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He gets home late that night.
As soon as he steps inside and hears the water running he knows Loki is in the apartment. His black raincoat is hanging on the entrance and so are his dark leather boots. En Dwi struggles not to react. He takes his jacket off and is about to walk in - then thinks better of it. He cleans his shoes on the entrance carpet, leaving a light brown stain on the green surface, and heads for the living room. Loki hates it when the floor gets dirty with mud.
Inside he finds further proofs of the presence of an unannounced visitor. There's a cup of tea abandoned on the reading table. A phylosophy book missing from his collection on the library. The lingering smell of a cologne, sweeter than his and far more faint, prevails in the air. En Dwi breathes in the scent, caught by a feeling of longing that he does not expect.
The door of the bathroom is ajar. The Grandmaster stares for a moment - lulled by the soft sounds of splashing water and the smell of scented candles that reaches his nose. He hesitates. For a while he lingers on the door, until he realizes with a grunt that this is his home and this is his bathroom. He shouldn't have to ask for permission to enter. With that thought in mind he grabs the doorknob and forces himself to step inside.
Loki looks up at him from inside the bathtub. They stay silent for a moment, neither of them knowing what to say. Loki doesn't smile and he doesn't greet him. En knows if he were bothered by the intrusion he wouldn't hesitate in saying anything, though, so until he hears any protest, he allows himself to stand where he is. The moonlight falls over Loki's shape, illuminating lean, hard muscles half-submerged in warm water. He looks graceful as ever. His long dark hair falls in curls over his shoulders, wet and for once free of cosmetics.
En Dwi tries to be ashamed by the way his heartbeat speeds at the sight, and finds that he can't.
Loki's eyes reveal nothing as he glances back at him. He wears an expressionless mask which, loathe as he is to admit it, En is not unfamiliar with. He can tell the kid is not happy to see him. It's right there, in the little details - the furrow of his brow, the delicate downturn of his mouth. There was a time in which he would leaned down to kiss those ofending, angry lines away, and Loki would have let him, feigning annoyance while a betraying smile unfolded on his face. That's no longer a posibility for him, though.
The thought stings more than it should.
"You're late." Loki says, standing up from the bathtub. "I expected you to get home earlier." His movements disturb the water, and tiny droplets start falling off his hair, travelling down a lean, well-toned chest. The Grandmaster struggles not to follow their path wih his gaze and fails. If he is bothered by the way En Dwi's eyes trail over his naked body, Loki doesn't let it show. He steps out of the bathtub and grabs a towel to cover himself.
"Yeah, uh, I was, I was kind of busy." He says, feeling a stir of anxiety inside his chest, despite knowing the feeling is unwarrented. Loki doesn't care with whom he spends his nights with. Not anymore. "You should have called."
"I know." Loki says. He's standing too close - dripping wet, smelling of soap and cherry shampoo, and covered only by a thin cotton towel. The Grandmaster tries to control himself, and finds it in incredibly hard. "I had the feeling that if I did call, you wouldn't pick up."
"Oh." En Dwi doesn't know what to say to that. He's not enterily sure Loki's wrong. They both had been avoiding each other, ever since the kid moved out. Last time they had a proper conversation was three months ago, when he came back to pick up the last of his things. It hadn't ended well. Sometimes En Dwi thought he could still feel that sting on his cheek from when Loki had slapped him.
"So, uh, where are you staying, now? Are you... are you back at your parents'?" He asks, trying to sound casual and not enterily sure he manages. He knows what Loki's father is like. It's one of the reasons they moved out together in the first place.
"No." Loki answers. His eyes harden for a moment, and he wrinkles his nose slightly. He must know where both of their thoughts are straying, but he doesn't comment on it. "I'm renting an apartment with a friend."
"Ah, right..." En Dwi's not enterily sure where the sudden knot in his stomach is coming from. He guesses he was still not ready for hearing that. He'd always been bad at break ups. Loki stares at him for a moment, seeming puzzled. Then he realizes, and the furrow on his brow increases.
"It's not like that." He says, not looking at him in the eye. "We're just friends. It's cheaper that way."
