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The events that day is still fresh in my mind, how my score flashed on the giant screen, 156.65, a virtual tie, 238.26 overall, 1.31 points less than Alina. I can't help but wonder if there is something that I could have done to win. Anything to make me win the gold instead of silver.
“You should have seen Mika’s face. It's so hilarious! Um, Zhenya?”
I can only sigh in frustration as I once again think of the things that could have been better. I know I can do better!
“Zhenya!”
“W-What!?”
“You're staring blank ahead again. What's on your mind? You can tell me anything.”
“I'm sorry, Katya. But I rather not talk about it.”
“Are you okay?”
“Of course. I think we should get moving. We've been here for hours. The barista is starting to look at us oddly.”
“He should be thankful that we're here everyday. Come on, let's go. We still have lots to do.”
With that we went out of the café and started strolling the busy streets of Moscow, away from the problems crowding inside my head.
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In the confines of my room, there is only me and my thoughts. There is no strong distraction that can conquer the doubts inside my head. Will this be the end of me? I may be strong-willed but I'm not blind and I'm not stupid either. My jumps are starting to abandon me, my flexibility is waning, my body is not holding up well. What will I do now? The night is still young and I can tell that tonight I will not be able to sleep well.
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This year, same as last year, I also got invited at Fantasy on Ice. I am so glad that my rehab went well and I made it just in time for this ice show. I miss my skater friends whom I haven't really heard from since the Olympics ended. And as I walk to the locker room for the first day of practice, I can't help but feel excited. I am looking forward to see my Bestie, Wakaba. I haven't been with her since Cup of Russia. Worlds should have been our long-awaited reunion but I have to withdraw because of my injury. I'm excited for our mandatory girl bonding and sleepover. Anna will also skate here. Her back injury healed up well. I also look forward to see Misha once again, not only as a guest skater but also as our choreographer. This will be the official start of his choreographing career. And then, there's him. The man who I look up to. The man who has risen to the top through obstacles. The man who I have fallen in love with a long time ago. I tried not to but I am weak. I have fell. And I fell hard.
“Zhenya!”
“Waka!”
I ran towards my friend and hugged her tightly. I missed her so much. We contact each other everyday through LINE but nothing beats personal hugs and chit-chats.
“How are you? Is your injury well?”
“It's fine now. I missed you. We only met once last season. We need to catch up with each other.”
“That only means one thing…”
“SLEEPOVER!”
“Awwww. You two are so cute!”
“Misha!”
I ran to my friend and gave him a big warm hug.
“I missed you, Sailor!”
“I missed you too, Stitch! Congratulations on being our choreographer.”
“Oh, Jeff and Brian are still the main choreographers. I'm just here to help a little.”
“But still, I hope that this will open the doors for your new path.”
“Thank you. You're such a good friend.”
“I know right.”
He just laughed at my joke and we continued talking. Our group expanded when one by one, Satoko, Gabrielle, Karen, Zijun and Anna joined in. I can also see the boys in the corner playing their favorite game, MonHun, with Shoma and Sota the most passionate ones on their group. Johnny, Stephane and Evgeni talks animatedly in another corner. All of the cast seems to be already on the venue, except for one. My head keeps moving side to side in an effort to find him, to no avail. Satoko seem to notice my agitation and can't help but ask.
“Who are you looking for, Zhenya?”
Before I even answered her back, Misha cheerfully noted something.
“Oooh. Here comes yellow bear.”
True as he said, I saw him with his famous Pooh tissue holder in his arms walking closer to us. His aura is palpable around the room. Other skaters stopped what they are doing just to greet him which he politely returned back.
“Hi Zhenya!”
“H-Hi! Good m-morning.”
I can feel my cheeks heating up. I tried to hide it by pretending to find something in my bag.
“Uh, Yuzu, Zhenya is not the only one in the room. Me here! Satton there! Waka there! Gabby! Karen! Zijun! Anna! We deserve some love too.”
“You're so overacting, Misha. Okay, good morning to all of you.”
“There you go. Good morning, Yuzu!”
With that Yuzu went to the boys and started playing MonHun too. Our talk also continued from where we left off. But not until I heard Misha whispered something that only I can hear.
“Lovestruck Yuzu…”
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I can clearly remember where all of that started. It was at Cup of Russia. Me and Misha were having a light meal during our break at the gala practice. We we're talking about anything we like to talk about when all of a sudden Misha made a strange remark.
“He has fallen.”
When I looked at the direction where he was looking, I saw that he's looking at Yuzu sitting on the ice after a failed 4Lz attempt.
“Of course. That's expected. It's his new weapon. He needs to polish it more.”
“That's not what I meant.”
“Huh?
“I meant, he has fallen. For you.”
“W-What are you talking about?”
“Haven't you seen? Whenever he jumps he always looks at you.”
“M-maybe he just want a jump battle. That's all.”
“That's not the kind of face he has whenever he wants a jump battle.”
