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Duke Crocker has always been her daddy's girl. She knows Wade should've been his favorite, but Wade hates hunting and isn't interested in the boats the way Duke is. Wade is six, a whole year and a half older than her, but her dad’s always been quick to judge.
Either way, when her dad goes out on the boat or out into the woods, Duke goes with him. She takes down her first deer the summer before kindergarten and helps clean the kill without flinching. Later, she'll be sure it was a test but at the time it was just another thing to do with her dad. One that made him smile at her like the sun.
That deer hunt is one of the few times she sees her dad that summer. Duke’s not sure what changed, but her father used to be happy, and now he’s not even around enough for her to try and make smile.
Not that she has a lot to smile about either. Her grandpa died and her dad is never around and Wade is extra annoying. She's actually looking forward to school because it means she gets to do something besides getting ignored by some dumb babysitter.
The first day of kindergarten, Mrs. Hathaway calls Edie Crocker from the roll.
"It's Duke, like my grandpa," she says and even though both Mrs. Hathaway and Nathan Wournos look at her like she's crazy, the name sticks.
"Duke is a boy’s name," Nathan says at recess. "You're not a boy."
She kicks him in the shin and the ensuing scuffle lands them both in the principal's office. They sit side by side on chairs that are too tall for them outside the office. "Duke is a cool name even if you aren't a boy," Nathan finally says, kicking his feet in the air. "Yeah it is," she replies, cementing the friendship. The principal gives an exasperated sigh when he comes out to call her into the office. She's just upholding the Crocker legend after all, but everyone is shocked to see a Wuornos behaving poorly.
Her daddy laughs when she tells him. "That's a fine choice," he says later about her name. "Your momma's daddy was a good man and we could use more like him. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Grandpa was a good man, and the only grandfather she’d ever known. Her dad’s dad has been dead forever, but after her mom died, she’d stayed with Grandpa for a while.
Nathan is the only one who ever calls her Edie after that, the rest of the town quickly forgets Duke Crocker ever had any other name.
The next day, Duke sits down next to Nathan at the art table and he shares the red crayon and they become Duke-and-Nathan. It doesn't matter that his dad gives her the side eye every time he sees her or that her daddy mutters about Wuornos's under his breath when she goes over to play with Nathan. He is Duke's first real friend and that's something more important than their fathers.
***
The winter of second grade Nathan falls off a sled and breaks his arm. He says he can't feel anything which must be true because he keeps poking at the bloody hole like it's a science project and not his own arm.
Wade throws up everywhere, but Duke just wants to poke at Nathan's arm, too. Except he’s bleeding a whole lot. So instead she gets him to help and gets sent away with a pat on the head for her trouble.
The next time Officer Wuornos sees her he gets down on his knees, pulls her into a bear hug and doesn't let go for a long moment. "Thank you," he mutters into her hair before letting her go. "You're a good kid, Duke."
Nathan’s dad is always weird, but that's weirder than even he usually is. Officer Wuornos is invested in them not taking candy from strangers and knowing where to go if the fire alarm goes off and a hundred other things that he thinks might keep either of them safe. It’s more than other parents, real parents, not Duke’s dad, who doesn’t even know where she is right now. But he doesn't hug or show affection lightly, and Duke never expected him to hug her at all.
Nathan learns to live without feeling, but Duke keeps on poking him to make sure nothing has changed. The adults whisper that he’s Troubled, but she doesn’t care. She just has to watch out for him a little more than usual. Not that she would ever tell him that she’s looking out for him. Nathan is too stubborn for that, wants to do everything just like nothing really has changed.
In the summer they play tag on the beach. It’s more so Nathan can practice running again, but Duke lets him keep up appearances.
The water is still cold, even at the height of summer it doesn't get warm enough for more than a quick dip.
Still, the waves crash on the shore and the sun shines down on them as they run in and out of the water, laughing the whole time.
"Catch me if you can," Nathan calls and starts running before Duke is even ready. She pelts after him, but he's getting better, and there are people in her way.
She goes to dodge around the brightly striped blankets and middle aged women in sun hats, but Mrs. Hertz catches her arm and whispers quick and low, "You're a good girl, Duke Crocker, and you should know better than to be playing with Troubled boys."
Mrs. Hertz is from the church, and sometime she brings casserole by the house, because men like Simon Crocker can't be trusted to remember to feed their kids vegetables. Duke thinks this is stupid, who cares is her dad thinks venison is a meal by itself? It's food after all, and deer isn't charity. Her dad always says when you hunt you are earning your meal. Besides, Nathan is hers.
Duke says, "Nathan's not Troubled," under her breath even though it's a lie, and then pulls away and runs to catch up with Nathan. Nathan is her friend, after all, more important than being a good girl by any measure.
***
Third grade is the first time she and Nathan aren't in a class together. There's no one to tell her to sit down, to be quiet and behave for just ten minutes, no one to kick under the table or play with at recess. Duke isn't very good at being alone. Her dad is gone all the time now and Wade is still a pain and he thinks he’s in charge now because the babysitters have to go home eventually. She hadn’t exactly realized that Nathan was her only friend, but it’s sort of true.
She could make other friends. There are girls who try to be nice to her that first week of school, but she’s not interested in Barbie dolls or My Little Ponies. She doesn’t have any of those things, even if she were interested. The boys all seem to know each other already, and aren’t interested in being friends with a girl anyway.
She writes third grade off as loss and spends each day looking forward to seeing Nathan on the playground and dreading going home almost as much as she dreads going to school.
When her dad is home he's drunk and bleeding. She learns real quick how to bandage a wound. Most of the time he's not home at all. She tries not to be either.
She starts avoiding the babysitters. For the most part they are church girls who go to the local high school. They all love Wade. Wade is happy to smile at them and do as they ask, at least while they are watching. Duke is none of these things. Duke argues and she knows her own mind and she doesn't back down. The babysitters eventually stop trying, especially since it's not like her dad really cares what they do. He's not even the one paying them. The Rev from up at the church is. He's creepy and half the town thinks he's the second coming. Nathan's dad always just looks like he wants to kick the Rev until he's down and the spit in his face. Nathan may hate his dad, but Duke suspects it's a good plan to avoid anyone Officer Wuornos hates that much.
So Duke learns all the old barns and uncovered boats, all the best places to stay out of sight. She still goes to Nathan’s after school, but instead of heading home after dinner she finds a place to watch the stars.
Duke's grades slip, but she doesn't care and her dad is never going to notice. The teacher doesn't seem surprised, everyone knows Crockers aren't college material after all. They say it often enough when she’s just far enough way to make it seem like she’s not supposed to overhear. Crockers are meant for the sea and the bar, and possibly a jail cell. The only person who even notices is Nathan, because he actually pays attention like the gigantic dork he is when they call out the honor roll in assembly.
“Come on, Duke. You can’t fail,” Nathan says. “We can’t be in the same class next year if you fail.”
“Whatever,” she says, kicking at the pebbles beneath the swings after school.
“It’s not whatever. It’s important. I’m gonna tell your dad.”
Duke rolls her eyes at him. They both know her dad is never going to care.
“Fine, be like that. I’ll tell my dad,” Nathan says triumphantly.
Duke knows what will happen if Nathan's dad gets involved, knows about social workers and the system, and what can happen to kids like her. “No.”
“Yes!”
“I hate you!” she yells, and storms away. Nathan doesn’t follow.
