Chapter Text
Lifting her face out of her hands seemed impossible given the circumstances. Iris was weeping, to an audience that consisted of Joe, Wally, and a very sheepish Barry.
“You don’t remember us?” Joe asked. Iris shook her head.
“Any of us?” She shook her head faster. The devastated looks their faces broke her heart. This was the exact reason she hadn’t wanted to come clean.
“I tried. You guys know I tried, right? I went forward and backward through photo albums, and through my email and Facebook. I thought familiar places like work or my apartment or here with the family would help, but there’s been nothing.”
“That’s why you’ve been acting weird this whole time. Eating stuff you don’t like, thinking we grew up together…” Wally trailed off.
“Thinking that we didn’t grow up together,” Barry added.
“We should have known. We should have been paying closer attention.” Joe put his hands on his hips and turned away to blink back tears.
“Dad, it’s not your fault. It’s mine.”
“Now, don’t go beating yourself up, baby girl.” He put an arm around her shoulders. “Wait, does it make you uncomfortable when I do that?”
“No, it’s nice.”
“I can’t believe that you don’t even remember you’re my baby girl.”
“Barry, how did you find out?”
Barry scratched the back of his neck and eyed the floor. “Iris thought we were dating.” Luckily, he left it at that.
“Dating?” Joe echoed. “Heaven help me,” he said, looking up at the ceiling.
Wally snorted and giggled. Joe gave him a withering stare and the smile slid off Wally face.
Barry looked over to Joe. “What are we gonna do?”
“Doctor first.”
The doctor gave them news they were not happy about. There was no surefire way to get her memory back, nor was there any guarantee that if it came back, it would be whole. Scariest of all, the longer Iris went without recovering it, the less likely it was to be recovered.
At least my family’s here to comfort me while I cry, she thought, as Joe, Barry and Wally held her in a big group hug.
The doctors put her through a battery of tests, poking and prodding her all subjecting her to more procedures than the law allowed. She was a strong person, but without the unwavering support of her loved ones, she wasn’t sure she would have been able to handle it.
Barry was there, but he was clearly struggling. He couldn’t look her in the eye, and it crushed her. As she awaited patient escort to take her down for an MRI, they had time alone to talk.
“I’m sorry I lied to you,” she blurted.
“Iris-“
“I want you to hear me, Barry. It wasn’t right for me to play with your emotions.”
“You didn’t know, Iris. But now you do.”
“How long?”
He tilted his head back against the wall and stared at the ceiling. “When we were kids I loved you before I even know what the word love meant. Then my mom died and I had to go live with the girl I had a crush on.”
“Have you ever told me?”
“There were so many times I wanted to tell you; junior prom, when I went away to college, when I came back from college, nights that we stayed up talking, all the birthdays, all the Christmases, but I, I never did. I kept it in. After I lost my mom and my dad, I was afraid that if you didn't feel the same way, I would lose you, too. When you got out of the hospital and we started spending so much time together I thought that maybe, finally-“ He dropped his head into his hands.
“God. I’m so sorry, Barry.”
“I don’t want you to ever be sorry. It was a dream come true. I just don’t know how you feel. How you feel.”
“I can’t speak on before, but I know how I feel now. I’m in love with you.”
“You have no idea how much I’ve always wanted to hear you say that…but…it’s probably a good idea-for both of us-to put it on pause until you get my memory back.” That wasn’t what Iris wanted to hear, but she knew he was right. She nodded and crossed her arms over her chest, comforting herself.
“Iris, I want you to get it back, but-“
“You’re afraid. I don’t know what’s going to happen or how I’l react. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Please don’t pull away from me, Barry. I need you.”
A young man came in with a wheelchair.
“Iris West for an MRI?”
“That’s me. I can walk.” Iris held out her hand, willing Barry to take it. “Would you come with me? Please?”
He did. “Of course I will. I’ll always be there when you need me, no matter what.” They walked to the MRI room hand in hand, Iris leaning on Barry’s shoulder. When Iris was on the platform about to slide into the machine, she wanted to break but she looked through the window to see Barry waving and giving her a thumbs up. She knew then that she could be brave.
