Archive of Our Own ^beta

Hawaii, April 6, 2017

Namjoon feels nauseous. The longer he goes without saying something, the worse it gets. They're crammed into a van before he gets the chance to fix things.

"Tae, I'm sorry. About earlier." Taehyung looks up from his phone, searches Namjoon's face for a moment.

He shrugs, turns his attention back to his game, "S'alright."

And Namjoon deserves that. Deserves a lot more, honestly. But it still hurts. There's more that he should say to make things right, but he isn't even sure how he'd explain. Namjoon swallows down the lump in his throat and readjusts in his seat so he's facing forward. He can't help but clench his fists when he feels Taehyung shuffle a little farther from him, arranging himself so their thighs no longer brush.

He's really fucked things up.

Seoul, February 28, 2017

Sometimes, it feels like too much.

Namjoon would never say that, never breathe the oppressive thoughts into life, but that doesn't stop them from swimming around in his head.

They've won a Daesang, something that felt like a hopeless pipedream. It feels like they're just getting started, which is as exhilarating as it is terrifying.

Namjoon remembers the years of 'fake it 'til you make it' as their only motto. When they would have meet ups with forty odd fans and put on a face like they deserved to be anything more. Because if they couldn't convince themselves, how could they expect to convince anyone else? Setting his jaw and sticking to the dream he'd put everything on. Sleeping in a crowded room with exhaustion and desperation flowing through his veins.

He knew they had potential, there was never any doubt about that – it was always more a matter of whether or not they could live up to it. There were so many things he couldn't predict, couldn't control. It was hard to just sit back and do his part. To leave so much of it to the universe to decide.

He still can't believe it. It terrifies him. They're weeks away from the first international leg of their world tour, preparing to jump from country to country, hotel to hotel. They've had a few days off after wrapping up YNWA promotions, and none of them have had the energy to do much more than lounge or sleep (Or in Jeongguk's case, release a new song cover. Namjoon gets tired just thinking about how incapable Jeongguk is of resting, even for a moment).

The problem is that Namjoon is stressed, to the point that his tired, overworked brain won't let him escape with sleep.

How is he going to handle doing so much of the talking on tour? What if he says the wrong thing – gets all of them in trouble with his well-intended but off mark words? He already feels like he often monopolizes during interviews and he hates it. But now there'll be another layer of expectation, in making sure their fans understand at the expense of his brothers.

Tonight he's tried taking a warm bath in the hopes that it will help him sleep. He can't be sure if it's worked, he does feel tired. But that's nothing new. He flops onto his bed face first, limbs sprawled like a starfish and groaning loudly in distress. Taehyung wheels out of his side of their bedroom on his rolly chair, Namjoon can hear him dragging himself along with his slippered feet.

"Holding up okay, hyung?"

Namjoon gives Taehyung a thumbs up, face still pressed into his pillow.

"Very convincing."

"Thanks," Namjoon knows the sound is muffled, but just can't bring himself to move.

"What's up?" Namjoon hears Taehyung shuffle closer, until he feels something – most likely the arm of Taehyung's chair – bump into his mattress.

Namjoon sighs, thinking through how to answer. He's the leader – it’s his responsibility to talk to the members, make sure they're communicating and functioning as a unit. It's part of the job. Roping Taehyung into his pity party isn't. Still, it doesn't seem like Taehyung plans on giving up. Namjoon turns so he can see Taehyung, who's kicking off his slippers and bringing his now bare feet up onto Namjoon's bed.

"Just – tired."

Taehyung hums at this, "having trouble sleeping?"

Namjoon nods.

"Thinking too much?" He follows up, checking something underneath his nail. He looks relaxed in a way that Namjoon can't help but be envious of. He's in a loose grey t-shirt – threadbare with wear – and plaid boxers, the picture of comfort. Namjoon doubts either of those items are even his. When they're at home Taehyung dresses as casual and comfy as he can get away with, and that seems to mean stealing other people's clothes.

When Namjoon doesn't reply, Taehyung continues, "who am I kidding, it's you." He smirks at Namjoon, and shifts in his chair so that he can spread his legs out farther, the toes of his left foot getting uncomfortably close to Namjoon's face. Namjoon can handle that. What he's less fond of is the way Taehyung's boxers ride up from the movement, seam pressing tight against his groin. The gap between his thigh and the material gives Namjoon an unwanted view of hairy testicle. He turns his face back into the pillow, groaning loudly.

"What, my feet smell?"

"Put your balls away, dude."

 "I think they spend enough time cooped up, hyung. Don't take this chance at freedom from them."

"Did you just come here to expose yourself?"

Taehyung huffs at this, "I'm wearing more than you."

"Yeah, but my underwear is doing its job. Yours is just lulling people into a false sense of security."

"Nothing you haven't seen before." Taehyung sounds almost hurt now, put off that Namjoon wouldn't want to take a sneaky peek at his genitals.

Namjoon lets out a sigh, turning his head once more to look at Taehyung. He purposely avoids glancing anywhere near his crotch. "Sorry Taehyung. You've got some great private bits, real top notch. But I haven't slept properly in weeks and now that I have the chance I can't. And I'm overtired, and frustrated. It's nothing against your balls. Which I still don't want to see." Taehyung had been pouting, but as Namjoon's speech goes on his expression evens out.

"Want a massage?"

It's something close to the opposite of what Namjoon expects him to say. "... where did that come from?"

Taehyung shrugs, "take it or leave it, hyung. You're stressed, massages are good for that shit. Plus, I'm feeling a little generous. You were very kind in your assessment of my man meat." His grin is near conniving.

"Taehyung, seriously?" Taehyung raises an eyebrow, and Namjoon realizes he'd be a fool to pass up a free massage. "Fine. But spare me the dick analogies, please."

"Balls are free game, though, right?"

"Yours have been free all along."

"Fair point." Taehyung crawls onto the bed, seating himself on Namjoon's lower back. He wiggles around a bit, just to mess with Namjoon. "Got any lotion?"

"Mm, behind the lamp." Namjoon can feel Taehyung's weight shift as he reaches to grab it, careful not to knock into any of Namjoon's Ryan plushies leaning precariously between the edge of his bed and the bedside table. He hears the rattling of items as he unceremoniously feels his way towards the tube. Once he's got it he shifts back above him and there's a moment of calm. Namjoon's about to ask if something's up when he hears the tell-tale squelch of expelling lotion. It's all the warning he gets before a gratuitous, freezing lump lands on his spine, halfway up his back. He whines despite himself, and Taehyung laughs.

"Think this is making me more stressed."

"Trust the process, hyung."

Namjoon hums a noncommittal response, trying not to tense too much as he waits for Taehyung to make a move.

He's more than a little relieved when he feels Taehyung spreading the lotion around, though he can't help but shiver at the chill. He starts fairly gentle, mostly just moving it all around until his back is sufficiently slippery and the cold has dissipated. Namjoon lets out a soft sigh, relaxing into the feeling as Taehyung pushes out from either side of his spine with the heel of his palms. He starts up near his shoulders and works his way down, press firm and steady. When he gets to Namjoon's lower back he brings his hands back together and pushes all the way up to his neck, shifting to dig his thumbs into the muscle of his shoulders. Namjoon shudders at the motion, bones turning to liquid in his chest.

He spends so much time feeling out of reach – floating above everything and everyone important to him. Always looking out for everyone but never quite feeling a part of things. Which is ridiculous, he knows they're a team, knows that they're his friends. But there's this distance his title puts between them that he's never quite been able to shake. Usually it's not so bad, he can chalk it up to part of the job. But everything is just so much lately, and he's felt farther and farther from where he should be. The weight of Taehyung’s body and hands pressed heavy against his back feels like it's bringing him back to earth.

Namjoon's always felt a little... unsure about where he stands with Taehyung. In some ways, he feels pretty close to him. He's admitted that he doesn't feel a distance between them because of Namjoon's leadership role, and while Namjoon supposes that could be seen as some sort of cocky irreverence, it makes him really happy to know.

In other ways, though, Taehyung feels more distant than even himself. He's charming and friendly, but there's a layer of reserve there. He's closed off in the most peculiar of ways, but Namjoon figures they've all got their things. They share their time, their space, their lives – it’s only natural to want to keep some stuff to yourself.

He can't remember the last time he had a massage just for the sake of a massage. Not for a tight muscle or to relieve a painful cramp. Focusing on Taehyung, on the way his hands work every bit of tension out of his body, leaves his mind remarkably clear.

Taehyung pushes harder now, working out the knots that always get so bad just under his shoulder blades, and Namjoon makes a noise somewhere between pain and relief. Taehyung huffs out a laugh and continues.

He could almost fall asleep like this, if Taehyung stayed away from the knots. His eyes feel heavy even so. Taehyung uses the weight of his body to press harder, and it jostles Namjoon slightly underneath him. It's then that Namjoon notices that he's starting to get hard. He isn't particularly horny, Taehyung's hands feel nice, and he's the most relaxed he's felt in weeks. He still feels a bit embarrassed and tries to will his blood flow to even out in a less compromising pattern.

"How's it feel?" Taehyung asks, in the way a child asks if they're doing good. He's searching for praise in such an obvious manner, but Namjoon thinks he deserves it.

"S'good." It comes out more sigh than anything, and Taehyung hums in response, something deep that has Namjoon shivering. Taehyung's voice isn't really helping his problem, but it's not like he can ask him to shut up.

"You know we're here for you, right?" That throws Namjoon off, a welcome distraction.

"Uh, yeah. We're a team." Namjoon responds.