She doesn’t know what else to do, so she goes on the attack. She’s not going to beg. She can’t. Instead she’s going to make him hurt like he hurt her. It’s the only way to make sure Officer Wuornos hates her enough not to follow up on anything Nathan says.
She refuses to talk to him, or sit next to him. Duke is so mad that she gets Tommy and Mitch to see how many tacks they can put in his back before he notices after gym class. She never thought thumb tacks could make someone bleed so much and the look of betrayal on Nathan's face when he realizes who orchestrated the whole thing makes her feel like dirt.
They avoid each other at lunch and after school. Duke stops doing her homework entirely and still no one cares.
They make up three weeks later when her dad is drunk and ranting and Duke needs somewhere to hide. There are other kids she talks to and hangs out with sometimes, but Nathan is her friend, so she gets on her bike and climbs the fence to his backyard. Thankfully, Nathan is the only one outside.
"I'm still mad at you," Nathan says, kicking at the dirt.
"I know," Duke replies trying her best to look as sorry as she feels. “Can I stay anyway?”
"You can hide in my treehouse," Nathan says and then climbs up the ladder to the tiny house his dad built for him. Duke's dad can repair anything that floats on the water, but he's never built her anything.
The treehouse is big enough for both of them with no problem at all. Her dad will never look for her on Wuornos land, and as long as Nathan’s dad doesn't find out she's here Duke should be able to hide out long enough for her father to leave again.
Over the course of the year, the treehouse becomes her favorite hiding spot. She brings over her sleeping bag, and it stays, along with a bear canister Nathan stocks with granola bars and Fruit Roll-ups stolen from his kitchen.
***
She’s back at the house and dad is home, too, the first time she meets Lucy Ripley. Duke's seen Lucy around town before, she only been around since January and even though there are a lot more new people in Haven than usual, Duke still notices.
Lucy has long brown hair and when she walks people get out of her way. Duke has even seen her at Nathan's place a couple times when they've been up in the treehouse.
The first time Duke meets Lucy it's because she's screaming at Duke’s dad. Neither one notices her. She’s good at going unnoticed when she needs to these days.
They're yelling about Davis Grant and about killing people, which is weird because Davis Grant was lost at sea. The ocean eats men, her dad has always said that, but there's no use screaming over what the water takes. That's not murder, not anyone's fault, it's just the way things are.
The yelling stops when Lucy sees Duke.
"I'm sorry you had to hear that," she says, soft and low, like she really means it. No one cares what Duke hears, or more often, no one even notices.
Duke just shrugs.
“We’ll continue this later, Simon,” Lucy says.
“Don’t let the door hit you on your way out,” her father replies, and walks away.
Lucy lets herself out out, but not before apologizing to Duke again.
***
Her dad disappears near the end of the school year. Wade’s mom is finally back in town, so Duke spends a lot of time in Nathan's treehouse avoiding her own empty house. With Wade gone the babysitters have stopped coming. Dad might like Duke best, but the Rev likes Wade for no reason Duke knows, and the Rev is the one who makes the babysitters appear. Dad will be mad if he gets back and she's not there but he's been gone for weeks and she's sort of stopped caring. It’s not like there is even food left at home, anyway, and Nathan always sneaks her food up in the treehouse. Today it’s meatloaf from Mama Lisa’s down on the square.
That's where Detective Wuornos finds them when he comes to tell her her dad is never coming back. "There was a sudden storm and your father was an excellent sailor, but no one could've escaped that, Duke," the Chief says, hands on her shoulders.
She doesn't cry. Her dad's always said there's no use crying over what the sea takes, that's just what it does. It’s weird it hadn’t rained on land, but sometimes weather is like that.
She moves in with Wade's mom, Nancy, and her boyfriend, Dylan. There is some talk about the Rev taking her in, but it's clear he's more interested in Wade and even though their dad had had full custody, Nancy sweet talks social services into getting Wade back. Neither Nancy nor Dylan seem to care what she does, so she spends the summer running wild. She has a secondhand ten speed that can get her anywhere she needs to go and a standing dinner invitation at the Wuornos'.
Everywhere she goes Lucy seems to appear. Admittedly, Duke is attracted to the weird things that go on in Haven, and Lucy seems to always be where the weird things are.
Still, it's a little bit odd. Nathan agrees when she tells him.
"Maybe she's making the weird things happen. Maybe she's a witch," he says.
Duke wrinkles her nose. "She's not a witch. There're no such thing. And besides, sometimes she helps people."
"Yeah, but Dad likes her," Nathan says like that's the only evidence he needs. Detective Wuornos isn't such a bad dad, Duke thinks, but Nathan seems not to care that his dad makes sure there is food and clothes and toys. Nathan just cares that his dad never thinks he's good enough.
"Okay, maybe she's a witch," Duke agrees to keep the peace. She doesn't believe that though. Witches are green in the movies and they laugh like evil is pouring out of their mouths. Cackling, Nancy called it once. Lucy isn't any of the those things. She’s kind of pretty and her laugh is just like everybody else's. And even if Nathan's dad likes her, Duke has seen her help people. People who really needed that help. Maybe she’s a good witch, maybe she’s just a person. Duke doesn’t know.
***
Duke should be in school right now, but no one notices when she's not there besides Nathan, so she hides when the bus goes by and takes the day for herself. It's October, and winter is starting to loom larger. There's a chill on the wind, and Duke is glad for her coat as her boots crunch over the fallen leaves. She feels like the ocean today so she heads into town. She doesn't get far. A blue Datsun pulls over in front of her and Lucy Ripley rolls down the window. "Miss the bus? I'll give you a ride," she offers.
"No," Duke drawls out, "it's okay. It's probably just late."
"No such luck, I passed it driving up. It's not a hassle, I'm driving into town anyway."
Duke sighs and surrenders to going to school. "Sure," she says and climbs into the car.
Lucy fiddles with the radio until the Beatles fill the silence. The car is neat, none of the fast food wrappers and empty cans that litter her father’s truck.
"So you were going to skip, huh?" Lucy asks.
"Never said that," Duke replies, wondering how she knows.
Lucy shrugs. "Doesn't matter to me if you go to school or not."
"Then why are you giving me a ride there?" Duke asks.
"Never said I was giving you a ride to school,” Lucy replies, and for the first time Duke thinks maybe there is something to officer Wuornos' stranger danger lectures. Lucy isn't really a stranger, though, and she'd never offered Duke any candy.
Lucy drives by the school and keeps going.
"So if I'm not going to school where am I going?" Duke asks.
"How about the beach?" Lucy replies. She doesn't wait for Duke to answer, just turns down the road that'll take them down past the marina and to the shore.
It's where Duke was planning on going anyway, so she sits back and watches the trees with their red and gold leaves go past.
It's not a long drive and Lucy picks one of the local’s beaches. It's too far from the town center for any straggling summer tourists and leaf watchers don't come to the beach at all so no one is here.
Duke kicks her shoes off by the entrance sign and rolls up her jeans so they won't get wet. Lucy leaves her shoes on, but follows Duke out on to the sand. Duke dips a toe into the water but it's like ice.
"Why did you bring me here?" Duke asks.
Lucy kneels down in front of her. "You know what the Troubles are, right?"
"Like why Nathan can't feel."
"Just like that," Lucy says. "Your dad had a Trouble, too."
"Yeah?" Duke asks.
