't going to be bad.
"All those feelings, being vulnerable, it made me realize some things about me and us but I also realized maybe you didn't feel the same and I — I'm not handling it very well, I guess."
"What do you mean? We're dating."
The way Chanyeol looks at Baekhyun is...sad? Resigned? Baekhyun feels sick. "Come on, hyung," Chanyeol says, his voice shaking a little. "Please don't play dumb. You know what I'm trying to say."
Baekhyun does and he wishes he didn't. He takes Chanyeol's hand and squeezes it tight, wants it to be comforting, but Chanyeol's expression just grows more ashen. "This is your first relationship with another man," he says, and that's all he gets out because Chanyeol tears his hand away and covers his face, taking a deep, uneven breath. "I'm not saying your feelings aren't real, I just. Don't want you to." He trails off, not really having anything good to say.
"Don't want me to what?" Chanyeol says, his eyes noticeably wet, but he's not crying yet, though Baekhyun feels like he's being stabbed through the chest anyway. "I could tell too, you know. This whole weekend you've been acting weird and I don't even know if you want to be here or not."
Baekhyun is stunned. At the very least, he thought he was making it clear that he wanted to be here with Chanyeol. "Of course I do."
"Then why do you keep pulling away every time we get a little bit close! So many times this weekend there were these moments where you'd look at me the way I want you to look at me, but it was like the second you realized you were doing it, you'd shut it down. Why? How am I supposed to take that?"
Baekhyun doesn't know how to answer that. There is an answer, it's just the one he's spent all weekend chickening out on giving. Right now, when there's nothing more important than just telling the truth, Baekhyun is at his most cowardly. All he can do is sit there, mouth parted like an idiot, each passing second clearly hurting Chanyeol more and more.
"You're good at talking about everything except how you really feel," Chanyeol says, and that hits Baekhyun harder than he wants. "Sleeping together, how angry you are at how I'm treated at work, that's all fine, but this, me just trying to get a crumb of how you feel about me, it's impossible."
"We've been seeing each other for barely two months," Baekhyun says, and the moment the words come out of his mouth he knows they're the wrong ones to say, but he can't stop it, even when Chanyeol's eyes flash with hurt. "How can anyone know how they really feel this early on? Sometimes sex amplifies everything, you know? Then when everything passes you realize what you felt wasn't actually that deep."
"Fuck, I know I'm younger than you, but I'm not actually a child," Chanyeol says, angry now, but underneath it all still sad and Baekhyun just wants this to stop. He doesn't want Chanyeol to ever be anything but happy, that if anything should upset him, Baekhyun would be the one making it better. He isn't supposed to be the cause of Chanyeol looking and sounding this way. "I know how to recognize what I feel. I'm not under some disillusionment because you happened to fuck me really good and I can't believe you'd even say those things to me."
Baekhyun stands up suddenly, his flight instinct kicking in with how much anxiety this is giving him. "Look, maybe we should talk about this later."
"Why? What's the difference between now and later? You're just avoiding it all again."
"I'm not avoiding — I just think we should talk about this when you're calmer."
"Oh my god!"
Baekhyun winces, wringing his hands. "I'm sorry, fuck, that wasn't what I meant." Was it really just the other night he looked at Chanyeol and allowed himself to have hope that they could work out when he's this much of a mess? "It's me, I need to just. I need to think."
"Think about what? I just want to know what you're so scared of. It's fine if we're not at the same exact place yet, but I can tell if I even think the words, you'd spook and run away."
Baekhyun is scared of how much he comes up short in every single way when it comes to Chanyeol. Chanyeol, who is just doing his best surrounded by people and circumstances who want him to be someone else. Chanyeol, who had the misfortune of being there that night and crossing paths with Baekhyun.
"I'm not — I'm just trying to reason."
Chanyeol rubs his eyes and Baekhyun can see it happen, the way Chanyeol starts to shut down and close everything off. It's a terrible thing to watch and Baekhyun knows he's the reason why it's happening and knows he can also stop it. But he doesn't. He watches Chanyeol's face go blank, maybe even a little defensive, and the finality in his movements when he gets out and passes by Baekhyun with a toneless, "I'm going to make coffee."
"Chanyeol," Baekhyun says, stopping himself last second from grabbing Chanyeol's shirt.
"You don't want to talk about it," Chanyeol says, terse. "So we won't." While he fills the coffee machine, he says, "I have a meeting with my manager this afternoon, so we have to leave at noon."
In Baekhyun's head, he imagines going over to Chanyeol and pouring out his heart. He imagines telling Chanyeol exactly how hard he's fallen and how Chanyeol's happiness and well-being fills up so much of his thoughts every single day. In his head, he tells Chanyeol everything he wants to hear and more and exposes himself as the one who should be scared Chanyeol will spook.
But he doesn't. He remains a coward and hates himself and says a quiet, "Okay," and slinks off upstairs again. He goes through the motions of grabbing some clothes to take a shower, but before he steps into the bathroom he hears it, as clear as day, the sound of Chanyeol crying. It has him frozen at the top of the steps. If there's any moment for him to go to Chanyeol it's right now, but when he moves, it's to head into the bathroom and close the door behind him, to turn the shower on until he can't hear anything but the water echoing off the walls.
They don't say more than ten words to each other between packing up and the drive back to Seoul. It's the most painful few hours Baekhyun's ever experienced. There's nothing Baekhyun hates more than this kind of silence, but the longer it goes on, the harder it is for him to break it. In the car, Chanyeol stares straight ahead and drives with both hands on the wheel.
Baekhyun doesn't know what this fight means. Has he messed up enough that Chanyeol wants to break up him? Have they already broken up? He doesn't want to ask because he's afraid of the answer. Even worse, he doesn't know which answer he even wants.
When they pull up to Baekhyun's apartment, he doesn't get out right away. Never go to bed angry, his mom always told him. If he gets out now without a word, he doesn't know when he'll see Chanyeol again.
"Do you want to come up?" Baekhyun says, his throat dry from not using it all day.
"I have to go see Minseok."
"Just for five minutes," Baekhyun says, gripping Chanyeol's sleeve. "Don't leave upset."
For a second, Chanyeol's face softens and he nods, turning off the car. Baekhyun smiles in relief and steps out, grabbing his stuff out of the back, but he's also nervous. He doesn't know what he should say, but he's the one who invited Chanyeol up.
His studio is right as he left it, a little messy the way it always is, the cereal bowl he left in the sink two mornings ago waiting to be washed.
Chanyeol lingers in the entryway, hands in the pockets of his denim jacket. Baekhyun sets his bag on the floor by his bed and mirrors Chanyeol's pose when he turns around. They almost seem like strangers forced to occupy the same room. He hates it and takes the few steps to close the distance between them, slipping his arms around Chanyeol and hugging him tightly.
"I'm sorry," Baekhyun says quietly, closing his eyes and pressing his face in Chanyeol's t-shirt.
"For what?" Chanyeol says, not returning the hug, but he doesn't push Baekhyun away either.
Baekhyun doesn't answer right away, because he isn't sure and Chanyeol knows it immediately. He's sorry Chanyeol is upset, but that's a terrible reason that will only anger Chanyeol more.
"Hyung, if you're not ready for this conversation, then I'm gonna go." Chanyeol places his hands on Baekhyun's shoulders and pushes them apart gently. "Call me when you figure it out." He turns to go, but Baekhyun grabs his hand in both of his, holding on tightly. Chanyeol looks down and sighs. "Hyung, please."