“There’s got to be a way to jog her memory,” Joe said. Operation Get Iris’ Memory Back started as soon as they got home. Over the next week they brought up all sorts of things, personal things, that would help jog her memory. Pictures, places, foods. Inside jokes, secrets, videos, old voicemails. Scents and songs. Iris finally confessed to CCPN. As soon as Linda heard, she spearheaded an office-wide effort to help.
Bits and pieces came to her here and there. The flashbacks helped her build but still, they were few and far between. After another week, their initial hopefulness was wearing thin. No one would admit it, but Iris saw their eyes grow dull when suggested a new method to try.
Still, Barry was there through it all with a corny joke to make her smile, or a small gift both thoughtful and sincere. She needed him now more than ever. And she did love him. She wasn't sure of a lot of things these days, but that she was certain. He was careful not to touch her very much, though, not even to hug her the way they did before she initiated the kisses.
She understood why. The guilt of unintentionally leading him on weighed heavy on her, and the truth was, she missed kissing him. She thought back to the night she felt her sexiest in her lingerie, the way he’d looked at her, with unbridled, pure want, the way it felt right to have him weighing her down on the bed, the anticipation she’d felt, that she could only feel for him. The absence of that, knowing the distance had grown between them, bothered her more than anything. She was lonelier than ever.
Friday evening, tired from a full week of both putting in work and exercising her memory, having Linda quiz her to no avail, having a difficult discussion with Scott about taking leave and starting disability, Iris was truly miserable. She was desperate, lonely, in need of comfort, in need of some sort of release. Iris was tired of crying.
It had taken some coaxing to get Barry back in her bed to snuggle with her, but once she convinced him, he took to it with his usual enthusiasm. She needed it, even if they hadn't been dating before, she needed his affection now. Now, more than ever.
She might have needed a little more than attention. She might have been mentally replaying their roll in the hay, seeing it through to the end in her imagination. She might have pleasured herself to it. She might have been unable to resist Barry so she maybe climbed on top of him.
“Iris,” Barry said suspiciously. She smoothed the flat of her hand up and down his chest, feeling satisfaction at how quickly his nipples hardened. She carded her fingertips through this hair, feeling how soft and rich it was. She brushed her hands on his strong shoulders and kissed his neck.
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like, Barry?What does it feel like?” She smirked dangerously.
He licked his lips, “Iris, this is a bad idea.”
“It’s a great idea. I want you.”
He shuddered. “I want you, so much it hurts, but I can’t take advantage of you. We don’t want to do something we’ll regret.”
Iris took his hands and moved them to the small of her back. Barry had absolutely no power to resist her, which delighted her.
“I want you.” She repeated with more urgency. She ground down on him and he hissed, and his dick was getting hard fast. “I need this. please.” She pleaded with her eyes. She saw the last of his resolve dissolve like smoke in the open air. His grip on her waist tightened. She loved that he couldn’t say no to her, that he desired her like this.
“Are you- are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure, Bear. A week was all it took to make me fall for you. You’re sexy and brilliant and kind and you take excellent care of me. I can guarantee you that this is what I want right now. No more waiting.” She gave him tender but passionate kisses, her tongue mingling with his.
“What if everything comes back and you hate me? What if you couldn’t stand the sight of me, and I messed everything up? I would die, Iris.”
“Barry, this is our reality. This is what my life is now. What if the Iris you knew never comes back? Can you accept me like this? This big mess?”
“Accept you?” He echoed like she was crazy. “I will always love Iris West in whatever form. I’ll love you no matter what.”
“Then show me. Make love to me, Barry.”
Barry searched her eyes. They said, I’m ready. Barry didn’t hesitate another second. He surged up and kissed her full force.
The power of his love hit her like a freight train. Iris knew she felt more for him, so much more than her two-week-old memories allowed, but the way desire and passion and infatuation coursed through her body, she knew without a doubt that Pre-Concussion Iris was in love with this man. She wanted to know why they weren’t together but there were more important matters at hand, like Barry’s growing erection.
She reached for his waistband, Barry guiding her farther down, bringing her hand to his hardening shaft. He hissed when she wrapped her hand around it. She felt its power when she stroked up and down, and it got longer and harder every second.
“All this for me?” Barry cursed and Iris giggled because they were just getting started and she’d already made him lose his mind.
