Chapter Text
On his way to meet Foggy Matt suddenly hears Trish's voice, so he stops in his tracks. She's talking to Jessica. "I don't need a vacation. I'm fine."
"No, you're not. You barely slept the last week and almost drowned."
"Jessica is right, there is no crisis at the moment. Get some rest. We could go together!" Karen is also there which shouldn't be a surprise, because those two hit it off from the beginning. Still it's strange to hear them right next to the place Foggy suggested, but those things do happen sometimes. Matt is just more aware of those coincidences that usually occur unnoticed.
"I'm going to get some Whiskey. I can't be sober for this." He really should not be listening to their conversation, but he can't help it. "You know, if this is because of Matt, we can talk about it."
He stops then listening more intendly. Trish makes a frustrated noise. "Fuck, I really wish everything would not end up being about him these days. Jessica is right, I should take some time for myself and clear my head. Figure out what I want."
"Then why don't you?"
"What if he decides to reach out while I'm gone?" She laughs hysterically. "It's not like I want to center my life around a guy who's notoriously unavailable, because of some stupid notion that he is protecting me like this." What is she talking about? It was all too much for HER. She didn't want to do this anymore.
"I know what you mean. Matt is convinced that he alone can save everyone. When really it all could have gone differently, if he had just trusted in Jessica, you and all the others who were helping him." Matt swallows. Karen is saying that it's his fault everything turned out like this. So many people dead, Vanessa, Elektra… And some of the gangsters who saw his face or maybe even knew his identity are still alive. Nobody would be that honest to his face, so he keeps on listening, to know what they really think.
"Yeah, but that's the way it is in his head. He thinks only he can change the way things work in Hell's Kitchen, when really he just makes it harder for everyone else to do so, by trying to do it all alone. He doesn't even see it as him constantly sacrificing himself, because he thinks he's invincible, if he only sticks to his lone wolf mantra."
Karen laughs. "And then he gets angry if you tell him the truth or do something dangerous yourself."
"Right? It's so ridiculous!" Trish whines. "I'm no stranger to taking risks myself, but when I think I won't get out of something alive I turn around and fucking run."
"He'll never do that, not if someone's life is at stake."
"I know and I even admire that about him. The man without fucking fear. Unless it's about letting someone else in. It's his all or nothing approach to relationships that's depressing. Dying for each other is pointless when you could still do good and honor someone's memory that way. And when I told him that I'm not into that juvenile type of romance, where you give your life to protect someone, he pulled away again. He acted like I would reject him." Matt's grip on his cane tightens.
"Did you tell him that you didn't mean that?" No, she did not tell him that and she didn't even properly tell him what her problem was in the first place! Not in so many words.
"Oh, I'm sure, he understood. But he uses every opportunity he gets to end it with me: either I'm distracting him, or he feels manipulated, either I'm too much into Daredevil or he fears I'd surrender to save him. He's trying to protect me by pushing me away and I'm getting tired of that. If we don't work it's not on me, it's his fault." He can't really deny that. Is he a coward?
"I hope you're not talking about Matt Murdock, because the guy has enough he feels guilty about." Jessica is back from her alcohol expedition. Who would have thought that she would be the one to defend him?
"But he just loves feeling responsible."
"Cut him some slack, Trish."
She sighs. "You're right. I'm not giving up yet, just waiting for things to calm down. Which is why I don't want to leave town."
He's heard more than enough, so Matt makes his way over to his friend and soon finds himself engulfed in a warm hug. He just can't focus on whatever Foggy is talking about after what he just heard.
"Matty, are you alright?"
"Yeah, I've just got a lot to think about."
Then he can hear the sound Foggy's mobile makes, as he received a message. His heart skips a beat when he reads it.
"Is it serious? It's okay, if you have to leave."
"No, no. I'm here for you, buddy. I'm not going anywhere."
"What if I want to meet someone, too?"
Foggy waggles his eyebrows. "Who do you want to meet?"
"Foggy…."
His friend sighs. "No, it's fine. I can see when you're upset and not really with me. We'll talk later?"
Matt smiles. "I'll call you." Immediately he stands up to go and talk to his priest. Foggy is immediately back on his phone.
When Father Lantom recognizes his voice in the confession chamber Matt can hear him sigh in relief. The man didn't know he was still alive and he probably followed the news.