Baekhyun's gotten by half his life on his instinct. It was gut feel that told him to sit next to Jongdae in the cafeteria at university. It's his instinct that tells him to write articles at work about obscure topics which end up getting the most hits during the month. He has this awful, lead in his stomach feeling that if Chanyeol walks out the door like this, Baekhyun is never going to see him again.
"I'm not breaking up with you," Chanyeol says, twisting his hand out of Baekhyun's grip. "If you need time to figure things out, that's fine. I'll be here."
"Promise," Baekhyun says, sounding like a child he's sure of it, but he wants to hear it from Chanyeol anyway.
Chanyeol sighs, a little like he feels sorry for Baekhyun. "Okay. I promise."
It's the best Baekhyun's going to get, so he nods and stays rooted where he is watching Chanyeol leave with a quiet goodbye. He listens to Chanyeol go down the steps and get in his car. Only when the sounds of him driving off fade away does Baekhyun move and only to call Jongdae.
"Can you come over?" he says the moment Jongdae answers. "I really messed up."
Jongdae shows up fifteen minutes later with small plastic bags filled with street food he picked up along the way. He is someone else who Baekhyun probably does not deserve.
Baekhyun changes into an old t-shirt and lounge pants and they curl up on his futon, trays of ddeokbokki and sundae in front of them, accompanied by the cheap beer Baekhyun keeps stocked in his fridge.
Jongdae doesn't ask what's wrong. He sits there watching Baekhyun stuff his face for a couple minutes until the words come tumbling out.
"I'm in love with him," Baekhyun says, cradling a can of beer to his chest. "He thinks we met by chance and that I work at some publishing company doing boring research for people's shitty novels."
"Why can't you just tell him the truth?"
"Telling the truth when we first started dating would've been the right thing to do," Baekhyun says, tugging the tab on his can back and forth until it snaps off. "Confessing now would be, I don't know."
"Would be what?" Jongdae says, setting his beer down a little too hard. "You do this, you know. For as long as I've known you, you get so insecure about yourself when it matters. Applying to the jobs you want, submitting freelance pieces, telling the famous hot actor you've fallen for what you really do, you always find a reason why you can't."
Baekhyun frowns, but this is why Jongdae is a good friend, even though he sometimes ends up feeling worse. "This isn't insecurity. I'm no good for him."
"Oh, fuck off," Jongdae says, with no remorse. "Are you really going to try that bullshit on me?"
"You're the one who won't even give me gossip because that's how much you like your job," Baekhyun says, biting his lip. "How am I going to live with myself if it ever gets out that Park Chanyeol is not only dating some man, but that it's me. I see the shit people write just on our stupid tabloid site. His career would be over."
"His career would probably be over even if he was dating the most sought after bachelor in the country."
Baekhyun drops his head against his knees. "He's just, so good. I'm never going to feel like I'm doing enough."
"Tell him that instead of me," Jongdae says, providing some comfort against his biting words earlier by petting Baekhyun's hair. "If he's so good, he'll forgive you for keeping secrets and he'll tell you you're enough."
Baekhyun knows Chanyeol would do exactly that, but it still doesn't mean he thinks he deserves it. He looks over and gives Jongdae a pathetic smile. "Can you believe at the beginning I thought maybe I could teach him something about being in a relationship? How to avoid all the typical mistakes and pitfalls. Turns out he's the one showing me. I haven't learned anything from my past fuck ups."
Baekhyun expects Jongdae to yell at him some more about being so self-deprecating, but there's none of that, only Jongdae looking at him pitifully. Maybe that's worse. "You always want to see the best in people," Jongdae says, leaving his hand pressed to the back of Baekhyun's neck. "Even when you date objectively terrible men, you still won't badmouth them years later."
Baekhyun tips his body over and cuddles into Jongdae's side. "Chanyeol isn't terrible though. He's good and takes care of me and I want to stay with him."
"Then tell him."
Baekhyun sighs and nods. "I can be brave."
"You can be brave, Byun Baekhyun."
It's not much, but it sparks enough hope in Baekhyun that things will work out.
Two days pass without any contact from Chanyeol. It's not that weird, given their last conversation, but Baekhyun is Baekhyun and he misses the attention and affection Chanyeol gave him. He sends a couple of messages to Chanyeol, but they go unread and okay, that's a little worrying, but he also doesn't know where Chanyeol is this week or what he's been doing.
Wednesday rolls around and Baekhyun's just gotten home. He's beat and wants to sleep for fifteen years but his stomach is grumbling and he thinks about what little he has in his kitchen. Usually he'd text Chanyeol and whine about how hungry he is and that Chanyeol should come over and make him something. And most of the time, he would. He doesn't feel comfortable doing that tonight though it's the first time he's wanted to so desperately.
He's almost dozed off when someone rings his doorbell aggressively. He jerks to attention and stares in confusion at the door, like perhaps he hallucinated it ringing, but whoever is there starts banging with their fist when Baekhyun doesn't respond fast enough.
"I'm coming," he says, then grumbles under his breath. It sounds like some grumpy old man coming to complain about too much noise.
It's the opposite of an old man standing at his doorstep, but he definitely looks angry. The guy looks about Baekhyun's age and the same height as him, but the anger exuding from him makes Baekhyun want to cower a little.
"Byun Baekhyun?" he says, voice sharp and clipped.
"Uh, yeah. That's me."
"I'm Chanyeol's manager, can I come in?" he says, but pushes past Baekhyun without waiting for an answer. Which, okay.
"Oh. Minseok, right?"
Minseok makes a noise that Baekhyun supposes is acknowledgement as he glances around Baekhyun's apartment. He seems to make a face at the stack of dirty dishes in the sink, but it happens so fast that Baekhyun doesn't know if he imagined it. It occurs to Baekhyun then that there's no reason for Minseok to be here unless...unless Chanyeol told him about Baekhyun. But something big like that, Chanyeol wouldn't have just let it slip his mind.
"I'll just get to it," Minseok says, handing Baekhyun an envelope. "You need to sign this."
Baekhyun takes it hesitantly. "What is…?
"An agreement stating you will cease all communication of any sort with Chanyeol and that if you release any information about him you will be liable for damages starting at a billion won."
Baekhyun nearly drops the envelope, staring at it. "What?"
"Chanyeol told me about you last week. It's standard procedure in our industry to perform background checks on anyone we don't know. I will say I'm surprised you didn't do anything to hide where you work."
Baekhyun's stomach drops. His pulse is loud in his ears as Minseok goes on.
"If you were going to pull a stunt like this, I would've expected you to at least fake the end of your employment at Shutter. You guys will do anything for a story, won't you? I can't remember how many cease and desists agencies have had to send you guys."
"No, I — I didn't. I'm not dating Chanyeol for a story. I hate that place. I've been wanting to quit for months."
Minseok's stony expression doesn't even budge. "Yeah, you just happened to find Chanyeol that day, right? A neighborhood on the other side of the city from where you live, where none of your friends and family are. Don't tell me you were there looking to buy a place." Minseok looks around the studio again, snorting. "Would've been a bit too much of a jump, don't you think?"
Baekhyun opens his mouth, but nothing comes out and that slip up is enough. Minseok's eyes narrow and Baekhyun instantly feels so small. "It looks bad, I know, but I swear—"
"Don't. I've been Chanyeol's manager from beginning, right before he debuted. I know that kid in and out and how much he tries to stay a good person in an industry that's sometimes disgustingly shitty to him. I don't think I've hated anything more than having to tell him who you really are."
