Chapter Text
i know it’s a shot in the dark, lookin’ for what’s left of a spark. throwin’ ‘em back like i got nothin’ to lose, it’s a slow burn just like you. everybody says, “give it time” but i’m feelin’ like i’m stuck on rewind. throwin’ ‘em back like i got nothing to lose, it’s a slow burn just like you.
♡♡♡
It had been seven months since Jesse had released her album, which meant eight months since she had called off her engagement to Gwen. Over time, the two had started talking again, rekindling their friendship that both were worried had been long dead.
Jesse also hadn’t been back to New York City in eight months. She had been in New Orleans for a month before kicking off her tour there, travelling throughout the South for the first two months before making her way up the East Coast.
“Hey, where are you jetting off to now?” Gwen asked as she answered the Skype call.
Jesse leaned back in her seat, taking a sip of her coffee. “C’mon princess I know you know my tour dates.” She teased with a smirk.
Gwen laughed and grabbed Jesse’s tour flyer that she had printed. “Well, my stars!” Gwen exclaimed, using her best Southern accent. “It appears that Ms. Jesse Rollins is returnin’ here to New York City for two whole weeks!”
Jesse watched with narrowed eyes and a grin. “Well, now I hope that you aren’t worried that I’ve forgotten my Northern ways now that I’ve been in the South for six months.” Jesse used her Southern accent which was a mix between Maddie’s Louisianan and Amanda’s Georgian. “Please, I’ve been heading back up North for a month now, the accent isn’t as thick.”
“Oh, but it is, you just can’t hear it. Even your mom’s mentioned it to me the other day.”
“You saw my mom’s? Oh, right I forgot they were coming home for the big family reunion.” Which in all reality was the fact that Jesse was returning to New York, a place she rarely left for longer than necessary.
“Yeah they had a dinner thing, I was late since I was in the studio but it was nice.” Gwen smiled.
Jesse’s jaw dropped a little. “Now I’m offended, they have dinner when they know I’m coming home?”
Gwen rolled her eyes. “Please, you act as if your moms won’t have an all-out party when you come home.”
Looking out the window, Jesse turned back to her computer. “I’m half an hour out, do you wanna grab some lunch when I get there?” She asked.
Thinking for a moment, Gwen nodded. “I’d like that, I’ll pick you up and we can go to Peacefood Uptown.”
“You’re willingly taking me to a vegan place? What happened to making fun of me for it?” Jesse raised an eyebrow.
“Don’t worry, there’s plenty of time for that. I’ll see you soon okay?”
“See you soon.” Jesse nodded and ended the call, closing her laptop.
“Well, I’ll be damned.”
♡♡♡
Walking off the plane, Jesse saw Gwen waiting for her, leaning against her car. Both of them were increasingly nervous as it was the first time they had seen each other in person since their falling out in New Orleans.
Taking a deep breath, Jesse walked over to Gwen, both of them wrapping each other up in a hug. “It’s so good to see you!” Jesse smiled.
“You too! How do you look so refreshed after performing almost every day for the past six months?” Gwen asked as they got into the car after Jesse put her bags into the trunk.
“To be fair, I was with you, Noah, Billie and your older sisters. This time I pretty much just get some food delivered, go back to my room and watch TV until the post-show adrenaline wears off. Then I fall asleep before three in the morning. But I’ll admit, this tour is a little more lonely, even with Skype and FaceTime.” She shrugged.
“Aren’t Billie and Noah joining you after you head out from New York?”
“Yes thank God, although it’s been fun playing with other country artists, it’ll be nice for Noah to sing his parts of our songs.” Jesse grinned. “It’ll still be weird touring without you.”
Gwen couldn’t help but blush as they pulled up to the restaurant. “Well, maybe when I release my next album you’ll have written six more and can tour with me then.”
“Wow does that mean you plan on releasing another album?” Jesse teased as the pair got out of the car, Gwen putting change into the meter before walking back over to Jesse. “I still have some songs that would do well for your sound, alphabetized and everything.”
Gwen looked at Jesse with a raised brow as they greeted the staff, having known them for a few years. “You alphabetized your songs?”
As they set their jackets on the backs of their chairs, Jesse rolled her eyes. “Please we’ve known each other for years, you can’t be surprised that some of your organizational habits rubbed off on me. I don’t even write them in notebooks anymore, I have them in a binder and write them on looseleaf paper like I’m in high school.”
Before with her notebooks, Jesse would have pages and pages filled with different coloured pens, pencils, doodles and sticky notes. Now, while the pages looked the same, she had a stack of looseleaf papers in one binder and her completed songs stapled (if there were more than one page which were always covered front to back usually) and filed alphabetically.
“And how many songs have you written and recorded for your next album while you’ve been touring?” Gwen asked, narrowing her eyes.
A long pause, saved by the pair ordering their food, paying and sitting back down, and then taking a long sip of her drink.
