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“So as you’ve probably read, it’s a three storey, five bedroom house, and – sorry, castle, technically, and it has,” the estate agent pauses to flip through the little matte booklet that she holds in her long, painted nails; but before she can continue, Phil already speaks up,
“Three bathrooms and about two acres of land.” Phil says as she looks up with a smile,
“Yes,” she nods, “looks like someone’s been doing his homework.” She laughs at her own joke as they continue to walk along the cobbled path. Dan squeezes Phil’s hand that’s slipped nicely into his. It fits well there.
Phil gives a laugh, and squeezes back.
“So I’ll give you a little run down about the finer details later, but until then, why don’t we have a look inside?” she smiles cheerily as Dan and Phil look up to see the property before them.
It’s beautiful beyond words.
They step into the entrance and it’s unlike any hallway Dan’s ever see in his life. He thinks briefly about his tiny little home in Wokingham where the wallpaper would peel and the carpet was slightly rotten. He looks around at the tan dusty bricks that surround them, each one a slightly different shape; giving it a rustic, but beautiful look.
“So this was originally a 12th century castle from the Normandy times, I do believe.” She tells them over the clink, clink of her heels against the dark wooden floorboards beneath them.
Dan hums, he’s only half listening; he’s way too enchanted by their surroundings to hear what she’s saying.
He looks over at Phil who is looking around, and he doesn’t miss the glint in his eyes when he takes it all in. This room might be incredible but to Dan there’s nothing more breath-taking than Phil. He’ll always be the prettiest thing in the room to him.
“So if you’d like to perhaps follow me and we can keep looking?” The agent, Karen, pulls Dan out his trance and blinks at her and finds himself being pulled along by the hand as Phil quickly follows her.
They continue on the tour, and they learn that the property was originally used for civil partnerships and when she tells them that Dan can feel himself tense, but Phil’s hand in his, he relaxes and she smiles softly at them both.
The rest of the house – castle, whatever it is, is amazing. There’s two dining rooms,
“One for everyday use and another for dinner parties maybe?” Karen suggests after Phil whispers,
“What the hell would we do with two dining rooms?”
Dan gives a short bark of laughter at the thought of them hosting any dinner parties. He thinks of all the nights they’d stay in their pants on the sofa eating takeaway Chinese food curled up against each other until 3am. Not exactly dinner party kind of guys.
It has a big lounge that has furniture that’s definitely outdated but it has a big open fireplace and Dan finds himself staring into it, trying to imagine the winter nights he could spend curled up in front of it.
They continue to the kitchen; it’s far from their modern one they have home with sleek plastic cabinets; but it’s cosy and country and lovely. When Dan looks over at Phil he can see the cogs running in his head; he can see how he’s imagining long nights sat in here, whispering silly ideas to each other, just like they always do. It even has a pantry and Phil audibly gasps in surprise,
“I didn’t even know that England had pantries.” He beams, opening it up to take a better look, emitting a fond loud laugh from Dan.
“So like I said, there’s five bedrooms here. Of course, any one of these rooms can be changed into an office space – what was it you said you both did again?” she stops on the stairs to face them,
“Editing.” Dan tells her quickly; he doesn’t want to ruin this nice little moment they have going on with Phil trying to explain what ‘making videos on the internet’ means. She just smiles and continues to climb the stairs, almost as if she still doesn’t really understand.
“So we have three of the bedrooms on this floor,” she says at the reach the first floor, “and the other two on the next floor up which I’ll show you in a moment.” She nods and makes her way to the first bedroom.
It’s big, and again, doesn’t have the exact furniture that Dan would deem acceptable for his taste but it doesn’t matter. He imagines what this’ll look like with his own ideas.
“So this is one of the bigger rooms.” She tells them as they stand there, twisting their bodies to take it all in.
“You didn’t say you had children, right?” she asks and Phil looks round back at her,
“No,” he shakes his head, “not yet, at least.”
