Chapter Text
Three things that confused Yoongi: people being kind to him, enjoying physical contact, and feeling the overwhelming need to take care of someone and make sure they were comfortable. The latter two tied in together in his current mental state; Hoseok had been at their apartment for four days now, and with each passing hour he found himself unable to tear his thoughts away from the man.
At work he looked forward to getting back and checking to see if he was doing okay, at home he was constantly fighting the urge to just… cuddle him and rub his shoulders and ask if he wanted a snack or a hot drink. When he accidentally cut himself when chopping onions for dinner, Yoongi was over him in a heartbeat, refusing to leave until his wound was clean and slathered in antiseptic cream and bandaged. Namjoon had raised an eyebrow at the weird scene, and Hoseok had shrugged in response.
He put it down to the gut-wrenching memories of him nearly dying out in the snow, but he wasn’t an idiot- he couldn’t deny that it was more than that. He couldn’t deny that his passion for him was slowly but surely blooming into something more than two bros looking out for each other (as Jeongguk had said in all his heterosexual glory), and the thought terrified him.
Feeling anything more than sadness and boredom was uncharted territory for Yoongi, and as much as he tried to push it away, his heart wanted what it wanted- which, apparently, was currently two symmetrical dimples on the face of a man whose smile could outshine the sun. He just tried to remind himself that he still didn’t know Hoseok, not really, not to the extent where he felt comfortable bearing his own heart to him.
He knew he was a handful, much more than the average person. That much was evident by the marks on his skin and the two pills that he swallowed every morning (he was back on track with his meds again, which was a positive, he guessed. Of course he had Namjoon to thank for that). After his previous shitty relationship Yoongi was firm in his belief that he could only fully trust someone once they knew about the things he dealt with and he was convinced they wouldn’t run away- so he pushed any wandering thoughts of hugging Hobi a little tighter or kissing his forehead before he fell asleep into the back of his mind.
He wanted to spill his confusion and thoughts out to Namjoon, but he thought that leading a conversation with “I like hugs now and I don’t understand” may be the one last straw that nudged Namjoon past understanding-but-still-concerned to please-see-a-therapist. (Which was a whole other ball park to tackle, one that Yoongi didn’t have the energy to indulge in).
Him and Hoseok shared a room now. The second night on the couch found Hoseok with backache that he tried to hide, but a wince slipped out when he bent down to pick something up off the floor, and Yoongi had cut straight to the chase and insisted that he just slept in his bed with him. What he initially assumed was going to be slightly awkward actually turned out to be rather calming, really; it had been a long time since he shared a bed with someone. Hobi’s warm body was a solid weight and made him feel less physically alone.
After half a week had passed, Yoongi decided it would be good to talk to Namjoon about getting some things for Hoseok- he couldn’t keep wearing Namjoon’s and Yoongi’s clothes, which were either far too small or several sizes too big thanks to Joon’s weirdly proportionate body of being over 6 foot and stupidly thin. He waited up until Namjoon came back from staying late at college before suggesting it to him.
“Joon,” he begun, leaning on the counter and watching his friend make coffee, “do you think we should take a trip to the mall and get a few bits for Hoseok? Just some clothes and bathroom stuff. We both have tomorrow off, yeah?”
Namjoon frowned a little while stirring sugar into his cup. “Uh, yeah, we do. And that sounds good, I totally don’t mind- but, hyung, how long are we letting him stay…?” He asked with a raised eyebrow. Yoongi immediately opened his mouth to protest, so he added before he could curse him out for being inconsiderate: “I don’t mind that he’s staying, it’s not a problem. He’s a nice guy and I like him. But we did just… drag him off the street. He might not even want to be here.”
“Of course he does.” Yoongi returned the frown. “What’s the alternative? Getting hit with rocks and beaten up by gangs again? Dunno about you, but I’d rather stay somewhere I know is safe.” There was a bite in his tone that he didn’t bother trying to quell.
“Okay, okay, I was just asking.” Namjoon mumbled and Yoongi instantly felt guilty.
