Work Text:
The journey is taking forever, Hotten has never seemed so far away. It’s like a continent has been placed between them and their destination. She doesn’t need this trip to take any longer, she wants it to be over as soon as possible, preferably by yesterday. That said, yesterday isn’t something she wants to dwell on either. Yesterday is something she wants dead and buried. It shouldn’t be difficult, by definition yesterday should in the past - that’s the very essence of time - but yesterday is alive and well and sitting in the car with them.
Distance is not her friend. It’s killing her right now. Emmerdale is too far away and Charity is far too close. The latter is not something that she thought she’d be complaining about but Charity is stiff and absent. Her fingers paint delicate pictures on Vanessa’s bare forearm but her mind is elsewhere and has been all night. She envies Charity’s ability to disengage and wishes she had a fraction of the tonic immobility Charity displayed throughout dinner. Vanessa was flurry of words and activity for the entirety of the meal, as though if she kept enough plates spinning she could prevent this night from reaching its inevitable conclusion but no amount of energy can undo what she has done. It’s over, they are over, and she has no one to blame but herself. In her desperation to move on from her colossal mistake as quickly as possible she has pushed too hard and asked too much. Her attempts to rebuild bridges have brought about nothing but destruction.
Charity’s lips graze her temple and then ghost against her neck and she can feel the driver watching them. Lascivious eyes burn her from the rear-view mirror and she wants to scream. Normally she would take a small about of perverse pleasure in his scrutiny. She finds it intoxicating to have it displayed to the world that Charity is hers but tonight has confirmed that Charity isn’t hers, not anymore. What she thought would be a new beginning has become the ending of almost everything she holds dear and she can’t wait to escape this moving death trap.
She focuses straight ahead. Her eyes glued to the beams of light that cut their way through the darkness as she tries to will the world to disappear. It’s yet another time where it would great for the ground to open up and swallow her but neither the world or the ground comply and eventually they arrive home. Such as it is.
Her fingers fumble as she fishes in her purse for her credit card but her actions are rendered redundant when Charity flings a few notes at the man, probably overpaying in the processes, and all but drags her from the taxi.
She can feels Charity’s breath, hot on her neck, as they stumble towards the door of Tug Ghyll and she barely manages to get the door closed before Charity has her pressed up against it, teeth nipping at her neck and hands everywhere. Kisses sear across her jawline and find her mouth and against all better judgment she lets out a moan. Her tongue battles with Charity’s and she starts to feel lighter - it might be the lack of oxygen but it’s also possible that Charity has already managed to divest her of some items of clothing. It would be easy to lose herself in the sensations, to surrender herself to the now and pretend she doesn’t know what’s waiting around the corner, but although they may have begun with secrets and games that’s not how she wants them to end.
Vanessa attempts to gently push Charity from her but it seems the other woman is of single minded determination and in the end it requires a considerable amount of force to put some space between them. Charity stares at her, breathless and glorious, and the sight of her almost shatters Vanessa’s resolve as Charity asks, “Am I doing something wrong?”
“No...I mean yes...we’ll sort of...” she can’t find the words to expresses herself or perhaps she can but doesn’t want to because then it would all become real. She shakes her head in frustration and a turncoat tear escapes her eye and begins its descent down her cheek.
Charity’s hand flies to Vanessa’s face and her thumb catches the errant tear. “I was joking. I didn’t know something was wrong. Have I hurt you?” The hand that up until now had been beneath Vanessa’s bra extricates itself as Charity assures her, “I can be more gentle. It didn’t realise. I didn’t know it had been a problem before.”
She looks at Charity, who is currently biting her lip in concern and wants to slap her for trying to treat her with such gentleness while planning on breaking her heart. “I’m sorry. I thought I could pretend everything was okay so that we could do this one last time but I can’t.”
Charity rocks backwards as though she’s been shot, “One last time? Are you chucking me?”
“No but that doesn’t matter since you’re about to breakup with me.”
Charity takes a full step back this time. “Wait. Woah. And also what? I’m not ending things.”
