Chapter Text
“For Sale”
Clarke is pretty sure that sign has been in the same window for almost a year now. She wonders if it’ll ever be removed. A part of her hopes not, not until she can be the one to cause its removal. She knows it’s got to be only a matter of time now though, and she doesn’t see herself being able to buy it any time soon.
She takes the last sip of her coffee before turning around and tossing it into the trash and walking off down the street toward her apartment. It really would be the most convenient location for her gallery, it’s so close to her apartment and since Clarke doesn’t have a car, she’s gotten used to public transportation and walking.
The day could be colder, but it’s a nice temperature for October. So she doesn’t mind the walk as much as she will later on in the winter. It’s the kind of weather that has her admiring the sky and straggling behind, so she gets home much later. She’d normally call Lexa when she takes walks like this, but she was weary about it knowing she was in her studio, working. Always working.
It wouldn’t be like Lexa to stop. Though Clarke figures she might if she were to call her. She has a tendency to not though. Lexa would sacrifice a lot for her if she’d ask her too, but she’s never going to ask her to sacrifice anything. Besides, Lexa has a bit too big of a name now to even try.
Her mom would be proud of her.
Smiling at that thought she finally pulls out her phone to check the time again and noticing that it’s half past one, she decides, it’s probably time for Lexa to eat, so she’ll interrupt her busy day because she needs to eat. She won’t if someone wasn’t around to remind her, which is not good for her at all.
She is running on a time limit however, she’s got a stream to do pretty soon, and that’s late as it is. But she doesn’t mind making it later when it comes to Lexa, it’s either because she’s a really good friend, or because she’s really in love with her really good friend, either way, she’s going to make time for her, nonetheless.
She has more time than Lexa does though, she normally does.
***
“I don’t like the last part.” Lexa says for the third time. They play it back for her again, just to make sure and she only shakes her head before it’s being cut again. She’s probably recorded this last part about a billion times, but she can’t get it right. Maybe if she liked the song a bit more than she does it wouldn’t be as big of a problem, but her label has a way of working in things that mean very little to her.
She suffers through it though, one song out of an entire album doesn’t hurt too bad. “Do you want to just come back to this one, I fear you might pass out if you have to sing any piece of it again.” Echo gives her a look from where she’s sprawled out on the couch and Lexa can only shrug. Usually her production team is slightly larger, but last year her label had fired most of her previous team. Lexa refused almost anyone else they tried to get her to work with after that in an effort to try and get them back.
It didn’t work.
“Might as well just suffer through it.” She says with a sigh before losing her focus over the production board at the buzz of her cellphone in her pocket. She pulls it out as Atom is cutting through the track currently being worked on. He’s probably trying to find an alternative to the ending, but Lexa can’t be bothered to pay attention when she sees Clarke’s name appear on her phone.
Clarke (1:32 P.M.): I know you haven’t eaten, meet me at Arcadia Café in 20?
Lexa (1:32 P.M.): Are you walking?
“You’re going to have to record it again, but maybe we can improvise a little, make it more you?” Atom pulls the headphones from his ears until the headset sits around his neck. He looks up at her sympathetically, but she misses it since she doesn’t bother to take her eyes off her phone.
“Definitely, but we should break.” She moves from where she had been hovering over him as his expression morphs into slight shock. There’s only one way that Lexa takes breaks, and that’s either if she’s passing out or Clarke.
Clarke (1:33 P.M.): That’s why I said in 20
“You actually want a break?” Atom looks at her incredulously like she doesn’t even know what that word means, and it takes Lexa all of two seconds before she’s cracking a smile.
“Yes, I do know how to do that you know.” She jokes as Echo snorts in disbelief from the couch. Lexa shoots her a playful glare. “What are you even doing here? You aren’t helping.”
“Excuse you, I am taking a break. I’ve been up since 3 this morning working on your album, ungrateful brat.” She flips the page of her book as Lexa shakes her head.
“Bitch.” She replies jokingly as Echo rolls her eyes.