"Yeah. Sometimes his eyes used to glow. I think maybe yours could, too. Troubles run in families like that," Lucy says. Duke can tell Lucy thinks this is really important but she doesn't understand why.
"That's sort of cool, but I never saw him make his eyes glow." Duke shrugs. She's pretty sure she would remember dad's eyes glowing. Besides, even though sometimes people have the same trouble as their parents, it's not always like that. She accidentally slammed Detective Wuornos' fingers in a door three weeks ago and from the cursing and hollering he definitely hasn't lost the ability to feel pain like Nathan has.
"I have a son. His name is James."
"Does he have your Trouble?" Duke asks.
"I don't have a Trouble," Lucy replies.
"Does he have his dad's Trouble?" Dukes asks, but Lucy shakes her head no.
"He doesn't have a Trouble at all, but he does need our help," Lucy says.
"Why would he need my help?" She asks.
"Because your dad's Trouble is the only thing that can save his wife."
"How can glowing eyes save anyone?" Duke asks.
"It's not just glowing eyes. There are other things, too."
"Like superpowers?"
"Yeah," Lucy says. "Like superpowers."
"Superman is sort of a dork. I think I would be a way better superhero than he is."
Lucy nods. "We'll think up a better name for you, too."
And then suddenly someone grabs her. Duke kicks and she screams and Lucy just stands there. The man is big and strong, but she gets in one well aimed kick and he lets go just long enough for her to get free and run. Except they're on the beach in October and there is no one to run to and nowhere to hide. She tries to run, she tries with all her might, but then the man is on her again. Duke knows then that she is in trouble, that she's going to die here.
She punches and kicks best she can, and she must actually land something, because his nose is bleeding. Any other time, she be grossed out as his blood lands on her, but she's fighting as hard as she can. Except this time when she lands a punch the man flies backwards. Duke feels like she's never felt before: strong and powerful and something else she can't identify. She runs again, intent on putting as much distance between them, but she’s not looking ahead of herself, only behind and she runs straight into Lucy.
Lucy doesn't try to hurt her. Just wraps Duke in her arms like a mom or something and whispers "It's okay," until Duke stops fighting her. Either Lucy is super strong too, or Duke's ability to make people go flying has already worn off, because Lucy had no trouble holding her still at all.
"It's okay. You're safe now," she says. When Duke finally looks up, there is no man on the beach, no sign but the scuffed sand that someone wanted her dead.
She doesn't want to, Detective Wuornos always says big kids don't cry, but Duke can't help it. She sobs into Lucy's shoulder. Lucy, who hadn't even tried to stop the man. Duke is too shaken to figure out what is happening. She's scared and she's cold, and she wants to go home to her real house and have her dad be there to hug her. Duke’s not getting any of those things, so she holds onto Lucy until she stops crying. She almost ready to pull away when Vince Teague runs on to the beach.
Vince gives her candy sometimes, but he's definitely not a stranger. He runs the paper and sticks his nose in everybody's business so he can tell them what to do. Duke had even seen her dad do things that Vince told him to do, and her dad never took an order if he didn't have to.
"Lucy, what's happened?" Vince asks.
"Duke here just had a scare, that's all." Lucy stands runs a hand over Dukes hair. "She's fine now, right Duke?"
"Yeah?" Duke says, uncertain and unsteady.
"Lucy, I am so sorry, but James. He must have gone for a run this morning. They found him down on the wharf," Vince says.
Lucy lets go of her hand and sinks back down into the sand.
"Oh," is all she says for the longest time.
"The guard is watching over him, but the police will know soon enough." Vince says.
Lucy gets to her feet. "Will you come with me, Duke?" Lucy asks, and Duke takes her hand.
***
The sun has set when Duke wakes up in Vince Teagues arms and has no idea how she got there.
"Hey there," Vince says and sets her down on her feet.
"Where's Lucy?" She asks.
"Lucy had to go home, back to where she came from."
"Oh," Duke replies. "Is she coming back?"
"Not for a long time. Anyway, how about we get some warm food into you. That sound good?" Vince asks.
Her stomach grumble and suddenly Duke is very, very hungry. She nods. "Yes please." Duke knows enough to always be polite when food is on the line.
Vince just smiles and takes her hand.
***
Duke's first kiss is Nathan. It’s a two days after Lucy disappears, and all the adults are running around, so Duke drags Nathan out to the McShaw’s back pasture. They ride their bikes, and ditch them on the side of the dirt road to go sit on the fence rail. Duke's been flicking Nathan's ear for the last ten minutes. “Stop,” Nathan says.
“Why? It’s not like you can feel it,” she asks.
“I sort of can,” Nathan replies sheepishly.
"You can feel yourself again?"
"I can feel again," he replies. And then he is pressing his lips to hers and she doesn't know why, so she whacks him on the arm when he pulls away.
"Why did you do that?" She asks mustering as much disgust into her voice as she can.
“Just in case.” Nathan shrugs and then hops down off the rail. “Let’s go to Benjy’s and get ice cream. Dad gave me a ten without even arguing this morning.”
“Yeah, okay,” she says.
***
They are back in the same class come fall, but Nathan is different and maybe she is too. He's friends with the other boys now and she's not always invited. She still comes home with him after school some days, mostly, she suspects, because he wants to make sure she does her homework. To everyone's surprise she makes it through fourth grade on the A-B honor roll.
The Chief looks at her every time she comes over, he stares when he thinks she not looking, and Duke has no idea why. She does her best not to even notice.
Nathan can't help but notice. He chalks it up to his dad being an awful person.
The summer comes, though, and more often than not Nathan is gone when Duke comes over. Nathan is playing little league now that he can feel again, his weekends are spent with the boys in their class and not on his ten speed with her. They hang out a few times at the beginning of the summer, but it's always Duke looking for Nathan and she doesn't like that.
By the time school starts up again, it's not such a big deal that she and Nathan aren't in the same fifth grade class. If Nathan doesn’t want to hang out anymore, well, Duke's got other things to care about anyway. *** Dylan gets by on odd jobs and petty theft, but he seems to know everyone in town, and he likes Duke better than Nancy ever will. Nancy thought she was getting a girl like the girls in Duke’s class. Those girls have pretty dresses and play with dolls and none of them like Duke. The feeling is mutual.
Dylan brings her along as lookout now that she's old enough to keep her mouth shut and be left alone without drawing attention. Usually Duke is overly fond of backtalk and swagger, but she finds she's almost as good at keeping silent. Listening turns out to have unexpected bonuses and soon enough Duke knows more about what's going on in Haven's criminal underworld than Dylan does.
Patrick Harrison teaches her how to hotwire a car and Reggie Wright shows her how to pick a lock and all because she was in the right place at the right time and asked real nice.
She stops talking to Nathan, he's a cop's kid and he always has to know everything, and he’d rather be friends with a stupid bunch of boys than her. Plus, she's pretty sure he wouldn't approve of her breaking the law, not at all. Instead, she starts taking little jobs from Reggie. Mostly it's just couriering stuff back and forth, with the caveat that she can never ask what she's carrying. Sometimes he lets her help him fix stuff on his dad's lobster boat, enough to know she's got her dad's touch with boats. He pays her less than she’s worth, but she’s eleven and has a steady income, so that’s something. Most of it goes straight to Dylan, because everyone who is making money puts it into the family pot, but she gets to keep some. Most of it she hides away, but she has enough to buy new shoes from K-mart, instead of whatever’s at Goodwill or Saint Vinny’s. It feels like success.