Barry cupped her ass, massaging the flesh under his fingers. Iris responded by grinding down harder on him, on his erection, now tall and proud and ready for her.
From her ass Barry’s fingers slid down to her womanhood, slippery and wet, as ready for him as he was for her. Her body craved his touch, shuddering as he delicately caressed her. His tongue traveled down her neck, nipples, her sides, her belly button, and finally lower, probing all the secret places that made her moan with relish. It was obvious he enjoyed her pleasure as much as she did, which only magnified the experience. The urgency, the need to release herself to him, on him, through him, was mounting.
“I need you, Barry, right now.”
“You’ve got me. Always.” They way he smiled melted her. She could tell he meant every word. She was ready for him to make love to her. This was how it was supposed to be, no matter what. Barry and Iris, together.
Barry rolled Iris onto her back. He parted her knees, which slid open willingly. She was exposed to him in every way possible, giving herself over to him completely.
Again, their lips touched, and Iris ran her tongue around Barry’s bottom lip and sucked, urging him not to wait a moment longer. He settled his thumb on her clit, his hand on her mound, and, holding his ready dick in his hand, guided himself towards her.
When he made his way inside her, carefully but like a man on a mission, there was almost too much of him for her to handle. Barry kissed her while she took the time to adjust, rowing her hips with barely perceptible movements, opening herself up for him, little by little. He began to move with her, shallow, slow movements to answer hers, gradually becoming smoother, longer, deeper, until he bottomed out inside her, and she began to gasp in small breaths as the first hints of pleasure flowed through her, inside, right in her center.
“Oh. Barry,” she breathed softly. This was it. She didn’t try to gather herself, to stay coherent; it was better to let go and get lost in him, in this, the love they were making.
Yes, it was right. Barry held her gaze, not wavering for a second, as he pumped into her. He touched her face, guiding his lips up to kiss her as his strokes increased in speed. Iris did her best to keep up, rowing her hips to ride the wave of ecstasy, adrift in the sea of their love.
It was magic. It was music. It was light. Iris wondered why the hell she had waited so long. She tightened her grip on his forearms, hoping he understood that she was urging him on, asking him wordlessly to give her more, demanding more. Barry didn’t miss a beat, thrusting not faster, but with more force than he had a moment ago. He chased her throat with his mouth as her head rolled back and forth, out of control with the feelings he was creating within her, tonguing the spot where she produced the moans he was extracting from her. God. He was amazing.
Barry pulled out, but before Iris had time miss him, he had her on her stomach, ass arched into the air. He settled on top of her, kissing the nape of her neck. He palmed her breasts, rolling the buds of her nipples between his long fingers. He was inside her again, back to his relentless pace.
His hand was dove down, playing with her clit while keeping her hips arched up. She needed help, they way he was pounding her.
Just the right combination of angle and pressure on her sensitive bead and she knew she was close to the edge, so close.
“Don’t stop, Barry. I love you.”
Although yelling it out wasn’t the plan, as soon as the words passed her lips she knew they were the truest words she’d ever spoken. A surge of emotion rocked her. When she turned to look at him, his eyes were shining. She reached back to caress his handsome face, to put her hands in his hair, to trace the angle of his jaw.
Barry hadn’t let up. He was still sliding in and out of her, wringing moans out of her down to the final seconds. If anything, he was going harder now, lost in her body and her confession of love. A kiss to the corner of her mouth and a whisper against it. “I love you more, Iris.”
“Barry. I’m- I’m gonna-“ the words had barely left her lips before she erupted.
Oh, God. She tried to say it but the words won’t come out, only the uncontrollable arch of her back and tightening of her muscles as the lightning lanced through her, shocking every part of her body.
From some distance place she heard Barry whisper-moan, “Iris,” before he came shuddering inside her.
She wasn't sure what did it. Maybe his unique scent; a mix of cologne, chemicals from his lab, simple bar soap and just plain Barry, the feel of his rich russet hair under the pads of her fingers, his familiar voice broken and jagged in her ear…
Barry.
Iris eyes shot open. “Barry?!”
Forget lying in afterglow. Iris shot straight up in bed and stared at him, horrified.
“What is it?” He was already panicking.
“I remember.”
