Chapter Text
Remus watched James storm off behind Sirius and bit his lip, barely able to contain the tears that threatened to spill down his cheeks.
Was Sirius really that angry with him?
“Fuck him,” he cursed under his breath. He sat down on the couch and put his head between his knees, trying to calm down his breathing.
It hurt, it hurt so much. He knew he shouldn’t care, that he had nothing to feel guilty about, but since when did logic stop him? Being a werewolf wasn’t his fault either, yet he’d been hating himself for it all his life. Why would being gay be any different?
“Remus?” said a voice behind him. He felt a gentle hand on his back, and someone sat next to him in the couch. He turned to Lily, wiping the tears from his eyes. “God, Remus, what’s wrong?”
“I’m fine,” he said, but his voice broke. Lily threw her arms around him, and he buried his face in her hair, grateful for the hug, even though he felt quite embarrassed by her seeing him in this state. He sighed, and this time his voice didn’t shake. “I’m fine, really. I’m just being stupid”
Lily gave him a look .
Remus sighed. “Sirius is being a dick about Ben”
“Yeah, he's not exactly subtle, is he?” she asked, with a sad smile. Remus frowned at her. “But you have to understand him, it mustn't be easy”
He couldn't believe his ears. “Understand him?”
“I mean, of course it's not your fault,” explained Lily. “But he seems honestly hurt. Maybe you shouldn't talk so much about Ben in front of him, give him a bit of time”
Remus’ brain debated between astonishment and anger. “I can't believe you're defending him!” he shouted. “So you're saying I should let him be a homophobic prat, like it's okay? Let him push me back into the closet, that's what you’re saying?”
Lily gaped at him. “What? No! Wait, you think he's being homophobic ?”
“He is!” he exclaimed exasperated. “He's rude to Ben, he doesn't speak to me, he won't even look at me”
“Because he's jealous!” shouted Lily. She shook her head, chuckling. “Oh my god, boys are so oblivious. He's got a massive crush on you, how can you not see that?”
Now it was Remus gaping at her. “What? No he doesn't”
“I'm pretty sure he has for a long time. Whenever you're together he looks at you like...” She struggled to find the words. “Like he's a puppy and you're a giant tasty treat, or a petting machine, or a bitch in heat, or…”
“Okay,” interrupted Remus, unable to stop a smile when Lily bursted out laughing. “I'm sorry but you're crazy. He's not into boys. And if he were, he wouldn't be into me”
“Oh, don't be acting all modest now,” she said when she finally stopped laughing. “You know you're handsome, I'm sure Ben’s told you that much. And Sirius is as straight as that Bowie guy he's so obsessed with.” She smiled sadly at him. “Don't ever tell him I said this, but he's a good person. He would never hate you for being who you are, you must know that”
Remus hesitated. “Well, yeah, I’d never really thought he would take it badly”
“So?” Lily insisted.
“So there’s got to be another reason why he's angry”
“So?”
“Okay, okay. I guess him being jealous would explain it,” accepted Remus. “But he could be jealous as a friend, you know, because I'm not giving him enough attention? We're talking about Sirius after all”
Lily nodded. “I guess he could be, but I still think he's got a crush on you. Either way he's hurting, you just need to give him some time. Having someone not return your feelings must be hard”
Remus’ eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Wait, you think I don't like him back?”
She gasped. “Do you?”
Remus chuckled. “Oh my god, girls are so oblivious”
She smiled for a second, and then turned serious. “But you've got Ben”
Remus swallowed, a feeling of guilt invading him even though he‘d done nothing wrong. Yet. “Yes, I know”
“And you like Ben”
“I do”
“But?”
Remus closed his eyes. His head was starting to hurt. Just when he was thinking of a reply to Lily's question, the portrait door opened and in came James. As soon as Remus saw him he knew he and Sirius had had a fight. There was just a very particular expression that invaded Prong’s face — a mix of anger, hurt and slight disappointment — that only Padfoot could put there. Remus also knew how much Sirius feared that expression.
James began to stomp up the stairs, and then he seemed to change his mind. He walked towards Remus and Lily, now appearing more nervous than angry.
