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Retrospectively, Levi had to admit at least one thing - even if only to himself.
Before Eren Yeager he had no fucking idea what intimacy between partners really means.
Because before Eren it was only posh term for fucking. In that act, he had seen nothing sweet or romantic. Fucking, love making, sex, call it however you want. When it came to it, what humans called romantic love was only someone comfortable enough to fuck with.
He did not underestimate that thought - it was important human need, like sleeping and eating were. But nothing magical, just something which people needed to appease to be at least half functioning soldiers.
Erwin told him that in matter of love he was really pragmatic. Levi told him to fuck off with his diplomatic shit.
Moreover, he had no shame when topic of sex was included - he considered it as normal topic of conversation and he did not understand why people were blushing or stuttering when said matter was concerned. What they were, kids? But, to be fair, even Hanji told him that his social skills are… poor. Hanji, for fuck sake.
But, really. It was all just mechanism - when you found out how to stroke and suck, where and how hard to bite… nothing difficult. Then there were only variations according what your current lover preferred. Easy and predictable although quite enjoyable.
That was before that titan kid showed him that sex is only part of it. Important part, yes, but still just the part.
To be honest, he much more prefered just to spoon that kid in the bed, hands slowly stroking his hips under covers and their legs intertwined than to actually fuck. He loved when air was still and somehow quiet in the morning, puff of dust dancing in the light (it was rare occasion when dirt and dust did not bother him) and only thing which both of them heard were their slow inhales and exhaled and rustling of fresh sheets - that moments before busy day with yelling and work and killing started. Before both of them had to keep their distance from each other. He treasured this.
The particular way how Eren´s locks - nowdays as long as his titan form´s hair - surrounded his face and his strange eyes. Special way how his body warmed Levi´s feet and fingers which were always cold. The way how his body always fit into Levi´s, leaning onto him with trust and vulnerability he hardly showed to other people except Levi anymore.
The way how he smiled at Levi after long day, or how proudly he talked about his crow - really that animal was as fond of Eren as Eren was of that bird.
So yeah, it was much much more than just sex.
But you could not blame him for this rather rude opinion about love - before Eren he had never been interested in relationships and also… his mother was prostitute, for christ sake. He had encounter with this sort of things since he was baby although he did not understand it before. Fuck sake, he had to do the very same as his mother few times before he learnt how to fight properly.
He exactly knew what Kenny would said about it - well, well, blood is thicker than water, you little whore.
He was never ashamed of himself or his mother though - they did what they had to to survive. But it… influenced and formed him more that he thought.
Well, if he had learnt something since Eren and he were together, it was how much talking really mattered in relationship. It was pain in ass but that brat showed him how to open up.Levi met him halfway because other option - losing Eren - just was not option for Levi.
So he should as well tell you all story about him and his mother.
About woman who was fighter much more than Humanity´s strongest.
*** **** ***
Levi Ackerman was in fact plain man when wishes were concerned - he had learnt in hard way that wishes were rarely fulfilled and that miracle as Eren Yeager - as a titan fighter for their losing army or for him as a lover rarely happened.
But walls, he wished that his mother could see a sky once before she died. Just once, only for few seconds - so she would be free. He did not dare to wish for her to survive after everything what that woman had been through - in fact, how long she lived was rather rare for underworld prostitute.
She used to cross her legs a lot in the bars. As kid he thought that she did so because it was rather comfortable - only much later he discovered it was insinuation for potential customers. He still remembered her relaxed body language when she did that and small curve of her lips which seemed to invite you to take whatever you wanted. But her eyes were cold and distant. It did not matter though.
He did it as well in front of Eren after he beaten him and shifter - that time more child than man - only said that he understood that it was necessary. Levi did not know why he did it, not really. He just did.
Some old habits really die hard.
But to be honest, sex between two of them was far less frequent that one would consider average for nearly eighteen year´s old shifter and Humanity's strongest. It was surprising at first - how little both of them needed that but also… comfortable? It was dynamic of whatever they had together.
Don´t make bad assumptions - they were fairly affectionate with each other in their own ways and there was rarely day when they did not kiss in the way which took their breaths away. Also their sleeping habits were absolutely doomed - they were at point where they could not fall asleep without each other no matter how much they tried.