***
Mr. Harper comes to the back room of the Claw and Hook looking like everything Duke ever imagined from Godfather and Scarface. She’s not really supposed to be there, but Reggie likes her and he runs the crew now, so if she stays still and silent, she can listen.
Mostly it's boring stuff, routes and customs officials and set up. Mr. Harper has never worked with them before, though apparently his business partner has. This is a test run, one that if all goes well will net everyone more money than they usually see in six months.
“And this is Duke,” Reggie says, pulling her forward. "She's going to courier for us."
Mr. Harper chucks her under the chin. “Good lass,” he says, looking her over. It's intense for a moment, but she just keeps her eyes steady and waits.
Finally, he smiles and says, "Everything looks good to go, gentlemen. I'll be in touch."
The package doesn't come in for another two weeks, enough time to distance it from Mr. Harper. Enough time for Duke to get the tiniest bit nervous. She knows whatever they are doing, it's illegal. She knows she's going to be the one who walks the thing away, the one most at risk of getting caught. Of course, she's also the only one who can say she was given a package by a stranger and asked to take it somewhere and actually be believed if the cops catch her.
The day of, she takes a deep breath and wanders around the docks just like she's done a million other times. No one notices her, no one cares where she pokes her nose or what boats she climbs aboard. She's Duke Crocker after all, meant for the docks and the sea just like all of the rest of the Crockers and she's been crawling around the docks longer than most of these guys can remember.
Duke hands the package to the man in the blue shirt, and keeps on walking. She’s not allowed to go straight back to the bar, instead she wanders the boardwalk and eventually shucks her shoes to walk on the beach before heading home. After, when Nancy isn’t looking, Dylan gives her a high-five and says, “Good work, kid.”
Dylan, Reggie, and the rest of their crew take her along deep sea fishing after they get paid. "You delivered the package," Reggie says, once the ocean surrounds them on all sides and the poles have been set, "You earned your beer." He pops the tab and hands her a Miller.
It’s bitter and gross, and the face she makes must be pretty disgusted, because everybody laughs at her. She drinks it all, just to show them, even though she really just wants to spit it out. She chugs the last bit, and when she’s done, she gets back slaps and smiles. “Good job, kid,” Reggie says, and she’s not sure if he means the beer or the delivery. The beer makes her feel a little funny, like she’s lost her sea legs, so when Dylan hands her a second, she takes it and sits with her back against the cabin. Jimmy comes and sits next to her. He laughs when she says, “Here,” and hands the beer to him, but he drinks it down anyway.
Jimmy Harrison is sixteen and on the soccer team, he’s also Patrick’s little brother, which is why he’s out on the boat with them even though he wasn’t in on the job at all.
“You’re sort of cute,” he says once the beer is gone.
“Whatever,” she replies, because she doesn’t know what else to say.
“No, really,” he says, and then tries to stick his tongue down her throat.
“Stop it,” she says, pulling back, but he ignores her.
“Hey, stop it,” she says again, and this time she pushes him away from her. He catches himself, and looks to be coming back. “I’ll hit you next time.”
“Bitch,” he spits, and scrambles away to the back of the boat where the guys are still fishing.
***
“Hey, kid. Why’re you crying? Don’t do that, weepy drunks suck,” Dylan says when he finds her.
Duke rubs at her eyes. She’s not really crying, not anymore, but her eyes are puffy and she feels pretty miserable.
“Jimmy…”
“Was that little punk teasing you? You did a good job,” he says.
“No, he kissed me,” she says.
“Well, boy’s got eyes,” Dylan says with a shrug.
“I guess,” she says, and stands to help dock the boat.
Boys may have eyes, but that doesn’t mean Duke has to let them look and she definitely doesn’t have to let them touch. She spends a good chunk of her pay on flannels, chunky sweaters and baggy jeans at St. Vinny’s. Nancy asks if she’s okay, but Duke blows her off, and no one else notices.
***
The first time Duke gets arrested she's thirteen years old, almost fourteen, and standing watch for Dylan. Detective Wuornos is the Chief now, and he lets her go with a warning. "I'll be watching you, young lady," he says, just a bit too kindly. "Those are rough people and I don't want to see you getting hurt." He pats her on the shoulder and sends her home.
Dylan does eighteen months in minimum security, but no one blames her. It's pretty clear that Barney Wallis rolled over and told the cops everything about the drop long before Duke and Dylan ever showed up. She's not surprised when his body rolls up on a beach north of town, but she is a little scared.
She tells Reggie and Patrick that she's busy trying to adjust to high school as an excuse but mostly she just wonders if she'll end up dead on a beach someday.
She tells Nancy that she's never done anything like that before and Dylan had never asked her to. She knows what Nancy wants to hear and Duke’s not ready to leave Nancy’s house, not yet. Wade is getting tall these days, like he might actually be a real person someday, but the guys never try to recruit him. Wade actively likes school, and he’s happier with a book than on a boat. Nancy keeps talking like Wade might actually go to college and be a professional and wear a suit. Duke knows that means money and stability, but there must be a way to get those things without having to wear a suit or ending up in jail. She just going to have to figure it out, because no one else thinks she’s ever going to make anything of herself.
High school is boring and terrible, and everyone Duke is even sort of friends with is terrible, too.
She's on the vocational track with most of the other dock workers’ kids, kids the school half expects to drop out before they even walk in the door.
The first day of shop class, Duke is surprised to see Nathan there. Why he’s in a votech class is beyond her. Everyone knows he’s going to be a cop just like his dad. And even if he wasn't, he's still from the side of town where kids take AP English and Honors Math, not auto tech or ag classes.
“Hey, Duke,” he says, sliding up to her. “Be my partner.”
She looks around the room, but there aren’t any better prospects. It doesn’t matter if Duke’s beaten up half these guys on the playground and could rebuild a carburetor blindfolded. She’s always going to be a girl. Nathan may not know a tailfin from a tailpipe, but he’s never really cared that she was girl, not after that first fight.
“Yeah, okay,” she says, and he smiles like she hasn’t been doing her best to avoid him for years now.
He’s a terrible partner. Nathan knows almost nothing about tools or engines or anything the least bit mechanical. You’d think he’d never even ridden in car.
“I’m here to learn, not to already know this stuff,” he says when she points this out.
“Most people in here at least know what a drill is,” she teases.
He frowns at her, and she can’t help but laugh, even as Mr. Ericsson glares at them both.
***
She takes up smoking, mostly to have something to do when playing lookout, and keeps it up because it's what everyone expects of her. She doesn’t even think, just pulls out her pack, and lights up once they’re behind the stadium. It’s where everyone goes to smoke, and no one ever comes looking.
“What are you doing?” Nathan asks, looking at her like she’s gone crazy.
“Um, smoking? Want one?” She waves a cigarette at him. They’re cheap and stale, but Duke’s always been more interested in squirreling her money away for a rainy day than flashing it around.
“What? No.” Nathan looks at her until she sighs and grinds the butt into the brick wall behind her.
“Better?” she asks, leaning hard into the sarcasm.
“Yeah,” he replies with no irony at all.
She doesn't exactly mean to quit smoking, she just stops doing it anywhere Nathan will see, and then anywhere he'll hear about it, and finally she just hasn't had a cigarette in months and she doesn't even want one.
