Chapter Text
It was 10 minutes past 6 o’clock in the morning when Goofy woke up hollering for a few seconds, then he gathered himself and looked around the area. He found himself laying on a sandy beach near a forest that he could not identify. Looking up to the sky, Goofy saw that there wasn’t a single cloud to block out the stars. Then Goofy immediately remembered that he died, so he checked to see if he was among the living.
He listened to his heart to make sure it hasn’t stopped.
~My heart is still beating…~ thought Goofy.
Then he touched the back of his head to feel for the bullet hole he had before he died; no trace of a bullet hole or any sort of wound.
After that moment, Goofy wanted to believe that the Gods of the Unjiverse had definitely revived him, but he wasn’t 100 percent certain of it, so he gathered himself to look at his reflection in the water; fearing he would see a corpse or a ghost of sorts. Once he looked at himself, all of his concerns washed away with the waves that brought him to the sands beneath him. Goofy saw that he was fully healed from his previous wounds, he was fully clothed, and most definitely among the living!
This gave Goofy a burst of energy as he sprang up to the air and cheered, “YAHOO! Im alive again!”
After landing back down to sandy floor, he saw that his reflection suddenly changed to that of a great white shark’s. No, not just any regular great white shark’s reflection, but specifically the great white shark from the Gods of the Unjiverse! Before Goofy could fathom what was going on, the reflection of the great white shark became the actual great white shark.
“Goofy… We the Gods of the Unjiverse have resurrected you from the void of death itself! Remember the bargain you made with us… please make sure that you will fulfill your epic expedition!” spoke the great white shark.
“Well of course Mr. great white shark! H’yuck!” replied Goofy.
“Forgive me for digressing but I is actually a female great white shark. However I can certainly cognize your moment of confusion as great white sharks is severely lacking in tertiary sexual characteristics.” corrected the great white shark.
“Gwarsh. Im sorry for mistaking you for a boy shark.” apologized Goofy.
“HAW! Water off a shark’s back I say!” laughed the great white shark.
“However I must warn you that along the way you will meet those who would be much more offended by such genuine mistakes that they could even troll you for such things.” continued the great white shark.
“H’yuck! Now who would go and do such things like that?” asked Goofy while he scratched his head.
“They is called the Social Justice Warriors.” replied the great white shark.
“Social Justice Warriors I know about them… but wait a sec… I thought Social Justice Warriors cared about the rights for other people and other good shit like that?” retorted Goofy.
The great white shark frowned solemnly and shook her head briefly.
Then the great white shark explained very carefully, “Yes. Them Social Justice Warriors or SJWs may have some benevolent intentions but in the end they is not much better than trolls. For SJWs is typically misguided with their means of bringing social justice… for those that genuinely wish to bring justice unto others… most of the other SJWs tend to be hypocrites who resort to similar callous actions that would be done by racists and trolls… and some SJWs manipulate others into thinking they is out for supporting other people when they is only in it to benefit themselves and will sic their followers unto those who disagree with them. All the while they hide their insecurities and deepest darkest flaws. This is why I say them SJWs is barely better than trolls. And that is why you must maintain caution whenever you is in their presence.”
“Gwarsh! I see! Thanks Ms. great white shark!” chuckled Goofy.
“Now its time for me to go on my quest…” said Goofy as he proceeded to walk away from the beach.
But after a couple of seconds of thinking, Goofy stopped and said, “That is… if I had any idea where I was going… h’yuck!”
“I had considered that this sort of dilemma would occur with you Goofy. After all we had not provided you with any particular directions of where to commence your perilous journey!” said the great white shark.
Then the great white shark began a nauseating gagging sound, which increasingly disturbed Goofy as the gagging dragged on. Then after about 5 minutes of gagging, the great white shark coughed up a couple pieces of a map from her mouth and into Goofy’s hand.
“Behold! The pieces of the map that you will most positively need to in order guide yourself!” announced the great white shark.
Goofy stared at the two pieces of the map. There was one for a hotel that was about 20 miles north from where they were and the other piece had a mountain circled in red ink with the words “SJW CaPiTaL iZ hEeR!” scrawled next to the mountain. While Goofy was somewhat pleased with the fact that he has the location of where the SJWs would all be gathered, that pleased feeling quickly went away with the fact that there weren’t any road names on said piece. Mildly annoyed and perplexed, Goofy just stared at the map pieces then at the great white shark over and over for about three minutes.
Feeling increasingly awkward by Goofy’s stare, the great white shark felt it was necessary to explain her situation.
“Well… I had attempted to relinquish you an entire map but even I is not able to help restore an entire map because that is not among my powers as the Unjiverse’s Goddess of the Sea.” sheepishly spoke the great white shark.
“Seriously?” asked Goofy.
“Yes Im most indubitably certain I cannot merely regurgitate an entire map. Nor can the other Gods of the Unjiverse just give you a straight answer. For we work in mysterious ways.” replied the great white shark.
“Though I can most certainly tell you that at the hotel, you will meet one person who is a woman wearing green. She will ask you to help her on her own personal quest. Accept the quest, for it will not sidetrack you on your grand journey and it may even help you!” continued the great white shark.
“Gee Ms. great white shark, why the fuck wont you just give me her name?” asked Goofy.
But before the great white shark could say anything, Goofy immediately followed up with, “Wait… I know, the Gods of the Unjiverse work in mysterious ways and shit.”
If the great white shark had hands, she’d give him a thumbs up of approval, but she didn’t, so she settled with nodding her head.
“Anyway, my time spent upon this Earth is at its limit and I must return back to Heaven in approximately 3 minutes.” stated the great white shark.
“Wait, I have a question!” shouted Goofy.
“One question, but then I must leave afterwards.” replied the great white shark.
“Why the fuck is you using all those fancy words when you talk?” asked Goofy.
Now it was the great white shark’s turn to stare awkwardly at Goofy.
Then she replied, “Because I use a fucking dictionary and read a fuck ton. Deal with it, you fucking fucker.”
“Now, its time for me to make my return to Heaven and for you to partake in your odyssey!” said the great white shark.
Then she leapt out of the water and flew all the way up to Heaven while shouting, “FAREWELLL GOOOFFYYYYYYYYYY!!!”
“Farewell Ms. great white shark.” said Goofy as he waved goodbye.
Right after she ascended back to Heaven, the sun rose before Goofy.
“Gwarsh with the sun rising, Id say its the perfect symbol for my new life and my new quest for redemption! H’yuck!” lampshaded Goofy.
While Goofy did not have the most reliable help provided to him for his journey, it certainly would not stop him from proceeding with it. Goofy was confident he could find a way to the Social Justice Warlord with what he has been born with, his personal abilities, and the bits of map given to him. Whatever awaited for him, Goofy was ready for it all!