"I'm glad to see you back here, son."
"You're happy that I have something to confess, father?" Matt doesn't even crack a smile at the irony.
"After what you have been through, primarily, I'm just glad you're alive. And if you did anything you want to confess to survive: you know you can defend yourself."
"I did much more than defend myself. I almost killed a man."
There is a sharp intake of breath. "But you didn't."
"No." He would love to leave it at that. "Someone else did."
"Are you relieved about his death?"
"I was. But I'm also angry that someone else got to shoot him and the man he was working for was also killed without me even laying a finger on him." The priest waits for him to elaborate. "They made me feel weak and I wanted to show them that I'm not. I'm not their puppet, their plaything or anything they could use at a whim." Matt can feel his hand tremble at those words. Maybe his sins are easier to confess this time around than admitting what Fakedevil did to him. What it made him feel.
"It's human to feel angry about this, but you can't let it consume you."
"Have you listened to me, ever? This is the way I do it, this is what I am. The devil."
The priest's silence speaks volumes, Matt thinks, but his answer surprises him: "It doesn't matter what he did. You could not have done anything to stop them. This doesn't make you weak."
Why isn't the man appalled by his crave for violence? Instead it sounds like he understands, like he actually forgives. But that can't be.... Matt sheds a silent tear, he just can't make himself do that. He may not have been able to do anything when they had him, but before. "I am weak. I should have listened to your advice and accepted help. They should never have caught me in the first place. Many lives were lost, because of that."
"You can't save everyone and sometimes you may also need to be saved. Would you blame the others if them helping would still have resulted in people dying?" Father Lantom sounds firm and sound. "Matthew, I hope you are going to take a break for a while. You sound unstable and I don't want you to do anything you will regret. And I think your friends also don't want to see you get hurt again."
Matt knows the priest means well, but him thinking that he is unstable was not what he wanted to hear. Is he a danger to himself and to others? Maybe they all have a point, maybe he is a liability and he needs to face the fact that in the state he is in right now, he won't be able to save anyone, not even himself. If he hesitates or his hand starts trembling in the wrong moment it could have dire consequences. Or if he doesn't get his anger under control. At least he didn't try to kill Anand Chopra.
He needs to wait for a new suit from Melvin anyway, so after he leaves the church he decides to ask the rich dude he knows if he has a spare house he could use for a week or two. To meditate and heal and just deal with everything.
"Anything you need, Murdock! I'm sorry, I wasn't able to help much against Fisk and all. Would have been fun to use the old Iron FIST against FISK, right?"
Matt sometimes can't believe the guy is for real. "Um, yeah, right… Well, if you ever need some legal advice from a lawyer who isn't after the money..."
"Sure, I know a friend I can ask. Would be more interested in training with you, though. As soon as you're better."
Matt smiles. "I'll give you a call when I'm back. And seriously: Thank you."
Danny laughs. "It's nothing. Don't worry about it. Let me make some calls."
Matt has a feeling the guy is actually buying a house just for him. He also promises to take care of Hell's Kitchen while he is gone. In moments like these it is a huge relief to know other people who understand him. While it is obvious that Foggy still struggles with some aspects of his best friend's life as a vigilante, it means a lot that he's trying to be supportive, even after he almost died again. For Foggy this was just another reminder that life is too precious to fight, so the first thing he did was distract him. They even managed to laugh when Matt informed him that he just learned Punjabi isn't even the most spoken language in India.
Trish's name also came up a lot. Apparently, Foggy is pretty fond of her, despite the fact that she has similar urges to go out on the streets and help people. For her it's not about beating up bad guys who run free, but about standing up for the weak and she is especially protective of the people she cares about. Matt knows he is one of those, although he has been distancing himself again for her sake. She was always the one pushing for more, maybe it is his turn to proof that he'll not run from her anymore and then let her decide if he's still too much drama. But he also needs to honestly show her what she's getting herself into. Right now, he's a mess.
Jessica smiles when Matt informs her that he'll be gone for a week. But her mood darkens when she hears a knock on the door and fucking Lenny Morano stands there. She jumps up from her chair and he shows his hands to let her see that he doesn't have a gun.
"I come in peace." Jessica scoffs. "Ok, I'm not here to attack you."
"What do you want?"
"I don't want any problems with you. I want to make sure that you are still not coming after us."
