Chapter Text
The one-year anniversary of Rachel's death fell the day after the Spring Formal. None of them wanted to go but all four knew it would look strange if they all bailed. The entire school year they had managed to hide who they were, despite two of them using their real names. It was fine if people knew they had been Animorphs. There was no danger in it now, but old habits die hard. They had spent three years holding it as their most precious secret, one that could lead to the end of the world if it was shared with the wrong person. That was not something that was so easy to let go of. Especially when they were all trying to move forward the best they could.
Fortunately, the solution came from Max's other social circle. His friend Gord had planned an alternative bonfire on the beach. Shay had not wanted to go to this either, but the three boys convinced her. And honestly, it was not as bad as the dance was. There were maybe fifteen of Gord and Max's mutual friends hanging out around a fire on a quiet beach. Three of the kids' workers hung out relatively nearby but everyone was so used to them they didn't feel like chaperones. All of the kids swore or smoked or whatever did whatever they wanted to around them. Within reason, of course.
Marco was a big fan of hanging out with this crowd. All of them knew he was Max's boyfriend and while some of them really didn't understand his sarcasm, it was generally agreed upon that he was a good guy. Jake and Shay were both on the outside but Jake was quickly drawn into a discussion about wheelchair basketball and Shay was soon left to walk the shore alone.
It stung, seeing them happy. She knew it wasn't that easy for them. She had heard Max wake up from his night terrors. Marco and her talked almost every night and while it was almost never about the war, it was always about the war. Jake was the only one who seemed to be slowly adjusting but he had been in such a deep dark place that Shay was just relieved to see him becoming human again.
And what had Shay become? Closer to fine. Closer to okay. Closer to meh. She was grateful for so much of this year. For Loren's support and love. For the opportunity to choose her own body and name. For the chance to start over. But she would trade all of it, every single scrap of it, for Rachel. She would give up every piece of herself to get her back. The elation of her transition, the adrenaline rush of just being alive, all of it was fading to reveal her own shattered heart.
Shay climbed up on a rock and sat down, sticking her feet in the water. She swished them back and forth, listening to the teens further down the shore laugh and sing. She looked towards the fire in the distance and felt a pang of guilt. She had come here to be with the others. Tonight was hard for all of them. They all bore their own scars. They had all lost so much. But only Shay had lost her soul mate, the love of her life, her very reason for survival. She had tried, she had tried so hard to move on, but even taking another girl's hand in hers felt like a betrayal.
Shay took off the ring she had worn for so long. She was tempted to toss it. It was such a stupid gesture. She wasn't a widow. She wasn't anything. She was just a sad, pathetic girl who had run away from a party to cry alone. No one even had noticed. Marco and Max were probably making out somewhere and Jake would be too busy talking about sports to even see that Shay had walked off.
Shay started to cry and she pulled her knees up to her chest and buried her face between them. What she really wanted was to fly. She wanted to be in the air again, to retreat into that place she had dominated for so long. She had been strong then, a predator, a wild creature. It had been that animal instinct that had protected her so many times in the war. That part of her had died to become human. She had sacrificed it so she could live. And Rachel...Rachel was part of that sacrifice. She should have known. She should have stopped her from going. She should have died beside her or for her, not watched, not-
She was sobbing now, her dress stained with her tears. She wanted Rachel. She needed Rachel. Surviving one year had taken so much out of her. Surviving a whole lifetime...she could have chosen hawk. She could have lived out her life on her own terms, been brave enough, but she had chosen the easy way, the fairy tale princess way, the way that spat on everything she had held dear. Would Rachel even recognize the girl she had become? Would Rachel love her as she was or would she be disgusted too at the ease Shay had taken to life without her?
Shay heard a familiar clicking sound and she looked up. Only a few feet ahead of her was a young dolphin. It clicked at her again and Shay lowered herself back to the sand. She picked up her skirt and walked into the water. The dolphin swam towards her, brushing against her thigh. Shay gave her a tentative stroke, smiling weakly.
"You get lost, buddy?" She asked.
The dolphin brushed past her once more and chirped several times before heading back towards the ocean. Shay could see the rest of the pod now, one of them bringing the calf in close before leading them away.
Shay stood in the water, watching them as they swam. She let her bunched skirt drop, the salt water soaking past the hem and past her knees. When they grew out of sight, she walked back up onto the sand and saw she was no longer alone.
Shay asked in shock, "Cassie? What are you doing here?"
Cassie started to speak but Shay cut her off with a hug. Cassie held her back just as tightly, tears streaming down her own face.
Cassie said, "I can't go through tomorrow alone. I just...I just wanted to be with all of you. You loved her too, Shay, and I know you and I were never close, but at least we can be there for each other."
Shay let go. "Does Jake know you're here?"