"I mean, yeah. But you get the short end of the stick." Namjoon doesn't reply. It's not fair to complain when he's been given such a great opportunity. "We're hellions sometimes, hyung. I know how much we put you through. But that's – we’re still here."

Namjoon isn't sure what to say, isn't sure where Taehyung's going with this. Taehyung's hands are on his lower back, thumbs sprawled towards his spine and fingers wrapped loosely around his waist. Namjoon tries his best not to squirm.

"You're gonna do great, hyung. We trust you, just trust yourself."

"It's not that easy," Namjoon says, wishing he sounded more sure.

Taehyung doesn't answer for a while. It feels like forever, but it's more like 7.5 seconds (If the count Namjoon is keeping in his head is to be trusted). Then he leans forward, and Namjoon holds his breath. Feels Taehyung's breath on his nape, warm and soft. Then – he feels it. A kiss, right at the base of his neck. It's barely there but still, Namjoon feels his entire body tingle in response. He's so caught up in the feeling, in the treacherous pounding of his heart – that he almost misses Taehyung's next words.

"You don't always have to handle this stuff alone, hyung. If you let us in we can help."

Namjoon's lungs are starting to strain with the breath he's been holding, but he's afraid to move. Afraid to break whatever fragile thing has formed between them in this moment. He doesn't want it to end and that – that scares him more than anything.

But nothing lasts forever, and it’s moments later when Taehyung is shifting off of Namjoon's back, and Namjoon's breath comes out of him in a disappointed sigh. He wants to look, to see what that was to Taehyung, what it was supposed to mean, how he's supposed to feel. But if he doesn't look, then he can't be let down. If he doesn't look, maybe he won't have to deal with it.

"Night, hyung." Taehyung says, turning off the lights as he rolls his chair back to his side of the room.

Namjoon doesn't sleep that night.

Seoul, August 12, 2012

It's funny, Namjoon thinks, how inaccurate first impressions can be. How when he looks back at the first time he met Taehyung, everything he thought was so off.

He shows up in a flashy red jacket, all big ears and lanky limbs. He isn't shy, but he's definitely something. At first Namjoon thinks it must be for show, some sort of grab at attention to make himself seem more interesting. He's talking to them all like they're going to be best friends, while wearing something worth far too many meals for any of them to feel comfortable around. He's spoiled, a little awkward, and way out of his depth.

Namjoon does his best to get to know him, he's the leader after all and they're going to have to make nice. It doesn't take long for his perceptions to shift when he sees that Taehyung's really just a confused country boy playing dress up.

▽

"My mom saved up to buy me that jacket." They're laying sprawled on the bedroom floor, waiting for their turns in the shower. Hoseok's washing off, Yoongi's talking to his mom in the living room, and Jeongguk will probably show up once they're all asleep. Namjoon turns to look at Taehyung's sweaty profile, takes in the soft smile on his face.

"Why?"

"She was afraid I wouldn't fit in." He turns to Namjoon, and his face shows that he gets the irony.

"How long did it take you to figure out how misguided that was?" Namjoon asks, smiling when Taehyung laughs at his deadpan tone.

"Few days, maybe." Namjoon remembers Taehyung wearing the jacket almost every day for the first few weeks.

"Why'd you keep wearing it?"

Taehyung shrugs, "she spent all that money on it. Figured I'd just take it as a challenge, see if I could win you." Namjoon fills in the gaps, understands the gist of what he's trying to say. Learning Taehyung lingo is another thing he wasn't expecting to go through.

Namjoon shifts back to look at the ceiling, "shoulda known sooner. You didn't even know how the busses worked."

"Ah, hyung!" Taehyung elbows him, "kick me while I'm down." He sits up and fixes Namjoon with a pout. It's ridiculous and horrible and it absolutely works.

"You're getting better, Taehyung-ah." His voice is soft, fond. He's not sure where it comes from but suddenly everything feels much more serious. "Hyung will help you, that's what I'm here for."

When Taehyung smiles, really, genuinely smiles – it takes up his whole face and stirs something unnamed in Namjoon's heart.

Seoul, March 5, 2017

Namjoon can't sleep.

For once, it's not even his fault. Taehyung is playing some sort of game on his computer without headphones and it's driving Namjoon crazy.

He checks his phone for the time.

5:27 am. Namjoon is exhausted, and he's sure Taehyung is too. He doesn't know how he's doing it.

"Taehyung," he says, voice as placating as he can muster, "you should really go to bed."

"Sure thing," Taehyung answers, not even bothering to pause the game.

Namjoon wants to lash out. He wants to call Taehyung out on being disrespectful. But he's also far too tired to deal with the sort of fight that would inevitably cause. So he takes a deep breath and starts counting in his head. He loses track after the first few hundred. Keeps telling himself, just one more hundred, then I'll do something.

Finally, when he can’t take it anymore, he checks his phone again. 6:10 am.

He's done his best. His efforts were valiant, his motives pure, but there are some things that just can't be ignored.

Namjoon pads his way over to Taehyung, following the offensive light coming off the desktop. "Taehyung, turn the game off. Now."

Taehyung pauses the game and looks up at him. He's annoyed, Namjoon can tell. That's even more frustrating – that after being such an inconvenience he'd have the gall to act like Namjoon is the one in the wrong. "How exactly are you gonna make me do that?"

Namjoon's fists clench at his sides. When did Taehyung get so petulant? The first retorts that come to mind aren't particularly nice, so he thinks for a moment on how to diffuse the situation. Taehyung can be a pain, but he's rarely this blatantly aggressive. Maybe it's just because he's tired, but it almost feels like he's egging Namjoon on. Like he's trying to get a reaction out of him. It's been a few days since – since whatever it was that happened happened between them. Namjoon is pretending nothing occurred even as he's constantly running the events over in his mind. Taehyung hasn't tried to talk to him about it, but if Namjoon thinks back he's been a little more annoying than usual. Is Taehyung trying to... goad him into action?

Namjoon figures if the roles were reversed he'd be mortified. He'd be stressing out about whether Taehyung was keeping quiet because he hates him, or because he doesn't want to mess up the team, or, or, or.

The only consistency lately has been Namjoon's inaction. Taehyung has every right to be frustrated with being left in the dark, with having no clue what Namjoon is thinking, what he wants.

Namjoon isn't even sure what he wants.

But Taehyung is giving him a chance right now. There were probably better ways to go about it, sure. But it's still an opportunity. It's just the two of them here, in their dimly lit shared bedroom. Taehyung is looking at him like he's waiting for him to make a move – and Namjoon could. He could meet Taehyung's gaze with confidence, could brace one arm on the back of Taehyung's stupid rolly chair. He could clear up all the ambiguity right now. His eyes shift to Taehyung's lips along with his focus. What's Namjoon going to do to make Taehyung turn off the game? It would be so easy to just lean in and kiss him – a surefire way to distract him, at the very least.

Namjoon lets out a heavy breath. He turns and goes back to bed, fear and disappointment fighting for his heart as he crawls in under the covers and wishes they would swallow him whole.

He can hear Taehyung's defeated sigh. Listens as he shuts off the game and gets into bed.

Newark, March 23, 2017

The next time it happens, Taehyung comes to him.

He’s been a little on edge since they arrived, distant memories of how things fell apart the last time they were here – backlash and death threats and cancelled concerts. It’s one of the biggest reasons he gets so stressed about being in America. Namjoon knows he’s messed up in the past, and he’s tried his best to learn from those events, but even thinking about how things happened is enough to make him feel almost nauseous with guilt.

Maybe that’s why Taehyung comes. Everyone knows how bad he feels about things, about the memories being here drags up. Jimin was especially tactile on the trip from the airport, picking up on the way Namjoon just doesn’t seem to know how to ask for a hug when he needs one. Hoseok came and hung out in his room for a bit just after they checked in this morning, so he isn’t left alone with his own thoughts too long. Namjoon appreciates it, and can’t help but feel lucky at being surrounded by people that care so much.

He's curled up in his hotel bed scrolling through twitter when he hears the soft knock. At first Namjoon thinks it might be a manager, but it's too late for anything other than an emergency.  He glances through the peephole and sees Taehyung. Wrapped in a bathrobe and flush from the shower, warped strangely through the glass. His heart skips traitorously. He lets him in.

Taehyung offers little more than a soft smile before walking past him to fall back first into his bed.

"Your hair's all wet."

Taehyung lifts his head up off the duvet but makes no move to get up.

Namjoon sighs, walking towards the bed when Taehyung tells him to turn off the lights. Namjoon does as he's told, and Taehyung shifts over to the far side of the bed to make room for him. Namjoon shuffles in, facing away from Taehyung. He focuses on the soft light of the hall coming from under the hotel door.

"Couldn't sleep?" Namjoon asks, wondering how closely this evening will parallel the one he's been thinking about ever since.

Taehyung hums, "sleep better holding someone."

Namjoon isn't sure what to say to that, and they fall into a brief silence until Taehyung starts squirming.

"What are you doing?"

"Taking off the robe."

Namjoon isn't quite sure what to do with that. He figures it's best for everyone if he doesn't think too much about it. He feels Taehyung shuffle closer until a hand worms it's way between his arm and ribs, a pair of bare knees pressed in against the backs of his own. Taehyung's forehead is pressed against his shoulder, and Namjoon hears him murmur "is this okay?"

Namjoon nods, intertwining his fingers with Taehyung's across his chest. Taehyung sighs contentedly into the skin of his back, and Namjoon can't contain the shiver that runs down his spine.