"No, please, just let me explain," Baekhyun says, taking a step forward, the thought of how humiliated Chanyeol had probably been making him desperate. But Minseok stops him by snatching the envelope out of his hand, wrinkled from how hard Baekhyun had been holding onto it, and takes the papers out.
"Sign. Right now."
"Just let me explain—"
"I don't care!" Minseok says, getting in Baekhyun's face. "I do not care about a single fucking thing you have to say and I hate having to even stand in the same place as the person who was sociopathic enough to manipulate someone like Chanyeol. You don't deserve to say a goddamn thing. You get to shut up and agree to never show yourself in front of him again so I don't have to stand here for another fucking second."
Baekhyun's eyes won't lift from the floor. Each word out of Minseok's mouth is like a needle in him and in the end Baekhyun can't even disagree with any of it. Maybe the only thing he regrets is getting caught like this where he couldn't even offer Chanyeol an apology.
"I'll get a pen," Baekhyun says, hollow, but Minseok pulls one out and shoves it into his hand. He barely pays attention to what he's doing, scribbling his name on the line without reading a single word.
Minseok folds the papers up and takes his pen, heading for the door immediately.
"None of it was fake," Baekhyun says, making Minseok pause with one foot over the threshold. "Please just don't let him think it was."
For a second, Minseok lingers and stares at him, unreadable, but it passes just as quick and Baekhyun is left staring at his door swinging shut. Then it's just him, alone in the stifling silence, filled with regret at all the things he wasn't brave enough to say when he had all the time in the world to say them.
Baekhyun calls in sick the rest of the week. He spends the days in his pajamas and getting fast food delivered and binge watching anime. The only light he turns on is when he uses the bathroom. He's a stereotypical pathetic sight, the only thing missing is crying over a tub of ice cream, but he can feel himself getting to that point soon.
Crying is the one thing he hasn't done. It's weird because he knows he's upset, but somehow it hasn't hit him like that. Sometimes between when he answers the door for delivery and the three steps back to his messy futon he just stops in the middle of the room like he's forgotten where he is or what he's doing, and it's those moments he gets the closest to wrapping his head around the reality that he got dumped through a legal document, but he always avoids dealing with it at the last minute, burying himself in the blanket fort he's built and hitting play on the next episode of whatever he's watching.
The sun's just gone down on Saturday when someone knocks on his door. Baekhyun doesn't remember ordering delivery, but he's also been pretty out of it. When he answers, it's another unexpected face, but much better than Minseok's.
"You look terrible," is what Sehun says, stepping into Baekhyun's studio. His outfit is surprisingly put together, a black button down with the sleeves rolled up, tucked into a pair of pressed grey slacks. His shoes look designer. If the face didn't belong to Sehun, Baekhyun wouldn't have recognized him at all. He stops between the TV and futon, staring at the pile of empty snack bags and cans of beer on the coffee table.
Baekhyun at least knows enough to be embarrassed. He grabs a plastic bag discarded on the floor and cleans up a bit, at least enough so that Sehun wouldn't be sitting in filth. "I did call in sick."
"But you sound fine."
"I'm not that kind of sick."
Sehun hums and stands there with his hands in his pockets, looking altogether too casual and cool. "Right. The heartbroken kind of sick."
Baekhyun falters and forces a laugh. "What are you talking about?" he says, coughing a few times. "I just have a 72-hour bug."
Sehun sighs. "I know about Chanyeol," he says, going over to the kitchen to grab himself a beer from the fridge. "Including that Minseok-hyung visited you the other day and now you're suddenly 'sick'."
"Hyung?"
"We've worked with each other a bit,” Sehun says, popping the can open and sitting on Baekhyun's futon. Just like Chanyeol, his legs are so long that his knees are practically at his chest. "I referred him to the agency he's at now."
Baekhyun sits down gingerly on the other end of the futon, staring at Sehun like he could sprout another head at any moment. "Who are you?"
"Sehun the intern."
Baekhyun frowns. "Fine, don't tell me."
Sehun slouches even further and rests his head back, staring at the ceiling. "I am an intern," he says, looking over at Baekhyun. "But my dad also runs the company that owns our prestigious publication."
Their parent company was one of the top ten largest conglomerates in Korea. Baekhyun takes another long look at Sehun. This time, he sees that the outfit he's wearing is all designer clothes too, the watch on his wrist definitely sporting a diamond or two.
"You're part of the same Oh family which owns XO Inc.," Baekhyun says, somewhere between a question and statement. It says something about how badly he's taking the breakup that he barely shows any reaction. Pre-breakup Baekhyun would probably be freaking out right about now.
"That's us."
"And you're pretending to be an intern because..."
"Because when we did a full audit of the company's holdings, we saw that this publication was down year over year and I've been asked to give an assessment on if the place is salvageable or should just be shut down."
Baekhyun sighs, rubbing his eyes. "So you're here to fire me. I guess I appreciate that it's not another paper notice."
That seems to catch Sehun off guard, his expression faltering and suddenly he looks every bit the 24 years old he actually is. "What? Hyung, no."
"Is everyone getting let go or just me? You said you found out about Chanyeol. I guess I'm a liability for the company too."
"Oh my god, could you drop the martyr act?" Sehun's face fixes back into his standard look of vague annoyance. "I'm not here to fire you. I'm here to make sure you're doing okay."
"Now I'm confused."
Sehun rolls his eyes. "I don't have lunch with you for appearances, hyung. I actually think your presence is, you know."
Baekhyun tilts his head, mouth twisted to the side, waiting.
"Oh my god, because I don't mind you as a person," Sehun says, the words awkward in that way where it's clear they're not used very much. "You're my hyung."
It clicks in Baekhyun's head finally what Sehun is trying to say and he laughs for the first time in days. "You mean you like me. We're friends."
"Okay, tone it down," Sehun says, but he smiles a little.
Baekhyun draws his knees up and hugs them. "Who told you about Chanyeol?"
"No one," Sehun says, shrugging. "I saw Chanyeol's name pop up on your phone a few times. If you're going to date a celebrity, maybe give him a nickname?"
Baekhyun scowls. "There are plenty of non-famous people named Chanyeol."
"But I asked the famous one if he knew someone named Baekhyun."
"You know each other?"
"We're friends," Sehun says, like Baekhyun should've guessed. "He held a fansign at one of our malls and Minseok-hyung introduced us."
Just the mention of Minseok's name had Baekhyun wincing. "How come you didn't tell him where I worked?"
"I thought he knew. I was ready to warn him about you at the beginning, but you had already dropped the assignment and didn't even bring it up again with your boss — which, by the way, that asshole is definitely getting fired. And whoever was stupid enough to hire him." Sehun pauses to actually drink his beer, but makes a face of disgust. "This tastes awful."
Baekhyun huffs. "Sorry some of us don't make millions of dollars per day and have to buy cheap beer."
Sehun ignores him. "Anyway, I figured if you were doing a story, you would for sure tell me. But you didn't say anything and eventually started to look, I don't know, happy? Giddy for sure, and you kept messaging someone on your phone so the next time we had lunch, I got nosy and read your notifications."
"You're shameless."
"I'm resourceful," Sehun says, taking another sip and making the exact same face as last time. "Seriously, how do you drink this?"
"You know what," Baekhyun says, taking the beer from Sehun. "You don't deserve this."
Sehun doesn't bat an eyelash and takes a bag of chips from the coffee table, munching on that instead. "Anyway, Chanyeol called me the other day and asked about where you worked. Didn't seem happy when I told him."
Baekhyun sighs and drops his head against the back of the futon. "He probably thought Minseok was lying to him about me. But he wasn't. I was the one lying."