Dan doesn’t hold his hand, but instead brushes his pinky finger against his. And when Phil brushes his back does it send jolts of warmth through his body,
“How lovely! This could easily be used as perhaps a playroom or – “ poor Karen doesn’t get a chance to rattle off the rest of her ideas because Phil almost jumps at the idea, eyes wide,
“That’s an amazing idea!” he tells her and she laughs at his keen enthusiasm and nods,
“Well, there are plenty of options Mr Lester, that’s the magnificence of this house.” She winks at him and Phil snorts a laugh,
They continue through to the next two bedrooms; they’re not as big as the last but they’re still huge. Bigger than the rooms they have at their home right no; bigger than Dan’s little brown room that seems so far away from them right now.
Dan stops in each one to imagine what these would look like with tiny bed’s and little furniture for a little person of their own. He thinks about what they’d have hanging on the walls when they’d get older and what colours they’d paint the walls and the many nights they’d spend in here tucking them into their little beds, pressing kisses into their hair. It’s a good thought, Dan thinks. A really good thought.
“And we have the three bathrooms here too.” She shows them. They each have a bath, and whilst it’s still on Dan’s wishes to find a bath big enough for the two of them, he can’t help but imagine them in each one, overflowing with bubbles and a warm honey scent filling the air as they sip on tall flutes of champagne. Maybe they’ll do that later at home. Just less sophisticated and more cramped.
Then she shows them the great tower; the most castle part of this castle-ruined home. Phil squeals in delight and slaps Dan’s arm playfully when they see it. It’s bricked and beautiful and something out of a fairy-tale. The whole house is, really, and when Phil’s finally calmed down, Karen takes them to the gardens where she’s sure the two of them are about to pass out.
It’s a long stretch of greenery looking out to the lake with tiny shrubs and trees dotted around. It’s so far from the little garden balcony they have up in London and Dan is sure he could cry when he imagines Phil out here, knees in the soil as he plants little beds of flowers in neat rows under the warm summer sun.
There’s flowers and ivy growing up the side of the castle ruins and Dan wishes that Karen would look away for a moment so he could snap a picture for instagram, but he finds himself smiling to himself. If they buy this house, he’s gonna get plenty of other chances to do that. So many.
“There’s a little outbuilding out there; again like I said, this was a commercial area for weddings and such, but I think that with a little fixing up you could turn it around. Such as the bakery, obviously.”
Phil almost passes out.
“Bakery?” he mutters, shocked as he grips Dan’s arm tightly for support,
Karen laughs with her head thrown back, her hair bouncing off her shoulders, “Yes, the bakery, come on I’ll show you.”
The bakery is more than amazing. It smells like pastry and Dan knows it won’t really last but he’s unsure for words. What the hell would they even do with a bakery? It has the classic brick walls and cobbled floors and pretty little white wooden windows.
“So like I said, it could use a little paint and a lot of love,” Karen says whilst admiring the room around her, spinning slowly on the heel of her shoe, “since a room like this is only accessible from the outside you could turn it into something like a gym or another study.”
Dan is about to open his mouth before Phil is tugging on his arm, almost pulling it from its socket, looking up at him with big wide pleading eyes,
“We have to keep this.” He demands and Dan looks up at Karen and back at Phil with a fond look,
“Sure, Phil. We need to buy the house first though.” he reminds him and Phil rolls his eyes playfully, almost telling him, ‘yeah, as if we’re about to give up a place like this.’
And Dan would only be able to agree with him.
Karen shows them round again, quicker this time, going over the smaller details such as closest locations and information about the area and Dan just nods and listening, pretending like he hasn’t already goggled the nearest schools and train stations.
The tour is finally over and they have to leave. It hurts to watch her lock the door and tuck it into her blazer pocket and make her way to her car; it’s like watching her walk away with their future in her hands. But she gives them her business card and tells them to stay in touch, giving them a gentle reminder that houses like these don’t last forever on the market, and Dan has to stop Phil from making an offer right there and then.
She says her goodbyes and they both thank her for her time as she steps into her BMW and drives away, leaving them in the silence of her car tyres against stone and the sounds of birds.
