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Chapter Text

The next morning, Gavin woke up before Connor, and he gently peeled the other boy’s hot arm off of his body before he snuck into the living room. 

Hank wasn’t home yet. It was Saturday, and he usually didn’t get in from wherever he was until noon, so Gavin had to run his way home in the early morning dew. It was cool on his heated skin, the extra warmth Connor provided throughout the night enough to have Gavin sweating through his clothes by morning. Not that he was complaining. What was a little sweat compared to the feel of another person? 

When Gavin finally ran up to his house, he desperately hoped his dad was still sleeping. He ran around to his bedroom window on the side of the house and carefully pushed it open, cringing at the harsh sound of the heavy wood sliding up. 

He crawled through, and once his feet dropped to the ground, he turned on his heel and stopped. 

His father was sitting down on Gavin’s bed, a small picture gripped tightly between his hands. Gavin’s heart jumped into his throat painfully as he realized which photo he was staring sullenly at. It was the picture of Gavin, Connor, Hank, and Gavin’s mom at the duck pond. It wasn’t exactly a secret photo, but Gavin didn’t really want his dad looking at it nonetheless. 

“I told you not to go over there,” his dad said, his voice rough. 

It sounded like he’d been crying, and Gavin’s suspicion was confirmed when his dad finally gazed up at him, and the red-rimmed eyes looked so out of place on his father. For 14 years, Gavin had gone without ever seeing his dad cry, and in the span of a matter of months, he’d seen this now familiar haunted, wet look in his father’s eyes many times. 

Gavin stepped forward into the dark room, hesitant. “Dad…” 

“I tell you every day. I say, ‘Son, I don’t want you going over to that boy’s house anymore,’ and what do you do? You disrespect me, and you hightail it out of here every damn time!” His dad yelled that last part, and Gavin jumped at the volume of it. His dad had yelled at him plenty of times before when Gavin had gotten in trouble, but he’d always had his mom there to act as a buffer, to calm his dad down enough to where Gavin didn’t feel so scared anymore, so small. 

But, there was no one here to protect him anymore. 

Gavin clenched his fists by his side, his stubborn self unable to take such a verbal beating without retaliating in some way. “He’s my best friend, okay? Mom always used to let me go—” 

“Your mother’s not here,” his dad interrupted harshly, his dark eyes wide and intense as his gaze burned into Gavin’s. “And, whose fault is that?” 

Gavin almost kept it to himself. Almost kept the dark thoughts he had at night when he was alone in right now. But, what did it fucking matter anymore? 

“You! You. It’s your fault mom was out there in the rain. You made her cry, and you were the one she was trying to get away from,” he yelled, unable to stop the rush of angry tears popping from the corners of his eyes.  

Gavin didn’t really believe his own words, but it was easier to believe that than the ugly truth Gavin knew deep in his heart. 

His dad chuckled, but it was mocking. His dad was laughing at him, and Gavin’s little fists only clenched tighter at the mockery. “My sweet boy,” he said softly, and Gavin blinked. “You must be incredibly naïve if you think I was to blame. I loved your mother—” he said and stopped to take in a shuddering breath. After a moment of holding it, he shook his head to himself. “You don’t know a thing.” 

“What are you talking about?” Gavin said, because he was tired of the lies and the secrets he knew his parents kept. What did it matter now if she was gone? 

Gavin’s dad gazed down at the picture in his hand once more before he scoffed and tossed it aside onto Gavin’s bed. He stood up and faced Gavin with sad eyes, a look Gavin was having a hard time trying to reconcile with his father’s nonsense. 

“Why do you think we were fighting that night?” his dad said. 

The first thought that popped into Gavin’s head was because of me. But, he couldn’t seem to voice that thought out loud. So, he didn’t respond. He only hung his head, and wrapped his arms around himself. 

His dad continued, and each word was like a punch to the stomach as Gavin listened. “Your mother was having an affair. You know what that word means? I’ll give you three guesses as to who.” 

Gavin couldn’t even think past the string of no, no, no chorusing through his head, that he didn’t even dwell on the way his father thought he was too stupid to know what words meant. 

“No…” Gavin said, shaking his head. No, it wasn’t true. It wasn’t. It couldn’t. 

“Don’t act so surprised. You can’t tell me you never saw anything happen between them.” 

But, it was true. 

It was very true, and Gavin thought he might have known the whole time. Since that very first night he saw the two of them whispering on the couch together. 

And, everything made sense now. All the secret touches he’d witnessed when his mom and Hank thought no one was looking. The way his mother smiled so brightly at Hank like the way she used to smile at his dad. Why Gavin’s father never liked Hank, and why he now wanted Gavin to stay away from Connor and his dad. The way her wedding ring had been found at Hank’s house when it had no business being there otherwise. 

Gavin could feel those furrowed brows coming back into place as his anger simmered in his gut, and he knew his mom always hated that, always tried to smooth the wrinkles from his forehead, but like his dad had said—she wasn’t here. 

“Now do you see, son?” his dad said, and Gavin was too caught up in his growing anger to care too much when his father reached down to brace Gavin’s shoulders. “That man and his son are no good for you. That man stole your mother away from me, and that’s why she went out that night. Because of a stupid fight that never would have happened if it hadn’t been for him.” 

“No,” Gavin said desperately. “No, Connor is… He’s my best friend.” How could his father say that his best friend was no good when he was the only good thing Gavin had left? 

His dad clenched his shoulder tighter, trying to get his attention. “What kind of friend lies to you, huh? You say this boy is smart, then surely he must have put two and two together when he found that ring. And, he hasn’t told you a damn thing. He kept you in the dark.” 

“No,” Gavin whined, shaking his head and closing his eyes, trying to get away from all the hateful feelings coursing through him. He didn’t want to believe his dad, his dad was a dick … but it all just made sense to Gavin. It made sense just like in the way the quickest and dirtiest play always won. It was a cheat, but it always prevailed. 

“Yes. You know it’s true, son, you know—” 

“No! I don’t know anything!” Gavin said and finally wrenched himself away from his father’s grip and took off out the window once more, his father’s haunting words reeling in his head the entire run back to Connor’s house. 

Gavin was just full of rage as he ran up the familiar pavement that led to the front door of Connor’s house. Hank’s car was in the driveway now, and Gavin sniffled as he wiped his sleeve across his nose. He banged on the door, once, twice, thrice— 

His fist swung through the air as the door flew open, and Connor was standing there, eyes wide and concerned. Always concerned. 

“Gavin, what’s the—” 

“Hank. Where’s Hank? I know he’s here,” Gavin said and tried to push past Connor and into the house to go search for him, but Connor surprised him by shoving against Gavin, keeping him trapped outside. 

“Wait, what’s wrong?” 

“Move, Connor, before I make you.” The threat was clear in Gavin’s voice if Connor’s shot up eyebrows said anything. Gavin’s voice was low and dangerous, and he’d never spoken to Connor this way. But, he wasn’t really thinking right now, either. His dad’s words were blinding him, consuming him until all that was left was his raging need for the truth.  

Connor slowly straightened up, his grip tightening on the door as he held it open just enough for his lanky body to be the only thing in the way. 

“I’m not moving until you tell me what’s wrong.” 

Gavin smacked his lips together and whirled around to aimlessly survey the yard, before he turned back to Connor. “This has nothing to do with you. I need to talk to Hank about my mother.” 

As soon as he mentioned his mom, Connor’s protective act cracked a little, just enough for Gavin to witness the flash across his features there on his usually innocent face. The flash of guilt. 

Gavin blinked, realization hitting him hard and swift like a fastball. His chest was suddenly heaving with betrayal. 

“You knew?” Gavin said quietly, forcefully, and Connor averted his knowing eyes. 

Connor was quiet for a moment before he said regretfully, “I had my suspicions.” Then, he glanced at Gavin, pleading with his eyes. “I didn’t know for sure, that’s why I never said anything. Until I found the ring… I didn’t want to start any trouble.” 

Gavin’s eyes were narrowed as he shook his head at Connor in disbelief. “But, you’ve known for months, and you still didn’t bother to tell me this shit.” 

“Because then— What did it matter? After the funeral, what was the point in saying anything when she was gone? I wasn’t going to tell you and hurt you even more than you already were when it didn’t even matter anymore.” 

Gavin scoffed softly to himself. “You fucking asshole…” he whispered, the knife twisting in his gut even further as he listened to Connor’s confession. 

“Gavin.” Connor took a step forward, and Gavin mirrored him, taking a step back. “I’m sorry,” he said, and Gavin could hear how thick his voice was getting, and he knew the other boy was close to being upset enough to cry. 

Gavin knew he was also on the verge of tears himself, but he was done with crying. He was angry now. He was angry at everyone and everyone who betrayed him. At Connor. 

Gavin blinked rapidly as he tried to keep his tears from coming out. He was done with it. He’d done enough crying for the summer. 

“Hank,” Gavin said again, dropping his hands to his waist. Gavin had come here for one thing and one thing only: the truth. “I gotta talk—” 

“Gavin, please, just calm—” 

The words themselves had the opposite reaction. 

Gavin snapped. 

His body fueled him, blindly drove him to act out on what he’d been dying to do since his father ambushed him in his bedroom that morning. He rushed forward and knocked Connor down into the threshold of the open door, straddling his waist as he got about two hard punches into Connor before he was suddenly being lifted off and roughly pushed away. He stumbled backward and tripped, landing on his ass, his elbows skidding against the concrete painfully, but he couldn’t take his eyes off Connor. 

