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Guilt is a familiar companion. It has slept beside him for centuries. Its arms have wrapped him in darkness and shame for many nights. It does not let go easily. He does not know how to let go easily either.
Emma sleeps soundly beside him, her golden hair spread in waves across both their pillows. It has been so long since he’s had a bedmate other than his dark specter. He wants to reach out and touch some of her light - the end of a curl so tantalizingly close to the tip of his nose - but next to her, guilt has never felt so tangible before. It fills the spaces between, it claws and grasps at him, pushes and pulls him, over the edge, into the deep, until he is drowning twenty thousand leagues under the sea.
He knows what Emma would say. That he should share his burden with her, that they should work through his demons together. But he can’t. She carries the burden of prophecies, of curses, of a million ungrateful souls. He will not disturb her rest, he will tell no tales, he will not reach for her light.
Instead, he retreats and steals away into the night as he has done the past several days.
***
The halls are empty, the usual harsh lights dimmed, as he walks towards the last room on the left.
He peers in, observing his brother sleeping in a stiff chair beside Nemo’s bed. Though Liam had been discharged after a single night’s observation, his brother had refused to leave while Nemo was still in the hospital. The staff had initially objected to Liam’s continued presence but Killian’s generous donation of gold has helped smooth things over. It has also allowed Killian to come and go well past visiting hours.
Killian passes his brother on his way to Nemo’s bedside. As he does every night, he uses his hook to pull his brother’s blanket higher and tuck one corner around the younger man’s shoulder. He should have been there to do it when Liam was just a lad. But those days are long gone and he has no one to blame but himself.
Killian shakes his head to rid himself of his immediate melancholy. He doesn’t need to be found hovering over his brother like some mother hen. He’s only here to drop off his nightly package.
He is placing the brown paper bag on Nemo’s bedside table when the man surprises him. Nemo has always surprised him. Killian looks down at Nemo’s hand wrapped around his wrist. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
Nemo chuckles softly. “You didn’t. I’ve been hoping to catch you.”
Killian watches the other man adjust the bed settings until he is upright.
“You know I have some tricks up my sleeve,” Nemo declares with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.
Killian can’t help but smile faintly in response. “Aye, I’ve experienced some of them. Good thing you can’t throw me overboard at the moment.”
It doesn’t matter, he is already drowning.
Nemo winks at him and Killian struggles to focus on the man before him.
“That was good fun,” the older man laughs. “But let’s not talk about the past. Tell me what you have brought me this time.”
“It’s not much,” Killian says as he scratches behind his ear with his hook. “Just some of this realm’s breakfast breads. I know how bloody awful the food here can be.”
“Aye,” Nemo agrees. “I’ve had better food in brigs.”
“But you must eat the Jell-O,” Killian says, noticing the untouched dish on the sideboard. It wiggles oddly as he pushes it in Nemo’s direction. “It has medicinal properties.”
“Is that so?” Nemo raises his brow in question.
Killian understands his doubt. He had the same ones when it first showed up on his own plate. He shrugs in reply.
“Well, I shall be glad to be discharged in the morning,” Nemo says. He eyes Killian for a moment before adding, “Though I will miss your midnight visits, my boy.”
Killian looks away for a moment before muttering, “I am hardly a boy.”
“Perhaps,” Nemo says. “But everyone needs a mentor.”
Killian looks at Nemo in surprise. He can’t help the wave of affection he feels when the man looks so warmly at him. “Is that what you are?”
“Depends on you.” He nods towards a sleeping Liam. “Stubbornness seems to be a family trait.”
“Aye, that it is,” Killian affirms as he thinks of his other brother named Liam.
“Come,” Nemo says as he pats the side of his bed. “Sit with me for a moment and let’s break some bread.”
***
Killian eases back to bed in the shadows. Emma is still curled on her side of the bed. He knows he doesn’t deserve her but he can’t let her go.
The sound of her breathing keeps his heart beating. He listens to it until dawn breaks.
***
He wanders the docks after Nemo is discharged from the hospital. But he stays in the shadows, away from the Nautilus.