"Our little deal is done. You shot at us." To be honest, she almost forgot about him and that he knows where she lives.
"He's still alive. And I told Tucker not to aim at his head in the future."
Isn't that just great. "Why should I believe you....?"
"I want to be a lesser evil." The slimey bastard smirks.
"What does that even mean?"
Lenny casually walks over to her desk. "There are several gangs in Hell's Kitchen. We might be the most influential one now, but I'm not an idiot. Power makes us a target for the others. And you were right: I do care about my family and the morons who work for me." He sighs dramatically. "I would be willing to stick to some ground rules and keep this professional between us."
He acts like being a mob boss is a job like any other. "You're not making any sense to me right now, so get to the point before I throw you out of my window."
Lenny chuckles and backs away. "All I'm saying is that you helped me get revenge for my cousin's death. And I appreciate it. In return I promise that we won't try to kill any one of you or anyone close to you in any of our... confrontations."
"Oh, Lenny! You are SO considerate. That's too much", Jessica mocks and rolls her eyes.
He is clearly amused. "I know what you're thinking, but think some more. I just want you to see that Hell's Kitchen has bigger problems than us and I'm just trying to avoid personal vendettas here. We all have too much to lose. If any one of you targets us more than the others, I will take this personally." He glares at her to make sure she gets the warning. "Please, tell that to your devil friend as well." He gives her that trademark sneaky smile, with a little bow added and leaves an annoyed Jessica behind.
The Moranos aren't her problem anyway, but she sure hopes he means what he says for Matt's sake. Tuck's aim is pretty damn good, so him not shooting to kill Daredevil or even hunt for him would be a huge relief. It would even make sense looking at the bigger picture from his point of view to not piss any of the local vigilantes off too much and hope that they in turn concentrate on his rivals. He is practical like that and it is a clever move. But he is still a complete psycho. She has to remember that.
When he called her about this place Matt sounded as if recent events finally caught up with him. Tired and vulnerable. That and the fact that she missed him like crazy made her answer easy: "I'll go with you if you need me." He was contacting her without anyone being in danger which was a good sign.
Matt is standing on a beach right in front of the house Danny Rand probably bought just like that. Trish thinks he asked her along, because he must have eavesdropped on the conversation she had with Jessica and Karen about needing a vacation. She vented a lot about him after that night at Anand Chopra's place. About pulling away from her and making it look like it was her fucking decision. But she also vented about how he handled the whole Fisk situation, how it was his fault that it all turned out so bad. She feels bad now if he heard all of that. And a big part of her thinks Jessica made sure he did. She wrote a lot with Foggy lately which seems very weird and unlikely. But she couldn't know what they actually would talk about.
When she carefully rests her hand on his back, he still flinches at her touch. A wave of nausea overcomes her. "None of this is your fault."
He shakes his head. "But it is. I should never have left you all."
"It's not like you gave yourself up. They took you. That might have happened with us next door as well."
"But I made it easier for them." There is no point denying that. Maybe it's better that he thinks that way, even if it's no guarantee he'll act differently next time.
He then takes his shirt off and slowly walks into the water. Trish reluctantly follows, trying to hide her shock after seeing all the cuts again for a moment.
When they later lie down on a couch wrapped into two blankets she drifts to sleep slowly and after a while she finds herself in his head lying next to her. "This is weird."
For a moment he seems confused, then she can hear him chuckle softly. "You want me to carry you to bed?"
"No, I think I'm comfortable. You could be closer."
"But you're sleeping..."
"Matt, I'm literally asking you to."
She can feel Matt shuffle a bit and put an arm around her sleeping figure.
"I didn't think before... Doesn't the water scare you now?" It's such a quiet whisper she doesn't think she would have heard it if his voice wasn't currently in surround sound.
"The thought of you being alone scares me more."
He is clearly moved by that. "Why are you still with me…?"
"You mean, why am I not bothered that you don't want me?" He blinks in surprise. "Because I know that you do, you idiot."
He closes his eyes and she can sense a single tear escaping and rolling down his burning cheeks. "I don't deserve you."
No, this doesn't work like that. "Wake me up."
"What?! No! You need sleep." Ha! His voice is too loud. She can feel herself stir away already.
"This is important." Trish forces her eyes to open and turns around to look at him.