Everything has felt on edge since that night. They haven't talked about it, but it's all Namjoon can do to keep his eyes from following Taehyung whenever he enters the room. He wonders how long he's been fooling himself into thinking his feelings weren't like that. All it took was a few kind words and a brush of lips for him to abandon all hope of ignoring it anymore. He wonders if Taehyung knows how he feels. If he realizes Namjoon's been quiet and avoidant because he's terrified and not because he doesn't care – if he's just tired of waiting for Namjoon to make a move. He doesn't know what this means to Taehyung, can barely grasp what it might mean to himself. But for once in his life, he doesn't want to overthink it. Taehyung is a warm and comforting presence against him, and that's enough for now.

▽

 "Hyung, wake up." Taehyung is poking and prodding at Namjoon, hitting all his sensitive spots with unfair accuracy.

"Why are you up. Leave me alone." Namjoon whines, voice thick with sleep. "What time is it?"

"Too early. I just thought of something."

"I'm so proud, I knew it was only a matter of time." Namjoon smiles to himself as he speaks, almost anticipates the way Taehyung digs his fingers into his sides in response. He's too impressed by his own half-conscious wit to be particularly upset.

 "Teach me English."

Namjoon tries to open his eyes, and it's still not quite light outside. Taehyung really woke him up in the middle of the night to ask him a favour.

"Why? More importantly, why now?"

Taehyung drops back on the bed, wrapping around Namjoon like a koala. "I told you. You don't have to do everything alone."

The range of emotions that go through Namjoon's chest as he thinks back to what Taehyung had said not even a month ago are intense and near overwhelming. "Go back to sleep," he says in English, trying very, very hard not to smile.

"Sleep?" Taehyung repeats back, a little dopey and confused, "is that a yes, hyung?"

Namjoon weaves his fingers through Taehyung's, "not if you don't let me go back to sleep you hellion."

Taehyung settles in a little more, "nah, you still would," he informs Namjoon, easily calling his bluff, "you love me."

Seoul, May 15, 2013

They've just finished filming their first log altogether. Well, with everyone but Taehyung. It's hard for Namjoon to focus knowing that Taehyung is sitting on the other side of the door listening to them talk about all their messages of support and how they're going to be filming their first music video on the weekend.

The higher-ups seem to think keeping a hidden member will create a buzz once they finally debut, and they've done their best to convince Taehyung it'll make him seem cool and mysterious. Everyone knows how worried he is about it. He's watched the rest of them start to create their images on twitter and the fancafe, looked longingly on as they excitedly read their first fanmail. One by one they file out to get some sleep or to ice their achy muscles once they're finished filming, but Taehyung hangs back in the studio.

"How're you holding up, Tae?"

Taehyung collapses on the couch, "what if they don't like me, hyung? What if they think the band was better without me?"

Namjoon feels for him, he really does. It sucks to see Taehyung so torn up about things. He's not exactly a fan of the secret member scheme, but it's not really his place to say anything.

He'd be lying if he said he wasn't worried about Taehyung's reception. He thinks back to his first impressions of Taehyung, how quirky and unconventional he seemed. It took Namjoon a while to see past that, and that was after living with him constantly.

Taehyung is ridiculous, and silly, but he's also kind and sweet and so, so, driven. He'd hate for people not to see that. He takes off the sunglasses he'd put on for the log – another enforcement of the higher ups – and meets Taehyung's eyes.

"What would you wanna tell the fans? How would you introduce yourself?"

Taehyung throws up a peace sign, using it to frame his chin, "I'm V."

Namjoon laughs, "that's it? That's all you've got?"

Taehyung drops his hand and grumbles, "why would I tell you? What's that gonna do."

Namjoon pats the seat of the computer chair next to him, "get up here. We're gonna record a log."

Taehyung sighs, "I wish."

"I'm serious," Namjoon starts, "even if it doesn't get posted, you're gonna have to get used to doing this sort of thing. Just because we got a head start doesn't mean you're not a part of this."

Taehyung gives him one more look to make sure he's serious, and then he's sitting next to Namjoon. "2013, May 17, Rap Monster and V's log..."

Namjoon watches as Taehyung talks about his own sore muscles and how excited he is to meet everyone – and can't help but think that he's a natural.

Chicago, March 25, 2017

Chicago lives up to its name. It's windy and cold, but still beautiful in a way Namjoon has only seen in a few places. The architecture and old-style brick buildings everywhere give the city a comfortable feeling, even in the bleary grey of the last legs of winter.

It's nice to arrive somewhere without feeling jetlagged, and he takes in the city while they make their way from the airport to their hotel. They've gotten here a few days early which is great. There's only so much traveling one person can take. Namjoon is already looking forward to doing a little more than rehearsing and performing before going back to the airport.

Namjoon has his head leaning against the window, trying to read the store names as they pass by. The window is cold against his skin, but it also vibrates his entire head. He tries to stick it out but his teeth are chattering against one another from the force so he leans away with a sigh, looking past his reflection to the street. There's something about car rides. Bus rides, more so, but car rides too. Where Namjoon can just put in a pair of headphones and pretend he's some mysterious character in a movie headed to destinations unknown with his music of choice as the soundtrack for the adventure to come. Maybe he's a little more jetlagged than he thought.

They've been slowly making their way through traffic when he feels the tap on his shoulder. He pops out a headphone and leans back to hear what Taehyung wants to say to him. He isn't sure when he got so good at taking inventory of where Taehyung is. When the distance between them started lingering in the back of his mind above and beyond the rest of the members.

They slept cuddled up together last night and if Namjoon thinks about it he can remember how it felt to be wrapped up in Taehyung's arms. He kind of wants to scream – just let out the tension of whatever's going on to give himself some peace. But he's an adult. He can treat Taehyung like everyone else and not act like his world is off kilter.

So he leans back into his seat to show Taehyung he’s listening, and waits for him to speak. He doesn't look back, he's only human.

"You wanna go to the Art Institute with me?" Taehyung asks, and Namjoon can hear the hopefulness in his voice. He wonders why Taehyung is asking him. He knows Hoseok enjoys museums too. He doesn't ask Taehyung that though. Doesn't want to risk him retracting his offer. He just nods his agreement and tries not to feel too excited about what's to come.

▽

Jimin, Hoseok, Seokjin, and Yoongi end up wanting to go to the aquarium so they end up taking a van together. The four of them get dropped off first and Namjoon doesn’t envy them when he sees the lines.

The film crew wants to get some shots of the two of them, so they wander on the lakefront for a while, freezing cold and trying to act natural. Recording isn’t allowed in the museum so they take their time, sitting on the cold concrete stairs and looking out at the seemingly endless body of water. It’s a nice moment, though. Namjoon gets Taehyung to take a few pictures of him and they chat for a while. He can almost pretend it’s real, that the two of them are just normal people. Sightseeing the city on a windy spring day.

▽

There are pros and cons to being abroad. For the most part they're less likely to be recognized when they aren't home. But the culture around celebrities other places is always so jarring. It never fails to put Namjoon a little on edge.

They're making their way through the museum with their bodyguards. It seems ridiculous, and definitely ruins any sort of attempt at normalcy Namjoon was pretending they could attain – but he’d be lying if he said he wasn't a little grateful. Taehyung makes a beeline for the Van Gogh and Namjoon trails after him, catching glances at the old furniture and knick-knacks they pass on their way.

Namjoon spots someone taking pictures of Taehyung and feels something sour in the pit of his stomach. He waits until they're gone before telling Taehyung he's gonna go check another exhibit. Taehyung looks a little confused, maybe a little hurt even. But he nods and tells Namjoon to have fun.

He doesn't want pictures of them together. Well, maybe he does. But not like that. Namjoon wants to take pictures with Taehyung, to create memories with Taehyung, but he doesn’t like the way their real, unfiltered interactions can just be taken and analyzed, broken down into theories and hypotheses. He notices a few people taking his picture as he makes his way through some of the older European art. It’s overwhelming enough to look at the colours and scenes people have created throughout time – to wrap his head around the fact that people made these amazing pieces long before he was born and that they’ll last long after he’s gone. That someone’s legacy could live on through burnt sienna and cadmium red. He feels a bit uncomfortable about the people following him, though it’s becoming more and more common lately. It feels a little less oppressive now that he’s not with Taehyung. Like, somehow the distance between them will keep word from spreading, minds from wandering.

It’s paranoid and nowhere near logical, but as he takes in a beautiful painting of rainforests with leaves and branches so detailed he has to convince himself it’s not real – he tries not to think about it too much. When they meet up later that afternoon, free from spying eyes and loose lips – Namjoon wonders if he'd feel as strange about being seen in public alone with Seokjin or Hoseok. He doesn't particularly like the answer he comes up with.

▽

Namjoon had hoped that they’d be left to have a bit more time to themselves after the museum, but the crew follows them as they go shopping, even trailing them into Panda Express. You’d think he’d be used to it by now – and in a way, Namjoon supposes he is. But trying to act like nothing is out of the ordinary when a film crew follows you out of a store, watching you grab extra napkins for your food – it’s definitely a challenge. It’s a sort of relief that the cameras are there, though, because Namjoon doesn’t feel the need to explain himself to Taehyung. To try and condense all the hard to name thoughts and feelings that overtook him when Namjoon knows full well Taehyung wanted to look at the exhibits with him. He does his best to be happy, to go along with their little filmed play date. Laughing at the ill-fitting lid on his drink and smiling at Taehyung like he doesn’t feel terrible. He can tell Taehyung’s not buying it, but he seems to settle into the role, resigning to do his best to enjoy what little of the day together they still have left.