"Why are you letting them think you're some lowlife who wanted to use Chanyeol to get a story?"
"Because that's exactly what I was going to do!" Baekhyun says, refusing to meet Sehun's eyes. "Didn't they tell you what I did to meet him? I basically stalked where he lived."
"Yeah, that part was kind of cringey."
Baekhyun picks at the little cotton pills on his pants. "Maybe I would've had a chance of I had come clean the very first date," he says, shrugging pathetically. "But I didn't and I got caught."
"And? That's it? You're not going to beg for forgiveness? You're just going to mope forever?"
"Yeah, I am," Baekhyun says, frowning. "I already signed a restraining order anyway."
"What?"
"Minseok made me sign some agreement. I can't go near Chanyeol or talk to him unless I want to get sued for more than the value of my life. It's whatever. It's probably best for Chanyeol anyway."
"You're really just going to let it end like this."
"Stop talking about it like I'm making a huge mistake! Like I'm, I don't know, letting go of my soulmate or the great love of my life! We dated for two months, that's it. So just let me mope for a few days and leave it alone. I'll be fine."
Sehun stares at him in silence, making Baekhyun squirm, and he chugs the beer Sehun couldn't finish but since it's practically water it doesn't really help with the nerves. "You're an idiot, hyung, I hope you know that."
Baekhyun does and grabs the remote, hitting play on the show he was watching. It's an episode he's already seen, but really he just wants to avoid Sehun digging even further, because he knows he would be tempted to seek out that second chance if someone worked hard enough to convince him. After all, he's spent these two days desperately missing Chanyeol but pretending he doesn't. But he's an idiot, just like Sehun said.
"Stay or don't," Baekhyun says, drawing the hood of his sweatshirt up and tugging the drawstrings tight around his face. "But I don't want to talk about it anymore." He hears Sehun sigh and get up to walk to the kitchen, reappearing a minute later with an armful of cheap beer.
Sehun hands Baekhyun one and cracks another open for himself. He drinks it without a word and doesn't even wince at the shitty taste this time.
It doesn't make Baekhyun feel great, but it's doesn't make things worse. It seems a bit more bearable though, the sudden loss of the best relationship Baekhyun's had, to have someone know the truth and still want to be around him.
Work is exactly the same when Baekhyun returns on Monday. His boss is still the biggest jerk on the planet and his assignments still asinine. Compared to all the things which have happened in his personal life, the fact that work is still exactly the same, the same tedious grind just to get a paycheck, is even more frustrating than usual. Even when Sehun walks in, back in his clothes that look like they're from the mid-tier department store instead of the designer outfit Baekhyun saw him in just a couple days ago, it doesn't feel that different. Sure, the knowledge of who Sehun really is floats in the back of his mind, but as they settle into the day to day again even that disappears into the background too.
It occurs in the middle of the day. He skips lunch despite Sehun's worried glance and uses the time instead to spit out some pathetic article about alternate uses for pot holders, but in between number six (fireplace decoration) and seven (children's tea party placemats) is when he has a passing thought wondering if Chanyeol might be free to distract him from how boring the workday is. But just as quickly comes the realization that he hasn't spoken to Chanyeol in over a week and that he's probably never going to speak to him again. Just like that, all the tears that wouldn't come since Minseok visited rush up on him and he barely escapes the office and into the bathroom, locking himself in a stall where he bursts out into heavy, ugly sobs, crouching on the floor and curling into himself.
He hears Sehun's voice, but he could be talking to Baekhyun or anyone else passing through hearing Baekhyun's breakdown. Everyone's going to know now, that Baekhyun is messed up about something and maybe some of them might even dig deep enough to figure out over what.
Sehun picks the lock. It's not really hard when all he has to do is stick a pen between the gap and flip the latch. He closes the door again behind him and gathers Baekhyun up, uncaring that anyone walking in now would see their feet in the same stall. Baekhyun's calmed down some, but he starts up again when Sehun hugs him, Sehun's height making it feel just a little bit like it could be Chanyeol.
"Hyung, if you just explain to him the truth," Sehun says, but Baekhyun shakes his head, wiping his face so he doesn't get Sehun's shirt gross. Maybe it's not Dior, but it's probably still more expensive than anything in Baekhyun's closet.
"I already signed that thing saying I wouldn't talk to him," Baekhyun says, taking a deep breath. "If he didn't want it, he wouldn't have let his manager make me sign."
"Is that who you think he is? Someone who breaks up with people through some cease and desist letter?" Sehun sounds angry and Baekhyun gets it, knows deep down that Chanyeol is somewhere hurting too, waiting for Baekhyun to reach out and tell him it's all a misunderstanding.
Baekhyun shakes his head. "I know he's not," he says, hugging his arms and shrugging. "I know exactly what kind of person he is. But I'm not." He struggles to find the words and just ends up shaking his head, smiling brokenly. "He's a good person, I know."
"You know you're a good person too."
"I want to be a good person," Baekhyun says. "So I'm not going to bother him."
"If that's your intention, you're doing it all wrong," Sehun says, crossing his arms. "You're being an idiot."
Baekhyun shrugs. "At least I'm being an idiot just to myself then," he says, unlocking the door and leaving before Sehun can say anything else. He passes the mirror and sees how terrible he looks, how it's going to be obvious to anyone that he's been crying. But at this rate, the entire office probably knows anyway.
His breakdown leaves him with an even stronger apathy of this place. There's no reason for him to stick around. He hates this job so much already and now it's just a constant reminder of why his relationship with Chanyeol was doomed from the beginning. He heads back to his desk and ignores the stares and whispers, typing up a two line resignation letter and printing it out.
He marches into his boss's office five minutes later and drops the envelope onto his desk.
"I quit," he says, and doesn't stick around for an acknowledgement. He heads right back to his drab little cubicle and starts packing up his things. Sehun stands off to the side and doesn't even look surprised this is all happening.
"I just want to state for the record that you're running away," Sehun says, as Baekhyun zips up his bag. "Don't go off and convince yourself that you're just doing what's best for him. You're being a coward."
Baekhyun slings his bag over his shoulder and tosses his badge on the desk. "Well, that's the only side of myself I've ever shown him, so I guess at least I'll be consistent."
"Hyung."
Baekhyun forces a smile. He'd offer to shake Sehun's hand, but he doesn't think Sehun would take it. "Good luck with this place. If we run into each other in the future, I won't pretend to be strangers."
Sehun frowns and Baekhyun doesn't want to prolong this awkward goodbye. Secret billionaire or not, Sehun has been the one bearable thing in this whole office and Baekhyun is going to miss him. He pats Sehun's arm and heads out the doors, no clue what lies ahead of him, but at least, finally, he's done this one thing he's been talking about for months — years. It won't do anything to fix how he messed up with Chanyeol, but maybe it can be the start of letting go.
Without a paycheck, Baekhyun can't afford to stay in his studio for more than another month. He definitely doesn't want to go crawling back to his parents' place, but he is going to need to figure something out quick.
Jongdae stops by later in the week with fried chicken and beer — good beer — in hand.
"I don't deserve you," Baekhyun says, when Jongdae turns down his offer to pay for half.
"That's a fact," Jongdae says, grabbing a couple plates to join Baekhyun on his futon. He wonders if anyone would want to buy this thing when he moves out and is a little sad at the thought of having to get rid of it. "How have you been holding up?"
They'd met up for drinks on Monday after Baekhyun walked out on his job. Jongdae had been proud of him for that, but less excited when Baekhyun filled him in on what happened with Chanyeol.