I looked at Yuzu and the look I saw gave me a shock. He looks at me with a sense of longing. When he realized that I'm also looking at him, he quickly turned around and proceeded to talk to Ondrej. The look he gave me, it sent my heart into overdrive. I started to like him during GPF 2014. His aura on ice is so commanding. Back then, he triumphed over injuries that threatened to stop his quest to the top. And yet, he conquered it. I remember the first time I saw him personally was at the corridor backstage. We're going on a separate direction and it is inevitable that we'll face each other. He is the reigning Olympic Champion, World Champion, and now two-time Grand Prix Final Champion. While I'm just a lowly Junior skater. Well, I'm the Junior Grand Prix Final Champion. But still, I'm just a junior. I'm making my debut at the senior circuit next season and I'll do my best to emulate him. He's such an inspiration to me. But now, the thought that I'll see him face to face makes me feel anxious. I just bowed down my head and walked faster just to get this over with. Hopefully, he won't notice me. But my plan didn't work when I heard his voice addressing me.
“Hi Evgenia!”
I can't help but blush and let my jaw drop from the attention he gave me. My shock must be very evident in my face cause he now looks confused. I just dropped my gaze once again and greet him back then walked away afterwards. But then I remembered that it's his birthday today. I stopped walking and with my little Japanese skills, I tried to greet him.
“Hanyu-senpai, Otanjoubi Omedetou!”
I quickly turned around once again and ran away as fast as I can. I can feel my cheeks heating up. So embarrassing!
Yuzu’s POV
She's so cute. And pretty. Too bad she ran away so fast. She didn't give me any chance to thank her. Then, I saw Nobu walking towards me with a smile on his face.
“Happy Birthday, Yuzu!”
Without looking at him, I looked at the direction where Zhenya went and said my heartfelt gratitude.
“Thank you.”
“Awww. You don't need to thank me.”
I just shake me head in amusement. Not you, Nobu. Not you.
Zhenya's POV
My thoughts were shaken when the choreographer announced that the break is over. It's impossible. Misha is mistaken. I can just sigh and shake my head in disagreement. I turned around to face him.
“Stop being crazy, Misha. It's impossible.”
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I'm so excited for our sleepover. Instead of just me and Wakaba, Satoko, Gabrielle, Karen, Zijun and Anna decided to join the fun. Which is a good thing, the more the merrier. We get together on Wakaba’s room and started our talks. Karen suggested to play a game which made me a little nervous.
“Let's play truth or dare!”
“Okay!”
When the question is directed towards me, I can feel myself sweat. This won't be good.
“Truth or dare?”
What will I choose? If I choose truth, I'll be forced to tell them one of my secrets, depending on what they'll ask me. If I choose dare, I fear that I'll be forced to do an embarrassing thing. Ugh, whatever! I just sighed and gathered all my strength. Hopefully, I made the right decision.
“T-Truth…”
“Okay. Who do you like? And by like we mean like, crush.”
“U-Uhm…”
This is what I'm talking about. I don't know if I'm ready to tell them the truth. Maybe they won't know if I lie a little bit.
“Uhm, Shoma?”
The atmosphere in the room suddenly dropped. From the corner of my eyes I can see Satoko having a dejected look. I know that look too well. It's a look of a girl with crushed hopes. So does that mean that she likes Shoma? Then, I probably said the wrong name. Who shall I say then? I think I should tell the truth. They are my friends. I think they can keep my secret safe.
“Actually, no.”
“Huh? Then who do you like then?”
“It's… Yuzu.”
I can see all of their eyes bulging from shock. It makes me nervous.
“B-But… you'll keep my secret, right?”
“Of course! That's what are friends are for.”
“Thank you! Oh, do you like drinks? I'll buy for you all. My treat. I'll be quick!”
Satton’s POV
I really thought that Zhenya liked Shoma for a second there. Good thing that she's just bluffing. Because… I like Shoma. I know that he doesn't see me that way, that I'm just a friend for him, but I'll still keep liking him as long as I can, even if he doesn't like me back. Then I noticed Gabrielle in a deep thought.
“Gabby, are you alright?”
“Yeah. I just… I remembered Yuzu saying to us that he already like someone. Zhenya would be sad to know that.”
Wakaba, Zhenya's ever reliable bestfriend, got curious to whomever Yuzuru liked.
“Oh my God. Really? Who is she? Do we know her?”
“Me and Javi keep on pestering him about it. We even bribed to buy him the expensive earphones that he likes. But he won't budge.”
“Awww. Too bad. I want to help Zhenya and maybe it'll be easier if I know what kind of girl Hanyu-senpai likes.”
I can't help but giggle at what I heard. If they only know.
“Satton, why are you giggling.”
“Guys, Zhenya doesn't need our help.”
“What?”
Suddenly, we heard a knock. When we opened the door, we saw Zhenya with a bag of drinks. They didn't had a chance to clarify what I said. And I just like it to be that way. After all, I promised to keep his secret too.
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“Woah. I never thought that you're good at playing MonHun.”
“Not really. Someone just thought it to me.”
“And that someone is…”
“S-Shoma.”
The room was enveloped by silence. Meanwhile, I can feel my cheeks heating up. I heard a chuckle from him. When I looked at him, I can see that he has a knowing smile on his face.