Just… He was hitting thirty-two this year and his body and libido reacted accordingly - he was getting old, too much older than Eren who was only twenty one. And walls, Levi felt his age in his bones, his inability to really keep pace with new generation as persons not just as soldiers. They did not talk about it with Eren though, avoiding that topic because it did not really matter in world where both of them could be dead just tomorrow.
They were through too much together to really care about age gap. Also, Eren proved again and again that in mind he was much older than his twenty one.
Levi really felt desire only after particularly difficult expedition - when he nearly lost Eren. it was way how to feel him, connect them to prove himself that both of them survived together, at least that time.
When he asked Eren about lack of sex pull - it was not obvious because brat´s ridiculous height and that aura around him( soldiers still were scared of titan fighting by their side) but practically he should be horny. Levi remembered that age well enough.
“Do you think that I have some energy left after fighting? I don´t really need sex much although from time to time it feels good,” he answered him. And that's it. Older man was aware that their were untypical in this field as couple but who cares?
It worked for them.
Levi shifted in their bed - lying on his front he turned his head so he could see Eren sleeping by his side. Both of them were shirtless - nights were already quite warm because of spring and Eren warmed their bed as furnace anyway. Eren was on his side, facing Levi, practically burrowed under sheets and it would be a perfect picture if not Eren´s tense expression. Levi sighed.
He moved his arm sluggishly and touched Eren´s face - his brow carefully, only by fingertips of his point and middle finger, strange but affectionate gesture. It was enough because Eren - man who was beaten by his own kind too many times, who was hated because his nature, whose titan green eyes shone in way which sometimes scared even Levi - opened his eyes immediately. Levi made sure to let his expression relaxed. It is okay, brat. It´s just me.
This version of them soft and affectionate with each other, making fuss about things so small as nightmares of other, was so different of version of them on the field - with Eren with his titan form full of rage and Levi´s unfeelingness -even with Eren - that was almost laughable.
And still, it was not.
They were living on borrowed time already.
Kiss thief.
Evidently, he said the very last part aloud because Eren replied, “tell me.” Distract me, please.
Just half of year ago Levi would not tell him. He would change topic or kick the brat from his bed immediately. It was astonishing how things could change in short amount of time, “it´s not a nice story, brat,” he warned him.
Eren´s eyes shone - color so unique that Levi could not even describe it properly, just sea of gold and green- “tell me anyway.”
*** *** ***
He loved the new haircut which mama did for him.
It was much shorter that it used to be - strands of his silky black hair finally were not annoying him so much. It was always sticking to his neck in warmer weather.
Also, his eyes were more visible. In his opinion he looked little older with his new hairstyle and it was right - he was already four. He needed to protect himself and mama, he needed to look like big man as soon as possible.
“Don´t worry about it too much, my sweetheart,” she smiled but no long after that she showed him where their hunting knife is hidden. She also told him where to aim - for places behind ankles and knees if attacker is tall and for belly if not.
“Remember, sweetheart, if you hurt someone in their belly, it will cause big pain. Do you understand?”
“Yes, mama,” he said, looking at knife in his mama´s hands. It was shining beautifully and mama looked so strong with it in her hands.
“Let´s go home, my love,” she would say when they bought everything they needed - it was usually just little food but it was enough- and Levi would hold her hand. He liked to go at that place - mama called it home - although it was still strange for him to stay at one place for so long. It was little miracle for Levi that everything they left in that house always stayed there, like waiting for them to come back. Also, mama was smiling much more since they were staying at one place.
Before home mama would worked every night. He always had to stay with someone from their neighbours but when he was little older, people did not want him in their homes so he had to wait for mama outside on street. He hated how long mama had to work. She always made him to stay awake, telling him she would be very angry if he fell asleep at street. Levi did not really understand why but he did not want his mama to be angry so he did his best.
But since uncle Kenny came, they had home and mama had to work only from time to time. Their home was small though - when mama´s clients came he had to stay in closet. Mama made him promise to stay quiet in the closet until she told him to come out. Levi did not know why but he obeyed mama as he always did. Closet was rather comfortable so he usually fall asleep there if strange noises from outside - something like yell but more breathy - were not too loud.
