Twilight Ends When Lavender Falls

Trigger Warning:
This is NOT the LAST CHAPTER- though that was the original plan (sorry, guys~~).
The EPILOGUE is the absolute FINAL chapter. I tried to put it here- but it goes beyond the allowable length. So I decided to have it in a separate chapter instead. I should be able to post it by the end of May, together with my other fic updates.
I know I"m 5 months behind- but life got in the way as it usually does.
Now I know this is SOOO late- but HAPPY 8th ANNIVERSARY ZESTY! ^_^
At first, I thought of writing a typical vampire story that excuses all sorts of violence. In most fiction, vampires have been depicted as deviants with depressing obsessions and backstories. Nothing wrong with that concept, tbh. I just wanted a vampire fanfic loaded with you-know-what.
Like all the others, this story started writing itself. Still, it was essentially my fascination with the original ToZ that spurred me on to experiment with its fractured boundaries. I started asking what kind of character Sorey might have been if he were shoved into a universe where there is more evil than good- and he"s part of that evil.
In contrast, we see in Zestiria how Sorey deals with the EXTERNAL manifestations of the malevolence. He starts out as a pure and noble soul untainted by human sin- an angelic existence straight out of Eden.
I think Zesty"s appeal comes from the "deep" simplicity of this premise. It tells us that genuinely enlightened saviors are hardly human themselves. They would have to be like Sorey- a human raised in an alien world untainted by the evils of human society.
But as a "superhero" tale, Zesty goes beyond the plot conveniences of virtually ALL superhero fiction. In the conventional superhero universe, heroes only get stronger as the story progresses. The plot revolves around obstacles that only get harder in order to show how much stronger the protagonist can become until he"s ready to save the world.
Zestiria adopts some of that- then dumps the rest into the ideological sewer.
Zesty forces us to look at the bigger picture with a sense of irony. TRUE EVIL IS HUMAN. That"s why it can only be defeated by a human heart that sees beyond human limitations and prejudice- but Zesty pushes it to include other sacred cows- like sex and gender.
Sorey"s asexual ambiguity relates to this point. Instead of "castrating" him as other fiction might when they use "pure heroes" who seem oblivious of sex and romance, the story throws hints that shepherds and spiritual beings are NOT celibates. They can have relationships and families- so whether they do or don"t is a matter of choice, not of duty or obligation.
This approach writes off the sexual taboos and prejudice of our times. Purity equals compassion- it"s a "spiritual" not a physical state of being. Sexuality is not an issue if you have the open-mindedness to consider that virtue has no sex or genitals. It"s a mindset and a personal choice- which means who your consciousness chooses to be with is entirely up to you- not anybody else.
Furthermore, Zesty puts a spin on brute superhuman strength as the hero standard. Sorey"s power is not a product of highfalutin" accidents (e.g. X-Men, Spiderman). Neither did he "acquire" such powers permanently, turning him into a "complete hero" package (e.g. One Punchman)
Sorey"s powers are "borrowed," making his identity absolutely independent of, and uninfluenced by, these powers. Instead of the power leading him on to become a hero (e.g. Marvel/ DC formula), he chooses to be a hero and ONLY THEN is he given these powers.
Zesty"s driving point is simple but loaded with irony: saving the real world is almost impossible since there"s no one like Sorey. There"s no human who can set aside all human prejudice and self-interest to do what more persuasive heroes have failed to do. Sorey didn"t follow the "popular" standard- he"s not a hero of justice trying to balance right and wrong or a warrior seeking revenge for the abuse and oppression he suffered. He doesn"t fall prey to dichotomies- reason vs. emotion, the individual vs. the collective.
Sorey lacks our persecution complex. He wants to "understand" rather than condemn- and develops his own moral compass from there.
Some questions I had in mind while writing this fic were:
What if Sorey is someone who"s inherently good- but that goodness was bent, twisted, and tarnished by the same idealism the world wouldn"t allow him to defend, much less apply even if only for his own personal happiness?
What happens when you throw Sorey into a cave of rabid wolves that refuse to devour him- while demanding that he torture and devour others as if he"s one ruthless wolf himself?
What if Sorey were honest enough to put his own feelings first?
What if Sorey, rather than Mikleo, was the one who got left behind?
If true love waits, until when can it wait?

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

WARNING: MORE NOTES. You can skip this and proceed to the story down below.

ABOUT WOLFE"s character: All right. Before I dissect this, let me just say: the WORST thing an author can do is to tell his reader how to interpret his work.

One option, however, is to give his own analysis to clear up misunderstandings- and to leave it at that.

But let me digress for just a minute-

The realm of interpretation is part of the public arena. If we stretch this point further, it"s the same reason that no one can pressure BNamco to confirm anything in favor of either side of the fandom (Sorey x Alisha vs. Sorey x Mikleo). In fact even if they may resolve such debates, there"s absolutely no need to- and it"s the last thing a producer or writer should concern himself with.

Interpretations are the stuff that makes a work what it is, and that responsibility falls on readers and audiences. As far as criticism is concerned, the author is figuratively "dead." But what"s more important is the notion that-

The less debate there is on the substance of a piece of fiction the more likely that it has NO impact on anyone- and that is what makes it mediocre by any standard.

Ambiguities, conflicting readings- these are the stuff that reveal to what extent a piece of fiction is "substantial." That"s why consensus among fans that their favorite is "the best" (the way One Piece, Naruto, and Bleach fans blatantly crush anyone who disagrees that they deserve to be in the top 3) is probably the least accurate criterion for judging substance. Why?

In the realm of public opinion where standards are subjective and relative, popular means consensus among those with similar tastes. Put ten people in a room with eight of them loving chocolate, and you"ll end up with vanilla or strawberry being the most unpopular ice cream flavor- because 80 percent of the sample population is chocolate-biased.

In other words, popularity is a matter of QUANTITY, NOT QUALITY- so it"s best not to get carried away by popular consensus.

Now, going back to the real topic of this discussion...

About Wolfe- I realize he"s the ONLY character that"s open-ended. We know Sorey and Mikleo belong together. It"s no secret that as SorMik fans, we love to explore dimensions of that romantic equation within those "predictable" limits.

That makes Wolfe the only character I can explore in LESS predictable ways to come up with an ending that hasn"t been tried before- whether or not this is an accurate assumption. In any case, Wolfe provides me with a key to a somewhat different exit for Sorey. For obvious reasons I can"t spoil you any further than this- so let"s leave it at that.

As for the WOLFE x SOREY romance- I have 3 reasons for developing Wolfe"s character in this direction:

1. For me, love should be a choice rather than some "default" operation of cosmic laws. In other words, even as soulmates, Sorey and Mikleo must exercise some degree of freedom in choosing each other- instead of just being naturally "stuck" with each other as the anime hints (though it may have been hinted in reverse- as when Sorey eventually ends up looking for Mikleo and reuniting with him the same way he did in the game).

Saying that choices should play a part doesn"t always mean letting the MCs "play around" just to prove they"ve got choices (although this can be interesting in itself ^_^ ). In any case, it"s just like Zestiria giving Sorey a potential harem- only for him to end up choosing Mikleo.

In fact, even without Alisha and Rose being eliminated by natural means (death) or Sorey being "immortalized," we can say that the game carefully and subtly pointed out to us that Sorey had choices. Even when Alisha, Rose, Lailah, and Edna were around, Sorey appears to be consistently interested and attentive ONLY to Mikleo- which makes him the logical "one and only" for Sorey.

So circumstances being equal (Wolfe getting exclusive time with Sorey just as Mikleo had), Sorey must be capable of making his own choice instead of being "stuck" with Mikleo.

2. Wolfe- for everything he"s done for Sorey and Mikleo- deserves to be more than just plot device. He deserves some character development- one that allows him to grow from his own mistakes.

Of course he has flaws. After all, as it is in the real world, people who find true love aren"t perfect human beings. Finding true love has nothing to do with knowing how to love- and it"s the reason we have stories of true love that end up in disaster. It"s just tragic when you find the real thing only for you to lose it because of circumstances beyond your control or beyond your level of maturity to handle.

3. I sympathize with Sorey"s and Mikleo"s hardships- including their mistakes and obsessions that cannot be reversed so easily. Most of us probably have obsessions differing only in degrees of intensity. Good or bad, breaking free from obsessive compulsions is never easy. It takes tons of hard work, patience, and self-awareness.

On another note, there"s a difference between people who make mistakes and try to become better human beings when they realize what they"ve done- versus people who actually enjoy their mistakes and treat everyone like an insect- because the world is their personal playground, and their rules are absolute.

I think Wolfe belongs to the former, not the latter setup. He may be confused- he may resort to violence because he"s never known how NOT to- but like the rest of us, he probably doesn"t understand what provokes him to do the things he does until unexpected things happen. Maybe he doesn"t know the full extent of Sorey"s despair- because he"s never experienced loving the same person again and again only for that person to be brutally taken away each time.

In many ways, Wolfe is more similar to Sorey and Mikleo than meets the eye. Even so, I"d like to think each of them is unique in how they try to move beyond these obsessions. Just like in the real world, character development depends on the connections we make with other people- the way Sorey and Mikleo"s lives can"t subsist in a vacuum. Their lives being connected to Wolfe"s, their struggles are part of an intricate web with their own unique consequences.

In any case, any interpretation is personal- so I leave it all up to you to be the judge. All I can do is explain how this story came to life. Once it is written, the audience becomes the master, I"m just another opinion.

As a final note, I hope the last two chapters are forgiven for being what they are. ^_^ Again, thank you so much for reading~~

o------------o)O(o------------o

I remember a meadow one morning in May

With a sky full of dreams that sailed in that day

I was dancing through greenwaves of grass like the sea

And for a moment in time I could feel I was free...

There are waves of forgiveness... and waves of regret

And the first waves of true love I"ll never forget

In the meadow that morning as I wandered alone

There were greenwaves of yearning for life still unknown...

Take me home to the meadow that cradles my heart

Where the waves reach as far as you can see

Take me home to the meadow... we"ve been too long apart

I can still hear you calling for me...

What I"d give to remember that heavenly state

Just a moment in time all mine to create

As I"m taking my last breath I know what I will see

There"ll be greenwaves forever... out there waiting for me...

- originally by Secret Garden, "Greenwaves,"

performed by Grecian Urn for Inferno"s Ballad

o------------o)O(o------------o

December 2882

... back at the barracks

"Hey, whatccha doin" here so early?"

Emerald eyes would have looked up to find me wandering into the office where most of the official business with the commander gets done. In my mind, their owner must be saying Wolfe- not now, I"m busy.

But not getting an answer, I decided to invite myself to the couch, taking in the view from there.

Not like I"d find anything interesting other than Sorey treating me like decoration. Given the fact that we"ve both been relocated here at the United Front headquarters, which, by the way, sits on top of a mountain range, I"d say this is the worst place for spending the holidays.

Just two days ago, the enemy blew up the pass through which most of our food stock and supplies get here. It"s reason enough to keep everyone on the alert for the past forty-eight hours. And to think Christmas is just around the corner.

With a sigh, I put my feet up the coffee table, crossing my arms on the back of my head. Outside the window, there"s nothing to see but frost. I look around me- and make a grimace.

So the war"s happening all over again. Worse than kids in daycare trying to smash each other"s sandcastles, we idiots have a penchant for self-annihilation.

Right now my hunch is that Sorey"s pouring over a bunch of blueprints. I heard we"re expecting new tanks to arrive in time for the new offensive that everyone"s been ridiculously raving about. Even if it"s supposed to be classified, I can"t help overhearing every secret thought. After all, if there"s anything vampires are good at, it"s reading every godawful mind that"s open and unguarded.

Of course that sounds criminal. But why should we even give a damn? We"re soulless creatures- we"ve no obligation to have any moral sense of guilt. The idea of personal space- a sanctuary where we can be ourselves in the most secret, intimate corners of our minds- may sound sublime, but in truth, it"s ridiculously shallow the moment you begin to imagine how the world would be a better place if we understand each other without needing words.

Words let us harbor dishonest thoughts. I mean, isn"t that why we"re all godfucking liars down to the marrow of our bones? Even for demons, the need for convoluted words is just an outdated convenience- especially when you realize that our level of shame beats anything ever conceived by the human mind.

But this rant"s getting old. If I"d be fucking honest right now, the only idiot I wanna read right now is that guy who"s been ignoring me ever since we got here.

The real problem is, I don"t even get the hype for this war. It doesn"t help either that Sorey"s just been promoted to commander for all special operations missions. That explains why he"s at it like the honor student that he"s always been- while ignoring any attempts of mine to steal his time.

Not like I"d let that pass. So with deliberate carelessness- which God knows I couldn"t be blamed for- I let my boots overturn an entire inkstand, spoiling a pile of paperwork sitting next to it. It looked bad, but at least I got the attention I was thirsting for. Sorey finally looks up from his flurry of maps with suppressed annoyance- as if his kid just asked for detention time.

I can"t deny that something inside me gets easily aroused by that look on his face. Though his irritation was hardly my aim, at least it didn"t give me any sense of deja vu. No offense- but the last thing I wanted was to be bothered with memories of us and Lord Rulay doing what we used to do back when we were working for the League and the Confederate.

Humans might think seven hundred years is a very long time but- with the way things are, this I can say- nothing much has really changed.

Meanwhile, Sorey pushes my feet off the table, clearing it of the mess I"ve made. He hasn"t spoken a word. Guess if I had known any better, I would"ve taken that as a warning.

Cold green eyes flicked a look at me- then it"s gone. He checked his watch and pulled out a fresh batch of files from a drawer. Sitting by the window which was the corner farthest from where I was, he lifted pages one by one noiselessly, assuming I wasn"t even around staring holes right through him.

"Dammit, Sorey- give me your position!" I grated sarcastically, trying to sound like I was joking. But to be fucking honest, these soundproof walls are driving me nuts. The emptiness felt threatening- like an avalanche hurrying to bury you alive if you dare break the silence. The mountain of paperwork between us never seems to get tired of taking Sorey farther and farther away from me.

Just like this stupid war. That"s not to say some actually make sense. All wars are just an excuse for tiring out the human spirit... so the psychos who started them could finally inherit the earth and live out their narcissistic fantasies.

"Wolfe, just leave if you"re not helping."

Finally, Sorey said something before I could do anything I might regret. I dragged a chair to his desk so I could put my foot up where he could really see it.

"You think you could get rid of me that easy when you and I haven"t done it for days? I was hoping we could slip out early so I could start counting."

"Counting what?"

"I want to do cat-and-mouse with you at least twenty times tonight."

Sorey gave me one of his expressionless gazes- something he seemed to be doing a lot ever since we moved out here. "If you have the stamina for it, try doing a perimeter sweep of the area around here-"

I grabbed his wrist before he could drag his index finger around the red circles marking the said perimeter on the map. Seeing him flinch, my demons were morbidly aroused. I pulled the darn finger to me, sucking in the temptation to bite it off. I pushed it into my mouth, rolling my tongue on all sides of it, hoping for a moan I haven"t heard all week.

It"s crazy- but that perverse wishful thinking was pure bullshit, if nothing else. You see, I"ve never heard Sorey moan- not even once- even when I"m ramming and pounding into him like it"s our last night in the world.

"Wolfe, stop." The voice he used was uncharacteristically stern- enough to make me look up. "I"m seriously trying to give you specifics that can minimize damage on our side and save your tank unit a lot of trouble-"

"Shit, commander- if we wanted to stay out of trouble, we wouldn"t even be here. Besides, is there even a war that"s clean and safe?"

Seriously, if Sorey punched me on the face for that, I"d probably give my other cheek and call it amusing. But he didn"t even bat an eyelid.

"We"ve been through this before, haven"t we?" From the way he said it, I knew I must be getting on his nerves. Insanely satisfied, I felt myself chuckling.

"Oh yeah? The only reason I dragged my ass back here is to see how long my cock can stand this freezing hell with you."

"Hey-"

"Though I"m curious if this cave can even handle another air raid. Bet it can"t be louder than me humping your ass behind these walls- so that"s one worry out of the way for sure-"

"Can I have your attention for two seconds?"

I winked at Sorey. "How about the rest of me? Want that too?"

"Stop changing the subject. You do realize that a bird"s eye view of the target is indispensable to avoiding collateral damage."

Fuck. I hate these mind games. Sorey is clearly trying to pretend he doesn"t get it. So I pulled his hand to me and shoved it down my crotch to give him an idea as to how hard I am.

"I"m damaged- but with a little attention I can be good as new."

"Wolfe-"

"Who needs to know the bigger picture about war anyway? If anyone clearly understands what"s going on behind those closed-door meetings and secret deals, every war will be over in five minutes."

"It"s just like you to oversimplify things."

"Hell, you"re complicated enough."

"I might have to lead a tank unit myself depending on the casualties on this mission."

That got me listening. Overall there"s nothing more I fear than Sorey getting real action in the open- even if one might argue that vampires suffer minimal to zero casualties.

Call me paranoid, but I hate for the commander to needlessly suffer in yet another stupid conflict. After all, immortality is not immune to injuries and pain. Definitely purebloods and firstbloods heal better and faster. They suffer minimal damage in comparison with halflings- but that"s not enough reason for any vampire to pit himself against cannons and gunfire or to literally bite every bullet.

With Sorey, I"m afraid of other things- like the buried past blowing up in his face in the front lines during actual enemy strikes. I remember how he lost his mind when he thought Captain Rulay"s tank had taken a massive hit during a desert operation. Back then we were moving against rebel government factions involved in terrorism and espionage across disputed League and Confederate territories. Don"t ask how we got involved in all that mess. The League and the Confederate back then were nothing but a bunch of alliances that divided the world in equal proportion to their egos. Territorial disputes over rights to exclusive economic zones were the real business dictating the politics of each or any alliance for that matter- but of course, there are various layers to it too.

The sophisticated mask hides rabid collusions induced by petty greed. The politics simply revolve around the question of which power should get more.