“Oh shit.” Barry was out of bed before she could blink, trying to cover himself up even though his dick still glistened her juices. “How do you remember all of a sudden? Why now?”
“It was you, it was…”
“Me? Because we-?”
“Yes, you jogged my memory with your penis, Barry!” Iris jumped out of the bed with the sheet wrapped around her. At least, she tried to jump. Her legs were wobbly from post-orgasm bliss, so she flopped and rolled, almost falling out of bed but Barry stopped her from face planting. It was jarring, having his hand on her now, and she yanked away from him.
She didn’t mean to be so harsh, but she couldn’t help how his touch made her jerk, made her tear herself away from him. His heartbroken face tortured her, but she couldn’t help the panic that welled up. She’d just had sex with her best friend since childhood. The more she thought about how she’d been acting the past two weeks, the more horrified she became.
“Barry, I…I have to go.”
“But where will you go? This is your apartment.” He spread his hands helplessly, tripping over his jeans because he’d been trying to pull them up.
“I don’t know, but I have to-“
“Iris, you’re still not well. You don’t even have any clothes on.”
“It’s okay, I’ll, uh, I’ll figure it out. I have to get out of here.” She snatched the first articles of clothing she saw on the floor, stuffed them in her purse, and bolted.
“Iris, please wait!” It was all she heard before she slammed the door behind her. She wasn’t sure which part was more ridiculous; running away from her own apartment in only a thin sheet, or walking up to the check-in counter at the hotel at the edge of Central city in Barry’s t-shirt, braless, with sex hair and workout pants on backwards. The word “pink” splayed across her entire crotch, but no one could see it because Barry’s shirt hung down to her knees.
In her pocket, her phone was dancing like a cat on a hot tin roof. Barry hadn’t stopped calling and texting her. He begged her to come home (what did that even mean anymore?), even if she didn't want to talk to him. She didn't have to, he just wanted her safe. Soon her dad and Wally joined in. Then other loved ones. Knowing her dad, he'd have half the force out looking for her soon. Dammit, why couldn’t they just let her suffer in peace?
She got up to her room and collapsed facedown on the bed. She curled in on herself, wanting the world to stop spinning for one minute, just one minute.
She could run but she couldn’t hide. She tried to bury her tears on her shoulder, but the fabric of Barry’s worn old police academy tee smelled like him. His scent was reassuring, familiar, and erotic all at once. Iris buried her nose in it either way, taking a good whiff.
The fabric rubbed against her bare breasts, triggering a frisson at the thought of the best orgasm of her life. At the thought of the best person in her life.
The feeling was so dangerous. It was such foreign territory. If there was one thing in her life that had always been constant, ever-present and certain, it was Barry at her side, as her best friend. There had always been love for him, but being in love with him? Could she cross that line?
It broke Iris down to her knees.
He told her he didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want her to hate him. He’d admitted to loving her. To being in love with her, for years. And what did Iris do? Run from him butt-naked in a sheet.
“How could I treat him like that?” She moaned.
She couldn't take back what she’d done. Even though she couldn't have known any better, it still was the single most embarrassing moment of her life. She wondered if Barry had told everyone even a pinch of what happened to make her take off. What a story to tell. Where would she go from here? They couldn't go back to the way they were before. She made such a fool of herself, spending all that time thinking they were a couple madly in love, gone astray somewhere, trying to find their way back into each others arms. At the time, though, she felt how true it was. It was real.
So, could she cross that line? If she was honest with herself, yes. Yes, it had been there, probably since she was a teenager, so she’d never even known how the different kinds of love were commingling. Until Amnesia Iris wasn’t hindered by the years of history; all she had was raw feelings to go on. Amnesia Iris only knew pure, unadultered, passionate love for Barry Allen.
Overwhelmed, she cried her eyes out on the edge of the tub. It just seemed like an appropriate place for a meltdown.
Pounding at the door.
“Iris! Open the door. Please.” She froze, hoping if she was still enough he would go away. “I’m not going away.”So much for that plan. “Just talk to me. Please, talk to me.” There was a thunks he dropped his forehead against the door, probably as miserable as she was.
Iris must have walked to the door and then away three times. On the third, with a shaking hand, she twisted the knob and opened the door just a crack, peeking out with one eye.
“What are you doing here, Barry?”
