Chapter Text
Tee realized he had been busy the moment he left home.
He never had the time to reflect and breathe. He’s been socializing with nameless women and drank blurred brands while struggling to persevere with his studies and acting career for months. He was good at talking nonsensical conversations with strangers—it’s his specialty—but he wasn’t prepared to face a stranger with memories; people that cared enough to remember what he likes and he hates, what he mentions in broad daylight and what he thinks during lonely midnights—like June.
Under the moonlight with hands on the white balustrade and the pumping jazz music in the background, he stood beside June in her long, sparkling, blue cascading dress. She wasn’t usually the type to dress up for occasions so often times, her friends would lend their wardrobe for her to choose from, and he remembered laughing at her uncanny fashion choices despite he was also the same. Makeovers were fun during the weekends but playing the piano on weekdays was even exciting.
Tee joined the music club in their school back in freshman year prior to Chai’s desire because the latter had heard him sing once during showers after PE class, but Tee will only join if his best friend came with him, and surprisingly, with their singing, they were fit for the club. They began to take the role of the secretary and the treasurer respectively on their sophomore year so they were always in the music room.
Aside from singing, Tee had a decent knowledge about playing the piano. His father taught him when he was a child but it was more of a hobby than a job and he hadn’t been playing for a long time. There were times that whenever he liked something to be played, he’ll find music sheets online but would never really practice. When he and June were together for a month, she began to take interest in piano and as a casual pianist and a sloppy teacher, their lessons were filled with chuckles and childish banters.
Tee never had the chance to say it but he started to like piano again because of her enthusiastic behavior and her passion to know that part of him. Wardrobe dress-ups and playing the piano were two of their favorite things to do, but everything between them ended when he lad let a mistake control him and she was beyond furious to even think of what she had done.
“Last week,” she began with hands clasped together and laid onto the railing of the balcony. “Chai asked me if it was a great idea to name a dish after you when he tried to recreate your favorite soup and I told him, jokingly, that I’ll ask you myself.”
“You don’t need to ask me. He probably already made up his mind about it.”
She chuckled. “It has to have your approval since it’s yours.”
“I wouldn’t mind it as long as it doesn’t have any cheese.”
“You still hate cheese?”
“I don’t like the texture but that doesn’t mean I hate it.”
“Same thing,” she shrugged. “Who’s your friend that came with you?”
Tee glanced back at the closed glass doors as if expecting the said man to stand there before looking at her. “It’s P’Tae. No offense, but he’s the main attraction of the night. He’s been getting numbers left and right.”
“He does look stunning, to be honest. Do actors really have that glow in them?”
“You’re asking as if I’m not one of them.”
“I am asking like you’re not one of them,” she teased like a child.
He rolled his eyes but nevertheless chuckled at her antic. “It’s just the face, June.”
“I feel like I’ve seen him somewhere.”
“On TV, yes.”
“No, I mean in real life. I can’t tell for sure.”
“Do you know that he said the exact same thing?” he asked and before she even opened her mouth from such discovery, he added, “Don’t tell me he’s actually your lover from a past life and you’re only realizing it now?” She smacked his arm which made him howl in pain. “I was kidding! You know I was kidding.”
She glared at him before loosening it and gaze upon the moon, eyes twinkling in awe and contentment. Her lips molded into a gentle smile when she was reminded by the past but his lips were shut tight in a fine line as he recalled what had happened. “I love him, Tee, and it overflows everyday. It’s unbelievable.”
“It’s not. You’re both engaged to each other.”
“I can’t help but think…” she trailed off, somewhat intentionally but also because she didn’t want to be the one saying it. “…what if it never happened? That I’m still with you? That it’s you instead?”
He lowered his head. “Now, that’s unbelievable.”
Silence surrounded them as the popping tunes were still playing in the background. There were a lot to say but their tongues were twisted. They didn’t know where to start and/or how to begin telling the what and the who and the why. Everybody in the hall was having the best time of their lives. These same people knew that Tee and June had a long historical romance but not a lot knew how they had broken up—not that it mattered a lot for everyone. It might threw people off if they knew the truth. Though, he had a nagging question in the back of his head for a long time: Did they actually broke up?
Is physically leaving someone for good an alternate version of breaking up?
He noticed on her neck was a familiar, shining turquoise gem necklace—a gift that he gave her when they started dating. She must’ve noticed his gaze and said, “I still have it.”
“I’m surprised you never threw it away.”
She glanced at the necklace before looking at him, saying, “How can I throw it if it’s the only thing that I still have from you?”
He stayed silent.
June began fidgeting as she said, “Two years ago, I saw you at a party with Phichit’s friends. I didn’t think it was you because, well, it wasn’t you. I’ve known you like the back of my hand but you keep surprising me, Tee,” He felt something tightened in his chest. Was it guilt? Was it anger? “When you left, I wanted to talk. The moment I saw you, I knew it was best not to.”