The other boy was groaning and holding his hands to his face as he slowly tossed himself from side to side, bright lines of red trickling down his hands and chin where it dribbled down from his nose. Hank was kneeling down on one knee beside Connor now, cradling the other boy’s head between his big hands. It took a minute of Gavin watching the display through a blanketed haze before he realized Hank was looking at him and yelling at him. 

“… do you get off? Are you deaf, son? Answer me!” 

Gavin turned his fiery gaze on Hank as he pushed himself back up to his feet, standing tall before them. 

“Is it true?” Gavin said, trying to be hard, but he thought he could already hear a slight tremble in his own voice. “Were you … were you fucking my mom?” 

Fucking was such a dirty word associated with his mother, but it couldn’t have been anything else. It’s not like they were in love. That’s what marriage was for. 

Hank scrunched his eyebrows down in confusion before turning back to Connor. “Easy, Con, tilt your head forward. Come on,” he said gently, and carefully eased Connor until he was sitting and leaning his head forward like Hank directed. Blood only dropped more profusely at this, splattering down in droplets onto the concrete at their front door. 

“Tell me! Tell me it wasn’t your fault!” Gavin said, his voice strong, but as quickly as his anger had consumed him, he was suddenly tired after he yelled with the last ounce of rage he had left in him, and he let out the big breath that he’d been using to buff himself up. He was close to sounding defeated as the rage slowly swirled away from him, and all he was left with was immense guilt at the way he’d reacted, and a burning desire for the truth. “Please. Just tell me the truth.” 

Hank made sure Connor was settled with his head forward before he looked at Gavin again. There was no warmth in his gaze like Gavin had been used to seeing all these years. Hank was like a second dad to him, a nicer one who got along better with his mom and always asked Gavin what he preferred to do instead of telling him what they were going to do. But, the Hank staring at him right now was a direct result of Gavin’s actions right now, and it only made him feel worse. 

“You want the truth, kid?” Hank said, steel in his eyes. And, one thing Gavin knew about Hank was that he was honest. So, whatever Hank told him right now … as pissed as Gavin was about the situation, he knew he would believe him. 

“The honest to god truth is that I loved your mother,” Hank started, and his voice already started cracking with emotion. “It may have been wrong, but it sure as hell didn’t feel wrong when she cracked a smile at my bad jokes, or when she whizzed around my kitchen like she fucking owned it, whipping up better food than the poor scrap I’d make.” 

Gavin swore he wasn’t going to; he was tired of it. But, the tears slid down Gavin’s face without his permission as he listened to Hank talk so fondly about his mother that Gavin didn’t know how he ever could have doubted him. 

Hank gazed down at Connor and petted his hair once before turning back to Gavin. “She was extraordinary. Taking care of Connor as if he were her own, showing the boy what having a mother felt like. And, she was so damn smart. Smarter than I’d ever hoped to be. She used to talk about wanting to go back to school, but her… she never got the chance.” 

Gavin turned around to face the yard, unable to handle the sadness on Hank’s face, or the whimpering coming from Connor. It was all too much, and it was all his fault. 

How had it come to this? Hank and Connor were the only people Gavin had in his life that he cared about, and what did Gavin do? He fought one, he accused the other. He let his dad get in his head; and, that was the real trouble. 

When Gavin whirled around and gazed at them, he wondered if he could do something. Anything to just erase the last five minutes and just go back inside the house with Connor and take care of him for once. Clean up his cuts and bruises for once. 

But, as Hank’s eyes touched briefly on Gavin before looking away, as if he couldn’t stand to see him anymore, Gavin knew there was no quick fix for this. There was no laughing this off and skirting around a real apology. 

He’d fucked up, and it wasn’t okay for once. 

Gavin shoved his hands into his jean pockets as he took a step forward. “I… I’m—” And, why couldn’t he say it? After all this time and all this hardship and with how close they’d gotten? He still couldn’t say the simple word of apology that was so easy for Connor to say. It had been Connor’s first damn words to him, and yet here Gavin stood, struggling to return the favor. 

“Boy, I think it’s best if you just go on home,” Hank said without looking at Gavin as Hank slowly got to work with grabbing onto Connor’s arms to help him up. Connor winced and bit his lip to stifle the louder moans of pain, and once he was on his feet, he finally made eye contact with Gavin. 

Gavin was such a piece of shit. 

Connor’s eyes were bright and teary eyed, either from the pain of the hit or the emotional pain that Gavin was the cause of injuries Gavin had hurt other people for putting on him. His mouth looked horrible already with the dark coat of blood sticking around his puffy lips, the startling color standing out so starkly against his pale skin. He just looked terrible. 

Gavin thought he was on the verge of a panic attack as Hank started to guide Connor back into the house, and Gavin hurried to reach up with one hand to hold his palm flat over his heart, the way they used to do when they were kids and Gavin hadn’t meant to hurt Connor’s overly sensitive feelings. This was their secret language from the start, and even though they’d evolved, and Connor used his words with him now, they never forgot how they started. 

He waited for some sign or signal that Connor got the message, but what was left of his heart fell and crumbled away as Connor merely turned his head away without an acknowledgement and let Hank bring him inside. 

The sight of the door slowly closing behind the two of them stayed with Gavin long after he left that place. He didn’t know it as he walked away that day, but it would be the last time Connor spoke to him for years to come. 

~ ~ ~ 

The first day of high school came a few days later, and Gavin was as low as he had ever been in his entire life. He’d lost his mother. He’d lost the sanctuary he’d found at Hank’s house. But, perhaps the thing that haunted him most was the loss of Connor. Connor was still around, after all, a tangible thing Gavin could see, and every time he saw him was like another knife to the chest that got deeper and deeper until Gavin couldn’t bear going to school and seeing his best friend’s face as the other boy studiously ignored him. 

That first day back had been the hardest. It was when he’d realized that he really had fucked up, and he hadn’t known how to fix it. Connor was in his first class of the day, and when Connor had walked into class late like he always used to, Gavin sucked in a harsh breath at the other boy’s damaged face. His normally smooth, pale skin was marred by two big bruises that covered his cheek near his mouth and reached up to the side of his eye. His bottom lip was puffy, a red slit crossing the length of his cut top lip. 

It had been worse than what their middle school bullies used to do because they had never left such visible marks on Connor. It had mostly been emotional embarrassment instead of actual roughing up, but Gavin hated himself the minute he saw the marks on Connor. 

Connor’s eyes had inadvertently found Gavin’s as he searched for a seat, but before Gavin could make any kind of gesture to him, Connor had immediately looked away and sat in the open seat farthest from him. 

Any hope Gavin had been harboring that they could get past his inexcusable behavior vanished as quickly as the warmth faded from Connor’s eyes. 

His first year of high school sucked, but not in the same way his first year of middle school had sucked. That had sucked because Gavin couldn’t deal with being at the bottom of the food chain, and pushing Connor away had been draining. This year sucked because Connor was the one putting the distance between them, and he couldn’t stand it. This wasn’t how high school was supposed to be, but he knew he had no one to blame except himself. He had let himself listen to his dad, and he’d acted out impulsively on the wrong person. His luck had to run out sometime. 

Gavin found a slight, dull comfort in the new friends he’d made to fill the time. Kamski was as present as ever, as obnoxious as ever, and strangely, he was also a bit nicer to Gavin. Maybe it was because Kamski knew how much losing Connor meant to Gavin, or maybe it was because he was finally growing up, but Gavin appreciated when Kamski went out of his way to make sure Gavin was included with their new friends, made sure Gavin didn’t let himself become a loner. 

They weren’t the best bunch. They liked to drive out to the mall and lounge around as they snuck a purse from this store, slipped some chips in their bag from that store. And, then they’d meet up at the big park in town and smoke on the slide, blocking the path of the younger kids who just came to play. 

But, one good thing about them was they never asked Gavin any questions about himself. He was anonymous with them, and everyone preferred it that way. They weren’t looking to make lasting friendships, they were just looking for other lost souls to float up to fantasy world with. People who wouldn’t judge because they were no fucking better. It was an easy escape for Gavin. 

~ ~ ~ 

That first year passed by in a drug laced haze, and Gavin had no fucking regrets. It made seeing Connor every day easier, made it so that Gavin didn’t seek out those bright brown eyes every morning he went into class. He finally got to the point where if he saw that familiar flop of brown hair in the halls, he didn’t feel a damn thing. 

The year ended quickly, and summer was a bit of a relief. He didn’t have to pretend anymore. He could hole up in his room and cry into his pillow if he wanted to. And, he did. He spent the first few weeks sulking in his room as he texted Kamski some mindless meme compilations. 

Eventually, after the tenth consecutive video he sent to Kamski, the other boy asked him if he was okay. Gavin knew he shouldn’t have sent that last video because ten videos in one hour pretty much signaled to Kamski that Gavin had no life nowadays. 

So, Kamski told him to meet him at the park that day, the big one by Gavin’s house, and he reluctantly agreed. Anything to get away from his dad brooding in the living room to some weird 70s slow rock music. 

They hung out on the castle, still on their phones, but Kamski said it was better for their health that they were outside, at least, and around other people. It was whatever to Gavin. 

