Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

That night was not her finest. She stared at her phone, and was too afraid to call Ben.

Instead she waited.

She waited for him to call, jumping at every noise, checking the screen endlessly.

She stared at herself in the mirror as she cleaned off her makeup, and for a long time after.

She saw a woman who had scars that were invisible to all but her, and maybe one other person. Someone who had let her fear take her over. What else had her relationship with Poe been? If not a desperate attempt to see if she could be normal, be someone who could love easily and deeply, without it costing her everything.

Why hadn’t she spoken to Ben since she had last seen him in Tuscany, when he had whispered that their story would never be over, that there would always be a next time for them.

Why hadn’t she gone to work for the foundation, Leia’s life’s work.

Why had she hidden herself away?

Why had she pushed him away, made him doubt her heart?

 Because, the truth she had always known, was that there was no one like Ben, for her. Try as she might, wish as she would and as much as it scared her, it was undeniable. Her mother had taught her uncertainty and loneliness and her childhood had taught her fear. She had always thought herself so brave, in that secret way, you might feel but would never admit to anyone.

But she wasn’t, in the end.

She watched the snow fall past the window of her room, felt a silence, deep and profound, enter her bones.

In that quiet dark, she saw her fear made small by a new terror – that is was too late. That she had failed them both. In the end, when she faced the prospect of the years ahead without the possibility of Ben, it hurt in a way she didn’t know she could hurt.

She watched the snow fall, feeling the cold flakes fall on her brusied heart, freezing it solid.

He didn’t call.

The next morning, she dragged herself down to the car, seeing Rose waiting for her. She put her cases in the trunk, and then, settled back in the chair.

“Rey, are you alright?” Rose asked tentatively. Rey thought it about it a long moment, and then shook her head.

“I don’t think I am” she murmured, squinting her eyes out over the blazing sun, already melting the snow on the ground, the glorious foliage reappearing. Rose nodded, and turned her attention to driving. They pulled around the front of the hotel, and down the winding drive, as Rey turned her face to the window, her mind empty and still.

“Nice soulmate string” Rose said, suddenly bringing Rey’s attention to the red ribbon, that for some reason, she had slipped into her pocket this morning, as she had left her room, and the beautiful house. The place where she had come so close to having everything she wanted, but was too scared to try for. She stared at it, as she mindlessly slipped it through her fingers, holding on to the part of him that lingered. 

“Soulmate string?”

“Yeah! The red string of fate, tied around the little finger, to another person, means that no matter the time or place, those two people are bound together, fated to be – soulmates, it can't be broken, no matter how tangled or damaged it gets, or so the story goes” Rose continued, as she spun around the last curve of the country road and toward the huge gates at the bottom.

“Damn!” Rose suddenly exclaimed.

“Geez! Nice driving, ass hat” Rose muttered angrily, and pulled sharply to a stop.

“Erm, Rey…” she said after a moment, and Rey turned from her muted study of the red string on her finger. She saw a black sports car stopped on the other side of the drive. A very familiar car.

Rose reached a hand out, and squeezing Rey’s as she simply stared at the car, the door of which was opening, and then, Ben was there, approaching the car at quite a pace.

“Rey?” Rose asked again, as she struggled to accept what she was seeing. Her car door opened, and Ben was squatting down, and looking at her, his dark eyes running over her.

“You’re leaving?” he asked, slightly breathless. Rose waited for Rey to answer, and when it became clear she wasn’t going to, she nodded.

“I’ll take Rey, if she wants… if she’ll let me” Ben said quickly, and again, searched her face. Rey looked at him in stunned silence, before nodding. He moved to the back for her bags as Rose popped the trunk.

“Are you sure?” Rose asked, and Rey nodded.

“You don’t mind? You won’t have company” Rey finally said, her words cracking through the ice in her chest.

“No offence but you didn’t seem like you were going to be the best road trip buddy today… it’s cool! I can listen to my books on tape” Rose said with a laugh, at Rey’s frown.

“Just concentrate on the driving, pull in if you get tired.”

“Yes, mom. Now go – be brave, and take what you want, Rey. You deserve to be happy”

Ben reversed hastily and soon, they were back on the road, heading South. She couldn’t quite believe that he was here, that he came back. She thought she might be in shock, and couldn’t quite tear her eyes away from the side of his face.

"You're here" she murmured to herself, too quiet for Ben to hear. Again and again, over and over. 

Before long, the lull of the car, and the sheer relief of seeing his welcome face, brought the previous sleepless night back to her, and she found her eyes growing heavy.

“Sleep, sweetheart, I’ll be here when you wake up” Ben said quietly, squeezing her knee briefly, and she slipped away.