He sees Liam once, standing on the edge of the Jolly’s berth, admiring the ship’s tall masts.
He wants to walk over, invite his brother aboard and show him the ship, his older brother’s ship, but even if Belle wasn’t on board, he has no place beside this Liam. He walks on, deeper into his own despair.
***
Killian doesn’t know when he fell asleep, how he fell asleep, but he wakes to the light brush of Emma’s fingers against his forehead.
“You haven’t been sleeping.”
“I was just sleeping, love,” he mumbles stubbornly.
“Killian...”
He turns his back towards her. He closes his eyes but he doesn’t sleep for the rest of the night.
***
Killian sighs. Someone is following him. An amateur from all the sounds he is making.
Killian gives his hook a shine before slipping around the corner.
He doesn’t expect to find Henry at the sharp end of his moniker.
“For fuck’s sake, lad, what are you doing lumbering about like a three-legged chimera?” Killian is seething. He feels like a main stay about to snap. He could’ve HURT Henry.
Henry looks equally furious, his eyes flashing as he leans forward so fast Killian is only just able to turn his hook away in time. “And what are you doing sneaking around all the time? Trying to find the Shears?”
Henry’s accusation hits him harder and deeper than a strike from Excalibur. He knows he lied about the Shears of Destiny but he had thought Henry had forgiven him for his dishonesty and his cowardice, thought the lad understood he was trying to do better by the people he loves.
But no, Henry knows what Killian knows - that he has fallen short, that he would always fall short.
Killian swallows hard and forces himself to face Henry’s anger. “I promised not to make decisions for you or Emma, no matter how much I disagree. I know I am no hero but I gave you my word.”
“Well, I don’t trust you. How can I?”
Aye, how can Henry trust him - a pirate, a murderer, a theft, a villain? He can’t.
But before he can agree, a shadow passes in Killian’s periphery and he drops to the ground, pulling Henry down with him.
“What are you doing?” Henry looks around and Killian can see the moment the lad realizes why Killian is at the docks.
“Are you hiding from your brother?”
Killian sighs. “I just want to be sure he is alright.”
“Why don’t you ask him instead of...” he gestures at Killian crouched on the ground, “whatever it is you are doing.”
“Liam does not want to see me.”
“I thought you and Liam made amends.”
Killian shifts his eyes away. “He says he has forgiven me,” he says as he scratches behind his ear.
“You don’t believe him?”
“How do you forgive something that is unforgivable?” It had been a question that plagued him for centuries but one that didn’t require an answer as death was meant to be his reward for finally obtaining his revenge. But becoming part of something bigger than his vengeance made the question relevant again. It made it matter to him again. It made him realize that there was no answer, that he was drowning in it instead.
He looks up at Henry, expecting agreement, but Henry is just frowning at him.
“You don’t believe me either,” he finally says.
“Pardon?”
“You don’t believe that I’ve forgiven you.”
Killian closes his eyes and sighs. “That’s not precisely true, lad. I...I believed you thought it was the right thing to do.”
Henry sighs, “Look, Killian, I didn’t mean... I mean...”
"You are right, Henry,” Killian says over him. “You are right to distrust me. You may want to forgive me because you are a better man than me but you shouldn’t forgive me either. I ruined Liam’s life and I am going to ruin yours and your mother’s.”
“Killian, no, don’t...”
Killian doesn’t listen. He knows what Henry’s words are - the words of a hero - and one day, he may even believe his words, he may truly forgive Killian as he has forgiven his grandfather and Regina, but that does not mean Killian deserves that forgiveness. In fact, he knows he doesn’t.
Before Henry can say anything else, Killian runs. He doesn’t know where he is going but he doesn’t know how to stop.
***
It is still early and the fog is rolling into the town in waves. He is haunting a patch of wildflowers by Granny’s when Nemo approaches him.
“I had been hoping you would come visit.”
“I doubt I would be welcomed,” Killian sighs.
“You know that isn’t true, my boy.”
“I don’t mean by you.”