▽

Taehyung crawls into his bed that night, and they don’t talk about what happened.

"Will you help me write a song?" Taehyung speaks softly into his shoulder. Namjoon can hear the subtle distortion in his speech from how he's got his cheek pressed up against Namjoon's back.

I'd love to, he thinks. "Why do you want my help," he asks.

Taehyung shrugs around him. It's an odd feeling but it gets the point across, "you're just... you get that stuff."

"What stuff?" Namjoon can't help but prompt. It's not necessarily that he's fishing for compliments, he wants to make sure he understands as well. Wants to be what Taehyung's looking for.

Taehyung sighs, long and soft before answering. "You take words and make them into feelings. I'm kinda the opposite. I can't figure out what to do – how to get all this stuff in my head and my heart into something that makes sense to anyone but me."

Namjoon thinks on this, thinks on Taehyung. There was a time he would've accused Taehyung of being purposefully mysterious. Of doing his best to appear enigmatic. Really he just struggles to get his point across. Namjoon gets it. He knows what it's like to feel something so foreign and overwhelming and have no clue how to make it into anything more. Everyone struggles to express themselves. Some people paint, some people dance, some people write music. Namjoon wonders what Taehyung does to get it out. If he's still trying to find something that fits.

"I'd love to."

Hawaii, April 6, 2017

Namjoon thinks the trip is going well. He’s still got his passport, so that’s a start.

Taehyung has been endearingly persistent with using his English, and the way he looks to Namjoon after placing an order or speaking to someone for confirmation has his heart doing backflips.

He’s trying so hard and he’s doing so well, and his excitement at improving is infectious. His voice gets a lot lower when he speaks English and Namjoon would be lying if he said it wasn’t a little bit hot, a big bit distracting, but he’s doing his best not to think too much about that.

They practice words and phrases whenever they end up next to each other, which is happening more and more frequently. Not that Namjoon has been paying attention to that stuff.

Maybe it’s the English – having a reason for spending so much time with Taehyung, for interacting so freely even in front of cameras dulling a little of his nervousness about the whole thing.

He’s feeling good about where they’re at – a little less overwhelmed than usual just letting himself be with Taehyung. Maybe he’ll even get up the nerve to say something to him once they’re back in the relative solitude of their shared room.

▽

The two of them are rooming together – because of course they are. They drop off their bags next to the double bed – which is looking smaller and smaller by the second. Namjoon thinks Taehyung and himself should've gotten the nice queen that Jimin and Yoongi ended up with on account of their extra length. But he knows better than to say that to them, knowing full well they can get a little sensitive about that sort of thing.

Namjoon feels something unwelcome flutter in the pit of his stomach as a staff member sets up a camera on top of a dresser in their room. He knows the point of this series is to see the 'real' them – to take away the layers of makeup and celebrity schedules to showcase friendship and candidness. But setting up cameras to watch them sleep still feels a little invasive. Taehyung doesn't seem to feel as bothered. When they head in for the night he's showing off his night time skincare routine and wearing that stupid pink headband that Namjoon loves so much. He does his best to focus on his book.

▽

Taehyung is touching him.

They're in a small bed, so it makes sense that they'd brush legs or something equally as small – but that's not what's happening. Taehyung's slept with Namjoon before, this isn't their first go at things. He's wrapped around Namjoon like it's his job. Namjoon wants to sink back into him, to fall asleep with Taehyung nuzzling into the crook between his shoulder and neck.

But he can't stop thinking about that damn camera. He knows the directors wouldn't show anything to actually compromise them – also knows there's a chance they'll try to catch a glimpse of them cuddled up early in the morning because bed sharing is the ultimate fan service.

He doesn't want that. Doesn't want something so private, something he and Taehyung have yet to even talk about – to become something for everyone. He even feels weird about the directors knowing. It's stupid, and probably irrational, but telling himself that doesn't stop him from feeling anxious.

He tries his best to wiggle Taehyung off, and it works for a while. Namjoon never manages to quite wake him up, can't find it in his heart to try. But he pushes Taehyung just hard enough that he backs off – only to snuggle back up a few minutes later. It's exhausting, and it's burning Namjoon's resolve. It would be so easy to just let it happen. He could play it off on being in such a small bed.

After a few more failed attempts, and a steady erosion of his admittedly weak willpower, Namjoon gives up.

▽

He wakes up warm and comfortable. Even before realizing where he is and what's going on it feels good. Feels right.

Once he puts the pieces together it's another story.

Namjoon pushes Taehyung off himself, silencing his whines by handing him his own pillow. Taehyung pouts as he wraps himself around it, and Namjoon lays flat as a board, trying his best to at least seem asleep until the production crew wakes them up.

Taehyung is about as easy to get out of bed as ever, but Namjoon is up almost as soon as their names are called. He feels nervous, like he's done something wrong. He has enough logic still kicking around in the back of his mind to realize that he hasn't done anything wrong, that it's stupid to think so – but that doesn't stop him from feeling that way. Maybe it's how weird he's been about Taehyung, how much he's just wanted to keep things to himself.

God. It makes Namjoon sound like some sort of possessive partner to even think like that. Which – that’s not what it is. Namjoon doesn't want to keep Taehyung for himself, he just wants something genuine. No scripts, no prompting, just Taehyung and Namjoon figuring things out at their own pace with no fan theories or video footage to make things any more complicated than Namjoon's made them already.

When he comes back to their room to grab some clothes, he sees a camera man talking to Taehyung. And it's – he’s so scared. He doesn't know what they've talked about, can judge by Taehyung's disposition that the cuddling hasn't been brought up. But it feels like it’s just a matter of time. If Namjoon doesn't say something, the camera man will. He doesn't want that. He needs to do something, to clear the air.

He regrets it almost before he's even said it. But once he starts it just keeps coming. The worst part is that Taehyung is on camera for all of it. He has to school his features into something sheepish and embarrassed even as Namjoon calls him gross and says he tried his best to get him to let go. Namjoon doesn't know why he's so set on his own self sabotage, but he's proving to be proficient at it at the very least.

He doesn't know what's wrong with him, why he can't let them have anything. He did this to try and quell the anxiety threatening to take him over – and in the process he threw Taehyung under the bus and made himself feel worse.

God, he's put them both through so much. He went from never talking about what they were, what was going on, to talking about it to all the wrong people. He cares about Taehyung so much and if it frustrates him how much trouble he's having just talking to him like a sensible adult, he can only imagine how bad it is for Taehyung.

For him to constantly be going back and forth, never admitting anything, but always pulling him closer. Does Taehyung think Namjoon is using him? Is Namjoon using him? Even the thought feels sour on the back of his tongue, and he doesn't think that's it. But how is Taehyung supposed to know that?

He wonders how much more Taehyung can take. There's no reason he should've taken as much from Namjoon as he has. Namjoon leaves the room almost as soon as he can make himself stop talking. Taehyung's smiling and telling the camera how cuddling up is his one sleeping habit, and Namjoon feels like he's going to be sick.

Hawaii, April 7, 2017

The next night has Namjoon rooming with Yoongi. He's been off all day, trying his best to keep a game face and play along like everything's fine.

He hasn't talked to Taehyung since their tense conversation in the van that morning, and he's doing his best to give him space when they aren't playing nice for the cameras. It's really the least he can do.

The members can tell something's up – there’s no doubt about that. They haven't gone through years of living in impossibly tight quarters without confrontation, avoidance, and all the discomfort associated with both. Recently they've instated a weekly lunch meeting – where everyone can bring up things that are bothering them with the promise to be heard and understood, not just argued with. It's uncomfortable, honestly. But it helps. They're all getting better at hearing each other out and actually doing what they need to to get along. Namjoon doesn't want to bring this issue to the team.

Yoongi is more blunt that most, and that alone is enough to have Namjoon feeling more than a little uncomfortable at the prospect of heading to bed.

They haven't set up the cameras yet – giving them a small reprieve from watchful eyes to change and scratch their asses in peace for once.

Namjoon thinks if he's quick enough he can grab his toothbrush and pajamas out of the room before Yoongi gets in there, but Yoongi comes in while he's still digging through his bag.

"Is Taehyung gonna be okay?"

Namjoon tries and fails not to stiffen at the question. "What do you mean?"

Yoongi sighs, throwing his own bag on the bed next to Namjoon's so he can look for his own pajamas. "I'm not dumb. I don't know that anyone else has put it together yet, but that doesn't mean they won't."

Namjoon's heart is beating far too fast, but he does his best to school his features. He sneaks a glance in Yoongi's direction, only to find him staring across the room at nothing in particular. He looks tired.

Namjoon feels a wave of guilt crash over him, a catalyst to all of the self-doubt and pity he'd already been wallowing in. He's the leader – he’s supposed to handle this sort of stuff. He's meant to fix problems, not create them. He's messing things up for all of them because he can't just sort his shit out. No, he's too much of a pussy to sort his shit out and now Taehyung is miserable and probably thinks Namjoon hates him and –

Namjoon doesn't realize how panicked his breathing has gotten until Yoongi is gripping his upper arm and snapping him out of whatever self-induced downward spiral he'd been on.

"Hey," Yoongi says softly, gently. Namjoon turns to look at him, meets his eyes. "I don't know what happened – who did what – but you're gonna have to face it sometime."

Namjoon lets out a shuddering breath, turning to sit on the mattress next to his bag. Yoongi isn't saying anything he doesn't already know. But how could he be so stupid – so obvious to everyone but the person who should know what the hell is going on.