Lexa (1:36 P.M.): I’ll pick you up, where are you?
Clarke (1:36 P.M.): No, that’s okay, I want to walk. It’s a nice day.
“So which girlfriend is calling for you, the one the entire world is obsessed with, or the one you’re obsessed with?” Echo’s eyebrows shot up and down in another teasing motion. Lexa and her didn’t get a long at first, but many late nights and early mornings in a small studio can change things. Clarke still does not like her though.
Lexa makes the decision to mostly ignore whatever she’s saying to her. She hardly makes sense anyway. “I don’t even know what that means.”
Lexa (1:37 P.M.): If you insist,
She pockets her phone and grabs her bag from the chair she had first thrown it in when she entered this morning. “I’ll see you guys in a bit, going for lunch.”
“Tell Clarke I said hello.” Echo calls as she pulls the door open.
Lexa glances at her as she adjusts the bag on her shoulder. “She doesn’t like you very much.” She states truthfully, a statement that isn’t needed because Echo already knows it.
She shrugs. “It’s mutual, I still say hello.”
Lexa chuckles. “Alright,” She waves at Atom and Echo alike before exiting the studio and she can’t be out of there quick enough. She spends lots of time there, it’s not always suffocating, but today, today has been suffocating. She’s annoyed when the label makes her do anything she didn’t decide to do by choice and they do that often. She often doesn’t have a choice, they practically own her entire life because of her contract.
She clears that from her mind for now and heads out to her car, avoids the flash of a camera she sees from the corner of her eyes and thinks about Clarke. She loves café lunch days. Clarke doesn’t always enjoy them because the swarm of paparazzi that sometimes finds them there, but she loves any second she gets to spend with Clarke.
So she’s practically speeding out of the parking lot the moment she’s in her car, she just hopes no one follows her and she hopes Clarke is in a good mood.
***
Lexa is already there when Clarke finally makes it through the threshold of Arcadia Café. She can smell the recent paint job, and the newly designed spaceship on the sign is probably doing better for business than just the white letters of the name used too. It’s their favorite place to eat or get coffee. It has been since they both first moved to the city. It’s gotten a lot of publicity since then, they thrive off of the fact that Lexa and her friends like to eat there. It annoys Clarke, as most anything ingenuine in Lexa’s life does. But Lexa tells her that’s the price she has to pay. Clarke doesn’t see how that’s fair.
They have a usual table as well, it’s away from the window of course, against a wall next to a painting of a large tree that Clarke’s obsessed with. The television in perfect view so they can make fun of the news or Lexa can watch whatever sports game she’s interested in when it comes on. They spent a lot of time here when they first arrived, and Lexa wasn’t so busy. Of course, they didn’t come too far, as the town they lived in was only just barely outside the bustle of civilization.
It was still a change, a big change. Things have changed even more since than as well. Lexa wasn’t so busy then, her career just starting. Her re-location threw a wrench in a few of their plans together, but Clarke was happy to set those aside for Lexa’s dreams, they just had to re-evaluate their plans. She forgot to think about where they’d live when Lexa got signed to a label, she naively imagined staying in the same small town and taking road trips, but that’s the impractical thoughts of a teenage girl.
25-year-old Clarke knows much better.
“What took you so long, slow poke.” She grins at her widely, she must have had about two teas before Clarke finally arrived, but that’s not unusual for their new routine.
Clarke sits down and wraps her hands that have grown cold from her walk around the warm mug of the latte Lexa ordered for her, probably a few minutes ago. She always times her arrivals pretty perfectly. She was ten minutes later than she had said she’d be. Perhaps its because they’ve known each other so long by this point that she’s just predictable to Lexa, in fact, that’s probably the truth. But Clarke’s heart has a way of pumping entirely too hard at little things like this.
“I said I wanted to walk.” She sips her coffee. “Did you order food too?” Lexa doesn’t even need to answer, Clarke knows she did. She knows what she ordered as well. Perhaps Lexa is predictable to her as well.
“Of course I did.”