“You like him, don't you?”
“I do…”
I find no reason to deny it any longer. He has seen through me and I know that he'll keep it a secret.
“But since you lost…”
“Oh no.”
“You have to tell me who you like also.”
I can see that he's contemplating if he'll tell it to me or not. And I won't even force him if he doesn't want to. I respect him since he's still my senpai. Finally, he look at me with his eyes full of determination.
“Since I keep my promises, okay, I'll tell it to you. But can you promise that you'll not tell it to her or to anybody?”
“Of course.”
He looked downwards keeping a peaceful face. I can also see a shadow of a smile in his lips. He really looks like a man in love.
“I really like Zhenya.”
“That's not a surprise.”
“Huh?”
“Zhenya is a nice girl. It's not hard to fall in love with her. And if her actions speaks for herself, I think she likes you too. Honestly, you'll make a lovely couple.”
He only replied with a sad smile and a look that explains everything in his mind, longing.
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“What makes you think that Luna-san is better?”
“She's a super cat!”
“Pooh-san is a super bear!”
“All he knows is to eat honey and dance weirdly.”
Seriously, who can argue in this cold, early morning, in the middle of the rink, about their cuddly tissue boxes but Pooh and Sailor. I feel like I, the good Stitch, am only the mediator between this two lovebirds, not that they already acknowledge that.
“I see that they're at it again.”
I glanced to my left and I saw Javier skating closer to me. He has an amused look on his face.
“Yeah. What's new. They're always like that.”
“Now I suddenly got curious. How did those two got that close to each other?”
“Yuzu requested me to introduce him to Zhenya and from there they just clicked.”
“Wait, it was Yuzu? Not Zhenya?”
“Zhenya is so shy around him. He can't even look at Yuzu straight in the eye. So Yuzu made me help him to make friends with Zhenya.”
“Ahhh. Now I know.”
“Know what?”
“Yuzu told us that he already likes someone but he won't tell us who it is. Now I know.”
“I also think the same. Sad thing is they are Yuzuru Hanyu and Evgenia Medvedeva. It won't be easy considering who they are.”
And that's the sad truth about all of this. Because of the immense pressure from their fans, their country and them, themselves on their shoulders, they tend to sacrifice a lot of things, love included. Javi and I talked for a little while. Yuzu and Zhenya continued to bicker until Jeff cut them off.
“Hey, you two! Stop it! You look like an old married couple bickering!”
They immediately headed to the opposite side of the rink, Zhenya with her friends and Yuzu with Shoma and Nobu, blush evident on their faces. I hope that they'll pull through this obstacle. I'll just trust them.
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I can't help but reflect with what Jeff had said. Do we really look like a married couple? We're just doing our usual arguing about trivial things. Besides, Yuzuru will never like me that way. His kindness is just innate to him. I can't thank him enough for his support during my trying times. Though he won't say it, I know that he cares. He tried his best to make me smile during the gala practice at the Olympics. He stayed by my side. He cracked jokes. He even gave me a Pooh stuffed toy to lighten my mood. He's also going through a lot yet he still found it in himself to make me smile. He's really sweet. Maybe Misha’s right. Maybe Yuzu also likes me. No, Zhenya! Stop thinking that Yuzu will loves you back! It's impossible! I'm not paying attention to where I was going and I got off-balance. I was preparing for a painful fall but it didn't came. Instead when I opened my eyes I was met by Yuzu's brown ones, his hand around my waist.
“Hey, be careful. If I didn't caught you, you could have fall.”
“Awww…”
Kawaranai (I Believe)
Omoi wa
Tatoe donna koto ga atte mo
Mou kowakunai (Don’t be afraid)
‘Cos I’m with you
Tomo ni egaku mirai no saki he
Hitori ja nai
I’ll be by your side
Shinjiru yuuki wo
Tsuyoku mune ni daite
I Believe
When I looked around I saw all of the skaters staring at us with knowing smile on their lips. Even the music seems to tease me. I can feel myself blushing slowly. I can't stare at Yuzuru straight in the eyes and I felt like I'm melting.
“Are you alright?”
“Y-Yeah…”
I may have not fallen physically but emotion-wise, I am falling for him harder.
“Let's get back to practice.”
I controlled my rapidly beating heart. I can't let him see me fall. I can't.
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We we're making our way outside the rink when a a staff approached us.
“Hanyu-senshu, Medvedeva-senshu, can we have a little of your time? We'll just film an interview as a part of the ice show’s fluff piece.”
“Sure.”
We changed to the official FAOI shirt and proceeded backstage for the interview. We sat down and the interview started.
“First of all, we like to congratulate you both on your successful Olympic Games.”
“Thank you so much.”
“Hanyu-senshu, you have won your second consecutive Olympic gold medal from being out for 3 months. What's your thoughts about it?”
“This is first time that I can fully say that I'm completely satisfied with everything I have done. I gained happiness from this experience despite the sacrifices that I have to make.”
“How about you Medvedeva-senshu? You are undefeated for two seasons only to be beaten in the most important competition of this season. How do you feel?”