“I work for the CCPD and run really fast. Did you think I wasn’t going to find you? Please just let me in so I can try to make this right and make you see…” He trailed off and looked skyward, as if begging someone to help him. She opened the door wide and motioned for him to come in.
They sat on the bed in silence, neither having the courage to look at the other. Iris took a deep breath and launched.
“I shouldn’t have run away. I was just so shocked when my memory came back.”
“You and me both.” Barry reached tentatively for her hand. Iris was afraid, but she let him take it. He kissed it and held it to his face, a pained but relived expression there.
I love you, Iris’ heart said, even though her mouth didn’t. Don’t be sad. I love you so much.
“I think we should take a second to be grateful that it came back. Even if it was under less-than-ideal circumstances.”
“Yes. I’m back! She cracked a small smile. She could get back to being Joe’s daughter and Wally’s sister, and a kickass reporter. Things were different Barry now, though.
“When I decided I wanted us to…” she still couldn't say “make love” to Barry out loud. “I thought we were living in our new reality. I didn’t think I would regain my memory and turn this into such a huge mess. I didn’t mean for you to have to go through this.”
Barry took a deep breath this time. His voice came out quiet, but it didn’t waver.
"I am in love with you, Iris. I always wanted this to happen between us, and it was a dream come true, but I never would have let it happen if I thought it wasn't what you wanted.“
“It was what I wanted, Barry. We were both doing the best we could at the time. The circumstances were what they were, but I know what I was feeling. It's not your fault. I don't want you to ever feel bad about giving in to your feelings when I told you that's what I wanted, too.“
"But you don't want this when you're you, and that's the problem,” Barry’s eyes went glassy. "I thought I might never have you back as I've always known you, but I would never stop loving you, whether you remembered me or not. I would always want what we had, even if it was only for a couple of weeks. When you said you might never remember and you wanted me, I believed that you were right about your memories. I had never wanted anything more then to be with you. I let things go too far. Now I've messed things up.” He buried his face in his free hand, breathing hitched as he choked out, “I wish I could take it all back and go back to the way we were before. “
"Barry, do you regret being with me?“
"I would never regret being with you, not ever. I regret that it's ruined our friendship. Where can we go if you don't trust me, and don’t want to be with me?”
"Barry, you did not violate my trust. I absolutely without a doubt wanted only nothing else but you. We were in it together, one hundred percent.” She took a deep breath and listened to what her had had been telling her all along.
“If I'm being honest with myself, it's what I want now. I want us to be in it together, one hundred percent.” Barry looked up from his hand.
“Iris, what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that from the moment I woke up, I felt nothing but love for you. I used the way I felt, and my observations about the way we’ve always been, to draw the conclusion that you’re the man I love. It only took me two weeks to decide that just from those things, I could start all over with you and fall head over heels. It’s because I already did, Barry. A long time ago. I might have forgotten a whole lifetime of memories, but the feelings never went away. I remembered. The truth is, my love for you brought me back. You brought me back.” She faced him, figuring he deserved that much. She put a hand over his heart. He leaned forward until their foreheads were touching.
“This thing between us. It's too strong to ignore. It's too strong to throw it away. Us together… It would be the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I’m afraid, but I want to try.”
“You do. You want to try.”
“Yes. Let’s try, Barry.”
Barry answered by kissing her breathless.
”You have no idea how much I've wanted to hear you say that.” Kisses quickly deepened to caresses and flickers of tongues and exploring fingertips. It came so naturally to Iris that it surprised her, and she wanted more, so much more. She urged Barry to undress.
“Am I dreaming?? He murmured.
“We’re both wide awake,” she whispered back.
“I love you, Iris.”
“I love you, Barry, and I want a replay of what you did to make my entire memory come back. If you can cure amnesia, what else can you do?"
Barry smirked. “Let’s find out.”
They put the hotel bed to good use.
Three Months Later
“Barry, where are we going?”
“You’ll see.” Finally he pulled to a stop and let Iris open her eyes.
“I haven’t been here in years!” Mercy park, where they met as kids on that fateful day in the third grade.
Of course, it had changed in fifteen years. The wood chips have been replaced by sand. The seesaw was brand new, standing out against the rest of the playground with its bright colors. The mini merry-go-round was gone. Maybe it was for the best; Barry had thrown up on it at least four times.