Humans are always insecure about their short lives, yet it"s funny that they won"t think twice about killing their own kind for a lion"s share of the riches of the world as if they"d live long enough to enjoy them.

While us vampires simply want one thing- a home to call our own. We aren"t crazy enough to kill for it "cause we can"t die for it either. We simply have to wait for humanity to give up- and what better way to do that than to help them slaughter each other.

Yeah, we"re traitors- but feeling guilty about it won"t change it. It"s just the way things work out for our benefit. Not like I care.

Besides, only a fool would call an ally a friend. Alliances are nothing more than stakeholders capitalizing on human conflict. Everyone"s more concerned with gaining control over the resources of the world by manipulating its so-called friends. If there"s anything that can keep these friendships from breaking down, it"s mutual benefit. No alliance is stupid enough to give kindness for kindness.

In essence we all want something from each other. The only problem is how to get what we want without throwing away our advantage.

Under the United Front, we"re up against the Throne"s former allies in the League and the Confederate. Call it betrayal- but isn"t it common sense to assume that nothing"s permanent but self-interest? Politics is just another word for human nature. Old ties and connections get redrawn all the time, depending on which side seems to promise more. Should this war favor the United Front, the Throne stands to benefit as its business partner. Obviously, either side owes the other a share of gains and losses- after all, even idiots know that the risk is only well worth it if no one comes out empty-handed.

There should be something for everybody, enough at least to warrant the Throne standing in the line of fire, hopefully for the last time. Without having to admit it, the Queen must have realized how the nobles of the old Throne had shrewdly left her with a depleted treasury, symbolically cutting off the limb that wields the sword. The fact is, absolutely no one declares a nation to the world while teetering on the edge of absolute poverty- which easily fuels discontent.

The new Throne needed a new alliance to oil its political machinery if it were to stand a chance against the loyalists aching to bring back the glory days of the old regime.

As it is, we"ve endured several setbacks beginning with the Queen"s reluctance to retake Babel from those bastards. It"s the ultimate reason Sorey had withdrawn to the shadows, unwilling to lend a hand to keep the new regime on its feet. If you ask me, I"m sure it had everything to do with the Queen negotiating something so valuable as to keep Sorey from acting on his own. If he could have his way, he"d have slaughtered every single one of the nobles behind the experiments. I knew as much how the conspiratorial dealings within the House delivered Lord Rulay to a fate filled with such abominable suffering that I hadn"t had the heart to call myself a pureblood since then.

There"s no forgiveness for the depravity of my bloodline- not like any right-minded ass would let anyone cross his line of fire without trying to shoot him even once. It would"ve been less repugnant, of course, were Lord Rulay the last victim of those experiments that the old Throne had notoriously swept under the rug for centuries...

Then again, whoever said that the last is always final? If I could be persuaded so easily by threats and warnings, I wouldn"t be here.

When I saw Sorey again later that day, it was almost midnight. He went to bed without bothering to shower and change into bedclothes.

Not that I"m complaining. His sweat smells clean- and his uniform has the scent of books and lavender- which he can"t get enough of. Even the bedroom must have a fresh batch of lilies at least twice a week- a stubborn reminder that even from miles away, some memories can"t be forgotten...

I slid a hand under his blanket. "Come "ere, I want you."

Sorey had his back toward me the moment he lay down to sleep. Of course he can"t be already asleep. I know Sorey to have serious bouts of insomnia... though he tries to hide it by making sure he"s lying down by the time I wake up. In truth he always gets up in the middle of the night to slip quietly out of the bedroom. Sometimes, I"d hear his footsteps treading softly into the balcony, the porch, or the garden as if he needed to be somewhere... in some awfully quiet and lonely place where he could commune in the shadows... with the ghosts of his past that the moonlight seemed to have a habit of calling out from their graves.

"I"m tired, Wolfe- and so are you."

"Stop with the excuses. Didn"t I say we"ll do it at least twenty times-"

"We have a meeting with the generals at seven. We barely even have time for breakfast."

I tugged off Sorey"s belt in seconds, unzipping him so I could dig my hands in, hoping to find his arousal waiting for me. "Who needs breakfast when I got you?"

Sorey pulled away, dragging his feet to a nearby couch. "You can have the bed. I"ll be sleeping here tonight."

I followed him to the couch, stripping myself bare in front of him. How could he not notice that I"ve been yearning?

"Touch me. We don"t have to kiss if you don"t want to..."

"I"ll pass."

"Sorey, you"ve been saying no for weeks. I"m starved."

"Didn"t I say we have a briefing-"

"Well, then, you leave me with no choice."

That night I had my way with him- and maybe I was harder on him than in most days. My battered ego couldn"t take any more beating- it crumbles to dust each time he rejects me with that one look that says it all.

Sorey"s never easy in and out of bed- but he seemed more tired than usual and didn"t put up much of a fight. As he slept in my arms I knew I"ve won. I could be happy with the thought that the commander wouldn"t have any excuses to leave my side to stare at the moon tonight.

For one night, at least I had him- all of him- in my arms, in a place where ghosts may not tread.

______________________________

March 2883

... bombs away

Every week just keeps getting worse. After rounding up the infidels and conducting massive airstrikes to powder every trench and tunnel that the enemy has built around our bases, I finally got the chance to see Sorey outside the barracks.

I asked if we could get some coffee. He told me his fifteen minute break was virtually nonexistent- and that he needed to hurry back into the briefing room.

I grabbed his neck and kissed him hard, biting his lip. I knew we agreed to keep our amorous exchanges to a minimum- and to leave no bruises. But I"ve been missing him since our quarters got separated. All the high-ranking officers were lodged in the same building that"s a stretch from where tank unit operators had been assigned. I hated the arrangement though I heard no complaints whatsoever from the commander"s end.

Says just how much I ache for his company while the same doesn"t bother him in the least. But then what right do I have to ask for more?

Maybe all lovers are suspicious- or maybe I just trust my instincts way too much. Whatever it is, I hate to spy on Sorey just to know what he does when he"s all alone without me.

I hate imagining him spending hours looking at the moon, idly reliving memories I have no part in. I hate the thought that he"s making love to a certain ghost summoned from the deepest, most depraved yearnings of his heart.

I"m jealous of everything that distracts Sorey. While I"m at my wit"s end trying to find excuses not to think about him every single minute of the day, all he"s ever bothered to think about is his chosen.

The thing I hate the most is the way Sorey makes me feel as if Lord Rulay is just around the corner watching our every move. I"m not into bullshit paranormal stuff- but I"ve heard that ghosts can manifest as if they"re no different from the living. It"s hardly surprising if we see ourselves the way science does- as nothing more than particles of matter or knots of ions and energies firing at some subatomic level. Combine that with the supernatural, and you might begin to understand how ghostly things might take the shape of the desires of those who conjure them.

Desires are energies after all.

To be fucking honest about it though, I don"t think any vampire has the power to summon ghosts from the grave or the underworld. We might wish it were the case- but we"re no whimsical wizards or warlocks. We may have a lot of time on our hands, but I could think of a million other fun things worth wasting one"s time on- and flying around in a cape waving a hammer or a wand ain"t one of them.

How I wish destroying the world is as simple as finding the right invocation on the pages of a grisly grimoire. "Cause if it is, humans won"t need our help to fuck the world one more time.

Pushing down these thoughts, I turn to Sorey.

"How was sleep?"

"Same as always. How about you?"

"You kidding? You know I can"t sleep without a good fuck."

"Remind me not to ask."

"C"mon, when"s the last time we did it?"

"Really, Wolfe- is that all you ever think about at a time like this?"

"I"d be flattered if I ask you the same question, and you say yes."

"We have that new reactor in the Pacific to worry about. As soon as they had a chance to flush that nuclear treaty into the sewer, they"ve become openly greedy about escalating this war."

"Hey, how about me taking you in my tank? We"ve never done it in there."

"You"re not listening, Wolfe."

"Who cares about those things? Let them blow each other up for all I care- humans never bothered to learn from their mistakes anyway- and they ain"t gonna if we"re always hangin" around like this, ready to save their stupid butts each time things blow up. Maybe if we stop being so nice they"d stop fucking things up for a change."

Sorey lights a cigarette. It was enough to make me stare- because it"s the first time I"ve seen him smoke ever. Back then I used to offer him a cigarette each time he caught me only for him to politely refuse without even thinking. Being reminded of how he was so different in those days was enough to get me concerned.

"Maybe we need to go out on dates more often."

"No need," Sorey mutters as he takes it deep. I watch the smoke curl as my fingers ache to do something that some part of me knows I might regret.

I grabbed his hand, pulled out the cigarette between his fingers and threw it down, crushing it with my boot heel. Sorey watched me with dazed eyes then proceeded to light another stick.

I pulled him by the neck and kissed him even when this time, I had to pull the unlighted cigarette out of his mouth with my teeth.

Sorey grabbed my tie like a leash as he pushed against me.

I gritted my teeth. "The fuck"s wrong with you? You tryin" to make me jealous by putting something else in your mouth?"

Sorey was livid- yet I could tell how much he"s trying to suppress the anger. "So you have a problem with me smoking? But kissing and making out is okay- even in the open like this?"

"You never smoked before. If being with me gives you this much stress-"

Emerald eyes gave me a hard stare that seemed to be burdened with years of unspoken cynicism. "No offense, but should I thank you for worrying? Is there any need to act the part we"re playing as if we mean it?"

I swallowed. "Who says I"m acting?" For some reason, this conversation is heading in a direction that doesn"t seem like I want to hear the rest of it.

"Like you keep saying, a contract is a contract. I can"t and won"t complain about how you want your end of the bargain satisfied- because all I need is some reassurance that when the time comes, you"ll fulfill your end of it... which I hope won"t be long."

I ended up punching the side of the tank behind us, barely able to suppress the urge to beat some sense into him. "Is that all that matters to you? After all I"ve done- no, God help me, I don"t want to go in that direction right now- but- listen- how can you even think about throwing your life away when this is all part of your doing? Have you ever asked yourself where all of us might have been right now if your future imperial ass didn"t come here to mess things up?"

"I"m sorry-"

"Well, no apology"s gonna cut it, commander!" I tell him, clenching a fist at him. Boy, am I mad- though Sorey hasn"t said anything I haven"t heard before. "I"m not here to lecture on you- but fuck, only kids can apologize without shame like it"s the best thing they can do because there"s nothing better they can do. You"re not even a weakling... quite the contrary you"re probably the only hope this world needs to get back on its feet."

Quite unlike the usual, Sorey seems calm and composed. "A promise is a promise, Wolfe. Let"s not argue on this."

I let out a groan. "Quit the nag. Even a sonafabitch like me can keep his word..."

Neither of us spoke for a minute. Tense, I took out a cigarette- but when I was about to light it, I was rudely reminded of how I tried to stop Sorey from smoking twice in a row so I ended up flicking it out of sight. I caught Sorey"s gaze following the path where the cigarette had landed.

Strangely, he stared at it for a few more seconds before looking away with what seemed almost like a smile.

"Look here, Wolfe," he breathed. "I don"t expect anyone to understand my feelings. If my choice is nothing but a stupid joke to you, I can accept that."

"You"re hardly a joke," I tell him, trying my best to sound sincere because I am. "Dammit, you"re loved more than you know... it"s just that knowing ain"t enough to change things for you. You"re more stubborn than the devil."

At that point, I heard Sorey laugh- but it was a sad sound that I swear I"d never want to hear again.

"Can"t argue with that. Besides, it"s not like this is getting anywhere... when we"ve both made up our minds not to change ourselves one bit."

"Yeah, so I"ll just fuck off and beat myself stupid, all right? See you later, commander."

I looked over my shoulder to see if Sorey would even bother to try and follow me- as if that"s ever happened. But what caught my eye was something I wasn"t quite aiming for either.

Sorey was gazing up at the sunset, searching the skies the same way Lord Rulay did- as if to catch the last light of the world before ending his life.

As if he felt my eyes on him, Sorey smiled a haunting smile, which was so brief it was as if I just imagined it. He nodded before looking sideways as if he"s worried that I"ve seen too much- all those little secrets he"s been trying to hide from me.

"Don"t stay up for me," he warned, knowing I was still around to hear it. "I won"t be back until midnight, and I have to be up by four."

Walking off, I raised my hand just to say I understood. But by now Sorey should know I"m never good at having people tell me what to do- that is, until the sirens went off about half an hour before midnight.

I was on my way to check up on Sorey when a huge explosion sent me crashing to a wall at least a hundred feet away.

I was shell-shocked- not that it could stop me from crashing through every single obstacle in my way with no other thought than to be by my commander"s side.

There were fires everywhere- with the initial casualties numbering to at least a hundred from the first airstrike alone.

I found out later that the commander took a fighter plane to make a sweep of the area around the base. Treaties have banned their use for military operations- but I guess being attacked the same way only means that the negotiations for the ban have collapsed. Still, there"s a limited supply of fighter planes on either side- intel revealed as much- and if not for Sorey being a high-ranking officer, I was certain no crazy asshole would let him jump into the cockpit against protocol restrictions to fly the meanest devil himself.

As for me, I was asked to deploy a tank unit- even if operating the damn machines was premature at best and self-defeating at worst. We haven"t been briefed on their full capacities and their operational limits- so it was dog-eat-dog on the ground with more of our tanks suffering damage more from the ignorance of their operators than from enemy counter strikes.

Flying with other planes serving as mere decoys to confuse enemy radars, the commander managed to force the enemy to a nasty retreat. I heard how his fighter plane was specifically designed to carry only one pilot. The craft was loaded with deadly ammo- state of the art weaponry that no one has ever had the chance to try in real combat.

I"ve overheard other officers saying it"s virtually a suicide mission. Hell, if it were that easy for vampires to commit suicide, Sorey and I wouldn"t be here. Every vampire is like a plane with an auto-pilot setting. The moment he contemplates self-harm, that inner instinct takes over to keep it from happening. The power works like hypnosis- but a magic spell seems somewhat closer.

There"s no use tricking your mind to perform deadly maneuvers while aiming for suicide. It"s how we realize our minds are not absolutely our own. Something controls us from outside the way the command of death does- a god bent on making fools of us all.

When Sorey got back from his rendezvous twenty-three hours after the initial blast, I was at the hospital getting bandaged for a leg injury that was hardly serious.

The commander walked in, unscathed and looking perfectly calm and composed as if he"s just supervised a routine drill.

I would"ve stood up to ask how he was, but he waved me off, saying I should stay put until given further instructions. Before leaving, he tapped the rim of his officer"s cap as if to say everything"s under control and that he"d be back later before the next siren.

The casual salute stirred a cold, uncanny feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hate these feelings "cause it doesn"t take a god"s insight to know they"re warnings that shouldn"t be ignored.

Forty-five days have passed, and the commander was still nowhere to be seen. If anyone had told me how the commander had crashed his plane on a mountain- or had flown halfway around the globe to detonate those nuclear reactors in the Pacific- I would"ve probably knocked the entire chain of command out cold. I"m never a patient man... and there"s nothing I hate more than being left behind clueless.

As if the gods were testing my endurance, news trickled slowly about what"s going on outside the base with the commander handling more than ninety percent of the United Front"s tactical offensive. The Queen and everyone else who had a hand in this were nowhere near enough to supply any specifics. Of course, it"s protocol that platoons and squadrons practice non-interference and keep to the missions within their units with the strictest confidence- so there"s little use trying to catch any information from any other officer around me.

Left with no other choice, I found myself storming a briefing, only to be met with gaunt expressions of exhaustion and outrage.

"Get out, Captain von Graf- you are not needed here-"

I punched my way through the commander"s office, throwing the guards past the point that guaranteed only minor injuries.

In the middle of the mess I was making, someone tried to hold me off. "Captain von Graf, have you gone mad? This perimeter"s off limits-"

"The hell- if you dare make me mad, I swear- I"ll put all of you in a place you can"t come back from!"

I was shocked when the Queen emerged from the room, followed by a red-haired beauty who seemed about ready to kill me.

"You try and hurt her Majesty, you fucking moron- and I"ll put you in a place you won"t like either-"

The Queen lifted a hand, her face suddenly grave. "Rose... thank you, but there"s no need."

I watch their expressions change from surprise to resignation.

I couldn"t keep my voice down despite the warning. "Look here- I just wanna know what the fuck"s goin" on! Sorey"s been missing for weeks! All I want is some answers- and I"m not leavin" "til you give me one, dammit!"

"We haven"t heard from him either- but I trust that he"s all right-"

"Trust?" I felt a nerve pop on my temple. "What the hell does that mean? The Throne fuckin" pulled us into this mess, and the military only has that to say? What shit do you take me for?"

The one called Rose spread her arms wide in front of me, blocking the Queen from view. "Let me remind you that you"re speaking to her Majesty!"

"Look, little miss redhead- this ain"t a courtesy call. I"m at the end of my sanity and patience- so quit tryin" to tell me being polite will make any difference!"

"Why don"t you try and calm yourself so you can talk through your brain rather than your ass?"

"Let me handle this, Rose," I heard the Queen say, pulling her aide back as she stepped forward with an expression that"s anything but welcoming. "Lord von Graf... I understand your concern. But I"m afraid there"s really nothing to report as to Commander Ravendalf"s whereabouts."

"Nothing sounds a lot when he"s been missing for a month and a half- in the middle of a war, your Majesty," I grated.

She looked away as if she knew I would say that. "For a fact, it was Sorey- the commander- who volunteered to undertake such a perilous mission even after objections not only from me but from our advisers."

I noticed Rose leaning over the Queen"s shoulder to whisper something. Excusing herself, the Queen left to speak with the officers in the briefing room, waiting for them to file out before signaling for us to enter.

Following her Majesty"s lead, the Queen"s aide clucked her tongue at me. I flinched.

"What"s your problem?"

"You"re shouting like a madman out there, humiliating yourself and her Majesty, no less. Of course, I couldn"t care less about you- but this operation is top secret- and you"re giving us away unwittingly."