Gavin’s eyes started to wander after a while, and when his eyes landed on the carved initials that were etched into the wood over top of the slide, Gavin’s heart flipped. 

He crawled forward and let his fingers run over the CA and the GR carved into the wood, memories he didn’t want to think about floating to the surface of his mind. 

“Whatever happened to you two?” Kamski said, and Gavin sniffed before he dropped his hand and slid away from the slide. “You used to be glued at the hip. No one could tear you away from that quiet kid.” 

“He’s mute,” Gavin said, the muscles flexing in his hand anxiously. He hadn’t talked about Connor in almost a year, and he hadn’t realized just how painful it was going to be. 

“Selectively,” Kamski said, resting his phone down into his lap as he focused on Gavin. “He sure opened those pretty pink lips up to you.” 

Gavin’s gaze shot over to Kamski heatedly. “The fuck do you mean by that?” 

Kamski held his hands up in surrender, but there was a hint of a smile on his lips. “I only meant that the kid was pretty talkative to you. You were the only one he ever opened up to from what I’ve seen of him over the years.” 

Gavin scoffed to himself. He sincerely doubted that that was what Kamski meant. 

“Yeah, well. We all grow apart from our childhood friends at some point.” 

Gavin tried to focus on the video he was watching on his phone, but the meaningless images flew by without Gavin ever really taking notice. 

“That’s not entirely true. Look at us. We’ve been friends since we were practically in diapers, and yet here we are.” 

“I wouldn’t call us friends, Kamski. We spend more time getting on each other’s nerves to ever really be friends. We’re just too much alike to quit each other now.” 

“Ouch,” Kamski said, pressing a hand to his chest in mock hurt. “You wound me with your truths.” Gavin rolled his eyes. “You may be right. But, I know Connor was something special to you. A friend who was more like family. I think it’s kind of sad that you guys aren’t friends anymore.” 

Gavin snorted, smirking at his phone. “Right. And, why would you even care enough who I’m friends with to call that sad?” 

Kamski was quiet, and Gavin finally looked up from his phone to see the other boy staring down at his blank phone with slanted eyebrows. “Believe it or not, Gavin, I actually do care about you. I know we have a funny way of showing it, but it’s true. And, I know Connor was your best friend for years, and after your mom… well, I worried for you, but I didn’t worry as much because I knew Connor would be there to be the friend you needed. The friend I couldn’t be.” 

Gavin was a little stunned to hear Kamski speaking so honestly. Gavin didn’t even feel the need to make a joke to get away from the seriousness of the situation because he wanted to hear what Kamski had to say. 

“But, then we came back to school, and Connor had a fucked up face, and you had no one by your side. I don’t know what went down with you two over the summer, but don’t let him go. Don’t let yourself give up your chance at happiness just because you’re too stubborn to man up and right your wrongs.” 

Gavin’s throat felt tight, but he was pretty good at keeping his tears at bay nowadays. He hadn’t cried in front of someone else since that day at Connor’s doorstep. 

“Happiness?” Gavin said, slightly confused. “What do you mean by that?” 

Kamski merely squinted at him as his curious gaze roved over Gavin’s entire face. “I think you know what I mean.” 

Gavin couldn’t keep the blush from his face. 

~ ~ ~ 

The rest of summer went by, and he found that hanging out with Kamski wasn’t so bad. Not when the other boy was actively trying not to be a pretentious dick all the time. They went back to a similar routine they used to have when they were younger: Gavin would wake up, make himself some cereal, tell his dad he was heading to the park to meet up with Kamski—to which his father actually consented to—then, he and Kamski would chill around the park all day until the night forced Kamski back home. 

It wasn’t as great as the past few summers had been, and he sometimes wondered what Connor was doing during the summer. 

~ ~ ~ 

Tenth grade started up, and Gavin was all bundled nerves on the first day. He hadn’t seen his old friend in three long, aching months, and Gavin wouldn’t tell anyone that he dressed extra nice that first day just to see if he could get a reaction from the selectively mute boy, but that was his business if it was. 

In his third class of the day, he found him, and damn did Connor really change over this summer. His face finally began to take shape beneath that baby fat on his cheeks. His jaw line was actually showing, the soft curves framing his face in a way Gavin would remember when he was alone in his room at night. His hair was as floppy as ever, but if he wasn’t mistaken, it looked a bit like a styled mess. Like Connor had swept it all to the side in a neat mess. 

Connor was absolutely breathtaking in all his almost sixteen year old glory, and Gavin couldn’t help a soft, wistful sigh as he watched Connor walk into class late. Gavin straightened up in his seat and tried to smooth his hair back and out of his face, wishing for just a glimpse of those brown eyes. 

It never came. 

They had two more classes together later in the day, and Connor didn’t look his way once. It was like he’d never even known Gavin and just wanted to get through school without hitting anyone’s radar. 

It was like he’d completely forgotten about Gavin. 

When Gavin got home that evening, he tore off his nice button up and traded it in for his usual band shirt and cried himself to sleep. 

Ninth grade had been the hardest with the abrupt dissolving of his friendship, but tenth grade was definitely the darkest. 

Gavin became numb to everyone around him. He didn’t bother hanging out with those kids he used to roll with last year, and besides Kamski, no one really bothered to get to know Gavin. He became the loner he tried hard not to become last year, and it was a lonely year. 

Connor hadn’t looked Gavin’s way once, and that was wearing on Gavin. He missed Connor, damn it. He missed hearing the sound of his voice, something special because only he was privy to its innocent sound, its bright vibrancy. He missed being the reason Connor got that concerned look in his eyes because that showed Gavin that Connor had actually cared about him. The only person who showed Gavin any kind of attention these days was Kamski. 

Kamski had been right, though. He wasn’t the type of friend Gavin needed in his life when things were terrible and dark because, just like Gavin, Kamski was actually shit at providing the nurturing comfort friends usually provided; that Connor was actually good at. Kamski tried in his own way by making sure he got Gavin outside around people, and by sending him those dumb videos that can still make him laugh sometimes. Kamski tried, and while it wasn’t what Gavin truly wanted, it was the best he would get. 

The school year trudged on, and there was one time Gavin had managed to make eye contact with Connor. It was fleeting, a mere five seconds where everything in Gavin’s world had halted, and he felt like he was holding his breath. 

He was in the bathroom with Kamski, a rolled up joint passing between their hands as Gavin laughed at yet another meme on his phone, when the door opened and Connor walked in. 

The smile froze on Gavin’s face, the laugh halted in his throat, and Connor hesitated for the briefest moment. He gazed at Gavin finally, and Gavin didn’t know what to do. Should he smile at him? Should he look sorry? Should he say sorry? 

But, Connor recovered faster than Gavin and pushed his way back out the door, the tiny flicker of hope that Gavin hadn’t known had budded in his chest flickering out the second the door closed. 

Gavin blinked rapidly at the space where Connor had been, the frightened and skeptical look in Connor’s eyes haunting him, and Kamski only patted him on the back meaningfully and passed him the joint. 

Connor had looked frightened. He’d never been scared of Gavin. He was the only person who had never felt threatened by Gavin, even when he used to bully the other kids in elementary school. Now it was the only look Gavin could garner in Connor. 

The loss hadn’t hit him so bad than it did right then. It left a cold feeling in Gavin, a feeling like a hole was permanently etched into his heart and would never close. It would be a black hole that would only suck everything from Gavin until there was nothing left. 

The school year ended with not another glance or interaction from Connor.  

~ ~ ~ 

The beginning of summer vacation marked the two year anniversary of his mother’s death. Gavin hadn’t visited his mother’s grave since the funeral, and he was a little hesitant about going today. But, Gavin really needed his mom right now, so that was how he found himself going through the front gates that led to the cemetery on a cloudy Sunday morning. 

He was alone as he walked through the sullen, dreary grounds of the dead. His dad didn’t want to come with him, some bullshit excuse about needing to be in the office today. It was Sunday; there was no work for his dad on weekends. 

He didn’t know what his dad did on the weekends, and he didn’t want to think about it, but he sometimes came home smelling like cheap cologne and alcohol. 

It was really creepy to be walking along the empty grounds alone, and he suddenly wished he’d asked Kamski to come with him. Gavin would have left him by the gate, anyway, but at least he wouldn’t have felt as alone as he did when he finally made the stretch that curved around to where his mother’s grave plot sat. 

As it turned out, he wasn’t alone. 

There was already someone sitting down in front of his mother’s grave, and his heart started to beat a thousand times faster in his chest as he recognized that floppy brown hair. 

Connor was here. Connor was here. He was less than fifty feet away from him, and this was the first time he’d been so close to the other boy outside of school in nearly two years. 

His mind was a mess of jumbled wants and conflicting needs, his desire to talk to his friend again warring with Connor’s need for space. 

But, Gavin was never any good at denying himself what he wanted. 

He walked faster, not wanting to startle the other boy, but unable to put this off any longer. This was long overdue, and Gavin wasn’t going to let this opportunity slip him by. 

The sound of his footsteps hitting the wet pavement finally reached Connor’s ears because his head abruptly shot up to glance in Gavin’s direction. He slowed his speed walk as Connor scrambled to his feet, flustered as he tried to ignore Gavin yet again and instead focus on his mom’s grave. 