Last client was terrible. After he left, mama stay in the bed for long, trembling and she did not let Levi out from closet for more hour although Levi knew that the man was gone. When she finally let him, she was smiling at him, but he saw that she was crying. He could tell. He knew his mama. She was also moving funnily next day.
He wanted that men stop. He did not want them in their home.
He told mama - he even cried and yelled but she told him that it has to be that way. When he asked why, she told him he would understand when he got little older.
“I am old enough! I am four!” he pouted. He was old enough to know everything!
“Not yet, my love,” she told him and patted his hair. Then she told him a story - his mama had the best stories in her head to tell and she told them only to him. Levi felt special because of it.
But he still needed to show his mother he was strong enough to protect her.
So next time when mama sent him to the closet, he took a knife with him.
He could not see anything, only his fastly beating heart. His hand were sweaty - it was gross- and shaking but he knew he had to do this. For his mama. For them.
He had to kill that man. Then no more men would come to mama and hurt her.
When he heard mama´s voice and voice of some man, he clenched his teeth, waiting. Mama would go away for few minutes for something, she always did.
When he did not heard her, he opened door of closed little to see the man - he was turned away from. It was perfect opportunity for Levi - he came out with careful steps, making sure to be as quiet as possible, his knife ready. It was all strange though - why that man had his pants down to his knees? It was not normal for someone to walk in someone´s home like that.
Also… that thing between his legs was strange, puffed and pointing into air. Was that man in pain or something?
He blinked one more time in confusion before he realised that it is not important - he wanted to kill that man, right? Strange or not.
He made two more steps. Man´s shoulders were shaking and he was moaning - he was evidently in lot of pain then. Levi stopped in sympathy - mama would not like if he killed someone who was already in pain. She did not like when people were cruel without good reason.
Man moaned once more and tilted his head back.
Levi saw how his pupils dilated.
“Fuck!” man yelped and pulled his pans angrily on with clumsy moves. Levi run to him with knife, aware that this was his only change.
Man caught him by his hair and pulled him up so he was barely touching ground by his tiptoes. Knife fell from his hand.
“What the hell, brat?” he growled. He was much taller than Levi, with curly hair and beard which was nearly ginger - Levi had never seen such color on man before. He wanted to stay quiet, he really did, but man was pulling his hair painfully and he was scared.
He whimpered.
When mama came back and saw them, she yelled in horror and then covered her mouth with her hands. “Levi!” she whispered, clearly scared, “Please, Peter…”
Man did not even looked at mama, his eyes pinning shiffing Levi. “that kid is always in the wardrobe when you have man here, Kuchel?”
“Yes,” she whispered, “there is no other place for him to stay. Please, Peter, I am so sorry. I will be with you for free and I will make you feel good, just let him go. Please, “ she pleaded.
The man ignored her in favor of Levi. “why would you do that, kid?” he asked. Levi did not reacted, too occupied by his pain but when Peter shook him and new pain spreated into his body, he yelped, “mama! I wanted to protect mama!”
“Stupid brat,” he murmured. His eyes met Levi´s again - they were dark brown, nearly black and warry.
But not cruel.
“Kuchel,” he said, “take that knife away from here,” he ordered. His mama did as he told without word, her hand shaking. Let my boy live. Please, I will do everything, please…
“I don´t kill fucking kids,” he grumbled and then put Levi back at ground gently. Levi blinked in confusion at man in front of him - without anger in his features he looked… so normal. Big man knelt in front of him, “make sure you can win fights you pick, kid or you will be killed. Understood?”
“Y-yeah” Levi answered. Why man is not yelling at him? Or beating him? People at streets did that many times while he was waiting for mama or stealing something because he was hungry, so why not this man?
Mama was standing beside door, clearly as confused as Levi felt.
“Kuchel, bring something for drink for all of us. And cards. This evening could not be stranger anyway.”
“Yes, Peter,” answered mama, “I will take Levi so he would not bother you anymore,” she added.
“No,” man replied,” he needs to learn lecture.” when mama did nothing, he added, “move, woman.”
She did not need to worry, though - when she came back with cards and drinks, both man and Levi were sitting at floor - bed was only furniture in the room and man refused even looking at it so Levi followed his lead silently and sat down. Kuchen did very same, putting Levi in her lap and her arms around his waist. Levi pushed himself as close to her as possible, content in mama´s arm.
