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fifteen (Celestia)
"How old is Professor Drake?" You had once asked Ambrose.
"Cyrus?" Ambrose looked at you curiously. You had been finishing some promises you had made as a 10 year old in Cyclops Lane when you had gotten into a short conversation with a guard about the Drake family. Cyrus, Malistaire, Sylvia: well-loved community figures before... well. It's weird hearing about what people have done in the past, and reconciling that with the present-day them. Sylvia, the beautiful theurgist. Cyrus, the genius conjurer. The Cyrus of the past seemed so much kinder. Less bitter.
But, given what toll Malistaire must have taken on Cyrus Drake's conscience...
(Malistaire, the powerful Necromancer. Had he been ill, or weakened? Or had you hit too hard, in your rush to defeat him?
Or maybe, when he lost to you all those years ago, he simply... stopped.
But thinking about that made you feel a bit sick, so you had taken your mind off of that, until you had seen Ambrose, and remembered.)
For about a minute, Ambrose had considered your question. Then he smiled sadly at you, and didn't answer.
This was not, of course, the first time that he had dodged a question you had. One was what spell he had used so you made it to Wizard City from Earth when you were 10.
(Another was who the Professor was who would occasionally rest under a tree in the Commons. Or on the a lawn in Marleybone. Or in a garden in Mooshu. You've done favors for him - you've done favors for everyone - and you were on good terms, but nothing about that changed the fact that you haven't quite seen the Professor's brand of magic anywhere else. Curiouser and curiouser.)
seventeen (Avalon)
Nowadays, it's so hard to remember what the race to stop Malistaire was like. Looking back, you feel like it was a lot of... nothing. Helping people, and being hailed as a hero. You can't even remember their names, but they'll never forget yours - or at the very least that you were a "Young Wizard." You suppose those early days of errand running never quite left you - now 17, and having acquainted yourself/embarrassed yourself thoroughly in Zafaria, it's only really starting to sink in what you could be doing with your life.
What you're doing, quite frankly, is only somewhat worth the amount of stress you're under right now.
You're becoming a knight, the stuff of legend, as if you weren't the stuff of legend already. It's a rush, to be honest - Hero of Wizard City. Of Krokotopia. Of the spiral. Of Grizzleheim, during one particularly memorable summer. Mastermind. Oni slayer. Astrologist.
Has anyone in the spiral taken the time to count out the favors you've done? The people you've saved? You certainly haven't! It's... well! It's a lot! And keeping track of karma has never been what the adventure's been about. Still! You've done quite a bit for a non-native spiral resident, for sure.
What you have been keeping track of, has been the magic. Your spells, your health, your mana. Going back to Wizard City to help (or hinder) your Ravenwood underclassmen is a surreal experience. They're all so small. And you're their height - aging isn't the same in the spiral as it was when you were 8 or 9 - but you mean so much more. And all these young wizards are as small as you once were, before sweeping aside ghosts took a single pip. And they'll all mean so much, if they're just like you.
It's... it's just a lot.
It's hard to stay on track and on world, sometimes. Enemies are irritating. How did you manage as a young and powerless wizard to get so far, again?
nineteen (Khrysalis)
Shadow feels. Odd. Both physical, and not entirely there. Like if you gave too much of yourself to it, you could reshape the universe, and tear yourself apart, and crystallize the pieces. Scatter yourself across the spiral. Scatter your enemies, too. But you're not sure how to do that yet, even though Morganthe seems to have figured it out (even if she couldn't). So instead of giving yourself to it, you give your magic too it, and that makes more sense than giving yourself to it and franticly trying to appease the things you summon and command before the magic backlash (weight) snaps back at you, like a rubber band.
Remembering how Morganthe died hurts! Way more than Malistaire! And it's hard to explain - maybe you're older now, and you remember things more clearly, and maybe you've just tried harder, so much harder to reach her at the Shadow Palace of power. Malistaire was a race to the finish line, a single-line track to a Savior title and a level-up. Morganthe wasn't simple at all.
And the way she died...
It wasn't fair at all, having to chase her and fight your way so far for her to just...
... fall.
Simple and clean, glass shards being pulled out into the interminable dark.
Maybe (in a very cruel way) it would have better if she had been torn apart by shadow, or (in a very kind way) it would have been better if she had remained in the chamber so we could have...
We could have helped her, somehow?
We've made it through worlds. Trials. It's been very difficult. And if anyone said they made it this way all alone, they're a liar. Except Morganthe?