Gavin took it as a small miracle when Connor didn’t immediately take off running as Gavin took up the spot beside him. They were standing shoulder to shoulder as they faced the headstone, a huge space between them that offended Gavin because the last time they’d been standing shoulder to shoulder in front of this grave, Gavin had reached out and taken Connor’s willing hand into his own. 

The awkwardness was beginning to eat at Gavin, and he reacted as he always did in these kind of situations. 

“Funny seeing you here,” he said, a pathetic laugh escaping with the words. The immediate silence that followed was even worse than before, and Gavin shook his head to himself, not wanting to treat this moment as anything other than what it was. 

He turned to face Connor fully, noting the way Connor was still growing before his very eyes. His hair was a bit shorter now, and he could only guess that Connor had gotten that haircut he’d always mentioned he should get. It wasn’t much shorter, just more shapely and framing his face in a way that showed off the soft curves of his face. 

He was still growing at a faster rate than Gavin, and Gavin still had to gaze higher to glance at Connor. His face was more serious, his thin lips in a straight line and his bright eyes forlorn. 

Gavin wished he could erase this person that he almost didn’t recognize and bring back that happy kid who would have slung his arm around Gavin’s shoulder when he was feeling down. 

Connor still hadn’t taken his gaze off the headstone even though Gavin knew Connor could feel his eyes. Why was everything, even the smallest of actions, so incredibly difficult to do now when it had once been as easy as breathing? 

“Will you look at me?” Gavin started. Connor swallowed but still acted as if he hadn’t heard him. The urge to roll his eyes and smack his lips was fucking strong, but he knew it wasn’t the way. 

“Connor, please,” he tried again, his voice shaky and trembling, the thought that Connor could very well ignore Gavin and straight up walk away without so much as a glance in his direction making him anxious, desperate. 

For whatever reason, though, luck was on his side. Connor gazed down at the ground momentarily before he took a deep breath and turned to Gavin, his wide eyes glassy and questioning. 

“Connor,” Gavin said again, gasping at the simple fact that Connor had answered him for the first time in nearly two years. Now was the time. Now maybe he could try and mend things. “I miss you,” he started. Fuck it. He was already out here having lost everything he held dear. He had nothing to lose by acting like a pathetic punk bitch in asking for the forgiveness of the boy who had once been his best friend. 

Connor didn’t react too much other than a slight furrow of the eyebrows, and it should have discouraged Gavin, but he was too desperate to care. 

“You have no idea how much I miss your stupid fucking funny faces, and the way you always get on my case about when I’m on a mean streak.” 

Memories of their childhood were flowing through Gavin as he tried to remember everything about Connor, and soon he realized that his vision was getting blurrier with each blink. 

Connor still hadn’t said anything, and Gavin was so fucking close to losing it. He needed to hear that soft, comforting voice of his, he just had to. 

“Will you say something? Anything?” 

Because he’d even take a simple “fuck off” just to hear that voice that was starting to fade from his memory. 

The silence was so slowly driving him mad, and before he could stop himself, he clutched onto Connor’s shirt, fisting the fabric at his chest into his hands as he searched Connor’s eyes for any sign that he still cared. 

What he found instead was the frightened look he’d seen in him that day in the bathroom, the look of disbelief he’d had the day Gavin foolishly decided to punch him in the face. 

“Stop looking at me like that,” Gavin said harshly, but it was anger he had directed at himself. He was the reason Connor was scared of him now, and he hated himself for putting that look there. “Stop looking so scared. You know I’d never…” 

Never what? Never hurt him? But, that was a lie, wasn’t it? He’d done the one thing he’d promised himself that he’d never do. Gavin was just full of broken promises. A broken boy with broken promises. Seemed fitting. 

“Please, Con, I didn’t mean to. You know I’d never do that if I was thinking straight. Please, just talk to me.” 

Let him talk. That was what his mother had always told him to do. Gavin had thought before that she’d always said that as a way to punish Gavin. Because if he let Connor talk about how he felt then it would just hurt Gavin, and that was the punishment, right? 

But, he’d been wrong. His mother hadn’t been trying to punish him; she’d been trying to save him. Because time and time again, he and Connor had gotten into little petty arguments, and he’d always listened to his mother’s advice and let Connor talk through his feelings. They had always made up and moved on. 

The one time he cut Connor off and didn’t let him talk was the same day he’d punched him. The same day he’d lost his friendship with the only person who could actually put up with Gavin’s annoying ass. 

If only he could have remembered his mother’s words that day instead of his father’s, then maybe he wouldn’t be here in this situation today. 

He hadn’t realized it but his face was pressed into Connor’s chest of his own volition as he cried pathetically into the other boy’s shirt. He only noticed once Connor gently pushed against Gavin’s shoulders and removed himself from Gavin’s grip. 

Gavin tried to sniffle his tears away as he wiped an arm across his eyes roughly. Connor was wiping at his shirt where it was wrinkled by Gavin’s tight grip and his tears, but he didn’t look like he cared as he dropped his hands to his side once more. 

Gavin felt incredibly stupid now as reality set in. What gave him the right to be vulnerable and cry in front of Connor? They weren’t even friends anymore. 

They weren’t friends. 

They weren’t friends anymore, so Connor didn’t have to put up with him anymore. And, judging by the way Connor was gazing at Gavin with something like pity in his eyes, he didn’t think Connor wanted to put up with him anymore. 

The feeling of embarrassment struck him even harder as Connor started to walk past Gavin and away from him. 

Gavin whirled around after a dumbstruck second, and his voice was low and raw as he spoke. “That’s it, then? After all the shit we’ve been through… You’re never gonna speak to me again?” 

Connor stopped for a brief second, the muscles in his back and shoulders tensing enough to where Gavin actually thought he was going to say something to him. 

But, Gavin was a fucking idiot. A hopeful, stupid idiot, because Connor eventually kept on walking until he was out of sight around the curve of the pavement. 

Gavin wasn’t even mad. He wasn’t sad. He wasn’t … anything. 

If he had any more tears left to spare, he would have cried some more. How sad that he realized his friendship with Connor was dead while they were in a fucking cemetery? 

Gavin flopped down to his knees and crawled to the edge of his mother’s grave, his heart squeezing. 

“Why aren’t you here with me, Mom?” he said morosely to the wind, skimming his palms along the blades of grass that housed his mother. “I need you. I need you to hold me and tell me everything’s okay because shit’s not okay. I lost everyone; I lost you, I lost my second home, I lost Con—” He paused, collecting himself. “You’d know what to do. You knew everything.” 

He closed his eyes as he tried to reach his mind out, tried to feel her energy. Any little piece of her to tell him that she could hear him. 

It was probably a stupid thing to do, but he was past the point of caring. There was no one left. 

A sharp wind gusted through the air, and Gavin’s spine tingled as it whipped through his hair, sliding through the tufts of hair at the base of his neck like fingers gliding through it soothingly. 

A soft smile graced his lips, the first one he could remember doing in a long damn time. 

“Thanks,” he mumbled, deciding to believe that his mother was there with him. 

~ ~ ~ 

This summer was probably one of the saddest summers he’d ever had. He didn’t go out much, opting to stay in his room and jerk off to porn and laugh at meme compilations all day long. His father was hardly around, but Gavin liked it that way. It practically felt like he lived alone, and free reign of the house made him feel like an adult. 

Kamski had texted him a few times, but Gavin always swiped the message away, trying to ignore the slight twinge he felt as he did so. There was plenty of time for Kamski in school; he wasn’t in the mood to be putting on fake happiness just so Kamski wouldn’t have to worry about him. 

~ ~ ~ 

Eleventh grade started, and his father had mentioned to him how Gavin should get out more this year. Make some new friends he could hang out with after school and maybe he’d lose that “incredibly fucked up grimace” as his dad had said. Gavin probably would have listened to his dad’s advice, but he was trying to make it a habit to write his dad’s words off as nonsense, so he reluctantly agreed to his face, and blatantly ignored him while he was at school. 

There was no one who wanted to bother with Gavin, anyway. It’s not like he had much of a reputation anymore besides that first year of high school when some kids only knew him as “that one kid who got high and always had gum on him.” He did love his gum, so much so that when people asked him for a piece, he always told them to fuck off and buy their own. 

He wasn’t exactly a bully, but he wasn’t nice, and people knew this. High school wasn’t like how it was in the movies. There were no cliques of mean girls who harassed the quiet kids or heavy jocks who cornered nerds in the bathroom. Everyone was too busy worrying about theirselves to truly notice what was happening around them, and if someone had a bad attitude, then they left them alone. So, Gavin slid through high school quietly and alone, just the way he preferred. 

He’d noticed that Connor kept a similar profile. He still didn’t talk in school, so his being selectively mute pretty much ensured that no one would talk to him because these people in school didn’t like to try any more than they had to, and who wanted to spend all their time trying to decipher Connor’s unspoken language? 

Not many people. In fact, Gavin only ever saw one person hang around with Connor, and that was that kid Markus from middle school. Not only that, but at the start of eleventh grade, Gavin had noticed that Connor had upgraded and was whispering to Markus. 

Gavin pretended that he wasn’t jealous at that, that Connor hadn’t unknowingly jabbed a knife into Gavin’s back. 

Gavin’s 17th birthday went by, and birthdays were just another day to him now. His mother had always made them special by throwing big parties for him when he was younger and inviting everyone in class. Then, when he got older, she’d thrown something smaller because Gavin hadn’t wanted anyone coming except for Connor and maybe Kamski a few times. 