***
She does a few small jobs for Reggie, just carrying things to where they're supposed to go. She's not going to end up dead on a beach, she's smarter than that, she’s decided. It keeps her in new shoes and a growing boat fund. She hangs out at the Claw and Hook a little more often, picking up some under the table busboy work, and learns to play poker from Patrick. She's already pretty good at pool, better than most of Reggie's boys, but what she really loves is the dilapidated pinball machine in the back. Ten years ago, maybe even five, she'd have to have fought for a turn. Now the video arcade down the block seems to have wiped away everyone's interest besides her own.
She likes that it not just a computer in a box. The pinball machine isn't just about pushing buttons, it's about the difference between a light tap and good thump, it's the way she can jiggle the machine at just the right time to rack up the high score.
Nathan shows up at the Claw and Hook on a Wednesday afternoon, when it’s just Duke, and Patrick behind the bar.
It's not like it's a secret where Duke goes after school. Patrick might be paying her under the table, but everyone sees her work if they aren't too busy ignoring her.
"Bit empty in here," Nathan says with a sly smile. "I have quarters."
"Yeah?" She asks and looks at Patrick. Reggie would say no, but Reggie hates Nathan on principle, even though Nathan’s never said anything. Patrick just nods. Things won't even start to pick up for another hour or two and Reggie is out running a job for the rest of the day. So Duke drops her apron behind the bar and follows Nathan to the alcove that holds the pinball machine.
N and D are the only initials on the sheet of paper taped to the side of the machine and Duke is currently in the lead. If the Chief ever found out where Nathan was spending his time, they would both be dead, but criminals don’t talk to the police, and Nathan is even more closed lipped than any thief.
Nathan slots the first quarter into the machine. Loser always plays first in hopes of dethroning the reigning champion.
***
Duke skips more high school then she goes to. What's the point? She's not going to college, not like Nathan and his perfect 4.0 GPA. Duke's planning on working as a hand down at the docks until she can buy a boat of her own. A big one with a proper motor and room for cargo, not like the little cat boat she has now.
Not that the cat boat isn't a thing of beauty. She got it from Micah Wallander, half dead, and just as likely to sink, the summer between freshman and sophomore year. Duke pulls the rotten planks and broken coaming, strips all the paint and peeling varnish off the solid wood and starts working. She borrows tools from Mr. Ericsson, who runs the high school's votech program and is just thrilled to see Duke do anything productive with her life. The planking is a bitch and she can't afford too many mistakes because the cedar is expensive even when she's getting it under the table from a seriously shady source.
Sometimes, Nathan comes down and watches her work. He’s not bad as a second set of hands, but she wouldn’t trust him with a saw or a hammer, not even after a whole year of shop. Still he's willing to hold things in place and fetch tools and once she teaches him something he never forgets.
“You have to give a cat boat a cat name,” Nathan insists, one afternoon as they sand the mast in preparation for another coat of varnish.
Duke shakes her head at him. “That’s not how it works.”
“That’s how it should work,” he says with certainty.
***
At the height of August's heat, Duke indentures herself to Amy Drake in order to get access to the Drake sail loft. She works fourteen hour days every weekend and stabs herself with sail needles more times than she can count, but by the time school lets out for the spring break she has a sail and a job offer for next summer.
The cat is only twelve feet long, but she’s broad in the beam, and a little ungainly on land for all that she’s one of the steadiest things on the water. There is gold leaf paint on her transom now, spelling out Tiger. Nathan helps her launch it, and they sail around the peninsula on her maiden voyage.
The sky is pure blue, going up and on forever when Duke throws her anchor over the side. Nathan’s brought sandwiches and Cokes, because Nathan’s good like that, and they eat with their feet hanging down into the water.
He kisses her, honey slow in the warmth of the sun, and she kisses back, just as sweet. She doesn’t stop when he slips a hand under her shirt, just enjoys the feeling of his hands against her skin, the salt on the wind and the sun on her face. Duke wants this to last forever.
Nathan doesn't try and go any further and Duke can't decide if she's disappointed or relieved when he breaks away and suggests they head back to the harbor.
***
Dylan gets out of prison, and only lasts a month before he gets caught violating his parole. Reggie just shrugs, and Patrick says it takes some men like that. Duke’s not really sure what that means, but she accepts it with a shrug. Things are tight at home without Dylan's paycheck, but between Nancy working two jobs and what Duke brings home they're keeping afloat. Most of the guys who work for Reggie have been in and out of jail since they were going to Juvie. Duke promises herself she won't end up in either place. She's old enough now to get a real job and she's going to go legit. She needs to if she’s going to keep doing whatever it is she’s doing with Nathan. Watching Jimmy get tried as an adult is just the last straw.
He and Tony Wilson knocked over a liquor store two towns away up in Keating, and Tony had had a gun. It'll be twenty years before Jimmy is a free man again.
So when Reggie tries to give her a gun, she begs off.
"You just going to be a waitress forever, Duke?" he asks her.
"If I have to be," she says and pushes the gun back over to him.
After that shifts at the Claw and Hook dry up.
Duke works in the sail loft during the summer and waitresses with Nancy for the night shift. She's not getting a whole lot of sleep, and she's only taken Tiger out twice during the whole summer. Reggie pays better and the money is easier, but Duke wants to stay on the right side if the law. She's getting old enough now that she could be tried as an adult, too.
So Duke arrives at eight to the sail loft and spends eight hours sewing her fingers bloody. And then she puts on the stupid outfit and serves truckers pie and coffee from ten to six am every night.
It's not so bad. Amy Drake demands perfection, but she's teaching Duke a skill that she can make a career out of if she really wants. She drinks her coffee double fisted every morning, but Duke stays wide awake at the sail loft.
Earl runs the diner, out on the edge of town where the highway exit brings truckers by Haven. He doesn't mind if she curls up in a booth and takes a cat nap when there aren't any customers. Jerry used to be a linebacker, but he wasn't good enough for college ball, and now he's the cook here. He makes pie from his mama’s recipe, golden and crispy, and he tells her stories about when her dad and Chief Wuornos were in high school with him.
That lasts until one of the truckers pulls her down on his lap and tries to put his hands places she doesn't want them. Duke slaps him across the face and Nancy pulls her away, sobbing. She's been pinched and slapped on the ass before, that's just what waitressing seems to be. No one has ever tried to hold her before, tried to keep her from getting away.
The guy comes after them, as Nancy drags Duke towards the back, screaming about what he's due, but Jerry manhandles him out the door and Earl tells him he's banned for life. After, Jerry feeds her pie and Earl brings her coffee and Nancy strokes her hair, at least until the next customer wanders in and they all go back to work.
Duke calls in sick to the sail loft in the morning and spends the day in bed wrapped up in every winter blanket she can find. Nancy comes to wake her up at noon to get ready to go back to the diner and Duke says, "I can't."
"I know it was scary and horrible, but it's not going to happen again tonight," Nancy assures her.
"I know. I just can't. Tell Earl I'm sorry."
Reggie is more than happy to take Duke back. The money is so much easier, and Duke promises herself she'll be smart and nothing bad will happen and Nathan will never find out. She’s always been good at lying to herself.
***
The summer winds down into fall, and they don’t manage to take the Tiger out before school starts up again. She’s been a little hesitant around Nathan, shying away when he leans towards her.