“Good because I’m starving.” She grumbles slightly as she finally shrugs the bag on her shoulder off and hangs it on the back of the chair before she takes another big gulp of her coffee. The chill had finally got to her, she was still feeling it.
“Did you go stare at that gallery again?” A knowing look crosses Lexa’s green eyes and Clarke stares into them a moment, admiring them the way she often likes too.
She smiles at her best friend. “I stare at it every walk.”
“You should just let me help.” Lexa pouts slightly. “Like a big birthday present.” She emphasizes “big” with her hands but “big” doesn’t cover what buying a gallery for her would actually be. That’s much too extravagant and Clarke makes her own money, she doesn’t need the media getting ahold of some crap story because Lexa likes to throw cash down for her friends.
“You already know what I’m going to say to that.”
Lexa sighs. “Yeah, yeah.” She waves her hand as if to wave off Clarke’s denial.
“Oh look, your favorite news channel is on!” Clarke mumbles with fake excitement, laughing as Lexa rolls her eyes at her before reluctantly turning her head to look at it.
“Girls,” Their usual waitress, Niylah, sets their food down for them before they bother to start paying attention to the gossip being presented on the channel.
“Thanks, Niylah.” Clarke mumbles as she offers up a friendly smile before leaving them to enjoy their meal.
Lexa scoffs. “She’s so obvious about it.”
“Hmm?” Clarke says distracted as she bites into her BLT.
“She drools over you.” Lexa says with a chuckle as she pulls the top bun on her burger off, so she can place mustard on it, which always has Clarke wrinkling her nose.
“Weird to infer from one word.” She raises her eyebrow at her best friend before taking another bite of her sandwich.
Lexa’s chuckle is bright, Clarke loves the sound of it. It’s normally hard to find when she’s been working so long and so hard. That label sucks the life out of her, Clarke hates it. “She gives you big puppy eyes every time she sees you. She’s done it for like three years. I’m surprised she hasn’t said anything to you yet.”
“Well, I’m always here with you and everyone thinks were dating.” Clarke says nonchalantly though she never feels nonchalant when she brings up the speculations and rumors their fans and some media outlets have come up with. She knows it’s her own fault, it’s the way she looks at her, as many of her fans remind her. She can’t help it, it’s not a conscious thing. She hates that there’s so much photo evidence, but Lexa still seems oblivious, so perhaps she’s not as obvious as she thinks she is.
“Ah, not everyone.” At that moment Lexa points a fry at the television screen, the gossip story they had moved onto for today is of course of Lexa and her colleague and probably second closest friend Costia. The entire world is obsessed with them, Clarke tries to forget about that as much as she can, but the world is always intent on reminding her.
“You want to talk about someone who drools over another.” Clarke gives her a knowing look, she buries the slight twist in her gut down as far as she can, buries the screaming protest in the back of her mind. Lexa can never know, so she plays her part.
“Please it’s exactly the same situation we’re always in. We’re friends, I promise.” Lexa rolls her eyes but she’s grinning, she must be happy to be out of the studio, but she always laughs when Clarke teases her about Costia. It’s a fact that makes Clarke think that perhaps Lexa really is greatly interested in Costia. She honestly has no idea, Lexa is never obvious about her own crushes. She’s not like Clarke, there’s not even a clue in her eyes.
“I believe you, I’m just saying, I don’t believe that’s all she wants.” Clarke ignores the twist in her gut at that, she’s always had it. She knows it’s probably just a matter of time, but right now Lexa genuinely doesn’t seem to be mutually interested. Than again, she’s also not interested in Clarke like that either, so perhaps her and Costia have more in common than she likes to think.
“Even if you’re right, never going to happen.” She’s so assertive when she says it and even gives Clarke her best pointed look. Clarke believes her for now, she doesn’t know why she gets so serious about it whenever Clarke is messing around but it’s pretty common by now.
