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Lies, that's all he felt and knew at this point. His brothers lied, his mother and father lied, hell, he even lied to himself. He was so tired, so incredibly tired. He couldn't deal with this anymore. Sick and tired of the treatment he’s been receiving, but takes it like a champ because he knows, just knows that's the only type of attention he'll get. And it isn't the good type of attention, either, it's the rotten and toxic attention, pointing out flaws and pointing fingers. But he just laughs it off, tears gathering in his eyes behind the sunglasses. He never takes them off anymore, not wanting to show his brother how dead inside he is and how empty his eyes are. Knowing they will just laugh at his predicament, knowing that he himself is far too exhausted, he keeps to himself.
The pills don't help anymore, just makes him spend hours in the bathroom, trying to throw them up. He does it for his mother, who watches him each morning when he takes them. But they soon go down the drain. If you asked him what he was to his brothers he’d say ‘as close as brothers can be’ but he's lying telling those sickeningly lies because he doesn't want to hear the truth come out of his own mouth. ‘A burden’is what he would want to say, what he wants everyone to know. It's gotten to the point he craves the negative attention, but it eats away at him. He doesn't want to be weak, he wants to be the strong brother. But he's well aware, deep inside, he wasn't cut out for it. For hours he'll go to any bar, drinking away his feelings, trying to blot out this week's feelings, but he never forgets. He will watch with attentive eyes as the blood goes down the drain, realizing that he's still flesh and blood, he's still alive, but he doesn't want to be. Tears will run down his cheeks when he's alone, wiping them away and forcing any new tears to go back where they came from and smiles, a fake smile that pains him to do. He wants his mother to know, he needs his mother to know, but he's just too tired to come face to face with her and talk. His dreams, somewhere he thought he could escape his thoughts, begin to turn gruesome. Hanging from a noose, empty pill bottle gripped in his hand, jumping off a bridge thinking he could fly. And he just laughs it off, laughs through his obvious pain and tears.
Because there's one thing that's not a lie in his life. He deserves this.
He doesn't see much of outside anymore. His brothers start to whisper under their breaths about him, and he just knows that his dumb ‘cool façade’ is over. But he keeps it up just a little while longer, so his brothers don't see his obvious hurt. Hoodies in summer were never a good idea, but that's all he could wear. That's all he could ever wear. The cuts were flashing near pink on his pale skin, didn't want to show it to the world. He feels sick, but doesn't help himself by taking meds. God, he hated pills. The way they tasted on his tongue made him want to throw up. His vision would go blurry, and he'd wobble from side to side, feeling like he just got a bad case of vertigo. His mouth was dry like a desert, but never got himself a glass of water. Maybe it was the side effects from the pills, but he wasn't sure.
But if there's one thing he's sure of. It's that he deserves it.
Whenever his brothers bumped into his figure, they noted how they could feel his ribs, but none of them spoke up. None of them. They were too scared of the realization, the reality of what was going on. Jeez, he was hungry. He was always hungry. He doesn't remember the last time he ate, but he knew the reason he didn't feel good was about starvation. And he just smiled it off and congratulated himself for it. A horrible achievement maybe for anyone else, but the blue clad man was content over it. Collapsing was also a small part. He’s glad none of his brothers saw him openly do it, or he'd be done. He gave himself just enough water to last through the day or maybe the next, too, if he was lucky. Bags under his eyes only grew, and soon, the sunglasses were too much to wear, too flashy with someone with such a glum mood. Staying up during the night became normal for him, walking around at midnight was too. Vocal cords didn't allow him to speak anymore. Thank heavens, he was getting sick of hearing himself speak. But it didn't stop him from being able to think. He was lucky. His brothers stopped talking to him after a while, avoiding him (trying to figure out a approach to help him) but he just ignored them like they once did to him. He didn't wanna be mad at his brothers. It was more like he couldn't. He couldn't get mad at them, he loved them too much for that.
There was no point in living. He didn't even have friends, and his family didn't seem to care enough for him. Money in his bank account was collecting, and he was proud of it, scraping by every penny that fell his way. Soon enough, he was able to pay off their large debt on the tab at Chibita’s. Walking outside was hard for him, not to mention moving to the location. The money was slammed on the table and he left without question. He was well aware Chibita would tell his brothers about it, gaining suspicion. But it didn't matter, not anymore.
They wouldn't have to deal with him any longer.
He was happy, for the first time in a while. He didn't remember smiling, or what it felt like. But as his shaky hands unclasped the pill bottle open, he was pleased to find around 30 pills. Just enough. All the pills soon found their way in his starved stomach. He looked into the mirror, realizing it would be his last moments, wanting to see a smile on his face just one last time before he went out. He was extra careful with how he planned this. Making sure his brothers were at the bathhouse, locking the door, and leaving a note just on the sink.