“Lily,” he said. He never called her by her first name, and Remus felt the girl tense up besides him. “You do know that I like you, don’t you? Like, honestly like you. As in I think I’m in love with you”
She stared at him, gaping. It was the first time Remus saw her out of words. The redhead chuckled nervously.
“Come on, Potter. You don’t mean that. You just like to tease me”
“No, I’m not teasing you,” he stated. He grabbed his head, exasperated. “All the cheesy love letters, the stupid songs, the bad poems, the million fucking times I asked you out… None of those were jokes. And I know you think they are, but I don’t know how else to show you that I really feel like this”
He looked as if he was about to cry. Remus’ eyes travelled from Lily to James; he felt like this was a decisive moment in the history of their confusing relationship.
“I’ve never… I just thought you liked to tease me,” stuttered the redhead.
James sighed. “I’m tired, Lily. I really am. I need you to believe that I’m serious about this, about you, about us. And if you don’t like me, that’s completely fine and I’ll get over it somehow. But I need you to give me an answer. Please.”
Lily stared fixedly at the boy for a moment, but it wasn’t long before she replied. “Yes,” she said.
“Yes?”
She shrugged. “Yeah, I’ll give you a chance. I’ll go out with you”
James’ smile was so big one could count each of his teeth. Lily was smiling too, and Remus felt a pang of envy.
James seemed to read his thoughts. “And you,” he said, “talk to Sirius, please? He’s being a little dramatic bitch and I fear he’s going to do something very stupid, like not talk to you and hate himself forever”
“Okay” mumbled Remus.
Again, James set towards the stairs, and just when the door to the dormitory closed Sirius entered the room. Whereas James had looked half angry and half hurt, Sirius simply looked sad. Lily threw him a glance, smiled encouragingly at Remus and walked away.
“Hey,” he called before Sirius could get away from him. “I want to talk to you”
Sirius hesitated, but eventually walked towards him. He hesitated again before sitting down, and finally settled for the other end of the couch, as far away from the other boy as possible.
It was late at night, and in any other circumstance Remus would have been thankful for the silence, but right now he felt as if that silence was filled with words. He’d never felt quite so tense, and scared, and hopeful.
“I know you don’t like to talk about...” He stopped himself. “You barely talked to me these days, and I thought you hated me, for… for being gay”
Sirius, who had been staring at the fire till now, turned to him with a horrified expression. Remus felt relief wash over him.
“How… Why would you think that?” he asked. Perhaps unconsciously, he moved closer to Remus. “I would never hate someone for that! I would never… hate you, not for anything, not when I…”
“Well you were being a dick,” interrupted Remus. “And you’ve been acting like one since I came out, so you can’t blame me for thinking that it had something to do with that”
“It…” Sirius sighed, avoiding Remus’ eyes once more. He twisted his hands on his lap. “It has to do with that. But not in that way”
This time it was Remus who moved closer.
“Why, then?” he whispered. His friend didn’t answer right away, and he feared Sirius would talk himself into lying, that he would dismiss the whole thing not to talk about his feelings. Remus was used to him doing that, but this time he would not allow it. He moved even closer to the boy, their knees almost touching. “Were you... “ He was walking a very dangerous line here. “Were you jealous? Of Ben?”
Two grey eyes fixed on him, and Remus swallowed hard. He almost jumped from his seat when he felt something slightly brush the hand he’d placed on the couch between them. He felt a chill run down his body as his friend's fingers caressed the back of his hand.
Sirius nodded. Remus closed his eyes for a second, angry with himself for the feeling of hope that confirmation brought. Ben didn’t deserve this, and Remus wasn’t that type of boyfriend.
He was still thinking what to tell Sirius when he opened his eyes. It happened as in slow motion. He saw something shift in Sirius’ look, his body tense, and his lips part slightly as he leaned towards Remus. Then he saw his own hand -which moved almost without his consent- rise and press itself to Sirius’ chest to stop him.
Sirius’ heart was beating desperately against his hand. Remus would swear his stopped beating at all, and broke in a million pieces.
“Sorry,” said Sirius, and in that single word Remus could see the end of their friendship. He could see months of Padfoot avoiding him in the halls, of awkward glances, of James and Sirius laughing and then shutting up when Remus enters the room. He couldn't allow that.