"Okay. Better." Baekhyun digs into a chicken wing. "Just trying to figure out my next step, I guess."
"Still won't attempt to talk to Chanyeol?"
Baekhyun sighs and sits back. "There's no use and I just don't want to. I've already caused enough trouble for him, so I should just leave it alone and let him move on. I want to move on too."
"You told me you love him."
"Yeah, well." Baekhyun shrugs. "I don't have to be with him to do that."
Jongdae stares at him for a long moment, then sighs too and grabs his beer. "So what are you going to do?" he says, taking a drink.
"I don't know yet," Baekhyun says, looking around. "But I have to move out of here next month. I could barely afford it with that shitty job and I covered next month with the last of what was in my account."
"You can crash with me for a while."
Baekhyun shakes his head. "You know we'd drive each other crazy," he says, smiling gratefully. "I need to get out of here anyway. The city's gotten to me."
"Well, if you change your mind, my door's open."
"Thanks, friend."
Baekhyun gets the idea when his mom sends him an old photo of him as a child, visiting his grandma a few years before he actually got sent to live with her. He's maybe 7 or 8 and covered in dirt, the overalls he has on one size too big. His grin is blinding though, one tooth missing in the front, and next to him is his grandma, laughing at something he probably said just before the photo was taken.
He only visits his grandma now during holidays, but she is just as spry and witty as when he stayed with her fifteen years ago. Each time he sees her, she says the same thing about how much she misses having him in the house, that it's just too quiet these days living by herself for so long.
Baekhyun picks up the phone and hopes she meant what she said.
It's not as difficult as Baekhyun expected adjusting to life out in the countryside again. It's so much quieter at night, almost dead silent except for the wind rustling through the trees or when the cicadas come out. His grandma had welcomed him in with no questions asked and even waved off when he thanked her for not telling his parents he'd moved in with her again.
"You know I'm always here for you, dumpling," she had said and scurried off to finish cooking a lunch much too big for just the two of them.
A couple weeks after he'd arrived, he saw a "Help Wanted" sign posted outside the building which housed the small town newspaper. They needed someone who could manage their website and there weren't too many people in a town of 5,000 who had the skills. Baekhyun got the job ten minutes after walking in.
He lets Jongdae know where he is and sends Sehun a text too. He doesn't expect a reply, but Sehun says it's nice to hear from him and to send photos of him in those stretchy, floral, old lady pants. Baekhyun knows his grandma has at least ten pairs.
The atmosphere at the local newspaper is world's different compared to Shutter. The news cycle is much slower and Baekhyun helps format and post at most five articles a day. Most of the time he's acting as tech support instead, helping all the aunties and uncles with their computers or phones. In return, they either feed him or offer to set him up with their daughters. Baekhyun accepts the former but politely declines the latter.
A month into the job, he approaches the editor, who's this petite, round auntie with a sharp, full laugh and asks if he could perhaps write some pieces for the newspaper. He's so used to his ideas being shot down the past few years that he asks her to repeat herself when she tells him he can write whatever he'd like. But she just says the exact same thing again.
So that's what he does. He doesn't write about anything groundbreaking, but it's a welcome change from the vapid listicles he used to churn out. The police station is just down the street and he swings by in the mornings, sometimes with whatever homemade dish his grandma decided to make too much of, and will get the lowdown on whatever's going on in the neighborhood. There's never anything that scandalous, but there's still something refreshing about covering who might be stealing Grandma Min's garlic from her garden.
The rest of summer passes like this and soon autumn is half over too. Baekhyun has become a permanent figure in town. All the seniors know him and his grandma likes to brag at dinner about how her grandson has become a local celebrity. Jongdae's visited a couple weekends and even Sehun has made it down once. It had been amusing to Baekhyun to see Sehun with his expensive, impeccable fashion sitting too big at his grandma's dining table and try to handle being the sole focus of a tiny, 70 year old woman intent on feeding him until he couldn't move.
He learned Shutter was no longer under the management he knew and Sehun had officially outed himself and took over as interim president of the place.
"You could come back," Sehun had said in between Baekhyun's grandmother placing more and more food in his bowl. "I'm thinking of a complete re-brand, pivot the place to focus on long form pieces."
Baekhyun had considered it for a good minute or two, but ultimately turned it down. Sehun luckily hadn't pushed him on it and left the invitation open.
He knows eventually he'll need to make a decision. His parents still think he's living in the city so he'll have to either tell them the truth soon or figure out what his next step is.
The weather's started to dip a little, enough for Baekhyun to start wearing sweaters. He's at the office, progressing on his latest article. Lately he's been prone to these longer introspective opinion pieces about life, no doubt inspired by his personal state of limbo, like what being happy means, what success is, and they've been fairly well-received for a readership of a few thousand.
He takes a break to make some tea when he sees a message pop up on his phone from an unknown number. He almost dismisses it as spam, but stops when he sees a name he never expected.
>> this is kyungsoo. is there an expiration on that coffee meeting?
Baekhyun stares at it for a moment, then gets up and makes his tea like he had intended. When he returns, he picks up his phone and replies.
It's a bit surreal to see actor Do Kyungsoo walk into the single tiny cafe in town. Baekhyun didn't really think Kyungsoo would take up his offer to meet all the way out here, but his invitation was readily accepted. The cafe looks more like an attic with two booths built by the window as an afterthought. Most of the space is filled with random knick knacks, just two steps from being classified as hoarding.
Baekhyun orders himself an americano and Kyungsoo takes the auntie's recommendation of the plum tea. She gives them a serving of tea cakes too because she likes Baekhyun.
"I didn't know you actually got my number," Baekhyun says, after some small talk about what Kyungsoo is working on (a historical drama) and how Jongin's doing (preparing for a solo debut).
"I don't say things I don't mean."
"Okay, cool guy."
Kyungsoo smiles and it's all so unexpected, that Kyungsoo would want to reach out when surely he must have learned about the messy end between Baekhyun and Chanyeol. At the very least, the last thing Baekhyun expects from him is friendliness.
Kyungsoo sips his tea and looks out the window. "It's been six months, hasn't it?" he says, turning back to Baekhyun.
Baekhyun's about to disagree, but stops before he even starts, realizing with mild shock that Kyungsoo's right. Time feels slower out here and just like that, half a year has gone by and he didn't even know it.
"I guess so," Baekhyun says, cupping his hands around his mug. Six months seems like long enough for a person to get over a breakup. If that's the case, he doesn't know why Kyungsoo is here now. "Is everything okay?"
"Are we talking about something vague or someone specific?"
Baekhyun bounces his knee but it makes the table shake so he immediately stops. "If you came out all this way to have coffee when we've only met once almost six months ago."
Kyungsoo smiles and pushes his glasses up. "I always thought the story was funny, the one Minseok told about who you were," he says, spinning his clear tea cup idly. The plum blossoms floating inside rock slightly. "We met only once, you're right, but it wasn't a brief introduction."
"You waited this long just to tell me that?"
Kyungsoo grows a little more serious and contemplative. "I was going to leave it alone, but I wanted to hear your side of things. I know Minseok let his protectiveness cloud his judgment."
"Again, why now?"
"Because I want to know if you still feel something for him. Because he's...better, but he's miserable when he thinks no one is looking. He's no good at hiding."
Baekhyun bites his lip. "That sounds like you're guilting me."
"You were never using him," Kyungsoo says, and Baekhyun doesn't know whether to feel relief that someone on Chanyeol's side believes him after all this time or if he's upset that the person believing him isn't Chanyeol himself. "We didn't talk for long but it was clear that day your feelings for him were real."