"No," Cassie admitted. "It was a last minute decision. I phoned Loren when I got in and she said you would all be here. I need to talk to him too. I should do that before tomorrow. I don't want...I want it to be about her, about all of us, not me and him."
Shay nodded. "Yeah, I get that."
They both looked towards the bonfire and Shay shivered as the wind passed through her soaked dress. Shay took Cassie's hand in hers and they walked towards the party together without another word.
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All five of them stayed at Loren's that night, scattered between Shay and Max's rooms. They had ordered pizza at some point, but most of the details of the evening were lost on Shay. When they crashed for the night, Cassie had the pull out couch in the living room and Marco snuck into Max's room. Shay built a pillow wall down the middle of her bed so Jake could join her. She was gay and he was in love with someone else, but it was the polite thing to do.
Even in the dark, Shay could see that he was smiling.
"It go well with Cassie?" Shay asked reluctantly.
Jake sighed happily. "Yeah. She said that she did like Joel, but she wants to wait for me. If things are still going well a year from now, we're going to get back together. Maybe get married, for real this time."
"That's great, Jake," Shay murmured. "I'm happy for you guys."
He fell asleep soon after, but Shay lay awake for a long time. Eventually she gave up and went up to the rooftop for some fresh air. When she got there, she saw Cassie leaning against the wall, looking out onto the city. Shay went to her side and rested her arms on the bricks.
Cassie smiled at her before looking back up at the stars. Neither of them could see much with all the lights, but just enough to peer into the universe.
"When we were little," Cassie said, "Rachel and me used to make up our own constellations and our own stories about them. We used to spend hours looking up at the stars in the fields at the farm and we'd talk about everything and nothing. We stopped doing that when we knew what was really up there."
Cassie's watch beeped and she raised it for Shay to see. "Midnight."
Shay murmured, "It doesn't feel any different."
Cassie agreed, "No, maybe one minute to the next doesn't. Still..."
Shay knew what she meant. "I know. It feels like it's over."
They both turned as the stairwell door opened and Marco emerged.
"I guess I'm not the only insomniac traumatized teen around. You ladies mind sharing your wall?"
Shay patted the space beside her and he leaned up, standing on his toes to be the same height as Shay. She gave him a weak smile.
"So I was thinking," Marco commented, "that if we manage to survive the last shitty year of our adolescence, we should go backpacking. We're all good in a fight so we don't have to worry about getting mugged and we're used to sleeping wherever. I figure if we saved the world, we should actually try to see some of it. When we're not being shot at, at least. I'm thinking northern Spain. Or Ireland. No, Spain. Somewhere warm. Cassie, where should do you want to go?"
"The Galapagos?" Cassie offered. "It would be fascinating."
Marco groaned. "No, somewhere fun and not remotely educational. Shay, give me something better than that."
Shay touched her ring with her thumb. Tofino was where Rachel would have taken them, but Shay wanted to keep that memory just for herself. Even if she had been alone, it was where she had needed to be in those dark moments. Marco wasn't asking for that, not for some place where they could find themselves.
Shay shook her head. "No idea."
Jake entered and suggested, "How about Japan? I bet Japan would be great."
Jake stood beside Marco, giving the two girls a nod. Marco shook his head.
Marco argued, "No way. With Shay being tatted up as much as she is? Serious suggestions only, people."
The door opened again and Max exited. He slid beside Cassie as Marco caught him up on their discussion so far. Max thought about it for a moment and said, "Italy."
Marco smiled. "Now that's an idea. Think about it. History and boring stuff for Cassie and Jake, good food for my other half, adventure and excitement for me and Shay. Italy. I like it. Though, Ax-Man, just so you know, my mother was joking about that wine tasting like vinegar. They don't actually serve different vintages of vinegar there."
Max frowned. "That is a disappointment, but I should not be surprised."
Marco looked at Shay. "You think Xena would be pro-Italy? Though, she'd probably want Greece so she could fight an Amazonian warrior for your honour. We could always do Greece too. Go to Lesbos, meet your people."
Despite herself, Shay laughed. "Sapphos was bisexual, you know. She's your people too."
Marco grinned. "Even better."
Shay was not sure how long they stood there, planning a trip there was only a small chance they'd actually take. Eventually they started going back downstairs, one by one, until only Marco and Shay remained. The stars had faded and the sky grew darker as the sun prepared to rise.
Marco took Shay's hand in his as tears streaked down her face. He didn't ask her if she was okay and Shay loved him for that. They stood, just the two of them as dawn broke across the city, holding hands like children walking together to school.
Shay thought of them that way still. A band of children, hand in hand, leading each other through the battlefield, helping each other over barbed wire and through foxholes. That would always be a part of their story, all of them. But this was a part too, this silent moment on the rooftop together. This part mattered too and there would be more and more parts like this.
Marco finally asked, "You ready to go back in?"
Shay took a deep, shaky breath. "Yeah, let's go."