"Where were we?" She yawns. "Ah, right: No, you don't deserve me. But I deserve you and I'm just going to stay until you get that into your stubborn head. It looks like I can't stay away from you anymore, even if my brain insists that I should."
That earns her a sweet kiss. "It's a smart brain though." He's still hesitant, but it's the first time since he's back that he really lets her see and sense what he is feeling for her which is encouraging.
She is so glad he did reach out to her. “What made you call me?”
“I realised something." He takes her hand in his the way he used to. "What I had with Elektra was powerful. You don't know what it feels like when someone dies for you. It's unimaginable.” She doubts that. She lost count of the number of nightmares she has had of him dying to save her. It leaves a vague idea and it's not a good feeling.
“You changed my perspective. I was desperate when I was reviving you. But you would have died doing something you believed in. Something I coincidentally believe in as well with all my heart. Giving up on life, by ending it or throwing myself in situations that would ensure I won't make it out alive, would not honor you. If - god forbid - anything happens to you and I'm somehow not able to save you despite doing everything in my power... I want you to know that I'd try to be strong." Trish feels tears form in her eyes. "And if it was the other way around I would want you to remember me the same way and move on eventually. It's a beautiful thought."
He definitely heard her say something like this to Karen. Trish is speechless, but he continues: "I used to think that sacrificing yourself is the ultimate proof of a deep connection and frowning at it is something people do who have never felt that way. Now, I don't know anymore. In my experience it's harder to keep on living sometimes. So, maybe that is the ultimate proof. All I know right now is that I just don't want to waste any more time running from you, if you're still open to giving this hopeless sap another shot.”
“Damn, Murdock….! You already know I'm bad at resisting you and then you start talking about feelings… That's just not fucking fair!” She groans.
Matt smiles. "I'm not going to make a habit of it."
She kisses him sweetly and indicates moving the blanket away. "May I?"
And he gives her permission swallowing his fear and letting her look at all the new scars those fresh wounds will leave on his body. "You're sure, you don't like getting hurt a little?"
His face is completely open when he says: "Do you want me to…? Do you want to hurt me?"
"God, I really hope not." She blushes. "Or I guess I hope you don't use sex as a way to punish yourself or something… It wouldn't surprise me to be honest."
"It's really more like whatever turns you on, works for me. I can smell your arousal."
When she starts tracing one stitched up cut he shudders so she stops.
"No. I don't want to hurt you. I didn't want to watch you get hurt either." And it's a bit of a relief to her.
"If you're sure... But I really wouldn't judge you."
She then starts kissing his unharmed skin and he sighs slowly relaxing. They are done talking, because there is nothing left to say for now. Matt seems to be okay with her touch, because he does not flinch anymore, but she's trying to go slow which is incredibly effective. For someone with his amount of pain tolerance he's surprisingly sensitive - due to the enhanced senses, she's sure. He probably feels his injuries as acutely, but must be very good at hiding or blocking it, especially since he doesn't take pain killers. Not a thought she wants to linger on in that moment. Instead, she is suddenly very fascinated by finding out where he enjoys her attention most. It's helpful that she picks up on him feeling uncomfortable whenever it happens. And sure enough sometimes his wounds are in the way and he just doesn't care. His hands are touching her as well, but she tries to concentrates on him. When she starts kissing his neck, his breathing stops for a moment and she hesitates until she hears him whisper: "Don't stop. Please."
She continues then treating his body like an instrument and provoking very interesting noises. After watching his orgasm reflects on his face she kisses him tenderly. But he's still moving, suddenly concerned. "You didn't…" Fuck his senses. Any other guy would have been fooled. She kisses him again to relax him. "Don't worry. I was just watching you and it was mesmerising. This was all I needed. You're all I need." He blushes.
"We could do it again… or I could…"
She traces his side with her fingertips making him shudder. "Sure you're up for it?" She smiles when he kisses her gratefully. "Maybe not right now…"
"By the way, how on earth did you neglect to notice that I had a major crush on you? You can hear my heartbeat, you can tell when I didn't come, but you thought I was just fooling around with you...!"
He sighs and hugs her close. "I've noticed a lot of girls react that way, but it never sticks."
"A lot of girls, huh?" He just shrugs. And she realises for the first time that it's not bragging. It's actually the opposite, he's a big flirt that was never able to be honest with any of these women, except for Elektra, Claire and Karen when it was too late.