"That was a while ago. Before I got dumped by his manager."
"You knew though, didn't you? That Chanyeol wanted to talk to you when he found out, but Minseok wouldn't let him. He called me after it all happened and said for sure you'd contact him to explain. But you didn't."
The auntie comes back and refills Kyungsoo's teapot with hot water. Baekhyun wants to fall back on old habits and use the opportunity to make his escape, but Kyungsoo keeps his eyes locked on him and the weight of his gaze keeps Baekhyun pressed to his seat. When she leaves them again, Baekhyun is antsy.
"I don't know what you came here looking for," Baekhyun says, tapping his fingers against the tabletop. "This isn't some drama where I'm going to run back to him. I didn't use him, but that's what my intentions had been in the beginning and I lied to him about who I was the entire time."
"You lied about where you worked, not who you were."
"Does it matter?" Baekhyun says. "I still lied."
"You're going to let that keep you from the opportunity of a second chance where everything's out in the open?"
"Look, there's just," Baekhyun says, hesitating as he tries to piece his thoughts together. "There's plenty of good people out there that will treat him like he's the most precious thing to them." Baekhyun's americano has gone cold and sits acidic on his tongue when he takes a sip.
"He misses you. Still. You blocked his number, didn't you?"
Baekhyun rubs his temple, not having a response on hand for anything Kyungsoo just said. He did have Chanyeol's number blocked, had done it the day he walked out the doors of Shutter for the last time. He had done it because he hadn't been able to stomach the thought of Chanyeol calling him furious over Baekhyun's betrayal, even if the chances of it happening had been slim to none.
"It's not going to happen, I wouldn't even know where to begin again with him," Baekhyun says, the edges of his words perhaps a bit too sharp. "Sorry, but you wasted your time coming here."
Kyungsoo stares at him and the silence drags on for longer than Baekhyun likes before Kyungsoo sighs and sits back. "Can't say I didn't try." Baekhyun expects him to leave, but he doesn't and instead asks Baekhyun about all the things he's done since moving here a few months ago. Baekhyun almost would prefer he had left. He doesn't want to be involved with anything connected to Chanyeol anymore. Kyungsoo seems to sense this and picks up his coat when he finishes his tea, standing up from the booth to slip it on.
"If I can't convince you to give it another try, that's fine," Kyungsoo says, straightening his collar. "But if you ever cross paths with him again on your own, then take it as a sign. Don't run away from it if the second chance comes to you."
Baekhyun nods just to get Kyungsoo on his way. There's no way Baekhyun will ever let himself get into a position where he and Chanyeol would even be in the same city, much less get close enough that they might actually bump into each other.
Long after Kyungsoo leaves, Baekhyun is still at the cafe. He orders another drink, some chrysanthemum tea, and tries to forget about all the things Kyungsoo had said about Chanyeol and what it means that Chanyeol misses him. Still misses him. The auntie starts playing some old records, ballads from the 60s and 70s, and the longing in the songs makes it hard for Baekhyun to lie to himself and pretend like his feelings have dissipated any either.
Really, all he's been able to do is become good at compartmentalizing.
Chanyeol has barely begun the prime of his life. He is and will continue to be surrounded by more than enough people who could love him the way he deserves. Everyone needs a story of a first love and maybe Baekhyun can be Chanyeol's. With time, maybe Chanyeol could look back on them and laugh at how it all happened.
When he finally returns home, his grandma is setting the table. He gives her a kiss on the cheek and washes his hands, helping her bring out the rest of the side dishes. The TV is on in the background and Baekhyun freezes for a moment when he sees Chanyeol's face on screen.
It's a press release for a new movie. Chanyeol looks both exactly the same as the last time they saw each other months ago but also seems a lot older. Baekhyun writes it off as the way his hair is styled and because he looks so serious in a suit. His voice comes through the speakers deep and rich and Baekhyun thinks of all the different ways he's heard it, gleeful and sad and empty and, most clearly of all, gentle and warm right next to Baekhyun's ear as if the world was just the two of them.
It leaves Baekhyun unsteady.
"He seems like a nice boy," his grandma says.
The press coverage ends and Chanyeol's face disappears off the screen but lingers in Baekhyun's mind. He sits and picks up his chopsticks.
"Yeah. He is."
There's an unfamiliar face in the office when Baekhyun arrives the next Monday. It's a woman a few years older than him and she gets introduced as the daughter of the copy editor and also happens to be a features editor for National Geographic Korea.
It turns out she is looking for Baekhyun.
There's a little bit of irony in the fact that Baekhyun's spent years in the city trying to break into the competitive market of professional journalism without success, but just a few months of working at some local village newspaper where he spends most of his time writing updates about the cat that lives outside the FamilyMart he gets an offer to freelance for an internationally published magazine.
"Your op-eds have a certain spirit," she says to him, but he has no idea what that means. He wrote them thinking no one would actually read them. They're glorified diary entries.
The magazine is looking for fresh voices for an upcoming series. He'd be sent to Europe, if that's okay. Baekhyun says he needs some time to think about it, but when he gets home for dinner, the first thing he says to his grandma is that he's going on a work trip.
Two weeks later he is 35,000 feet in the air, Seoul just a tiny speck behind him, impossible to even see.
Europe is very European. Baekhyun hides out in his hotel room in Paris for the first day, plagued with jet lag and in general still trying to shake off being overwhelmed just by the process of getting through immigration and reaching for every English class from over ten years ago to not seem suspicious.
The assignment requires that he explore the city though, so he forces himself out on day two.
Even as the weather is getting colder, a jacket required for going out, Paris is still bustling. There are more Asian people out on the streets than he expects and he even catches bits and pieces of Korean as he passes through the stream of pedestrian traffic in the big shopping districts. He's never traveled solo before, so everything is new and daunting, but he is nothing if not filled with stubborn resolve.
As the days pass, he cares less and less about eating alone amongst tables filled with couples and families. He takes photos of the locals and their daily lives, but also fellow tourists, sometimes finding them more interesting than whatever landmark they're at.
At the Louvre, he spends an hour in line just waiting to get in and when he leaves late in the afternoon his camera is filled with photos of the crowds of people with their phones stretched in front of them, all recording their existence at this place in this moment in time, but because of what motivation, it isn't clear. Though it certainly isn't appreciation for the art. Baekhyun would ponder over it more back at his hotel, after he's freshly showered and his mind ready to sift through the day's material.
When he leaves Paris a week later, almost two thousand photos taken and his notebook half full with thoughts and questions, he almost feels like he's meant to do this. That perhaps the copy editor's daughter really had seen something in him.
The second stop is Italy. He lands in Rome, but is only there for two days before his schedule carts him to the north toward Florence. He takes the regional train and the Italian countryside is breathtaking. Baekhyun can't stop taking photos of everything he sees, no matter how mundane, and spends the entire three hours parked right next to the window.
Florence is everything Baekhyun had pictured in his head. The cobblestone streets, the winding alleys hiding quaint little restaurants that beckon him in with very little effort. His first meal after arriving is an early dinner right as the restaurants start opening their the doors for the evening crowd. He's the first customer of the night and is seated right by the window. The menu is mostly gibberish to him and he ends up asking the waiter to just surprise him.
From the very first bite of the fried zucchini, Baekhyun knows this will be one of the best meals of his life. He finishes off the starter, a pasta entree, and a rich chocolate cake for dessert. By the end, he really thinks someone will need to roll him out.