That question felt like a slap. It's harsh but it's true, I failed in the most important competition. And unlike GPF or Worlds, the Olympics will only be held after four years.
“I did my best and I poured my heart in that performance. I couldn't have done it better. I have no regrets.”
Liar. I had numerous sleepless nights thinking about how can I have done it better. On how I could have win. On how my heart broke because of my results. The gold is so close. So close yet so far.
“How is your injury? We got told that you had difficulty in retrieving your jumps.”
And they are not wrong. I really had difficulty getting my jumps back. I feel like I'm just a shell of my old self.
“Coming back after an injury will always be hard but this situations will just make you stronger.”
Did I really became stronger? I felt quite the opposite. I feel weak. Frustrated. Tired. It's so hard to go on. I felt like I've had enough.
“What are your thoughts regarding girls jumping 3As and quads. Do you think you can beat them?”
“I'll do my best to be competitive with the other skaters. I'm also planning to increase my technical content. I'll practice more to achieve it.”
But how? Even my jumps is starting to abdandon me. My PCS scores are close to the brim. I feel like crying but I'm still in front of the camera. I tried to control myself and proceed with the interview.
“You know, we skaters, we feel very happy to participate in these kinds of ice shows. It gives us the liberty to skate in a non-competitive environment where we ourselves became happy while also making our fans happy. To be honest I'm feeling quite ecstatic myself.”
I looked at Yuzuru feeling quite thankful. He sensed my discomfort in talking about all of this negative things and he tried to redirect the focus of this interview.
“I'm sure Medvedeva-senshu is feeling happy too, don't you Zhenya?”
He looked at me with an understanding gaze and I smiled at him thankfully.
“Of course.”
The interview continued smoothly but it's hard to be cheerful on the outside while you're just a wreck on the inside. I just want to withdraw, shut myself to the world and cry all of the pain away. When the interview finished and we made our bows I quickly walked away. I can hear Yuzuru calling me but I didn't stop. I just want to be alone.
“Next time…”
“Huh?”
“Be careful in asking questions. Please be sensitive to what skaters feel. That's all. Thank you and have a nice day.”
“Shiba-san, I think you really did go overboard asking Medvedeva-senshu those questions. But I also am in awe at Hanyu-senshu. He's such a dual man. He's always polite and smiley but the look he gave us, it's so… scary.”
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I just want to be alone for once and wallow how big a loser I am. I need to find a place where I can do that. My room is a huge no because Wakaba or even Yuzuru might go there. So I went to the direction of the stock room. At least there, no one will bother me. As soon as I shut the door tears started to flood from my eyes. I can't control my sobs as I just sat helplessly on the floor.
Yuzu’s POV
I'm so worried about Zhenya. I know that the interview had hurt her terribly. I just want to make her feel better again. But I don't know where she went. I saw Johnny and Stephane talking so I took the opportunity to ask if they saw Evgenia.
“Hi. Have you seen Zhenya?”
“Evgenia? Oh, we saw her heading to the stock room. She looks so upset.”
“Thank you so much.”
I quickly made my way to the stock room. As I opened the door, I was greeted by a lot of props, from clothes, to lights, speakers and metal stairs. The room is also dark with a only single dimly-lit light bulb illuminating it. I can't see any trace of Evgenia in here. Where is she?
Zhenya's POV
“Zhenya? Are you in here?”
Is that Yuzuru? He can't see me like this. I quickly hid behind some hanged clothes. But I can't control myself from letting out faint weeping sounds. I hope that he won't find me.
Yuzu’s POV
I saw a slight movement from the clothes hanged in the corner. I can also hear sounds coming from behind it. I slowly went towards it. I cleared out the clothes and finally, I found her.
“Zhenya…”
Zhenya's POV
He found me. I want to control my tears but it's been so long that I cried and it's like a bomb that's finally ready to explode. And seeing his understanding expression didn't help either. I sobbed so hard that I started to find breathing difficult. The events on that fateful day is once again rushing in my mind. I felt that I was robbed but at the same time I know that I could have done better. Yuzuru enveloped me in a warm hug while whispering comforting things in my ear.
“It's alright. Cry it all out. I'm here. I won't leave you.”
I continued crying, hiding my face on his chest, my tears seeping through the thin material of his shirt. My heart felt like it's shrinking from all this pain that I'm going through. I don't know if I can bear it anymore.
Yuzu’s POV
She finally stopped crying. When I looked at her I realized that she cried herself to sleep. I also noticed that there are dark circles on her eyes. She must endured many sleepless nights. She is suffering. I can't even imagine what she might feel. I know she wants that gold medal more than anything. And to think that it's within her reach yet it slipped on her grasp. It must be devastating. I removed her hair from her face and wiped away some stray tears on it. My heart feels heavy seeing her this way.
“Zhenya, I don't want to see you hurt because it also pains me. And that's because I love you.”
I grabbed her hand and kissed it. I'll let her sleep for a moment, away from all her grief and safe in my arms.
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“Hey, it's been an hour. Yuzu and Zhenya is still inside the storage room. I'm starting to get worried.”
