Chapter Text
She stands with Cheryl at the window, a rare moment of peace in the middle of their crazy lives.
The group has kind of drifted away, everyone doing their own thing. Jughead is working on his novel, a plate of fries in front of him, Archie is currently locked in an arm-wrestling battle with Sweet Pea as Fangs presides, and Veronica is sneaking looks over Betty’s phone. The rest of the Serpents are dancing, playing cards, or getting drunk.
Cheryl tilts her head a little to press a kiss to the side of her neck “Baby,” she murmurs.
“Hmm?” Toni asks lazily, tightening her grip on Cheryl’s arms that are wrapped around her body.
“What are you thinking?” the taller girl asks her, kissing her cheek this time “You look sad.”
“This night,” she starts slowly “I don’t know why, but it kind of reminds me of the night of the Sisters.”
Cheryl’s arms convulsively exert a little extra pressure, and Toni can feel the sudden stiffness in her body. She twists around to look her girlfriend in the eyes, leans her forehead against Cheryl’s.
“Hey,” she whispers “I’m sorry I brought it up.”
“No, no,” Cheryl shakes her head, tries to smile but falls short just a tiny bit “Don’t be sorry. It’s just……it’s something I have to get over eventually, right? I can’t keep crying about it all the time.”
“That’s not……baby, you went through something terrible, It doesn’t matter how long it takes, you don’t have to get over something just because some time has passed. That’s not how it works,” Cheryl shakes her head a little, and she bumps her forehead against the taller girl’s, wanting, needing to make her feel better “You believe me, right, Cheryl?”
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Toni tells Cheryl to believe her.
Tells her to believe her when she says that she loves her, and wants to be her girlfriend. Tells her to believe her when they’re playing couples blindfold battle (it’s a thing, don’t ask) against Archie and Veronica in the school lawns. Says it when Cheryl is crying and she promises her that she’ll make it all better. When Nana Rose falls down the stairs and Cheryl can’t stop sobbing that she’ll lose her.
“You won’t lose her, baby,” she says, making sure she’s looking right into Cheryl’s eyes.
“You can’t possibly know that, okay?” Cheryl asks her, hysterically “You can’t promise me that….”
“I know, I know,” she whispers, gritting her teeth, because no matter how much she wants to, she can’t “But I can promise you that I’ll be here no matter what. I can promise you that it’ll all be okay.”
And Cheryl believes her then.
It is exactly this fact that makes her feel a billion times worse when Cheryl goes missing the next day.
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She hasn’t slept in two days. She knows she probably looks like a mess, scratch that, she definitely knows she looks like a mess; like an eye-dark-circled, hair-tangled, clothes crumpled, and face exhausted from all the running around she has been doing, but she doesn’t care. She’s talked to every person in the school, who has so much at glanced Cheryl’s way sometime in their life, interrogated all the people who live near Thistlehouse, and nobody knows anything. Nobody’s seen anything out of the ordinary.
“You know you have to eat sometime,” Veronica tells her, plate in hand, resolutely standing in front of her.
“No, I don’t,” she refuses, stubborn, and sees the girl exchange a glance with Sweet Pea. He hasn’t pushed her yet. He shows his worry, his care in other, smaller ways, like making sure she gets to a bed when she crashes for tiny minutes, or helping in her single-minded search for Cheryl.
“If you don’t eat, how are you supposed to search for her?” Jughead tries to reason with her.
“I can’t,” she starts, and her voice cracks, but she refuses to cry. Now’s not the time “I can’t eat, when I don’t know if she is. I don’t know if she’s eating, I don’t know if she’s okay, and I don’t have the time, I can’t, I can’t……”
Nobody says anything after that.
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“If we’re not out in fifteen minutes,” Veronica tells Kevin “Call your dad.”
It’s dark, and it’s creepy, and Toni would probably be a little spooked if her mind wasn’t on Cheryl. They’re all standing in a circle, Archie, Veronica, Sweet Pea, Fangs and Kevin. Betty and Jughead are stuck in the Whyte Wyrm, untangling some mess the Ghoulies had created today morning. Kevin sticks close to Fangs’ side, their hands almost brushing together, and Toni would smile, if not for the fact that the girl who usually holds her hands is trapped inside this dilapidated building somewhere.
“Are you sure you don’t want us to come inside?” Sweet Pea asks her, his eyes solemn in the moonlight.
She shakes her head “You guys stay outside. We’re going to need backup if this thing goes to shit. Just…….keep an eye out.”
Fangs nods at her.
“Okay, then,” she says, with a last look at the guys before she turns “Let’s go find my girl.”
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If Toni stays alive enough to be a thousand years, she would still never be able to forget those five minutes of her life that she spent in a dark theater, looking for Cheryl.
She would never forget the smell of the place, musty, wet, and disgusting. The sheer oppression she could feel, as though the walls were closing in on her every moment she was inside. The way the tunnels seemed to go on and on, splitting off into a million different directions. How dark, and sad, and terrible the place seemed.
But most of what she wouldn’t be able to forget is Cheryl. Cheryl, standing up looking utterly confused at seeing her there. Cheryl, who had tears on her face, and a bruise around her eyes. Cheryl, who looked at her like she was her superhero, like she’d somehow known Toni would find her.
(And Toni both hates herself at that moment, and thinks Of course I’d find you, Bombshell, there isn’t a place on earth that could keep me away from you)
Cheryl takes one step forward, two, slowly, then starts running. They collide, and Toni steadies her as she runs into her (she feels her thin bones beneath her arms, and hates this place with a vehemence that she has never felt in her life, ever), grabs her and pulls her into her arms.
And God, it feels so……..pure is the word for it, she supposes. It feels pure, and divine, and Toni feels relief from the pain she hadn’t even realized had settled into her bones over the past few days, releases a long breath, and breathes Cheryl in. The girl pulls back to look at her, her eyes wide as though she still can’t believe this is real, and Toni leans in to kiss her.
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Archie drives them back. Veronica is sitting next to him, and Sweet Pea is sitting in the backseat with Cheryl and her. Fangs left on his bike with Kevin sitting behind him, a few minutes ago, and she guesses he won’t be back before the morning. Cheryl is sitting quietly next to her, her head nestled into Toni’s shoulder, with their hands tightly locked together.
“Baby,” she turns to whisper “You okay?”
Cheryl nods a little, and while Toni does not believe her in the slightest, she kisses her forehead, and grips her hand even tighter, as they drive back.
Archie smiles at them as they get off, and Cheryl nods back at him, her expression grateful. Veronica touches her hand briefly, and Toni wonders how she got so lucky to have the greatest friends anyone could ever ask for.
“Guys,” she starts “Thank you for…….”
“Oh fuck off,” Sweet Pea booms from the backseat, poking his massive head out “Don’t be an asshole.”
Yeah, she’s pretty lucky.
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That night Toni watches Cheryl break in front of her, watches her cry and sob, and try to tear at her own skin, muttering that she feels dirty. She sees her rock back and forth, teeth biting into her own lips to try and stifle the noise. Hears her cry out for Toni not to leave her when she tries getting up to get her some water. She sees Cheryl at her weakest, at her most vulnerable.
She sees Cheryl bare, and she holds her. She holds her through her tears, kisses them away when she can’t breathe, wraps her up in her arms, and promises her she’ll never let her go. Promises her that she would keep her safe, and that she won’t let anything happen to her, ever.
“I’m sorry I’m a mess,” Cheryl whispers through her tears, and Toni thinks I love you I love you I love you, thinks I’m never going to let you out of my sight, thinks I’m sorry I’m not better.
This is what she says instead “That’s okay. We can be a mess together.”