I huffed. "Hell, blame it on yourselves for not bothering to clue me in. Besides, if they start talking, just wipe their memories clean- they ain"t smart enough to know what hit them anyway."

"For a captain you have a lot of nerve to say that. Or maybe you"re just an idiot."

"What the fuck do you mean?"

"How should I put it? United Front protocol dissuades us from using that skill without express consent."

"Hell? Isn"t that a funny thing to say? Those damn idiots can"t even tell what we"re up to unless we tell "em-"

"Exactly."

"You mean-"

The Queen seemed to catch on even though we"re whispering a few feet away. "As we speak, our intel"s confirmed that our allies have been infiltrated by spies operating against our better interests- spies who know and think exactly the way we do."

"You mean we"re up against other vam-"

The redhead groaned. "Don"t say the magic word "cause they hardly deserve it. After all, they"re traitors to our race."

It"s not like betrayal is a new thing- I"ve done it countless times. It"s the same reason I knew where the lines cross between the League and the Confederate back then. Sad to say, betrayal can work both ways- and there"s no better proof than the fact that the old and the new Throne benefited from such scheming tactics, allowing us, vampires, to survive the ruthless politics of the human world- one which conceitedly flattered itself with the thought that we"re the idiots being used.

"That said, you know the history of why we"ve been in conflict among ourselves for a long time, don"t you?"

I was reminded of that time the Queen and I managed to infiltrate Babel"s underground archives- and peruse classified information left behind by the old Throne in the wake of the uprising that solidified the Queen"s position as the sole ruler in place of the defunct Triumvirate.

I found myself suppressing a sigh. "The Windstalkers were a fine legion of warriors. We could"ve used them here- but sayin" it sounds like cryin" over spilled milk."

The Queen looked thoughtful all of a sudden. "I hesitate to tell the commander this- and yet he must have known that the experiments back then didn"t only concern breeding but also warfare... like creating- or rather, enhancing- bodies that can hold out against mortal injuries, which human weapons of this caliber can doubtless inflict and for which reason we have reservations fighting the enemy in the front lines like this. The same logic dictates why we have better chances participating in suicide missions..."

"Wait- that doesn"t make any sense-"

Her aide gave me a nasty punch on the shoulder. "Yes it does, you lame brain! If a mission"s suicidal, your instincts for self-preservation involuntarily takes over. It"s like running on autopilot without a quit button. Suicide lets you operate on a default defense mechanism that needs nothing else to protect itself."

I get it now. Since being immortal only guarantees natural longevity which doesn"t rule out death or fatal injuries from external causes- I mean, vampires can get killed if you blow them up with a bomb- we need to rely on that primal instinct for self-preservation. Whether it"s a twisted joke or a blessing, we can only be absolutely saved if we absolutely want to kill ourselves.

I guess that"s how suicide missions can work to our advantage. They arouse those primal instincts in such a manner that our conscious minds are forced to give our bodies over to it, suppressing anything that might inhibit it- like fear and overthinking. Put us in anything that serves as a moving target, in a desperate, suicidal situation where we"re left to ourselves, bombarded by the enemy on all sides, and that instinct takes control the way a driver does as soon as he takes the wheel.

Just imagining the commander flying on his own against an armada that wants to squish him like a fly- no wonder he was able to force a retreat despite overwhelming odds.

But that advantage ain"t fool-proof either. Just like any human out there, we"ve little chances of survival if we"re secretly targeted. If you bomb an entire base of vampires, we all die. And that"s also the reason vampires would rather hide their identities in these kinds of operations. It makes better sense for us to operate in the shadows- never in the open.

And now it dawns on me why Sorey had to fly solo in most of these missions. I gave the Queen a hard stare- though it seemed her worries were almost just as intense.

"I"m sorry for shouting at you, your Majesty- you know how being left clueless just fucking upsets me. But going back to what you were saying, it"s just odd. For as long as I"ve known the commander, he"s never done anything unnecessary-"

Oh shit. How could I forget? How many times have I seen Sorey do unnecessary things all in the name of love? It"s almost as if that sonafabitch was hurrying himself to end the war.

For the first time I wished I was wrong.

"Like I said, Wolfe..." For some reason, I found it strange that the Queen suddenly dropped the formality, her tone becoming oddly familiar. "I hesitated to tell Sorey this... but I guess he"s known all along. Among us, he"s the only one gifted with an immense power to use that instinct to its utmost limit- a limit with no equal among us- even you, Count von Graf. I guess we should hardly be surprised. After all, as the future emperor, Sorey"s meant to outlive us all... to survive against any ordeal no matter how impossible... and even if he didn"t choose it for himself..."

I bit my lip to that, doing my best to suppress an angry retort. "Yeah, I bet Sorey"s gonna be happy to hear about it."

Of course I meant it as sarcasm. But in truth, isn"t that what this is all about? For a man who had been wanting to die for the longest time, the commander seemed like the most twisted curse that ever came out of Pandora"s box.

On the surface it would seem he was only using his natural abilities for the sake of the mission- for the sake of the Queen and the allies she guaranteed protection to. But why would a man who truly wanted to die go to such lengths, knowing they ain"t enough to grant him his death wish?

Something just doesn"t seem right- and I know for a fact Sorey would never lie to me about something so important unless there"s nothing I don"t already know about the logic behind it. That sounds ridiculously confusing, but- ain"t liars the same people who know the truth more than anyone? No one lies about something he knows nothing about- so good liars must know exactly what people expect from the truth. They"ll take advantage of those common assumptions we all share about what the truth must sound like or look like, weaving their intricate web of lies out of the same fabric of delusions, falsehoods, and misguided conceits we deceive ourselves into believing.

Then again, that doesn"t say much about the determination of a future emperor seeking to escape a fate ordained by the greatest power of them all. Even if I hate the sound of it, I know- as the Zelthalla within me knows- that the will of the universe transcends all of us, our past, present and future. To deceive that higher power must mean having the means to lead it on- to make it believe that it knows everything about its enemy and can anticipate all its plans of deception. Then again, here"s the catch-

That kind of transcendental logic leaves any bastard no other choice but to put himself completely at the mercy of that power. And I guess no one knew it better than Sorey. He must realize there"s no other way but to surrender himself completely to such power so that it may know how antithetical and hateful his existece is. And against that blinding hate, nothing penetrates, not even the omniscent will of the universe or the Zelthalla...

Not even my all-consuming desire, which, I guess, must overlook the truth that we"re all blind one way or another, not because we can"t see that we"re being deceived, but because we know that the deception is more comforting than the truth that we already know. Maybe instead of hating that sonafabitch for trying to deceive me into all this, I should hate the commander for getting me to cooperate without even using the slightest deception.

On hindsight, maybe the worst liar is someone like Sorey... someone who never even tries to hide anything, knowing very well that the darkness within all of us is enough to keep us from seeing anything for what it truly is.

Fuck. That idiot knows it only too well, doesn"t he- that the only power you can wield against hate or love is using its own blindness against itself.

By the end of the third month, I was happily resolved to steal a plane from anyone- friend or enemy- just so I could fly away to find the commander. But then as I was heading to his office, hoping to catch some news, Sorey showed up out of nowhere as if he"d just been gone for a day.

That moment when I finally caught sight of him walking down the corridor to his office the way he"s done it a hundred times, I couldn"t hold myself back. I pulled him to me, kicking a door to the supplies room open so we could slip inside.

I kissed him hard, not bothering to check if he"s just as eager to see me again. By the way he passively received my advances, I could tell that nothing much has changed. Sorey"s the same unresponsive bastard who couldn"t care less what time of day I fucked him- because he"ll go about it as if he"s obliged to let me have my way.

But when my hand strayed to those intimate parts of him that I"ve missed so bad since he vanished without a word, he started struggling and kicking like it"s the first time I"ve done this.

Aware as I was that what we"re doing behind these walls was illegal and insane, I only got harder- so fucking hard I could ignore the obvious.

Sorey"s seriously mad- and it didn"t seem like he planned on being subtle about it either.

I lifted his chin to me in an attempt to be tender. God knows I"m doing my best to calm my urges even when I"m breathless and panting.

"What"s this, Sorey? You forgot all about me?"

"Wolfe- I just got back-"

"Are you hurt anywhere?" I tried to feel for wounds and injuries- after all there"s no war mission that"s not exposed to danger.

"I"ve taken care of it."

That surprised me. "What happened?"

"I was forced to crash land on an island. I had to lie low to avoid detection by the enemy. When reinforcements came, I was able to refuel just to fly back here."

I shook my head. "That"s why I keep tellin" yah- you don"t ever leave without me, Sorey. I don"t know what I"d do if I lose you-"

Suddenly, a realization gripped me. Sorey didn"t have to come back, did he? If he wanted to disappear from my life forever, he could"ve used that chance to get away from this war instead of following protocol and coming back here.

The insight was enough to make my body move on its own. I pulled him to me closer, hurting for a kiss.

"Stop." He gave me a hard, unflinching stare that looked as if he already made up his mind about what he was about to say a long time ago. "Wolfe, even without this war, you and I- you know we can"t stay together-"

I didn"t want to let him finish saying whatever it was- because I knew it will hurt too much to hear it. As if gripped by demons, I gripped his cock, wondering what it would feel if he grabbed mine too- instead of just looking away with an embarrassed face.

He pushed me away before I could kneel between his legs to take him all in.

"Wolfe- we can"t do this-"

"Fine, I know I should"ve waited for you in my room instead- as if you"ll ever come on your own."

"We can"t- not like this-"

I couldn"t understand what Sorey was trying to say. I know him to be stubborn but somehow, it seemed as if he was saying something worse than simply turning me down as always.

We"ve only been separated for three months- yet he"s returned like something or someone has changed him enough to be this cold and heartless.

I hated it. I grabbed him by the collar. "What do you mean can"t? Should I remind you-"

"Let"s not talk about that. It"s not like you have to remind me every single time I say no."

"The hell- are you tryin" to put the blame on me? Fuck, go ahead, make me feel guilty. It"s not like you didn"t push me to do this, thinking only of yourself- and what you can get out of it!"

"Just- I need to go-"

I slammed a hand on the wall behind him, refusing to let him pass. "Did you ever ask yourself what I feel- or are you just so caught up in your fucking misery you can"t even see you"re not the only one who"s hurting?"

He didn"t even flinch though my words were itching to do just that. On hindsight, that kind of shit felt more unnerving- and scary.

"You know it better than I do, Wolfe- no matter how many times I let you do this, there"s no way it"s enough. But even if we both know that- there"s nothing I could give that comes even close to the happiness you"re looking for-"

"The fuck you care about what makes me happy?" I could hear my voice rising several octaves. "You really think I"d want to be happy when I can"t be with you anymore?"

Sorey gave me a look that hovered between denial and despair- a look that seems to say he"s heard those words before- but not from me.

I had to let him go after that- because someone was knocking, making us almost ashamed to open the door. We probably looked pathetic- not like I could be bothered with that after acting like an ass. I couldn"t say if I should be grateful for the sound of another blast on the roof, scattering dust above our heads as the lights on the ceiling flickered as if in fear.

Sorey took off almost as soon as the effects of the blast let up- but not before issuing clear instructions for my unit to stay clear of the north side of the mountain. When I asked why, he only gave specific coordinates, saying they"ll guide me to an alternative route where our ground forces have started moving in the hopes of neutralizing specific enemy targets.

In a way it"s an indirect order for me to launch a support unit with what"s left of our tanks and ammo. I found myself grinning, already looking forward to more action. I guess no matter what he does or says to stir me up, I can"t hold on to my anger for long. I can"t deny that the commander seduces without even trying- simply by being the same ruthless leader that he has always been behind enemy lines. Calm, confident, and composed, he has a talent for belittling any danger or chaos as if he"s lived through all of them.

As if he"s learned to think of life as nothing more than flirting with death.

Later that evening, in that same crisp, military uniform I"ve seen him wear countless times, he told me not to wait up. He has a meeting until one in the morning, he tells me- and I should take a much-needed rest since I"ve more action to look forward to in the battlefield. It seems our dwindling supply of tanks and ammo has just been replenished.

I gave him a nod, having made the decision to calm myself the way Lord Rulay might be calm in situations like these. I realized how different we were, making me curious if the commander took those differences to heart.

As a pureblood, I could hardly be blamed for being a callous sonafabitch who tries to take anything he wants by seduction or force. Lord Rulay, on the other hand, seemed the kind who"d put up with anything or anyone so long as it didn"t bother him too much. He may be just as obsessive and needy- but he"d rather bear with the agony of not having his way than move mountains to try and take what he wants. I guess it"s why I"ve never seen him act like he owned Sorey- nor have I seen him try and seduce the commander out of jealousy to make sure no one else could steal his undivided attention.

And maybe it"s the reason Sorey followed Lord Rulay around like a shadow- "cause his apathy felt cold, isolating- it"s as if he"s always half a world away, content to drift from place to place like the wind. It seemed as if he"s always afraid that if he stayed longer by Sorey"s side, time itself might stop moving, and things will be at a standstill, abandoning the world to a state of perpetual chaos.

Live for me, Sorey...

Those parting words. I don"t know why but left to myself, imagining the commander next to me, Lord Rulay"s farewell kept whispering in my head.

Those thoughts would always find their way inside of me, as if summoned by some twisted miracle, to remind me of that night when Sorey held the captain in his arms for the last time.

Even if I wish it to be otherwise, I know for sure- such feelings can"t help but move even demons. I"d be some crazed idiot not to realize what the commander must have really been thinking all this time as I fucked his brains out, deluding myself into imagining I could fill the vacuum in his heart.

I"m sure that if it were all up to him, he"ll end the war tomorrow so I won"t be left with excuses to keep him hanging on.

Out there must have been hell- and seeing it with his own eyes, he must have reached a conclusion that couldn"t be farther from his blind, self-serving, nihilistic logic.

Since he got back, all he could think of was our contract sealed in blood. Maybe this war was part of his other promise- a chance to do something for humanity before that final moment when I grant him his wish.

He must be looking forward to leaving this world without regrets. After all, he"s done what he could for the world. There"s no way Lord Rulay could blame him for giving up the life he"s held onto for as long as he could- with a reasonable purpose that only loses its meaning when this war finally comes to a close.

For some reason, I found myself clenching my fists and cursing at Sorey.

It"s become clear to me that when Sorey said he can"t, he wasn"t just turning me down. He was reminding me of the only future he"s willing to settle for- a future I must accept with resignation because there"s no way he"ll ever let me change his mind about it.

I sound like an ass admitting this, but I bet he pitied me. He"s always known that my obsessive hunger for him could hurt me more than him in the long run. Sex, intimacy, anything I might have had with him- they"re nothing but painful distractions with no long-term benefits, only a lifetime of memories to regret.

Like the silence that mocks all empty grief, our moments felt like echoes. My relationship with Sorey felt long, hard, and slow- like a liability that could"ve been avoided for both our sakes if only I wasn"t too blinded by love to ignore his warning.

The worst part of it, I guess, was Sorey not caring if he was being a hypocrite. Didn"t it occur to him that his own blind love for his chosen was the reason we"re all tangled up this way? Acting like I was the only one doing this to myself was adding salt to the wound. Though I hate thinking about it, I"ve always feared and known that the end of the war shall be the day when Sorey comes to collect the promise I owe him..

By taking up all these impossible missions, Sorey seems to be making it clear- as soon as this stupid war is over, I"ll have no excuses left to deny him his one, true, hopeless wish.

All this time, he"s been hopelessly yearning and waiting for me to give him the command to die.

______________________________

2882- 2885: collected notes from Sorey von Ravendalf"s personal journal

The final days

I"m tired.

I"m tired of telling myself that there"s a way for Mikleo to return.

It"s been more than seven hundred years now. I can wait longer than a thousand if I have to... if that"s what it takes to see him again.

But then Wolfe gave me that letter. I abandoned everything after that fateful night- but visiting Mikleo"s grave means running into Wolfe at least once a year. In any case, it"s impossible not to have him open old wounds when his very presence reminds me too much of the terrible things that happened that day.

Even if my jealousy was aroused back then, I took the letter he offered as calmly as I could. After reading it, my mind reeled with even more questions.

I couldn"t understand why Wolfe had to wait for a hundred years after Mikleo had passed on to give me what was rightfully mine. In those years that I"ve missed him, I"ve always wondered what kind of cruel chances wouldn"t let one"s chosen say his final farewell.

Words have the weight of actions even if the latter can speak louder than words. I"ve always known I would"ve chosen a course of action that"s wiser than sinking into my grief had I read Mikleo"s final words sooner.

I would"ve covered Asgard in blood that same night. I would"ve rid the world of vampires right there and then.

It was unforgivable of Wolfe to rob me of my answer. He had no right to meddle with the consequences of Mikleo"s passing as if it was his life, his heart, on the line.

But then, I guess Mikleo must"ve known it better than anyone. He must have gambled on Wolfe making the best decision whether it"s right or wrong on my end. After all, Wolfe"s the only pureblood I know who"s ever escaped the judgment of the Throne and the prophecies. He"s proven himself predisposed to using that audacity of his in fairly unpredictable ways.

And Mikleo was right. Wolfe would"ve crossed me or anyone to do as he pleased- to keep me from losing myself that night.

If I"ve given in to my hideous rage, I would"ve burdened myself with more regrets. Somehow, I didn"t want to give up hope that I still have a chance at redemption... chances that keep alive the hope that Mikleo might return.

It"s the only reward I tried to deserve... the only thing that held my sanity all these centuries of endless waiting.

As time teaches everyone, the wait wasn"t easy. It seemed far easier to fill every day with doubts that I might be wrong to ever hope against hope.

Through it all, it was Wolfe"s friendship that kept me together at my best and my worst. No doubt, he must have seen me always at my worst. Despite the aggravation that was deliberate on my part, Wolfe kept in touch- more like bothered me whenever we had a chance to meet.