It’s not him, not exactly, but she’s just not sure anymore. Nathan is Haven, he has this town in his bones, right down to the marrow. Duke, though, Duke loves the ever changing sea. She’s known for a long time she’s not going to stay in Haven, not even though she promised her dad she would. She was a baby then, and she hadn’t known any better.
There is a whole world out there, waiting for her. Duke just wants to go, leave Haven far behind, and see what is out there.
“We could go to the Bahamas or just Key West or circumnavigate the globe,” she says one day as they sit out on the beach. The water has been too cold to go in for months, and even sitting out of the rocks Duke’s hoodie is a little thin.
“I guess,” Nathan replies, sprawled out awkwardly. He’s hit his growth spurt and is growing taller than Duke everyday, and he’s clumsy enough again that it reminds Duke of when they were little and he couldn’t feel anything.
Duke’s got her knees tucked up under her chin, staring out into the water. “Not on the Tiger, I’m going to have something better someday.”
“Duke Crocker, Pirate Captain,” Nathan says, and turns his smile on her. “You’ll sail the seven seas, find hidden treasure and bring it back to Haven for everyone to see. A good pirate ship, three masts and enough cannon to take out a fleet.”
“I would be a good pirate,” Duke says, and knows that it’s more true than Nathan ever has imagined.
She’s not stupid, though, she has a plan, and it’s not to become a pirate. She going to buy a boat, a steady serviceable vessel. She’ll be free to carry cargo wherever it needs to go and wherever she wants to see. In her plan, Nathan comes with her, even though she knows he never will. But she’s taught him everything she can about boats and the sea, and even if it’s not in his blood like it is hers, he’d make a good first mate. There’s no one else she’d rather take with her, after all. The plan keeps her in high school, keeps her working in the sail loft, even as she picks up more jobs from Reggie.
Duke never really thought she’d make it to junior year, but she sticks to the plan. Most of the guys her age who hang out at the Claw and Hook have already dropped out. They run jobs for Reggie, or unload ships at the docks, or sell just enough pot to cover what they’re smoking. Duke stays, though. Maybe because she doesn’t want to have that fight with Nathan, but maybe because she wants to prove she can.
***
Nathan’s not in shop this year, or anything else that votech offers, but he still seems to be everywhere she is. He even ducks into the Claw and Hook on afternoons when the bar is mostly empty. Sometimes they play pool, but usually he drags her out of the bar and down to the beach or the docks or once in a while, out to the cliffs.
“It’s a good place,” he says, over and over, as the waves crash on the shore, or the leaves rustle in the the trees.
She knows he means well, means to tie her to the land the way he is. Means for her to stay with him, stay in Haven. Duke lets him talk, but she knows she’ll never love this place the way Nathan does.
Even if she did love Haven, how could she stay? She’ll always be a Crocker, here. A petty thief, not smart enough for the big time, but not good enough for normal people. Forever unwanted. Out there though, out there is a place for Duke. She just has to go find it.
***
They take the PSATs, even though Duke has no plan to take the SATs, and she doesn’t have the money to spare anyway. The fee goes on Chief Wuornos’ credit card, which Duke feels guilty about until Nathan tells her that he gave his dad money that Nathan owed Duke anyway. Duke doesn’t remember Nathan owing her anything, he’s always the one with spare cash, not her, but she’d rather pick a fight about college than about the Chief interfering in her life. Nathan’s always going to win that fight.
Duke takes the test in the high school cafeteria. They are seated alphabetically, so Nathan is nowhere in sight. It’s tedious and boring, but she does the problems and fills in the bubbles and after, complains with Nathan about the tricky questions and the kid who kept tapping his pencil against his calculator.
***
The scores come back right before winter break.
The guidance counselor, Mrs. DeWitte, stops her in the hallway. “It looks like you should come talk to me about college, Duke Crocker,” she says, and Duke isn’t sure which one of them is more surprised.
“I don’t want to go to college,” Duke says, college is just another thing to keep her trapped here.
“You shouldn’t throw your life away just because people in this town think you should. I know you want out of Haven. College could do that for you,” Mrs. DeWitte says.
“I’ll think about it,” Duke replies, even though she has no intentions of doing so. Maybe if she were a different person, she’d go to college and never come back here. But college is four years of being in the same place, four years of boring classes, four years of stringing Nathan along, letting him think that she’s always going to stay.
***
Nathan asks Hannah Driscoll to junior prom and the whole school knows by lunch the next day that she said yes and then her dad said no.
Duke doesn't go to the dance, she hasn't worn a dress since she was thirteen and she's not going to now. Especially not to stand around with a bunch of people she hates and drink gross punch while the popular boys feel up the popular girls and everyone else stands against the walls and watches.
Let Nathan do what he wants, it is none of Duke’s concern. They haven’t really spoken since Christmas break, and Duke is just fine with that. Nathan wants her to come with him to college, now that he’s seen those scores, and he’s digging in his heels in a way that make her want to hit back.
Instead, she and Billy McShaw takes two forties out to the McShaw back pasture. They sit on the fence and drink their booze under the stars the way it ought to be drunk. Billy doesn't try anything, not even after she's too drunk to walk straight. He’s a good guy and she trusts him.
On Monday morning, the story of the Rev catching Nathan and Hannah without a stitch of clothing between them is all over school. Hannah is too ashamed to look anyone in the face and Nathan can't seem to decide if he should be strutting or embarrassed every time some football player claps him on the back.
Duke avoids him as best she can, which is easy enough now that he's taking AP classes and she spends her days in the votech wing.
Nathan shows up on the dock the first day of summer vacation, even though they still aren't really talking to each other. He knows exactly how she prefers to do launch check, and they work around each other without a word.
"What about Hannah?" Duke finally asks. She's heard the rumor mill versions, because nothing that juicy was going to avoid being spread around school, but she wants to hear it from Nathan.
Nathan, on the other hand, doesn't particularly seem to want to tell the story. “It was stupid,” is all he says, but he brings pastries and coffee with him every morning, and lets Duke pick first. It’s the best apology she’s going to get from him.
***
They spend the summer out on the water, when she isn’t running things for Reggie. Nathan is an excellent hand, and the Duke feels steadier on the deck of the Tiger than anywhere else in the world.
This time, she’s the one who kisses Nathan, who pulls his shirt over his head and holds him in her arms.
He kisses her back and all is forgiven, at least for now.
She knows he's not going to let up on her going to college. They've just postponed the fight. For now though, Duke wants the sun and the waves and the press of Nathan's lips against her own.
***
Nathan applies to a list of colleges longer than his arm, and keeps up a steady stream of not-so-subtle encouragements for her to do the same. Her grades really aren’t that bad, Nathan is a terrible influence after all, but she has no interest in anything college holds. Four years of votech classes were bearable, because Duke likes machines, like building things and understanding how they work, but she’s never been one for reading. She’s always been one for knowing the world through her hands, and words just don’t work for her the way they do for Nathan. "Then be an engineer," Nathan says, "they build things."
"I think you have to have Calculus for that," she replies, "and besides, I’d still have to take English and History and stuff. It's not really my thing."
“You’re gonna go to college with me if I have to sit on you,” he replies.
“You better brush up on your sitting skills, then,” she says with a smirk. It’s easy enough to distract Nathan, and five minute later he’s kissing her and the argument is forgotten.
***
They get into it the last day before Christmas break, repeating some horrible cycle Duke wishes she knew how to break.