His dad didn’t know how to coordinate birthday parties, so for the last few years the only things Gavin had gotten was a store bought cake and a few presents. 

This year, his dad bought him a keychain to go along with the new car his dad had bought for him a few months back when he got his drivers license. It was a sweet ride, and it was a hell of a lot better than walking to school every morning. 

The keychain was small and more fitting to a child, but his dad seemed to forget that Gavin had grown out of his favorite childhood characters. As he ran his thumb across the Batman and Robin image inside the keychain, though, he had to bite his lip to keep the rush of emotions at bay. He thanked his dad, and his dad would never know just how much he loved this misplaced gift. 

The thing about his birthday was that his favorite holiday was right around the corner. Halloween came fast, and when Gavin woke up that morning, the whole world seemed brighter for some reason. He sat up in his bed and just relished the way the sun filtered into him through the cracks of the blinds, enjoying the warmth that enveloped him. 

He could feel it all the way down in his bones that today was going to be a good day. 

He drove himself and Kamski to school because Kamski didn’t have his own car yet, and while he always said he liked being alone, he also liked not being the only one in the car. 

The day started like any other, but Gavin found himself enjoying the day for once. He and Kamski ate lunch together like always, and when they thought the lunch aides were all occupied, they gazed mischievously at each other before they slid ski masks onto their faces and jumped up from the table. With a can of silly spray in each of their hands, they ran through the tables of the cafeteria and squeezed orange and black silly string above everyone’s heads, a chorus of excited screams filtering throughout the cafeteria as Gavin and Kamski met back up at the entrance to the cafeteria and ran down the hall. 

They laughed to themselves as they reached a break in the corridor to which Kamski told them to split. Gavin ran the opposite way as him and headed for the bathroom down by the gym. 

He ran inside and locked himself in a stall as he laughed to himself, sliding the mask off and into the trash can. He hadn’t had so much fun in years, and he wondered why he closed himself off. Life was shitty to him, sure, but Halloween was the best day of the year. Why not become a different person for the day? 

The sound of the door opening had Gavin holding his breath quickly and he picked his feet up off the ground, hoping the teachers hadn’t found him. 

“My fucking hair got ruined! I hope the security cameras caught whoever did that because it took me an hour to fix my hair up like this for tonight. Now I have to spend another hour after school fixing it for the Halloween party.” 

Gavin’s eyes narrowed as he listened to the girl complain about her hair. Then, he blinked. Girl? 

He gazed around him and took in the pale pink of the walls, the cleanliness of the toilet he was sitting on, the trash can beside him that was specifically designed for women’s products. 

He was in the girls bathroom. 

Gavin almost giggled but he smacked a hand across his mouth to keep himself from being spotted. This girl was obviously not a fan of what Gavin and Kamski just did and would do him no favors in keeping quiet about him hiding in the girls bathroom. 

“These boys are so immature, I swear. Hold still,” another girl said, and Gavin maneuvered himself just enough to see through the crack in the stall door. 

He recognized one of the girls from band class. She didn’t play an instrument, but she did wave the batons into the air while wearing those cute, tight sparkling outfits that looked like something the cheerleaders wore. He didn’t know her name, but he thought it was something like— 

“Shit, Maria, that stuff is totally stuck into the strands.” 

Right. Maria. 

Maria whined and pouted as she straightened and frowned at herself in the mirror. She pulled a hair tie from around her wrist and wrapped her curly blonde hair up in a ponytail. 

“That looks so much better. It almost looks like you have orange highlights.” 

Maria pulled a face at her friend through the mirror. “Yeah, whatever. I have to look my best tonight. After all, I’ve got a date with Mr. Mute himself.” 

Now, Gavin was the one frowning as he listened. 

“What are you talking about? Are you talking about that quiet kid who hangs around with Markus? What the hell! When did that happen?” 

Maria sucked on her tongue as she tried to push down the strands of colored hair. “Yesterday. I asked him if he wanted to go to Josh’s Halloween party with me and can you believe he actually agreed? I mean, he nodded, but it was still a yes.” 

“Why would you do that, though? I thought you liked Josh? Why would you invite another boy to his Halloween party?” 

Maria sighed and whirled around to face her friend, and Gavin could only see her back in the reflection of the mirror now. 

“That’s the thing. If I show up with another boy, one as cute and fine as Connor, then I’m hoping to make Josh jealous enough to finally realize what he’s missing.” 

Maria’s friend scoffed. “But, why Connor? There are hotter guys, more normal ones.” 

Gavin could feel his jaw clenching. That girl sounded pretty fucking stupid. 

“Maybe, but I figured Connor would be a quiet date, and I wouldn’t have to listen to a guy ramble on about shit that I don’t care about. Besides, I think Connor is gay, so I know he won’t get attached to me. He probably only agreed just to be nice since we have to be in band class together.” 

No, Gavin was wrong. Maria sounded pretty fucking stupid. 

“That is so mean,” her friend said, but he could hear the smile in her voice. “And, what are you gonna do if Josh does fall into your little trap? Just ditch that poor boy?” 

“It’s not ditching if I make something up. I’ll just tell him that I forgot that I promised my friends that I would leave with them or something. It’ll work out.” 

Maria and her friend giggled to themselves as they headed out the door, and as soon as the door shut, Gavin let his feet fall to the floor as he jumped up. 

He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to tell Connor that some chick planned on using him tonight, but what was he supposed to say to someone who had left him crying alone in the cemetery? He couldn’t be bothered answering him then, so why should Gavin help him out now? 

He left the bathroom when the bell for class rang, and he headed to class with his head down and his mind whirling. 

As angry as he was at being left that day, he still couldn’t be mad at Connor. Gavin started this mess with his brashness, and he couldn’t fault Connor for finally getting tired of him. If someone had fucked Gavin’s face up for no reason, he sure as shit would have retaliated. 

But, Connor wasn’t a fighter. He never had been. Still, he thought Connor’s punches would have been easier to take than the silence he’d fought back with. It was just a thousand times worse to be ignored than to be hit on. 

Maybe Gavin could have Kamski tell him. He would do it for him, but he didn’t think Connor would believe anything coming out of Kamski’s big mouth. Or, maybe Gavin could go to Markus since that seemed to be his new bff. Yeah, he’d probably do that. 

That was the plan, but by the end of the day, he hadn’t run into Markus once, and he realized too late that Markus was absent from school today. Go figure. 

The only clear course of action became clear to him by the time he reached his last class. It was calculus, and Connor sat all the way in the front near the teacher’s desk like he always did. It was easier to communicate with the teacher that way. 

Gavin sat two seats behind Connor, and while he sat there and stared at the mole on Connor’s neck throughout class, trying to come up with the right words, he finally did it. 

Shooting a quick glance to the teacher, he found her preoccupied with another student. He took this chance to grab his pencil up and walk to the front of the room where the electric pencil sharpener sat on a desk by the door. He pushed the pencil into the sharpener and subtly gazed at Connor. 

The other boy was intensely focused on the worksheet they’d been given, and Gavin’s heart stuttered a little at the look of intensity on his face. His tongue was poking out on the side, and Gavin remembered when they were little and that was the only way they could communicate. How he could always tell when Connor was really focused by the way his tongue poked out and his eyebrows slanted. 

Gavin had been afraid that he’d forgotten Connor’s little quirks, but maybe he hadn’t. Maybe it was all still there buried deep in his mind. 

“Gavin, I think your pencil is sharp enough,” his teacher said loudly, and Gavin swiveled his head down to his pencil. He huffed a laugh as he pulled out the tiniest pencil he’d ever owned, about the length of his thumb. He hadn’t even realized that he’d sharpened it all the way down to the eraser part. 

He held the pitiful pencil out for her to see. “Had to be sure,” he said with a smirk, and a few of the kids who’d been paying attention to them laughed as they saw his two inch pencil. 

As the teacher sighed and went back to the student before her, Gavin’s eyes trailed down to Connor and he was startled to see him already gazing at him. Before he could look away, when Gavin passed by his desk, he dropped down low enough to whisper at him so no one else could hear. 

“I know you don’t wanna talk to me, but just listen,” he said, and Connor stiffened and leaned away a little. Gavin’s chest squeezed painfully, but he trudged on. Connor deserved to know. “Don’t go tonight. That blonde bitch is just using you.” 

Gavin suddenly reeled back with the ferocity of Connor’s swift head swivel. His eyes were heated and narrowed as he faced Gavin down, and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t stunned right now and maybe a little turned on. But, there was still that little voice in the back of his head that told him that he deserved Connor’s anger, and more. 

And, of course, Gavin could hear Connor’s silent message loud and clear. 

You jackass. 

Gavin shook his head minutely, unperturbed. “I’m not lying or trying to be mean. I just wanted to help you.” 

The heat in Connor’s bright eyes didn’t lessen, but Gavin did all he could. He went back to his seat and hoped Connor would believe him. 

After school, he and Kamski headed down to the mall to where Kamski worked. He had a part time job at one of the shoe stores in the mall, and tonight, Gavin had volunteered to help pass out candy with him. There was always a shit ton of kids who went screaming through the mall in their costumes as they went from store to store, grabbing up candy from the stores that had someone passing out candy for the little ones. 