The Grandmaster nods, not knowing how to answer that. He believes him, of course. It's not like the kid would care to lie for his sake. Not after everything.
"I just came by to pick up some documents. I do believe I left my passport here, my insurance papers as well. You weren't home and I still have my key... so I just let myself in." Loki explains as he moves towards a chair where his clothes lay neatly folded. En Dwi recognizes a grey sweater that he had seen a couple of times before, and some plain black jeans. It's still odd for him, to think Loki would own something like that.
He remembers that the kid used to wear expensive clothes all the time, no matter the ocassion. Extravagant, beautiful garments that he would have never been able to pay on his own - not with the student's debt he was carrying on his shoulders. En handn't minded to pay for them. And why would he have? That had been a time in which Loki dressed up only for him.
Back then, En Dwi had a say in anything that had to do with the appareance of his young lover. After seing how well the look suited him in an old high school photograph, he made Loki cut his hair shorter and dye it back to black. He made him wear make up to enhance his features and insisted on making his nails. He threw away all the clothes in his wardrobe and bought new ones that he liked better. He had been controlling with him, cruel even - far more so than he had ever been with any of his lovers. Loki did tell him many times that his behaviour was stressful and upsetting, but he never cared to listen. It hadn't seemed like a big deal. Looking back now, he realizes that it had been.
"Don't, don't you want to wash those?" He asks out of the blue, gesturing at the clothes. "I could get them in the machine for you. It'll take like 15-20 minutes, tops." He stares at the floor as he speaks, struggling not to follow Loki's barely covered shape as he moves through the bathroom - turning off the candles. He's always been easy to look at, and the months they'd spend apart hadn't changed that. If anything, Loki looks even more beautiful now - healthier, stronger, more sure of himself. His hair is long again, curly and wellkept, and his usual paleness has been replaced by a sweet, almost rosy color. The black hasn't changed, but almost everything else has. He looks refreshened. As thought he were basking in sunlight after spending a long time in the dark. It hurts, to realize at what extent he'd been dragging him down.
Loki is quiet - he seems to be thinking. The Grandmaster lets him, knowing what's worrying him. It's a peace oferring, subtle and shy but still there, and Loki doesn't know if he should take it. If he should trust En Dwi with that much. He looks questioningly at the kid, and extends his arm towards him. It's only after a few moments of hesitation that at last he decides to hand him the clothes.
"Very well." He says. "Just, don't put them in rapid wash. You might as well not wash them." His nose wrinkles, and En Dwi smiles despite himself. Loki walks past him, barely paying him any mind as he heads towards the bedroom, but the Grandmaster doesn't care. He follows suit, and pulls out a white cottom t-shirt from his wardrobe for him. It's big and soft, and it makes Loki look smaller and thinner than he actually is, but he doesn't seem to mind. They wait. When his clothes are ready En Dwi helps him to look for his documents. They find them stashed away in one of the top drawers of the library, beneath some old paperwork and the Grandmaster's bank letters. Loki seems relieved. En realizes that he was probably waiting for him because he hadn't been able to find them on his own.
He drives him back to his apartment. Loki settles besides him in the co-pilot seat, engrossed in the small philosophy book he stole from his library. He sits with his legs folded beneath his body, curling the dark locks of his hair around a delicate finger. The city lights illuminate his face as he mouths the highlighted german words, struggling to get them right. Not for the fist time En realizes what an idiot he was, for ever letting him go.
He knows Loki will have to come back to return the book, sooner or later, and is glad about it. At some point, the kid looks up at him for no discenible reason and after staring for a while, smiles at him. It's a thin and wary gesture, as though he were afraid of what En would do, what he would think, if he offered him more. After some hesitation En Dwi smiles back at him, feeling something strange and warm and far too painful to name fill his heart.
He realizes then, that the old saying is not all that occurate. The whole you never know what you have until you lose it? It's nonsense. En Dwi knew what he had, and from the beginning he was all too aware of the fact that he could lose it. He even prepared himself for it. Now all that is left for him is to fill the throbbing gape his loss left behind. He's not quite sure how to do it, though.
As Loki opens the door and walks away from the car, dessapearing into the gloomy night, En has to stop and wonder if he'll ever be capable.