“I know, I…. I’m sorry, Joon, I’m just stressed and worried. He’s not in a great place mentally and I just want to make him more comfortable.”
Namjoon was at college most of the time, so he wasn’t around often to first-hand witness what ‘not in a good place mentally’ meant for Hoseok. He had never outwardly expressed anything he was struggling with, but Yoongi could see the remnants of trauma in the way he flinched, the nightmares that made him tense and whimper in his sleep, how he would ask permission before doing something as simple as using a glass for a cup of water. Taehyung had been round once more since the whole cinema fiasco and had mentioned to Yoongi how nervous Hoseok was; from the way he held himself to how he would avoid eye contact while talking. Ever since it had been pointed out to him, it had become more and more obvious to Yoongi that Hoseok’s scars were much more than skin-deep.
“I understand.” Namjoon smiled reassuringly, laying a hand on Yoongi’s shoulder, “We’ll go shopping tomorrow, and he can come with us, yeah? In and out, it won’t be a big deal or anything.”
What was supposed to be a simple shopping trip, did, in fact, turn out to be a big deal.
It wasn’t anyone’s fault- not really. It was just that Namjoon got overexcited at the task of building a wardrobe from scratch and Yoongi forgot how intense he could get when it came to fashion. He insisted on going to shops that were usually out of their price range (Joon justified it by showing Yoongi the recent paycheck he got from his first mixtape, which was admittedly a healthy sum of money) and in the bustle of people, both of them failed to realise how anxious Hoseok was getting.
Breaking the news to him was fine. He did initially protest and insist that he was okay with the two outfits he kept interchanging, but Yoongi was stubborn and wouldn’t take no for an answer. He also pointed out that Hoseok needed his own shower sponge and razor and other bits and pieces, and after a promise that they wouldn’t make a whole thing of it, Hoseok reluctantly followed Yoongi and Namjoon into the car.
People scared him a lot. It was clear in the way he seemed to shrink into himself and press against Yoongi as they walked, not wanting to be separated for even a second. He couldn’t be blamed for that, though; who wouldn’t be untrusting of people after spending so long on the streets, where most of your interactions were either being hurt or being ignored and neglected? So Yoongi kept a protective arm around his waist and steered him in the direction of wherever Namjoon was going.
Hoseok pointed out a thrift store when he was asked where he wanted to go, and Yoongi was perfectly set to agree with him. Thrift store clothes were cheap, which would go easy on their bank account and Hoseok’s nerves.
Then Namjoon had spotted a new store that hosted one of his favourite designer brands and the thrift store was suddenly a distant hope.
Yoongi had just rolled his eyes and followed his friend. In retrospect he should have noticed the first sign that things were about to go south- Hoseok’s face had completely drained of colour when he glanced at the price tag on something as simple as a pair of socks, but Yoongi was busy reminding Namjoon that they needed to get needed clothes, not weird useless accessories, so he didn’t see the distraught on his friend’s face.
They walked around for a bit, Namjoon picking up the odd sweater or pair of jeans and looking to Hoseok for approval or dismissal. The latter was never given considering he just nodded shyly at everything proposed to him, and the stack slung over Namjoon’s arm steadily grew and grew. It wasn’t until they were nearing the register did Hoseok try to voice his troubles.
“Hyung.” He mumbled, tapping Yoongi on the shoulder, “I- I can’t accept this, please, it’s so much money. I’d really rather just go to the thrift store.”
“You don’t have to worry about that. Namjoon’s paying.” Yoongi said with a small smirk, satisfaction written on his face at the fact that Namjoon had offered to pay.
“No, it doesn’t matter, I-“ He suddenly buried his face in his hands and ducked away, not wanting Yoongi to see or hear how worked up he was getting. “Please, hyung, I really can’t-“
“Seok? It’s okay. You don’t have to be sad.” Yoongi frowned, feeling slightly awkward; he wasn’t good at feelings. Namjoon was better at this. He poked his friend in the shoulder and gestured towards Hoseok, a frown present on his face that showed how confused and uncertain he was.