“You’re not?” She know she sounds pathetically hopeful and that she’ll live to regret it if it turns out that Charity is messing with her.
“Of course not. I just took you on a fancy date.”
“Where you barely spoke to me.”
Charity bows her head and doesn’t look her in the eye as she tells her, “I didn’t know what to say.”
“You?” She pokes Charity in the chest for emphasis. “Charity Dingle? You didn’t know what to say? Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Look I know I’m a gobby shit but even I can be lost for words sometimes.”
“You’re the woman of a thousand insults and a million comebacks. You didn’t have one snappy line to throw at me?”
“Those things are weapons, that’s not ideal date material is it?”
“Charity we both know it’s not as though you’ve never been on a date before.”
Charity’s eyes narrow at that comment but when she takes a step towards Vanessa it doesn’t seem hostile. “I’ve been on many, many dates but they generally have an agenda. I’m usually trying to seduce someone or letting them think they are seducing me. That’s not what this was.”
“Because you’ve already done the seduction part so the date’s pointless?”
“I rarely consider time with you pointless and this date was very important because it was with you.”
Since the moment they stepped into the restaurant she has felt like brittle glass, hard but fragile and ready to snap at any given minute, but she can feel everything softening in response to Charity’s words. Vanessa hopes that they are true and that this is not just some sick and twisted way of fattening her up for the slaughter. “Charity,” she says with tenderness that she prays is not misplaced, “it’s not a big deal. You know how to spend time with me.”
“But not date time,” Charity shuffles her feet and looks away.
“It’s no different.”
“I wanted it to be special.” The confession looks like it hurts Charity.
“It would have been but Charity you hardly spoke a word to me.”
“I didn’t know what to say. I’ve never been on a date where all I wanted was to make someone happy. Let’s face it babe I don’t spend a lot of time focusing on other people’s happiness.”
She runs her hands down Charity’s arms linking their fingers together when she is done, “You complete dolt I would have been happy just being with you.”
“But I didn’t want to say anything wrong.”
“So you thought it was better to say nothing?”
“I was trying not to muck things up. I care about you, Ness. Like annoyingly so and that’s not easy for me. I just wanted there to be no hitches. I wanted to get through the night and get you back here where I could do a much better job of showing you how much I care. I was trying so hard not to ruin things but I guess I did it anyway.”
She chuckles and stands on her tiptoes so she can press her forehead to Charity’s bent head, “I’ve spent the night being convinced that I’d ruined things by pushing you into this date.”
“And you thought I was gonna to ditch you over that?”
“Well yes, although I guess it sounds a little crazy now.”
“Babe you’ve given me far greater reasons to head for the hills and I’m still well and truly here.”
That’s a massive understatement when she considers how recently she betrayed Charity’s trust but she definitively appreciates the acknowledgment that Charity has no plans to go anywhere anytime soon. “So let’s make a deal. I’ll try not to give you reasons to run away and you’ll stop trying to actively make me happy.”
“Oh I don’t know about that,” Charity’s voice has dropped now that they are in territory she is more comfortable with, “I can think of some advantages that come with you being happy.” Charity unclasps their hands in favour of dragging Vanessa towards her by the hips.
“I agree, there are some definite advantages and we’ll get to those later.”
“Oh god you want to talk more,” Charity’s disapproval is loud and clear but Vanessa ignores it as she takes one of Charity’s hands and leads her to the couch. Charity complies with minimal protest but when they are seated she drops her head back with a thud, “Was what I did really so bad that it deserves a sit-down talk?”
“I thought you were breaking up with me so at the very least we need to work on our communication skills.”
“But that could take years,” Charity whines and Vanessa’s heart flutters a little at Charity thinking they have years together, even if it’s to fix things. “Besides we’ve recognised that there’s an issue. That’s huge. Probably something worth celebrating.” She moves so she’s straddling Vanessa and tries to capture her all too willing lips.
Vanessa knows that if she lets Charity kiss her she’s done for, in fact she’s almost lost the battle based on the proximity of their bodies, so she musters up all the resolve she can find and places a firm hand on Charity’s chest. “I used to think that I knew what to say to you, how to deal with your little games, and tonight I was scared out of my brain thinking that those tactics had failed me and I was going to lose you.”
