Chapter Text
I've never in my life wavered so much. I've never so much as re-considered a decision of mine, let alone thought about it for years, to come out with little-to-no answer. And yet here I am once again re-thinking everything that I've done these past weeks.
Hange told me she was gonna corner him today. He's kinda been pushing her and Mike away. They don't like it. Neither do I to be honest. I wouldn't want him to be on his own. It's enough that I bailed on him, he needs someone by his side. I know he tends to bottle things up till he reaches his breaking point, and being alone will only speed up the process. But in the end, we all know it's all about what Levi decides. I wanted to watch from the side-lines while she talked to him, but she told me to stay home and wait for her call instead. She said Levi wouldn't be comfortable talking with me around, and really I know that. It should not take Hange telling me for to think of that but I keep feeling these pangs of regret assaulting my chest at every mention of his name, and I can't watch from the side-lines. I know I gave it all up, but I wanna be able to help him through this. It tears me apart to see how he's just closing up on himself again. but I guess I can no longer do anything about it. I guess I will have to watch as someone else helps him pick up the pieces... I completely deserve this, these chest pains, headaches and mind-numbing worry. Even more so since I don't completely regret my decision.
I question it but I still don't fully regret it.
I'm pacing in my living room, trying to sort through my jumbled-up thoughts, to somewhat compartmentalize them.
1. I know I'm getting closer to finding her. A silhouette keeps getting clearer and clearer. It's like when you're walking in thick fog and you get closer and closer to someone's back. It's not perfectly discernible, but it keeps getting clearer the closer you get to them. A petite woman, frail waist, narrow hips, with hip-long hair, I don't really know why but I can't see colors in this fog, so I can't really say what color her hair is... I also still can't see the face, but I feel like I'll be able to see it any day now. I know I'll be able to see it any day now.
Is she getting closer? Geographically speaking I mean. Is she coming back? Where did she go? Will she recognize me fist? Or will I be able to tell her from the crowd? I don't know... Will I have to explain why I didn't look for her? Has she been waiting for me to find her first? Was that what I promised? Am I willing to find out? Yes Of course. Is it worth everything I did for it? I don't know... For one thing, there's Levi. And I still can't convince myself that what I did to him wasn't 100% wrong. Will it be worth seeing Levi in this much disarray and sorrow? To have lied to him and cast him aside in such a way? To have him hate me this way? I don't know...
Is this guilt ever gonna ease up? Am I ever gonna feel better about causing Levi pain? I doubt it. Will I be able to live with this? I couldn't ignore the guilt of a forgotten promise and ended up breaking up with him for the sake of just that promise. Will I ever be able to live with Levi unhappy on my conscience? This isn't just a promise, someone I have forgotten and that never really bothered looking for me. This is a person that I actually love, someone that I know, someone that I've lied to, and abandoned for no other reason but to appease my conscience. I can't think clearly now that I've caused him grief. Just the thought that I'll ever be able to breathe without feeling this burn is ridiculous. I guess at some point I will have to face him, and explain all of this to him, once I know what's going on. So really, I can only go forth from now. As much as it pains me to do this, I need to banish the thought of going back, grovelling to Levi from my mind.
For now, Hange needs to find a way to help him out of this.
But Is talking to her gonna be enough to convince him to stop pulling away from them? After all, I was the one to introduce them. He might think I'm behind that. He doesn't trust me right now, and thinking that I might be with them might be why he's pulling back. No I don't think so. He's probably not in the mood to be with them right now. He probably doesn't wanna look weak in front of them, doesn't wanna see pity in their eyes. But if, when, they go back to being friends again, will I still have to completely erase myself from his life? I guess it's too selfish of me to wish to be part of the same circle again, as acquaintances or dare-I-say friends. Aside from the improbability of such a scenario, and the revolting greed it emanates from, if that were to happen would I ever truly be only friends slash acquaintances with Levi? Would I be able to see him regularly without feeling the tug at my heart pushing me to hold him in my arms and treasure him? How could that ever be fair to him? To anyone really? Levi will never ask me to pull away from my friends, so will they also be caught in the middle of our break-up? If I pull away from the group, will that help his healing? Mike will never allow it, and I don't think Levi will either. The point of all of this was that the past situation was fair to no one, but is this any better?
A vibration in my left puts a stop to that train of thoughts and I try to chase the tightness in my throat as I read the the message I just got from Hange:" assault on the wall !!!"
My spirits lift a bit as I wonder once again why she likes using that phrase to mean that there's something wrong, and that we should gather at "the wall", our favorite bar. She's such a child, I wonder how she can work in such a renowned research lab. But well, I guess they can see past her childishness and turn a blind eye to her strange-sometimes-ridiculous behavior, if it means having someone as exceptionally smart as her on their team.