He loved the holiday, and since he was too old to go around in his Batman cape and suit, passing out candy to kids who were in Batman costumes and all different other kinds of characters, it was kind of like the next best thing. 

As he stood at the front of the store and tossed candy into little Spongebob’s basket, and then to Wonder Woman’s basket, Gavin couldn’t help but wonder what Connor was doing. 

The night wore on, and Gavin was sucking on a lollipop he’d taken from the candy bucket as he sat criss cross on the linoleum tiles of the mall floor right at the edge of the shoe store. 

Kamski came over to him and smacked him in the back of the head as he dropped down beside him. It was late, and closing time was early tonight for Halloween, so hardly anyone was still walking around. 

“That candy was for the kids, jerk off,” Kamski said. 

Gavin shot a glare at Kamski before he dropped the act and shrugged. “I’m 17, I’m still considered a youth in this country.” 

Kamski snorted. “Oh, yeah? Why don’t you pull out the old Batman suit and run around and see what kind of reactions you get. I don’t think anyone will be calling you a youth when you look like a fucking dumbass who wants to be a kid forever.” 

Gavin laughed and tossed a snickers at Kamski’s face. “Fuck off. Just because you’ve got the face of a 30 year old man doesn’t mean I—” 

Gavin’s thigh buzzed as his phone went off, and he huffed at Kamski before he tore out his phone from his front pocket and clicked his screen to life. 

Robin (2) Messages 

Fuck. It was him. 

Hastily, Gavin slid the bar on his phone and opened the message. 

Hi 

Are you busy? 

Shit, shit, shit. What should he say? Wait, what was he thinking? Of course, he knew what to say. 

No. Y? 

He typed the message and his finger hovered over the send button before he decided fuck it. 

He stared at his message in the little green bubble, reading the two words over and over and over. Why did he say why? What if that was mean? What if Connor read it and thought Gavin was being sassy and decided not to text back? 

“Who the fuck was that? You look like an overexcited monkey,” Kamski said, and Gavin gazed up at him, too dumbstruck to even tone his shocked face down. 

“It was Robin.” Gavin blinked and shook his head. “I mean, Connor. He texted me.” 

Kamski’s eyebrows raised high. “No shit? I didn’t know you two kissed and made up.” 

“We didn’t,” Gavin said, then smacked his lips as Kamski’s words registered fully. “Hey!” He punched Kamski in the arm, who merely laughed. 

“Relax, will ya? You know I’m all for Team Connor.” 

The high-pitched ting of a message had Gavin scrambling to unlock his phone. 

Can you pick me up? 

The first feeling to flow through him was elation because Connor wanted to see him! He wanted to meet up in person, and of fucking course Gavin could pick him up. Even if he had been busy with something, Gavin knew he would have dropped whatever he was doing and drove all night long to get to Connor. 

Yeah. Where r u? 

“He wants me to pick him up,” Gavin said, and as Kamski drew in a breath, Gavin cut him off. “I swear to fuck, if you make some sex joke, I will shove this lollipop so far down your throat—” 

“Down, down, tiger,” Kamski said, his hands raised placatingly and a humored smile on his face. “I was just going to say how awesome this was. How long have you been waiting for a moment like this? Maybe the kid is finally ready to hear you out.” 

How long had he been waiting? 

Too damn long. 

His phone pinged again and the screen hadn’t even had time to darken the reply was so quick. 

Josh’s house. 

Shit. 

How could Gavin forget the party? The party he’d warned Connor against going to with that dumb band chick. 

His chest got hot with anger, fear, a wave of protectiveness falling over him at the thought that something must have happened if Connor was texting him to come and get him. 

He punched the letters in the keyboard of his phone fast, quick, and rough. 

I’ll be there in 10 

The reply was immediate. 

Thank you. 

Gavin half smiled at the message, then he threw the candy bowl into Kamski’s lap and shot up to his feet. 

“Are you good if I leave?” 

Kamski scoffed as he relaxed back on his hands. “Oh, yeah, suuure, I’ll just walk home tonight. The fifteen miles it takes back to my street—” 

Gavin smacked his lips. “Seriously? Dude, just take a Lyft. Or, there’s also these things called buses? You’re not stranded on an island.” 

Gavin knew Kamski could find another way home, but he couldn’t help but feel a little bad that he was ditching him. 

He thought Kamski could tell, because he studied Gavin’s anxious face before he got serious. “No, I’ll be fine. I’ll just get one of the guys cleaning up in the back to give me a ride. My coworkers aren’t so bad, and they’ve given me rides before. Just go, don’t worry about me.” 

“Are you sure?” Gavin said, but he was already slowly walking backward. 

Kamski smirked at him, looking too knowing, like he knew all of Gavin’s secrets and kept them to himself. “Go get your boy, Gavin.” 

It was on the tip of his tongue to call him out again, because why did he always refer to Connor as if he were something more than Gavin’s friend? 

But, maybe Kamski did know. Maybe he did know that there was a special place in Gavin’s shattered heart for Connor, and he just wanted to remind Gavin of this fact from time to time. 

Maybe Kamski wasn’t so bad. 

“Thanks,” Gavin said, stopping his slow trek away for a second to show Kamski that he really meant what he was saying. “Thanks for… Just thanks.” 

He hoped Kamski could read between Gavin’s half sentences to the truth. That he was thanking him for being there for him when he had no one else, how he was thanking him for not letting him get sucked into an abyss after his mom and Connor, thanking him for understanding just how much Gavin needed Connor. 

Kamski only nodded at him and dug his hand into the candy bowl aimlessly, almost shyly, and Gavin knew Kamski understood. 

The distance to his car was minimal as he sprinted through the mall and out to the parking lot, fumbling with the keys in his sweaty hands as he struggled to open the door. He finally managed, and before he knew it , he was on the road and heading down a couple miles toward Josh’s house. 

Josh was one of those sneaky, preppy types: the ones who were golden students on paper and in front of the teachers and other students. But, when no one was looking, he got up to some pretty dark stuff with the “degenerates” of school. Nothing hardcore, but Gavin thought smoking pot behind the dumpsters at the mall wouldn’t exactly win him any favors with the faculty who adored on him. 

Gavin’s hands were tapping the steering wheel anxiously as he rounded the corner that led to Josh’s house. He hoped nothing too bad had happened to Connor because he couldn’t promise himself that he could refrain from starting a fight right there in the middle of the party. 

The mega lights shining down and around the huge house filtered down to Gavin from all the way down the street. This was a wealthy neighborhood, and Gavin watched as all the little kids still ran about, buckets of candy sloshing in their buckets. 

As he pulled up to the gigantic house, the bright orange lights stuck into the lawn shone up on the house, putting it on a bright display. The whole house was decorated with Halloween knick knacks, some ghosts flying down from the windows, some skeletons standing in the yard, and a shit ton of webs wove through the exterior of the house, making the whole thing look trapped in a spider’s web. It was pretty fucking cool, and if Gavin had felt like drinking himself away into oblivion tonight and probably making out with some of the stoner chicks he saw checking him out sometimes, he would have already been in there wasting his night away. 

But, then Kamski had to work tonight, and he’d complained that he didn’t want to be alone on Halloween, so Gavin had joined him in passing out candy at the shoe store. After Kamski’s shift, they’d just planned on walking around their neighborhood and conning a little bit of candy out of the younger kids walking around without their parents. 

Connor texting him had changed the entire narrative of the night, though. 

Gavin hopped out of his car and shoved his hands into his pockets as he apprehensively walked up the creepily decorated walkway up to the bottom of the stairs that led to the front door. Other teens were falling around the front yard, already drunk off their asses. Some of them were in costume, though not the cool, creepy kind. More like the buff and sexy kind that showed off muscles and legs. 

Gavin pulled his phone out as he leaned against the stair railing and checked his phone, wondering if he should text Connor that he was here and where he was at, but someone tapped his shoulder then, and he already knew it was him because of the tingle that ran through his body at the simple touch. 

He whirled around and just took a minute to take the other boy in. Connor was standing there with his arms wrapped around himself looking so scared, his eyes wide and vulnerable, and Gavin remembered how nervous the other boy used to get around crowds when he had no one with him.  

The urge to just wrap an arm around him was too strong, but he didn’t know if Connor would appreciate the gesture, so he refrained. His hands clenched and unclenched into fists as he physically tried to stop himself from reaching out. 

The bass from the music was booming, and Gavin had to shout to be heard over the noise of the music and the chatter of teens. 

“Are you okay?” 

Connor gulped and looked out beyond Gavin to the street, toward his car. 

Gavin said, “You wanna go?” 

Connor nodded this time and started for the car. Gavin followed and was a little surprised when Connor went straight to the passenger side of Gavin’s car because he didn’t know the other boy even knew which one was Gavin’s car. Maybe Connor hadn’t been as oblivious to Gavin as he’d originally thought. 

His chest squeezed at the thought that Connor had actually been watching him. Not in the creepy way, but in the way someone paid attention to someone who they didn’t think would notice. Almost like keeping tabs on a crush. 

Gavin may have been stretching a bit. 

They settled into the car, and once Gavin shut his door, they were shrouded in silence. It was incredibly awkward, and Gavin hated it because it shouldn’t have been awkward. It hadn’t once been. 

This was their reality now, though, so Gavin sighed to himself once and started the car up, u-turning it out of that noisy block. 

“Where do you wanna go? Want me to take you home?” 