Maybe if the spiral hadn't been so cruel as to place her web in the wrong place at the wrong time, we could have helped her hold up the shadow...?
It burned cold. It was too much, she said! It hurts! It hurts!
But she was cruel! She was so, so cruel! She destroyed worlds and kidnapped ghosts and forced creatures to serve her!
It was only fair!
But at least for you, you deserved a better end for her! You deserved to grab her spidery-shadow claw and to pull her back up and save her life. You deserved to challenge her for a second time, to rightfully duel her one-on-one rather than all her forms split. Even Malistaire got a second chance.
Maybe you'll see her in the spiral again, later.
Maybe.
You'll just win again, and again. And it really doesn't matter at all.
Just pull yourself through the spiral door to tell Merle Ambrose about the death of the poor spider child.
(She really was just a little bit older than you when she lost her way.)
Just go.
twenty (Polaris)
The knowledge that this time all these problems are - at its core - your fault is... well, less scary in the fact that the ancient evils you're facing are powerful, and more in that people whose opinions matter might be mad at you for it. Even now, surrounded by ageless, powerful magicians in what equates to wizard college, there's a part of you that's certain that if you walked around and did enough errands, you'd end up in the right places entirely by circumstance.
It's just a little hard to feel worried about it all, even when you know you should be.
To be fair, you had no choice but to release Old Cob. Taylor Coleridge honestly didn't tell you anything of use. But he really did end up helping. Morganthe isn't a danger to the spiral anymore, and damn what you had to do to get here.
It's... interesting in retrospect that Coleridge needed a curse removed and in a small way that was why he had you release Spider in the first place. Isn't that kind of what you've been doing this entire time? Errands? For everyone? All the time?
So much that even the narration called you out on it, at some point in the haze that's Azteca?
Even Spider himself, at some point?
Grandfather Spider clearly can't see the full scope of your situation, though. It's not like you've become the spiral's scariest errand lackey because you wanted to. Then again, he had been locked in a black hole prison for longer than you've even been in the spiral and his name is literally grandpa, and there's definitely more fair things that you could be upset with spider for.
Like, for example, his idiot children.
twenty-one (Mirage)
It occurs to you, halfway through a fight against a few cats in a freezer (the cats seemed surprised that you toughed the cold so well. You've been some weird places. You've felt some weird things.) that somewhere along the way you've lost track of the governments that you've toppled or replaced. It couldn't be that much - Mirage was just busy, in the government-toppling sort of way. It was maybe just a little noticeable after Walruskburg. Really, it's the same as it's always been at the core of it - toppling governments is just a step up from toppling evil bosses, which is what you've been doing since you were ten. If anything, it's flashier.
Later, you're covered in sand, and time, and Mellori is gone, and isn't that just par the course.
twenty-two (Empyrea Pt.1 / Present Day)
Now, you're mad. Now you're very mad. You did not spend an entire summer running about doing favors for bears and ravens - and RAVENS - stopping the rise of an Ice Titan - of The Ice Titan - to be treated by Grandmother Raven like some novice mucking up the great plot! And you especially didn't spend an entire lifetime doing favors for everyone to have the entire goddamn spiral be destroyed by a bird like a child hitting new game when the outcome isn't what they desired. Not to mention, you can't allow this senseless murder! Because contrary to popular belief, apparently you've only committed honest-to-god murder once. And that was with Malistaire. And even he came back a few times for a few more hits. And the spiral, over years of running about and fighting, and making friends, and laughing and screaming and loving has become your home. It's your home. You live here. God, you've done so much for this place. To have it erased... if one person deserves the spiral to be preserved, stress and strain and shadow and all, it's you.
God damn it, you don't want a fight (that's almost not true). No, you don't want a fight. Beating creatures into submission makes you a villain, and you've spent years of your (probably shorter, now!!) life strengthening your magic and making allies, so that would be like bringing a Darkmoor-learned spell to a Lost Soul fight. Which you've actually probably done. You've just... done so many things.
Spider and Raven... are not gods. Simply old, and powerful. And god damn it, we've broken old and powerful things before. And as annoying as she can be sometimes, deep down, you kind of like Mellori. And the spiral, as a whole.
Because honestly, nevermind all the painful things you've went through! You've gone through some pretty amazing things too! And just throwing the spiral away - glass shards being pulled out into the interminable dark - is unfair.
Saving the spiral again, this time, would kind of be like doing a favor for yourself.