“Hoseok? What’s up?” Namjoon mirrored Yoongi’s frown and gently approached him. He shuffled the clothes onto his other arm, and reached out to lay a hand on Hoseok’s shoulder when he didn’t respond.
The wrong thing to do.
Hoseok flinched violently- harder than Yoongi had seen him do before- and the force of the action sent him sprawling against a rack of clothing. The rack was on wheels, luckily, so it didn’t tip over- but it did give way and left Hoseok to fall to the ground with a shriek that drew the attention of everyone around them.
“Shit, dude, are you alright?” Namjoon bent over and stretched his hand forward, palm out, ready to help Hoseok to his feet. But the action of raising his hand was misinterpreted and Hoseok responded by curling his arms around his head in a position of protection.
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry-“ Hoseok babbled, clearly fear-stricken in the way he shuffled away from them with his hands jumping from his head to his face to his stomach as he tried to decide which area he needed to protect more. Yoongi drew in a sharp breath of air at the sight of his friend so upset, so scared, and he dropped to his knees so he was eye-level with Hoseok.
He approached him slowly, like one would approach a frightened child, and talked to him in a voice equally as gentle. Namjoon took a couple of steps back to give them space and went to pay for the clothes while Yoongi tried to calm Hoseok; the sooner they were done in the store, the sooner they could leave the judging gaze of the people around them who kept shooting glances in Hoseok’s direction.
“Hey, Seokie, it’s okay. You’re alright. You don’t have to be scared, yeah? I’m sorry that we upset you, I promise we didn’t mean to.” He reassured him, inching closer until he could place a hand on Hoseok’s knee. The contact was met with a flinch, but nothing as bad as the last one, so Yoongi kept the contact and rubbed what he hoped was comforting circles up and down his calf. “Hoseok-ah, can you look at me? That’s it, you’re okay.”
Yoongi was mostly mimicking the things Namjoon would say to help him through a panic attack or a bad dissociative episode. He figured that if it worked on him, it might make Hoseok calm down. After a couple more moments the other deemed it safe enough to lift his head and meet Yoongi’s eyes, and Yoongi swallowed a mouthful of guilt when he saw the wetness residing there.
Pushing the guilt away, Yoongi forced a smile. “Hey. I really am sorry, Hoseok. I should have seen that you weren’t feeling good.” He looked behind him briefly, checking to see if Namjoon had finished. “Joon’s done paying, so we can go home as soon as you’re ready.”
“Don’t worry about the money, hyung. I’m the sensible one out of the two of us; I manage most of the bills and stuff. I wouldn’t have offered if it was a problem.” Namjoon reassured, wearing that calming smile that seemed to come so naturally. It was moments like this that Yoongi wished he had such a gentle presence and had the ability to make someone relax with just a look and some carefully-chosen words. “A store clerk straightened out the clothing rack and the people who heard you have been moved along. You’re perfectly okay to stand up now.”
A blush spread across Hoseok’s face then, making his cheeks burn red and lip tremble. Yoongi assumed it was embarrassment at causing a scene, and was about to again reassure him that no-one was angry when he mumbled something.
“Pardon?”
Hoseok mumbled again, hiding his face in his hands.
“Seok-ah, I can’t hear you.” Yoongi slowly pulled Hoseok’s hands away from his face and blinked at him. “It’s okay. You can tell me.”
There was silence for a few moments while Hoseok chewed his lip. “I…” He sighed, ran his hands through his hair, straightened his bandana after knocking it slightly. “I kind of… uh…”
“Mm-hmm?” Yoongi leaned in closer just in case Hoseok went quiet again.
His friend rested his forehead against his shoulder. “I… I was really scared and m-my body doesn’t really react well to being frightened and…” He took another deep breath and whispered into Yoongi’s ear, shame lacing every word, “I peed my pants a little.”
“Oh!” Yoongi said, stroking his fingers through Hoseok’s hair, “oh, Seokie, that’s okay. That’s not your fault. I’m sure I would have too if I was that frightened.” He tried to keep any judgement out of his tone. Of course the confession surprised him- especially coming from a grown man- but Yoongi wasn’t in the position to think him weird when it was his ignorance at Hoseok’s emotional state that led to the incident in the first place. The shame was spread across the other’s cheeks and he didn’t want to make him feel any worse than he already did.