“Oh, I don’t know, the entire world loves it, maybe they’re seeing something we’re not.” She teases further, perhaps she loves torturing herself because this is surely a conversation that she doesn’t quite enjoy having but she always does this. Like talking about her and Costia will keep Lexa off the scent of her own feelings. Or maybe it’s because Clarke’s obsessed with the world’s obsession with them. She’s jealous, annoyed, frustrated.
“Hey, what about our fans?” Lexa seems genuinely offended that she’s omitted them.
Clarke offers up a laugh. “What about them?”
“The same logic can be applied the thousands of them. Do you secretly love me Clarke?” Lexa is smiling, eyes bright and light-hearted and Clarke can feel the air leave her lungs, but she doesn’t gasp. She’s been asked this by her before. All she can do is avert her eyes and hope Lexa is just as dumb to it as she’s always been.
“Oh yes, obsessed even. Moved cities for you.” She says with a slightly higher pitch to her tone, dipping fries into ketch-up and shoving them into her mouth so she doesn’t have to say anymore.
Lexa laughs. “It’s mutual clearly.”
She rolls her eyes and wishes that was true. “Dork.”
***
“I’ll see you tonight.” Lexa pops down the tip on the table, she’s always the one to cover the tip. She doesn’t protest whenever Clarke wants to do it, but she will always leave her own sum. Especially for Niylah, because even though her crush on her best friend is annoying, she’s quite a friendly person and always gets their orders perfect, even gives them things for free sometimes. She’s also fast to call in security when she sees the paparazzi loitering around.
“I thought you’d be stuck at the studio until late?” Clarke stands up as well, pulling her bag from the back of her chair and pulling it on her shoulder. Lexa watches strands of her hair that get tucked under it before she moves forward and carefully pulls the strands from under the strap, stock the strands back behind her ear as Clarke stares up at her.
“I was going to try and get out early actually.” Lexa sighs. “I could use a big long break.” She frowns slightly at that because she knows she’s not really going to get one and lets her hand drop from Clarke’s hair. Once the album is done, she starts her world-wide tour, she hasn’t even been back from the last one for very long. It’s a never-ending cycle and her label is demanding. They own her and they know it and there’s nothing that Lexa can really do about it.
“It’s Wednesday.” Clarke eyes her slightly. “You usually fall asleep there.” It’s not even accusing, it’s just true. Lexa hates being worked this hard, like she’s not a human, like she’s only meant to make them money. They don’t see her as a person anymore, she wonders if they ever did.
“I won’t. Raven said she was making her pasta dish.” She feels better thinking about that, Raven is an amazing cook. Far better than most anyone she’s ever met, except Anya. But Anya is good at everything.
“I think she moved that actually because she’s working late.”
“What?” Lexa pouts and Clarke lets out a big beautiful laugh, her hand reaching out to squeeze Lexa’s arm and comfort her. Her touch is warm and stays on Lexa’s skin long after she removes it, it always does. Clarke is so comforting, a breath of fresh air, it’s perhaps why Lexa has always loved her so much. She truly is the best friend that Lexa could have ever asked for, she doesn’t deserve her but she’ll do her best to keep her.
“I guess I’ll buy Chinese.”
“So, you’re still coming by?” Clarke says it like she’s shocked and Lexa doesn’t know why but it stings slightly. Maybe because she has a reason to say it like that, with the way her label works her they don’t get much time together, they haven’t for a long time. Lexa is unreliable with plans because her life is hardly her own. She can live with it when it effects herself, but when it effects Clarke she starts to see things differently.
“I come by for you, Raven’s cooking is a bonus.” Lexa says with an eyeroll because Clarke already knows this.
“Okay, but if you’re too tired it’s okay if you just go home and get some sleep. I can tell you haven’t been getting enough of it, you’re pouty.” Clarke grins brightly at her and Lexa feels comforted at the sight of it. She wishes she could wrap Clarke up and bring her wherever she goes. She just makes her happy, makes her feel better, lighter.
But, sadly, that’s just not their reality.
“I am not.” She pouts on que and Clarke lets out another beautiful laugh.
