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Dazai opened his eyes, trying to hold back a scream. He sat up and tried to catch his breath, running a hand through his hair. He lowered it to look, to check. The dark was thick but he could make out his hand. No blood. He could have sworn he felt it, warm on his palm, dripping through his fingers.
He shook his head and laid back, trying to clear his head of the sounds but they kept coming back. The deafening gunshots he should have been used to but were jarring then, the silence, the thud, his scream. He’d never heard his voice like that. He’d never been as afraid of blood on his hands as he was then.
Except he had, his mind reminded him. His eyes widened in realization. He held his hand out above him in thought.
Chuuya.
He’d been scared of seeing Chuuya’s blood.
Chuuya…
He’d held him in his arms after using Corruption plenty of times. He can’t deny now that he had been scared then. Terrified more than once. Scared he was too late. That his games of seeing how far Chuuya can go had gone too far.
Chuuya.
Mind settled, he got up and set out.
The walk to his place was calming, which Dazai was grateful for. It was the middle of the night in late June. The streets were empty this late. The cool breeze brushed through his hair gently, a relief from the hot days.
Thankfully he didn’t need to come into work the next day, Kunikida had told him to not come in until he’s acting as usual. It’s strange, though, he had been doing paperwork quietly. Maybe Kunikida did care after all.
As he stopped at the door, Dazai shook his head. Chuuya really should have moved. It was foolish of him not to.
He broke in like he usually did, getting past the locks and passcodes easily. He settled in on the couch to wait for his partner.
The silence settled on him. Gunshots echoed in the empty room. He heard a distinct thud. He closed his eyes. He knew these sounds were in his head.
All he could do was wait.
***
Chuuya returned home after a routine mission. The cool night was a relief from the hot day. As he unlocked his door and took off his hat, he got a strange feeling. That he should be remembering something important. Wary, he stepped inside.
There, on the couch, sat Dazai. His eyes were closed, his head against the cushions. When he heard the sound of Chuuya unlocking the door, he opened one eye. He seemed drained of his usual energy.
Right. It was around the time he defected. He always seemed somber around this time.
Dazai got up from the couch and pulled his lips up into a carefree smile. Both of them knew it was fake. ‘’Welcome home, Chuuya!’’ he said in a chirpy voice.
Chuuya hung up his coat and hat, ‘’what are you doing here, bastard,’’ he grumbled though he had a hunch.
‘’Why, to see my favorite hat rack, of course!’’
He looked at Dazai, at his barely concealed weariness, at the bags under his eyes. ‘’Sure, you are.’’
Dazai held a hand to his heart. ‘’You wound me, Chuuya! Would I have ulterior motives?’’ he said as he stepped closer to him.
Chuuya watched him near him with apprehension. He wasn’t sure which of two directions this was going. He was pretty sure he knew what Dazai wanted. He wasn’t sure that’s what he needed though.
‘’You better not have ransacked my place,’’ Chuuya said. Dazai approached him until they were a breath apart.
‘’You think I would do that?’’ Dazai’s hand was on his chin, tilting his head up. He leaned closer, blew a breath against him.
Chuuya pulled away and sighed, ‘’sure you have before. C’mon, I need a glass,’’ he said as he made his way to the kitchen, brushing their shoulders. To his surprise Dazai followed and sat down obediently.
He tried not to take his time as he opened a bottle, got two glasses and filled them. He put one in front of Dazai and sat opposite him. ‘’So, what’s up? I doubt you’d come for a visit without a good reason.’’
A fake smile flitted into place, ‘’do you really think I can’t just want you for your company?’’ His eyes were empty of joy.
Chuuya locked their eyes. ‘’I know you. What’s up?’’
Dazai looked at his glass, thoughtful. He picked it up and downed it in one swoop. He left his fingers around the stem of the glass. The smile fell away. ‘’Don’t you have anything better than old grape juice? You know I don’t like it.’’
