Chapter Text
Part of the human experience is becoming acutely accustomed to emotion. Happiness, sadness, anger, confusion. A parade of onslaughts that characterized your condition as human.
Years and years of growing accustomed to various feelings ranging from childishness to unreasonable hormones to stress. Growing, learning, and eventually coming to understand and then manage these things were vital to becoming a happy, successful adult.
However, nothing in the nine hells or beyond could have prepared you for the blind fury you felt in that moment. You thought ‘seeing red’ was just a saying.
It wasn’t.
You thought blind rage was a saying as well.
It also wasn’t.
You didn’t exactly remember leaving Hux’s office. You did, however, remember the bright shade of red his cheeks turned as you began incoherently mumbling, tearing at your hair, and hissing out expletives, several of which you weren’t entirely sure Hux even knew existed before your arrival.
He hadn’t reprimanded you however, and neither did he stop you. In fact, he seemed to relax his stance, allowing you to continue on your hateful tirade. Either way, you weren’t concerned with his body language, or even him at all, for that matter. You asked for permission to leave, and he immediately granted it, allowing you to clomp out of his office in a whirlwind of vitriolic anger.
Unbelievable. Un- fucking- believable. You stormed down the halls, only one destination in mind. One person, more accurately. You were going to find Ren, and you were going to tear his fucking head off. Supreme Leader’s bitch or no, he had meddled in your life one too many times.
You approached the main desk of command center B, heels clicking angrily as you stomped across the tile. That enough garnered the attention of the secretary, who peered up from his datapad pensively only to be met with your wrought iron fury. His brow creased, preparing himself for whatever hell you brought with your presence.
“I need to see Commander Ren. I need his coordinates.” You spoke, barely holding back your contempt. He moved to give a programmed response, but you spoke again, leaving no room for argument. “ Now .”
He grimaced, typing in a few things on his datapad before turning back to you. “Commander Ren is busy presently. I can send a message if you have the clearance.”
You leaned onto the desk, pushing your face close to his. “You tell Commander Ren that his personal secretary wants a word. Immediately.”
The man’s brows furrowed in confusion. “Commander Ren doesn’t have a personal secretary.”
“He does now.” You hissed, lip twitching.
A small amount of fear crossed his face. “I’ll see what I can do.”
He scurried off down a hallway, no doubt to ask a superior about what exactly he was supposed to do about the stark raving mad woman demanding the Commander. You felt for him. You had been there. You could almost laugh. Almost.
He returned a few moments later, looking a few shades paler. “Commander Ren is in his office. Would you like an escort?”
“Not necessary.” You took off, barely sparing him a glance. You knew you’d feel bad for acting like this eventually. You made a small note to send him something nice. You swiped your card, pounding your access code into the number pad after coming awfully close to throwing your datapad while accessing it. Any anxiety you felt was swallowed whole by your temper.
The trek to the office was a blur. The greys, blacks, and silvers of your surroundings all blending into one nauseating blur, mixing into the rage you felt. Your hands were shaking and your stomach protested the overflow of emotions, but in that moment you felt raw. It cushioned the walk, allowing you to stew in your own indignation until you reached the familiar hallway that you and Commander Ren shared.
When you reached his door, you realized you didn’t know his access code. Growling in irritation, you began pounding your fists on the door. The rooms might be soundproof, but the doors damn sure weren’t.
“Ren! I know you’re in there, Ren!” Your hand slammed against the metal repetitively. “Open this damn door! I know you can hear me!” You went from angrily knocking to full on pounding the door. “Ren!”
After several moments, the door hissed, sliding open deftly in front of you. Commander Ren was seated at his desk, staring at his datapad intently. You advanced forward, letting your anger guide you until you stood directly in front of his desk. He didn’t move his head as you entered, opting to continue staring at the pad in front of him.
“Subordinate.”
If you weren’t already so furious, you might have chuckled at his pettiness. You knew for a fact his gloves were probably still slick from the night before. Instead, it only served to stoke the magma inside your belly.
“Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?” You slammed your hands on his desk. He didn’t react, refusing to acknowledge your outburst. You waited a moment before your patience reached its peak.
“Answer me, Ren! Or are you deaf under that helmet?”
You were playing with fire and you knew it. Just because certain parts of him knew the inside of you intimately didn’t mean he wouldn’t still hack you into neatly chopped pieces. You couldn’t bring yourself to care at the moment. Your eyes didn’t leave his visor, even as your mind tried to remind you of this.
Slowly, he brought his face up to meet yours. He said nothing for several minutes, choosing to stare at you instead. You reminded silent as well, staring him down and refusing to fall for his manipulations. You cocked a brow and nodded your head, as if to prompt his answer. He relented.