She awoke with a start, sitting up suddenly, a cry on her lips, his name, dreaming that he had gone. The car was stopped, and she struggled to see where they were. The driver’s seat was empty, and a moment of panic was quickly calmed as she saw him outside, sitting on a tree stump. He had pulled in at the parking lot in the woods, it seemed, taking in the tall, changing trees on either side of the car, interspersed with deep green pines. The little sports car was nestled in one of two spots, and there was something familiar about the place, but, in her sleepy state, she couldn’t quite grasp the tendrils of memory.

She opened the door, and Ben looked up immediately, the pensive look on his face melting away as she approached him.

“Cold?” he asked, looking over her.

“A little” she admitted, and looked pointedly around them.

“I was getting tired, I thought I should pull in… I saw the sign and I couldn’t resist” he said, his full mouth quirking up in the ghost of a lopsided smile, as he rose, and pulled a warm coat from the car, and brought it to her. He put it over her shoulders, and she buried her face into the collar, the smell of Ben overwhelming her for a moment.

“What sign?” she asked. He raised a surprised eyebrow at her.

“Fancy a walk? It might jog your memory” was all he said, locking the car, and starting for a trail, heading into the woods. She followed.

As they walked down needle carpeted paths, the cathedral of pines, still green and beautiful in the snow above them, she felt a smile start deep down in her soul. She glanced at him, her face showing her excitement. These woods were home. He had brought her home. He grinned back.

“I thought you would recognise it” he murmured, taking her hand to help her over a fallen stump. As she came to jump down, he stepped closer, and brushed a soft kiss against her lips. She almost slipped with surprise.

She found her feet, and trailed after him a little further, as his long gait increased, seeming in a hurry to reach somewhere.

“Ben – wait. We should talk” she said, her emotions a mess. He had turned her inside out the previous night, and now, was here, sweeping in and acting like everything was normal.

“What happened last night?” she asked, tugging him to a stop when he was slow to answer. He turned, his eyes evading hers as he shrugged.

“I had to go back to the city for something” he said evasively.

“I wasn’t sure you’d notice” he said, and the words hit Rey hard, directly to her heart, so hard she almost staggered away. And with them the terrible cold that had paralysed her starting to melt, bringing, long, hot tears in their wake.

“How could you say that? How could you even think it for a second?” she gasped out, as Ben watched her, clearly shocked at the torrent of emotions that had been hiding just under the surface.

“Were you punishing me for not being better? More enthusiastic? Less afraid?” she continued, as he looked wretched at her accusation. He shook his head.

“Of course not, I’d never-“  

“You left… you just left” she said, her tears making her skin sting, her mouth frozen in a mewl of sadness. She was not a pretty crier, and these were not pretty tears. They were guttural and real, and it was all she could do to force words out at the same time.  

“I didn’t leave – I mean, I did, but I was coming back. Of course I was coming back.” he said, stepping closer to her, stilling as she held out a hand to stay him. He seemed to sway there, fighting against his urge to move closer, determined to respect her wishes.

“Rey – don’ t cry, please, not because of me. I’m sorry, I thought you’d be busy with the wedding clean-up, and maybe even a little relieved to have me out your hair”

“How can you say that? How could you say those things to me, those, earth moving, heart shattering things, and then just leave!!” she cried, her voice rising and ugly at the end. He dropped his head, clenching his fists tightly to his side.

“I apologise-“

“Not accepted, and stop fucking apologising!!” she cried, though it came out as more of a snarl.

“You say all these things, and you are here, and you look at me like – like I hung the stars… and you treat me like I’m made of glass. It had to be my choice, all of it. My responsibility. It’s not fair. So, when it all goes wrong again, you can walk away and pretend I brought it on myself?" she said, more tears finding release.

“Why are you so insistent it will go wrong again? That we can’t last? Why can’t you believe in us?? Why can’t you believe in me?” he asked, his voice little more than a murmur.

“You don’t believe in me either, that’s why you need me to make the choice, to save you from feeling guilty later” she sighed, the last of her nervous energy leaving her, suddenly finding her arms caught by his strong hands, and then, they were slowly back toward a tree, it’s base wide and sturdy, perfect branches for climbing, her memory twitching as her back softly met the wall, and she gratefully let it share her weight.

“I don’t believe in you? How can you say that to me, when all I have done for the past five years is wait for you… when all I have done for the last 15 is love you” he said quietly, and her heart skipped in her chest.

“I will wait 5 more, and 5 again, if that’s what it takes to make you believe I’ve changed, that I’ve become someone – worthy” he breathed.

“And what if I am not worthy? You look at me like I’m some goddess to be worshiped, something you fixed as your idol. I’m just myself, the same Rey I’ve always been, and once you realise that, that all this hard work and waiting was just for… that… for me – you’ll leave” she said finally.

“You’ll leave and it’ll be all my fault, for not being able to keep you.” Her tone was desolate, matching the fear in her eyes. Fear and relief crowding in on her, making it hard to breath. 