Zhenya doesn't look good when she passed by us earlier. She looks like she's close to tears. And based on Yuzuru’s reaction, it seems that he's worried as well. I don't know what exactly happened but I'm glad that Yuzuru is always there for Evgenia. My thoughts got cut off by Stephane chuckling.
“Maybe they are just doing ‘something’.”
“Oh my God! Stop it. Those kids are not like that.”
“I'm just kidding. Do you want to check on them? I'm pretty worried too. Zhenya looks like she's ready to burst out crying earlier.”
“Let's just take a peak.”
We're starting to walk towards the stock room when we are stopped with a shout from Evgeni.
“Hey, where are you two going?”
“We’ll just gonna check on Yuzu and Zhenya. They went inside the stock room an hour ago and they are still in there. Actually, I'm more worried for Zhenya. She looks so depressed before getting in there.”
“That poor kid. She strived so hard to get that Olympic gold medal only for injuries to ruin her hardwork. I think I'll go with you two. Maybe we can give them some advice.”
With that we made our way to the stock room. When we got in there, we saw no trace of the two. This made me more worried. My head keeps imagining scenarios of what could have happened when Stephane’s whisper caught our attention.
“Guys, I found them but shhh…”
We quietly went to where he was and we saw from behind some hanged clothes, Yuzuru and Zhenya sleeping.
“Wow. Who can make sleeping on the floor so adorable? Only Yuzu and Zhenya.”
And how adorable can they be? Evgenia is using Yuzuru’s chest as her pillow while Yuzuru’s arms are around her. So cute.
“Should we wake them up?”
“No. Let them be. They need rest.”
With that we silently went out from the stock room, but not until I snapped a photo of the cute couple.
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I felt energized after that little power nap with Yuzuru. My practices got better and I'm back to my happy-go-lucky self. It felt that after I cried all of my frustrations out, I also got rid of the heavy weight that is inside me. This change does not escape the eyes of my bestfriend, Wakaba.
“You seem to be in a good mood these few days. What has happened?”
“Nothing. I just felt like it won't be good if I stay depressed.”
She raised her eyebrow and looked at me skeptically. She's gonna start pestering me about it when the show organizers went inside the room.
“Good morning everyone. You might be wondering why we gathered all of you. Today, we'll introduce you to the new guest skater.”
Oh, so that's the reason why we're here. That's great. The more, the merrier.
“Please welcome, Ms. Kanako Murakami.”
Loud applause echoed inside the room. Meanwhile, my stomach started to drop. She's Yuzuru’s childhood friend. She's also the skater that's always by Yuzuru’s side. I remember seeing her at GPF. Even if she's not competing, she still came to show her support to Yuzuru. And he looks so happy seeing her. Just like what he looks now, as Team Japan crowds around her. I smiled sullenly. I felt like an abandoned doll.
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“Zhenya, is everything alright? You're not eating your food.”
“Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just really not hungry.”
All of a sudden, Team Japan walked in inside the cafeteria and occupied the table besides us. I saw Yuzuru pull out a chair for Kanako and helped her to sit. I don't know why but my heart felt like it's crushed.
“Anna, I'm just gonna take a quick nap in my room. Excuse me.”
I quickly stood up and walked to my room. From my peripheral vision, I saw Yuzuru seemingly wanting to follow me but I didn't bother to stop. After all, there's really no reason for him to explain.
Yuzu’s POV
I am in a very good mood today. Finally, after a long time of not meeting each other, me and one of my closest friends, Kanako, will be together again. And not just that, we’ll be able to skate for the same ice show. And since it's now noon, it will be a nice opportunity to catch up with each other together with all of Team Japan over lunch. We went to the cafeteria and occupied the biggest table there. Just like what I always do before, I grabbed a chair for Kanako and helped her to sit. I also saw Shoma do the same, this time, for Satoko. I see, Shoma’s finally making a move. I heard Satoko thank him while having an evident blush on her face. This two will be a nice couple. I hope they came to be. All of a sudden a saw Evgenia walk out of the cafeteria with a look of sadness in her face. I made a move to follow her but I sat down once again. Maybe it's time… to distance myself from her.
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I don't know what's wrong with me. Since I saw that look on Evgenia’s face I hadn't been peaceful. I'm not listening to music, I can't even play MonHun. Every night, I am just lying down on my bed and staring at the ceiling for hours. I am in that state when I heard someone knocking on my door.
“Wait a minute!”
When I opened the door, I was surprised to know who the other person behind the door is.
“Kana?”
“Why do you look so shocked? It's as if it's the first time we'll have a conversation in each other's room.”
“It's just that, it's been so long.”
“But, does that mean that I'm not welcome here anymore?”
“Absolutely not! Come in!”
Once we're settled, we began our talk.
“So, what do you want to talk about?”
“Anything. Oh, but first, congratulations on your second consecutive Olympic gold medal.”
“What is this, an interview?”
We laughed at our own antics. We're still the same, the childish Yuzuru and Kanako that makes fun of each other.