Nemo gives him a pointed look. “Killian, I think you underestimate how much you mean to others. I am your family. And so is Liam.”
Killian laughs harshly and without any humor, thinking of Henry. He had thought he was finally part of Emma’s family, as unworthy as he is, but Henry had disabused him of that notion. Villains are not meant to have happy endings.
“I would wager Liam would disagree.”
“I would wager you otherwise. But the only way to know is to talk to him. Just as you need to talk to the woman you love. And the boy you see as your son.”
Killian shakes his head. Nemo has always been far too perceptive for Killian’s liking. “You make it sound so easy.”
Nemo huffs. “Hardly easy when talking to someone as stubborn as you are. Now, c’mon, you are buying us some breakfast breads at this establishment,” he says, steering him towards Granny’s.
***
He is dead on his feet but has no desire to return to an empty house or an empty bed. He is feeding a swan on the water when his own Swan walks up to him.
“Should I be jealous?”
“She is a fine specimen,” he smiles faintly before tossing the remainder of the bread into the water.
“Is this where you’ve been instead of home?”
He can feel her eyes on him but he keeps his own gaze on the water. He doesn’t know how to answer her. He went to see his family. But he had never been part of that family. And he’s not sure if he will ever be part of hers.
“You know you can talk to me.”
Killian shakes his head. How can he tell her that Henry finds him unworthy? How can he tell her that he should let her go? That she should let him go?
“You’ve got other concerns, Swan.”
She takes his face in her hands. “You’re my concern, Killian. You’re my true love, my…soul mate, if that even exists.” She smiles at him. “It probably does. So, you’re it, buddy.”
He tries to turn away but she wraps her arms around his shoulders. “Don’t even think you can get out of it, you know. You’ll find I’m quite stubborn.”
He smiles faintly at her statement, thinking of his encounter with Nemo earlier that day. “Nemo has accused me of the same thing.”
“Nemo?” she frowns. “Don’t tell me there’s a tropical fish running around town.”
“A fish? Why would you think Nemo is a fish?” Killian asks. He is an adaptable man and a quick learner but sometimes, his love makes statements that are beyond his comprehension. “A fish isn’t capable of running,” he reminds her.
Emma shakes her head. “Sorry, it’s this movie about…never mind, we never have time for Netflix. Who is this Nemo?”
“He is captain of the Nautilus.”
“I thought your kid brother was the one with the submarine.”
“Only temporarily, while Nemo was recovering from an injury he sustained. Saving my life actually,” he sighs. “Nemo tried to reconcile Liam and me once. He is still trying. But I...”
Emma nods encouragingly at him.
“I have been having a hard time facing Liam,” he finally confesses.
“You still feel guilty about killing your father,” Emma surmises.
“Our father,” he amends. “He was a liar and a thief and I am not sure he actually changed as he claimed he had. But he was my father. More importantly, he was Liam’s father. It was because of me Liam became an orphan. There are days when I feel I am drowning in my guilt, that it is pulling me down...”
“That is because you have a heart,” she says as she places the flat of her palm against his chest. “A good one and it’s working.”
“It’s okay to feel guilty, Killian. But you can’t let it consume you.” She searches his eyes as she says, “And you can’t use it as an excuse not to face your brother.”
He lifts an eyebrow at her, surprised at her insight.
“Soul mates,” she says, smirking slightly at him. “We’ve been down similar roads, Killian.”
“You’ve never done anything like I’ve done,” he protests.
Emma’s face contorts with an unpleasant thought. “Mmmm, I think turning you into a Dark One against your will counts.”
“Emma, I understood, I did,” he seeks to reassure you.
She looks at him appraisingly. “You are so willing to forgive me; yet, you were surprised when I forgave you for the Shears. You didn’t even use them.”
Henry’s angry voice echoes in his mind. But he can’t tell her that part, he can’t put her at odds with her son. He focuses instead on how he betrayed her. “You put your trust in me and I failed you again.”
“That’s your bottomless guilt talking,” she sighs. “It’s deeper than your flask. I filled you with darkness, babe. Like darkness from the beginning of time.”