"So, what happened? Eventually you had to break up with all of them?"
"No. Some were just interested in hooking up. Others probably were not interested in a blind guy long term and the rest lost interest, because I was pretty closed of." There is one all-in kind of guy, a total catch and a total sap, who'd give his life for the woman he loves - which she really hopes he won't do anymore - and he's unavailable because of stupid secrets. So they must have broken his heart a lot. Well, good for her. Of course, Trish is really hates his self sacrificing tendencies. The sappy part is growing on her though.
"It's not like it was their fault. But I'm just... I try not to expect much. Even Claire couldn't deal with this. Elektra was the only one I could be myself with. Of course she wasn't able to be herself around me, so that was destined to fail."
"That sounds lonely."
"It wasn't as bad as you think." He chuckles. "And I picked up some nice tricks along the way. You get to enjoy them now. Maybe later." The suggestive smirk says it all.
"So, you are a player. Admit it!"
"I may not have been serious about all of them, but none of them have anything to complain about. I promised them nothing. And some just left, before I could. None of them ever understood, much less accepted me the way you did."
"So I'm the lucky girl who found out about your secret and you're stuck with me now, because you don't have to lie? Is that what this is?"
He frowns. "Is that what you think? You don't strike me as insecure."
She's not. But it's not like he chose to tell her, like he did with Karen. Trish doesn't voice her doubt though, knowing that he'd just fucking let her leave him then. "I'm not."
And of course, he sees through that, hearing her heartbeat. "Well, if it helps: I'm not very trusting and even more reluctant to tell people I like about who I am. But I would have told you someday. You were just crazy fast at figuring it out."
"Well, we'll never know now." She totally forgot that he'd hear her mumbling.
"What?! Trish, where does this come from suddenly?!" He actually chuckles now. Not even taking her concern seriously enough, which somehow is a relief. A sign that he's not pushing her away again. God, they're weird. "You wanted this, right?" He gestures between them, because…. Yeah… She had to be quite insistent, hadn't she? And now she suddenly noticed: Hey, he never picked me!
"Look, it's silly, don't worry about it. I'm just being vain and confused… You would have a lot of options, look at you! Being Daredevil and all. I just want to be the one you chose, not the one who fell into your lap and annoyed you until you trained her and after you finally gave in you sleep with her, because of crazy sexual tension. And then your ex dies to save you and I wouldn't." There she takes a breath to go on. "Am I a consolation prize? Does this have a future? You risk your life all the time, which is noble and all and I like helping you, but… Why am I freaking out now?" She stops, then she realises. "I thought I already lost you…"
He hugs her. "Ssssh…. I'm here. And I'm glad you don't want to risk your life for me. It's really the last thing I want."
"But you don't need a girlfriend who breaks down every time you get hurt. And I hate freaking out."
"You didn't do that before. This is the first time, but not the first time you've seen me injured."
"I think I've never seen you not injured." She rolls her eyes. "But I don't want to see that ever again."
He chuckles. "I'm sorry to break it to you, but you will." Then he adds: "And now you know how I feel about you fighting." He chuckles again. Well, as long as he laughs like that about it, she might be able to deal with it. She just has to check that he's not just joking around to hide how he really feels. And right now, her worries are indeed amusing to him. Asshole.
She slowly lets go of him, suddenly embarrassed by her behaviour. "That was very dramatic. Sorry for making a scene." Ugh…. This is what she was afraid of, turning into one of those girls, who fall for a hero and then get sucked into his drama. And she thought being Hellcat would make her different.
"No, don't be ashamed, please. I remember breaking down after you rescued me as well."
"You were tortured for five days."
"And you needed to be strong the entire time to be able to save the reckless damsel in distress. I remember you being very angry with me about that." He smiles.
Trish throws a pillow at him. "I still am, by the way. Don't ever do that again."
Matt laughs and suddenly tilts his head, listening to something else. "I just heard some idiots outside talking about beating someone up… and I'd like to get back to our earlier activity after we've taught them a lesson. Together."
She smiles. "We didn't bring any suits or costumes."
"But I have a hoodie and we brought sunglasses..."
"Then, what are we waiting for…?"
"Just don't let anyone punch you in the face. Rule no. 1 of how to protect your secret identity."
"And my sunglasses."