“But it's really a feat. Imagine, the second man to win back to back Olympic gold medal in 66 years! That's impressive. That's why I need to say it.”
“Thank you. By the way, what have you been doing since you retired?”
“Hmmm.. Not much. I go to University. Ice shows.”
“Love life?”
“Ah, I guess you heard.”
“News have wings.”
“Yeah. We're cool. We go on dates every weekend. Typical boyfriend-girlfriend things. How about you?”
“After the Olympics I've done a celebratory ice show, no skating for me since I have an injury. The homecoming parade in Sendai, rehab, practice at Toronto, and now this.”
“And now, it's finished. Time flies so fast. Tomorrow, skaters will go back home.”
“Yeah.”
My mind can't help but think about Evgenia. She'll go back to Moscow tomorrow. And we'll be back to the way we were. A distressed sigh escaped my lips.
“You're hopeless, Yuzu.”
“Huh?”
“Do you think that I didn't notice? I'm like you're bestfriend after Nobu and Javi. And I'm watching you through the years. You have liked her since GPF and it hasn't fade. In opposite, it became stronger each day.”
I am such a fool to think that I can hide this fact to Kanako. She's been with me since we were little and it's expected that she knows me too well.
“I can't be with her.”
“And why not?”
“I have an obligation. I have Japan’s hope in my shoulders.”
“Which you put there yourself. Yuzu, you don't have to carry it alone. Shoma is there, Satoko is there. The juniors have so much talent. You have been there once, Yuzu. Let them experience what you've been through so that they can be as strong as you.”
“But I am happy. The Olympics brought me happiness. I've never been happier when I got the gold medal. And I feel that I'll continue feeling that kind of happiness the more that I skate.”
“Well, that's true. But you know, there's this verse that my mom always told me. ‘You can be happy without being content. But you can't be content without being happy.’ You might win everything. You might get happiness from it. But you'll never be satisfied because there's a certain happiness that is missing. Zhenya is missing.”
The words Kanako said left a deep impression in me. I felt that she has a point. But I need to think first.
“I'm not saying that you should retire. I'm just saying that you should think it out carefully and wholly. And when I say wholly, I mean you should not only think with your mind but also think with your heart.”
She sent me an encouraging smile. Back then when we're still skating on the junior circuit, that smile will ease away my nervousness. And it hasn't changed till now. I am so lucky that I have her as a friend.
“I think we should sleep now. Good night.”
When she left, I was back to lying in my bed while staring at my ceiling. What will I do?
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I just got back from strolling around Shizuoka. It is our last day. Tomorrow we'll be traveling back home so I made the most of our stay in Japan. As I am making my way to my room, I saw Kanako walking out from Yuzuru’s room. My heart ached seeing this. I quickly made my way to the stairs but she already saw me and struck a conversation with me.
“Hi, Evgenia!”
“Good evening.”
The air around us is so thick. I feel awkward talking to her. I can't even stare straight at her.
“You're so lucky.”
“What?”
I can feel myself starting to be irritated at her. Is she mocking me? How can I be lucky? I'm the most unlucky person in the world. I lost the Olympic gold medal and more importantly, she has the man that I love.
“Yuzu never loved anyone…”
Huh? So she and Yuzu are not together? Are we now we're in the same situation, like friend zoned?
“as much as she loves you.”
I can feel my jaw dropping. Yuzu… loves me? Why is he not saying anything then?
“I think you two should talk. And always know that no matter what your decision regarding this matter, I will support the both of you. You are both wonderful and deserve happiness. And I hope that you find it with each other.”
With that she hugged me and smiled one last time before walking away. She's such a nice person that I feel guilty for hating her. But I still can't believe what she said. I must be dreaming. Those words makes no sense. But there's only one way to make sure and that is to ask Yuzuru.
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I heard another knock on my door. It must be Kanako again.
“Kana, I thought you said… Zhenya?”
I saw a distraught looking Zhenya in front of me. Why is she knocking on my door this late? Why now? I'm still not ready to face her.
“Can I come in?”
I dumbly nodded and let her inside my room. I offered for her to sit down in one of the chairs but she declined. We kept silent for a while until she spoke.
“I have talked to Kanako-san.”
“Kana?”
I can feel my heart speeding up from what she said. What has Kana said to her? As if she can read my mind, she answered the question lingering in my mind.
“She said that you love me.”
What!? Kanako told her that!? I can't believe that she told Evgenia my secret. Yuzu, think! Think of a way to steer clear of this!
“Of course I do! What kind of friend am I if I don't, right?”
“Yuzu, stop telling lies! I just want to know the truth!”
I never thought that seeing Evgenia cry because of me will hurt like this. The desperation in her face breaks my heart. She's right. She had the right to know the truth.
“Yes, I do love you.”
“Since when?”
“Since GPF 2014. When I saw you back then in that corridor, I can't help but notice how beautiful you are, how special you are. So I did my best to get close to you. But you were so shy around me. So I begged Misha to introduce me to you. From then on, I have loved you continuously, up until now.”
“Then, why are you not saying anything?”