Despite the arguments and the nasty fights in between, he remained a loyal comrade. I"m the one who"s broken- maybe that"s why-

Even when it"s clear that Wolfe"s doing his best, hardly anything was smooth between us. Maybe we could"ve been more... forgiving of each other"s changes. Maybe I could"ve been more accepting of his need to be there for me.

But it"s in my nature to overthink the past more than I should. I couldn"t help drifting father away the more I thought about Mikleo"s final words...

I"ve no need to revisit Mikleo"s letter to be reminded of his thoughts for me. In truth, not forgetting them is the hardest, most bitter consolation.

It"s as if Mikleo"s beside me, his voice just a whisper above my shoulder. I guess my imagination only makes his absence unbearable beyond any pain imaginable.

For a year I couldn"t even leave his side. Snow and springtime felt the same as I stood there under the shade- his final resting place. Insane as it seemed, I kept wondering why he"s not waking up.

I hated the earth that covered him. I hated that Mikleo"s leaving me for a place unknown, unreachable... that he"d rather be the dust and ashes that I would never be able to embrace or kiss the same way.

Together with the loneliness came the hate. There were nights when I couldn"t sleep without hating the thought that I was the only one stuck in time after he"d left. I couldn"t help wondering if Mikleo could ever regret leaving me behind- that maybe I was the only one who missed us every passing day.

I flew over the same ocean a thousand times and more, hoping to see even the tiniest hint of him breathing in the sunset, against a twilight sky.

I kept seeing Mikleo among the most unexpected strangers... in the smiles of little children playing in the streets, laughing in the snow.

I would catch his fragrance among the rainflowers. Every spring reminds me of his scent that moves among the glades... in that secret garden I"ve kept for him. Among the lilies, the fragrance reminds me of silver... of lingering whispers, of quiet smiles hiding beneath a veil...

The shape of his neck, the smooth, short crop of hair just above his nape- I love the feathery feel of it as he lets my fingers glide over the pale sheen of his skin... like a stolen kiss.

I started remembering those mornings again...

I remember the sunlight, the warmth on our unmade bed.

I miss him too much- always- that I can"t help but wish every footstep is his, just waiting to be surprised.

When it gets to be unbearable, I imagine us together, walking in the moonlight or making love under the deepest stars.

Sometimes I think I frighten strangers who must think I"m dancing with a ghost on the rooftop... on the edge of a painful cliff... or on the shores of an empty beach.

I wish I were the ghost who can"t help but be with him wherever he goes, following him to the ends of anywhere or nowhere- I wouldn"t mind at all.

In those seven hundred years that I"ve waited, I"ve fought enough wars and calamities to see how they could change the world.

It was what Mikleo had wanted. But I know myself better than to deny it- I was fighting not to win but to die.

I"ve fought no less than Alisha, demanding that she give me the command. I was wrong to try and force her hand to do something against her will... but I was desperate.

I isolated myself- knowing my heart won"t be satisfied with anybody else"s laughter, with anybody else"s touch- even if those lips, those hands, those smiling eyes seemed warmer, so much brighter and happier...

If Mikleo"s a brewing storm against someone else"s sunshine, I"d rather drown in his rain.

Though second chances can"t be deserved by someone as pitiful as I am, I never stopped. I kept wishing and waiting for Mikleo- even if my heart tells me darkly- he no longer waits for me.

I reopened Inferno"s Ballad, putting a bar on the floor below the very room where Mikleo and I had become each other"s chosen in this lifetime. It"s empty now- always is. There"s nothing in that room worth coming home to... no one I can call home.

No one waits for me, but I can"t help but wait for him- wait and hope that this is just a dream and soon I"ll wake up... and Mikleo will be there as always.

I didn"t plan on any destination when I started traveling- but for some reason, my feet took me back here. I decided to return to the vineyard.

For some reason, the small orchard I"ve retained for myself next to a cottage partially rebuilt out of the ruins gave me comfort.

It felt closer to the life I"ve missed when Mikleo and I were still together.

I was in the library when Wolfe came knocking. I thought I had run away far enough to keep him from looking for me. But just as always, he knew where to find me.

When I opened the door, the same cocky smile was there, pretending we never had any arguments between us to cause any embarrassment.

"I heard you had visitors."

Wolfe must have meant Lunarre and Alisha. I simply nodded, retracing my steps to the shelves where I"ve just pulled out a book and left it almost hanging.

I heard footsteps following me, but I couldn"t turn around to meet Wolfe"s gaze. I"m sure he"s staring as always.

"They say the fourth guess is always lucky. I"ve gone to three other places where I thought you might be. I"m glad I finally caught you."

"Wolfe-" I started saying, though I realized it was pointless. He"s already behind me, one hand punching the wall next to me, letting the shelves behind us rattle against his weight.

"I"d like to believe I"m a patient man, Sorey. But God knows, you know exactly how to wear me out."

"I don"t know what you"re talking about-"

Wolfe was breathing down my neck in the next second. I was desperate enough to get away that I slammed a book to his face- the one that I left hanging on the shelf when I answered the door.

Wolfe was quick enough to pull it out of my hand before it could graze his other cheek.

"Cheeky today, aren"t we?"

"Let go, Wolfe."

Wolfe flashed me a smug grin though his eyes were steely- like those of a predator that"s begging to be provoked.

"Sorry I can"t. I"m doing my best to let you go, captain- "cause God knows that"s what"s best for both of us. But my heart hates taking orders... and my mind always wanders back to you anyway... no matter what I do."

When Wolfe said that, he leaned ever so slightly, making me look away. It"s not like I"m repulsed by his presence. It"s just that- I couldn"t bear having any intimate connection with someone I respect as a friend and as a comrade.

More than that, I hate to see the reflection of my own pain in his eyes. Whenever Wolfe tries to get closer, I feel a gnawing absence tear inside of me, and my impulse to try and get away- as far away as I can- takes over.

I know it. I can"t stand seeing the same yearning and frustration in someone else"s eyes.

It"s neither conceit nor disgust. I just know that I"m not ready for anything quite close to what Mikleo and I had.

Wounds are not up to time to heal. Hearts decide that. That"s why I know I"ll never be ready. I can"t love anyone else.

But the hardest thing is being honest about it in the face of someone who least deserves that kind of cruelty.

I love Wolfe as a friend- that"s never gonna change. Some part of me wants to be cold enough, harsh enough to say it until it hurts real bad he"ll give up.

But some part of me simply wants to run away. It"s not even hate that fuels it.

Wolfe"s the only friend I"ve left in this world who knows Mikleo as much, the only one I can trust. He"s my last connection to that existence in the past where Mikleo was alive.

I don"t want that connection tarnished in any way. I don"t want to belittle Wolfe"s feelings even if returning them isn"t something I"ll ever want for myself.

Each time he"s with me, I"m reminded of Mikleo and the love that bound our lives together. It"s impossible not to think of those years we"ve spent, fighting a common enemy, protecting the same creature who mattered to us both.

Wolfe has become my personal bridge to those memories. It"s the reason things get awkward easily when he"s around.

They say nothing feels as bad as having someone say they don"t want you. But nothing"s quite as evil as not saying it at all when it"s true.

Even if I know it, I can"t gather enough courage to want to hurt someone like Wolfe. In the end, running away feels better than reminding him every time he tries to get close that it can never work out between us.

For some reason, Wolfe"s gaze wandered back to the book in my hand.

"Souls: The Labyrinth of Consciousness... nice book. So you haven"t given up, have you?"

"Given up what?"

"I don"t know- how about you enlighten me on the subject?"

I suppressed a sigh. "How about you get your ass out of here and bother someone else?"

"Sorey... did I ever tell you that you"re way more charming when you"re trying to get rid of me?"

"I"m still trying, Wolfe."

"Well, you can try and stop doing that- "cause it ain"t gonna work, sweetheart."

"Wolfe- if you want to stay longer this time, I suggest you stop talking and pretend you"re furniture."

"How about a pretend boyfriend?"

"You"re married."

"Just got divorced. Haven"t I told you yet?"

"It wouldn"t make any difference."

"Is that a yes?"

"No- definitely."

"Fine. Just tell me what I need to do to get a kiss- then I"ll stop."

I could tell Wolfe was teasing- though what"s even more annoying is the fact that he means most of his jokes seriously. I tried to match his gaze, doing my best not to get angry about something I could never change. "Seriously, why are you here?"

"I thought that"s obvious enough. I miss you- I want you-"

"No, thanks," I tell him, though I have to look away. Right in front of me was a familiar, leather-bound notebook... one whose gold fringes seemed faded and worn from overuse.

"Sorey... I bet you haven"t been kissed in centuries."

"Not your problem," I told him without thinking. Somehow I just couldn"t tear my eyes away from the notebook. It almost seemed as if it was calling out to me.

Wolfe must have sensed my misgivings, giving the notebook a dejected frown. "Stop with the nostalgia. I ain"t here to hear about him again."

I pulled the notebook by its spine toward me. "Who said you needed to be here anyway?"

Wolfe pulls up a chair, putting his feet up my study where his boots almost knocked over an inkstand. "Don"t be cruel."

Ignoring Wolfe had always been a challenge, but for some reason, I felt the strongest urge to leaf through the whittled pages of Mikleo"s journal as if there was something there that needed to be found.

It was then that a piece of folded paper fell out. Wolfe reached down to pick it up for me. I saw his eyes widen as if he knew right then what it was.

"This was it, wasn"t it? The reason you stormed Asgard asking Alisha to do you-know-what."

It"s clear how anything that has to do with the command of death makes him uncomfortable. I understand his feelings- and I almost want to think he"s sympathetic enough to not say those words. What"s strange was that he"s thrown me not the slightest hint that he"s the Zelthalla.

Then again, knowing what we"ve all been through because of that, I"m assuming he"d never be the first to tell me what I already knew.

Even before he arrived, I already knew he"s the one. Count Wolfe von Graf has been chosen by the Children of Prophecy as the new Zel"thalla, a supernatural persona which goes by many names- the Hands of Time, the Hand of Fate, the One who Rules the World between Life and Death, Being and Nothingness- the Redeemer of the Prophecies. All these titles sound intimidating enough... but the magnitude of their meanings is something else.

It"s not like any of those names say enough as to what kind of existence the Zel"thalla truly is.

As to how I"ve discovered the awakening of that god in Wolfe, well- it"s not like I"m the only one who"s been told. I"m sure the new Throne must already know- after all, that"s how it works. The Children of the Prophecy, through their sages, send everyone the same dreams.

I doubt, though, if Wolfe readily believed it. Maybe he hasn"t fully come to terms with it- after all, the task and the burden have staggering consequences for the chosen one. It"s not surprising if he considered it a nightmare to be given such an enormous task- a task with terrible repercussions depending on how the gods choose to deal with your existence.

"Know what? When Lord Rulay asked me to give you this, I was never tempted even once to take a peek. I could"ve read it, you know- before making up my mind to give it to you."

Wolfe"s voice was enough to pull me back to the moment. I found myself giving it some thought- even when it"s clear that the more I dwell on it, the harder it gets to keep old wounds from bleeding.

"It"s strange that you"re telling me this only now... as if it was just yesterday. Nothing makes me hate you more than the fact that you kept it from me for a hundred years..."

"Hell, blame it on my intuition! If I"ve given it to you a day earlier, history might have changed. You might have wiped out all of us... Lunarre, the Queen, and myself without as much as a second thought! Where do you suppose our sorry asses will be if that happened?"

"That depends on where we go after we die..." I tell him, opening the letter as if for the first time. It always feels like the first time- something that doesn"t make much sense if you think about it.

Then again, no matter how many times I think about it, it feels that way all the time. I never get tired of remembering even if the pain only makes the memory even more unbearable.

I just have to hear his voice again saying those words... even if the voice is only my memory refusing to let go...

Sorey... if there"s one promise you owe me, can I say it now?

Promise me you"ll leave all your feelings behind.

Keep going, love. Never look back with regret.

Travel the world... do things you"ve never done before- things we"ve never had the chance to try.

Keep no memories of me. If you have to- write me and burn me...

I"m just another page.

It"s time to write a new chapter, love.

Make it a happier one...

My story has come to an end, but yours is just beginning.

Our time together is but a prologue- I"m sure every tale makes sense even without it.

Make new memories everywhere you go... with every person you meet.

There will be days that may feel longer, harder than others, but you will overcome them, Sorey.

Your heart is strong enough. It has endured calamities... it will endure anything if you insist.

The road may seem lonely... but we"ve always taken the one less traveled, haven"t we?

No destination is impossible for anyone who makes his own path to reach it.

It may be hard at first... but if you put one foot before the other, you"ll get there- somehow.

Life moves on... no matter how slowly. And every new journey starts even with the smallest of steps.

I don"t have to be by your side for you to know that you can"t lose me.

Your breath is my breath, your life- my life. Live, Sorey... for both of us.

You have nothing to fear, nothing more to hold you back.

Don"t be the sun or the moon that yields to darkness.

Be the sky- though I can"t be anything but a falling star just passing by.

Even so... every star shines brighter as it dies, it never loses its light.

Even when I can no longer be with you, I live inside you, always...

I love you more than any love. But never forget- that you can love yourself better.

And that day will come... when you can smile again and be happy without me...

I close my eyes and try to breathe. Even if some part of me wished that time could erase the memory and the pain, I couldn"t help but read the same words over and over as if Mikleo was with me saying them in his own voice... gazing with the same deep sadness in those eyes that make me catch my breath each time.

Sorey... maybe sacrificing our happiness was wrong. My careless wish gave us nothing but grief.

We"ve lost precious moments, priceless lifetimes that can never be returned.

But even if every yesterday means losing you the way I already did- even if the future may seem uncertain-

I will gladly exchange all of my tomorrows for a single yesterday to be with you.

Yet I cannot regret asking the Zel"thalla to save you, to immortalize your dreams.

Don"t even ask why I did it. You should know there"s only one reason in the world that moves me...

I"ve always believed in you.

Your heart is your strength, your shield, your truth. No evil is strong enough to break it.

They will try to taint you and break you, soak you in their colors. But you will never falter .

Even when caught in the deepest, darkest waters, you"ll wade back into the light where your heart has always been.

That is why even if I should hate the Zel"thalla for tempting me with wishes, for asking too much for the price of one wish-

I cannot. Whether he did it out of hate or spite, losing my memories of you may have been the only way...

For you are the wishes of the world come to life, a prophecy waiting to be fulfilled.

It was wrong of me to be selfish, to keep coming back to you even if it changes nothing.

Yet you chose to defy the Lord of Time, sacrificing your kingdom, your future... even when every defeat only hurt you deeper.

And I had to watch you suffer, knowing there"s no miracle or prayer that could bend your will.

We"re too headstrong, you and I. Even if we knew, we couldn"t believe what the world kept telling us-

That love isn"t enough... that happiness comes with a price... that no matter how much we strive-

We are equally unequal, equally imperfect... and there"s a purpose that binds and divides all of us...

Beyond anything that our personal will and choices can change.

Then again, maybe we"ve always known that what holds us together is beyond time.

The Zel"thalla may banish my memories of you over and over-

But over and over, I will remember you, your love, your kindness...

Because the truth that I love you lives on beyond any memory-

Beyond any thought or feeling that can die...

Just as every moment that passes leaves ripples of what it once was.

Besides, does spring ever forget to wake the sleeping earth after the brute cold of winter?

The seasons never tire of repeating themselves as if afraid of forgetting the wisdom of change.

You and I are the same. Time may change me... us... even what we remember of each other...

But like the endless cycle of the seasons, every passing change only brings with it the renewal of a promise...

A timeless return to a never-ending beginning.

By this time, you must realize how terrible I am at goodbyes.

It"s my fault that I can only end things while these memories still linger...

You see, I don"t want to forget anything- not even the pain of leaving. And I promise not to cry-

So neither should you. There is so much to remember, so much to be happy for... so much to thank for, Sorey...

But like everything else, old memories must give way to new ones.

After all, life is meant to be lived more than remembered.

So I hope you"ll forgive me if I"ve nothing left but this one parting gift to give-

Though someday seems too long for waiting, you already have my heart...

And there"s absolutely nothing- nothing here or in the life after- that can take that away from you....

Mikleo...

I hate this feeling. I hate that I can"t breathe.

I hate that no matter how many times I try to convince myself that so much has happened since you left, I"m still stuck.

I end up with the same feelings. I end up crying like a crazy fool.

Nothing"s changed. Every word cuts the same old wounds. Every word reminds me that I"m still not over you.

Every word sinks deep- like a dagger through the heart. But instead of arousing only hurt and anguish, I"m reminded of the warmth, the need that I only felt for you...

I feel the hunger coming, rising like a storm. I still want you...

I"m still in love with you like that day I first saw you... that day we kissed under a cold summer rain.

Sometimes I envy the human spirit that can fall in love so easily. You get hurt- you feel the loneliness until someone comes along to heal you- then you move on. For human beings, the journey is just a matter of finding another route to the same destination.

But this is how I know that vampires are truly cursed. Our bodies can heal, but we harbor wounds that never get erased- just like the immortality we"re born with. Vampires have often been written as creatures of lust who can make love with anyone they choose- but what they don"t understand is that the bonds with our chosens can never be broken or replaced no matter how much lust we gather to fill the yawning vacuum.

Chosen bonds endure all calamities. That is why they cannot be broken one-sidedly. When a bond is severed, the cut festers like a fresh wound that keeps on bleeding even when you"re already dry to the bone.

And the pain drags on through all of eternity, like a guilt that won"t set you free.

Maybe this is what it means to have a soul. Something within you keeps rusting away, eating you up, swallowing you bit by bit only to throw you up once it gets its fill- just so life could fuck you up one more time... and another... and another.

The universe was created for one reason- and that"s to see its prophecies fulfilled. Those prophecies are most likely never meant to be understood by our fallible logic.

Maybe divine logic is an absence of logic because true, absolute power needs no logic to make itself intelligible to an inferior race of worldly beings.