‘’You think I care what you need?’’ They both knew he did. He swirled the wine in his glass, sipped it and pushed it to the other side of the table. Dazai looked up at that, his eyes widening when Chuuya got up and sat beside him. He gently cupped Dazai’s cheek and turned him to look into his confused eyes. ‘’What’s wrong?’’ he tried to keep his voice soft.
A more genuine smile rose to his lips. ‘’Nothing’s wrong,’’ he murmured against Chuuya’s lips before they met.
It was chaste and sweet, probably a precursor to what Dazai truly meant to do. They kissed until they broke for air, then met again and exchanged breaths. It got more intense once Dazai introduced tongue, licking at Chuuya’s lip, asking for permission. He allowed it, let Dazai explore his mouth. He lifted his hand to Dazai’s hair, gripped the soft strands. He could never say kissing Dazai was unpleasant and mean it but he was worried and ready to admit it this time.
Dazai’s hands rested on his hips, pawing at the vest and wandering under it. Before he lost focus, Chuuya bit Dazai’s lip. Dazai didn’t pull away but did stop. Chuuya leaned back and looked at Dazai, at his weary face, at the bags under his eyes. ‘’What’s wrong.’’
Dazai chuckled weakly, ‘’Chuuya doesn’t give up, does he?’’
Chuuya leaned his forehead against Dazai’s with a soft smile. ‘’You know I don’t.’’
Dazai chuckled weakly and leaned in for a few more chaste brushes of lips. He rested their foreheads together again and closed his eyes. A tear slipped from his eye. Chuuya huffed and pulled him in for a hug. He pet at Dazai’s hair, rubbed his back, remained silent.
After a few minutes he shifted, took Dazai’s hand. He got up and led him to the bedroom. He expected a joke about Chuuya wanting to fuck after all but only heard a hitched breath. ‘’Come on, let’s get comfortable,’’ he said as he took off his jacket and waistcoat. He plucked his gloves off and watched Dazai nod numbly and take off his coat.
Chuuya sighed and started working on the buttons of Dazai’s waistcoat. He watched Chuuya do it without a sound. The waistcoat was pushed off his shoulders, the bolo tie undone and placed on the nightstand. Chuuya gripped his hand and led him to bed. He lay down and motioned for Dazai to follow.
Once they were both down, Chuuya tucked Dazai’s hair under his chin and held him closer. Dazai’s arm settled around Chuuya’s waist and tugged him ever closer. Dazai’s breath hitched in a sob and he started crying in earnest. Chuuya held him through it all. He didn’t mind the tears in his shirt.
After a while Chuuya heard Dazai’s breath even out. ‘’You planned to come here for sex, didn’t you.’’
The silence was answer enough.
Dazai started petting at Chuuya’s waist, brushing his shirt out of the way. He didn’t seem to intend anything with it so Chuuya allowed it. He reached up to Dazai’s hair and ran his hand through it, untangling any knots he found.
After a few minutes Dazai croaked, ‘’I wanted to feel something other than fear.’’
Chuuya hummed. He could have guessed but it was better to hear it from Dazai himself, all pretenses gone.
Dazai sighed deeply, ‘’I woke up and saw blood on my hands. I thought it was Odasaku’s. Then I thought it was yours,’’ he whispered.
‘’You know I’m not that easy to kill off,’’ Chuuya murmured. He knew when Dazai would see his blood on his hands. ‘’You never let it get that far.’’
‘’I almost did.’’ He barely heard it, however he heard the pain in Dazai’s voice clearly.
Chuuya stroked Dazai’s hair more insistently. ‘’But you never did. I’m here.’’
He heard Dazai’s breath hitch again. The drying patch on his shirt was rewet.
He held him until Dazai’s breath evened out again and deepened. He leaned back to check. Dazai’s face was streaked in tears but peaceful in sleep. He brushed the tears away as gently as he could and smiled slightly at how Dazai nuzzled his hand and leaned into it.
Chuuya kissed his forehead and tucked in to sleep. ‘’See you in the morning, bastard.’’