Digging through the bag of clothes and pulling out a sweater, Yoongi tried to push back the self-deprecating thoughts that were itching under his skin. Now wasn’t the time to get mad at himself for upsetting Hoseok- his priority was getting the other in the car and home so he could get washed up and comfy. He handed him the sweater, gesturing for him to tie it around his waist, and helped him to his feet. Namjoon looked on in curiosity but didn’t question it.
Hoseok climbed into the back seat of the car and resumed his position of wrapping his arms around his legs, trying to curl into a ball and take up as little space as possible. Yoongi muttered the situation to Namjoon and the other just nodded, taking it in hi stride like he did with any conflict presented to him. That was another characteristic of Namjoon that Yoongi was envious of: his ability to just soak up obstacles and dilemmas and work through them calmly and logically without freaking out. He truly was the backbone of their friendship group and they’d be lost without him.
Once they were home, Yoongi led Hoseok into the bathroom, settling the bags of clothes just inside the door and laying a fresh towel out over the heater. “Take as long as you need.” He said with a friendly smile, “and don’t lock the door or Joon will freak out again.”
Hoseok chuckled and nodded in response, remembering the first time he had showered and was met with Namjoon’s incessant knocking and demands that he unlocked the door in case “something bad happens and I can’t reach you and you’re left unconscious and drowning”. Of course, he didn’t know the reason why Namjoon got so paranoid about locked bathroom doors- and Yoongi was hardly rushing to explain to him what went down- but he obliged anyway, which put Namjoon’s stressed heart at rest.
“Don’t worry, it’s unlocked.” Yoongi said to his friend when he re-entered the living room after leaving Hoseok to clean up.
“Not worrying.” Namjoon tried acting nonchalant, “I’m chill.”
“Uh-huh. Sure, Joon.” Yoongi raised an eyebrow and tried to ignore how Namjoon instantly went to one of the compulsive counting tasks that he did to calm down. He sighed heavily and flopped into the armchair, rubbing his eyes tiredly. “Well. That… didn’t go as smoothly as I’d have hoped.”
“Hmmm.” Namjoon shrugged a little, taking a seat on the couch, still tapping his fingers rhythmically on his thigh. “We should have expected it, really; we still don’t know the full extent of what he’s been through and what trauma he has. Maybe next time we should ring Tae and ask him for some advice.”
“Yeah, he’ll say ‘don’t be a fucking moron, Yoongi, and maybe then you’ll notice earlier that he wasn’t doing good’.” The older scoffed and ran his hands through his hair. After Hoseok was done, he had half a mind to shower himself to scrub away the layer of guilt and grime that had settled on his skin.
“Actually,” Namjoon kicked his shin lightly, not enough to hurt but enough to know he was being scolded, “he’d tell you that it wasn’t anyone’s fault and that we have to give him time.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Yoongi huffed. “It’s just… I dunno. I just want him to know that he’s safe here, and we aren’t gonna hurt him. It seems like the second he stops flinching at one thing, something else happens that makes him scared and wary. Like, he’s fine with me touching his shoulder and he doesn’t jerk away when we end up rolling closer to each other when we’re sleeping, but then he gets so frightened that he has an… accident in the middle of the store? He must be so fucking embarrassed, Joon, and it isn’t his fault but he doesn’t believe that.”
The frustration was building with every word and Yoongi had to force himself to take a few deep breaths and unclench his hands from his hair. He wasn’t angry at Hoseok- far from it, he wanted nothing more than to protect the man- he was angry at himself and whoever hurt him so much that he was constantly looking over his shoulder.
Taking him off the streets was the right thing to do, Yoongi had no doubts about that. The thought of him having to spend another second out in the cold and the dark alone made the anger inside him bubble dangerously. But now the veil had begun to lift as he grew more accustomed to living in their apartment, and the sunshine man he had grown fond of was starting to let his demeanour slip and Yoongi could see how broken he was.