But what do I care about the logic of the gods? Even if we can"t destroy the universe, it would be as good as dead to us the moment we die and leave it behind. Logic and non-logic, sense and nonsense all give way to death, the ultimate chaos.

Maybe in hell, everyone is mad. In hell where logic and truth shouldn"t matter, I might finally be able to lose all of me and all this pain.

Even blindness should be comforting. In the darkness where the visible becomes invisible, all differences fall to the wayside. Humans and vampires can be equals.

Then again, in the same blinding darkness, I can deny their existence. I can pretend that even I don"t exist.

Blindness annihilates. One must see nothing to believe that nothing exists. That"s why I"m almost certain that those who fear life always wish they never saw the light.

Mikleo was the light that kept my shadows at bay. When they took that light from me, I"ve not only lost him-

I"ve lost myself with him. And so the world where I can be happy without him no longer exists.

Mikleo... I know I"m making the same mistake.

Say that I"m hopeless, that I"m not strong enough to be without you.

But if my love makes me weak, then let this weakness be my strength.

You"re my sword, my shield, the light that guides me through my darkest despair.

They say I"m to raise an empire, but you gave me more than just an empty dream-

For the first time, I wasn"t just a tool of some random, cruel god.

For the first time I wanted peace... quiet days... a warm, happy home with you in my arms.

You"re the river that quenched this barren wasteland.

You"re the purpose to my aimless wandering.

More than that, you make me realize what it means to be immortal-

That even in death, we"ll go on and on.

My love for you will never die.

My memories of you will never die.

Even if I live a million times and it all ends the same, I will choose you.

And I"ll never regret a single moment, no matter how many times it breaks me.

Just like the fleeting twilight that slips between night and day, there must be a valley of shadows-

A path between life and death. I won"t stop "til I find it- any road or secret that might lead me to you.

When that moment comes, let me say again how much you mean to me-

Let me hold your hand and fill your mouth with kisses.

I"ll tell you everything I"ve been through- all those things you"ve missed.

And we"ll do everything that lovers do... so much more if you let me.

For by your side I"m no emperor or savior. I"m only Sorey...

Yet never have I been happier or more fulfilled.

Love, I only ask for one small favor-

Let me stay this way until time itself runs out.

Until every vow has been broken, let me keep this one, final oath.

I will never give you up. I will never get tired of trying to find you.

Haven"t I waited for you all my life? So how can I just let you go?

They say true love waits. I"ve waited lifetimes...

I"ve watched centuries drag on and on without you...

Knowing there"s no pain that hurts too much-

No wound that I can"t bear just to be with you.

But even if immortals must endure the brunt of time, they are no strangers to death.

I promised to hold on- but something inside me has been dying since you left...

My heart won"t endure it... every single moment that reminds me you"re gone.

So please, let me fulfill this one last promise as your chosen-

Let me leave this earth to try and find you...

Or sink into nothingness and be forever lost with you.

That night, the rain seemed endless... or maybe I had wanted it never to end.

Wolfe and I had been staying at an inn for days now. It was a quiet countryside neighborhood with a view of a forested hillside and a sharp cliff jutting out where the moon seems to float like a distant stranger.

Our stay felt almost like a holiday, it was peaceful- too peaceful and almost surreal. We visited the local art museums and libraries until Wolfe got lucky to be invited to the town fair just minutes from where we had been staying. Even if it would"ve been fine touring the rest of the village on my own so he could indulge the ladies, he insisted that I try something exotic at the bar while he"s busy.

Wolfe was saying something about how he might spend the night somewhere else if he got invited, and I nodded without giving it any thought. My eyes wandered to a painting on the wall in front of me- a spectator"s view of a gruesome duel between a beast and a gladiator with a torn limb, swinging a mace over his head.

It reminded me of another painting hanging on another wall, in the ruins of a place with a dangling sign that says Inferno"s Ballad. When I had that place fixed, I couldn"t find the painting, which was one of the most memorable things in that room where Mikleo and I had spent our very first night together. Just like the painting in front of me, the Spoliarium staring at us from the shadows back then felt like an omen of morbid sorrows, bathing a pure, white canvas in blood.

It"s as if from the moment we met, fate ordained a future doomed to be defeated. Just as those images depicted the irony of human suffering hiding behind a curtain of violence and madness, our lives bore witness to such potent forces of good and evil none may dare oppose- cosmic wills that granted wishes in exchange for an eternity of solitude and grief.

But just like any temptation that captivates the more it is resisted, I found myself pulling a bar stool right across that wall and ordered my first drink.

I almost forgot about Wolfe.

Putting a hand on my shoulder, he asked if it were all right to accept every single lady"s invitation to dance, eyeing me as if he wanted me to discourage it. Knowing how much he looked like the gallant bachelor and lady-killer who couldn"t turn anyone down even if he tried, I raised my glass to the ladies, giving my most heartfelt thanks.

Wolfe looked angry for two seconds, but he let himself be carried off onto the dance floor that seemed to glow with the light of a million fireflies. Beyond it, the night sky seemed almost heavenly.

I turned away, already caught up in my own thoughts, in my own little world that couldn"t haunt me better or worse than when Wolfe was around to see it. I was honestly relieved to let him have some fun without me. God knows, I"m hardly an entertaining host.

Besides, the wine I had ordered at the bar was starting to do wonders, giving me a familiar sense of things that only tempted me to indulge in my loneliness to my heart"s content.

About an hour later, Wolfe seemed upset and asked if we could go home. He must have meant the inn. As soon as we got back, he turned on the phonograph- which was the only thing I hated about the room he paid for. Whenever it was up to Wolfe to find accommodations, he"d find an inn that"s almost fully booked, prompting us to share rooms.

I watched as Wolfe pulled out a record from a drawer- then grabbing my hand, he pulled me into a slow, awkward dance that urged me to mimic the way he moved his hips and feet.

"You still remember how to do this, don"t you?"

I frowned. "It"s no big deal-"

"But I want it to be a big deal."

"Huh?" I know better than to expect a drunk to be rational, but somehow my bad mood was ignoring the siren sounding off a warning in my head.

"Like, c"mon, commander, make it good. Wouldn"t kill you to act like you"re dancing with your chosen-"

"Wolfe-"

"Is Lord Rulay even a better dancer than me? I bet I"m way bigger down there, huh? But to you I"m just a cock-head, ain"t I? A clown with a big dick who loves to ram it hard like a bull? Great- as if a lovesick ass like you would care, right? I"m probably the only ass who cares about shit like me-"

"Wolfe!"

"Heck, what"s so damn good about his hole anyway? Yeah, I bet Lord Rulay"s tasty... he"s simply divine, ain"t he? He"s so damn good all you could do was run around his legs, licking him up like a pathetic pup. You"re just a happy slave, his devoted dog waiting for scraps to fall from his table. I bet even his booger"s amazing to you-"

"I"m not listening to this- just shut up, Wolfe!"

"Dammit, don"t use my name only for complaining! It hurts enough- it hurts like hell to know I"m the only one who feels this way "cause you don"t give a shit about me!"

I tried to suppress the words I"ve been aching to tell him, but knowing how those words would hurt more, I couldn"t. I put an arm on his shoulder instead.

When he smiled, I shook my head at him. "Watch your feet, idiot. I don"t want to be responsible for punching holes through them."

I hardly cared much for dancing, but I let Wolfe pull me to it "cause he seemed already annoyed before I could even say no. I couldn"t have known if it was deliberate- Wolfe looked about as dead drunk as I thought I"ve seen him before- but he let the record start in the middle.

He fumbled with his hand as we stumbled onto the carpet and almost knocked down a coat hanger and a lamp. Laughing, he grabbed onto me to keep us from falling.

It"s rare to hear Wolfe laugh the way he did- but it wasn"t until the phonograph started playing that I started to notice-

No, you don"t know the one who dreams of you at night

And longs to kiss your lips, and longs to hold you tight

Oh, I"m just a friend, that"s all I"ve ever been

"Cause you don"t know me...

I looked hard at Wolfe, wanting to think that the coincidence had no other meaning- except that every song I"ve shared with Mikleo could have but one consequence.

It was bound to cut through my heart, my senses like a million, burning knives. The seething anguish pounded at me, making it almost impossible to breathe- so pretending like hell that it didn"t bother me was just... something I wasn"t ready to do.

You give your hand to me, and then you say, "goodbye"

I watch you walk away, with the lucky guy...

Oh you"ll never know, the one who loves you so

You don"t know me...

I pulled away. I wasn"t ready to hear those words again. But I guess neither of us could be bothered to let it go- we were more drunk and exhausted than usual- so we ended up getting on each other"s nerves. Wolfe started tugging our clothes off- and if I didn"t punch him on the cheek to sober him up, he would"ve started something we"d both regret in the morning.

He slept soundly after that- which was somewhat a relief. I wasn"t ready to deal with his complaints- or my own temper getting out of hand again. I slipped out of bed and into the balcony next to it, careful not to wake Wolfe up.

Under the moon is a view of a wide garden and a center fountain, which from above, apparently had been set in a pattern resembling a medieval keyhole.

For some reason, memories that have been dormant awakened with a whimpering moan... like a child seeking a mother"s warmth.

That"s a lot of keys, Sorey.

Oh yeah? Wanna try them all?

What do you mean?

Mikleo- don"t pretend you forgot! Didn"t I say we"re going to- uh... you know... try all the rooms tonight?

Huh? You just flew a plane for hundreds of miles. So many other things happened. Aren"t you exhausted as it is?

Try me, love...

You wish! It"s not like we have to try every room like it even matters.

But it does- I mean... depending on the size of the bed, we can-

Shut it.

But Mikleo-

Sorey... it"s late, you"re tired, and I just want to sleep. I really don"t get why you"re giddy all of a sudden.

How about this- if you can guess how many keys I have here, I"d let you off easy.

Huh? When have you ever been easy on me?

How about... I promise not to nibble as much. I"ll even keep my bites to a minimum- and only use my tongue down there-

Sh-sheesh- how can you even say such things with a straight face, you- you- ugh, gods, you"re the absolute prototype of a hopeless idiot, aren"t you?

Uh... want me to deny that?

No.

But, seriously, Mikleo... aren"t you even in a romantic mood tonight?

Sorey- has there ever been a single day you"re not like this? If you keep this up, I"m not sleeping on the same bed with you!

"Do you mind if I sit next to you?"

I didn"t realize I"d been sitting there for three hours sifting through old memories until I felt Wolfe"s breath against my neck as he leaned forward to ask. I simply nodded to his question.

Wolfe looked hesitant- almost embarrassed- for some reason. "You"re not cold, are you?"

I looked sideways, only to catch him gazing up at the moon as he sidled next to me, holding up a blanket.

I shook my head. "Thanks, but it"s actually warmer than I expected."

He grins back. "Yeah, I guess it is. Penny for your thoughts?"

I shook my head though I know my tone must"ve already given me away. "Not thinking much."

"Just a lot? C"mon, I won"t nag if you just open your heart and say what it is."

I found myself swallowing a sigh, knowing Wolfe was trying his best for me even if I was hardly trying. "How much would you charge me, counselor?"

"I"ve just been paid in advance- so I don"t mind the extra service."

"All right, I think I"m good. I"ll take the couch and see you in the morning."

"Hey, I was kidding- you know it more than I do, don"t you? I just wanna lighten the mood."

"Then it"s better if you do the talking. I"ve nothing cheerful to share."

"Try me. I won"t get pissed- even if you talk about him."

I"ve been thinking about Mikleo every single minute for the past seven hundred years. So to even try and talk about him after that nasty fight with Wolfe would just break me.

I dared to smile. "By now, you should be tired of hearing nothing else."

"People I love can"t tire me easily."

"Says the guy who got divorced more times than I could count."

"Jealous? Please say you are."

"There"s nothing Mikleo hates more than jealousy- not like I believe him." I know I"m contradicting myself by bringing that up, but the words just found their way to my mouth.

I wasn"t surprised when Wolfe didn"t say anything... for once. He seemed lost in thought rather than annoyed, eyes softening as he gazed up at the sky above us.

"I bet Lord Rulay wants nothing more than for you to start all over and be happy with someone new. I"m not saying this "cause I stand to benefit from that opinion- though God knows, I"d be more than happy if you followed that advice. I just know there"s no way he"d be selfish... like either one of us."

I could only nod to that. "There"s no one like him... and even if there is... it wouldn"t matter if it"s not him at all."

Wolfe flinched visibly- and I almost couldn"t tell if he was serious or not. "Whoa, that"s a big ouch for me. You really know how to ruin a romantic moment, huh?"

"Your idea of romance escapes me."

"How about we kiss so you"d get a better picture of what I mean?"

"No, thanks. Don"t make me feel guilty any more than I already am. It always feels as if I"m using you for my own benefit- and the worst part of it is that it"s true."

"So what if it is? Use me, commander, by all means, I don"t mind-"

"That"s not why I said it-"

"Sorey, when are you gonna stop beating yourself over for thinking about yourself? You feel guilty about doing things for your own selfish reasons- as if being selfish is so wrong. Humans and vampires have one thing in common- their world is nothing but greed and hate. The reason why Lord Rulay suffered-"

My chest twisted. "Please... let"s not get into that. Not tonight, at least."

I saw him purse his lips and felt the frustration gnawing at him. But no matter how many times I"ve seen it, I realized there"s nothing I could say that wouldn"t hurt him.

Every single time I think of Mikleo, my words will sting. Even if I try not to do it, Wolfe will hurt on his own the same way I hurt because that"s how desire works. The pain is nothing but a sad reminder that nothing works the way you want it to when you need it to the most.

"Fine," Wolfe muttered grudgingly. "But by now it should be obvious how every politician"s played with us- ensnaring us in their nasty webs, using our sacrifices for their petty endgames. You know that no matter who or how many we kill, the worst scum will get away. I admire you for trying... for keeping the flames of hope alive despite your condemnation that the world will never get better. But if I were to be honest, there are more days I wish you"d just leave it all behind for good. I know you"re the hero, the savior we"ve been waiting for... but hell, what I would give to free you from that burden. There are days when I"d rather see everything in flames, burned to dust and ashes... with us walking away from it like we never gave a damn-"

"So if you"re not sanitizing me, you"re demonizing me- as if I could get any worse than what I already am."

Wolfe flicks an embarrassed look at me. "But you"re good, Sorey. You"re too damn good for this world. It"s what I hate about you the most."

"How many times have I said it- I hate saints and heroes. Everything I"ve done, I"ve done for personal reasons- not to be the savior you wish me to be-"

"Stop being a hypocrite. You love someone good... someone like Lord Rulay, your unparalleled paragon, no doubt. But like all good things that find their way on the path of evil, nothing gives the world more pleasure than to see goodness sink to the bottom of the pits... to get down and dirty like the rest of it. I bet it"s the same reason the Throne tried to corrupt Lord Rulay into a breeder before releasing him to find his way to you. When the Queen and I saw those secret files the day the coup" finally overthrew the House of Derrilvion, we found out how Forton had tried to free more breeders after neutralizing the poison that sped up their mutation into such things. If she hadn"t done that, you"d have knocked the captain up and bred babies like you- which was what the old Throne had been planning all along. You"re supposed to father an entire line of vampires that"s far superior to the Windstalkers- and maybe any pureblood who"s ever walked this earth."

"Know what?" I could only stare at my hands as Wolfe threw me sidelong glances. I hated being reminded of what the Throne did to Mikleo- but somehow I realized how much of a burden the truth was to Wolfe- a burden he couldn"t free himself from unless he could tell me everything I needed to know even if it hurt to know.

"What?"

"If there"s anything I wish I could unmake right now, that would be me. My existence is the root of the problem. If I hadn"t been born, there would"ve been no past, present, or future as twisted and perverse as this. If I hadn"t met Mikleo, he would"ve lived a better life with someone who truly deserved him. It"s the same with you- you would"ve found someone else... someone who could see your worth and treat you right..."

Wolfe clenched a fist at me, his breath suddenly hot on my neck as he leaned forward. "You"re the one who should stop! All this self-hate- dammit, Sorey, why can"t you love yourself even a little bit? You say you"re not good- but you keep letting me get away with everything I do to you, not caring at all if I could keep my promise or not!"

I cleared my throat casually though my heart shook to hear it. If Wolfe had known how desperate I was when we exchanged promises, I"m sure he wouldn"t dare joke about it. My desperation grew to a point that each day was nothing but a struggle to keep it from driving me over the edge. Never has time felt so achingly slow and lazy- dragging out our miseries in chains. And Wolfe was my only way out of it, the only chain that held my sanity together.

Of all the purebloods I"ve ever had the chance to meet, he was the only exception- the only one who had the strength to stand in my way. Wolfe had been the only one able to keep me from unleashing the rage that would"ve extinguished any possibility of redemption for me- any chance, no matter how slight- of reversing the curse that kept me and Mikleo apart.

"I can always try and kill you if you don"t keep your promise," I muttered back.

"Oh yeah?"

"But it"s not like that will put me in a better position than before. You"re the only key I"ve left... and knowing that we"re simply fulfilling our own selfish wants, I"ve no reason to condemn anyone who does the same. I want to think everyone has something precious that"s worth giving up everything for. Just because our reasons are different doesn"t make us any different. I"m just a crazy fool who"d give up his life- everything he"s ever had- for that one wish that means all the world to him..."

"I"ve already known since the day we first met that we"re a bunch of crazies. But really- have you never ever asked yourself what it"s like to fall in love with someone else for a change?"

"You"ve married so many times I"m sure you"ve got a better idea than anyone, am I wrong?"

"You think an idiot like me can be bothered to ask that question before fucking? All I know is- what"s the fun in getting stuck with the same person? Besides... finding happiness is like treasure-hunting, ain"t it? You wouldn"t even know what to expect until you"ve actually found what you"re looking for. But then the first step is to take that first step. The search has to start somewhere for you to actually find anything worth the time and the greed."

"Wolfe..." I didn"t want to sound self-righteous, but I guess I"ve always been like this without even trying. "When you finally meet the only one for you, you"ll understand... that a diamond can be just any rock if it"s not what you"re hoping to find."

