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When they’re burnt out from a particularly shitty class, Nursey likes to explore Youtube for new artists to listen to. It became a habit in high school to click their way down a musical rabbit hole whenever they felt frazzled from school, so when Nursey needs to destress after their class with a teacher subtle enough in their racism not to get fired, Nursey knows what to do. They hole up in their bedroom, Dex is in his evening class, and lounge in their bed with a book and music. Nursey finds a random song to listen to, then they let autoplay carry them on a journey.
Nursey fades in and out until they finish their book, which they’d already been so close to completing. In the lull, they notice that they’re been listening to the same artist for a while. Cavetown is decidedly a good artist, in Nursey’s mind, so they subscribe and play a Cavetown playlist comprised of original songs and covers by the artist as well as covers of the artist. Settling in with the next book by the same author, Nursey sinks into the music.
They’re pulled back out of a haze when a video with a dialogue intro starts.
“Hey, guys, I’m gonna sing Dysphoric by Cavetown today. I, uh, really relate to this song, being trans and having dysphoria and stuff. I hope you like it.” The voice sounds almost familiar, but too soft. Maybe too high?
Nursey puts down their book to focus their attention on the laptop screen. The sight of an amber-eyed redhead jars them. It’s not Dex, though, or at least it doesn’t seem to be. This person has a rounder face. Their voice is too high, and it lacks Dex’s gruffness.
But they have Dex’s calloused, work-worn hands, which is almost as damning as Dex’s favorite flannel draped on the back of their chair. Hands change, but that flannel is eternal.
So Nursey watches a few more videos, just to make sure that this really is Dex. They listen to this person talk about the people in their small-minded town, their uncle and his fishing boat, their discovery of the term transgender and how it applies to them. The playlist mainly plays old videos until it doesn’t.
Dex’s voice is familiar now, low with a flannel-like softness that Nursey has tried and failed to describe. It is soft and smooth, worn in from good use, but warm and sturdy. Nursey’s words can’t make sense of it, but Nursey could recognize it even if Dex’s familiar face and favorite flannel didn’t fill the screen. It figures that he’d even wear it during the summer, Nursey thinks when he sees the posting date for the video.
“I ended up falling in love with an asshole and this song reminds me of him, though I’m not really sure which of us is actually Lemon Boy,” Dex says before diving straight into his cover.
Nursey is startled, to say the least. Dex is Nursey’s D-man, but more importantly Dex is Nursey’s friend. They feel like they would have known if Dex was in love with someone, but this video proves them wrong.
I shouldn’t listen to this, Nursey thinks, but they don’t close the web browser fast enough to miss out on the opening lyrics of the song.
“There once was a bittersweet man and they called him lemonboy.”
Despite it being an invasion of Dex’s privacy, Nursey has gotten to the point where they need to know. Nursey, who has dedicated a specific notebook to messily scrawled and unedited prose about their angry ginger D-man, needs to listen and pull any clues they can from the song. They hope desperately that the asshole Dex dedicates this song to is them.
“Lemon Boy and me started to get along together. I helped him plant his seeds and we mowed the lawn in bad weather. It’s actually pretty easy being nice to a bitter boy like him so I got myself a citrus friend.”
Once the singing ends, Nursey closes the tab.
Nursey is totally fucked because, if they’re right, this song is for them. Who else would remind Dex of bittersweetness developing into friendship? Nursey is the only person Dex has really had a bad relationship with at Samwell. But this video was posted during break, so maybe it’s about someone from Maine? It drives Nursey crazy thinking about it.
The door opens, Dex arriving home from class, and Nursey, in their guilt, tries to close their laptop but instead falls off their bunk. Thankfully, they managed to close their laptop and it is still on the top bunk.
Dex puts his bag down next to their desk and stands over Nursey, who is sprawled across the floor. “Hey Nurse, you okay?”
Nursey tries to smile nonchalantly up at Dex from the floor, maintaining a visage of chill. “I have a better view from down here.”
“Sure Nursey,” Dex replies sarcastically, flushed red from ear to ear. He grabs pajamas from his dresser, sweats and a tee, and heads toward the bathroom.
Nursey realizes that they’ve never seen Dex shirtless before, now that they’re aware of the reason for it. They want Dex to trust them, maybe even love them if they let themself be hopeful, so they wonder if they can disable their chill for the twenty seconds it would take to tell Dex that Nursey is nonbinary, to prove that they trust their D-man with not only their safety on the ice but also their secrets.
When Dex returns, he sets up his laptop on their shared desk, and Nursey decides to take the leap.
“I’m nonbinary,” they say, still on the floor. They look at Dex and Dex looks back. “I haven’t told anybody else yet.”
Dex’s brows are furrowed, his face slack, and Nursey recognizes it as his expression of confusion and being caught off guard.
“Thank you for trusting me with this moment. But why me?”
Nursey feels so guilty that they have to tell Dex the truth. “I found your youtube channel, but it was an accident, I swear.”
There are two possible outcomes that Nursey expects: 1, Dex goes pale and shuts down, or 2, Dex turns red and screams angrily. Instead, Dex pales only slightly before turning away with a sigh to finish setting up his computer.
“I’m surprised it took this long for someone else to find it, but it’s out there in the public and I’m not really trying to hide it anyway.” Nursey questions the ‘someone else’ part of the comment but doesn’t get to ask because Dex continues, averting his gaze under the pretense of computer work. “How much did you watch?”
“It took a few videos to figure out it really was you. I wasn’t totally sure until I saw a newer video because autoplay was showing me old stuff.” Dex had bulked up and gained sharp angles in the year since the Dysphoric cover, causing Nursey’s trouble identifying him; Nursey barely remembers the old Dex through memories of the new Dex’s sharpened jaw and raised confidence. “You have a nice voice, Poindexter,” Nursey says to try to lessen the awkwardness of the situation but fails.
After a pause too long, Dex says, small and soft, “Thanks.” Another pause, then he asks, “So you know I’m trans?”
“Yeah.”
“What else?”
Nursey knows what he’s asking, or at least Nursey thinks they know what he’s asking. They hope. When it comes to Dex, they’ve been doing that a lot lately. “In the last video I watched you said you’re really into someone.”
Dex scoffs and finally turns to meet Nursey’s eyes. His face is splotchy and red. “No need to play dumb, Nursey. Just get it over with.”
“Get what over with?” The entire situation is throwing Nursey through a loop and they honestly don’t understand what Dex is talking about. They aren’t playing dumb; they are genuinely clueless.
“Turn me down already so we can go back to ignoring my stupid crush on you. Hurry up, I have homework to do.”
Nursey’s breath catches in their throat and they quite literally choke on their surprise. They try to breathe, but their position on the ground does not promote even breathing and they have to sit up while they cough up their true feelings.
A warm hand touches Nursey’s shoulder, bare in his tanktop. Once they regain the ability to breathe, Nursey looks up into Dex’s eyes. Dex looks as floored as Nursey feels.
“You didn’t know?”
At the expense of their carefully crafted chill, Nursey decides the best route is to offer the truth.
“I hoped, but no, I didn’t know. Lemon Boy made me suspect, though.”
Dex drops his hand from Nursey’s shoulder and sits down next to Nursey on the floor. He forces an awkward smile. “We should probably talk, huh?”
Nursey lays back down on the floor, this time resting their head on Dex’s legs. They grin, emboldened by the knowledge that Dex basically confessed his love for Nursey to the internet. “Sure, but can we talk like this? I have a better view from down here.”