Briefly, suddenly, he thinks of how much Chanyeol would have liked the food and the ambience of this place. It comes from nowhere and Baekhyun doesn't know why he's thinking of Chanyeol now after weeks of focusing on this trip and assignment.
The sun is low in the sky when he leaves, the days getting shorter. It's much colder without the sunlight, but Baekhyun tolerates it and decides to walk the half an hour back to his hotel.
Now that Chanyeol's entered Baekhyun's mind once, he pops up again with ease especially since there's nothing strong enough to distract him. He wonders what Chanyeol is doing, if he's already met up with Kyungsoo and if Kyungsoo had revealed having coffee with Baekhyun. He wonders for what reason Chanyeol still misses him.
Baekhyun thinks he's done a good job of moving on. He misses Chanyeol too, but only the idea of them, the memory of how they'd been that last weekend before it'd all been ruined. Maybe one day he'd even be able to think of Chanyeol and not be driven to hide in a completely different city.
There's a bit of commotion up ahead. A small crowd has formed in the square near a church and from a block away, Baekhyun can see the bright lights used for photoshoots. The crowd is mostly other tourists and they don't linger that long. Perhaps it is just a photoshoot for a local ad.
Baekhyun's attention is on the small shops he passes by, peering into the windows to look at the artisan chocolate and souvenirs and handmade batches of pasta. When he gets to the end of the block, the square opening up in front of him, he forgets how to breathe.
He thinks he is hallucinating. He must be because there underneath the painfully bright flood lights is Chanyeol. Baekhyun's feet become rooted in place but thankfully he out of sight in the shadow of a building. Chanyeol is clearly the focus even now between shots, towering quietly over the production team who flit around him checking the equipment and the stylists who touch up his makeup and double check that his hair hasn't moved a strand out of place.
Chanyeol's eyes are closed as someone gently dabs powder over his forehead and cheeks. When he opens them again and smiles down at the stylist in thanks, Baekhyun realizes with a heavy, ill heart that he's not over Chanyeol at all. He hadn't even begun. Instead, all he'd done was shove his feelings behind a closed door, sweep it under a rug, and convinced himself that out of sight was the same thing as closure.
He had been foolish.
Baekhyun watches Chanyeol joke with the staff, his dimples when he laughs visible even from where Baekhyun is standing. It is obvious the entire production team loves him and Baekhyun can only think, of course, of course the only option is to love him.
Baekhyun shouldn't stay. The sun is about to sink under the horizon, but the light from the flood lamps means Baekhyun could be noticed. He shouldn't stay anyway. Each second which passes feels like someone has their hand around Baekhyun's heart, squeezing and squeezing, but seeing Chanyeol again after so long is also like finally breathing fresh air after being trapped underground. He hadn't even known he had felt like that.
Chanyeol laughs at something the photographer says, his entire face scrunching up like it's the funniest thing he's ever heard, head thrown back. Baekhyun wants to cry.
He leaves before that happens.
The most direct path back to the hotel is through this square, but he detours, obviously, going around the opposite side and hoping to blend into the crowd. He gives in to temptation and looks over his shoulder, but he doesn't see Chanyeol anymore and the crowd carries him away before he can find him.
Take it as a sign.
Baekhyun can't help but laugh to himself. He can't believe Kyungsoo's words came true, here of all places, practically halfway around the world. He almost thinks this was planned, but it's all a little bit too unbelievable for him to take much stock in that.
The sun finally sets and the night air gets even colder. Baekhyun shoves his hands in his pockets and pulls his shoulders up, muscles tense as he tries to keep out the chill. The streets are quieter now away from the main avenue, and Baekhyun stops in front of a closed shop with the window display still lit up. It's a stationery shop, the shelves in the window showcasing fancy leather-bound journals. He makes a note to come back here during the day.
He's studying the intricate design on one of the covers when a weight suddenly falls over his shoulders. He looks down and sees a suit jacket draped over him and jerks his head back up to meet Chanyeol's eyes through the reflection in the glass.
"You were shivering," Chanyeol says. He looks breathtaking, even though he looks a bit disheveled now without a team of stylists following him around. As if he just jogged a few blocks. Or because he's a bit unkempt he's even more gorgeous. His hair blows in the breeze and his tie is loose and Baekhyun is two seconds away from panicking. When Baekhyun doesn't say anything or even move, Chanyeol says, "You're pretty hard to get a hold of."
The jacket is warm and somehow already smells like Chanyeol. It almost drowns Baekhyun's smaller frame and it takes a lot for him not to wrap it tighter around himself. He knows he has to say something but he has no clue what. His voice probably doesn't even work, his mouth and throat suddenly dry.
Chanyeol steps up and turns Baekhyun to him, forcing Baekhyun to make eye contact by tipping his chin up.
"Hi, hyung."
Baekhyun squeezes his eyes shut and stumbles back, out of reach. When he opens them again, Chanyeol looks crestfallen. "I'm not supposed to talk to you," he says. "I'm not even supposed to be near you. How did you even..."
Chanyeol slips his hands into his pockets. "I tore that up when Minseok-hyung finally told me about it a couple months ago. You would've known if you hadn't blocked my number."
Baekhyun covers his face with both hands. He hates the way Chanyeol is speaking to him, so patient and calm, as if Baekhyun had never messed up at all. He hates that even after months, Chanyeol is able to dredge up all these heavy, tangled feelings with just a few words. He goes to take Chanyeol's jacket off, but Chanyeol stops him easily and steps in close again, pulling Baekhyun by the lapels right into a hug.
It hurts. Baekhyun doesn't even have the strength to push away a second time even though it hurts to have Chanyeol this close.
"I missed you," Chanyeol says quietly, his words warm puffs against Baekhyun's ear. Baekhyun holds his breath and balls his hands up at his sides. "I'm so happy to see you."
Baekhyun takes a gasping breath and lets it out in an ugly sob, his hands coming up to clutch Chanyeol's shirt tightly. He presses his face to Chanyeol's chest, too ashamed to be seen. Chanyeol holds him tighter and brings one hand up to cradle the back of Baekhyun's head. Baekhyun can't stop crying, both so relieved that somehow he's received this chance to be in front of Chanyeol again and scared of what it means. He wonders if Minseok is somewhere around here waiting to remind Chanyeol just what Baekhyun did, that there's no reason to be happy to see him at all.
Chanyeol eases back enough to brush his thumbs across Baekhyun's cheeks and Baekhyun lets out a terribly unattractive sniffle. He speaks softly to Baekhyun and takes his hand and Baekhyun follows automatically, like a child whose scraped their knee and just wants comfort.
They head back toward the square and stop at the edge of the set where the staff is already breaking stuff down. Baekhyun keeps his eyes on the ground and doesn't dare lift it when people come by to speak to Chanyeol. If any of them think it's weird Chanyeol is holding hands with a guy they've never seen before, who's wearing the jacket Chanyeol's supposed to be wearing, they don't say anything.
The last person who comes up is Minseok. Chanyeol tightens his grip on Baekhyun's hand before he has a chance to pull away, and he certainly does try. They speak too quietly for Baekhyun to hear more than a few random words and then Chanyeol is taking him away again, down another side street. They don't talk, but Baekhyun feels Chanyeol's eyes on him the whole time.
After maybe ten minutes, Chanyeol stops in front of a building guarded by a set of heavy, deep green double doors. Beyond them is a small courtyard with a fountain in the center, trickling away. There's an elevator off to the side and Chanyeol guides Baekhyun inside and though he's already overwhelmed by what's happening, his breath still catches when the doors open up to a gorgeous open apartment. Wooden beams run along the high ceiling and the floors are a shiny dark cherry. On the left is a modest, but gourmet kitchen and the living room is in front of them, the windows opening up to a view of the river maybe a hundred meters away.