He glanced over and briefly caught sight of Connor’s quick head shake. Gavin thought for a minute. “Want to go to my house? My dad’s not home, so … it’ll just be us.” 

The idea sounded fucking awesome to Gavin, but he was more unsure what Connor thought of it. 

Imagine his surprise when, after a moments hesitation, Connor nodded. 

Gavin’s house it was, then. 

The ride over to his house was quick and a little less awkward. He felt better knowing that Connor wanted to spend a little time with Gavin. Why else would he agree to come over? 

It could be that Connor didn’t want to face Hank for whatever reason, or maybe he just didn’t want to be alone. Either way, maybe Gavin could finally talk to Connor and explain himself. If anything, he just wanted Connor to stop hating him before they left high school and would be out of each other’s lives for good. 

That was fucking morbid, and Gavin shut down that train of thought real quick. 

When Gavin pulled into his driveway, he shut the engine off but didn’t immediately get out of the car. He sat there for a minute, resisting the urge to gaze over at Connor. The other boy hadn’t said a word, but he also hadn’t said a word to him in over two years, so that was nothing new. 

It was too quiet, and when Connor finally moved, it was to reach over and rub Gavin’s keychain between his fingers. Gavin held his breath, waiting, watching as Connor studied the Batman and Robin keychain his dad had gotten him a few weeks ago for his birthday. A tiny, breath of a sound came from Connor’s nose before he pulled his hand back and turned to Gavin. 

It was monumental, this moment, and Gavin didn’t want to ruin anything. But, Connor was gazing at him with something other than the look of fear or disdain he’d shown him for two years, and he almost didn’t know how to react. 

Connor’s eyes were soft, and he wondered if he got the same feelings Gavin had gotten when he’d first glimpsed that keychain. 

“We should go inside,” Gavin said quietly, and Connor breathed once, slowly, gathering himself, before he turned away and left the car. Gavin snatched up his keys and followed him, running ahead to unlock the door, unable to take his eyes off of the keychain in his hand. 

It was dark in the house, and since it was Friday, Gavin knew his dad wouldn’t get in until at least two in the morning, so they were safe here for a while. 

Gavin led the way to his room and flicked the light on before he chewed on his lip, standing around in place awkwardly for a moment. What the hell was he supposed to do now? 

Connor walked in behind him, one hand holding onto the threshold, and Gavin watched as Connor took in his room. It was different than the last time Connor had been in here. The last time, his walls were decorated with posters of some of his favorite bands, and maybe a fading Teen Titans poster behind his door. Now, his walls were bare, the pictures he’d had of Connor and his mom all taken down and hidden away in boxes. It had just been too much for Gavin to handle seeing everyday. 

The cartoonish blanket of his bed had been replaced with a bland blue comforter, and it suddenly struck him that his room had none of his personality in it anymore. Or, maybe this was his personality now: dull and simple. 

Connor walked along Gavin’s dresser drawers, sliding his hand along the smooth, paint-chipped finish. Then, he stopped as he gazed down into the top drawer Gavin had accidentally left open. Connor reached in and pulled out one of Gavin’s old Beyblades and twisted his upper body to Gavin with a small half-smile on his lips, questioning Gavin with his eyes. 

Gavin felt airy at the sight, tiny anxious butterflies fluttering around in his stomach, and he huffed a laugh as he moved to stand beside Connor. “I still have all of them,” he said, plucking his old favorite toy from Connor’s nimble fingers. He spun the bottom of it, and they watched as it spun and spun until it finally stopped. “I don’t care how old I get, I’m not getting rid of my fucking collection.” 

Connor snorted softly at that, and Gavin smiled, happy that he could still make him laugh. His smile left him just as quickly as it had come when Connor furrowed his eyebrows and reached into the drawer once more to pull out a folded up piece of paper. 

Gavin knew what he’d found, and his heart raced with panic. He’d always meant to put those notes in a separate box and hide them away. To keep them safe. 

Connor unfolded the note and read it, and he took in a sharp intake of breath before glancing at Gavin disbelievingly. Connor reached in and pulled out another, his eyes going wider and wider as he kept on taking notes out of Gavin’s secret collection and reading the child-like scrawl on the papers. 

Gavin's entire body felt flushed, and he knew his cheeks were probably an embarrassing shade of red when Connor opened up the last note and finally turned his questioning eyes on Gavin for an explanation. 

Gavin reached over and took a single note out of Connor’s hand and read the single word on the paper. 

Batman. 

“I don’t know,” Gavin said, because he really didn’t know what to say. How was he supposed to explain that he’d kept every single note Connor had ever written when they were little? How when Connor still hadn’t spoken to Gavin with his words yet and had only passed him notes to get his thoughts across, Gavin had ran home and placed them inside his top drawer with his beloved bey blades? 

“I don’t know what to say, man. I kept them. I kept all those fucking notes from you because back then, I thought I’d never get to hear your voice. I thought these words were the only thing I’d have to remember you by when we eventually got older and went our separate ways.” Gavin felt a sting behind his eyes, and he laughed a bitter laugh to release some of the tension, to keep those stupid tears at bay. “I didn’t know that time would come as soon as it had.” 

Gavin fisted the note in his hand and dropped it back in his drawer. Connor held the other notes cradled to his chest as he stared unseeingly into the air between them. 

“Why don’t you talk to me?” Gavin said, and Connor’s wide, glassy eyes flickered to his. “Are you not speaking because you don’t want to? Or, is it because… I mean, do you not feel comfortable around me anymore?” His voice trembled. 

This was an important question. Because he could handle one of those, he could handle if Connor didn’t feel comfortable anymore because Gavin had fucking caused that with his brashness. He’d have to work on that if he hoped to hear Connor’s soothing voice again. But, if he wasn’t speaking because he didn’t want to, then Gavin was truly at a loss because he couldn’t make someone do something that they didn’t want to do. 

Especially if he hadn’t wanted to for two fucking years. 

Connor wasn’t answering him, though, he was just staring at him with the saddest puppy eyes Gavin had ever seen, and he couldn’t fucking take it. He leaned his hands on the dresser and let his head hang down, his eyes closing as he tried in vain to stop the tears from springing. But, he couldn’t help it. He was so damn close, Connor was right beside him, and yet it felt like he was on the other side of an invisible wall Gavin couldn’t pass through. 

All of his emotions were heaving to the surface after so long of him pushing it down that a gasp of a sob tore through his lips harshly, and with it, the dam broke. 

“I’m sorry,” he finally said, and his mind cleared at the words he’d never been able to say before, years and years of regret letting loose as he came clean. “I’m sorry, Connor, I’m so fucking sorry for hurting you. I did this. I caused all of this misery between us, and I’ll never be able to tell you just how sorry I am for that.” 

His chest was heaving as he struggled to contain his emotions, but then again, what did it matter? Connor had seen him at his very worst, what was one more time of letting loose? 

He pushed away from the dresser enough to look Connor in the eye, and he tried to control the wobble of his chin as he took in the pained way Connor was gazing at him. Connor's eyes were red-rimmed and his own lips were wobbling before he took in his bottom lip to bite on. 

“I hurt you,” Gavin said and his voice dropped to a whisper now. Connor was right there. He could hear him loud and clear. “You were my best friend. The one person I’d always told myself to look out for, and I … I fucking hurt you. And, if I’ve only got this one night with you, then I want you to know how much I regret that day, and that I’ve been kicking myself ever since then for being such a piece of shit. I at least want you to know that before we leave high school, so that maybe there’s a chance you’ll stop hating me.” 

Gavin breathed in deeply, shakily, before he let it all out in a steady stream. Everything he’d been dying to say to the other boy was finally out there in the world, hanging in the air for Connor to decide on, and Gavin felt incredibly vulnerable right now. 

Connor was gazing down at the notes in his hands, and he could see the silent tears falling down Connor’s cheeks, the wet shine gleaming in the dull light of his room. Gavin wasn’t expecting an answer. He really wasn’t, but as he wiped his sleeve across his eyes to try and rid himself of tears that hadn’t stopped for two and a half years, ever since his mom had been gone, Connor replied with his words, his soft voice sounding beautiful and heartbreaking all at once. 

“I forgive you, Gavin,” he said, and his eyes darted back to Gavin’s, pained and red, glassy and narrowed. “I was angry at you for a long time. You hurt me so bad, Gavin, and the physical pain wasn’t even that bad. The worst of it was the shock of it all. You were someone I took care of, someone who took care of me; you were the last person I thought would ever hurt me.” 

“I know, fuck, do I know,” Gavin said hastily, wanting to hear more of that voice that he’d longed to hear again for years now. 

Connor sniffled and continued. “Honestly, I think I forgave you back at the cemetery that day. I knew then just how sorry you were, and all I wanted to do that day was hug you back and tell you what I’m telling you now. But, I don’t think I was ready, then. I needed time still.” 

Gavin was done crying now as he listened to Connor, letting him talk like he should have all that time ago. Good things happened when he let Connor talk about his feelings, he’d found. Of course, his mother already knew that, and Gavin vowed to never forget her words again. 

“And, now? You’re ready now?” Gavin said, and yeah, his voice was a little timid, and yeah, he was acting like a punk bitch by crying and apologizing like he was—but, for Connor, Gavin would be just about anything the other boy needed. 