Ben was still in front of her, and she finally grew brave enough to look up and see his face, full of compassion.

“Don’t feel sorry for me” she warned in a broken voice.

“Don’t pity me, just because now I’m the only broken one… the one who is failing us” she whispered.

He didn’t speak, simply watched her, and then, pulled her into his chest, his heart beat against her ear comforting her always. A no-arguments, all-encompassing hug. He rubbed large circles on her back.

“You think you’re different from everyone else, because you’re afraid. Everyone is afraid Rey, me most of all, and I am far from fixed. There is no fixed, there is only good days and bad days. I don’t want or expect you to be anything other than yourself, on both those types of days and I hope you feel the same.”

“And I wasn’t leaving you, and I don’t see us breaking up. I don’t see myself being parted from you again. Whatever comes up, whatever we fight about, we will deal with it together. I left because I realised that you needed more from me, than just words to show you how very serious I am” he pulled back, and she grasped him tighter to her.

He waited a beat, until pulling away again. He took a step back, his hands going to his jacket pocket, and then, to her amazement, he was pulling out a little square box with scrolling gold lettering on it.

“I could have bought something in town, but it should be this ring. It was my grandmother’s” he was saying, as he pulled open the box, and carefully pulled the delicate engagement ring from its velvet bed, the diamonds sparkling in the light.

“I might have left, but I came back. I will always come back for you.” He said solemnly, and then, he was dropping to his knees before her, a slow controlled movement, head coming level with her stomach, his hazel eyes shining clear and almost gold. There was something sacred about the movement, a surrender, a plea, a submission.

“And I might have waited for you, but you waited for me first. You waited for me all along.” He said, holding a hand out to her, his long fingers trembling slightly as he waited there.

“And I’m here now, I am finally here, and I won’t go again, not unless you want me to… maybe not even then” his mouth quirked in the slightest of a smirk, and Rey simply stared, unable to process his intention.

“Well? What do you say?” he asked, in the deep silence between them, as the surroundings fell into place for Rey.

Not only was this their forest, where they met, where she had loved him from the start. It was the very tree she had spied on him from, recognisable from its sheer size, and the clearing around it. She could see smoke rising from the caretaker’s cottage close by. And she knew it was no random stop on the road because he was tired. Ben had driven all night to get his grandmother’s engagement ring, and come back to her, then he had brought her back to where it all started, where that red string of fate first bloomed into existence, between two lonely children, wrapping around them and binding them forever.

A partner against the dark, a companion of the soul.

“Rey?” Ben said quietly, his dark eyes burning with intensity, and Rey’s tear stained face finally melted into a smile.

Rey reached back into her pocket and pulled the red ribbon from her pocket, and held it out to him, looping one end around her finger.

He smiled them, with all the pride of a man being claimed by the woman he loved.

The red band pulled taut between them.

“Red string of fate?” he asked lightly.

“The two people connected by the red thread of fate are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break… it doesn’t just mean connected… it means-” she trailed off,

“Soulmates. I know” he said, his smile growing even wider, as he used the string to pull her into his arms, and slid the ring onto her finger. They both stared at it.

“Do you like it?”

“Of course, I do”

“Good, I want you to have everything you want, and I want to be the one to give it to you” he said, his voice a deep resonant rumble in his chest, as he pulled her to him, pressing his head into her stomach, and she wrapped her arms around it, cradling it to her.

“If I have you, I have everything I want” Rey admitted as he raised his head and looked up at her.

“You don’t know what it does to me, to hear you say you want me” he said, his voice was low, vulnerable. She smiled and ran her fingers through the thick waves of his hair.

“I’ve always wanted you, you taught me what it was – to want” Rey confessed, and he tightened his arms around her. She suddenly realised that it was relief that eased Ben’s features. It seemed too impossible that he might not know her heart, that he might be unsure that she had loved him always, when it was so clear and painfully obvious to her.

“I’ll never stop wanting you. Needing you. I’ve always been yours, really, underneath it all. No matter what” She said quietly, and he leaned forward, and captured the end of the words with a hungry kiss.

“And I’ve belonged to you, since you saved me”

“You saved you, Ben”

“I know that’s what I am supposed to say, supposed to feel but it isn’t true. It was you.”

“You taught me what it was to live, you made me want to, even in my darkest times. I wanted to survive, so that one day, maybe – I could have you” he said. She pulled him into another embrace, her face finding the crook of his neck and shoulder, her spot.

“Well, now you’re stuck with me – till the very end” she said softly against the skin there.

"That's not a promise to make lightly, kid" he said gruffly, and she sighed. 

"I know" she said, her face splitting with the smile only he inspired. 

“So... promise?” he asked softly, and she laughed, grabbing his pinkie finger, bound to hers with the ribbon.

“Promise.”