Chapter Text
Sitting in the darkest corner of an unlit room would be depressing enough in and of itself. For Bellamy, it’s the thing that contributes the least to the ridiculous melancholy he’s feeling. It’s been a week, and a question keeps gnawing at his mind. It comes and goes - life is way too complicated at the moment for comparatively trivial thoughts to linger in his conscience.
Bellamy instinctively traces the neat letters of Clarke’s handwriting on the spot of Octavia’s map where he knows he would find them, if only there was enough light.
A traitor…
Octavia’s voice comes back to torment his brain, the roughness and the darkness of her tone highlighting each sound of that sour word.
He scoffs and settles back on his chair, his gaze fixed on the ceiling, as if the answer could come from the damp boards above him. It’s started raining hours before, inexplicably, and he’s beginning to think the wood might be rotting with all that water. It would be a great metaphor for his current state of mind, like any other grim and gloomy thing seems to be.
… who you love.
He could swear her eyes almost softened when pronouncing those words, no matter how blatantly her disgust was seared into them. Not that it could matter to anyone other than him. She would never admit to being vulnerable, after all. Not this Octavia.
Here’s the question. Once again.
That he loves Clarke he has never doubted. He probably loved her even before she sliced Atom’s throat before of his eyes.
No, the question is not if he loves her - as if he could ever truly stop once he’d started. Nor is it why - how can you not when she’s the most breathtaking individual he’s ever met.
But now that everything’s changed - that he’s changed and she is even more - how can he still love her? How can he still hold in the recesses of his heart and soul the crazy hope that one day she’ll eventually choose to stand by his side? How can he feel like a part of himself is missing when he’s had Echo, and Raven, and a whole crew next to him for six years?
And that’s the question he will probably never find an answer to.