Charity leans back a little but remains in Vanessa’s lap, “You thought you knew how to manipulate me?”
“No, not manipulate, but maybe how to handle.”
“Same thing,” Charity says with an angry pout.
“Did you or did you not chase me down the street and then to a gay bar?”
“I did,” the pout is still there but at least Charity looks less angry.
“And I eventually got you to admit that you were my girlfriend, didn’t I?”
“Something I’m deeply regretting right now.” Charity must see the flicker of fear that crosses over her face, the echo of the certain doom Vanessa’s felt all night, because a soft kiss is placed to her forehead as Charity whispers, “It’s okay, I’m still here.”
“I think it made me arrogant,” she admits and ignores the sarcastic “made” that Charity mutters under her breath as she continues, “made me think it was okay to make decisions for you when you said otherwise.”
“Like getting the police involved?”
She nods slowly, “I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought you’d be okay with it. I wish I could promise I won’t do something like that again.”
“Ness I like you and I don’t ever want to see you hurt but that kind of thing is a deal-breaker.”
“But then I have to be okay with seeing you hurt and I’m not. I want everyone who has ever wronged you to pay. I want to track them down and kill them with my bare hands.”
“Easy Fido.”
“I’m allowed to feel protective of you,” and she does feels protective of Charity, to a worrying degree, to a point where she might end up alienating Charity in her attempts to protect her.
“It’s not that I don’t appreciate the sentiment. I’ve gotta admit that it’s not something I’m used to though.”
“You’ve got a clan that will fight for you.”
“Yeah sometimes but not always the way they should,” Charity looks small, which only makes Vanessa want to protect her more, “and not the way you do.”
She lifts Charity’s hand to her lips, “Always.”
“But I don’t want you dragged into all of that. I don’t want the bad parts of my life to ever touch you. I can’t change who I am for you. No matter how much I might want to. I’m never going to be good enough for you.”
“You already are,” she says warmly but doubts Charity can understand or accept how serious she is about that.
“Vanessa, I’m not good. Not like you.”
“I’m not as good as you think I am.”
“I hate to burst your bubble sunshine but you are living goodness, you are Pollyanna on steroids.”
“Being on steroids would be an inappropriate and illegal use of a controlled substance. So see – not good.”
“I stand corrected then. You’re a regular criminal mastermind.”
“I’ve committed crimes.”
“Stealing sweets as a child doesn’t count.”
“I never did that,” she protests and realises she is seriously undermining her point. “I’ve done things to protect people that I care about. Things that could get me into real trouble.”
“Oh I see.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“I couldn’t see you breaking the law but I know that your protective streak borders on aggressive and one day it’s going to get you into trouble.”
“It hasn’t yet,” is her feeble response but the things she has done, they eat at her. Knowing that she is capable of putting her own moral compass ahead of the law makes her question things about who she is and what she stands for and the answers to those questions hang heavy on her head.
“But one day it might. I worry that you don’t always know your own limitations and that you’re gonna get hurt.”
“Oi,” she raises her hand to her chest as though she’s affronted, “I’ll have you know I can look after myself.”
“Babe, you’re a chihuahua that thinks it’s a German shepherd.”
“I’m scrappy is what I am, I’ll take them unawares.”
“Of course you will,” Charity says fondly, “and when you’re riled up you’re a little more than scrappy. You’re like an angry rottweiler. It’s a bloody foolish person who’d take you on.”
She throws a curious glance up at Charity. “I don’t whether to be complimented, insulted, or just impressed with your knowledge of canines.”
“I can know things, it’s not completely impossible you know?”
“Hey,” she squeezes Charity’s hand, “you don’t know a rat from a chinchilla so I think I’m entitled to my surprise.”
“Please pass on my apologies to Augustus, he was probably traumatised by being compared to a rodent that only lives about two years.”
“You know the life expectancy of rats?” She is trying not to sound incredulous and the fact that she’s pretty sure her eyebrows just shot up to her hairline is really not helping her cause.