It's so different, but Baekhyun still can't help but be reminded of the beach house.
Chanyeol takes his jacket from Baekhyun's shoulders and drapes it over an armchair. He leads Baekhyun to the sofa large enough that it could easily seat six people. "I'll make us some coffee," he says and leaves Baekhyun there.
Baekhyun rubs at his eyes, feeling how swollen they still are. There's a silver bowl on the side table for decoration and he leans over to try and see how terrible he looks, but his reflection is too distorted to tell. He's barely started to process where he is and who he's with. Part of him still thinks this is a hallucination. The chances of him finding Chanyeol in a completely different country are too slim for this to actually be real.
Chanyeol returns with two cups. The one he places in front of Baekhyun is closer to caramel in color. He remembers the way Baekhyun likes his coffee. It shouldn't be surprising. Baekhyun remembers Chanyeol's too, among many other things.
"This place is nice."
Chanyeol looks around. "Yeah, it's a bit overkill for just one person, but I can't complain. Some of the staff are staying in the downstairs unit."
Baekhyun nods and tucks his hands between his knees, making himself small without really thinking about it. He still can't look directly at Chanyeol.
"How have you been?" Chanyeol says, holding his coffee cup but not drinking any. "What are you doing in Italy?"
Baekhyun opens his mouth to answer, but he suddenly wonders just what the hell he's doing. What they're both doing, sitting here trying to have a conversation as if they're two friends catching up instead of exes who broke up because Baekhyun got caught lying about who he was and what his intentions had been. None of this should feel normal. He stands up. This isn't where he's supposed to be.
Chanyeol quickly puts down his cup to grab Baekhyun's hand. "Don't," he says, clutching tightly. "We found each other halfway across the world. Talk to me. Tell me what's going on in your head."
"This isn't real," Baekhyun says, a dry laugh escaping him. "This can't possibly be real."
"Hyung."
Chanyeol's hands are warm around Baekhyun's. And grounding through the mess of thoughts and noise in Baekhyun's head.
"I lied to you," Baekhyun says, the words still not easy even though Chanyeol already knows. "I lied and I was going to use you."
"But you didn't."
Baekhyun sits back down and stares at his hand, completely enveloped in Chanyeol's large palms. What he can't wrap his head around is how easy Chanyeol is forgiving him, almost like he was never upset in the first place. "Why aren't you mad?"
Chanyeol furrows his brow. "At you? About what?"
"About what!" Baekhyun doesn't know if he should be laughing.
"I didn't know Minseok-hyung made you sign that stupid thing. He told me about you and I needed some time to process it, but I wasn't angry. I tried to call you, but you'd already blocked my number and then I had a project in Japan and when I came back to your place you had already moved out. If anything I was— I was worried. I didn't know where you were and Minseok wouldn't tell me anything. The only thing that kept me from bailing on my next project was when I found out Sehun knew you and then Jongdae approached me when we ran into each other at the broadcast station he works at."
"You saw Jongdae?"
"Yeah, maybe two months ago?"
Jongdae had visited Baekhyun just before he went on this trip and didn't say a single thing. The worst friend.
"He was really aggressive actually," Chanyeol says, like it's amusing. "He defended you and said you were never taking advantage of me. But."
Baekhyun bites his lip. "But what?"
"I already knew."
The laugh Baekhyun lets out is breathless and sharp and Chanyeol still hasn't let go of his hand, probably knows that Baekhyun is still a flight risk. He doesn't know what the next step is, what Chanyeol had wanted to hear from him when he asked how Baekhyun's been. He's been hiding. He's been pretending that distance and time would fix the ache in him of Chanyeol's sudden absence. He's been punishing himself, convinced that his presence in Chanyeol's life would just be a nuisance.
"Hyung, have you forgotten what you made me promise that day?"
Baekhyun has, but it's not hard to remember again. A day like that he won't be able to forget no matter how hard he tries. It just takes a bit of effort to dust the memory off from where he shoves all of his bad days. He remembers the terrible look on Chanyeol's face that morning when Baekhyun thought he was being responsible by hiding his feelings, he remembers the fraught silence in the car on their drive back to the city, he remembers thinking he could fix Chanyeol's hurt feelings with just a hug and a suggestion to not have anything change between them. He remembers.
I'll be here.
And Chanyeol was. Has been this whole time. Baekhyun is the one who left.
"You can't possibly," Baekhyun says, his voice quiet and wavering.
"I can't possibly what? Still mean what I promised?" Chanyeol scoots closer and something kindles in Baekhyun without his permission. It feels a lot like hope. "I tried to make Sehun and Jongdae tell me where you were, but they're pretty protective of you."
It's hard for Baekhyun to keep resisting. Chanyeol radiates warmth and it's so clear he's just waiting for Baekhyun to forgive himself.
"We agreed, didn't we?" Chanyeol says, touching his forehead to Baekhyun's. A gentle nudge. "You at least have to stay with me until you finish teaching me Gay Dating 101."
Baekhyun laughs, weak and yeah, hopeful. "And after I finish?"
"Then there's Gay Dating 201."
Baekhyun's heart gets lighter and lighter. Carefully, he squeezes Chanyeol's hand, the hand which caught him and refuses to let go for anything. Chanyeol releases a sigh of relief, smiling with too much teeth, and Baekhyun allows himself to think how wonderful it is that Chanyeol looks so beautiful because of him.
Baekhyun still has two days in Florence and then one more stop in Vienna before returning to Seoul. Chanyeol tries to get him to stay at his rental and it's certainly tempting, the apartment about a hundred times nicer than his hotel room, but he knows if he gives in he'll never complete his assignment.
They compromise with Baekhyun allowing Chanyeol to tag along the rest of the days he's there. It also takes a lot of effort to convince Chanyeol not to change his plans and follow Baekhyun to Austria. If Chanyeol had waited months for Baekhyun, he could handle another week.
But one week apart turns into two into three when Baekhyun gets back and locks himself in his grandma's house to feverishly write pages and pages, translating his piles of notes and thoughts into something people might want to read.
This time, though, Baekhyun does not have Chanyeol's number blocked and apologizes for being so unreachable, but Chanyeol tells him not to worry and to work hard. Chanyeol sends a few selfies of himself and Baekhyun looks at them during his breaks throughout the day, a reward for making progress.
The day he turns in his final draft is the same day he sends Chanyeol his grandma's address and invites him down to celebrate. Baekhyun didn't think it was possible, but it's way more amusing to watch Chanyeol be the subject of his grandma's attention, though he gets caught up in it too when his grandma corners him in the kitchen and asks if the young man sitting at her dining table means Baekhyun is finally done running away.
"I think I'm ready to be an adult now," Baekhyun says, hugging her. It's a poor thanks for all she's done for him in the past few months, but she seems happy anyway.
She sends Baekhyun back out with a plate of fruit and pinches his cheek. "Good. Your first job is never letting that nice boy out of your sight."
Baekhyun laughs sharply and Chanyeol looks at him curiously when he appears.
"Everything okay?" Chanyeol says, a bit surprised when Baekhyun sits next to him and takes his hand.
"Everything is great," says Baekhyun, and he believes it even though there's still so many unknowns ahead, because right now he is here with Chanyeol whose grip is comforting and firm, so even if Baekhyun stumbles or loses his way, he knows Chanyeol will guide him back to exactly where he belongs.