“We have goals. I want my second Olympic gold. You strive to represent your country. I don't want my feelings to be a burden to the both of us. Besides, I'm not even sure if you like me back.”
“I do like you. At GPF you are the biggest skater. You are the Olympic Champion and then you won your second consecutive GPF gold. As you win more events my respect to you gets higher. That's also the reason why I was so shy around you back then. I'm just a nobody then and you're proving yourself to be the King of figure skating. But the kindness you showed me made me open up to you. You made me feel like we are not worlds apart. Then, the way you comforted me from my loss, it's so sweet. Yuzu, you're the kind of guy that's not hard to fall in love with.”
I got shocked from what she said. She likes me too? I thought that she respects me because of what I have achieved. But from what she said, it's more than that.
“Then, would it be possible for us to…”
“I…can't do that.
“W-Why?”
“I cannot let Japan down. I am Japan’s ace and it is my obligation to bring them victory. I have no time for other things.”
As I finished what I have to say, I saw that tears started to flow from Evgenia’s eyes once again. She has a grievous smile on her lips. I know that look too well. It's the same as the one she made in the Olympics’ Kiss & Cry area.
“I… understand. It's a-alright. I'll do my b-best for the next s-season. See you t-there. Good night.”
She quickly ran outside while I was rooted on the spot. This can't be. I just ruined everything. I need to make a decision, fast.”
“Zhenya!”
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We can't sleep so Miki and I decided to loiter around our floor. We are just talking idly when all of a sudden we saw Evgenia running to her room. We also noticed that she's crying.
“Zhenya!”
We tried talking to her but she just ran past us. When she reached her room, she immediately went inside and closed the door.
“What could have happened?”
“I don't know. Poor girl…”
My heart clench as we heard her sobs from the inside of her room. We can feel the sorrow that she's feeling from her cries.
“Hey, is that Yuzu?”
“Miki, let's hide.”
We hid behind Miki’s room door, just opposite of Evgenia’s room. Yuzuru looks like he wants to knock on her door but decided against it the last minute. Then he stomped his foot angrily and sat down on the floor.
“Shizuka, should we intervene?”
“I don't think so. Let them settle this themselves. It will help them grow.”
All through the night, Evgenia and Yuzuru’s sobs echoed throughout the halls.
“I'm sorry, Zhenya…”
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It's still early in the morning but I decided to go to JSF’s main office. I already made my decision and I went here to inform them of it. I knocked on the door and went inside once the person on the other side made the signal for me to come in.
“Ms. Kobayashi.”
“Oh, Hanyu-senshu. What can I do for you?”
“Before all of that, I just want to clarify that I'm not retiring.”
“If that's the case, then I think I know what you're gonna say.”
“Huh?”
“Hanyu-senshu, even if you are under this organization as an athlete, we don't have the key to your heart. You are free to love anyone and anytime you like.”
“How did you…”
“Stop underestimating us, Hanyu-senshu. We know our skaters very well. And that includes you.”
Wow. I didn't thought that they'll know something like this about me. But just like Ms. Kobayashi said, I shouldn't have underestimated them. But there's still some doubts in my mind.
“But, I'm still Japan’s ace. It is my responsibility to lead Team Japan to greatness. I'm afraid that if I proceed with this, I might not…”
“And since when has love been a sin, Hanyu-senshu? Also, you are not alone in fighting for Team Japan. We have Uno-senshu, Miyahara-senshu, Tanaka-senshu, Sakamoto-senshu, Higuchi-senshu. We have a lot of skaters that are willing to help you in this. And we at JSF will not hinder you from being happy. I'm sure that's how RusFed will treat this situation too.”
Wait, RusFed? Does that mean that Ms. Kobayashi knows it too? And as if she can read my mind, she sighed and smiled knowingly at him.
“Yuzuru, of course I know that it's Medvedeva-senshu! Honestly, I think you should see what you look like when you're staring at her. You look so lovestruck.”
So I'm really that obvious, so it seems. But I'm still thankful to them for understanding my situation.
“Thank you so much, Ms. Kobayashi.”
“You don't need to thank me, or JSF. We are the one who are in debt of you. By the way, isn't Medvedeva-senshu flying back to Moscow today?”
Oh my God! I almost forgot. I need to go to the airport fast!
“Ms. Kobayashi, I need to go. I'll talk to you later. Thank you so much.”
“Chase your heart, Hanyu-senshu! Good luck!”
I sprinted back to our car and and plead my father to drive fast to the airport. I hope I make it in time.
“What's with you today, son? Is there any problem?”
I suddenly remembered what Ms. Kobayashi said. It brings a smile to my lips.
“None. I just need to chase my heart.”
I saw my parents having a brief but knowing eye contact with each other then a shared laughter. But I didn't see any objection or concern on their faces. It's a good sign.
“Okay. I'll do my best and drive my fastest then.”
With that, our car started the chase.
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When I arrived at the airport, the passengers on Evgenia’s flight are getting the announcement for boarding. I quickly went to the boarding area but a guard stopped me from entering.
“Sir, do you have a ticket? If you don't have, you can't go inside.”