“UMaine apps are due today,” he says on the front steps of school. “Got to be in by midnight,” he reminds her. His application has been in for weeks, accompanied by sterling letters of recommendation.
“I’m not applying,” she says. Again. It’s like Nathan can’t quite hear these words, the ones the mean he’s going to go to college alone.
“You promised,” he says.
“You promised, I never did,” she replies.
He gets mad and this time she can't distract him. She ruining his future, the one he's built all up in his head where he becomes Haven’s perfect cop and even his father is proud of him. She's in the fantasy too, wearing his ring and standing by his side. She's not sure if she has a job or kids or any part of what makes Duke Duke in her, but Nathan hasn't seemed to think that part through yet.
"I'm not going to college. I was never going to college, Nathan. You knew that."
"Every time I talked about applying you said fine," Nathan says, and she can see the anger welling up inside of him.
The argument grows until they are both yelling, until if the chief was home he'd be coming to investigate. He's not though and there is no reprieve from Nathan's anger.
Finally she gets up and walks away. He doesn't follow.
***
Dylan comes back from prison changed this time. He and Nancy fight all the time, and Duke just can’t stand to be in that house anymore. When the weather is bad, she couch surfs, but as long as she won't freeze in the night, she grabs her sleeping bag and sleeps on the boat. It’s open, but the boat cover works just fine if it starts raining, and the rest of the time the sky is full of stars.
She would leave town now, but there are only a couple weeks left of senior year and Nathan might actually hunt her down and kill her if she doesn’t graduate.
She’s curled into her sleeping bag as the sun comes up over the hull, trying to go back to sleep even as the light shines in her eyes, when Nancy appears.
“Come home, Duke,” she says. Nancy is dressed for work, waiting tables at the same place she always has. “Dylan’s gone to Bangor for at least a month. There’s only a few more weeks of school and your dad would...” Nancy trails off, and Duke wonders for a moment why Nancy even took her in at all. Feeding an extra mouth was never easy, not to mention Duke had to have been a reminder of her father’s inability to stick with any one woman for any length of time. But Nancy has always made sure there was food on the table and never less for Duke then there was for Wade.
“Why?” Duke asks, “I mean, why did you even take me? You could’ve let me go to social services and no one would’ve ever blamed you.”
Nancy shrugs. “Maybe you weren’t mine, but you were still Simon’s. Still family.”
“Okay,” Duke says, “okay.” She climbs down out of the boat, and lets Nancy hug her for the first time in what seems like forever.
***
Prom is stupid, but Duke goes anyway because Nathan asks her to. They aren't going together, just with a group of Nathan's friends (Duke’s friends aren't the type of people who go to prom. Duke’s friends are the type of people who egg the cars of people who go to prom). Nancy gets her a dress from one of the other waitress' daughter who wore it two years ago. It's a dark blue-green, and it mostly fits, and Duke’s never cared about dresses anyway. Still, once she’s all dressed up, with a unfamiliar make up on her face, and shoes a little too tall on her feet, Nancy looks like she’s going to cry. “Oh, honey,” she says instead, and goes to fetch her camera.
Nathan is the one who picks her up and Nancy makes them stand side by side, smiling as she takes picture after picture.
Nathan’s driving his pickup. It’s more rust than truck, but it goes, and he’s saving up for something better anyway. He has plans. More plans than Duke can ever imagine having. Plans for a car, plans for college, plans for a life.
Duke doesn’t like to plan that far ahead, but for tonight, she lets Nathan talk about how they’ll be together forever and how Haven and maybe the whole world will bow down at their feet. He talks about college and a blue Bronco and a future that Duke knows will never happen while they sway to the music in the high school gym.
They sneak out of the dance early.
He’s got a picnic blanket, and they spread it out over the bed of the truck so they can lay down and look up at the stars. Nathan’s always loved the stars, always known the names of the constellations and their stories: Cassiopeia and Orion and Ursa Major.
She lets him tell her again anyway.
After, he wraps her in his dress shirt, and Duke feels suddenly shy. She doesn’t know why. Nathan was just inside of her, if she was going to feel shy it should have been then.
She makes him promise not to tell, but she still kisses him on Nancy's front porch when he drops her off.
***
Duke prides herself in being the only person who can make Nathan lose his cool. Nathan is calm, collected and steady, in a way most grown men would envy, but she can get him yelling in public in under a minute with the right provocation. When they were younger it might be over ice cream or tag or the last red crayon, now it is always because Duke has one foot out the door. Not that either of them ever say that. Duke talks about boats and waves and summer storms. Nathan talks about college and houses and family.
Duke will never understand that last part, for all that she and Nancy and even Wade have become family. Nathan won’t even talk to his father, won’t acknowledge he exists if he doesn’t have to, but he still believes in family and blood in a way that Duke just can’t.
The only reason Duke goes to graduation is because Nathan promises her all sorts of things he probably can't deliver. She’s always sort of liked those promises from Nathan, because she knows even though he’s always going to fail, he’ll try his damnedest first.
Nancy and the Chief both come, which considering as far as Duke can tell, Nathan and his dad haven't exchanged a word in six months, is pretty miraculous. Duke walks across the stage, she does it slow, just to make sure everyone sees. Every single person who thought she’d never make it this far, who wrote Crockers off, who wrote Duke off.
Nathan kisses Duke right there in front of everyone after they throw their mortarboards in the air. She can feel the Chief frowning, but she doesn’t care this once.
***
Nathan picks her up in his pride and joy, the blue Bronco that he put every single cent of his summer jobs for the last three years into. He loves that thing like she loves her boat, deliriously and completely. Maybe that just proves that they are both better at loving things than each other, she doesn’t know.
He's going to college and she isn't going anywhere. They fight more than they talk as the summer wastes away, but the makeup sex makes it bearable.
There are a few good days. They take the Tiger out, and she lets Nathan sink inside her on the rolling deck that they had built together. The sun warms their skin, and if she could Duke would never leave this place. But the sun always sets, and they have to head back to shore.
He’s tender to her the next few days, maybe too much, because it gets her back up, and soon enough they’re screaming at each other again. He’s leaving, leaving her, and she can’t follow him, she never could, she never wanted to. Except now that he’s going it feels almost as if she made the wrong choice. Duke knows she hasn’t, she’s just a little less prepared for how Nathan going away was going to feel.
Nathan loves the land. The town, the people, the little shops and the rocky shore. Duke’s never really gotten that. She's always loved the sea. Loved the crash of waves, the way the world looks when it's just water and sky. Duke loves freedom and the land has always been a trap, confining and grasping. She should be the one to leave. She’s not built to be the one left.
Duke almost doesn’t come to see him off. But he’s Nathan, and she wants to hold him tight just as much as she wants to sock him one in the face, so she arrives on the Wournos’ front porch bright and much too early. The Chief lets her in. He’s a busy man these days, and he and Nathan have never had the best of relationships, but today is different.
There are bacon and eggs and waffles and orange juice, and the Chief treats her like she’s small again, like she and Nathan haven’t been hollering at each other all over town, like she needs a careful hand. Or maybe it’s him who needs the care. Either way, she’s determined that this won’t be a fight. That she’ll let Nathan go, no matter how hard he tries to hold on. He’s got a future, and he should go grab it with both hands.
The eggs are good and when Nathan joins them, he holds her hand under the table.
He clears his plate and takes her empty one too, to rinse off and put in the dishwasher. “I’ve just got one more pile of stuff,” he says to her, and the Chief nods the both of them upstairs.