Which was a weird thing to see in someone else’s eyes when it was usually found in his reflection. Perhaps that was why he was so protective over Hoseok. Yoongi knew what it was like to feel hopeless and alone, to feel like no-one would care if you disappeared; he had spent so many nights sitting outside staring up at the clouds and berating himself for failing the one thing that would have taken him off the world forever. Namjoon’s support and the rest of their friend’s love had slowly helped build him back up, and while his depression and dissociation were disabling when things got bad, he felt confident that the events of that night could be left in the past.
What did Hoseok have? Before Yoongi came along he had a notebook and a couple of blankets. Now he had a shelter and some clothes, yeah, but he was still hurting, still afraid and uncertain. He was no longer expected to be strong and unbreakable because those demands had been taken away and now he was left with a feeling of vulnerability that he probably wasn’t used to.
He just wanted to look after him. Be the pillar of support that Yoongi so desperately craved for when things first started to get bad.
“We can’t force him to change, hyung. Just give him some time.”
Hoseok re-entered from the bathroom a short while later. He was wearing his new clothes and a towel was strewn across his shoulders, catching stray drops of water that fell from the ends of his hair. Both Namjoon and Yoongi smiled gently at him and were about to ask him if he was okay and assure him that they weren’t mad or annoyed, but he raised his hand to indicate that he had something to say.
“I’d like to apologise for my actions earlier.” He spoke firmly with a confidence that suggested he had revised beforehand. “It was immature and I didn’t mean to humiliate you both in public. I promise it will not happen again, and if it… if it d-does, I will readily take any form of discipline without complaint.”
Yoongi and Namjoon shared a look. The shake in his voice didn’t go unnoticed, even though he clearly tried to conceal it.
“Come here, sit down.” Namjoon patted the empty space on the couch next to him. Hoseok blinked uncertainly before taking a tentative seat, glancing between the two men. He had one arm wrapped around his stomach and the other reached up to fiddle with the ends of his bandana. He never took that thing off, even though Jimin had employed his rudimentary haircutting skills the previous day and trimmed his bangs so his hair didn’t fall in his eyes anymore. It seemed to be a comfort item for him- the feeling of it tied around his forehead brought a sense of familiarity, Yoongi assumed, and he was one of the few people (along with Taehyung) who could pull it off, so nobody said anything.
Joon carefully took Hoseok’s hand. “We should be the ones apologising, hyung. Both me and Yoongi-hyung should have been more considerate and realised that you were getting overwhelmed.”
Yoongi nodded in agreement, “you didn’t humiliate us at all. We couldn’t give a shit what anyone else thinks. We’re just worried about you.”
Hoseok frowned, chewing his lip. “I-I just… I don’t like people… spending money on me. Y’know it’s just…” He trailed off, glancing around the room as if he was trying to look anywhere but at their faces. “I was thinking, and I was wondering if I could… pay you back. I don’t mind, it’s okay, you don’t have to worry about hurting me. I’m used to it.”
“Pay me back? Used to what? What do you mean, hyung?” Namjoon asked, clearly confused since Hoseok didn’t have any money nor means of getting some. He didn’t want to be paid back- the clothes were a gift, he would never expect Hoseok to go out of his way to make it up to him when it was a voluntary purchase in the first place. He just wanted to understand what he meant, and why he had become even more nervous all of a sudden.
“I mean, like, I-I can…” Hoseok swallowed. He then stood up from the couch and closed the short distance between the two of them, a red blush hastily blooming over his cheeks.
Namjoon thought he was approaching him for a hug, and was about to open his arms. Instead he was left feeling nothing less that horrified when Hoseok suddenly placed his hand on Namjoon’s belt buckle and dropped to his knees before him.
“Hyung, what the fuck?” Namjoon all but yelled, immediately scrambling backwards on the couch to put as much distance as possibly between them. Namjoon was never usually one to shout, so his outburst made Yoongi flinch as well as Hoseok
Hoseok was also confused- he gawped and frowned and tried to hide the way his hands were trembling- although his internal conflicts were clearly different to Namjoon’s. While the taller man sat gaping and trying to comprehend what the fuck had just happened, Hoseok looked more upset at the fact that he had been rejected. If ‘rejected’ was the right choice of word because he didn’t seem too thrilled to have been offering in the first place.
