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“That night. On the beach. You was beautiful. So goddamn beautiful but I never told you…,” Kevin whispers. “I shoulda said somethin’ then but I didn’t know how. Didn’t have the words to tell you what you did to me. What you still do to me. Kept tryin’ to forget but I never could. You in my blood. You know that?”
They’re laying in Kevin’s bed after their first night together. The sun is shining through Kevin’s bedroom window and the waves outside are crashing against the shore. Chiron listens to them in the background as Kevin confesses. He doesn’t know what to confess in return, is still attempting to figure out what happens now after making love to the only man he’s ever desired. Kevin’s fingertips are tracing some unfamiliar pattern on his chest while his exhales puff gently against Chiron’s neck. He shivers from the dual sensations, struggling to allow himself to sink into this tender moment between them.
“I wanted to kiss you when we was 12. That was the first time I ever thought about it. Scared me so much I went out and found me a girl to kiss that same day-”
“Don’t,” Chiron cuts him off. This isn’t… He doesn’t want to hear this, doesn’t want to know how many others Kevin had before him or after. He turns his head away, suddenly overwhelmed by an anger that bears no name.
“Listen, I’m tryin’ to tell you somethin’.” Kevin raises his hand to pull him back by the chin. “I was 12 and I couldn’t get you outta my head. I did a lotta stupid shit, I know. Hell, you know. I told you most of it. Truth is, it was you. You like that ocean out there. Big and alive and you drown me, man. You just crash into me and I get caught up. Since we was little you been this, this force inside me. And when I saw you on the beach that night I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop you. You know what I’m sayin’?” Chiron won’t admit it but he understands exactly what Kevin is talking about. “It was you and me and the rest of the world didn’t exist. So I kissed you, and you kissed me back, and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t… You tasted like home. You felt like home.”
Kevin is much braver than Chiron will ever be. Because his words fill Chiron up until he is overflowing, so much so that he blinks in rapid succession. With watery eyes he shifts until he’s facing Kevin. He opens his mouth, thinking now he will be able to speak but his own words still get stuck. His mouth shuts quickly in shame.
“Hey, hey, Black, it’s okay. I ain’t pushin’ you to talk. I’m just. I been fightin’ ‘gainst my feelings all these years and I won’t do that no more. Little Man deserves a daddy who’ll do right by the people in his life. By the people he loves. And if I ain’t gon’ show him how to be a good man no one else will.” Chiron smiles and inhales, believing. Giving himself permission to believe. “I ain’t gon’ pretend no more that this is anything other than what it is. You feel me?”
Chiron leans in, kissing Kevin gently once, twice, before grinning. “Yeah, Kev. I feel you,” he finally says. Then proves it by kissing him some more.
When he reaches out to pull Kevin closer, Kevin goes willingly. Rolling them so that Kevin is on top, he sighs. This is how it should be. Surrounded by Kevin, by all of him. His warmth, his need, his love. Home. Kevin holds his face with large, calloused hands, licking into his mouth with intent. His hips move, grinding down into him, as if melding into him, fusing them bone to bone. Kevin moans deep in his throat, as lost as Chiron in a passion neither of them have experienced with anyone else.
“Want you, Black,” Kevin murmurs between kisses. “Fuck, man, I ain’t never gon' get enough.”
Chiron gasps, his own hunger dilating his pupils. He stares at Kevin in wonder. At the boy he’s loved all his life. The boy who took every other path along the way until becoming a man led him back to Chiron. ‘This is all that matters,’ he reflects. ‘This is what’s real.’
“Anything, Kev. Anything.” He means it too. Whatever Kevin wants, whatever he asks for, Chiron will let him have it.
“Wanna be inside you. Gotta feel you. You gon’ let me in, Black?” It’s a request, and he looks down at Chiron, waiting patiently.
Chiron nods, unable to do anything other than comply. He has never been wanted so fiercely. It’s intoxicating. Kevin begins working his way down Chiron’s chest, kissing and licking until shiny trails are visible. Chiron’s hands land on Kevin’s shoulders. To push him away or encourage him, he’s not sure, but they’re gripping him tightly, his knuckles cracking in protest. Suddenly warm, full lips open around the tip of his manhood, laving it generously. Chiron shudders, almost climaxing right then. Kevin, realizing how close he is, clamps a hand around the base.
“Uh uh, Black. We just gettin’ started.”
He grins wickedly and gets back to work, leaving his hand where it is, controlling Chiron’s release. When a wet finger presses against his perineum before entering him he lets loose a grunt. Kevin must have done this before to touch him so confidently. He can tell he’s not the first. It’s weird how little the fact bothers him. He’s jealous. He wanted it to be him, for them to discover these things together. Yet he’s also a little grateful. Kevin obviously knows what he’s doing. His finger is gentle, teasing his inner walls before another finger enters him. By the time a third is introduced Chiron is past being able to tell where Kevin ends and he begins. He hears himself begging, hears the pleas for more. He hears how desperate he sounds but he refuses to make himself be silent. He needs to be part of the loop Kevin’s creating between them.
“Just breathe for me, Black, I ain’t gon’ hurt you.”
Kevin eases his way inside Chiron, taking his time, watching Chiron’s face for any resulting pain. There isn’t any except a blunt, alien pressure. Then Kevin fills him full, making him his, and Chiron breathes like Kevin told him to.
“You a’ight?” he asks quietly.
Chiron is staring up at him, his eyes wide. He can feel where they are joined. Can feel how hard and big Kevin is inside him. He shouldn’t want this. At least he thinks he shouldn’t. Shouldn’t want it as much as he does. He shouldn’t want to pull Kevin in deeper. So deep he tastes him. So deep there is no going back. Chiron shouldn’t want to keep him here, right here, for the rest of their lives. But he does. Good god he does.
Kevin pulls out slightly, then pushes back in. “Love you, Black. Love you so fuckin’ much…” He starts to move in slow increments. “Baby… Talk to me. You a’ight?” A tear slips out of Chiron’s eye but he brushes it away. Kevin freezes, scared. “You hurtin’?” Chiron sees Kevin startle. He grabs onto his hips so the other man knows it’s okay and moves them himself, his eyelids closing of their own accord. Kevin relaxes, chuckling indulgently. “You gon’ feel this later. That what you want, Black? To keep feeling me inside you, loving you?”
It’s not that he means for it to happen. He really doesn’t think it will. More often than not, all these years later, he gets so tongue-tied around Kevin that anything he attempts to express crumbles right before he opens his mouth. Before his lips form the consonants and vowels. But Kevin has always found a way to listen, to read him like an open book, to make him talk in one way or another. When he hears the word it takes him a second to realize he is the one who said it.
“Yeah…” It’s enough for them both because it’s everything. It means everything.
Kevin’s tone is serious when he responds with, “Good. Cause I ain’t never gon’ stop,” and kisses Chiron sweetly when he cries.