Nathan's room looks pretty much like it always has. He’s not taking much. It still feels empty somehow, like he’s already gone, and they’re just holding onto the ghost of something long dead. They’ve spent the whole summer not saying goodbye, but it doesn’t matter, it’s the only thing they’ve been doing at all.
“Duke,” he says gently, pulling her close to him, kissing her forehead, her lips.
“Nathan,” she replies, pulling away just slightly.
“I’ll be back for fall break,” he promises.
Duke makes no promises. Doesn’t say she’ll be waiting. Doesn’t say she’ll even be here. Nathan is always the one who makes promises, Duke is the one who breaks them.
She kisses him again, distracts him from the things neither of them is saying.
“Daylight’s burning,” she says instead, and he nods.
He grabs his jacket, and then her hand, and they head down the stairs.
“The car is all packed,” Nathan says to her, but more so the Chief will overhear. Any other day she’d kick him for this, she hates being the way they talk. Today is the day everything ends, though, and so she just nods, and follows him down to the Bronco.
They stand there in the driveway, and suddenly everything is awkward. Nathan’s got on hand on the door handle, and the Chief has his hands in his pockets, and Duke just wants to roll her eyes. She kicks Nathan in the ankle, it’s been her favorite way of communicating with him since they were in kindergarten, and he unwinds just enough to let the Chief hug him once, before he climbs up into the car.
Nathan drives away, and for a moment, the Chief puts a hand on her shoulder, and they stand there together and just breathe.
“I should go,” she says eventually.
“Yeah,” he replies, distracted.
She walks away, but the Chief calls after he. “Wait, Duke, I’m sorry. I know things have been… well. Just, there’s always a spot at the kitchen table for you.”
Maybe this is why family means so much to Nathan, even when he and the Chief can’t or won’t talk. “Thank you,” she says, and he watches as she walks down the front sidewalk and away.
***
With Nathan gone to UMaine, Haven becomes just a place Duke stops to pick up new jobs. She’s working for Reggie pretty much full time these days. She needs a bigger boat to do bigger jobs, but she’s pretty sure she can scrape up the money sooner or later. She always has before.
Sometimes she comes into town when she knows Nathan will be there. He’s always a safe bet, for all that he clings when she walks away again and again. She docks for spring break and fall, for Christmas and for a week or so in the summer. Nathan smiles and they climb up into the aging treehouse and drink the beer Duke always brings. They end up in bed, or against the wall, or on the deck of the Tiger, always twisting themselves around each other, inside each other. But no one can live like that, or maybe it’s just her and Nathan, because by the end of the week, they are always back to yelling. They scream downtown, and on the docks, and on one memorable occasion, the police station. They are always leaving, always left, and neither one of them has ever been good at that.
Duke wins the Cape Rouge in a high stakes poker game that she has no business being anywhere near. She bluffs her way into the game and bluffs her way into the winning hand as well, and then walks away before they can talk her into another round. With a boat like the Cape Rouge she can do business for Reggie alongside some more legitimate trade and make enough to consider it a living. No dock work, and no jobs she doesn’t want to take.
She’s twenty-one and she finally feels like her plan is paying off, like she might just know what she’s doing with her life.
***
Duke is twenty five and she has the Cape Rouge and it is time to go. Staying in Haven will only drive her crazier than she already is. If she stays, it would be to take over Haven’s criminal underground, as pathetic as it is. Duke doesn’t want that. Doing jobs was always for the money, was always to get the boat and get out.
Somehow she just never made the “out” stick.
“You always leave,” Nathan says, rolling his eyes. They’re on the deck of the Tiger, Nathan hates the Cape Rouge, and the sun is shining down on them.
“I’m not coming back this time,” she says. Reggie is getting old, and Patrick is serving a term upstate, and Duke’s the one who runs most of the business these days. She’s really, really good at it. So good she’ll be trapped again if she stays.
“You always come home,” he says, like it’s the credo of his personal faith.
She doesn’t want to argue with him, not on a day like this, so she lets him distract her with a kiss and roving fingers. His skin tastes like sea salt and sweat and Nathan, and she pulls his trunks off so more of her skin can touch his. He’s good at this, better than all the rest of the people Duke has done this with. It’s something about his face as she sinks down on to him, something about the way his fingers know her body just as well as her’s do. This one place is where they have always worked. So she throws her hair back and lifts her face to the sun, and she rides him, his hands on her breasts until they are both crying out their climax.
Duke needs to feel this, wants to remember it. She doesn't tell him she's leaving but his body seems to know.
After, they dive into the ocean, letting the salty sea wash everything away. She has one more day in Haven, but this is how she’s going to say goodbye.
They put the boat into dock and they walk away and Duke thinks this is it, this is the end.
In the morning she gets one last coffee and pastry from Rosemary and when she turns to leave Nathan is blocking the door.
"You're leaving," he says.
"I always was," she replies. He's known she was going for at least a decade now, maybe longer. She's not really sure why he's surprised.
"Don't," she says, because Nathan has always tried to hang on to things for too long.
“Duke, please,” he says.
“I can’t, Nathan. I never could,” she says, and walks away before she changes her mind. She’s leaving, whether today or in a week, and if she stays that week, or that month, or even that year, it will only hurt Nathan more.
He doesn’t follow her.
***
Duke made a promise to her father right before he died that she would come back when the Troubles returned. He never honored his promises, so she has no idea why she's honoring hers. She comes back to Haven anyway, just after she turns thirty five.
It’s been ten years and a hundred countries. She’s been across the equator and the international date-line. She’s been drunk in Thailand, high in South Africa, lonely in Vancouver. She’s been in love under the cherry blossom of Kyoto, been ecstatic in the streets of Mumbai during Holi, been married on the sands of the Florida Keys. She has money now, a boat, a life. But Haven calls, and for all Duke’s always thought she was only built for leaving, she goes home when word reaches her that the Troubles are back.
The Cape Rouge slips into port on a Tuesday morning and by the afternoon she has a permanent slip.
She may or may not be carrying some illegal cargo, but Duke knows what she’s doing, and whatever is in the box currently dangling over the side, it’s worth a lot of money. Enough to make the decision to come back to Haven easier, at least.
She doesn’t mean to fall back into bed with Nathan. It just sort of happens. She’s been in dock less than a day when he finds her and they’re both drunk on tequila and nostalgia three hours later. She kisses him after his fifth shot. This should be easier to avoid at thirty five than it was at twenty five or fifteen, but Duke can't seem to help herself when it comes to Nathan. “I can’t,” Nathan says with her hands down his pants.
“You can’t,” she says, pulling away and giving him an incredulous look.
“No, I mean.” He stops, trying to find the right words. “I can’t feel anything.”
It takes a lot more doing, but she takes him to bed, and muscle memory and a dirty mouth get them were they were headed anyway.
After, as Nathan curls inside her arms, she watches a little of the tension he’s been holding since she saw him again loosen. She thinks then that maybe this time they can figure this thing out. They survived the Troubles last time, and Duke doesn’t believe half the stories Vince’s boys tell anyway.
***
They settle into something of a routine. She makes short trips, hangs around docks, and generally makes a nuisance of herself. Nathan tries to catch her with something she shouldn’t have, he fails, and they fall into bed. It’s not exactly normal, but its comfortable.
And then she rescues Audrey Parker from the water and nothing is the same ever again.