They stand there for a while, looking up at the house in awe, not saying a word. They both just need to soak it all in for a moment.
“It’s incredible, Dan.” Phil says in an almost whisper and Dan hums in agreement. He’s not sure what he’s feeling right now, it seems to be overloading him and he’s a little wobbled. But with Phil beside him with their hands locked together keeps him grounded like a rock.
“Fuck.” Is all Dan manages to get out. He’s feeling choked up but there’s no way he’s crying over the first house tour they’ve had. Phil bumps his shoulder; a silent comfort.
Eventually the cab that Phil had text for just as they were finishing up on the second look round pulls up outside by their feet and Dan’s sure it physically hurts to pull his feet from the ground and get in the car, looking out the window like a child, letting his breath settle on the windows as he watches the home of their dreams turn into nothing but a dot.
The train from Herefordshire back home is long and tiresome; there’s a rush of people coming and going to work and a few teenagers that stagger onto the train at the last second with slurred sentences and words to loud for Dan’s tired brain. But he can’t help but smile and look over at Phil who’s on his phone, playing some new game he’s been obsessed with lately. He sometimes misses being a young stupid kid in love. But this is fine too. He got to grow up with him. It’s perfect.
They get off the train and walk the short distance from the station back to their apartment. It’s cold from where the air con had still been on, even on the lowest setting and Dan lets his tired body collapse into his familiar sofa crease, letting out an exaggerated moan as he does so. The sun is setting outside and the last drops of honey golden sun are oozing through the window and over his face warmly.
Phil walks in from the kitchen with two mugs of tea, passing one to Dan carefully,
“So.” Phil says as he sits down with his own tea cradled in his hands,
“Fucking hell Phil.” Dan sips his tea and smacks his lips, “That was –“
“The best thing you’ve ever seen in your life?” Phil leans forward eagerly, his tea sloshing around his mug dangerously.
Dan nods, “So fucking amazing.” He really is lost for words.
“Dan, I know this is crazy but, like, we need to make a decision, Karen said that it probably be snatched up super quick and-“
Dan shifts closers, careful of the hot liquid in his hands and places a free hand on his knee, silencing him,
“Phil, baby, don’t worry okay? Let’s not go crazy; we need to think this through.” Dan reminds him, because he can’t be making a huge decision like that just for the sake of it.
Phil sighs and sits back a little, and Dan can see the through process that begins behind his eyes, he sits up again,
“Yeah,’ he nods, “yeah, okay. You’re right.” He looks up and offers him a small smile.
Dan sits back against the sofa, head tilting back to look up at the white ceiling above him, how it doesn’t compare to the bit arched cobbled walls of the house they just left.
“I used to think I’d never get out of Wokingham.” Dan tells him quietly.
“Yeah?” Phil asks, head also rolling back to look up as if they were looking up at the stars instead of their own ceiling in the middle of the day.
“Yeah.” Dan swallows thickly, “I used to think I’d be stuck in that tiny little three bedroom house for the rest of my life.”
Phil gives a little laugh, “Yeah and then you were stuck in that tiny little apartment in Manchester with me.”
Dan’s heart swells.
“God, no. I was never stuck there. That was so much more different.” Dan says, and he’s not sure why his voice sounds slightly shaky and why his eyes burn with the threat of tears, but he doesn’t care.
“Really?” Phil asks, and Dan nods,
“Yeah. That apartment it was –” Dan pauses. It was everything, essentially. It was their first home together, it was a million memories and a home to thousands of moments. It was almost everything to Dan.
“It was the beginning of our life together.” Dan tells him in a low voice, almost a whisper.
He glances over to see Phil smile at him, wide and fond.
“It was, wasn’t it?”
Dan laughs, “It really was.”
“Remember when you pulled the tap off the sink?” Phil laughs and Dan gives a wheezy laugh back, shaking his head,
“Oh my god, that was awful. There was water everywhere! I’m surprised the landlord didn’t throw us out then and there.” Dan laughs, remembering the memory vividly. How he’d screamed as Phil flapped his arms around hopelessly until they were both soaked through, laughing uncontrollably.