“Four.”
“So you haven’t been going to bed at a regular time then have you?” Gwen asked, leaning towards Jesse, her arms folding on the table. “You’ve been working on a third album seven months after releasing the last one which only came out five months after the second album!”
Gwen’s tone wasn't accusatory it was the opposite, it was both shocked and impressed. “Is that why Noah was in the studio last month without an actual song completed to sing? I’m very into the fact that there is at least one duet that you do together no matter what genre.”
“Maybe, but let's be honest here he never really has a song with him because the team and I write them with him usually on the same day.” Which was another reason Jesse was glad that she was assigned to her family label.
“I still can't believe that you're playing Madison Square Garden on Friday, it’s unbelievable!” Gwen exclaimed.
“Shhh, the staff here have always been good about keeping all of us under wraps while we’re here!” Jesse teased with a laugh as one of the staff brought over their meals. “Thanks guys. Also please expand to the South, I need more vegan options down there.” She grinned.
The staff members, Eric and Lily both laughed. “Don’t worry Jesse, worst-case scenario we’ll send Gwen or Noah and your sister down South with our food.” Lily smiled.
“Y’all are angels. Thank you so much.” She smiled, making a mental note to leave a large tip for the staff to split.
As the two ate their lunch, Jesse couldn’t help but feel the butterflies in her stomach, memories of their lives even a year ago.
Music was blasting through the apartment as Jesse danced around the kitchen. Gwen was sitting on the counter, eating some of the cookies she had made, watching her girlfriend dance around.
“So what do you think?” Jesse asked with a smile as she spun around, jumping up onto their counter before singing the rest of the song she had just recorded.
And I want that all in, fallin’
Keep the fire burnin’ like the first time feelin’
No matter what if I’m gonna love
I’m gonna love somebody like that
Kinda heart, open arms
Says forever and will never ever take it back
If I’m gonna love
I’m gonna love somebody like that
Jesse was bent at the waist, singing the last bar right to Gwen before kissing her on the nose.
“It’s amazing… I can’t believe you’re finishing your second album.” She smiled.
Sitting down on the counter next to Gwen, Jesse grabbed a cookie from the dairy-free pile. “I’m so excited… I mean I finally found my sound and Hannah’s talking about tours and gigs in the South, which I mean I don’t like parts of the South, obviously, most people here don’t but still.”
Gwen watched Jesse light up in a way she only ever saw when she was passionate about the project she was working on. “Only if you take me with you when you go out of town.”
Jesse smiled. “I’d take you to the ends of the Earth with me Gwen Pan.”
Coming back to reality, Jesse realized she had been staring at Gwen while she was absently picking at her food.
“Are you okay? You look a little pale.”
“Oh sorry, yeah I’m fine, I just can’t seem to shut my brain off right now.” Jesse smiled, actually taking a bite of the food on her plate.
♡♡♡
The rest of the week before her first show in Manhattan passed quickly, catching up with friends and family alike and running through her show with her crew.
When Friday night arrived, Jesse was standing in her dressing room in front of the mirror, fixing her outfit which for the first act was black knee high boots, black sequinned shorts with a black tank top and an open white button down. “Never know what could happen.” Jesse whispered, shaking herself out.
“What a weird way to say you’re gonna sing to your ex-fiancée and see if she wants to try again.” Noah teased, leaning against the doorframe.
“You realize that she’s around here somewhere right? So shut it.” Jesse turned to look at him, as her hair stylist walked over to Jesse, fixing a few of her curls.
Noah rolled his eyes and walked into the room, grabbing a water bottle from the mini fridge. “Only you would use one of the biggest shows in your career to ask for your fiancée back that’s all I’m staying.” He pointed out. “I’m just honoured that you asked me to be apart of it.”
“Ms. Rollins, one minute to curtain we have to go.” One of her crew poked their head into the dressing room as they spoke.
Jesse and Noah followed them to the side of the stage, seeing her quick change outfits and stylists a few feet from the stairs. “Alright y’all, bring it in.” Jesse smiled, waving everyone in. “This is a huge show, and I’m so grateful to be alongside so many people for this opportunity, now let’s kick some ass.”
As her sound tech handed her the mic, Jesse tossed it up four times as she did prior to every show. “Let’s do this.”
“Madison Square Garden, please welcome to the stage, country music’s rising star and Manhattan’s very own, Jesse Rollins!” The announcers voice echoed through the stadium as the crowd broke into cheers.
Jogging onto the stage, Jesse waved and smiled to the crowd, blowing kisses to everyone. “Hey New York, long time no see! Let’s get this party started shall we?”
Watching from the pit, Gwen and Billie were grinning nearly ear to ear the whole first act before. “I can’t believe that she’s performing here, MSG has been on her dream board since we were kids.” Gwen smiled, looking over at Billie.
Billie smiled, singing along to the song her sister was singing. “It feels like a fever dream for sure.”