“Oh no, you’re in a big happy mood.” She teases, her eyes lighting up a bit.
“I hate you.” She continues to pout. “I have to go; do you want a ride?”
“No, I want to walk.” She says, and Lexa already knew she’d say that. Clarke is like this right before it gets too cold. She’s not big on winter weather, so she’s soaking up what’s left of fall.
Lexa sighs. “Okay, text me when you get home safe.”
“Of course.”
“Have a good video stream tonight.” She kisses her cheek and feels Clarke’s reply in the way she squeezes her arm again, warm and soothing and lasting.
She gives Clarke one last look before exiting the café and heading back to the studio. She’s got a meeting with her manager, Indra, and she’s pretty sure she knows how it’s going to go. They don’t have much to discuss right now, outside of Indra pushing for her to do something else she doesn’t want to do for good publicity.
The latest push is dating Costia, or more like business dating, since it’s only to make the label look good. Costia rose to fame a bit before Lexa and has been with Polis Records for a few years longer. They became friends pretty fast because their work schedules are the same and they’re two top-selling artists for Polis, so they’re often touring and doing shows together. Now the label has taken it upon themselves to insert themselves into their relationship, or lack thereof.
They want one, Lexa won’t ever do that. It’s been a fight for a little while now. Thank god they don’t have the legal power to dictate her relationships, that’s at least one thing they can’t completely control. If they could, Clarke would be gone, Costia would be her girlfriend and Lexa would have gone batshit insane.
Her manager is only pushing it because she thinks it’ll help her sales go up, not that they’re down or bad. Lexa’s popularity doesn’t need the push, but Indra seems to think it’ll give her fans some confidence, since a large portion of them are apart of the LGBT community. Lexa is sure though, that a fake relationship is the last thing that anyone needs.
“You’re late.” Indra mutters in her normal cold manner. She’s always been straight-forward, business-oriented. Lexa’s been with her for a few years now and she’s been mostly satisfied with how she runs things. She likes her no-nonsense business attitude, it attributes to a lot of her success.
It’s another reason that her pushing for a publicity stunt like fake dating Costia is weird. She doubts that it’s exactly Indra’s idea and sees it more as probably the label pressuring her in ways that Lexa isn’t often witness too. They’ve done things like that before, they don’t really see Lexa as a person, or Costia, or any artist signed to them for that matter. They’re money making machines. In fact, if they could replace Lexa with an actual robot, she’s sure they would, the robot would listen better.
“I was having lunch.” She explains as she sits down on the couch with Indra.
“So we’ve added two more locations to the tour and we want to announce it soon.”
“Tickets aren’t going on sale until after the release of the album though.”
“We’re just talking about it, letting the world know what’s coming, you’re fans more specifically. Also, did you think about what we discussed last time?”
“The dating thing?” Lexa rolls her eyes and immediately sinks back into her chair.
“That’s not necessarily what it has to be. I was thinking adding Costia to the tour would be good enough actually.”
“She’s really busy working on her own stuff and she’s got that TV show now, I doubt she has time for a tour too.”
“The Label is bound to push it, Nia has been butting heads with her manager over it for the past couple weeks.”
“Of course she has.” Lexa rolls her eyes, just the sound of Nia’s name puts a bad taste in her mouth. That woman… is truly awful and she doesn’t think that way about people lightly. She wasn’t in charge of the label when Lexa was first signed to it. There had been a kinder gentleman in charge, older and he died a few years ago. After his death it was supposed to go to his son, who is arguably worse than Nia, but he messed that up and Nia bought them out.
Lexa thinks she should have taken the opportunity to branch off than when everything was up in the air, try something new. But she’s still unsure about that or if she’d even be successful without a large team behind her, she never feels quite brave enough. “You just have this final track left to record than?”
“Yes, the album is mostly done, though I haven’t chosen between the bonus tracks yet.”
“Leave that to Echo and Atom, they’ll figure it out better than you can.”
Lexa laughs. “Oh thanks.”
“I’m just saying, they’ve heard all the songs and they don’t have your brain, they’re also professionals, they can handle it.”