Connor swallowed, the sound audible in the quiet around them, and he glanced down at the notes in his hands before he dropped them back into the drawer and faced Gavin. “When you came to me this morning and warned me about Maria, I thought you were just messing with me. But, you were right. I should have listened to you, because as soon as we hit the party, she went off without me, and I found her later in one of the corners kissing Josh.” Connor gave a quick, bitter laugh as he brought his hands up to clutch his elbows protectively. “But, then I just realized that even after all this time, you were still looking out for me. And, I … I missed that. I missed you.” 

Gavin gasped quietly, the reality of Connor’s words hitting him deep, and when he spoke, his voice was low, rough. “I missed you, too.” 

They stared at each other for what felt like forever before Gavin finally couldn’t take the space between them anymore, and he rushed forward to gather Connor’s lanky form into his arms, the feel of Connor’s arms immediately wrapping around his back knocking the breath out of him in relief. It truly felt like coming home. 

“I missed you so fucking much, you have no idea,” Gavin whispered harshly into Connor’s ear. The other boy only squeezed back tighter, and that was the only answer Gavin needed. 

Gavin hadn’t been hugged in such a long time, and if he thought about it, he’d say that his last hug was that night before everything went to shit, when Connor and Gavin were cuddling in the other boy’s bed. 

Gavin gulped as he remembered that sweet kiss they’d shared that night. That brief pressing of their lips that Gavin could still remember the bubblegum flavor of if he tried hard enough. 

His hold on Connor began to loosen as he slowly turned his head to the side, enough to gaze upon those pink lips that were suddenly consuming Gavin’s senses. The warm heat emanating from the other boy swam across Gavin’s mouth as Connor, too, turned toward him, and before he knew it, he was carefully inching forward, giving Connor time to stop him if he truly wanted to. 

Connor didn’t move. 

A heady wave of relief washed through Gavin’s entire body as their lips touched, tentative at first. It was still touchy ground for them, and while Gavin knew the hardest part was over, he didn’t know why he’d taken the liberty to progress things, to possibly ruin whatever achievement they’d just made in healing their relationship. 

But, Connor was reacting, too. He was suddenly clutching onto Gavin tightly, unwilling to part with him, and it was all Gavin could do but keep up with Connor as the other boy opened his mouth up to him. Gavin wasted no time in dipping his tongue into the warm space of Connor’s mouth, and he shuddered at the wet feel of it all. Of the dirtiness of it all. A kiss like this was reserved for his dreams, or the occasional time he let himself think of Connor while he was rubbing one out in the shower. 

It was unreal how it was actually happening right now. His entire body was on fire and cool all at once, their emotional intensity from before warring with their sudden desperate desire to fuse together, to express all their sorrow and guilt and misery of the past two years to each other. 

He could taste the pain in Connor, the remnants of tears on the other boy’s lips mixing with the rough guilt of Gavin’s bruising touch, the way he pushed himself against Connor like he wanted him to forgive him and never let him go. 

And, Connor was forgiving him. He was letting Gavin kiss him like the way he’d always wanted to, and maybe he was being too pushy, too needy, but Connor didn’t care. He molded himself to Gavin’s apology and accepted him because Gavin knew now that Connor had missed him just as much as Gavin had missed him. 

Still, Gavin had used up all the air he had in his lungs, and he gasped as he reluctantly pulled away from Connor, leaning his forehead against his because he didn’t want to stop touching him. 

“Gavin,” Connor whispered, his voice awed, and Gavin bit his bottom lip as he hummed deeply at the sound of his name. “I… I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.” 

His eyes squeezed shut at that, his arms unconsciously tightening around Connor’s back and shoulders to keep him close. 

“You kidding? I’ve done that a million times in my head.” 

Connor’s sweet and soft giggle made Gavin’s own lips turn up at the sound, and he couldn’t help but press another kiss to his lips. It was less heated, a kiss born of happiness and no expectations; he just felt like doing it. 

Connor pulled away this time and pushed back far enough to where Gavin had to drop his hands from his back. 

“Can we do something?” Connor asked, and Gavin felt so dizzy in the head he would have let Connor have anything he wanted right then. 

“What’d you have in mind?” 

It turned out, Connor had something more innocent in mind than what Gavin had been thinking. 

They hopped in Gavin’s car, and the duck pond was about 45 minutes away, the perfect amount of time for Gavin to wrap his mind around everything that had happened in the past hour, everything that was still happening. 

Connor was beside him, happily glancing out the window like a dumb kid, but that was just Connor. He’d always had a childlike quality to him, and maybe that was the innocence still radiating from him, but it was fucking refreshing. It was nice to just hang out with his friend like old times. 

The other boy must have felt his gaze because he turned to him, and while Gavin’s cheeks heated up at being caught staring, Connor’s eyes brightened, a small smile flicking his lips upward. 

It was past dark by the time they reached the pond, and as they slowly eased their way out of the car, Gavin studied the way the lampposts lit their path along the paved walkway and led to the tiny bridge Gavin remembered hanging out at. 

It was surreal as they walked through the empty walkway, not nearly as much space between them as Gavin had slowly grown used to. It felt like one of those dreams Gavin used to have where he’d be looking for Connor and always ended up finding him here at the duck pond, happy and patiently waiting for him. 

But, this wasn’t a dream, this was his reality; hopefully, his new reality, one with Connor there and with him by his side once more. It was almost poetic to Gavin how fate brought them back together on Halloween night, the same day they’d met all those years ago. 

“We don’t have any bread,” Connor said as he skipped ahead and up onto the bridge, leaning excitedly over the railing to gaze down into the dark waters. Gavin caught up to him and pressed himself against the railing to try and find ducks in the water, but he saw nothing. Maybe they didn’t come out at night. 

“There’s nothing down there anyway,” Gavin said before he turned around to rest his back against the railing, his elbows resting lazily against the metal bar. 

Connor was quiet as he brought his head down to rest on his hands as he gazed out at the silent waters, then he said, “What are you thinking about?” 

Gavin huffed, a tiny breath of air that was full of humor and tenderness. “Why do you always ask me that?” 

Connor was ever the only person who asked about what Gavin was thinking, and he’d always wondered why. Gavin didn’t even care what he was thinking about half the time, so why would anyone else? 

The other boy turned to him slowly, one arm resting against the metal bar beside them. Gavin tried not to make eye contact with him because hadn’t they had enough real talk for one night? Couldn’t they just sit there at the pond like old times and goof off together? 

But, Connor touched his shoulder, and Gavin was helpless to him. Connor had him completely wrapped around his finger, and in that moment as Gavin’s vulnerable gaze fell on Connor’s soft one, well, he thought that was just okay. 

“Because I want to know.” 

And, this was why it was okay; because Connor never abused the power he inadvertently had over Gavin. He just wanted to know. He just wanted to know what Gavin was thinking, and it was so innocent. It made Gavin’s teeth ache at the sweetness of it all. 

Gavin sucked his top lip between his teeth as he thought honestly for his answer. What was he thinking about? 

“I’m just … really happy. I’m glad you’re here right now, with me, and I—” 

There was so much he wanted to say. He was so full of these feelings and thoughts that only Connor could bring out of him, but it was just incredibly difficult to speak about. 

Of course, Connor knew this. Connor knew everything. It was their unspoken language at work here. 

“I know the past couple years have been … difficult,” Connor said, and Gavin snorted before he continued, “but, I hope we can move forward, you know? Just … be friends again?” 

It was exactly what Gavin had been trying to say, but Connor was always braver than him, brave enough to breathe the words into existence between them. Or, maybe he felt the same hesitance that Gavin felt and truly wondered if they’d ever get past their incredibly rough patch. 

Gavin had always thought it was funny how Connor thought he could just slip between Gavin’s fingers. Maybe for a while there he had, but Gavin always manned up enough to catch Connor just in time and reel him back in. 

Gavin brought his hand up and stroked the side of Connor’s face, his thumb rubbing along his cheekbone gently, dare he say—lovingly. This was something he was good at. Connor was always good at speaking about the truly heartfelt feelings, but Gavin was good at reassuring the other boy when he was anxious. 

“What have I always told you?” Gavin said, and Connor squinted at him for a moment, trying to remember something from their childhood. Then, his eyes brightened with understanding, and Gavin said it one more time. “I’m Batman. And, no one fucks with my Robin. Not even me.” 

Connor smiled at him, his eyes twinkling with promises and hope, and Gavin knew they were going to be okay. He had everything he needed now. He had his friend back, he had the opportunity to mend their relationship. And, if the sweet memories of Connor’s lips said anything, then they had the chance to become more than what they were. 

Just this morning, Gavin had woken up with the sun shining on his face, and from the very first second of the day, he’d known that today was going to be a good day. He never could have guessed that he would have gotten the best possible thing back, though. He never would have imagined that within the course of a day, on his favorite day of the year, no less, he’d have his best friend back and in his arms. His Robin. 

Because Gavin had always thought that Batman was nothing without a Robin at his side. He remembered when he was ten years old and had been walking around as Batman, looking for someone to be his Robin for the Halloween parade. And, then Connor had been sitting there on the float in his Robin suit, and it was like he had just been waiting for Gavin. Like the world had been waiting to pair the two of them up for a monumental meeting. They spent that day playing at being superheroes, like how kids did, and now they were seventeen; now he was ready to take on the world like a true superhero, and it was going to be one hell of an adventure with his best friend by his side.