“I also know that chinchillas are native to the Andes Mountains but could now be extinct in some countries in the region.”
“Charity,” she says cautiously, “why do you know this?”
“I like to know things,” Charity replies dismissively.
“Sure,” she agrees, “but why these things?”
“I like to know things that matter,” Vanessa can feels Charity becoming tense, “can’t you just accept that and move on.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it.” She rubs her thumb over Charity’s knuckles as a silence stretches between them.
“God Vanessa! Can’t you let anything lie?”
“I didn’t…….” she begins.
“Because it’s important to you. Because it matters to you.”
“And so it matters to you?” she can feel herself melting.
“I honestly couldn’t care if Augustus is a rat or a chinchilla or a guinea pig but I care about you.” Vanessa stares at Charity in wonder and the joy she is feeling must clearly be written on her face because Charity sighs and says, “Please don’t make a big deal out of this.”
“You didn’t put hamster on your list.”
Charity rewards her with a smile, “That was intentional and you’ll note that I didn’t use beaver either.”
She playfully whacks Charity’s arm with her free hand, “You didn’t need to take it quite that far.”
“Oh I don’t know. I’d say for us hamsters have caused more trouble.”
“Yeah I guess so,” she admits and feels the familiar surge of shame and panic that accompanies thinking about her suspension.
“Hey,” Charity says softly, “it’s going to be okay, babe.”
“I hope so.”
“I know so.”
“Oh you do, do you?”
“Yes,” Charity tells with a certainty that Vanessa wishes she could share. “I’ve told you, I know things. I really wish you’d stop acting so surprised. I’m not an idiot.”
“Of course you’re not.”
“Then stop treating me like I am.”
“Charity Dingle I would never treat you like an idiot, you are one of the smartest people I’ve even met,” she says earnestly.
“I’d take that as a compliment if I didn’t know that pretty much every one else in your life is close to brain dead.”
“That’s not true.”
“Your father can barely tell his arse from his elbow.”
“I know you’re not a fan of him and I’d really prefer we not focus on my dad right now.” There is an uncomfortable feeling that takes up residence in her stomach any time she associates her father and Charity, no matter how remotely,
“You and me both babe. If I could erase him from my memory I would but he’s not the only idiot in your life.”
“Charity we know the same people.”
“I’m surrounded by Dingles who at least have street smarts, well most of them anyway. You’re surrounded by people who have no idea about the world.”
“Tracy knows a bit about the world,” she argues whilst wishing that statement was a little less true.
“I like the kid, she’s alright in my book, but even you’ve gotta admit she’s not MENSA material.”
“I have friends who are intelligent.”
“What you have are friends who are educated and I’m still not convinced they didn’t cheat to get them degrees. Paddy wouldn’t be able to assist Frank in naming body parts, let alone finding them. I have no idea what Chas sees in that big girl’s blouse. He’s only actually skill seems to be walking in on us when things are starting to get good.”
She wants to defend Paddy but part of her, a very large part of her, thinks that Charity’s assessment has some validity so she decides to change course. “Rhona’s not an idiot.”
“Rhona is the biggest idiot of them all.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because she could have had you.” Vanessa’s heart races out of control and she can barely breathe which is a good thing because it’s the only thing stopping her from telling Charity things that she’s not yet ready to hear. “I’d tell her what a mistake she’s made and all the ways her muddy farmhand fails in comparison to you but then I might have some competition.”
“You wouldn’t,” she says firmly.
“What? Tell her? I just said that I wouldn’t.”
“No,” Vanessa corrects, “have competition. I may have been convinced that I was in love with her once but don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t like her like that. I don’t like her like I like you.”
“I don’t think anyone has ever liked me before. People have wanted me, probably even loved me, some even made me believe that was true, but not one of them ever liked me. No one has. Not since I was a kid. Maybe not even then.” And just like that the warm glow Vanessa gets from feeling she knows what to say to Charity is back. It’s as seductive as it is dangerous and she revels in it until Charity says, “I always though Cain was my destiny.”