“Remember the gas leak in the last place?” Dan says and he hears Phil groan,
“I think I got brain damage from that, you know?” Phil tells him and Dan just swats his arm playfully,
“No – I think you got brain damage from the time you stayed over in my dorm, d’you remember? And we tried to sleep on my shitty single bed,” Dan’s laughing now, “and you bloody – you fell off and smacked you head against my desk and you wouldn’t stop laughing because I was crying.”
Phil laughs, “You were so worried about me.”
Dan hums, “Yeah, well, it was late and I didn’t wanna take you to the hospital.”
Phil places his free hand on Dan’s knee,
“Sure, babe. Sure.”
They sit in silence for a while, sipping quietly on their tea until it was cool enough.
“Do we want this Phil?” Dan asks after a while, sitting up to face Phil. His eyes are dark with a serious aura about them.
“Do we want some giant fancy house, or, fuck – castle, just because we have the money? Do you wanna raise our kids like that? Does it even matter?” He asks as Phil takes Dan’s mug from his hands and places on the floor by his feet carefully,
“Dan, honey –“ he starts by putting a firm hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze, “we could raise our family in a goddamn barn if we had to,” he laughs, watching as Dan’s expression softens slightly, “because no matter where the hell we live, it doesn’t matter to me. As long as we’re happy, and we’re together. That’s the only thing I care about.”
Dan sighs, sucking in a shuddery breath.
“But, I thought that the whole point of renting, the tours – it was all so we could, you know, splurge out and get somewhere nice. I don’t wanna settle for something mediocre, you know?”
Phil nods, “I know, Dan. It’s a big scary decision, and if you want a small home with just three bedrooms, that’s okay. And if you want a literal castle with freaking bakery and five bedrooms, then that’s okay too.” He assures him,
“I’d go anywhere with you. You know that.”
There’s the bubble of tears behind Dan’s honey coloured eyes as he gazes into Phil’s ocean blue ones. There’s the heavy beating of his swelling heart that pounds at his ribcage at the mere thought of starting family with him; the man he loves so much.
Dan sniffs, trying to blink away tears, “Yeah, god, you’re so right Phil.”
He can see the glisten of tears in Phil’s own eyes as he smiles at him.
“I’m always right you buffoon.”
Dan just punches his arm lightly, laughing a watery laugh as tears slip down his cheeks like rain.
“Are we doing this then?” he asks in a whisper, almost like a child.
Phil’s hand slips from Dan’s shoulder to his hand that sits in his lap, holding onto it and lacing their fingers together with a warm squeeze,
“Of course.”
They end up looking at another house, just a little way from the castle they’d already viewed.
It had four bedrooms and two nice modern bathrooms and a sleek kitchen-dining area that looked like it had been pulled straight out of an IKEA showroom. In fact the whole house looked like it had come from IKEA.
It reminded Dan of long nights spend on their first night in London trying to piece together their IKEA bed, Dan grumbling at their hopelessness as Phil spent a good twenty minutes crawling across the floor in search for missing screws. He vividly remembers the first few nights spent sleeping on a mattress on the floor with his head on Phil’s chest as they lay so far away from their tall ceilings.
Karen shows them to the garden; it’s long and narrow and doesn’t have a lake, or castle ruins scattered around it. It has three six-foot tall beige fences surrounding it from their neighbours and a neat square patch of grass.
Dan desperately tries to imagine summers spent out here with a child tottering about and a dog rolling around. He tries to plan out where a barbeque would go, and where they could put garden furniture, but all he can think about is how the last house had long stretches of land and there was a lovely area by some of the castle ruins that he could perhaps build a decking and they could spend long summer nights out there having burgers and maybe sit outside once the kids were in bed, and drink tall glasses of wine until their eyes get heavy and the sun dips underneath the hills.