“Do you think we can get Lincoln back in the studio.”
“He quit Lexa.”
“Yes, but that’s only because they wouldn’t give him a raise, besides I thought we could hire him independently?”
“We’ve talked about this, they’d never go for it.”
“We don’t have to tell them right away.”
“Lexa,”
“Yeah, yeah, I know.”
“I’m sorry, you know I tried as hard as I could. Clarke says he’s doing drum covers on the internet now and I happen to know that he’s working for Polis security now so maybe we can get him on the tour.”
“Yeah maybe,” Lexa sighs.
“Get back to work, I’m still trying to find a replacement for your guitarist.”
“Did you look into my sister like I asked?”
“I haven’t got ahold of her yet.”
“Keep trying.”
“I will but in the meantime, as much as I love Anya and I really do, she’s insufferable.”
“And she prides herself on it.” Lexa says with a proud smile and a chuckle that Indra returns. She leaves the office with a final wave to her manager and makes her way back to her studio to try and finish this final song. Though it doesn’t feel right for it to be the final song, in fact, the entire album still feels like it’s missing something, and it continues to sit heavily on Lexa’s gut.
***
“I am sorry I was late today.” Clarke says to her camera as she pats her pencil against her drawing pad on the table. She’s very late actually and she’s not exactly sorry about it either but she’s still going to say it anyway.
“Was waiting all day for this.” And many more comments a lot like it start to appear on the screen. She’s waiting for the room to fill up before she begins to take requests, they often hand out to her.
“I know, I know, I was having lunch with a friend.” Normally she would drop Lexa’s name, but her fans get crazy when she does that, especially lately with all these rumors about Lexa and Costia. Last week there was a full-on fight in the comments section and Clarke had to do some kicking.
Sometimes it’s all just too much for Clarke. She just wants to relax, sometimes she likes to pretend that nobody knows who they are, sometimes she likes to pretend that she doesn’t know who anyone else is. Today feels a little heavier in that way.
So today she doesn’t even mention Lexa, but she knows by now she doesn’t even have to. They’ll bring her up themselves. “So how is everyone today?” She begins to doodle on her pad, not requests yet, more like a warm up, not that she exactly needs to warm up, but she always looks at it as that.
“Were you with Lexa?”
“Draw Lexa.”
“What’s the new art cover going to be on Lexa’s album?”
Clarke can feel a chuckle leave her as she reads through the comments, eventually they will start to move too fast, as the amount of people increase, and she gets a lot of people on these Wednesdays.
“What’s Lexa’s new art cover going to be? Well that’s a secret and a surprise, wouldn’t want to ruin that would we?” She teases but sketches a part of it anyway. “I’ll give you a slight sneak peek.” She says and shows it up for a few seconds.
Wednesdays are always the best time for livestreams because Raven works late so she doesn’t come home in the middle of them and can’t be disturbed by them but she does them late enough in the day that her fanbase is often able to watch them, right after school or class or a work shift and she’s there to accompany them for awhile as they unwind. She likes it, she likes drawing whatever she wants and whatever they want as well.
It’s a very relaxing experience but it doesn’t change how exhausting it is and how tired Clarke always is by the end of it. Most of the time it’s because she spends the majority of the stream answering a lot of questions about herself and Lexa. It can become taxing, but her fans have a sense of humor and they see her far more than the rest of the world does.
Sometimes they see her even more than Lexa does, but Clarke tries not to think about that.
When the room is full enough Clarke slips through her Wednesday stream routine. She asks for requests and she draws them. She talks and answers questions while she works and when all the requests are only left with Lexa she gives in and she draws her, different sketches until the end of the stream.
She’s drawn Lexa so many times it’s almost muscle memory and yet, somehow, she never gets tired of it.
Clarke is obvious, she has no idea how Lexa hasn’t seen it yet. Maybe it’s because she’s just not looking, maybe she’s afraid to say anything because she doesn’t have these same feelings and Clarke isn’t stupid, she knows Lexa doesn’t return them. If she could, she’d turn her own right off. But she can’t, she’s been stuck with them since she was sixteen and learned that liking girls too was a thing she wasn’t getting out of.