‘dear brothers,
im sorry it had to turn out this way. im just so tired, so incredibly exhausted. i cant deal with this numbness to the world anymore. sorry if you have found me this way, but i just don't think id ever be a help to you all again. i love you all, i love you all to bits, and im sure you know that. i love you so much i don't wanna be a hindrance or burden to you anymore. although id like to see your smiling faces one last time, i know it had to be this way. go on and live your happy lives and forget about me if you haven't already. i love you all so much.
-karamatsu’
His knees buckled and he gripped the pill bottle tighter in his hand. Waves of nausea rocked him before his vision went spotty and what he thought to be his last tears rolled down his cheeks.
His brothers only returned just as he lay unmoving, spending less time at the bathhouse, wanting to talk to their second eldest about how they treated him and how he's been acting. But now they feared they wouldn't get to talk to him one last time when they felt that the door was locked. They made quick work of the door only to see what made them wanna retch on the other side. An unmoving body, too pale, lips a very faint blue. Time wasn't wasted when they called an ambulance, seeing as the body was carried away. The night in the hospital was quiet and they all felt regret washing over them. None of them slept, too anxious for the news that the doctors would bestow them. And one came, a unreadable look upon his face.
Your brother, Karamatsu Matsuno is currently alive, but on life support. He will have to be placed on suicide watch and have an evaluation before he leaves the hospital. You are able to see him right now, but keep voices down to a minimum volume. We've also noticed deep cuts on his arms, some which have gotten infected due to no proper care, and dehydration as well as starvation. Alcohol was found in his system and we also suspect he has mild insomnia. We are currently trying to help his weak and diminished state, but it seems like he was out for himself for a while now.
Speechless is the only word that could describe them. Everyone went to his room without saying a word, sobbing as hard as they could. They knew they just knew they were the ones who caused this on their dear brother. Seeing their brothers pale and calm face didn't give them any hope, just carved it away. They all let out gross sobs, not bothering to hide it. It was too much for them too handle, and their words and actions were too much for Kara to handle apparently too.
It took a week, but all the antidepressants were flushed from his system and he woke up. The eldest in red let out a bitter laugh, realizing how shitty of a brother he must be to have not even noticed his brother taking pills for his depression. They were all hesitant when they stepped in the room, and they were greeted by a lifeless face with tears streaming down it. Any emotion that was on his face before had certainly diminished. He looked like an empty shell.
They were quick to ask his state but got no reply. He just gave them a glance with his soulless eyes and they didn't need to hear his voice, just by seeing it they understood what type of damage they've caused. The eldest tried to explain their actions, saying sorry after every sentence, because he knew those words meant empty nothings. They were all shocked when they heard Karamastu’s voice, sounding empty and timid. But that soon changed to a bitter tone with poison and tears lacing it. He screamed out dates, until he got to the one he placed the most emphasis on. They all wanted to forget, but, no way in hell was Kara going to let them forget. He went into detail about how depressed and sad he was, and how they ignored him. They started crying their hardest when Kara told them that he resorted to cutting, alcohol, starvation, dehydration when he tried to forget what they had done. But it always haunted him.
if you wanted me gone so fucking badly, you could of just let me die on the goddamn ground with the rats for fucks sake!
Kara never swore. But then again, this wasn't kara, this wasn't their brother. This was a man they had broken down to the bare minimum and stripped the feelings from. The crying only got louder and Kara only told them worse things about what they made him do and what they did to him. When he was finally done with his outburst, he laid back on the hospital bed.
I just wanted to die, and you couldn't even give me that one last wish..?
He fell back into a slumber and they went home, crying the rest of their tears out. They made a plan. A faulty one, but one they believed would bring back the happy Kara they knew. Their second eldest brother. They knew he was going to have some trust issues afterwards, but it was worth at least a try. They all listened to Kara, now it was time for him to listen to his brothers.
Kara surely wasn't happy to see the quintuple, but they made sure he would hear them out.
He cried when he saw them. Tears streaming down his cheeks and sobs wracking through his body, he said sorry for his outburst of last night. They were not pleased to hear him saying sorry for something they needed to hear.
And he did. Quite intently, actually. He cried himself out, not even bothering to argue against him. They all gave their part of mind and he finally felt like he was at least loved a bit now.
When they went home, Kara was asked everyday if he was doing okay, and he answered honestly to these questions, not lying over it. He was longer tired.
Finally included in his brothers activities and he managed to cut his ‘cool guy’ act out, letting his real self seep out, they observed that he didn't smile nearly as much as his counterpart, and didn't wear anymore flashy clothes. They loved his true persona, even if Kara felt like he was too boring and bland for the diverse group of strange brothers.
He was still having a bit of trouble trusting them, but he finally managed to get the hang of if. It was like they were finally young boys again, all together united and unbreakable.
Karamastu was finally happy again after God knows how long. He was happy that his brothers seemed more happy now. But he was proud of himself, for getting over the bad time in his life.