“Why?”
“What’s the point? I made you the way you are.”
“And that is?”
“The women. The parties. The booze. Probably one night stands. God knows if you’re listing them on your notes like some sort of merit, Tee. Did you leave just to do all those things?”
If Tee had learned anything when he left his house, he realized he was a coward. When Tae came around, Tee wanted out of it. He was damn confident he’ll be alright but with Tae, he realized he kept feeding himself lies—that he was feeding himself with what everyone expected him to turn out to be that leaving home became pointless. But even though he has been changing for the better, Tee is still not sure if he’s doing it for himself. He had lose the person that was the reason he left.
“Even so, there was no point living in that house when you told her about me.”
June heaved a sigh. “I didn’t mean it. Stop ruining yourself, Tee.”
“You ruined me, June!” His voice was still hesitant but coherent and louder against the noise from the background. “You don’t have any rights to tell somebody, especially my own mother, about my own sexuality. You don’t come out for me!”
“That wasn’t what I was trying to do! You cheated on me and I told her about it.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?! Why do you have to tell my mother about our problem?!”
She fell silent and then there were small sobs. She gently wiped his eyes but it ruined her mascara. There was a moment of tension then her hiccups before she spoke, “Because I was mad, o-okay? I was beyond r-raging because I w-was shown a v-video and y-you were k-kissing him! Do you k-know how e-embarrassing that was? I was a-ashamed because no matter who t-that was, you kissed s-somebody while you’re with me! How could you?!”
It was Thursday when the news broke out that a respectable teacher’s son had kissed another boy in the music room. It had spread like wildfire and everybody was trying to find out who the boy was. Tee already had the worst day with his wet uniform and his mudded shoes because of the rain, but the gossip made his mood gone sour. He had hated himself long before Chai had punched him straight on his jaw and June found out from whoever because he was the boy.
Tee never expected to find solace with his clubmate, Kris, nor did he realized he was that kind of person. He never had his own definition of love but he remembered their shared moments and how they were entirely different from June. The mere brushes of their shoulders, their mellow talks of aspirations, their teasing eyes and soft hands—he felt that was it. It was almost heavenly and wholesome, and he only discovered all of that as a significant part of him when Kris had leaned for a kiss—finding that piece in him at the wrong time and on the wrong person.
Anything that Tee could say at the present would only feel like an excuse but he knew he had all those years to be guilty about what had happened, so he replied meekly, “I never thought things would go south because it happened so fast. I wasn’t ready to face what I had just realized within myself and out of all the people that I thought had understand me the most, you were the one who just had to tell my mother about it.”
She kept sniffing but didn’t say anything for a while. “It never crossed my mind that you would get kicked, but you didn’t have to cheat on me, Tee.”
He sighed as he ruffled his own hair into curls of mess. He looked at her, eyes filled with regrets, as he held her delicate hands. Warmth swarmed their whole body, shaking them in nostalgia. “Trust me when I say that I have loved you but sadly not in a way you’d expect, but again, it never became the reason as to why I did what I have done. Even if I didn’t think it was possible, I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you. I wasn’t a good best friend and a boyfriend.”
June hang her head low but kept her grasp tighter in his hands before she threw pathetic punches on his chest, cursing him endlessly, and Tee never stopped her from doing so. She hated him and he knew she would. Knowing June, he knew he deserved far more than punches. If she could, he would be swimming with sharks or he had been choked to death by now. Just when Tee thought she had enough, he wrapped her around his arms and held her dearly. She let her tiresome arms hang around his torso as she cried to his white dress shirt.
They stayed in such position before she sniffed and said, “I already knew that but somehow, hearing it directly from your mouth really hurts.”
“I didn’t know any better, to be honest. I just know I liked being with you.”
“But…when you kissed Kris…”
He unconsciously played with her fingers. “He kissed me. I wasn’t able to respond, but he…showed me it’s possible to be interested in him—in guys.”
She gulped but said nothing.
Her tears kept on running down her cheeks and he didn’t even realize until that moment that he was also crying. She tightly held his gray coat as Tee kept his head hang low. He didn’t want to look at June any longer than he should. It has been a long time since he had expressed his true feelings—about what he truly thinks, but he was always good at concealing it.
“What are you trying to prove now?”
“Prove what?” he asked, confused.
“Sleeping with women. What are you trying to do with that?”
He shook his head. “I-I don’t know. I didn’t want it. I never wanted it.”
“Then, why are you doing it? Why are you always acting so recklessly?”
He held his head up to look at her and said, almost like a whisper, “I realized if I did it, then maybe I can forgive myself for being me.”
He knew why he left in the first place.