“Wait,” he said, and grabbed Sirius’ wrist to stop him from leaving.
But Sirius didn't seem like he had any intention of leaving. Instead, he looked at Remus silently, waiting, almost hoping, which was so much worse.
What now?
“I like you,” he blurted out. “as in like you like you”
What? Remus mentally slapped himself.
“ I'm trying to say that I…”
“I know what you're trying to say,” interrupted Sirius. A small smile appeared for a moment, but it was quickly gone. “But?”
“You know what”
“Then leave him,” stated Sirius, as if the answer was more than obvious.
Remus felt a bit annoyed at how easy he made it sound. “It’s not that simple, Sirius”
“So you like him more than you like me”
Remus gave him a warning look. It was the you’re being stupid and you know it look, as the Marauders liked to call it.
“Then why won’t you leave him?” asked Sirius, immediately feeling embarrassed at how desperate he sounded.
Remus sighed, and stopped to choose his next words very carefully. “I know you. You like me today, but you’ll get bored tomorrow. I rather have you as my friend than resent you when you eventually leave me”
The other boy shook his head. “You don’t get it.” He grabbed Remus’ hands in his. “This isn’t…”
“No, you don’t get it,” interrupted Remus. He shook off Sirius’ hands. “How long has it been?”
“What?”
“When did you know you liked me?”
“Well…”
“This year?”
“I think it’s been longer, but…” Sirius mumbled. “I only realised it when I knew you were dating someone, because I got so jealous, but I think…”
“So it’s not even been a year,” stated Remus. “You know how long it’s been for me? Since third year”
Sirius gaped at him. “Really?”
“It was you that made me realise I was gay”
“Well, actually, it was also you that…”
“Since third year, Sirius,” Remus insisted. He stood up, pacing nervously in front of the couch. “You watch me kiss one boy and can’t stand the jealousy? Imagine years of that! Fucking years watching you go through Hogwarts’ entire female population, chatting up a girl and ignoring her two days later, leaving me to comfort them and…”
“No one asked you to do that!” blurted out Sirius. He stood up as well, facing Remus. “If you liked me so much for so long why didn’t you say anything?”
“What? You know why! You would’ve laughed at me at best! I couldn’t…”
“I wouldn’t have, I would have realised that I like you and we could’ve…”
“Oh so now it’s my fault?”
“I’m just saying if you had said something…”
“Oh come on,” Remus snorted. He pointed an accusatory finger at the other boy. “Even if you decided you were into it you would’ve got bored of me two days later like one of those girls, like you will certainly do now if...”
Sirius was kissing him, his hands grabbing Remus’ head and his lips pressing hardly against the other boy’s. For a second, Remus froze, too shocked to do anything. Did Sirius think it was this simple? That Remus would give in so easy? Angry, he pushed his hands against Sirius’ chest.
The other boy stumbled back a few steps. They were both panting, and Remus’ could feel his heart beat quickly against his chest even though the chaste kiss had lasted mere seconds.
“Moony, please.” That’s all Sirius said, but Remus understood. Before he could stop himself, he crossed the short distance that separated them and, taking Sirius by the hips, he pressed their lips together once more.
All air abandoned his lungs and Remus felt suddenly dizzy. It was as if he’d been holding his breath for years, waiting for the moment Sirius’ lips would part to let him in. And now he could finally breathe. Any worry he had disappeared at the feel of his friend’s fingers threading through his hair, the warmth emanating from the other boy’s body, the tip of a tongue sliding across his bottom lip. Remus had dreamt of this an embarrassing number of times (after all, four years were enough for his mind to come up with a hundred different scenarios), but kissing Sirius was everything he hadn’t dare to dream.
Yet, as soon as they separated in need of air, the dream fell apart.
“Shit,” cursed Remus, as the worries slipped again into his mind. Seems he was that kind of boyfriend after all. “Shit, shit, shit”
“Hey, hey.” Sirius grabbed Remus by the shoulders, urging him to calm down. The other boy looked at him, his eyes filled with guilt. Not the best reaction to a kiss, Sirius thought. He wanted to feel sad for Ben, wanted to be disgusted at himself for forcing Remus to cheat on his boyfriend, yet he had to force himself to stop the smile that threatened to curve his lips. He did feel terribly guilty, but he was also sure (as sure as he had ever been of something) that all would be worth it in the end.