I change clothes and head out. The elevator doors ding as I recognize the familiar figure of a scowling Levi. I can't help the "Hey" that escapes my lips even though I know I'm about to get told off.
-"Fuck off". There it comes. I knew it was coming. Like I knew he would hit me when I told him the reason for the break-up. But does seeing a punch make you feel it less? No. It doesn't make it easier to swallow around the tightness in my throat now either.
Levi walks past me without so much as a glance my way, not even a glare, or a look of disdain... Nothing. My eyes follow him until he gets in the elevator, and only then do I notice he's not alone.I hear the young man following him inside the elevator mutter a faint" Is that him? ..." before the doors close and I feel my chest clenching even more at the thought that Levi felt the need to confide in someone. That he, of all people, could trust a total stranger, tell him what's on his mind, and to later on let him into his home... Somewhere in the back of my mind, there's a pungent bitterness at the thought. A fire that burns through my veins and leaves me stiff and tense. I refuse to acknowledge it, as I've given up the right to feel such things the instant the thought of breaking up formed in my head.
There's this feeling though that helps put aside these thoughts. A feeling that tells me I've seen the man somewhere before. And I already know I'll be talking to him someday soon. I try to quell the anxiousness that surged through me at the thought of interrogating the man that got closer to Levi in my absence. I berate myself once again for still having such ideas at this point. That is not, and should not be, the reason I'm doing this. He seemed familiar in the way that Mike and Hange were before I could remember them and my feeling and the way he looked at me, should be the only reason I want to confront him about anything. He might assist me in figuring out what's going on.
I soon reach our usual café. The bells churn as I push the glass doors and step inside the warm cosy place. I spot Hange right away and start heading her way. I feel Bert and Reiner looking me up and down accusingly. They've always been quite attached to Levi. My chest soars with pride at how my... How Levi, unconsciously, and with zero-to-no efforts on his part has, although he keeps denying it, gained people's sympathy and friendship. He believes they're all acting out of fear, but I see respect and care. They'd stick out for him any time, and seeing the way the lovers are glaring at me right now, I'd say they're looking out for any possible faux-pas on my part, any possible way of pay back for what I did to their friend.
Levi will go livid when I tell him. The idea of people, younger people, being overprotective of him will... The thought, though halted, throws me back into the guilt-induced vicious circle I've been getting caught in each time I've thought about the raven-head, and it takes Hange calling out to me to bring me back to the present.
-"You're here! Took you some time..."
-"Yea sorry, I've encountered some..." I trailed off looking for ways to get my point across, "issues that had me immersed in my thoughts on the way here"
-"Oh! So now's Levi's a problem? Or were you referring to the young man tailing him?"
Spot on like usual, but I have no right to admit it, and so I opt for something else less important. And she saw him too?
-"More like Levi's numerous ways of making me feel like the jerk I am." I say and I feel so much more like a jerk now that I've implied that Levi is the one making me feel bad while it's really nothing but. I'm about to clarify that that was not what I meant, but judging by the look on her face I know she caught the bite of guilt in there.
-"Erwin... You know he's going through rough times..."
-"You mean I pushed the rough times right onto him..." That was not the point of me saying that. We're not discussing whether Levi is doing anything wrong here, cos he's not. Of course he's not. I only said that to divert my thoughts from where they were heading, and it's a jerk move again. But now that it's done and that it's brought up, I can't ignore the pain I feel at being rebuked that way... "It's just... I've seen him deliver these to others, just not with this... This much... Anger. And never have I been on the receiving side"
-"Wait it out."
-"And then what?"
-"Then he'll be less... Spiteful."
I hear myself scoff at that.
-"You and I both know he's not doing this out of spite."
-"Yeah, not completely"
-"Look I can't expect anything from him as long as I'm still hesitating. I did all of this to stop wavering all-together and just focus on one thing, but I can't get him out of my mind. And I was stupid to think I would be able to that so easily. I feel even more as a two-timer now than when I actually was closest to being one. And it's stupid to even consider that I could ever expect anything from him ever again."
She snickers and then goes all serious all of a sudden.
-"Then hurry up and solve this. Because contrary to what everyone thinks, Levi is one of the most caring and protective men I know. He'll do everything in his power to stand by those he holds dear and till now, you still belong in that category. You know Levi can be very patient with these people, but It just so happens that these circumstances won't let him show such patience with you."
She's right. I know she is. About Levi going all momma-bear on those he loves. Does that still apply to me? I'm not so sure...