“You forget your place.”
You scoffed in surprise, nearly thrown back by the weight of his indifference. “My place? My place? My place was supposed to be in a new quarter counting the new credits from my new promotion! You saw to it that this is not the case! So my place is right here! From now until the unforeseeable future!”
He tilted his head ever so slightly, keeping still. “You are displeased at this.”
“Displeased? Oh, displeased doesn’t even begin to touch it, Ren!” You swept your nails across his desk with an awful screech. “What is your vendetta against me? You either hate my guts or you’re inside me. There’s no middle! Fine! If that’s how you like things, whatever! But this was supposed to be temporary!”
He remained unmoved, allowing you to finish your rant.
“I’ve worked my ass off to be where I am! And then you come along and suddenly I hit a brick wall and I’m back to your secretary? Are you kidding me? You don’t even need a secretary! I know damn well you’ve never had one before, and you can do everything I can do for yourself! Are you doing this to spite me? I’m sorry, did I not swallow you deep enough to please you? Was I not tight enough for your liking?”
For the first time, he shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
“I do my job, and I do it damn well! I’ve never had a complaint before you! I know damn well that you requested this personally! What is your fucking problem with me? You hate me! Why would you want me around even more? Just to ruin my life?”
You were shouting now. Screaming at the Lord Commander of the Knights of Ren as if he were a tiny child. How did you end up here? The revelation took you back a bit. You weren’t dead. He hadn’t even moved for his saber. A stark silence stood for a few moments before he responded.
“The Supreme Leader-“
That stroked your fire anew. He was not going to wiggle out of this by playing the daddy card. “Don’t EVEN try and put this off on the Supreme Leader! You expect me to believe that the Supreme Leader gives a damn about me? Oh no, no. This is all you, pal!” Your pointer finger found it’s way into his chest accusingly.
A dark huff slipped through his vocoder, and his hand snapped up to yours where it rested on his chest, coiling his fingers around your hand and pulling. You yelped as you were drawn halfway across his desk, legs keeping their leverage on the ground by one foot only. He drew closer to you, helmet pressed against your forehead.
“There are things in the work, girl. Things you cannot possibly comprehend yet. I have tolerated your impudence and your brattiness. You are approaching your boundaries.” He pushed his head closer, and you strained to see his eyes through the tinted glass of his helmet. “You will learn to behave and take orders.”
You whimpered from the sheer ferocity of his voice. Your anger still stirred, but like a kitten held by the scruff of its neck, you settled. He held you, unrelenting for a few moments before you could bring yourself to speak. “Sir?”
“Yes, subordinate?”
“You said your weren’t swayed by anything. You don’t like me. So why are you ruining my life? Why not let me go?” Tears threatened to spring your eyes, rage and sadness forming a tide. “Why are you taking this from me?”
He kept your hand in his grasp, refusing to relent. You felt your throat falter. You were so angry, but despair crawled up to join the party. You had to swallow it down. “Why are you so set on hurting me?” You whispered.
He pulled his hand away instantly, letting you fall off balance and smack against the floor before his desk. Humiliation and hate raged inside you, but mainly, defeat. A small, defiant tear leaked from the corner of your eye. He turned his head, refusing to look at you.
“This is not about you, girl. Do not be so arrogant as to believe that this was my choice. You are nothing, and without you, the First Order would still carry forward. You will obey the Supreme Leader’s will, as we all must. You will show up here on time and competent tomorrow, and you will cease this childish behavior immediately.”
You sat on the floor, legs splayed and moisture building up behind your lids, completely blown backwards by his cruelty and callousness. This was the man you continuously allowed to violate you? Had you really been so starved for any form of contact that you allowed yourself to forget that this thing could never truly feel for anyone but himself?
I would rather cut off my own arm than spend another fucking minute in your presence, let alone allow you to touch me ever again.
You could have sworn you saw his body twitch as you thought it, but he kept his head turned from you. You pushed yourself off the floor, smoothing your skirt and swallowing the horrifying ache lodged in your throat.
“Yes sir.”
Without another word, you turned and left his office, refusing to spare Ren another glance. You had been foolish to let this get so out of hand. Some part of you had wanted to forget that it was Kylo Ren under that mask. Just wanted to believe he was a nameless, faceless inconsequential that somehow knew just what to say and what to do to turn you into a molten puddle in his fingers.
But it was Kylo Ren under there. The Jedi Killer. A madman. A murderer.
As you stalked down the hall determined to compose yourself before reaching the main hallway, you could have sworn you heard the sounds of a lightsaber igniting and smashing through a desk from behind you.