Chapter Text
May 22, 2021 - 10 Downing Street
"Mummy, why does Europe hate us so much?" Hilda said as her eyes were glued to the screen of the television set. Her parents had just decided to let her watch the Eurovision Song Contest for the first time.
However, Hilda's first Eurovision was not as perfect as her parents expected. They had both expected the United Kingdom to do well that year, and the betting odds had all pointed out to the UK finishing with a good placing.
Yet, reality had other plans for the UK.
That, being the United Kingdom receiving 0 points from both the televote and the jury vote.
"Hilda, Europe doesn't hate us." Theresa carefully explained, "It's just that not enough people in Europe voted so that we could gain a point or more."
"But we got 0 points!" Hilda protested, "They don't like us!"
"Hilda sweetie," Philip said, "The Eurovision voting system is quite complicated. A country needs to gain a certain number of votes before they can earn a point. For the jury voting, for example, a country has to place between the 1st and 10th place of the entire jury for them to gain anywhere between 1 point and 12 points."
"How do you know that?" Hilda asked with her arms crossed.
"Arlene Foster was in the British jury last year. She told your mummy and I everything about how jury voting in the Eurovision works." Philip explained to Hilda. Arlene, the Northern Ireland First Minister, had been a wedding singer in her youth - and somehow, the BBC thought that it was a good qualifier for someone to be picked as a jury member for the UK. Then again, other countries have done worse and picked completely unqualified people to be in their juries. At least the UK chose someone who tried to have a music career.
"Well one day, I'm going to make the United Kingdom win the Eurovision!" Hilda declared much to the awe of her parents - who were now thinking that she is either going to sing for the United Kingdom at the Eurovision, produce a Eurovision entry, or give becoming the British Head of Delegation to the Eurovision a go.
May 24, 2021 - Cabinet Office, 10 Downing Street
"I know, it's been tough on all of us." Nicky Morgan, the Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport said, "We went into the Eurovision season thinking that we would get into the Top 10 only for us to end with no points for the second time."
"Well, do you have any idea how to fix this mess?" Amber Rudd, now the Foreign Secretary asked, "Media here is blaming Brexit. Eurovision fans from EU countries are joking that maybe we shouldn't have left the EU if we didn't want to be pointless."
Theresa could not help but think about the conversation she had with her daughter two nights ago...the one where she got so upset at UK getting 0 points that she vowed to make the United Kingdom win the Eurovision. Her four year old's frustration was shared by the rest of the United Kingdom. They were all upset that the UK got no points, and they all want a go at getting the UK to win again, to make up for this mess that is 0 points.
"That being said, I propose that we get the BBC to re-evaluate its contract with Sony BMG for the Eurovision internal selection." Nicky went on to say, "If we really want to make something serious out of Eurovision, we need to step up. Europe did not vote for us because of Brexit. Europe did not vote for us because there are simply better songs competing. We have to be competitive."
"And what do you propose?" Philip Hammond, the Chancellor of the Exchequer asked. Right there, Nicky could swear that Hammond would rather have the UK do badly in the Eurovision again than see it win - because a British win means that the UK has to spend more. Winning the Eurovision seemed to be the greatest fear of many Finance Ministers because it means more national spending.
"We're telling the BBC to bring back the national final - and this time, with some changes like the international jury that the Swedes use in their national final." Nicky went on to say, "And actually having undiscovered British talent compete in it. Not just signed artists or people who have already competed in televised talent shows before."
Islington, London
"Damn right I'm going to take a shot at representing the UK at the Eurovision if it means that we'll win this thing next year!" Jasmin Alvarez, Jeremy Corbyn's niece and Hilda's biological mother, announced to her friends.
"You have to be kidding us!" Catherine, one of Jasmin's friends said.
"Well my boyfriend was in the British delegation this year!" Jasmin said, "At least I have someone who'll teach me the ins and outs of doing Eurovision."
"That's not enough, though." Patricia, another friend of Jasmin's said.
"Well my daughter's adoptive mother is none other than the Prime Minister." Jasmin added, "If she thinks I'm good enough, the rest of Britain will."
"Well that's what the Prime Minister also said about James Newman." Patricia replied, "And look how that ended up for us?"
"Well that's beyond the Prime Minister's control!" Jasmin commented, "James can't sing live. The Prime Minister can't do anything about that. The BBC sure as heck can't do anything about that either."
"Girl, you'll lose to a Polish singer." Catherine said as she chuckled, "James lost to Rafał even if James had the better song according to some fans and music critics. Poland literally has 170 more points than we do at the Grand Final - and that's only for the televote."
"That's because Rafał can actually sing and James cannot." Jasmin said in a haughty tone as she eyed on Catherine.
"Well you know who else is as bad as James at singing but did better than he did?" Catherine asked, after which, there was a brief moment of silence. Then Catherine continued, "Natalia Gordienko."
"Well, Moldova's votes were a product of rigging." Jasmin explained, "Philip Kirkorov is a questionable man. He had been ejected from the Russian jury before for that reason. What makes you think he didn't resort to questionable tactics this year to get Moldova to have a lot of 12s?"
"Fine, you win." Catherine said, "Go get that Eurovision trophy, girl!" she added in a genuinely enthusiastic tone.
"If you need a make-up artist, I'm in!" Patricia told Jasmin.
Jasmin smiled contentedly, knowing that she has her friends behind her in her journey to reclaim British glory at the Eurovision Song Contest. Now, it was up to the rest of Britain to back her on her journey.
As for Hilda, a precedent has already been set for her.