He tries to shake the idea out of his head once Karen starts telling them about the surrounding area, telling them about the nearest schools and the train stations that connected back to London, but he cant. Not when he’s imagining perhaps building a pool and maybe having a hot tub or something.
She finishes off the house tour with a smile, the same smile from before and it reminds Dan that she’s just doing her job; that to her, as nice as she is, it doesn’t matter what house they pick. It doesn’t matter to her what home they decide to raise their family and start their future in because she’s just doing her job and she probably has another few appointments later, which she’ll use the same promising smile for.
“So let me know, you have my number and – oh! Do let me know about the last property we discussed; I had another viewing just yesterday so if you’re interesting I wouldn’t hang about. Would be a shame to miss out.” Karen says as she’s leading them out the door where their taxi back to the station waits on the drive.
“Yes, of course, we’ll probably have a chat tonight, me and Dan.” Phil tells her with a thankful smile.
They say goodbye at the door and this time when they step into the car are drive away, it doesn’t feel like Dan’s heart is being ripped apart. He doesn’t even look up at the window to watch it disappear.
He glances over at Phil who’s already pulled his phone out, scrolling through his instagram feed.
Even without words, Dan just knows how Phil is feeling right now.
Dan wants to say something, to tell him that it wasn’t the house, but he hated it, that it wasn’t them and that the garden wasn’t big and lush and there was no spiralling staircase to a tower; but he holds his tongue as the car makes it way to the station. They’ll talk when they get home.
The train is long and they’re both tired by the time they get back to the city so Dan pulls Phil into a small little starbucks on the corner and sits him down as he goes and orders their drinks.
He sits down with their macchiatos and Phil thanks him with a small brush of his fingers against his.
“I think I was just scared.” Dan says suddenly. Phil looks up from his drink at him with a curved brow, he watches the way Dan’s fingers tap against his cup so he doesn’t speak and waits,
“I remember when I was a kid we weren’t allowed luxuries.” Dan tells him, “We had to save for the important things, and whenever my parents did ever get me things, I’d feel bad afterwards. Like I didn’t deserve it.” he’s gripping his cup now, his big, huge hands wrapping around it, completely engulfing it.
Phil reaches out to touch them, resting there for a while until Dan looks up at him. There’s the mindless chatter of people around them, but sometimes it feels like it’s just them. The two of them against the world.
“I want to deserve the good things, Phil. I don’t want to settle for just a house. I want to have a home and enjoy it.”
Phil runs his fingers over his knuckles, just gently ghosting over them.
“We’ve saved for so long, Phil. You don’t even by shirts barely more than £20 because we’ve been saving for fucking long.” Dan exclaims, his voice is shaky and he’s sure he’s about to cry in the corner of this busy starbucks, but Phil’s knee presses against his under the table and it’s the equivalent of a hug; a kiss, even.
“I want a decking by the ruins and somewhere our kids can run around. I want picnics by the lake and slow dances by a huge open fire.” Dan tells him, leaning closer with a low voice, he’s smiling wide, but his eyes still glisten with unfallen tears.
“I want to do this with you, Phil. We’ve been waiting for this since Manchester, since before then, from when we used to sleep up in your room back at your parent house.”
Phil smiles at that, his hands still over Dan’s.
“I don’t want our kids to be spoilt by a big fancy home, but they won’t, because we’ll raise them right, we’ll love them and teach them what’s right and what’s wrong and they’ll appreciate everything like I did when I was a kid.”
Phil nods. They usually wouldn’t be having a conversation like this out in public, but he doesn’t care, because right now he’s drinking in what Dan is telling him and everything else is turned off to him. It’s just him and Dan.
“I want that too, Dan. So much.” He tells him and his voice croaks from how emotional he’s feeling.
“Then let’s just fucking do it.” Dan’s voice gives way as it cracks and he’s crying.
He lets go of his cup to rub his eyes with the back of his hand, and laughs as Phil does the same, tears unfallen.
“Okay.” Phil says, looking a little shocked, but he has a wide grin from ear to ear. “Okay. Let’s fucking do it.”