If they knew this is what he had meant, they would have shut it down before it begun.
Yoongi stood up and rushed to his friend’s side, placing a hand on his shoulder to steer him away from Namjoon. “Hoseok,” he said firmly, making sure he was listening, “you don’t have to do that, okay? I don’t- I don’t know why you thought of that in the first place, but that is absolutely not something that me or Namjoon expect from you.”
The situation was certainly awkward, but Yoongi pushed his social discomfort aside and focused on trying to make his friends calm down. Namjoon was still staring wide eyed- albeit he was no longer pressed into the back of the couch like he was trying to sink into it- and Hoseok was glancing between the two of them, eyes shining with bewilderment. Yoongi could practically hear the cogs turning in his head as he tried to make sense of what he was saying.
“I... w-what? But I said I’d repay you, I thought that-“
“Well, you thought wrong.” Namjoon spoke, and both of their attention was immediately on him. He cleared his throat and ran a sheepish hand down his face. “Hoseok-hyung, I’m sorry for shouting. I didn’t mean to startle you. I was just surprised because- to be honest I thought you were going in for a hug. I certainly didn’t expect you to-“ he gestured vaguely between them, fingers flicking in the direction of his crotch. The action made him blush harder and he cleared his throat again. “Like Yoongi-hyung said, you don’t have to do anything like… that.”
Yoongi glanced at Namjoon and decided that he wanted to talk to him alone, to try and make sense not only of what just happened, but the entire day’s events.
“Hoseok-ah,” Yoongi smiled, still holding Hoseok’s hand, “do you wanna go to our room a second? I just need to talk to Joon.” He felt like he was trying to preoccupy a child, the way parents did when they wanted to have grown-up discussions, and he felt bad about sending him away only to talk about him behind his back. If Hoseok felt patronised, he didn’t show it, instead simply nodding and moving towards their room on legs that shook a bit too much for Yoongi’s liking.
“Well... that was...”
“Expected. Probably.” Namjoon interrupted, massaging his temples with a raised eyebrow.
“What? How was that ‘expected’, Joon?”
“Think about it.” Namjoon’s eyes darted to the closed bedroom door that Hoseok was sat behind. “He’s been on the streets for a while, right? He wasn’t on the brink of starvation when you first met him. Like, yeah, he was hungry, but he must have got food and stuff somehow...”
Yoongi swallowed. “You think... people would have taken advantage of him like that?”
“I think,” Namjoon closed his eyes and leaned back in his seat. “He wouldn’t have had any choice.”
A silence passed between them and Yoongi huffed out a deep breath. He could feel the haze of dissociation passing over him, which was probably inevitable considering the stress bubbling under his skin, and he wanted to just give into it and let his mind turn to fog for a few hours. Thinking about his friend, the man he ached to protect so much, having to sell himself to strangers just so he could eat for the day? He felt sick. He felt sick and so, so angry that the whole world had failed him for so long.
Dissociating could come later, however; his immediate priority was making sure Hoseok knew how safe he was with them. Yoongi left Namjoon to sit with his thoughts in the living room and approached their bedroom.
He didn’t know what to do or where to start. He wasn’t exactly brilliant at either physical affection or emotional sensitivity, so any attempt at comfort could go downhill. He had half a mind to just bite the bullet and smother him in cuddles and never let him out of his sight.
But perhaps, first, a conversation about healthy boundaries and reassurances.
Jesus Christ, Min, he thought to himself as his hand rested on the door knob. Life was so much simpler when all you felt was tiredness and hopelessness. Now your heart is beating through your chest at the thought of opening your own bedroom door.
And yeah, maybe that was true; things were definitely less complicated before he met Hoseok. But he took the racing of his heart as conformation that he was alive, and fuck was that a feeling he had almost forgotten.
I’d do anything for you.
Those dark eyes and those dimples were going to be the death of him, he knew it.
Anything.