Someday Lexa will probably marry someone that is definitely not her and she will maybe finally be free by then, maybe her brain, her heart will let this all go and they can go back to gentle touches without racing hearts and hugs that don’t last thirty seconds because Clarke doesn’t want to let go. And she won’t be able to make anything weird anymore and won’t have to worry about Lexa finally bringing it up and completely destroying the only friendship she’s ever loved more than anything else.
In the meantime, though, she’ll draw and stream and try her best to keep it to herself. Who cares what their fans say, who cares if her own see it so damn clearly because Clarke is clearly the worst actor in the entire world. Who cares, as long as Lexa doesn’t bring it up than Clarke doesn’t have anything to worry about.
***
Lexa is just leaving her studio when she bumps into Costia, literally because the girl is staring down at her phone, completely engrossed and looking perplexed about whatever is floating on her screen. She’s going to be late to dinner as it is but she’s still going, she may be ready to pass out and Clarke may have given her the okay to go home instead but she doesn’t want to. She wants to be with Clarke.
She’s become quite a needy friend since she got famous.
“Hey, you’re still here.” Costia chuckles as she powers the screen off on her phone and shoves it in her pocket.
She nods and moves her head in the direction of her studio door. “Yeah, just finishing up, I could say the same to you.”
Costia sighs and Lexa can see the same stress on her face, the dark circles under her eyes, the frown she hides behind the slight forced smile. She’s just as over-worked as Lexa, and just as powerless. “You know how it is. How’s the tour planning coming?” Costia looks tired just asking her.
Lexa decides that’s not something she’s really in the mood to talk about. “Eh, are you going home?” She asks instead and sees the relief that washes over Costia’s face.
“Yes,” She says gratefully, “are you?”
“I’m actually going to Clarke’s, but could you feed Venus for me?” She was going to swing by there first to do that but if Costia is heading there it can save her the trip and the gas.
“Of course, is Raven cooking?”
“No, she moved it to tomorrow sadly. I’m picking up Chinese, want anything?” Costia will say no, she already knows it. Lexa knows her friends well and Costia is no exception. She doesn’t really like Chinese food but sometimes she’s in the mood for an egg roll or two. Today however, she can tell that the only thing Costia wants is to sleep.
“I’ll be out by the time you get home, if you get home, I know how you love your time with Clarkey.” Costia bats her eyelashes teasingly and Lexa rolls her eyes, ignoring that slight twist of dread in her gut at the implication. She learned a long time ago that what used to be harmless pairing has become a big invasion of privacy. Clarke has never handled it very well. She can’t blame her.
There’s always this weird feeling whenever Costia teases her like this. She never knows quite the reason, but she has an idea that has to do with everything that the media has done to them. She just wants to protect Clarke and she’s often reminded that she can’t whenever Costia brings them up. “Shush, don’t you start, you’re as bad as her fans.” She has to say, she prefers Clarke’s fans over Costia’s, Costia’s are so aggressive and invasive about the “shipping” thing.
“We’re all enlightened.” She winks playfully.
“I don’t think our fans would be too happy to hear you say that.” Lexa keeps it light, chuckling because she knows they’d probably go crazy in a very bad way.
“Or our label, would they?” Costia laughs. “Ridiculous all of them. Why is it never just about the music anymore?”
“And the art.” Lexa clarifies because Clarke is apart of this conversation too.
“Oh right, though I still think Clarke’s secret talent on the guitar is something she shouldn’t hide.”
“It’s a hobby, she doesn’t want to share it with the world.” She remembers the night Clarke said that too her. It was not the best night, Clarke was stressed and sad and when Lexa filmed her on the guitar, she requested that it never see the light of day. They had a whole conversation about how sometimes Clarke feels like nothing is her own anymore, so as far as anyone knows, Clarke has no musical talent.