-"How do you know that?"
-"My information. My sources."
I know for a fact that when Hange refuses to name her sources, it means that those are her most reliable ones. And if I still somehow hold part of Levi's affections, then all's different.
-"So what's wrong?"
-"I talked to Levi about how he's been pulling away from us, he denied at first and then said he wasn't on his own. I don't know if he meant it as a nice way to say fuck off, or if it's real. Besides, he's been hanging out with the 3 new kids more and more lately."
-"I honestly have no idea. You know hell would freeze over before we talked, and since I've come to know him, Levi has never been so open with new people. It intrigues me and I can't help my confusion at his new... Acquaintances. And by the way, I was thinking of talking to that kid with steel-grey eyes"
-"Eh? Why him? What made him catch your interest?"
She says that with a mischievous glint in her eyes and topped it off with a wink. I smile as I spot her attempt to lighten the atmosphere.
-"God Hange! No i'm not interested in him! If I could be with anyone right now, you know who I'd undoubtedly be with over and over again."
I can't help adding the second half and of course she is not gonna let it pass.
-"Then why are you keeping yourself from doing just that?"
-"You know exactly why. I can't... Go back now."
Her eyes harden and I find myself fixed with a glare.
-"Then why are you speaking with the kid? You jealous? Isn't that selfish of you to do that now?"
-"I... I'm not..." I stop myself from denying the reason behind the bitterness I still feel running through my veins...The reason that makes me so impatient and anxious to meet the kid and ask about why he's so familiar, inquire about his relationship with Levi... But, as I've been doing lately, I hold that thought and choose the safe route, "He seems familiar. I feel like he could be related to my past in one way or another."
-"Then go talk it out."
She encourages but I can see the look of disapproval in her eyes. She's never been fooled by my lies, and it doesn't seem like they're gonna start working on her now.
************
I'm waiting in a restaurant right now. It's almost time for Eren to come. I've learned his name when I asked around about him. Reiner right out ignored me while Bert gave me the 'you're gonna fuck him now?' Look as he reluctantly nodded when I asked them to relay a note to him, a message that I wrote down on a piece of paper I took from the suggestions notebook lying around on the counter:
"I'll be waiting at "wings" at 5, please be there.
Erwin Smith. "
I'm not sure they did, given how protective they are of Levi. I will just have to try again if this fails. Just as I'm thinking of ways to approach him in the coming days without letting Levi's protectors intervene, I see the young man pushing the door, making the closest waiter turn around at the sounds of the bells chiming. Said waiter welcomes him in and leads him to our table when Eren gives him my name. I greet him and he nods before pulling the chair and taking the seat in front of me.
-"Hello."
-"Hey." he answers. "So what's up?"
I wince at the awkwardness but I have no idea how to start off this conversation.
I stay silent for a while before I chose to small-talk him into answering my curiosity as casually as possible.
-"So I've seen you hanging out with Levi."
-"Yeah, he beat me up and now I'm kissing ass."
I let a laughter seep through my teeth in answer to his joke. Strange, why is he with him all the time if Levi's beaten him before? And why is Levi letting him come so close to him after he's reached the beating stage?
-"Excuse me but I don't see how Levi would purposely beat you up and you'd still be willing to stay close to him?"
-"Oh! He didn't purposely beat me up. He was drunk and he kind of unleashed on me when I got too nosy. I know what it feels like to feel so much you need to unleash and I can't blame him for that. He looked lonely so I chose to stick to him against his will. Now all I can say is that he's barely standing me."
I don't think Levi would just stand him and let him hang around and stick to him if he didn't want him around. Maybe he's seeking company elsewhere now... Maybe it's because this kid's enthusiasm and honestly are strangely soothing. The reason I'm now content drinking in Levi's news from him instead of anxiously dreading their sudden closeness, may be the same one that has Levi keeping him around.
-"I believe something happened between you two that night. But you should know better. He was mumbling about a blue-eyed, asshole... No never mind."
I'm taken by surprise and can only really nod as something flickers in his eyes, protectiveness, respect... I don't want to delve more into it for fear of seeing something in there I'm neither allowed to inquire nor have any thoughts about it. So I'm grateful that he chose that instant to change the subject.
-"I presume this is not why you wanted to meet?"
-"No actually...."
I still don't know how to bring it up. Usually I wouldn't be this hesitant but how do I breach the subject without revealing everything about my memory loss. And what if he really doesn't know anything and ends up asking more questions than I am willing to answer? What if this somehow gets to Levi? What if he thinks I'm just trying to intervene... Again, Eren thankfully cuts off the current of thoughts:
-"I seem oddly familiar right?"
