Chapter Text
It was disgusting, sitting next to Yaxley at a meeting and having to listen to him scarfing down fried chicken. The smell was unbearable, and the chewing sounds were even worse. If that weren't enough, he would wipe his greasy hands on everything, starting with his pants, the tablecloth, and sometimes Amycus' sleeve. One time he tried wiping his hands on Snape's hair, but that was already so greasy that he put one hand on the back of his head and slid right out of his chair. To make matters worse, Umbridge seemed to have been elevated to sniffy old lady status, and she was giving Yaxley a disapproving sneer from across the table.
"Why is she even here?" Yaxley asked, pointing to Umbridge with a crispy chicken leg. "She's not a Death Eater. Who invited her to this meeting?"
Lucius sighed, pouring himself another glass of wine. It was the only thing that made these meetings bearable. When his wife asked him if all that wine was really necessary, her husband motioned with a nod towards Amycus, who was busy licking grease off his shoulder with his monstrous caterpillar tongue.
"Is that necessary?" Lucius queried.
Narcissa stared at Amycus, watching him wrap his tongue around the back of his chair. "No, I suppose not."
By the time they were halfway through the meeting, Lucius was completely gassed and had started sliding out of his seat. He dropped to the floor beneath the table, where he encountered Alecto, who was busy searching for her lost rice. He also encountered a decent amount of chewed gum that somebody had stuck to the underside of the table.
"Does master wishes for more drinky winky?" asked Jam the house elf. She offered a bottle of cinnamon fireball whiskey, which was definitely not suitable for prestigious Malfoy. However, in his already inebriated state, Lucius thought it would be a good idea to drink it anyway.
He downed half the bottle in one go, spilling most of it down the front of his robes. Bellatrix could be heard giggling at the far end of the table, her sister producing curious glances as Lucius got down on his hands and knees and started running in circles around the table.
"Great Auror work takes time," Lucius muttered, hurrying along with his nose to the carpet, sniffing the fibers like a dog. "Ah yes, an armadillo passed by a short time ago."
Yaxley set aside his fried chicken, leaning over and peering down at his companion. "Armadillo, you say? By any chance did you happen to see a monkey as well? I still need to send one to my pen pal." But Lucius ignored him, continuing his ceaseless chant while crawling around in circles.
"Great Auror work takes time. Ah yes, an armadillo passed by a short time ago. Great Auror work takes time. Ah yes, an armadillo passed by a short time ago. Great Auror work takes time. Ah yes, an armadillo passed by a short time ago. Great Auror work takes time. Ah yes, an armadillo passed by a short time ago. Great Auror work takes time. Ah yes, an armadillo passed by a short time ago."
Bellatrix threw her head back, cackling like a rabid hyena. Narcissa was positively mortified, Amycus was lowering his tongue onto the floor to see if he could trip Lucius with it, and Alecto was busy being cute like always.
Meanwhile, Voldemort's sour expression had stretched into a deep scowl. He sat perfectly still at the head of the table, his robes splattered with copious amounts of grease and saliva. He made a mental note not to sit down between Amycus and Yaxley next time. He had just opened his mouth and was about to speak when Amycus succeeded in tripping Lucius, who plowed headfirst into the table leg.
In an instant Narcissa had abandoned her seat at the table, lowering herself to her knees beside her husband. "It'll be alright, darling," she said, glancing around at the others while patting Lucius on the back. Unbridge gave a disapproving sniff, accidentally inhaling far too much grease and choking on the fried chicken fumes. She too made a mental note not to sit next to Yaxley next time.
"Dizzy..." Lucius muttered, swaying slightly in his seat. Beneath the strands of silvery hair that had fallen into his face, his appearance had turned a sickly shade of pale green, matching the peridot gemstones set into his serpent broach. The others were given a moment to realize what was happening before the blond aristocrat pitched forward and vomited all over Yaxley and his family size bucket of KFC.
Severus quietly snorted, covering his mouth with his hand to conceal his amusement. Umbridge might have found it amusing if she hadn't been located in the splash zone.
Alecto poked her head above the table. "Uh oh, stinky!"
The others slowly turned towards their master, waiting for the inevitable eruption. Narcissa, although terrified that Volemort would torture her husband as punishment for causing a scene, hurriedly tried to locate something she could use to clean up the mess. She managed to locate a packet of cereal wipes in her husband's pocket, and was now using them to wipe the vomit off his face and chin.
"I'm so sorry, my lord!" she muttered, fumbling with the packet of wipes. "He hasn't been feeling well lately. Perhaps a case of food poisoning or maybe the flu or - "
She was cut off in mid-sentence but a sudden flash of light illuminating the corners of the room. Her heart lodged itself in her throat, fearing for the worst until she looked down and saw that her husband had been transfigured into an armadillo.
Volemort allowed himself a rare smile. "It appears as though Lucius was correct. An armadillo did pass by a short time ago. Best remove him before Nagini decides she's hungry."