"So am I just a rock to you even if anybody else would kill for my attention? I"ll fetch you a hefty price, you know- if you care to ask the ladies how much I"m worth."

"Yeah, right." I knew I sounded ironic. "You must be the diamond that got away from the ladies."

Wolfe leaned into my ear as if he had some secret to share. "Commander... how about you say I"m your diamond so I can be the happiest man alive?"

There it is again- that word. I couldn"t say why it bothered me that he"d been calling me commander rather than captain as if to foreshadow something he couldn"t have been aware of at the moment. I shook my head, wondering if I should say it- even if the words have already begun to take shape. "I"d appreciate it if you saved that thought for someone else. Finding true happiness is kinda tricky... and it"s more important than anything I can ever say to you- more than anything I can ever give you-"

The grip that made me stop wasn"t painful, but it was cold- cold enough to make me look up when Wolfe pulled my hand to him. His mouth was set in a grim line when he spoke.

"Look "ere, idiot! Don"t bother imagining that will ever happen "cause if they ain"t you, then they ain"t you. Anyone who tries to take your place will just end up the same way- I"ll break their hearts and leave... without looking back... without regretting a single thing."

I look up at the moon. It"s waning... like an illusion that"s slowly being engulfed by something stronger. I can"t help but feel that the kind of affection Wolfe has for me seems no different from the gravity of the moon that holds things in place in its own way. I hardly feel it, but I know it"s there... as if all it needs is to be there for things to be the way they are... for things to happen the way they should.

Gravity is real, it grounds you, but it"s never palpable enough to feel like a threat. Nothing arouses the fear of losing gravity "cause it"s part of everything else that seems more important... though without it, things must fall apart.

"Let"s go back to sleep, shall we? Not like I wanna waste time sleeping when we can do other things..."

I suppress a sigh. "Wolfe-"

"Fine, if you"re not in the mood for it! Just let me carry you back to bed. You know how I can"t sleep when it"s cold- and anywhere"s cold without you."

I take a deep breath, unable to meet the intense stare he"s giving me. He doesn"t know how I hate to catch that look on his face when I have to turn him down again.

"I don"t think I"ll be sleepy anytime soon. I just want... to be alone for a little while longer..."

Wolfe looked as if he was struggling against himself for a moment. But in the end he stood up with a heavy sigh that said more than he seemed willing to let on.

"You"ve been alone long enough, Sorey. I"ll be waiting for you- always- whether you"re coming or not."

That same night I had a dream. It started out with Mikleo and I playing as children in the meadows. The sun was pouring hot, the sky was cloudless, and even the trees seemed happy.

Mikleo"s small face was brighter than I"ve ever seen it. From the way he was laughing as we rolled on the grass, it seemed he had absolutely no care in the world- and we were content to stay that way as if the world had always been a happy, perfect paradise.

That"s how I realized it was just a dream.

Then a shadow walked past us, stopping a few feet from where Mikleo and I tumbled to the ground on top of each other, chasing our breaths. We"ve been running around the field, picking up anything interesting we could find if only to see which one had the better treasure. When I felt the presence staring, watching us from hollowed eyes, I pushed Mikleo behind me, telling the shadow to get away.

It sneered... but only for a second. The hollow space where its mouth might have been curved into a grimace as it shifted its empty gaze toward Mikleo before wandering back to the blades of grass touching our bare feet.

When it opened its mouth to speak, everything turned dark as if a thunderstorm had chased the sun away.

You don"t belong here, my Emperor- don"t be fooled by this.

Happiness breeds regret. Haven"t you regretted enough?

Accept the inevitable, embrace your fate.

You"re always alone. Your destiny is to be alone...

Only when you realize this shall you awaken to your true purpose...

My heart twisted when I heard those words. Instead of the rain that was looming on the horizon, snow had started to drift all around us.

I cried out when I saw Mikleo lying down on the grass. Though most of my dreams begin well, they always fall short in the middle. Mikleo seems agonizingly hurt, and the nightmare ends with him wasting away like a pillar of salt against a brutal sandstorm. I turned his face toward me, suddenly afraid of the paleness of his skin, the loneliness in his eyes as he gazed upward at the sky- almost as if mesmerized by something only he could see.

Even his heartbeat sounded broken- like he was in terrible pain and running out of air. I cradled his face to me, asking what was wrong- and if I could do anything- just anything to ease his troubles...

He reaches up to cup my cheek. I leaned toward it, aching for the tenderness, the warmth he was giving me... because everything else felt so cold.

Sorey... it"s because of me that life has become nothing to you but an unbearable yoke.

I know your heart far more than I wish I do. There is sadness in your eyes that no smile can ever hide.

And though I would do everything to take away even half of the weight of your solitude, you are too selfish to share it.

This loneliness, this grief... these tireless tears you keep shedding for me... they"re your choice, not your destiny.

I"ve paid the price to release you from the pain... and yet you refuse to unchain yourself.

You are free, Sorey. The fate that keeps me where I am is my own choosing- my oath with the Zel"thalla, the giver of wishes.

Do not take it upon yourself to suffer for my sake. I only want you to be happy...

To find a chance to seek that happiness whatever road you take... in the warmth of others I cannot reach.

As the future emperor, it is your duty to make the world a happy one... for yourself and for others.

Perhaps there"s equal pain and joy in every place... but if you look farther and deeper, I"m sure you"ll find it-

Hope... happiness... and miracles hiding in the most unexpected places, just waiting to be fulfilled...

I felt a swarm of heat from Mikleo"s palm that he laid ever so softly, so lightly on my chest. I entwined our fingers together, wishing for the warmth to never leave like I know it would. But when he finally lifted his face to look into my eyes, I knew it and felt it. It is as if I had a soul within me that trembled by the slightest parting of those lips I knew was hurting to say more.

When he reached for my cheek, my heart shivered.

Never have I felt so afraid to hear what Mikleo was about to say while chasing his breath- those unspoken wishes that I knew would break every fiber of my being the moment his voice breathed life into them.

Sorey, you are my chosen, are you not? Not even eternity can make me forget that.

So I hope you will listen when I say this- lay down your burdens, my dearest. You"ve suffered enough.

From now on, let me bear all your worries, your regrets. We both know I"m strong enough to endure them.

The road before you is full of promise. Find your fate. Walk the path you"re meant to travel...

I"ll be watching over you... always.

Besides, my memories of us are more than enough. So long as they live within me, nothing dies-

And letting go is not always goodbye...

That is why for the last time, there is something I must do...

I"m releasing you from our vows.

It"s time to let go, my chosen.

Don"t be yourself anymore.

Love yourself a little better. No one deserves it as much as you do.

I"ve tried for several lifetimes. You know I"ll do anything to make you happy...

But sometimes you only need to believe in yourself to know that true joy comes from within.

You only have to open your heart to realize that not everything is lost...

That there are things far more precious and beautiful just waiting to be born-

A world where the sun is warmer, brighter than our sky...

A world where true happiness is real... not just a wish waiting to come true...

I don"t know why, but I started crying as if I knew by those words that this must be his final goodbye. Mikleo was leaving me for good. I pulled him to me as if I"ve always known what comes after. But even beneath my fingers, he"s begun to fade away until I was left with nothing- not even the faintest shadow of his smile under that bright, blue sky.

Where he had been lying as I held him, a tender lily seems to beckon to me, swaying to the breeze. It"s mostly white with the faintest hint of lavender tracing an outline along its delicate fringe.

Why is it that colors become visible only when I dream of you, love? For a second, the petals seem to lean forward expectantly to meet the tips of my fingers- as if somehow it knows I"m aching to be comforted.

It was hardly surprising when news of another war caught up with me and Wolfe. The next few months became an agonizing return to those days when I"ve no choice but to play the hero who in truth couldn"t save anyone- not even the one he cares about the most.

The only thing Mikleo and I ever wanted for ourselves was a world we could cherish as our paradise. I"m sure humans and vampires want the same- they want a world they can call their own- a world that respects their way of life- their joys and sorrows, their ambitions and conceits. But then, isn"t this the lesson that"s the hardest to learn?

No one had to endure this twisted war if it were easy to recognize the right of existence of others without feeling threatened by that same existence.

There are those who can"t see it- and would kill to keep others from finding what they themselves turn away from. Some truths are like treasures hidden away in the darkest places. But most are too familiar they"re almost invisible- unseen, ignored, taken for granted. War and peace, existence and annihilation, love and hate are polar opposites, yet they"re always together like inseparable twins. It"s as if human conflict is inevitably part of being human... and being inhuman is no less a part of it too.

And though love is most certainly beyond ideological compatibility, without a marriage of minds, the world can only breed hate.

I look up, wishing I could say these things to Mikleo. The lifetimes we"ve shared felt like bonds that nothing- not the centuries or the wars that got between us- can overwrite. We"re children borne of the same stars, looking out at the same horizon, chasing the same dreams.

We laughed, loved and cried with the same heartbeat. Even if the prophecies should forsake us, I vowed never to let anything else wield so much power as to try and get in our way.

This war we"re fighting is trying to tear the world once more into pieces. If Alisha and the new Throne thought I was their perfect warrior, I could only think of one reason for it-

I was already broken. Nothing so terrible could tear me apart more than the world already had.

Whether I"m mad or insane didn"t even matter- because just like the prophecies, it"s power not logic that rules the universe. Strength can justify anything on a whim- because to honor truth, wisdom, or virtue is to recognize an authority higher than itself.

And power owes no one respect or obedience. It corrupts because the only way to fight it is to be cruel enough to want to return evil for evil.

In the end the struggle against evil can only be self-defeating. You can"t destroy it without speaking its own language- without turning its greed, violence, and depravity against itself.

Maybe revenge is the only way to kill it- but whoever said killing ends anything permanently? I killed again and again only to learn how ugly yet accurate this lesson was.

When the base was attacked, I knew the time has come. I jumped into the cockpit, flying my plane into the maddening swarm of enemy fighter planes. The codes of war have been rewritten after every nation started rearming itself again with weapons of mass destruction.

Hundreds of years ago in Camlann, I thought we were fighting the last and final war. I lost my final ties to the vampire world with the slaughter of Heldalf and Velvet"s clans. Even Alisha was put in grave danger. The new Throne she stood for was besieged by loyalists from the old Throne back then- purebloods of the highest order who"d swallow their noble pride and resort to all kinds of tricks and strategies to bring back the loyalty of the vampires to the House of Derrilvion. Apparently, those did not exclude conspiring with the League and the Confederate in the shadows.

Alisha had sought my help back then- and back then, I told myself I"ll never march into another battlefield to fight for anyone, whether it be for vampires or humans.

It took more than a war and a revolution to help bring back loyalties Alisha and the new Throne had lost in the interment. When the League and the Confederate gained new enemies for putting the world into shambles with the relentless fighting over disputed territories scattered across the Atlantic to the Baltic regions, the new Throne used the chance to form new alliances against old friends and enemies in the League and the Confederate. The House of Derrilvion eventually lost its last stronghold when its political connections with the old regimes became irrelevant, pushed into the brink of anomaly and obscurity.

And so with the rise of the new Throne I was able to sink back into my old shadows. I returned to all the places Mikleo and I had been, negotiating any property I could buy that reminded me of those days when we were together.

Maybe that"s the problem. All of us have the freedom to choose our joys and burdens. I can turn my back on the world and move on.

But something always pulls me back. I guess it"s true- happiness and grief come in equal measure to those who remember a little too much.

I can"t let go of our memories.

Through the years, I tried to get by, using everything I"ve gained from working for the Throne for centuries. I swore to myself that even if Alisha were a friend, I"ve no interest in serving anyone ever again.

I tried farming. I obtained a modest acre of farmland I could spend tedious hours on when I"m not traveling.

On occasions, I fly. I still have the plane I flew with Mikleo that day. The repairs were costly... and I could only fly it long enough until I start thinking of him again.

Before I could contemplate death, I found myself landing on a safe zone... unable to get back into the cockpit until I"ve forced myself to stop being desperate.

I couldn"t think about death without forcing my body to do everything to save itself from harm. There"s no way I could get behind the line of fire without being stopped by a command, forcing me to protect myself- to run away from danger if that"s the only way...

Even hired killers have been at a loss as to how to get rid of me. Each one has tried- and embarrassingly failed- to give me that final bullet that would let me rest in peace.

The war I had waged as a final favor to secure Alisha"s Throne- the only means to peace and harmony among vampires and humans as she calls it- ended quite like the way I had expected it- with more death and bloodshed. In those missions I took for my own selfish reasons, I kept looking for a chance to die, hoping there"s a way other than the promise I made with Wolfe.

I was wrong. If the new Throne had wanted a perfect murderer, it could only be me- because the war wouldn"t have ended if I simply pulled the trigger.

I had to cut the last link in the chain- the last connecting ties between the world of humans and vampires. And the only way to do that was to find the root of the problem- our origins.

I marched into Babel. Right in front of the leaders of the United Front, I told my hostages that I could slaughter their clones of vampires with Alisha and Lunarre backing my word that I truly can.

The clones were all part of the same experiment that triggered Mikleo"s demise. They"re part of the same evil. But there"s no justice in killing them the way I did.

It was nothing but bitter, cold-blooded revenge that moved me to slaughter. Nothing about me has changed except for this-

I had to act the traitor"s part to be the kind of hero the new Throne wanted me to be. I had to make myself look like everyone"s enemy aching for that senseless bloodbath for no better reason than madness.

In truth, nothing about it was random. It was all part of the plan. In truth Alisha had only given me what I"ve wanted for the longest time- the chance to kill everyone who had made Mikleo suffer. I would"ve acted on this impulse far sooner if Alisha had not negotiated the delay. In exchange for the secrets behind the House of Derrilvion that changed Mikleo into what he had become, I had to keep my killing rage in chains. It was only later that I understood why she felt compelled to have me delay my revenge.

The United Front was an ally she needed to get rid of the political ties between and among the League, the Confederate, and the loyalists who have rabidly colluded with those two to sustain their survival in the shadows. The old Throne may have been overthrown by support for Alisha within the nobility- but loyalties among vampires have always been fragile. Besides, vampires have all the time in the world to hatch the perfect revenge. Alisha wouldn"t let me act on my resolve, knowing she could use my rage to end a more formidable evil the moment it bared its fangs.

As the Queen, no one could"ve been a better leader than Alisha who refused to have selfish dreams for herself. Her goal had always been different from mine. She wanted to secure a long-lasting peace among vampires- by getting rid of the old traditions and dirty politics that kept the purebloods in a position higher than that of any other vampire breed. She sought equality, justice, and freedom for all vampires- just like the politician she"s always been.

She"s always known I"ve never had any genuine affinity for politics- so it"s hardly news to her when I decided to cut off any means to be involved with her regime. I didn"t think I could deserve the right or the responsibility to be in charge of anyone"s life, much less the future of an entire nation- because protecting failed experiments like us... is to me no different from turning a mistake into entertainment.

If the gods thought they could get away with their mistakes by rewriting the last act of their play, they"ve assumed wrong. Why should anyone be so foolish as to play the same character?

If the purebloods kept me from dying out of fear of facing me in the afterlife- then let them live in fear.

I"ll make them suffer for those fears.

Let my madness soar. Let me show the world what it means to lose everything...

And yet, I can"t help but doubt these feelings- as if they"re all just a ruse. In my saner moments, I begin to wonder if all this hate is worth it.

In the end there"s only one thing I truly want...

Maybe I"m a coward. I can"t hate enough to use the last of my strength for revenge.

Flying above the ocean, staring at the emptiness of the world below me, I can only wonder...

Mikleo, will you be there for me?

Are you waiting somewhere on the other side of this sky... waiting and listening to my heart?

I find myself talking as if he"s just behind me, listening quietly to every mad thing I have to say.

I turn to the sky, wondering how it can be just as beautiful as the sky that day... that day that it was raining snow, and I flew over the ocean with him for the very first time.

That day, his face was radiant under the brief light of the heavens. He reached for my cheek, and I leaned into it, hungry for the faintest touch of his fingertips.

Our lips and kisses burned, but the heat wasn"t enough to dispel the cold. He was like an angel, leaving me for the distant stars that peeked from a cold, distant sky.

Though in truth, never have I hated the sky since that day. I can"t help but hate it when it turns into a billow of silver-grey. Even the heavens know only too well what my heart has been telling me... why I can"t stay in this world anymore.

Then again, as always, his voice comes to me, urging me on, begging me to pull myself together. Without it, I would"ve surrendered completely to the darkness... to the burning, aching madness that only triggers those reflexes I know would be futile to give in to.

How many times have I wished to die? How many times have I tried?

How many times would fate play cruel tricks on this tired, wasted heart?

Out there, the horizon looks as empty as the barren wasteland of my dreams. In those dreams, Mikleo always vanishes the moment I call out his name.

When these thoughts overtake me, I find myself sinking back into those memories, whispering as if he could still hear me- as if he never left.

Mikleo, do you remember when you said that love is blind because when lovers kiss, they do it with their eyes closed?

I told you back then that being color-blind makes everything grey. And yet, when it"s you, it"s not grey at all...

You"re brighter than any starlight. You"re the only color I see... the dazzling radiance beneath the lifeless pale.

But whoever said looking through the eyes of love is easy?

The lover sees more than he should... and less than what"s really there.

He feels an absence that cannot be filled... no matter how loud, crowded, and full of energy everything else is.

He sees the shadows and hears their silence... even when the light sings right next to him.

Before I met you, I was just a void. I was the void eating this world...

But you changed all that. You came and changed everything about me...

And you loved me for who I am.

If we can"t be together, then at least let me become nothing.

I"d rather be the shadow that follows where the light and darkness meet...

Where I can cross the bridge to any world to be with you.

Only when they take all of me can I truly be free. So until then-

I won"t fly away from you. I won"t share my grief or my burdens.

Let me bear them for the both of us. Let me own my sins.