Yoongi sighs again, toothbrush and a crumpled armful of clothes in hand. He stops at their bedroom doorway. "I'd tell you to be careful, but I know you always are."

▽

That night is hard. Namjoon feels even more on edge with no duties to focus on, no people to convince that everything is okay. He can hear Yoongi's slow deep breaths next to him in bed, and it's honestly taking everything in him not to cry.

Before last night, he'd think of Taehyung. Before last night, Taehyung probably would've just showed up at his door with a shy smile and the entirety of Namjoon's heart.

But now he's in bed next to Yoongi who knows how much he's screwed up without actually knowing how much he's screwed up and he just – he just really needs a hug. He should have some pride. He's a grown man who shouldn't feel this overwhelmed by not getting cuddled to sleep for once in his life, but he doesn't, and he is.

He tries to talk himself out of it for a few minutes, but it's just – everything feels wrong. And he doesn't know how to fix it, but he feels a little like broken pottery. All shards and shadows of what he should be, with no idea how to hold all his parts together.

When he reaches for Yoongi, he does it gently – a light touch to his shoulder. So maybe Yoongi won't wake up, so he can say he tried. But Yoongi shifts a little under his hand, hums in acknowledgement. A soft "hyung..." is all Namjoon manages to get out, but it's enough.

Yoongi turns around to face him, sleepy face twisted in concern. "C'mere, Joon-ah. S'okay."

He holds Namjoon close to his chest, rubbing his back the way Namjoon once told him his mother did for him when he couldn't sleep as a child.

It's all still so overwhelming, and he still feels like he doesn't quite deserve the kindness from Yoongi, but he needed it. So he curls in a little closer, and does his best not to tear up before finally drifting off to sleep.

Hawaii, April 9, 2017

Being chosen to write a letter to Taehyung feels like a cruel test of fate. To have a chance to talk to him genuinely and read it aloud in front of a camera to be packaged and sold for an audience. He doesn't feel right writing next to everyone in the dining room, but Taehyung and Hoseok take the other good spots, so he resigns to a seat next to Jimin. The production crew tells him there's a place he can go outside, and he eagerly takes the opportunity.

There's a lot of staring at a blank sheet before Namjoon can figure out what to say. There's just so many things he needs to say, but so little of it feels fitting. He can't get his words right when it's just the two of them holding each other late at night, what makes him think he can do so now?

He shakes that feeling, because that's not what this is about. He needs to fix things with Taehyung, but now isn't the time. Now is the time to write a heartfelt note about the two of them catered for the people that will listen to it in a few months once the program is aired. He can be genuine and sincere and leave out the real elephant in the room. Once he starts thinking about it like that, he realizes there's a lot more he wants to say to Taehyung than he'd realized.

▽

"Taehyung-ah, my first letter goes to you. That gives me mixed emotions. Like the pebbles we have seen to our hearts content in Hawaii, it's hard to pick out what I want to say to you." Namjoon wants nothing more than to hug Taehyung right now. He knows how hard it is for him to put his thoughts into words, especially the ones as deeply personal as what he had to say to Jimin. It feels wrong to be following up that message with his own. He focuses on the words he's written, rather than Taehyung's sniffling, rather than the tears still clinging to his eyelashes and slowly rolling down his cheeks.

"Like the open sea we have enjoyed, it may be because we go far back with many shared memories. I remember when I first met you, when you came with your father to our dorm with big eyes, busy legs, your puckered lips – I knew at once, you would be a rascal." It's bittersweet to look back. To remember how much easier things had been back then, while vividly recalling how very hard they felt. He can't believe there was a time he was unsure about Taehyung.

"I also remember how you were anxious before our debut. Your unique and strange character had me puzzled. I wondered what aspect of yours helped you to bear everything. But as time went by and my hair start to grow out, I realized that even me – who I thought was the norm – was also a strange a puzzling guy.

"And I was drawn by your uniqueness. And I was envious – because you easily befriend people and everyone likes you. You have shown everyone that your strangeness is actually your unique charm. You might say this makes you cringe but ever since you started out at as trainee, I've wanted to say I'm grateful to you as a friend and hyung. Thank you for not becoming a farmer or saxophone player but coming to us to complete BTS.

“Let's keep up the good work, hang in there."

▽

Taehyung's letter to Jimin had made his heart hurt. Things are so messy, and it’s hard for Namjoon not to feel like an utter disaster bringing everyone else down with him. But even so, even so. They're so lucky to have each other, he's so lucky to have them. All of them.

He thinks it when Seokjin works through his obvious discomfort to express himself to Jeongguk as best he can, with obvious humour and subtly woven sincerity.

Knows it when Yoongi steps up to mediate them, keeping everyone on track and appreciative of what they have.

Feels it bubbling up in his throat when Jeongguk's message to him ends in barely concealed tears.

Sees it in the awkwardness of Hoseok and Jimin as they prepare themselves to read such honest and heartfelt messages like they don't leave notes on the members beds and give them out with unnecessary birthday gifts.

They're moody and loud and sometimes selfish but they're also kind and driven and try so hard to make this all work. Even when he messes things up and can never seem to say or do the right thing. He's so glad it works.

Japan, July 13, 2014

Sometimes Namjoon dreams about Taehyung. It's really not a big deal, they spend so much time together it would probably be weirder if he didn't dream about him from time to time. He dreams about all the members. It's super normal. The problem is that sometimes he doesn't recognize when things aren't a dream.

It's mid-afternoon, the sun is streaming through their bedroom window and Namjoon is laying on his bed. He's playing some mindless game on his phone, comfortable and warm. It's nice to have a moment to himself, to relax and breathe. But it's strange, he can't remember the last time he was completely alone like this. He's wished for it more often than not, but now that he's got it – the silence is near deafening.

He thinks about putting on some music, doing something to dispel the strange loneliness creeping inside him. Then he hears a shuffling outside, someone opening the bedroom door. They're doing their best to be quiet about it, but Namjoon's just glad to have someone else there. They don't have to talk, just having another person near will put him at ease, he's sure of it.

He lays back on the bed and closes his eyes, decides he'll do his best to guess who it is. He has enough practice listening to the members putter around over the last few years. He hears them shuffling into the room, closing the door behind them. They probably think he's asleep. He smiles to himself, feels the bed next to him shift.

It's Taehyung.

That's his bed, and Namjoon thinks he can smell the cologne he's been so obsessed with lately. He's glad, he really likes having Taehyung around. He turns to face Taehyung, opening his eyes. Taehyung is staring back, a soft smile on his face. Namjoon feels warm all over, and this is so much better. He reaches out to grab Taehyung's hand, he can't be sure why. It just feels right. Taehyung's grin grows wider, and he decides it was the right move.

"Taehyung-ah, you're back." He says it quiet, and Taehyung nods in response. Namjoon grips his hand a little tighter.

Manila, May 7, 2017

Taehyung doesn't come to Namjoon's door anymore.

Hong Kong, May 14, 2017

Namjoon has spent the last month beating himself up over the things he's said, the things he's done – the moments when he should've done either but couldn't find the courage. It's easy to look back and think how things could be different if he'd just said something. This – this thing has been forefront since February, but if Namjoon's being honest it's been a long time coming for him. It isn't even like he had to admit his feelings, either. Sure, he could've told Taehyung that he thinks he's always been at least a little bit in love with him and the way he worms his way into people’s lives with a smile, with the way he changed how Namjoon sees the world. But he could've just as easily told Taehyung that they needed to stop – that it couldn't happen, for the sake of the team. But he hasn't done anything, and the ambiguity must've been torture.

He knows he's fucked things up, and he vowed to give Taehyung time. He was planning to explain himself, really. But he wasn't gonna push things before Taehyung was ready to talk to him.

But it's been a month, and Namjoon sleeps in cold hotel beds alone with a bitter taste in his mouth and the unavoidable feeling of something missing in his heart. He’s exhausted from back to back concerts and the demands of tour are starting to take a toll on him. He misses home, he misses yelling across the room at his roommate to put in a pair of headphones when he’s up watching anime in the middle of the night. He misses Taehyung.

But they’re flying back tomorrow morning just long enough to do laundry before heading to Las Vegas, and Namjoon can’t stand the thought of having Taehyung mad at him there. Hotel rooms are hotel rooms, and he can handle the avoidance and whatever else this has become. But Taehyung needs to know he’s sorry before they’re roommates again. He feels so alone and he’s not quite sure how he’s supposed to handle things.

It's less than a week until Billboards and all Namjoon can seem to think about is the way Taehyung told him he didn't need to do everything alone. He wonders if he's been trying to do it anyways as some sort of punishment for himself.

This is a big deal, and he can't even focus on it with everything that's happening with Taehyung. So he breaks his promise to himself, and he goes to Taehyung first.

He knocks softly on Taehyung's door, wondering if he ever felt this vulnerable coming to see Namjoon. He hopes not. Jimin opens the door and Namjoon freezes. It's really not that strange, they're best friends. It makes sense they'd be together.

"Oh, hyung." Jimin looks genuinely surprised to see him. That's fair. "Did you need something?"

"Who is it?" Taehyung asks from inside the room, and suddenly all the courage Namjoon had been so sure of disappears like smoke in the wind.

"Nothing. It can wait. Don't stay up too late, you two." He gives his best attempt at a smile before turning and walking as fast as is acceptable back to his room.

▽

Taehyung shows up at his door a few minutes later, and Namjoon feels a mix of things – but mostly hope. Taehyung came, in spite of everything that's happened.