It was clear that his mother did not approved of him and at the same time, the guilt of kissing somebody he never expected gnawed his mind, thus made living in that house become a pure nightmare and he could never imagine himself staying any longer. But, leaving also made him want to prove to everyone that he was still the same, that he can still fit in, and he made himself believe that this was the right thing to do—but June was right; he was destroying himself in the process.
And perhaps, Tee knew that. Unable to approach June from his infidelity, he was stuck with his regrets and anger, thus became addicted to sexual intimacies to numb everything else. Phichit was the first of his friends to know about his activities and was even stopped at some point but Tee, stubborn as ever, continued on. When Tae became an important option to save him from his destructive behavior, he was no longer consumed—though he could still feel the desire of his own flesh like any normal person but he held back—from his ‘hobby’ to save his job, and slowly, himself.
“I’m sorry.”
“I forgive you.”
She shook her head. “I was ignorant of what you would feel and you’re right, I should’ve talked to you first because it is our problem. It may not mean a lot but from the bottom of my heart, I’m really sorry.”
There was a lot to say but all he could ever mutter was, “I know.”
“You don’t have to do it anymore, Tee. You’re going nowhere with what you’re doing.”
“I’m not doing it anymore—or actually, I was forced not to do it again and now, I’m trying to stay away from any possible interactions.”
“You needed that little push.”
He felt her soft fingers holding his face as if he was a porcelain doll. The tears blurred her pretty face but her thumbs wiped them away. Her lips formed into a smile before looking out at the glass doors to spot Tae having a discussion with Chai. He followed her gaze at the same time Tae felt the stare and had also glanced at their direction. She stared back at Tee and said, “You know I believe in fate and destiny, right?”
He chuckled a bit. “Twin flames and red strings too.”
“He must be important to you,” she said, referring to the co-actor at the hall.
“I wouldn’t say he’s that word—”
“—Sure, Tee. I’ll believe that. I was just thinking maybe he helped you.” He could never admit Tae has been an important person ever since they had an agreement but he doesn’t know what she was implicating.
“What are you trying to tell me?”
Right on time, the glass door opened and Tae, standing behind it, said, “Tee, we’re called to go. Apparently, some guy with a big camera wanted to barge into the party.”
“Hold on,” he said before looking at June. He held her hands and gently pulled them from his face, “I’m sorry about what I’ve done to you. I hope you can forgive me.”
She looked directly into his eyes for a moment, as if she was trying to find something in him, before her face turned somber. “Six years. We parted for six years. I hated myself for losing you but now, hearing your side of the story, we have each other to blame.”
“We had all the past years to blame ourselves, June.”
She pursed her lips. “I hate you, Tee.”
“I know.”
“I could’ve let you get eaten by savage dogs.”
“You would.”
“I could’ve thrown you in the Bermuda Triangle.”
He snickered. “Sure.”
She wrapped her arms around him as she laid her head against his chest for one last time, hearing his calm heartbeat, and whispered, “But I forgive you.”
“Thank you,” he whispered unto her ear, wrapping her into his arms. “I still have fusing hormones but I’m trying to change. Best believe me on that.”
She pulled back but kept her arms around and smiled. “And I’m proud of you and your friend for probably helping you on that one,” she said before looking at the same person behind the glass door, patiently waiting for Tee. She, then, loosen her embrace and removed the lock from her necklace before handing it over to his palm, and closing it to seal it inside his grasp.
“What are you doing?” he asked, puzzled.
“Returning what was yours.”
“Didn’t you tell me it’s the only thing that you have from me?”
She nodded. “But I…never had you in the first place, anyway.”
“June.” His voice was filled with sadness.
“Keep it. I will remember this night as my memory of you,” she insisted. “Oh, I also remember him. He used to be a tutor in my university and taught one of my friends. You should look out for him. All I know is that he’d dealt something big that he’s struggling with right now.”
Before Tee could even ask the specifics of her knowledge about him, his bodyguard had already arrived and he was forced to say one more goodbye to June and to Chai before being escorted with Tae beside him. He held the necklace tight as they threaded their way outside of the hall and into the back door of the hotel where their van was waiting for them.
As soon as they were safely inside the vehicle, Tee opened his hand to reveal the same turquoise necklace and he stared at it as enjoyable memories came flooding his mind. Nobody said anything during the ride, not that there was anything to say because of obvious reasons, but they felt relaxed and comfortable, knowing they have each other. It was, then, the exhaustion kicked in.
Tee laid his head on the older man’s shoulder who adjusted his sitting position to be on the same level as him. The latter gave him his handkerchief before gently brushing his hair which took him by surprise but he didn’t mind the gesture. He even chuckled before giving in to his body’s plead to sleep, and that was enough for them to know that this was it—things are going to change from that point onward but they now have each other to conquer all.