A mischievous look came over Iris’ face, and Barry knew exactly what was on her mind. She ran and he chased her, up child-sized stairs and down the winding slide and in circles around the seesaw, sand building up in their shoes until he caught her from behind, mid-giggle, and kissed her hard.
He pushed her on the swing and they enjoyed the quiet and stillness of the day. It was seventy-five degrees, mostly sunny but peppered with cotton-candy clouds.
A slight breeze rustled through Iris’ hair. She thought about all of the events in her life, and how they’d all led up to this perfect little moment with her best friend and love of her life.
“Look what the kids did to our tree.” Barry pointed.
There was a tall oak, the tallest in the park by far, that they used to play under. There were lots of others growing around it now, but it could still be seen towering effortless over the others. The oak tree was covered in…something. Paper? Iris dragged her feet in the sand, coming to a stop. She stood, shading her eyes with her flattened hand, resting the other on her hip.
“What is all that?” Her brow furrowed with concern. “I hope no one harmed that beautiful old tree.”
“I have no idea what it is,” barry said with an exaggerated shrug, and a slight smile.
“What are you up to, Barry Allen?” Iris asked with a slight smile of her own. She could hear soft chiming coming from the tree, and it piqued her curiosity.
“I think you should go take a look.”
Iris wound through the small copse of newer tress and bramble, dodging branches and tall grass until she reached the clearing where the tree stood. The sight stole her breath.
Shimmering silk ribbons in soft, bright colors streamed from the branches, all of them tied with pictures, placards, and wind chimes. When the breeze blew they billowed beautifully in the wind, emitting beautiful colors and sounds.
“Oh…” Iris ran to stand underneath, watching with eyes filled with wonder as the spectacle glittered and tinkled in the wind.
Barry followed, hands in his pockets, looking pleased with himself.
“Hey, this looks kind of familiar.” He gently pulled one towards her. Iris held it in her hands. It was the two of them, ten years old, playing at that very park.
The tip of her fingers glided over it, nearly touching but not quite. “It’s us.”
“I like to test and make sure you’re memory’s still there,” he joked. Iris shoved him playfully and pulled down the next pieces; Christmas cards from the sixth grade. School newspaper clippings. Yearbook photos from their Sadie Hawkins dance. Prom, birthday and graduation pictures. Her news articles, his lab reports. Her dad, Wally, Linda. Cisco, Caitlin, Captain Singh. His own parents.
“They’re our memories.”
The most recent one was from their last date as an actual official couple. Barry had insisted on taking her to the most expensive place in town, even though he couldn’t afford it. The older couple at the table next to them thought they were sweet, and were kind enough to take their picture. Looking at it now, with Barry in his crisp black suit and her in a long pink chiffon dress, Iris felt like they could have convinced people they had some sort of class.
She leaned back against the tree and looked towards the sky, cradling the picture to her chest, feeling like she was floating in the cotton-candy clouds up there. Barry set his hands on her hips, leaning in close to her to kiss her. She kissed him back, fiercely, passionately.
"I need to ask to you about something important.”
"What is it, Bear?”
“I brought you here today because since I was ten years old, you’ve been my star. You're gorgeous, smart, hard-working, and you take such good care of me. You love me with all your heart, even when I don't deserve it.” He swallowed, took a deep breath. “I know this is soon, but I feel like I’ve wasted so much time already. I don’t want to waste another second. I need you to know you’re the only one in my eyes. You’ve been the only one since you built that sandcastle with me right here in this park. You’re the only one there ever will be.” He went in his pocket, fumbling a little, pulling out a black velveteen box, a perfect cube that fit in the palm of his shaking hand.
Speechless, Iris clapped her hands over her mouth as Barry went from towering over her to looking up at her from one knee.
“Iris Ann West, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? Will you-“ He hadn’t even gotten the words out before she jumped into his arms, screaming.
“Yes! I will!”
“You will?!” Iris started crying and urged Barry to put the ring on her finger.
“I’ll marry you, Barry, of course I will!”
He picked her up and spun her around, until they were both laughing and out of breath and laying dizzy on the grass.
The wind blew through the oak’s branches, making their most precious memories dance and sing.