When he opens the door, Taehyung looks hesitant. That hurts. Namjoon knows it's because of him, and hates it. Taehyung is usually the poster child of carefree. This just feels wrong.

Namjoon's fingers itch at his side, every piece of him near screaming for him to just grab Taehyung – to just hold him in his arms. He fights it.

"I owe you an apology." He says, after far too much silence.

Taehyung sucks his lower lip into his mouth, looking into Namjoon's eyes through shaggy bangs. His hair is golden now, and Namjoon thinks it suits him. He swallows down the lump in his throat and continues. "I'm sorry for what I did in Hawaii. I'm sorry that I handle everything so badly. That I can't even talk to you and that I fuck everything up."

Taehyung moves from the hallway, closing Namjoon's door behind him and walking past him over to the bed. He sits down on the mattress and waits for Namjoon to join him.

"I cuddle everyone. There's more pictures of me cuddling you guys than I even remember happening."

Namjoon sits next to him, nods. His nails dig into the soft covers on either side of him. He focuses his eyes on his thighs, can barely spot Taehyung staring at the generic print framed on his wall out of his periphery. Taehyung doesn't sound mad – maybe a little exasperated, but not mad.

"I know. And it's just – I know." Namjoon bites his lip, wondering when he became the less eloquent between the two of them.

Taehyung sighs, shifts so he's facing Namjoon, "it’s one thing to be figuring stuff out but – it feels like you hate me.”

Namjoon feels it in his chest, sees the way Taehyung focuses his gaze on their laps. He grabs Taehyung’s hands in his own “no, Tae – I could never.” He squeezes Taehyung’s hands, waits until Taehyung looks up at him and says again, softer – “I could never.”

Taehyung searches his face, biting at his lower lip. Namjoon should really say more – explain  himself. But it’s hard to remember what he wanted to say when Taehyung is this close, when he’s looking at him like this.

Taehyung nods suddenly, and it feels off, but before Namjoon gets a chance to think too much about it Taehyung is leaning in and kissing him.

Namjoon is kissing him back before his brain has caught on to what they’re doing.

Taehyung is holding his head in his hands, tilting it for a better angle and sucking at his lower lip. Namjoon tries his best to keep up, putting all the things he’s yet to say into the kiss. He still feels like he’s falling behind, slipping just below the surface as Taehyung presses closer and closer.

Then he’s in Namjoon’s lap, hands sliding down to his jaw and tilting his head back as he grinds down with what must be intention. Namjoon feels hot all over, and he grips at Taehyung’s waist like it’ll keep him from getting left behind. He can feel himself getting hard, and the contact is a little rough through his boxers, but it’s all so much he can barely find the capacity to care.

Taehyung grinds down hard and Namjoon lets out a whine – it’s not intentional, and he digs his fingers harder into Taehyung’s waist, face heating up in embarrassment.

Taehyung breaks away from the kiss and starts mouthing down the column of Namjoon’s neck. He’s breathing hard to keep from making anymore sounds, so sensitive and overwhelmed that he can’t trust himself to do much more than take what Taehyung’s giving.

“Don’t worry,” Taehyung says, breaking away from his throat with a wet sound, “no one can hear.”

Namjoon feels his face twist at that, “that’s not...” he starts, cutting off with a hitched breath as Taehyung bites softly at his ear lobe. He hadn’t even been thinking about that. “I don’t care about that.”

Taehyung hums, moving back under Namjoon’s jaw. “It’s okay, we’re just helping each other out. Nothing to freak out about.”

Taehyung’s tone is so cold enough to express his displeasure, but even without it, his words would’ve tipped Namjoon off. He pushes at Taehyung’s shoulders until they’re face to face, breathing heavy.

“Taehyung… is that – is that what you think?”

Taehyung’s face gives nothing away, and he shrugs in Namjoon’s lap. Namjoon struggles to get his thoughts in order. After an uncomfortable moment, Taehyung shifts out of his lap to sit next to him again, back to focusing on the framed print. His arms are crossed, body language closed off.

“Tae,” Namjoon starts, hoping for once he’ll say what he means around Taehyung – not freeze up and make things worse. “I wasn’t being an asshole because I hate you. I can’t – why is it so hard for me to talk around you?”

It’s meant to be rhetorical, but Taehyung huffs out a laugh, still not looking at Namjoon.

Namjoon looks down the hallway at the door to his room. “I haven’t been being weird because I don’t like you. I’ve been weird because I’m scared I might love you.”

Even as he’s saying the words, Namjoon is terrified. All the caution and care he uses to keep from situations like this – out the window in an instant. There’s no coming back from saying something like that, not right away.

Taehyung is silent – not even moving. Namjoon realizes he probably deserves that, though he hopes Taehyung isn’t doing it out of spite to teach him some sort of lesson.

“I’m gonna head to bed.” Taehyung gets up, and Namjoon tries not to look too defeated. He just nods, can’t quite bear to look Taehyung in the eye.

What was he thinking? That Taehyung would tell him he loves him back and maybe suck his dick? That they’d get over the train wreck of the last few months and break through the wall of tension they’ve been building all this time? That Taehyung would still want to hold Namjoon once he found the courage to tell him the truth?

Namjoon is thankful for the extra hotel pillows to hold against the hole in his chest as he does his best to sleep that night.

Las Vegas, May 20, 2017

They don’t talk, not really. Namjoon doesn’t plan on going to Taehyung first this time, and he somehow feels more at peace with things.

It hurts like hell, and Namjoon thinks maybe he gave up a little piece of his heart that night high on endorphins and sputtering out confessions that had been burning just beneath the surface of his skin for far longer than anyone should keep inside.

But he’s cleared the air. Maybe it wasn’t what Taehyung wanted to hear, and maybe nothing will come of it – but he’s finally told Taehyung how he feels. Taehyung slept in their room when they got back to Seoul, even if they didn’t have words for each other. He hopes he gets a chance to explain himself a little better, to tell Taehyung just what he means to him – but he knows he doesn’t necessarily deserve that, and that only time will tell if Taehyung even wants to know.

And Taehyung isn’t treating him badly, not that he’s ever been especially mean. But he speaks up in interviews, and does his best to use all of the English at his disposal when given the chance. That always manages to leave Namjoon’s heart warm with the memories of late nights curled up in hotel rooms practicing phrases and pronunciation.

He kind of wants to kick himself for not saying something earlier, but that’s not really anything new. He knows Taehyung, he knew there was no way he would hate Namjoon for feelings too big for him to name. But he let himself overthink things and make it harder on them both. He feels the worst about that.

It’s crazy how much weight it is off his chest, to know that he doesn’t have to wrestle with his heart and figure out how to put his messy feelings into words. Taehyung knows, and for now that’s enough.

They get a little time to explore the area, in between all the scheduled interviews and appearances which is good. A lot of times when they travel their mission seems so singular that Namjoon wonders if they were even really in the place. Hotel rooms and venues all blend together after a while – and he rarely gets to see much else.

They’re at some fancy buffet at a different hotel eating the day before the awards and Jimin and Seokjin are recording everyone chewing like it’s the most exciting thing in the world. Everyone is smiles and happy for the camera, but once it’s off Jimin won’t even look at Namjoon. He knows what’s going on immediately, mostly he’s surprised it took Taehyung this long to tell on him. It still hurts, though. And Jimin isn’t someone who’s bad side you want to be on. Namjoon had been feeling so at peace with his decision, but a few minutes of the cold shoulder from Jimin are enough to have him giving up on his food and just wanting to go home.

Their schedule worked out so that they’re able to attend a Cirque Du Soleil performance, and it honestly looks amazing. But Taehyung is going, and Jimin isn’t, and he already feels so awful. He wants to see people in makeup and spandex do amazing stunts, and he really wants to do it with his friends. But the team comes first, and he’s the reason there’s an issue to be fixed in the first place. So Namjoon tries not to feel too sorry for himself as he backs out, claiming the jetlag is getting to him.

▽

“I know you know something,” Namjoon starts, looking out the window while talking to Jimin. Namjoon isn’t sure what he expected of Vegas, aside from bright lights and gambling, but this isn’t quite it. The streets off of the main area are much less flashy, much more sad. Namjoon wonders if the sort of sadness and poverty they drive by in these areas are a mere inevitability in places like this.

Jimin doesn’t answer him right away, and Namjoon isn’t worried about Jeongguk. He had passed out almost as soon as they were seated in the van, snoring softly with his head tilted back and mouth slack.

“And what if I do?” Jimin says finally, sass heavy in his tone.

Namjoon sighs, turns to face him. Jimin is glaring and it always makes Namjoon so uncomfortable to be on the end of that glare. But he can’t back down. “I know I messed up, and I’m doing my best to make it right. I just wanted you to know that I do want to make it right.”

He hopes he comes across as genuine, as anything more than tired. But he’s that too, and he’s sure it seeps into his tone, his expression.

Jimin looks at him for a few seconds, like he’s trying to gauge sincerity. Namjoon does his best to stand tall under the scrutiny, maintaining eye contact. Jimin doesn’t say anything, just nods at Namjoon before turning back to his phone.

▽

That night, he’s a little more stressed than usual. This is a really big deal, and his brain already feels tired and overworked from all the translating he’s been roped into constantly. It’s one thing to speak in a different language but to take in what someone’s saying, understand it, translate it, lather rinse repeat – it’s all a little much.