“I'll just talk to someone. I'll be quick.”
“I'm really sorry sir. You can't go inside.”
It's too late. I already lost her.
“Final boarding call for passengers of All Nippon Airways flight 9499 to Moscow, Russia please proceed now to gate YE719. Thank you.”
Wait, she's flying through ANA!?
“Mr. guard, uhm, is this flight to Russia flying through ANA?”
“Yes, sir.”
Oh my God! There's still hope!
“Thank you so much.”
I ran towards ANA’s airport office. Once there I saw the office manager and he welcomed me wholeheartedly. But I'm not here for warm welcomes. I'm here with a purpose.
“Hanyu-senshu! Why are you kneeling!?”
“Please let me inside the boarding gate to your flight to Russia.”
“But that's impossible, Hanyu-senshu! That's against the protocol.”
“Please… If I didn't meet her today, I might not be able to fix everything.”
It's embarrassing. I am kneeling while crying in front of so many people. But I'll do everything to talk to her once again.
“Hanyu-senshu…”
“I'm sorry for bothering you all… I guess I'll just go home.”
“Let's go.”
“W-What?”
“You said that you want to go inside the boarding gate, right? Let’s go. I'll accompany you.”
Hope springs inside my heart. I leapt up and followed the manager to the boarding gate.
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I feel so empty. I thought that by participating in an ice show in Japan will make me feel better but now I feel much worse. I always find myself staring blankly in the horizon, thinking about so many things. Will I ever be happy again?
“Final boarding call for passengers of All Nippon Airways flight 9499 to Moscow, Russia please proceed now to gate YE719. Thank you.”
I probably should get going. I stood up and went to the boarding gate. Once I'm back in Russia, my fairytale story will end and I'll be back to reality.
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“Hey! Where are you going? Ah, it's you again. Sir, I told you, you can't go inside.”
“It's okay. It's on me. He's Yuzuru Hanyu-senshu, the biggest endorser of our airline.”
“O-Okay.”
I ran inside to find Evgenia. The passengers are still ongoing the boarding process so it's hard to locate her. After a minute or so of looking, I finally found her.
“Zhenya!”
She turned around and looked at me shell-shocked.
“Y-Yuzu? What are you doing here?”
The fatigue of running back and front has already taken a toll on me. My legs buckled and I suddenly found myself once again kneeling on the floor while breathing hard.
“Yuzu!”
In a split second, she's already at my side holding my hand.
“Yuzu, are you alright!? Are you having an asthma attack!? Yuzu!”
I can see the fear in her eyes. She looks like she's about to cry. I tried my best to control my breath and appease her.
“I'm alright. I just need a minute.”
She still looks worried. I really hate that look on her face. She doesn't deserve to feel like this. I held her face and tried to produce the most comforting smile that I can do.
“Zhenya, I'm fine. C’mon, smile, okay?”
Finally, I saw a shadow of a smile on her lips. She's really beautiful when she's smiling.
“What are you doing here, Yuzu?”
“I want to talk to you.”
“Why?”
“Last night, I think I made the most stupid mistake in my life.”
“What is it?”
“Letting you go. A friend of mine made me realize that I may be happy but I'll never be satisfied if I feel like there's something, or rather someone missing in my life. And that someone is you.”
I saw her eyes go wide from shock. If she only know how much she makes me happy.
“What about JSF?”
“It turns out that I'm worried for nothing. Also, I realized that I'm not alone. There are a lot of people helping Team Japan to win. Even my teammates are all behind me. We are united with one goal. To always do our best for Team Japan.”
“Why are you telling all of this to me?”
“Because I just want you to know that this time, I won't let you go.”
She looked so shocked by what I said and at the same time, so overwhelmed. At the same time, a love song echoed from the airport’s speakers.
Like a child again
I'm at a lost for words
How does one define a crush combined with longing
Longing to possess you, oh so dearly
I'm obsessed by you completely
I'll go mad if I can't have you
“Zhenya, will you be my girl?”
“Um, y-yes! Of course.”
“Awwwww…”
All of the passengers and the staff stopped what they are doing to watch us but I don't care anymore. I'm just so glad that she accepted me.
“By the way, I also have a gift for you.”
I got a blue box from my pocket and gave it to her. When she opened it I felt proud as she seems to like it so much.
“Wow! It's so beautiful!”
“Check inside the locket.”
“It… has our pictures.”
“So that even if we're far away from each other, when we look at this, we'll be reminded of each other. I'm already wearing mine. Should I help you in putting on yours?”
She nodded and I put the necklace on her. The necklace is beautiful but when I put it on Evgenia, it's perfect. They compliment each other's beauty.
“Beautiful.”
“Thank you.”
“Zhenya…”
“Huh?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Yuzu.”
From my periphery I can saw Evgenia’s mom and grandmother on my left and my parents on my right. But no one can stop me from showing how much I love her. I want to complete her fairytale story and seal it with a kiss.
I can't let you pass me by
I just can't let you go
Let me say the things and say the words to let you know
I would rather say the awkward words than lose you
Or for love to fade
Before it can come true...