It was strange and Levi did not like that man who called him brat but he was doing nothing to mama and that was important. “You won´t be sore and sick in morning,” he said to mama.
“No,” mama said but she did not look really happy about it which confused Levi. to his surprise, that man chuckled and Levi suddenly remember how man moaned when he had his pants down, “is that man sick, mama? You wanted to help him? He was moaning,” he said to mama.
“Well, Levi -”
“Of course, brat. Your mama would help me if you did not interrupted,” answered man instead of Kuchel.
“How?” required Levi explanation. Why his mama helped men if they hurt her afterawards?
Man was quiet for few seconds, looking at mama. Then he sighed, drunk full cup of his drink - it was smelling funny for Levi - and said, “ she is giving kisses to people to help them. Every man have woman to give kiss to him. But some are not so lucky to they come here to your mother.”
“Why she looks so sick after she… help?” he asked. Mama always refused to tell him so maybe this man will.
“We are… stealing kisses from your mother, brat. It could be painful sometimes and sometimes not but we are giving her money for that,” he explained.
“Find your own woman to kiss!” he hissed at man. His mama should not kiss man like this.
“Levi!” she scolded him.
“I had,” he continued like Kutchel said nothing, “but she died. And my son too.”
After that they were silent for a long time but eventually, mama and man started to play cards and drinking that funny thing - they did it for so long that Levi fell asleep and when he woke up again, he was lying in their bed. Mama came after a while too, and he curled against her.
“Never do that again, Levi. never. We were really lucky today,” she said and even in age of four Levi knew that she was right - that man - Peter- would easily hurt both of them
He nearly got them in big problems.
“I am sorry mama,” he said with tears in his eyes. He only wanted to help her…
“We are safe right now. Sleep, my boy. Tomorrow we will have proper meal.”
“Yes, mama!” he said, looking forward for something good for his tummy. They did not have good food frequently.
*** *** ***
After that day he never seen Peter again. Once or twice he thought he saw him in the crowd many years later when his mother and her smile was only distant memory. He made sure that Peter never had a chance to recognize him.
Levi started to use insult brat much more frequently than others.
*** *** ***
“Nice to know that there are still half decent humans there. Rarity,” Eren sighed. Levi was not really sure how but he managed to look so small and vulnerable although he was taller than Levi and Eren was evidently aware of that too - he turned around so Levi could not see his face in such state. Older man did not questioned it - he just sighed and put his hand around Eren, spooning him. Brat at least relaxed against him immediately.
“You were really lucky, you know,” he added after a while when Levi only was inhaling Eren´s scent, falling asleep.
“I don´t believe that it is me who is saying it but not all people are monsters, brat,” he murmured “even in underworld not many would kill four years old kid in cold blood.” but when Eren did not answered he did not pushed it - that brat was nearly decade younger than he was but his experiences with human kind as bad as Levi´s.
Beaten to the core of bones many times by his comrades just because he was shifter. Feared, making choices which no one should. Betrayed and pushed to become monster little by little. It was long since Eren was teenager dreaming just about killing titans and joining Corps. War sharpened him in many ways to the point that sometimes even Levi had problems to read him.
Sometimes, Levi thought that Eren stopped to think about himself as about human completely. Levi could understand it sometimes - Eren grew his hair so he looked like his titan´s which was constant reminder of his ability for everyone, his was how to say I am dangerous. Even in this form. . But it was also something else - Eren was dealing much better with animals than with people these days, relaxed only around his crow and when he was taking care of horses and around… Levi. it made older man feel special although he would never admit it.
Eren always smelled after herbs which Levi did not recognize. He does not even flitched or cleaned his wounds after battle because it healed quickly without it anyway. He always explained him everything he wanted to know about shifters.
He was shifter, no human. As much as Levi scolded him for thinking in such manner - he was as important as person as any other fucking soldier there- he also took some comfort from that - Eren was not limited by humans possibilities. He could push them morally and physically when needed.
He was sure that if there is someone who could survive this hell, it was Eren Yeager.
“Let´s sleep, brat,” he told him.
And for once, Eren obeyed him.