“I’ll see you at home.” Costia gives her a weak tired smile.
“Yeah, though you might be asleep by the time I get there.”
“Oh, I’ll definitely be asleep, and I’ll probably have your cat too.”
“I think she likes you more than me.” Lexa pouts.
“Nah, she just associates me with food. See you later, love.” Costia squeezes her arm much in the same way Clarke did earlier that day, but it never leaves the same feeling on Lexa’s skin, never the same warmth, it never last. It’s just a brief friendly touch, it’s gone as quick as it comes. That is one of the reasons she knows she could never date Costia. They just don’t have that kind of chemistry.
***
It's late, probably almost two in the morning. Raven is not expecting to see Clarke sitting and groveling on their couch when she first enters but there she is. It’s not often she does this, just every once in awhile she obsesses, stares at media outlets tell her eyes bleed. They always make her cry. Raven hates it.
“What are you doing?” Raven scolds when she’s far enough into the room to see what exactly Clarke is watching on the television.
“Watching the news.” Clarke grumbles, a slight edge to her tone that’s only ever there when she’s heard too many stories about Costia and Lexa. They’re not even dating, they probably never will, but it still bother’s Clarke. It bothers her for a lot more reasons than just pure jealousy. That’s not just some girl to Clarke that the world has their eyes on, that’s Lexa, that’s her Lexa. She precious, important, above almost everything else. These stories never do anything but elicit every possible negative emotion they can get out of Clarke, which is why Raven turns the TV off the moment she can grab the remote.
“Why do you do this to yourself?” Raven lets out a frustrated sigh. A Clarke that’s up at 2:00 A.M. is never happy anyway, add pure frustration on top of that and there’s a recipe for disaster. “This is why I’ve said it a thousand times and I’ll say it a thousand more, you need to tell her.” She really has been saying it forever, she says it every time she finds Clarke like this. They’ll have this conversation over and over, probably until the end of time because Clarke is stubborn, far too stubborn for her own good.
“Raven,” Clarke sighs.
“She’s never going to guess on her own, you know it. And I know you’re terrified, but it’s got to be better than this. And I don’t mean just tell her about how you feel for her, but how she’s been making you feel, how the media makes you feel, just all of it.”
“That’s not fair of me, it’s not her fault.”
“But it partly is. She’s hardly here. She’s hardly there for you. Where is she now?”
“She was here, she just went home.” Clarke mumbles quietly as she plays with a pillow cushion in her lap. She doesn’t even look at Lexa, she must have been at it awhile before Raven got home. Probably right after Lexa left her. She’s in one of those moods tonight.
“All I’m saying is you need to talk to her because she has no idea what’s going on. With Costia, with you, what her fame has done to your relationship.”
“This is her dream.” Clarke whines and it’s a statement Raven has heard countless times, repeatedly.
“And you’re what collateral damage?”
“Yes.” Clarke says stubbornly. “That’s exactly what I am. She’s wanted this forever. Just because some things are upsetting is not enough of a reason to make her feel bad for living her dream.”
“She wanted it with you.” Raven reminds her friend and when she doesn’t say anything else, she continues. “Remind her of that.” She squeezes Clarke’s shoulder. “Go to bed, sleep.” She waits only a moment to see if Clarke needs her but when she nods her head she lets go of her shoulder and escapes to her room.
She loves Lexa, but the reality is that she’s blind. Blind to her own feelings, blind to how she’s neglected Clarke, and blind to what the media has done to not just Costia and her but Clarke as well. She knows how Lexa feels about her friend even if Lexa doesn’t realize it herself, but if Lexa knew half of what Clarke thought when she wasn’t around, when she didn’t answer her for that entire month when she was touring, whenever she watches something that shows Costia being Lexa’s closest friend, when Lexa moved in with Costia instead of her.
She just needs to realize it, all of it. But Clarke will probably never say anything that she needs too and because it’s not Raven’s place she’s forced to watch her friends relationship slowly fading apart, possibly until they become nothing at all.