“I see,” she tries to keep the devastation she feels from her voice but judging by the way Charity’s arms tighten around her waist and a kiss is pressed to her hair she fails bitterly.
“That doesn’t make it a good thing, Ness.”
“Sure it doesn’t. He’s just fate or kismet, whatever, it’s totally fine.” Charity strokes her thumb in circles on Vanessa’s back and it’s probably meant to be comforting but all she feels is terror and the certainty that, no matter how hard she tries to hold on, this is all going to slip away from her.
“I thought he was owed to me. I thought the universe owed me. I thought he owed me.” Charity pauses and Vanessa can feel the swallow that moves through Charity’s body before she continues. “He just got to go on as if nothing happened, you know? His life never fell apart. What we did we did together but only I paid the price. I always believed that one day he’d come back to me, that it was only fair, it’s stupid but it kept me going.”
“I understand,” she says and it’s true but it doesn’t stop the sensation that her world is ending.
Charity gently grabs her chin and tips Vanessa’s face up to look her in the eyes, “I don’t think you do.”
She shakes her head, “I do though. You’ve always loved him. I get it.”
“In a way I always have and maybe I always will,” Charity shrugs, “some bad, bad things happened to me and I think part of me is always going be stuck back there. Loving him, hating him, waiting for him to make everything okay.”
She has always known that she’s small, it would be impossible not to, but she has never felt so insignificant. “I want you to be happy. I hope you know that.”
“Babe,” Charity says with a gentleness Vanessa expects few get to witness from her, “this is not me telling you that I’m still waiting for him to chase away my demons.”
“I know and I’m going to try not to let it change anything but it’s better that I know that if you’re given the option you’d choose him. You’ll always choose him.”
“I knew you didn’t understand. I never chose him. Thirteen year old me just fancied the pants off him. I’m not thirteen anymore.”
“Yeah but you just told me that part of you will always be back there and he’s always going to be the one who’s there with you.”
“But that’s not where I want to be anymore, Ness.”
“Be that as it may I can never be there with you, not like he can.” She shouldn’t be but she’s jealous of a boy who knocked Charity up and then left her on the streets to fend for herself.
“He doesn’t want to be. He never did. That’s not what’s important anyway.”
“So what is?” she asks and knows that she probably shouldn’t because all she is doing is making the pit of despair that she is in deeper and deeper.
“What I want now.” Charity’s scowls and shakes her head. “That sounded a lot more selfish that I meant it to.”
“Wasn’t aware that was something that bothered you.”
“Cow,” Charity says but there is no venom to her voice, “you know I’m trying to be nice here.”
“Well you’re not very good at it.”
“I’ve not had a lot of experience but trying to be nice to people is a horrible thing that happens to you when you’ve got a to scale Jiminy Cricket yammering in your ear day and night.”
She should be offended but she mainly wants to laugh for Charity’s sake. Charity definitely intended it to be humorous but the thought of a life where being nice was a luxury Charity couldn’t afford makes her want to weep. “Charity, I…..”
“Shhhh, I’m trying to do a good job here.” Charity untangles herself from Vanessa, stands up and backs towards the door.
“Then why are you leaving?” she hates herself for letting things get out of hand. She should have stopped this conversation long before it got to this point. Now their date night gets to end with Charity retreating amidst confessions of her undying love of Cain.
“I’m going to get something.”
“So you’ll be back?”
“Of course,” Charity replies with a roll of her eyes before darting out the door.
Distance isn’t her only problem tonight, time is also her enemy and she spends eons watching the door becoming increasingly convinced that Charity is not returning. She eventually opts to busy herself with opening a bottle of wine and pouring each of them a glass and is well through her second when Charity finally returns.
“Sorry babe, Chas was up for giving me an earful about something or other and telling her you were here waiting for me only seemed to make her more determined to give me a piece of her mind.” Charity is clearly annoyed but the way she holds her hands behind her back and is switching her weight from foot to foot speaks to her being anxious and that intrigues Vanessa.
