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Clare is five and she attends Sunday school just like all the other girls she know. Unlike all the other girls though Clare actually pays attention to Sister Fiona and all the interesting things she says. Sister Fiona is young and has a round face with clear blue eyes. She never raises her voice and treats Clare with respect she isn't used too. Clare admires Sister Fiona so much that she decides she is also going to be a nun. When Clare asks Sister Fiona what it takes to be a nun she smiles and replies with her gentle voice: "Well, among other thing you must believe in God and swear of all romance with boys."
Clare doesn't think that sounds so bad.
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Clare is eight and she knows that she shouldn't stare, but there is a girl with dark curly hair and brown eyes that sit in front of her in English and Clare can't help it. The girl's name is Molly and she is the most beautiful girl in the class. Clare can't stop thinking about her. It must be because she is jealous of her good looks. That is the reason she can't stop staring because she wishes she looked like that obviously. Damn Molly Allen.
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Clare is twelve and she has started pinning posters to her wall. The pictures show actors like Joey Lawrence and Luke Perry. These boys, no men, are much better then the boys in Derry. If she met any of them they would be perfect for her and she would fall in love with them or like the other girls do in Derry.
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Clare is thirteen and tells Michelle that she is saving herself for marriage.
"No fella will touch you if you tell them that," Michelle replies.
"Good," Clare thinks.
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Clare is fifteen and she knows what a lesbian is. It is something boys call girls that don't want to kiss them. Something that is whispered when those girls that run the local restaurant is mentioned. It is something shameful and bad. Clare hasn't stopped staring and dreaming about pretty girls. Sometimes Clare wonders if Jesus hates her.
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A lot happens when Clare is sixteen.
She meets James Maguire among other things.
When James is sixteen he meets Father Peter and tells everyone he is going to be priest.
"The best part is that I will never have to worry about a having some awful nagging wife. The priest life is just hanging with the fellas and having a good time," James says.
Clare wants to say something, but she doesn't.
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There is a girl called Katya living with Erin. Clare thinks Katya might be one of the smartest people Clare has ever meet. The thing she said about labels really resonated with Clare. Why should she have to tell people what she is? Why should people care that she is catholic or Irish or blonde? She shouldn't have to deal with any of these labels. She shouldn't have to think through it all.
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When Clare is sixteen she calls herself a lesbian for the first time in an anonymous essay. She makes sure it is impossible to track back to her before delivering it.
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She is also sixteen when her secret is splashed on the front page of the school newspaper.
She is sixteen when she tells someone she is gay.
She is sixteen when James sits down next to her in the assembly and squeezes her hand so hard she thinks it might fall off.
She is sixteen when she and her friends make complete asses of themselves in front of the entire school to help a friend and she is sixteen when she for the first time thinks that life for a wee lesbian from Derry might not be so bad after all.