Killian grimaces. He finds it difficult to argue that point.
“You understood me, you loved me,” she says as she holds him to her. “You forgave me. Liam will too.”
“Swan, I can assure you Liam does not understand or love me.”
“Does Liam know what your father did to you and Liam, your other Liam, you know what I mean…” She huffs, “I thought my family was complicated.”
Killian quirks an eyebrow at her. “Your family is complicated. I hardly have enough relatives for it to be as convoluted as yours.”
“Just you wait,” she says as she pokes a finger at him. Her comment startles him but she continues on as though she hasn’t implied something life changing. “Maybe Liam needs to know, maybe he needs to understand. Just think about it.”
“Aye, I will.” But he’s really thinking of him and her. Together. Henry may not consider him family and while the lad’s feelings on the matter are important to him and certainly, important to Emma, it does not seem like such an unsurmountable obstacle when he’s in Emma’s arms, when she discusses their future as though it is inevitable. He reaches up and wraps a golden curl around his finger. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For calming the tempest in my soul, for helping me breathe, for keeping the demons away.” For everything.
“Did I do all that?” she smiles.
He has told her no lies. In her arms, darkness retreats, her light chases even his most constant ghosts away. He can’t drown even if he wanted to. “Aye, you are pretty extraordinary.”
“I suppose it’s a good thing you are stuck with me. Forever.”
Forever. He likes the sound of that.
“It is, my love.”
And he breathes.
***
Killian is listening to her heartbeat as she holds him to her. The sound is a balm to his weary soul, it quiets his doubts and demons. Even the dark shadow of guilt has difficulty wedging itself here.
“Isn’t this a nice way to wake up?” she asks as she cards one hand through his hair.
“Aye, I’ve been a fool for leaving bed so early,” he replies, turning slightly in her arms to press a kiss to her skin.
“Mmmm hmmm,” she hums in agreement. “Though, I’m afraid I should get ready for work.”
“I’ll get breakfast ready,” he offers once they detangle themselves.
“No mackerel!” she calls from the bathroom.
“It’s a good source of vitamin and protein. Belle’s encyclopedias say so,” he counters. He wonders if she would drink some grapefruit juice.
“No grapefruit either!” she shouts.
Killian shakes his head. Soulmates, indeed. He opens the bedroom door and is surprised to find Henry on the other side.
“You came back,” the lad says to him.
“You didn’t expect me to, I wager,” Killian says cautiously as he steps out and closes the door behind him.
“I wasn’t sure.” Henry drops his gaze, looking uncharacteristically nervous. “I said some stuff I shouldn’t have said last night.”
“No, Henry, you are –”
“I need you to believe me. I need you to believe yourself.”
Killian frowns down at Henry. “I’m not sure I understand. You are right to doubt me, to –”
“I was wrong. Killian, I was the one who was wrong. You’ve always been there for my mom. And me. I have no right to doubt you. I get why you did what you did and I shouldn’t be holding you to a higher standard than anyone else. You aren’t ruining anyone’s lives. I am the one doing it to you, to Mom, to us.”
Killian wants to protest again but a look of vulnerability crosses Henry’s face. He places a hand on Henry’s shoulder to encourage him to continue.
“I-I didn’t mean, I –I do want you to be my dad but I guess I felt bad for wanting it and I took it out on you,” he blurts out in one breath.
Killian is hardly aware of his own actions until Henry is in his embrace. The word dad is ringing in his head. He would have never presumed to take Balefire’s place but he’ll do everything he can to be a worthy father figure to Henry. “I’m pouring you a glass of grapefruit juice for breakfast but I won’t throw away your Pop-Tart again,” he promises.
Henry huffs out a dry laugh against his shoulder. “That’s pretty much all I wanted.” He pulls back and look seriously at Killian. “You are a part of this family now. It was just…tough to find out my dad moved on in the Underworld. And with everything that’s been happening with my other mom, it just felt like things were falling apart. I didn’t want things to change that much and I lost sight of what I truly wanted and what was best for everyone. I’m also a teenager, you know.”