“It’s okay, it gave me time to get us some wine,” she says calmly, as if five seconds ago she hadn’t been completely certain that Charity had abandoned her for the night and planning on drinking herself into oblivion.
“I could do with some of that,” Charity eyes the glass appreciatively, “but first I wanted to give you this.” Charity’s hand appears from behind her back and produces a copy of The Secret Garden with it.
Vanessa takes the object from her and looks at her in confusion, “You went home to give me back my book?”
Charity sits down, in a fashion – she’s perched on the edge of the couch and looks as though she’s ready to run at any moment. “Not exactly. I kinda want to keep the book. I mean, if that’s okay.” She scratches at her necks and sighs before continuing. “I went to get you what’s inside the book.”
Vanessa opens it and there on the page with the monogram created by her thirteen year old self is a ratty collection of yellow stitches with wool trailing from the top and the bottom. “A bookmark?”
“A bookmark I made for you,” Charity says with a shrug.
“You knitted me a bookmark?” she can’t stop the smile that breaks across her face.
“Not really,” Charity says, “at least it didn’t start out as a bookmark.”
“You tried to make me a scarf, that’s so sweet.” She can just imagine Charity giving up in the setting of frustration and lack of progress and settling on a book mark instead.
Charity positions herself further back on the couch, clearly no longer feeling in need of an emergency exit. “It’s not a scarf, it was meant to be a worming cape, see?”
“Oh Charity,” she now has misty eyes to go along with her face aching grin. “I can’t believe you did this for me.”
“Well I can tell you that I’m not doing it again. Babe, kitting is dead boring and it’s also kind of hard,” Charity pokes a finger through a hole in the bookmark, “so this is the best you’re going to get.”
“I love it.”
“Then you’re very easy to please,” Charity pulls at a bit of frayed wool with a frown.
She places her hand over Charity’s to still it. “I love it because you made it for me, okay?”
“Okay,” Charity agrees cautiously.
“When did you do this?” she asks, clearly in awe of the creation in front of her.
“After the skills auction. I got Rishi to show me some things. He’s a rubbish teacher by the way.”
“I think it beautiful,” she tells Charity before placing a kiss to her lips. “But wait,” the gears in her head have turned, lining things up and creating a place of confusion, “after the skills auctions was when we…..weren’t so…” she can’t even bring herself to articulate how things were then but thankfully Charity is willing to help her out.
“Yeah I know,” Charity flips her hand over to hold Vanessa’s, “it’s why I wanted to show you this. We were a mess but I was going to make you a cape as though that would fix everything and I’d get you back.”
“Why didn’t you give it to me?” she asks mystified by the ways of a woman who during that period was acting in no way like she might be at home trying to create a present for her.
“What I made wasn’t great and in the end I didn’t need it.”
“So why show it to me now?”
“Because before, when we were talking, I think you got the wrong idea about Cain.”
From elated to deflated in an instant, “What I idea should I have got?”
“That if he showed up on my doorstep right now on bended knee, having finally realised that Moira is so boring she makes him want to cut his own eyes out, that I wouldn’t take him back.”
“You wouldn’t?” she wants to believe it but Cain has been so important for so long that she knows she can’t really compete with their history.
“No. Because I now know things can be better than waiting for the boy who’s meant to make everything okay.” Charity traces a finger along Vanessa’s collarbone, “I don’t like to think of myself as a victim but I think somewhere in me head I always saw him as a saviour. I don’t need a saviour anymore.” Lips follow the path that Charity finger recently claimed, “I found someone who I think, at least I hope, wants to help me save myself.”
She can’t cry, if she does she feels like she’ll open flood gates that can’t ever be closed. She wants so desperately to tell Charity that she loves her but she understands now that word has been used far too freely in Charity’s life, “Oh course I do. I like you so, so much Charity Dingle.”
“I ruddy like you too. So much so that when we break up I’m going to mad at you for not taking the out when I gave it to you the other day. You should have run for the hills when I gave you the chance.”
“But I don’t want to run,” she’s proud that she can even get those words out because they catch in her throat like bile, “I’m right were I want to be.”