As usual, Moony seemed to read his thoughts. A small smile showed itself for a second before his face fell once more, but it was enough for Sirius to know one more thing for sure: Remus had made a decision, and he’d chosen Sirius.
Sirius stumbled forwards and embraced the other boy, burying his nose in Remus’ neck.
“Thank you,” he whispered, “for trusting me”
“If you hurt me I’ll kick your ass,” Remus whispered back.
“If I hurt you I’ll kick my ass myself.” Sirius felt Remus’ chest shake with laughter against his own. “But I won’t. I promise”
“Okay”
The problem with Ben was that he was too fucking nice . Remus almost wished his boyfriend was a bit more of a jerk; it would make what he was about to do a little easier.
“Hey.”
Ben stood leaning against the wall, in the same spot they met every monday morning. From there Remus would usually walk Ben to his Potions class, which Remus didn’t take, before setting off to his Herbology class. Of course, they would both arrive terribly late, having wasted time by sneaking into small empty corners, hiding from their friends, chatting like they hadn’t seen each other for weeks. It was a pleasant routine, and Remus felt his heart ache knowing he was about to end it.
Just when they had stopped hiding, at least from their friends. Just when Ben had trusted his friends, had trusted Sirius , with his secret.
Remus let out a long sigh and approached the boy. He avoided the other’s eyes as he got closer, trying to stop Ben from kissing him like he usually did.
“Hey,” he said.
“Are you alright?”
Now Remus willed himself to look up. The words stuck in his throat. “We need to talk”
“Oh,” said Ben, and by the expression on his face Remus guessed he knew where this was going.
He struggled to find the words, twisting his hands nervously behind his back, but Ben spoke before he could gather the courage.
“You’re breaking up with me.” It was almost a question, except it was not, because both of them could feel the answer in the space between them. “Why?”
Remus was so good with written words. He could use them, manipulate them to accomplish what he wanted. He knew how to use them as weapons, to hurt, to persuade, to attract. Yet spoken words were an entirely different science, and they abandoned him every time he needed them the most.
“I’m sorry,” it’s all he managed to say. Ben stared at him with teary eyes, and Remus believed -hoped- for a moment that the boy would shout at him, hit him, something. But Ben was the walking stereotype of a member of his house, and like many Hufflepuffs he was nice… and observant.
“He finally figured it out, didn’t he?” Again, it was not really a question, but this time Remus didn’t want to assume the answer.
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t play dumb. You at least owe me an explanation”
Remus nodded. “I’m sorry”
Ben sighed and gave him a sad smile. “I know you are. I knew this could happen, you told me about… I knew what I was getting into”
It's true, Remus had explained to Ben how he felt about Sirius. It had happened during summer, when they had just discovered that they had more in common than their love of books. They had been leaning close together against a tree in Remus's backyard, under the soft light of the moon, and after Remus had told him everything about his unrequited love, Ben had kissed him. A moment later he had whispered in Remus' ear “I'll help you forget him, if you let me.”
The memory didn't help to soften Remus’ guilt, though. It only made him sadder, and angry at himself for letting Ben into his life.
“I shouldn't have let you…” he tried to say, but Ben shook his head.
“No, don't. It's not your fault. Nor is it mine… or Sirius’.” He set off down the hall, gesturing for Remus’ to follow him. Remus had completely forgotten about their classes. They were going to be so late. “Really, I can't blame Sirius for falling for you. He's only human. I just hoped he was too big headed to admit it,” he joked.
Remus didn't laugh.
“I could have told Sirius he's too late, and I tried to. But I couldn't. I couldn't lie to him, or to you”
“I understand”
Silence fell over them, interrupted only by the low murmuring of the students already in their classes.
“Thank you,” said Remus at last, and Ben smiled half-heartedly at him.
He wanted to say he hoped they could be friends, but he knew that's not how it worked, not with people like Ben. People like Ben gave themselves completely to you, but if you let them go once, it was likely you would never catch them again.
He didn't say goodbye when they arrived to their destination. Instead, he kissed Remus softly on the cheek, turned around, and disappeared behind the classroom doors.