He should be sleeping, but instead he’s pacing his room – in the dark no less – going over the words he’s been trying to settle on for weeks. They’ve all seen how crazy the voting has been with their fans, and from what they’ve gathered it seems like they’re probably going to win this thing, which – that’s crazy. It’s overwhelming just to consider and Namjoon feels like it might be a dream. But that’s not going to stop him from preparing, just in case it’s somehow real.

When he hears the knock at his door, he thinks it might be a fever dream. He feels wild with stress, repeating the same paragraph to himself over and over, checking for better flow and tone. But he hears the knock again and decides to check to make sure he’s not going crazy.

Taehyung looks about as high strung as he feels, and Namjoon doesn’t quite know what to say. He thinks back to the last time Taehyung was here, how much he’d wanted to just hold him. So he does. Namjoon steps into the doorway and wraps Taehyung up in his arms – one hand against the back of his head, pressing Taehyung’s face down into the crook of his neck. The other rubbing soothing patterns on his back. He isn’t sure why Taehyung’s here – but he’s done with the tension. Taehyung looked like he needed a hug and he wasn’t about to sit on his hands and let him suffer. Taehyung hugs him back, breathing out a soft sigh against his throat.

Namjoon slowly backs them into his room, letting the door shut and doing his best not to lead them into any walls or sharp objects in the dark. It’s easier than he expects – Namjoon thinks maybe it’s because he’s got hotel rooms all but memorized at this point. He does his best not to laugh at how ridiculous the image of them shuffling towards his bed because they’re both so unwilling to let go must be.

He gives Taehyung one last tight squeeze before dropping his arms, moving to sit on his bed.

“What’s going on, Tae? Are you alright?”

Taehyung focuses on the ground for a second, pouting so petulantly it takes everything in Namjoon not to smile. He’s missed Taehyung – missed the carefree nights between them where there was no one to impress, just soft words and the promise of comforting body heat.

Taehyung kicks him softly in the shin, “you can’t just do that.”

“Do what?” Namjoon isn’t meaning to play dumb, but there are a lot of things he shouldn’t have done. Taehyung’s going to have to clarify.

“You can’t just string me along for months and treat me like I don’t exist unless we’re alone and expect me to believe it’s because you – you love me!”

Namjoon’s heart sinks, just a little. He’s been working on forgiving himself for acting so stupidly, to be better and leave it at that. But it still hurts, and it probably should.

“I’m – I’m really bad at feelings?” Namjoon tries, feeling his face heat up. It’s embarrassing that that’s the best he can come up with.

Taehyung huffs out a sigh, dropping back beside Namjoon on the bed, laying flat on his back and covering his eyes with his hands.

“I’m not some kid on the playground you can pick on to show off your crush. I live with you, hyung. If you don’t talk to me what am I supposed to think?”

Namjoon hears the exasperation, moves to rest a hand on Taehyung’s thigh, rubbing circles with his thumb against the fabric of his sweatpants.

Taehyung jolts a little, “tickles, stop it.”

Namjoon stops, but leaves his hand resting. “When you kissed me that night, I couldn’t believe it. I was so scared to say something, to do anything – I thought it was some sort of cosmic joke and if I responded you’d just laugh and tell me you were just kidding.”

Taehyung lifts his hands off his face, and Namjoon makes out the shadow of a scowl in the darkness.

“And all the other times?”

Namjoon sighs, flopping back next to Taehyung on the bed. “I got so up in my head that I talked myself out of everything I knew I needed to do.”

Taehyung is quiet for a moment, then he’s sitting up and getting off the bed. Namjoon thinks that’s fair, maybe he’s heard as much as he needs to to make a decision about things. He doesn’t move, waits for Taehyung to leave.

It catches him off guard when instead of heading for the door, Taehyung starts pacing around the bed, just like Namjoon had been doing minutes earlier.

“You okay, Tae?” He shifts up onto his elbows, tracing Taehyung’s shadowy figure as he moves around the room.

“Barely,” Taehyung starts, walking a few steps before pausing, “tomorrow is so big and there’s so much happening and I feel like I just can’t sit still. I’m exhausted but I’ve got all this energy I need to get out and I have feelings for this guy who can’t even say he likes me without taking half a year and making a big scene. It’s a lot.” Taehyung starts pacing again.

“I’m sorry,” Namjoon says after a moment, just loud enough for Taehyung to hear. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to say that enough. I do care. And I knew what I was doing. And I was miserable the whole time if that makes it any better.”

Taehyung sighs, “I can’t wait three months for you to figure it out every time you come across a new feeling.”

“Liked you for a lot longer than that,” Namjoon mutters, earning him an exasperated sigh from Taehyung.

“You literally just made it worse. How is that functional?”

Namjoon shrugs, foot tapping against the floor as another wave of nervous energy gets to him as well, “I think I’m good now. Just admitting it felt like the hardest thing in the world but now it’s like – it’s like a dam’s broken. I just want to tell you everything and maybe kiss you if that’s cool.”

Taehyung laughs, sitting down at the foot of the bed, “if that’s cool. I’ve been trying to get kisses out of you for months and you want to know if that’s cool? How dare you.”

Namjoon smiles despite himself, “c’mere, then.”

Namjoon can’t quite make out Taehyung’s face from this distance in the darkness, but he can see the way he tilts his head in question. “We’ve got all this pent-up tension and nervous energy – it’d be a shame to waste it burning a hole in my carpet.”

Taehyung slowly drags himself up the bed, “burning a hole in your carpet? Is that some sort of sexual euphemism?”

Namjoon should wait a little longer, but his chest feels lighter than it has in months – years maybe, and Taehyung is making dumb jokes and he likes him. So Namjoon shuffles forward and meets Taehyung halfway. He grabs Taehyung’s face in his hands and leaves a soft kiss on his forehead, warmth filling his chest as Taehyung sighs and sinks into the touch. He follows that one up with another on his cheek, an even softer one on the tip of his nose. He’s aiming to leave one more on Taehyung’s chin when his plans are foiled, Taehyung leaning down to meet Namjoon’s lips with his own.

Taehyung smiles into the kiss, obviously proud of himself for catching Namjoon off guard. Namjoon is more than happy to oblige his new target, turning his head to deepen the kiss. He helps pull Taehyung up the bed and they right themselves quickly, Namjoon pulling at Taehyung's bottom lip unabashedly, taking in the noise it draws from him. It's on the edge of rough and rushed, but Namjoon still puts every bit of fondness he can into it.

He's spent so long dancing around his feelings – years ignoring the way Taehyung's smile makes his chest tighten. The way his days seem better just from being around him. Kissing him now – this isn't some one-and-done thing to take off the edge. He's not holding Taehyung this tightly just to let him go. Not if he can help it.

Taehyung takes it all, pressing impossibly closer. They’re wrapped up in each other, limbs intertwined as easy as breathing as they kiss more and more heatedly. Namjoon breaks away from Taehyung’s mouth to kiss down his neck, returning the favour from last week – hopefully with a little more fondness and sincerity than Taehyung had mustered. When Namjoon grazes his teeth under Taehyung’s jaw, the sound he lets out has heat burning just below the surface of his skin. He wants to keep kissing, touching, drawing those noises out of his mouth – but he’s spent so long just wanting to kiss Taehyung, to hold him close, that he can’t help but be drawn back to his lips.

Taehyung sighs into the kiss and Namjoon didn’t realize he could feel so overwhelmed from so little. Taehyung feels like the whole world in his arms and Namjoon is stuck between holding him as tightly as he can muster and treating him as gently as he can. The fondness and adoration is bubbling up in his heart, even as the kisses turn dirty and heavy. Namjoon almost loses his breath when he feels Taehyung hard against his hip, feels his own dick twitch in response. He pushes his hands up underneath Taehyung's shirt, and Taehyung lifts his arms obediently so Namjoon can take it off him. He breaks away from the kiss to speak, working the collar of the t-shirt over Taehyung's chin. "You're so – fuck, you're so perfect, Tae." Taehyung answers with a soft laugh, moving to kiss at Namjoon's jaw once his face is free, to suck at the soft skin of his neck. He's gentle – ever wary of their schedule – but it's more than enough.

"I should've told you more – should’ve done more," Namjoon trails off as Taehyung ruts against his hip, feels him hot through Taehyung's sweatpants and his own boxers. He finds himself grinding down onto Taehyung's thigh, breath stuttering at the drag. "Was so scared I'd wreck everything. Should've told you."

Taehyung shudders against him, hand coming to rest at the waistband of Namjoon's boxers, "hyung. Can I touch you?" Namjoon feels a wave of heat curl in his groin, almost whining as he nods. Taehyung slips his boxers down to his thighs, hands shaking with how turned on he is, and Namjoon doesn't feel much better off. Taehyung places his palm flat against Namjoon's stomach, no doubt feeling how it clenches in response. He leaves a soft kiss at the base of Namjoon's jaw, slowly sliding his hand lower. It's all Namjoon can do not to buck up, to try to speed Taehyung along. He grips at Taehyung's hip, breath unsteady. Taehyung wraps a loose hand around the base of his cock, the upstroke slow and tedious.

It's not meant to be enough, but it still has him shuddering. He's embarrassingly close already, willing himself not to come. The angle is a little awkward but Taehyung rubs a palm against the head of his cock, collecting the precome and easing the glide of his downstroke, hand tightening enough to have Namjoon squirm at the pleasure. He's barely aware of how tightly he's clutching onto Taehyung, thinks he hears himself whine but can't find the focus to be embarrassed. He searches blindly for Taehyung's lips, missing having him close already and kissing him desperately when Taehyung indulges him, his hips canting up into Taehyung's grip.