He catches me off guard, and I can feel the rush of adrenaline through my blood.
-"Yes, you do."
-"You know why?"
I'm just glad someone took charge of the conversation for once. I'm so confused I doubt I could lead it like I'm used to. I really don't like talking without some kind of info backing me up...
-"Actually, that's why I wanted to talk to you... You seemed familiar and I, for reasons that I'm currently not willing to expose, wanted to know exactly what kind of relationship we've had and inquire about some of our common acquaintances, if we had any."
-" Well... Yes we knew each other. But I'm sorry to say I'm not in the position to reveal where and when we met and interacted, as I believe you should re-discover that on your own. I understand why you wouldn't tell me and I don't mind. We weren't that close anyway, actually we weren't close at all. But let's just say, a lot of us were willing to put our lives on the line for you. Some of us actually did, and I still would if need be.
-"A lot of you?"
-"You may not have not noticed, but I'm not the only one you've forgotten. But you seem to have forged new bonds with them and I honestly find you guys' current relationship saner, much healthier... It's all better this way... "
-"Saner? What do you mean?"
-"I can't really say."
-"I have the feeling I'm better off not knowing."
-"In a way yes. After all what we lived was horrendous. The memories would hunt you, the fright would come bite you each time you'd feel weak and not leave you for days after that. But not knowing will make you miss out on so much on the other hand. No matter the circumstances, none of us were ever alone. Not one moment were you facing the difficulties on your own. You wished to change things but, never for them to change on their own. You wanted to be the one to bring the change... And we all wanted to assist you in that. Each of us in their own ways."
-"So does meeting you only now mean we succeed? Or the opposite?"
-"Again I can't really say."
He smiles tiredly at me. And I look at the time to see that it was already 6. Our coffees had gone cold long ago. He followed my gaze and then rose up saying it was time for him to go. I couldn't let him pay for a drink he had not even touched, being the one to invite him, so I just pulled a few notes leaving a nice tip for a waiter that knew when to make himself unnoticeable.
My brain kept going through the conversation all the way back to my house, but I still could come out with nothing. Apparently, me, Eren, and some other people I know, and that probably have at some point come in contact with the young man were part of some group opposing something, fighting for a certain cause I presume. I guess it went for a good while since we were able to forge bonds. And then, I presume I was one of the higher-ups since Eren said I wanted to make a change and they were willing to lay down their lives for me... And then I'm the only one to have suffered a severe injury. But then why has no one tried to come to me about it? Why has no one looked familiar like Eren had? He said we were not close, so is this a coincidence or does is mean that I'm getting closer to remembering? But then again, why is everyone I know acting normally? Did they forget too? Is this part of a bigger scheme? Were we all subjected to some sort of hypnosis that made us all lose our memories regarding that period of our lives? Or is this just me over-reading it and just an unfortunate consequence of the accident? After all they could just be good at acting. But then again, was it really an accident? Or was I targeted and attacked to stop me from reaching my goals? Are the others protecting me? Is Eren protecting me by not telling me? Am I protecting Levi by staying away from him? At this point would it really be a good thing for me to remember? Do I even want to remember?
YES!
It's no longer just about her. It hasn't been for a while now. I just want to remember who I was, who I had by my side, and what really happened.
The lift dings and I'm surprised to find myself already in our building. I'm heading out the elevator when I realize I'm walking towards Levi's door.
Why am I still coming here? I don't even have the courage to knock...But I just like hearing the sounds of him moving around inside, making sure he's alive and active. cleaning If he's stressed out, watching TV, and if it's something I know he would never watch then I'm sure he's passed out on the couch. I sound like a stalker this way, and look like one I know, But I have to have some of his news...
I snap out of my daze when I hear a door opening. It's coming from Levi's apartment! And I can't help the sweat that races down my back at the thought that he might have known of my nightly ritual. But then I hear female squealing and Levi's voice. I look up to see a short woman, even shorter than Levi, talking heatedly to him. He smiles at her and my heart sinks. And even if it's a tired smile, God, it's been so long since I've seen one of his smiles... I finally can get my head out of the images of Levi's smiles, smirks, and blushes that have assaulted my mind to find him breaking out of a hug she pulled him in, bringing one of her suitcases into his home. She turns around once he disappears inside, to bring in the smaller one. Her short strawberry hair flows in waves around her face. Her hazel eyes never fall on me, she just takes her second suitcase and gets inside, but the cogs in my mind are already rearranging themselves as 2 realizations certainties sink in.
Petra...
...Petra Ral.
And...
" I swear I'll find you! No matter what!"
I guess that was the promise.