“And right were I want you to be,” Charity runs her hand over Vanessa’s hair, “but if you had taken that out it would have been a perfect ending. It’s never going to be like that now. This won’t end with me trying to be noble. We’ll end because, no matter how much I might care, I manage to ruin everything I touch.”
“Then I’ll have to make sure that I’m Charity proof and we’ll be fine.”
“I hope so because I don’t want to let you go but if you’d have let it end then and there it would have been right. It would have the best possible ending to what is the best I’ve ever done in a relationship.”
“Charity during our relationship you’ve forcibly outed me, you’ve messed with my mind, and you’ve treated me like I was nothing.”
“Like I said, the best I’ve ever done,” Charity says with such sincerity that Vanessa has no choice but to lean over and kiss her. When they finally break apart Charity peppers kisses over her checks and nose before placing a final one to her neck. “This is going to sound silly but I try not to have regrets.”
“I can understand that.”
“There’s not really been much place for regret, that’s not how you survive. I do regret being with Frank though and not just because he was an incredibly bad shag but because I never want you to question my motives in being with you. That night in the cellar, whatever it was about, it wasn’t about him.”
“I think you’ll find it was about a skin full of whiskey,” Vanessa informs her and thinks she could do with being that drunk right now rather than have to be reminded that her dad once slept with Charity.
“True but I hadn’t had a skin full the next day.”
“Neither had I.”
“I’m glad about that now but at the time I don’t think I would have cared if you were drunk or sober, I just wanted to have you.”
“I’m glad now too but at the time I think I would have had done a lot less soul searching if I’d have been drunk.”
“You thought so little of me that you had to question why you lowered yourself to be with me?” Charity places as much space between them as she possibly can on the small settee.
“The soul searching was about having had sex with a woman.”
“You’re all so hung up on that. Sex is just sex.”
“I don’t know that that’s true for me. The way I felt with you that night, I’d never felt that way before.”
“Is that so?” Charity’s eyes light up with the confidence of a predator.
“Very much so.”
“Then clearly the guys you’d been with before were duds.”
“Charity I had been with a lot of guys when I was younger.”
“I have literally been with countless men,” Charity says with nonchalance, as those many of those men hadn’t abused and mistreated her and it makes Vanessa’s blood boil that Charity has had to come to accept their grubby hands and their gross misdeeds as a part of life, “and I can tell you for a fact that quantity doesn’t equal quality.”
“I guess it could have been that they were all just crap in bed but what if it’s not that, what if it’s that I like woman more than men.”
“Oh babe, that’s not fair to men. You can’t possibly know what you like because you’ve never actually been with a man. I’m the first adult you’ve ever had sex with.”
“Rude,” she gives Charity a light punch to her shoulder, “but I know it’s kind of true. It’s one of the things that I worried about. What if the reason that the guys I’d been with were so young was that on some level I couldn’t be with someone who was too, I don’t know, manly?” She’s found herself lying awake pondering that thought many, many times since she fist kissed Charity.
“I guess that could be true, Ness, but I have to say I don’t want you finding out the answer. I don’t want you to go experiment with actual grown men, or with other woman for that matter.”
“I’m not considering entertaining any other options, I’m well and truly yours.” There was a time when such a confession would have terrified Charity but now all it does it make her grin like the cat that ate the canary. “Back then, after we… well you know..” Charity raises her eyes at her in a way that suggests that she very much does know. “I did go on a date with a woman though. Tracy set me up with her.”
“I’ll kill her.”
“Who? Tracy or my date?"
“At this point it’s a two-for-one deal.”
“If it helps, it wasn’t good.”
Charity snorts and then glumly says, “Neither was tonight.”
She twirls a strand of Charity’s hair around her finger, “I don’t know, right now I think tonight’s going just fine.”
“But the restaurant bit was pretty much a bust.”
“It could have gone better but I never for a second doubted that I wanted to take you home,” she leaves out the bit where she thought she was taking Charity home so Charity could end things.
“Is that right?” Charity looks far too smug for someone who was insecure a second ago.
“You know it is. You know what you do to me.”
“And she didn’t do it for you?”