“Ah, I see, you get moody like that Harry Potter bloke.”
“Hey!”
But Henry is smiling as they walk down the stairs together.
***
Liam is studying the tall sails of the Jolly when he arrives at the docks.
“She’s a fine ship, is she not?” Killian calls to his brother.
“Aye, I remember these ships back in the Enchanted Forest. I never got to step foot on one though.”
“Well, come on board,” he says as he starts walking up the gangplank.
Liam follows at a half pace but once he’s on the ship, he’s wandering it with a barely restrained awe that Killian suspects echoed his own look when he first boarded her planks.
“How did you acquire her?”
He hears the suspicion in Liam’s voice but he tamps down the darkness and answers as plainly as he can. “She used to be called the Jewel of the Realm, the fastest ship in all the land. My older brother, Liam, was her captain. Our king sent us on a mission to acquire a medicinal plant, but it was a lie – it was actually a poison, and it killed Liam. After his death…”
“You took the ship and became a pirate,” Liam finishes for him.
“Aye.”
Liam pauses for a moment before asking, “Did Father really have another son named Liam?”
Killian closes his eyes before he manages to nod in reply.
“It must not have been easy to find out about me.”
“There is no excuse for what I did,” Killian states immediately. He will make no excuses for it, especially not to Liam.
“No, but…” Liam runs a hand along the bright yellow railing of the ship. “I want to understand why you did it. I had always imagined you were different than you are. I made you into this black-hearted villain in my head. It was easier to keep vengeance in my heart that way.”
“I was a villain, brother.”
“I’m afraid you won’t like to hear it, brother, but you wear remorse on your face,” Liam says, quirking an eyebrow in his direction. “This villain didn’t have your face. He was a caricature. He wasn’t real. Who was the person who killed Father?”
Killian speaks honestly. He is rarely this raw, even with Emma. But it is what a better man would do and it is what Liam deserves. “An abandoned little boy, afraid of the dark, sold into servitude, younger than you when your father was taken from you.”
Liam studies Killian, his expression unreadable. Killian holds his breath, waits for Liam to tell him it is just an excuse, waits for the condemnation, the moment to drown. But Liam surprises him by musing, “We sometimes end up hurting the ones we love the most in our search for vengeance.”
“Aye, it’s a hard lesson to learn,” Killian replies cautiously.
“It is. And I hoped I’ve learned it. I don’t forgive you entirely, but you are my brother and I want to know you.”
Killian desperately wants Swan by his side or Henry or Nemo to remind him that he is worthy of his brother’s generosity. “I don’t deserve any of your forgiveness, brother,” he chokes out.
Liam smiles faintly at him. “But you have it. Or some of it. If I was a better man, like Nemo, you would certainly have all of it.”
Liam strides up to the helm until he is eye to eye with his brother. “And maybe in time, you will start accepting it as I learn to give more of it.”
“Then I shall endeavor to earn it,” Killian says as he holds his hand out to his brother.
Liam reaches out to shake it. “So that boy, Henry, is he your son?”
Killian shakes his head. “No, but he is like a son to me. I am in a relationship with his mother.”
“She must be very special.”
Killian can’t help but smile wide. “Aye, she is.”
“Then I hope to meet her one day.”
***
Emma stirs when he returns to bed.
“Hey,” she says sleepily.
He takes her hand and bestows a kiss to the back of it. “I didn’t mean to wake you, love.”
“It’s alright. Where were you?”
“I took Liam sailing.”
She smiles at him. “Really?”
“Aye, I’ll tell you more tomorrow,” he says as he slides under the covers. “Let’s sleep.”
She nods her head tiredly in reply. “I love you,” she mumbles as she pulls him close to her.
“And I, you.”
It may not be easy to resurface from twenty thousand leagues below the sea but each day is a new day, a new chance to prove to himself that he is worthy of his place beside Nemo, Liam, Emma, Henry; his family. With that hope, he is soon asleep in the arms of his love, held close to the light.