Maybe this greed is foolish, but I can only be who I am-

Though every mistake I"ve made reminds me how much I don"t deserve you.

That"s why I won"t forgive myself yet. I won"t let go of this sadness or this pain.

Besides... is it really too much to let me think of you?

No matter what I do, my thoughts keep finding you...

You standing there, a wistful smile on your face...

You"re wrapped in the naked light of a blue moon, pretending to be indifferent-

Even as my eyes devoured you... even if you already knew how every part of me wanted you.

You"re cruel enough not to let me catch your gaze- though the same eyes would watch me as I sleep.

Maybe I"ll never understand why you chose me. I"m a man of many faults- but I"m too greedy to let you go...

I can"t unbind you from me... even if I must"ve known from the day we met- how my existence would only make you suffer.

You know I"m hopeless against you and myself.

Even if I regret everything that I am and is bound to become, I can"t and won"t regret you.

Maybe someday you and I will change. Maybe time will try and erase us, make us doubt who we are-

But no matter what becomes of us, this heart of mine knows you and only you-

No matter how many times you forget, my heart is yours...

The world can try and take away everything but not you, Mikleo... never you or my heart.

As for the future of the Throne-

Let the prophecies be rewritten. My time as emperor is done.

When one story ends, another must begin. I"m sure the world deserves a better start.

There"s no kingdom or empire I wish to return to other than the one I already belong to.

I followed you here, my dearest. In body and spirit, I"m already yours.

How can I be loyal to anything else?

True destinies are chosen, not given. To me, you"re more than just a calling...

You"re my home, the one I"ve chosen for my eternity, the end of my days.

Every shard of your existence has been carved into my being. We"re one and the same.

So how can I choose the world and forget you?

They say I"m a savior born from impossible wishes.

Everyone thinks they can be saved. But in truth, saviors are no different.

They also feel alone. They also want to be saved. They also wish to break free.

The world has always been in chains... everyone struggles... no one is free... but does it even matter?

For the seeds of freedom always grow in the hearts of those who yearn for it the hardest-

And no chain of fate is too strong for those who wish to break free.

There are seeds that grow even in the most shallow light- a hope that burns even in the darkest despair.

In my life, wasn"t I saved so many times in the same way?

It was you who showed me who I was and who I am yet to be-

Someone who can love, laugh, and cry... who lives beyond saving what can be saved.

The world was just a void until you made me realize it exists.

I was nothing but a tool for the prophecies... and yet you cared for me...

You let me love you... even if I was too flawed and broken to love myself.

You who suffered the most never asked for anything in return...

You won"t have me give up who I am even if it hurts you...

Even if my one dream was to change the world for you, you wanted me to dream for myself-

You wanted a world where happiness can exist even when wishes get broken...

Even when you and I can"t be together.

I"ve endured your silence.

So this time let me be honest. Will you hear me out?

Love, don"t make me wait any longer.

Don"t try and hide yourself from me.

I"d rather be lost in the abyss holding your hand... than live on and on forgetting you.

Nothing keeps me here. I"ve lived through the centuries trying to protect our future, our dream...

I tried to give you up as you wished, to find my own way without you...

But I can"t go on any longer. I"m tired of not being with you...

Forever feels too long without you by my side.

So this time, let me forsake this life-

Set me free from the chains of the living so I can come and find you...

______________________________

November 2885

... from an anonymous journal recovered from Lord --- von Graf"s private collection

I don"t believe in miracles.

But like a miracle, the war finally came to an end. At first I hated it. It felt like a long, bad movie- with you sitting there wondering what a waste it all was.

I couldn"t help thinking how I would"ve been happier spending that much time somewhere else.

Then again, if not for the war tearing apart an already broken world riddled with broken dreams, I wouldn"t be what I am. Even if only for that, three years didn"t seem enough.

I wished the war went on forever.

Ever since it ended, there is only that one other fear that remained- and it"s so unlike anything imaginable. It has nothing to do with the war or its casualties or how it laid waste the world.

My worst fear was Sorey reminding me of the vow that binds us.

Before I realized it, three years have already passed since that time I"ve been awakened to my second self- or is it the third? If we follow the progression, I must"ve started as a humanoid like everyone else, fathered by some bastard progenitor in a lab. Then as if by magic, I was turned into a vampire by another fucking bastard.

And now I"m supposed to be a rotten god ordained by some other fucking god.

Right after the Zel"thalla had chosen me for its vessel, Sorey and I had made that promise to each other. You could say it was an oath that could never be broken throughout eternity.

Stupid as I was, when we signed that contract with our blood, I had thought I was ready for anything. There"s always the possibility of any decision being wrong- so I wasn"t naive not to consider how my obsession could backfire.

Then again, knowing it was a dangerous gamble from the start, what reason would I have to hold back? Instead of playing safe, I raised the stakes. Maybe the gods already knew what my cards were- or maybe they"ve already picked them for me even before the game had a chance to start. In any case, it"s either you"re left with nothing much to choose from- or there"s no other way to play than to risk all your chips on that one, single turn-

On that one single card that decides whether you win or lose everything.

You see, every day with Sorey feels like a dangerous gamble you can"t win, but you can"t quit either. I"m talking about that night.

I woke up to find Sorey crying in his sleep. I knew by then that the culprit must be a nightmare- a mental breakdown induced by having too much to drink. The commander, after all, had been drinking more than I"ve seen him do in recent months. Though I was the one who was dead drunk when we got back, it was easy to guess that Sorey was the one who had a lot on his mind back then.

Maybe I shouldn"t have left him on his own. I was trying to arouse his jealousy by dancing with the ladies and practically paying attention to everyone except him- "cause like the dickhead that I was, I wanted to see some semblance of him chasing after me. I was being petty, yeah- I"ve done the same a few times, and it never worked- but my gross stupidity wouldn"t let my pride alone. Why the fuck can"t I make him want me, beg for me, even just once?

Of course I was an ass, or maybe there"s just no cure for stupid. I couldn"t face that fact that the torture was on me. I was putting him in a position he didn"t ask for, baiting him with something that satisfies my hunger rather than his.

Watching Sorey get caught up in the cobwebs of his mind, I could only feel one thing- this pretend game of us being sweethearts was ending sooner than I feared. Since I signed up for it, I knew I had little to no reason to delay what"s coming. Still, like an idiot, some part of me was aching to be surprised.

Like an audience to my own performance, I was waiting for the reprise. But the music is down to its final notes, and the last scene has almost played itself out. The time has come- the prophecies seem to be saying- I should let him go.

They say misery loves company, but I"d be damned to say it"s true in every sense. Even if to the captain our arrangement was just as childish as playing house, I was at my happiest being with him- so happy I forgot the misery.

Every moment with him- even those spent in the shabbiest of places where we had thought obscurity would let us be- was worth the cost of any future regrets. But then, letting my arrogant ass brag about that feels almost like tempting fate to negate my certainty and prove me wrong.

I can"t let fate fuck it up one more time. The next day, I gathered enough courage to suggest that we visit the grave.

Sorey said nothing.

That same night, I woke up in the middle of a dream to find myself alone in bed.

I reached out to feel the sheets that were just barely warm. It couldn"t have been more than an hour since Sorey got up and left my side.

I crept into the garden, knowing he might be there- knowing he has that fucking habit of staring at the moon as if to commune with ghosts.

Of course I"ve always known that as far as the commander"s concerned, only one ghost ever really mattered. But what I came upon that night was far more sinister than just a ghost.

It"s a vision of a power so insidious it"s enough to mock even the pride of a Zel"thalla. When you think about it, the fact that it carries Sorey"s energy signature should hardly surprise. It"s the power of an emperor who has reached the limits of all reason and logic.

Before my eyes, embalmed in a light that cast ripples of energy that felt unearthly, like a forbidden force of magic pouring from the bowels of some underworld, was Lord Rulay... shining as beautifully and magnificently as ever.

On impulse, I looked at Sorey and realized that my knight is lost. Emerald eyes brimming with a desire that I"ve never seen in either the most lust-driven man or vampire, Sorey enclosed his chosen in his arms, fingers trembling as they traveled down those curves, slowly stripping both of them bare.

Under the trees, in the frozen light of the palest of stars, they communed in the spirit and the flesh. Their intertwined bodies told me that I shouldn"t be watching something so intimately private- but like the bastard that I"ve always been, I couldn"t look away.

I was baffled and angry- but the shock was more immense. There was no hesitation in Sorey despite the glaring evidence that the vision could be nothing more than an illusion- a deception its maker had cast to pleasure and ravish even if the outcome could only hurt in the end. Like any other beautiful lie carved out of the most desperate fantasies, it was almost perfect, and yet, and yet-

It could only be perfectly flawed because it"s unreal.

Then again, only a thirst so depraved could work on such a charming form of trickery. All I could think of was the depth of Sorey"s despair that gave birth to this fantastic abomination.

He must be clearly beyond himself with desire and yearning, stirred by a hunger so deep it was insanely maddening to realize I wasn"t the one who provoked it. But then, even if I curse myself a million times, there"s no way I can change the answers to those questions that have always bothered me.

Dammit, Sorey, what am I here for? Am I not enough? Will no one else ever be enough?

You don"t deserve this. You deserve to be happy... and this can never make you happy.

No matter how many times you bring Lord Rulay back this way and have him this way, it"s all the same.

It"s just an illusion, a forbidden power giving life to a sinister delusion. And even an idiot must know- a deception no matter how perfect will always be inferior to the truth it"s copying. The fact that it can"t be real is what"s grossly unacceptable about it.

But thinking back on this, I realized I was hardly fair to him. Sorey can"t be blamed for everything.

He"s spent seven hundred years pining for someone who won"t return.

If anything, I was the one who took advantage of his obsessions and agonies to keep him to my side. Even if he offered me a bargain, I could"ve turned my back and walked away. But I was no different from the jealous god that fucked the lives of those he couldn"t control and manipulate for his own ends.

I could"ve redeemed myself by not letting the Zel"thalla"s grudges taint my feelings.

I could have been kinder to Sorey... after all, at one point in that broken past we shared, I loved his chosen just as much.

I loved Lord Rulay as a man could love his first- never realizing how I might be hurting him more deeply than I could ever be aware of.

Shaming Sorey for going to such lengths to cope with his pains and sorrows is far from what I should be doing under this moonlight- as I watch their bodies entangle in this unholy light of shadows and illusions, desperate for that one thing that"s always being taken away from them.

Why have I been so blinded- not knowing that my love is just as tainted... and selfish... and stupidly narrow-minded.

Days grew into weeks then dragged into months. It"s not like Sorey lets me catch him doing it every single night- but how many times must I sneak up on him just to be sure? Hell, call me an idiot for being this obsessed, but there"s no way I"m putting up with the ghost that"s become Sorey"s secret companion. Here in the shadows where his yearning shivers like the darkness that never gets tired, their union strives desperately to surpass the illusion.

Yeah, I felt cheated- who wouldn"t? Just imagining for how long Sorey"s been acting like the madman that he was under that moonlight when I first chanced on it was enough to make me want to kill us both. I was beside myself with rage- but most of it was envy rather than jealousy when I think about it. For a fact, lust between mating vampires could never be one-sided no matter how passive the other is. I"m sure Sorey and I had our mutual moments of ecstasy- after all, unlike happiness, pleasure is nothing but pure, unbridled instinct.

No vampire is an exception when that hunger is aroused. But Sorey has a twisted way of getting around that too.

Compared to our most perverted cravings, the pleasure demon he"s unleashed was a terrifying sadist. Like a cruel master ravishing a tormented slave, the Sorey I"ve seen that night exceeded the most demonic and depraved. I"ve had my share of demons- I"ve seen the worst of them- mindless beasts left to rot in the dingy dungeons of Asgard"s asylum.

To be fucking honest, the way Sorey hungered and fed on Lord Rulay"s illusion aroused me morbidly- and yet the more violent feelings it awakened were those of pity and self-loathing.

Why didn"t I realize it sooner? Maybe I have- but I guess I was too blindsided to admit it.

I could lament my idiocy, pick the pieces of my shattered pride, and walk away- but would I be the wiser fool if I did? I wasn"t mad for losing to a ghost- I"ve no sentimentality for anyone"s past, and besides, Sorey"s never been an easy piece to play. What we shared was a stupid game where he and I didn"t care much about winning- only minimizing our losses in the hope that neither of us would lose more than we"re willing to live with.

But the thing is, even that could never have been on Sorey"s mind from the start. I guess I just fucking realized that I never had him rolling the same dice and making the same bets on the same gambling table with me- that the idiot might have handed me the lock to his heart- but never the key.

He and I never agreed on the rules when we decided to play this game- so breaking them couldn"t even change the outcome of this farce for better or worse.

When the time came, we needed no words to confirm it. We both knew it"s the best ending we could manage- the one that he truly wished for.

Besides, even if I didn"t want it, I have to remind myself- even if this choice ain"t about me, Sorey"s given more than he could to make me happy. He"s given what he could to ease the pain, the obsessive, maddening hunger that no one else can satisfy.

It"s my turn to give him something. It"s my turn to give up what"s most precious to me.

I have to keep my end of the bargain.

The day I gave Sorey the command to die, it was springtime.

As if even the gods came to taunt a tragic play, the weather couldn"t have been warmer that day. The sky was an endless blue... cloudless... and as clear as Sorey"s resolve.

To anyone who can see us, it must be clear how the gods hate us. Maybe it"s the reason humanity hates them back.

But something tells me, nothing"s really different between us. Why hate the gods when they can"t but move like shadows around a distant light, forsaken by the will of humanity? This power the world envies and covets is nothing but a calling.

In essence, it"s a power that"s only useful when the one who possesses it is acting on the desires of others rather than his own.

So despite the grandeur of all godly conceits- despite the rabid veneration of their followers- maybe the gods are no better than anyone. We"re all slaves to the consciousness of the universe, to this whole mass of creation that doesn"t even comprehend its own purpose for being.

Maybe a few of us are enlightened puppets. But who am I to judge what cannot be judged for its own sake?

Before the grave, under the sun-dappled maple leaves, I kissed Sorey for the last time. I savored his taste, his tenderness that I knew I had to let go. Even before I lose him, I can already feel it-

Memories of us, of this moment- of the times I had him in my arms and we"ve become one in the mind and the flesh- all these will never be enough. I guess that"s how I"ve finally accepted my destiny and my curse. Even if I deny it, ridicule it or pretend it"s just a fantasy, the reality of my existence is no illusion or delusion...

True enough, I"ve become the Zel"thalla. I"ve completely transformed into the one who"s damned himself, by his own free will, to this abject misery of an existence.

In exchange for the unknown, the Zel"thalla dared to taste an experience that must be so terribly frightening the gods only learned to fear and hate humanity even more. You can say the Zel"thalla"s a fool- but no one can deny he"s the only one who has ever tried to break free. Created out of the choices and desires of those who pray for salvation, he became the only god who"s ever known what it"s like to love absolutely.

I guess the final question is- what"s so amazing about choosing love? Love is for idiots. It"s the most foolish, most stupid thing there is- yet it"s almost impossible to find any one wise enough to get it right.

Maybe it"s the reason love"s the most misunderstood power. It"s the only shit that muddles even the best of us no matter how hard we try to come up with the best excuses not to fall for anyone who might use that power against us.

And maybe it"s the reason we all rather hate- because hate is just as powerful. It"s immortal, tenacious, and just as fucked up. Hell, at least, it makes no demands. It excuses everything- our petty hypocrisies, our filthy and depraved desires.

Hate welcomes our baser nature with open arms.

Hate makes us honest. It"s like being handed a license to be what you are- even if it"s evil.

Hate is power. It makes you stronger, bolder- it makes you want to take control of the universe and own it.

Next to hate, love must look dumb and pathetic- a loser that knows all its faults but keeps coming back like a pup asking to be kicked until the cruelty no longer hurts. Instead of fighting fire with fire, love stupidly tells us to give up whatever power we have for the greater good.

The fuck. Who needs kindness in a world that runs on greed? From every angle, hate seems like a better friend. It will never betray you the way real friends can- because hate trusts no one.

But I know better than to believe it. I don"t think any hater is happy with hating the same way lovers are happy with loving.

Yeah, anyone can hate for a good reason. But I"d rather be a fool for that someone- than to make a fool of myself denying my rejected feelings.

Right- love fucks everything up. It"s a mistake you can regret all you want- but hell, nothing else comes close to feeling so damn good.

I guess that"s how we ended up in this mess to begin with. Maybe the Zel"thalla inside of me"s no different from any human, vampire, or demon that"s ever existed. He"s a hateful, miserable godly monster who won"t deny his desires even if the world must weep for it.

Just like every godfucking ass who"s ever lived, all he could do was to remain true to himself. It didn"t matter that he was a fool for love- an embarrassing caricature of a child whining for that precious toy he wanted the most only because he didn"t know enough to want other things.

The thing is, it"s not the same as self-deception. The Zel"thalla might have known what he truly felt. He knew exactly who he wanted and why. It was just unlucky that he"s never known what it"s like to ever want anything for himself before.

They say we are what we desire. But if you ask me- desire alone doesn"t make us who we are. I don"t think it would"ve mattered if the idiot were a god, a demon, a human or some other. We"re all capable of the same lusts and perversions- but how we act on them, what we choose to do about them is what makes us different from everybody else.

Which makes me ask- aren"t heroes and saints made the wrong way? Somehow, you have to want some things for yourself to be wise enough not to want them when you"re seduced.

Love is always greedy, and I ain"t gonna sanitize it. Love and hate can feel the same way the moment you let greed get the better of you both.

But taking that one last look, that one last kiss from Sorey, I can"t help but realize-

Even the most rabid, selfish greed dissolves against this power in front of me.

Those emerald eyes which held no regret, no agony for the first time, made me go down on my knees and cry.

Our goodbye needed no words, no farewells that our hearts and minds haven"t spoken to each other before. It sounds absurd- but we might have been waiting for this end from the very first day we met... that fated day when the twisted will of the universe allowed our paths to cross.