They’re back at the castle-house within the next three days and Karen shows them round, a third time, her heels clicking against the beautiful wooden floors and it feels like music to Dan’s ears. He has a grin stretched across his face, his hand in Phil’s, shoulder to shoulder and they walk back through the house.
She tells them what they’ve already heard and they nod along, waiting for her to stop talking so they can tell her they’re making an offer.
They go to the garden and sit on an old looking picnic bench, Dan sits down next to Phil and looks at the worn wood and is already planning on how he’s going to probably get some primer or something, to liven this dead looking bench up. It’ll look nice in white or –
“- I do have some news, however.” Karen’s stern voice rips Dan straight out of his little daydream, blinking up at her. Her blonde hair is curled by her shoulders makes her look like some sort of angel. If she can get them this house Dan will be convinced she is.
“There is another buyer, an elderly man who has made an offer so far. His wishes are to keep this as a communal lot. You can still make an offer and I can tell you his price but I’ll warn you, it’s a little over the asking price as agreed.”
She looks sorry, she really does, and it makes Dan feel as if he was wrong before, about this being just a job to her. His heart sinks. He’s not sure they can really go above the asking price; it was already a lot, and he’s sure that whatever number that comes out of Karen’s mouth is enough to put this idea, this dream, in the ground buried six feet under.
He glances at Phil who looks exactly how Dan’s feeling. Unsure and scared.
“If you could show us then, please, and we can make a decision.” Dan finds himself saying. He’s not sure he wants to know. It’s going to be too much and he can’t bear to have to walk away from this. But he has to know.
Karen nods and pulls out some papers form her handbag that’s perched beside her. She hums quietly to herself as she flips through some booklets and every second she takes to find it seems to grow longer.
She eventually pulls out a single paper from her pile, eyes scamming over it before setting it down, pushing it towards them. It has the offer that the last man has put. Dan swallows dryly.
“Dan…” Phil says quietly as he reads over it, his eyes going back and forth and he reads the same line over and over again.
“Phil,” Dan says back, unsure of what to really say.
“If you boys would like to take a minute to discuss this, then I can leave for a moment?” Karen offers but Phil shakes his head slowly.
“No, it’s, uh. No I think we both know.” He looks up at her and gives her a sympathetic smile for no reason. It’s not her that’s just lost her dream house.
Karen looks at Phil and then and Dan and then back at Phil,
“Are you sure?” She asks, and Phil is about to open his mouth when Dan interrupts him,
“We’ll double his offer. Triple it if need be.” Dan says and Phil spins to face him,
“Dan, what – I don’t, we can’t.” Phil tells him with wide confused eyes. Dan looks away from Karen’s own shocked expression to Phil’s.
“This is, Dan it’s too much – we said we wouldn’t – “
Dan stops him with a hand on his knee, “I know what we said, Phil. But we’ve talked and talked and talked about this.” He tells him,
“We fucking deserve this, Phil. After everything, we can do this. Sure it may leave a bit of a dent in our account,” Dan shrugs, “but Phil, god, this is our home. Not some old guys fucking park.”
Phil shoots a look at Karen in apology but she smiles anyways as he looks back at Dan,
“I said I didn’t want to feel bad about doing something good for ourselves and you agreed with me. The money doesn’t matter to me Phil, it never did.” Dan tells him and Phil is looking over at him, trying to conjure something to say,
“I felt it the moment we walked in, that this was our home. That this was our future. This is where we’re gonna raise our kids, Phil.”
Phil nods and he can hear Karen shuffling papers across from him.
“We can do this, Phil. We can make it work. Just like we always do.”
Phil places his hand over Dan’s.
“If you’re in, then I’m in.”
Phil laughs wetly, feeling like he could cry again. It feels like all they’ve done is cry lately and these tears that pool up in his eyes feel like the happiest of tears. He blinks and they’re streaming down his face, squeezing Dan’s hand in his. He’s never felt more sure than this in his life. It’s them against the world, always.
He smiles, and takes a deep breath,
“I’m in.”