“I didn’t want to take her home, that’s for sure, I just wanted it to end.”
“Oh so she was a minger then?”
“She was hot as,” Vanessa corrects, “but duller than dishwater and besides, at that point I couldn’t stop thinking about that night with you.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes it is, you do know you’re unbearable when you’re cocky don’t you?”
“Am I?” Charity’s lips are suddenly attached to her pulse point. Charity sucks and bites at the tender skin as a hand wanders down Vanessa’s chest, cupping her breast before toying with a nipple. Vanessa feels her eyes drift closed and lets out a moan of pleasure. Charity is suddenly gone, she opens her eyes to find Charity looking very satisfied with herself, “I’d say you find me more than bearable.”
“I could still totally manage to go off you, you know?” but she’s pretty sure that she could no more do that than stop breathing.
“Well I definitely don’t want that but in the spirit of honesty I should tell you that I don’t have right to want to kill that woman because around that time I slept with a guy.” She thought she had more than her fill of hurt this evening but it turns out that her cup did not runneth over and there was a world of hurt to spare. “He didn’t mean anything and actually he was a plant who robbed me so I think I’ve more than paid for that mistake but babe I need you to know that if I had for a second thought you, well we, were a possibility it never would have happened.”
She’s not sure if that knowledge helps her or hurts her. Certainly it’s good to know that if Charity thought they had future that it wouldn’t have happened but it’s also hard to learn that she was far more invested in Charity than Charity was in her. “I guess it’s unreasonable to expect that you were waiting for me.”
“Ness, I wanted you back after that first night. I thought you’d come back. People usually do. Even if they don’t like me, they like how I can make them feel.”
“I didn’t come back because of that night.” Charity fires her a sceptical look. “Well not just because of that night. I came back because of the things you said the night before, in the cellar. They made me realise there was way more to you than people think.”
“I should have known that talking would be more important to you than the good stuff.”
“Hey you know I like that stuff, a lot, and if it was just about that I would be back the next night and the night after but I wanted more and I wasn’t sure that was possible.”
Charity looks down at her own hands, “That night in the cellar impacted on me too. You were a drunk, entitled, bossy, know-it-all but you were also a complete revelation that night and every day since then.”
“Don’t be daft”
“I kissed you to shut you up and because you were fiery and gorgeous and I thought it might be a less then terrible way to pass our imprisonment.”
“I’m sorry you standards were so low that night.”
“There was nothing wrong with my standards, babe,” eyes rake up and down Vanessa’s body and she feels her pulse accelerate, “just my expectations.”
“Well then I guess I’m glad I exceeded your low expectations,” she grumbles.
“My expectations could have been through the roof and you still would have exceeded them. I could never have imagined this. Never have imagined you.”
All of a sudden talking is the last thing on Vanessa’s mind, “Charity?”
“What?”
“How about you shut up and take me to bed?”
“Oh babe I thought you’d never ask.” Charity leaps from the couch and then leans down lifting Vanessa up to hold her snug against her chest. Charity kisses her and shuffles her way towards the stairs.
“Charity, please put me down, you can’t see where you’re going.”
“I promise I won’t drop you,” Charity says with such belief that Vanessa is wiling to risk and the bumps and the bruises that she may well encounter on the journey because when Charity is like this, all fierce loyalty and blind faith, she is as magnificent as she irresistible. As Vanessa is jostled up the stairs she realises that even after all this time she still expects to Charity to act like a normal person. She’s been waiting for Charity to say I love you because knows that Charity does, that they both do, but she also knows that Charity is like a skittish horse that will bolt if Vanessa says the words first. The problem is that Charity isn’t a normal person and she’s not going to say it in words, at least not now and maybe not for a long time. Charity does tell her that she loves her though. She just does it in her own way, with dropped stitches and fake moustaches and cleaning products and, Vanessa realises as Charity lays her gently down on the bed and kisses the elbow that took a beating in the trip up the stairs, Charity’s way is better than any time that Vanessa has heard those words said out loud. This, and everything else about Charity, is better than anything Vanessa’s ever known.