It only takes a few minutes for him to come like that, as close to Taehyung as he can get, breathing hard against his cheek. They lay there for a moment, Namjoon feels his heartbeat even and his breath follow. He has the presence of mind to reach for some tissues to clean them both off. He's so sleepy but he doesn't want to sleep. Taehyung is still hard, and the thought has heat pooling uselessly in his spent cock. He pulls himself back into his boxers and begins lowering himself on the bed.

Taehyung lifts his head to look at him, though Namjoon can't make out much more than his vague shadow.

He doesn't know what he's doing, but he wants to. Taehyung seems to understand, opening his legs for Namjoon to move between. He shifts up on the bed to give Namjoon more room, and Namjoon grabs at the worn band of Taehyung's sweats.

"I've never done this before. Can I try anyways?"

Taehyung laughs, breathless. "Fuck, yes. Just – no biting? I guess?"

Namjoon's responding laugh is nervous, but he slowly works Taehyung's pants down, taking in the way his cock springs free to hit his lower stomach, flush head leaking precome. He throws the pants somewhere behind him, far too focused on the curves of Taehyung's body, frustrated at how little of it he can make out in the low light.

Taehyung squirms beneath him, "you gonna tell me I've got a pretty dick, hyung?"

Namjoon swallows, "I mean, I'm pretty sure I told you that the night this all started."

Taehyung hums, and Namjoon leans in to kiss up his right thigh, enjoying the way it makes Taehyung inhale sharply, watching as his dick twitches against his stomach. He runs his hand up Taehyung's other thigh, overcome with the need to touch all of him, to feel as much of his skin under his fingertips as he can. He's kissed his way up Taehyung's thigh, breath ghosting across his balls and Taehyung squirms beneath him.

Namjoon doesn't know what to do.

Well, that's a lie. He knows what to do but he's still trying to decide how to start. He finally settles on kisses. Kisses are fine, he can handle kisses.

He leaves a wet kiss at the base of Taehyung's cock, working up kiss by kiss until he's got the tip under his lips, precome smearing on his mouth. Taehyung's breath is laboured, but he hasn't tried to make Namjoon move faster, hasn't berated him for drawing things out. He's propped up enough that he can see what Namjoon is doing, so he decides to make it a good show. He takes a deep breath and takes Taehyung into his mouth.

His enthusiasm isn't enough to hinder his gag reflex, so he doesn't get quite as far as he'd hoped.

Taehyung does move at this, bending awkwardly to grab at his shoulder, "shit – don't choke, hyung."

Namjoon doesn't bother saying anything, nodding his acknowledgement and wrapping one hand around the base of Taehyung's cock and propping himself up with the other. He sucks on the head while he sets a rhythm with his hand and Taehyung whines, collapsing back into the bed.

"Can't watch, gonna come too soon."

Namjoon feels an incredible power at that, having that much control over Taehyung. Feels pride in his work. Amateur or not, he's the one getting those sounds out of Taehyung. It's looking at him that's got Taehyung close to coming already.

It's wet and messy, saliva and precome dripping down his hands. He figures out that if he switches to using his hand, lips pressed to the tip of Taehyung's leaking cock, then he can swallow down some of his excess spit without leaving Taehyung oversensitive and waiting.

Namjoon sinks down further on Taehyung's cock, going as far as he comfortably can just to hear a few more of the breathy sounds Taehyung lets out. He flicks his tongue against the head as he comes up, and the building ache in his jaw is worth the way he feels Taehyung's thighs clench, the way he hears the telltale scratch of Taehyung's nails clawing at the sheets beside him.

"Hyung, I'm gonna come."

Namjoon appreciates the warning, revels in the desperate tone in Taehyung's voice. He isn't sure if he wants to let Taehyung come in his mouth, if he's really up for that sort of thing.

"Hyung, seriously – last, fuck, last warning."

Namjoon's indecisiveness chooses for him and he feels a hot spurt of come hit the roof of his mouth. It's bitter, and kind of gross – but Taehyung is whining above him, still coming. Namjoon flicks his tongue and twists his wrist to work him through it until Taehyung is grabbing at his shoulder again, urging him to stop.

Namjoon does his best not to let any of the come slip past his lips. It's quicker clean up, he'll give it that. Taehyung reaches his arms out for a hug, but Namjoon lifts a finger to signal that he needs a minute and makes a beeline for the bathroom to spit it out. It's only moderately successful. He still feels it like an unwelcome film in the back of his throat. It's a good thing they aren't singing tomorrow. They've got interviews though.

Shit, Namjoon's going to be on American television with the ghosts of Taehyung's come in the back of his throat. The thought it surreal, and surprisingly hot. Which is strange, considering he's just learned he's not especially fond of the taste.

When he comes back, Taehyung is propped up on the bed again, looking guilty. "I'm sorry hyung, I did warn you."

"S'fine, Tae, I wanted to."

He crawls into Taehyung's arms, snuggles down so his cheek rests against Taehyung's chest. Taehyung wraps an arm across his ribs to rub soothing circles across his back, Namjoon can feel his heart beat slow and steady.

Nothing feels quite real in the post orgasm haze, and Namjoon has a feeling tomorrow will bring nothing but more questions. But as he wraps an arm around Taehyung's waist, weaving their bodies closer – he’s optimistic about the answers.

Las Vegas, May 21, 2017

Waking up feels normal, or the sort of normal Namjoon got accustomed to when their relationship was anything but. Taehyung is holding him close, one bare leg wrapped around his waist like an anchor. Namjoon doesn’t want to move, and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little afraid.

Everything has been very theoretical up to this point. Soft touches and words of intention, but nothing like this. Namjoon had Taehyung’s dick in his mouth a few hours ago and if that isn’t real he’s not sure what is. So maybe Taehyung will wake up and realize he just needed to get it out of his system, that what he was feeling was more sexual tension than affection.

But then Taehyung is shifting around him, waking up slowly and placing a kiss to the top of his head. Namjoon’s heart is in his throat as he hears Taehyung mumble in his gruff morning voice “I’d kiss you, but I bet you’ve got some wicked dick breath.”

▽

After pinning Taehyung down and giving him a face full of morning/dick breath, the two of them get up and get ready. Namjoon isn’t quite sure where they stand – of where they’re possibly supposed to go from here. It’s not quite awkward, but there’s still a lot unspoken. Taehyung gives him a small smile before heading back to his own room to shower and get dressed.

It leaves him feeling a little vulnerable and makes it hard to focus on just how big the day is going to be. He should be thinking about interviews and press when all he seems to be able to focus on is the way Taehyung kissed him, the way it felt to finally be with him in ways he’d barely allowed himself to daydream about for far too long. But when they meet in elevator, Taehyung says good morning to him, smiles like they weren’t play wrestling in Namjoon’s bed half an hour ago. It feels – okay. Maybe Namjoon was scared of everything changing, and maybe it doesn’t have to. Maybe it’s better if some things do change. Whatever it is, Namjoon feels reassured riding down to the main floor of their hotel with Taehyung and a manager in tow.

When they all meet up it seems like everyone is still pretty tired, sleepless with the restless nerves of what’s to come. They force themselves to eat and talk about how crazy it is where they’re at. How all this compares to their first time in America – with poorly organized concerts and horrifically embarrassing reality tv shows. They’ve come so far. When he looks at the members he sees nervous smiles and bright eyes – he sees his best friends. No matter how far they go, how big bangtan makes it – they’ll always remember what it was like, where they came from, when all this was little more than a pipedream.

▽

The morning and afternoon pass in a sort of blur – moving from one place to the next just trying to stay focused and get through what they need to before the award show. Once they’re dressed and headed for the venue, there are cameras back on them following their every move, getting their thoughts and feelings. They’re crammed into the back of a limo talking about the next few hours, what they mean, what’s going to happen, and just how surreal it all seems, even now.

It's then that the anxiety hits Namjoon. The interviews they’ve been doing so far are carefully planned and performed, with schedules and crew. Once they’re at the award ceremony – everything is in flux. Namjoon needs to be able to speak up for them at all times, on the fly, about whatever mundane and unoriginal question that gets thrown their way. It’s as annoying as it is soothing, really. They’re not asking any deep political questions or even deep musical questions, so the chances of him putting his foot in their collective mouths is a lot lower. On the other hand – most of the questions are just terrible. Still, Namjoon can feel himself starting to get worked up over the hours of effort and scrutiny they’re all about to be under, and he’s barely holding it together as they record a bit for a special BBMA’s focused bomb.

They’re all discussing how they need to work on their English, on how it’s frustrating not being able to express themselves and having to rely on Namjoon to do it all. Namjoon’s mostly happy they aren’t mad at him for doing so much of the talking. But he gets it – it can be hard not to get your point across, to risk seeming like you don’t understand something when really you just lack the tools to express what you do know.

Taehyung is next to him, warm thigh pressed against his own. Namjoon likes it better like this – the uneasy distance between them in Hawaii was almost unbearable. Seokjin and Hoseok are engaging in some sort of impromptu English time when Taehyung speaks up above both of them.

“Rap Monster? Rap Mon?” Namjoon can’t quite get over how weird it feels to actually be called that. More often than not he wishes he could change the stage name completely. He knows Taehyung knows just how weird it makes him feel by the grin on his face, but he gives Taehyung his full attention anyways. “I’m proud of you,” he continues in perfect English, reaching out his hand for Namjoon to take, and Namjoon feels his heart swell as he looks Taehyung in the eye, “Trust me.”