In the end, I could only tell Sorey the only thing that"s left for me to say... thru the silence that"s louder than any heartbeat.

You don"t belong here, idiot- so I"ve no reason to keep you any longer.

Go to where your heart is...

Go to him... go find the one your heart truly longs for.

You"ve earned your freedom. So let your wish be my command.

Goodbye, Sorey....

This way, I hope you"ll let me earn my forgiveness.

I"m setting you free...

The moment I said those words, Sorey smiled. It"s as if he"s heard all that I needed to say- without me needing to say them.

When he opened his mouth, all I could do was swallow.

I knew he"s about to say his final words- and for the first time I couldn"t lie about it.

I"m not ready. No matter how long I"ve tried to prepare for it, I"ve always known I"ll never have the heart to endure this goodbye.

Again, just like that day, Sorey"s gaze was already far away... searching the distance for that one soul he couldn"t find. When he smiled to himself as if he"s looking forward to what was about to happen, I couldn"t take it. I couldn"t shed a tear as if my body was just too numb to feel anything.

I realized it was better that way. If I had let my feelings get to me, I wouldn"t have been able to let him go.

He looked at me, and I knew it was time. I kissed him for the last time before stepping away... knowing the command of death will take Sorey as soon as we break physical contact.

I could already feel him dwindling away, quietly, slowly... like a poem that"s saying too much with so little. And yet, even when I promised to hold myself back, I couldn"t stop myself from crumpling to the ground like a broken child who"s been abandoned... and didn"t know what tomorrow might bring.

Emerald eyes beheld me with a sympathy that made them seem all the sadder. Yet, in a final, futile gesture, Sorey tried to brush away my tears even as his voice sounded weak and fading. Standing just a foot away, he seemed already gone... slipping into a world I could never follow him to even if his words echoed in my mind as clearly as waves in a raging sea.

Goodbye, Wolfe. Thank you for everything- though no matter how many times I say it, I know it won"t be enough.

I"m not good at goodbyes... or apologies... I"m not good enough to think about others.

I"m selfish... but I can"t change even when everything I do ends up hurting the people I care about.

I"m not asking for forgiveness. I know I"ve done nothing to deserve it.

All this time, I"ve only been thinking of myself.

But if someday you find that one happiness meant for you, I know I can rest easy...

Don"t end up being what I am...

I hope that when you find your true happiness, it"s in a place of peace that no one can disturb...

A paradise Mikleo and I couldn"t find...

By then, Sorey"s ashes flew and scattered away like dead leaves. The command of death burned him into nothingness... sending him off like dust among the dunes in a seething sandstorm. I could only stare and howl my pain away- as if the scorching anguish would ever go away.

Yet those words he"d spoken will never leave this earth. Those words will forever be etched inside of me.

They say vampires have no souls- but who needs that when even the soul forgets?

Memories are all we have- and we lose them the moment we die. And that is why, this much I promise-

I will never die, Sorey.

I will hold on.

I will live on.

I don"t know what kind of existence one must be to deserve a soul, but I swear-

If nothing is so good or bad in this world that can last for all eternity, then even death can"t be that long.

You will never die for as long as I live...

You will never be forgotten.

Each day that passed since then felt like a century. I stopped counting the minutes, the hours, the months that came and went.

The moment I stopped counting, time passed with a blink of an eye.

One night I had a dream. Sorey was walking down a bridge, and I was running to him- but somehow I couldn"t get any closer.

There were petals falling from the sky, drowning my vision of him disappearing into the swarm of fleeting white. But just when I thought I had lost him, the scene faded into something else.

I opened my eyes to a meadow of wildflowers. A lone tree stood starkly in the middle of it.

I couldn"t move from where I was, but I could see an outline reclining against the tree, his head bowed against a tightly clasped sword planted on the ground between his knees.

Then as if sensing something coming his way, he looked up, and I caught my breath. Those emerald eyes seemed hauntingly mesmerized. For a second, I imagined myself looking that way at a ghost- or at someone I"ve waited for an eternity to return.

I knew the tearful gaze couldn"t belong to anyone but Sorey. I tried calling out to him, but somehow my voice got stuck in my throat, and I became shockingly speechless.

Eyes fixed onto the empty stretch of paradise before him, Sorey looked up as if startled. His gaze went through me as he froze in mid-step before breaking into a run. I couldn"t discern any other presence save that of an approaching fog, but whatever woke Sorey into alertness seemed urgent enough to force him to his feet.

His sword that stood upright fell to the ground with an empty thud.

By then I realized that the smoke that had crept up between him and the flowers was no mist or fog. It took on a cloudy, willowy shape... a silvery silhouette bathed in the purest white.

For a timeless second, I thought I was looking at an angel.

I could only stare as Sorey stumbled- then fell into the figure"s waiting embrace. For a moment, I couldn"t tell whether I was sad or happy to see the shape take on a form my heart recognized with a painful clarity.

My heart was saying this was how it should be- Sorey finding Lord Rulay on the other side. But before I could be sure if it was really him, something caught my eye.

It was snowing lavender. Silky petals carrying that poignant fragrance drifted aimlessly around us until the entire meadow became a sea of twilight.

As I watched them fall, I thought I caught a glimpse of Sorey"s fleeting smile... of tears catching the tiniest flicker of light through the boughs. Some part of me kept saying he must be in a better place- that the dream was supposed to be comforting...

The fuck. If that dream had any meaning, the bastard must know I loved him way too much to stop thinking and worrying about him.

If this dream could be believed, I could relish the thought that Sorey finally got his wish- and there"s no point in wasting any more tears no matter how bad the loneliness gets.

Little by little I found the will to breathe again... to open my eyes and accept the truth. But accepting the painful truth and letting go of the memories that are making it worse are two different things.

Maybe I was cursed like everybody else. No matter how the times have changed, how many seasons came and went, I knew I"d be stuck in that moment.

Talking about letting go just makes it even more poignant to admit that I can"t ever let go.

Every night since Sorey had left, I would wake up, reaching for that warmth that couldn"t get any colder through the years. I would open the window and light a cigarette, wondering why the sky never looked as beautifully sad as it did whenever twilight came to bid the day farewell.

Never has the world felt darker and lonelier than those nights I"ve spent thinking of that dream- of Sorey looking happier than I"ve ever seen him, surrounded by falling lavender that I suddenly wished he could see as clearly as those eyes... those lavender eyes that kissed his tears away.

If dreams can be more honest than any sliver of reality can, only one thing"s for certain- I"ve never felt happier.

In my mind only one image burns... and it"s Sorey giving me one last look before he turned to leave in the fog.

His breath was like a passing wind, whispering something so softly it almost seemed as if I just imagined it.

Thank you, Wolfe... sorry... and goodbye...

I coughed and cried, asking if we"ll ever see each other again. But he and Lord Rulay were gone.

I was alone again.

To this day, I keep seeing that image under the trees just before the twilight sky deepens into lavender.

I try to smile even when I feel like crying. Never has the world felt so empty and meaningless... a void devouring itself.

But then I made a promise. I won"t die, and I won"t forget.

I"ll wait until the very end.

I tell myself it"s enough to know that Sorey had finally found his peace- though enough sounds sadder than the ugliest lie. It"s a lie that sounds more horrible than any truth.

There were days I"d sit on that empty porch like I used to, just watching the snow. In spring I"d take long walks on the countryside, ending up at the lake no matter where I started. I"d wait there until evening- wait until the light of the silver moon finally caught up with me, threatening to pull me down into those shimmering depths that seemed able to swallow us both.

I guess the darkening currents looked tempting even when it"s cold. Too many times I found myself thinking... brooding over death the way Sorey probably did countless times.

Maybe in more ways than one I too wished to die- so I could follow him to nowhere that matters more than this place he"s left behind.

But like the fool that we both are, I know even death is just temporary.

Maybe, just like life, death changes nothing. I take deep breaths when those thoughts get to me.

I found myself traveling to every corner of the world. Though I hate Inferno"s Ballad the most, I always end up at the bar the fool had left for me in his will. I"d be sitting there a couple of times, buying myself a few drinks, imagining the captain"s faraway gaze as I try my hardest to humor him.

On darker days I knock on the room on the third floor, nervous for an answer that I know I"ll never get.

I imagine the windows rattling against a storm, the mattress creaking against the weight of two bodies.

I get fucking jealous, knowing how he and Lord Rulay did it in that room the same night they met- in this lifetime. The idiot left no detail out in his diaries- and I"m a fool to want to read them over and over even if every piece of their love story leaves nothing to the imagination.

Whether what drives me is obsession or curiosity, reading Sorey"s diary is like a never-ending battle with myself. At least, I"m the only casualty.

On other nights I find myself wondering whether Sorey and I ever came close to being real lovers. Like a bad habit I keep asking myself if he"s ever felt my desperation to be loved, to be needed the way he felt with his chosen.

But then I already know. What do you need answers for when your conscience can"t even lie hard enough to deny the ugly truth?

On nights like those I just wanted to get wasted. When I"m too drunk to give a damn about what"s real or not, the perverted fantasies take over. I relish the thought of Sorey next to me, beneath me, between my legs, cursing at me as I rip him apart, wanting nothing but to conquer his heart, his mind, his entire being.

All the while I knew I was hurting both of us. They say those who hurt also hurt others. Maybe I couldn"t stop hurting him because I was hurting more.

I only felt my wounds- and my pride made it all the harder to accept the pain. I wanted to make him bleed to prove to myself I could hurt him just as much as his chosen had hurt him.

There were moments when I relished his suffering... yet I"d be lying to say I was happy to remember any part of it.

Sorey, why was it that the entire time we were together, I couldn"t feel anything but misery?

I wanted nothing more than to win you over... but it"s clear from the start that the battle to your heart had already been won by someone else.

Still, nothing could make me regret falling for you. What I would do to have that misery back- than to sit here all by myself, hoping that tomorrow never comes?

You messed me up, you bastard- you fuckin" cheat! But for the life of me, why couldn"t I get you out of my mind?

On better days I visit the graves... the barn... the vineyard. I keep tracing back our footsteps, hoping to find the missing pieces of him that time is trying to snatch away.

Every music that plays at Inferno"s feels like a love song about our tangled lives. I humor myself into imagining we have a love story that"s better than any movie.

Yeah, I"m setting you up for laughs! Or maybe I"m just a fucking sadist who takes pleasure in his own tragedy. The truth is, my life can"t be anything but a long bad movie... with a fucked up script and a fucked up ending.

Then again, who"s to blame for that? Fate is lame and boring... like every prophecy that"s ever been born.

Last summer, I flew a plane back to that countryside, knowing I"d be stuck for at least a year just doing repairs to the barn. The lake was still where it used to be, and sometimes I"d take a boat and spend the rest of the day just lying there, watching the sky. More than a few times I"d take a dip when it"s hot... when the glitter smolders as if the water could hear me.

The soundless breath of the currents calm me down for some reason. Maybe nothing suits me better than repetition- as if something in the monotonous rhythm of my paddle breaking the surface of the water is supposed to remind me that it"s all right.

Nothing is more constant than change, they say. But hell, being constant is enough. It gets me thinking and hoping that someday I"ll get back everything I"ve lost... because I hate for things to change.

I hate for life to move on and leave someone behind.

I used to hate quiet. But now the monotony of silence beneath empty skies, whispering among the dead trees, sounds like music that sets my heart at ease.

Taking my boat around the lake, I catch myself talking. Sometimes I imagine the emerald ripples looking back at me, watching me make a fool of myself.

More than once I find myself trying to catch my breath. I guess it"s my way of swallowing down the urge to be honest, knowing that everything breaks down once I stutter that one name that kills me.

Shit, I hated crying. Who the fuck would cry because of a stupid name he hasn"t heard for centuries?

Damn right, you fucking bastard. Go ahead and laugh. But I ain"t crying no more.

Seriously, there are tons of ass in the ocean. All I need is a line. So don"t even think I miss yours.

Fine, maybe I do... even just a little. See? I give credit where credit is due.

But hell, if we ever get the chance to meet in your next life, don"t fucking expect me to be all over you.

You wanna get laid? Get yourself a number and wait in line. I"ve yet to pick myself a hobbyhorse.

Hell, yeah, I"m gonna get over you, you lame ass idiot- see if I don"t!

So what if I say the same shit every year? It can happen today- tomorrow- who knows?

I can give you up anytime I say so! After all, didn"t you say nothing"s impossible if I put my mind to it?

Gods, Sorey... I just want to fucking move on.

I want to be happy- for once. Don"t I deserve it, at least, after what you put me through?

Right- I"ve no one to blame but me. I must"ve been a fool for letting you mess with my mind.

Or did I just realize I was more happy being unhappy with you- than being unhappy without you?

Does that make any sense? Forget I said anything if it doesn"t.

Guess I"m a fool to think that time ever heals anything.

It never does. It only peels away our rough edges, leaving the most vulnerable parts untouched.

Time changes nothing even if we go on changing. How do I know?

"Cause it"s been centuries... and I"m still in love with you.

Damn right, you know it already. So why the fuck am I confessing, you ask?

Well, what"s all this stupid shit for if I"m the only one who"s bothered?

As if I care, Sorey. The world ain"t gonna stop turning just because you left.

Long after you and Lord Rulay are gone, I"ll still be here, playing the same old tunes like a vintage phonograph.

And that"s what"s pissing me off. Can"t believe we"re all here to have one lesson shoved down our guts-

That life is a major bitch. It goes on and on for the chance to fuck us over and over.

Even when things don"t go the way we want it- even when death takes away what keeps us living- life shoves us right back in.

But the moment we get the hang of enjoying our misery, it pulls the rug from under us. It kills us with irony.

So what are the gods here for? What do they care about our wishes if they don"t understand a thing about us?

They"re the clowns asking for laughs just as we"re the captive audience begging to be entertained.

We live, we die, the world keeps on turning. Maybe nothing makes sense because all we get is nothing.

And what is sense but an intellectual distraction for wiser fools?

Sooner or later I know I"ll move on without you.

But for the last time, let me lie to myself and think I can handle this.

I know you"ve put up with me enough.

I know I"ve had my share of you- those hot, crazy nights when I held you in my arms.

You say it should be enough. Well, they better be- "cause if you"re actually here, I"m warning you- I"ll never let you go.

Even if it"s a lie to say this over and over, it"s enough that you hear me out.

It"s enough that I can tell you all the things I"ve never had the chance to tell you.

I didn"t know a thousand years could feel like hours. Everything feels like yesterday... like a dream when I first kissed you under this sky.

How can I forget that? There"s not a single day that I stopped thinking about you- that I stopped wishing to see you one last time.

Every chance I get makes me want to think harder about those things I took for granted- things I could"ve said or done to ease your burdens.

Even if none of that makes any difference now, just imagining that you could hear me would have to be enough...

"Cause God knows, Sorey... in my heart I still can"t say goodbye.

Captain... nothing"s ever been the same since you left.

I had thought I"d mourn your loss the way lovers do.

But strangely, I find myself thinking more about what we had as friends.

Every time we break, it"s the friendship that got us back together.

Maybe it"s just as you say- there are as many emotions as there are stars in the sky.

Each love feels different- but it"s love all the same. You can only take as much as you can give.

The more greedy you get, the less you get. The harder you fall, the harder you break.

Loving you felt like loving myself in pieces.

I wanted to take away your loneliness, but maybe what I really wanted was to lose the fear.

I needed you, wanted you so bad that I allowed myself to feel incomplete.

And I hated it. I didn"t want an irreplaceable person staying in my heart, rent-free.

I"d rather think that when love goes and stays is up to us to decide.

We can only choose our own happiness- that of others depends on what they"re capable of choosing for themselves.

So I didn"t think too much about your happiness- or your unhappiness. I fucking cared only about me... "cause I"m hurting.

I was afraid of loving on my own... of being caught up in the ghosts of some past that"s never coming back no matter how I wished for it.

I didn"t want to be like you- to keep searching for the same face in the crowd, waiting for that sound, that look that only I will ever recognize.

I was afraid of one day seeing myself in the mirror only to find someone else"s eyes gazing back at me-

Eyes burning with a million scars... hopeless desires and broken wishes that remind me too much of the love I never had.

Yet I can"t hate you the way I hate myself...

Every piece of you that reflects me only makes me want to know myself a little better.

I know someday I"ll stop crying over you...

Maybe I"ll meet someone who"ll make me fall so hard I"ll forget you...

Until then, living with your memories would have to be enough. I swear-

I"ve endured more than enough, Sorey. Guess I"m not as unfeeling as you and I had thought.

If this stone-cold heart could bear the impatience of waiting or eternity...

Whichever takes longer... I guess it would have to be enough...

For now, it would have to be enough.

o------------o)O(o------------o

Notes:

If you feel that this ending is better than having a continuation, you can forego reading the epilogue. I know some readers would rather have an ambiguous ending- one that makes you want to imagine how it really all ends so you can have your own preferences without the writer getting in the way.
As for me, I will die without the epilogue. I"ve completed this chapter in time for Zesty"s 8th Anniversary- but the epilogue was unfinished- and I can"t force myself to hurry it up and just end it the fastest way I can. Like I said, I always write for myself when I write- so I end up asking myself whether I"m happy with the result or not.
Sharing this with all of you is a privilege and a pleasure. My work is more of a hobby than anything, but it"s a joy to me- life"s simple pleasures, if you will. If there"s someone out there who likes this even a little, I"d like you to know that your appreciation goes a long way for me. Thank you so much~~ ^_^
Special mention:
Thanks, Aeribelle, for putting up with my moods, my absences, and my broken promises. I wish I could be as determined and committed as Sorey. I try to be- but I think I"m more of a laid-back version of Mikleo. I always use sarcasm on myself (and the haters I love so much) then end up apologizing for being a little too insensitive.
FINALLY-
For those looking forward to the epilogue, I"ll have it before the end of May- along with the latest updates for my unfinished fics. Thanks so much for waiting~~ ^_^ and have an amazing week, all of you!

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