At the start of her second act, Jesse had changed into a long teal dress with a low v neck and high slit on the left leg, with silver heels. How she got the boots off and completely changed in sixty seconds Jesse was never really sure.
“Okay y’all, I’ve got a special guest joining me, which shouldn’t be a surprise considering we’re pretty much inseparable, but I wanted to perform a song off my next album that I’ve finished. Don’t worry this album won’t be coming out until I’m done touring,” she laughed, “but New York… my home, I needed a special song just for you. So I would like to welcome to the stage my best friend, Noah Benson.”
The crowd who hadn’t even stopped cheering for Jesse, only got louder for Noah as he jogged out to meet Jesse. “How are we feeling New York?” When he was met by more cheers, he laughed. “I always wait for one person to yell out “I’m not okay!” so if anyone wants to jump on that the next time, go for it.”
Jesse rolled her eyes. “This next song, I recorded in a hotel room in Austin and Noah finished it here in New York. I wrote this song after every crazy thing that happened in my life the past eight months, and I think everyone will know who this is for. So here is our new song, Wishful Drinking.”
As the music started, Jesse felt her nerves grow again, twisting knots in her stomach.
Maybe I'm just wishful drinkin'
Give my heart somethin' to sink in
Better make it two, nothin' I won't do
For another round of me and you
I know it's a shot in the dark
Lookin' for what's left of a spark
Throwin' 'em back like I got nothin' to lose
It's a slow burn just like you
Everybody says, "Give it time"
But I'm feelin' like I'm stuck on rewind
Throwin' 'em back like I got nothin' to lose
It's a slow burn just like you
When I'm a couple in, I get optimistic
Like you and me are realistic
Maybe I'm just wishful drinkin'
Give my heart somethin' to sink in
Better make it two, nothin' I won't do
For another round of me and you
I get hopeful whеn I'm tipsy
Thinkin' you might actually miss me
It's a hundred proof, nothin' I won't do
For another round of me and you
I'm wishful drinkin'
Ooh-oh, ooh-oh, ooh-oh
While they were singing, Gwen turned to look at Billie. “You knew didn’t you?”
“She’s my sister and he’s my boyfriend, of course I knew.”
“Oh my God—”
With еvery sip I'm gettin' closer
To thinkin' that we ain't really over
I know it ain't right but baby, just for tonight
I don't wanna have no closure
When I'm a couple in, I get optimistic
Like you and me are realistic
Maybe I'm just wishful drinkin'
Give my heart somethin' to sink in
Better make it two, nothin' I won't do
For another round of me and you
I get hopeful when I'm tipsy
Thinkin' you might actually miss me
It's a hundred proof, nothin' I won't do
For another round of me and you
I'm wishful drinkin'
Ooh-oh, ooh-oh, ooh-oh
Yeah, I'm wishful drinkin', wishful drinkin'
Wishful drinkin', wishful drinkin'
Before the next part, Jesse, who had been dancing around the stage at this point, turned to look at Gwen, one hand going over her heart.
I'm tracin' your footprints through my memories
Tryna find where we went wrong
Replacin' the space you left with new things
Nothin' I try lasts long
Maybe I'm just wishful drinkin'
Give my heart somethin' to sink in
Better make it two, nothin' I won't do
For another round of me and you
Another round of me and you
I get hopeful when I'm tipsy,
When I'm tipsy
Thinkin' you might actually miss me
It's a hundred proof, nothin' I won't do
For another round of me and you
I'm wishful drinkin'
Ooh-oh, ooh-oh, ooh-oh
Yeah
I'm wishful drinkin'
I'm wishful drinkin'
Ooh-oh, ooh-oh, ooh-oh
Some of the crowd had turned on their phone flashlights, waving them to the beat of the song, while the rest of the crowd simply cheered. After the first chorus, the crowd had picked up on it, some of them singing along through the rest of the choruses.
The rest of the show went by in a flash and Jesse was taking a bow in her third and final outfit which was similar to the first, light blue denim shorts with silver rhinestones, a white t-shirt, and a matching light blue denim jacket also with silver rhinestones, with white cowgirl boots.
Getting offstage, Jesse was greeted by Noah who opened his arms to his friend, who jumped into them with a huge smile. “I did it!” Jesse exclaimed with a laugh. “Oh my God, that was amazing!”
“You did amazing J!” He grinned, spinning her around the second he hugged her.
Once she was back on her feet, she looked up at him. “Listen, I’m gonna change quickly, if Gwen comes back will you—?” Jesse trailed off when Noah nodded. “Thank you.”
In her dressing room once again, Jesse had tied up her hair and replaced her fancy outfit with leggings, Ugg boots and her favourite New Orleans oversized zip up sweater with a white crop top underneath.
While she was braiding her hair, there was a knock at the door. “Hey Gwen.” She smiled, tying off the braid before turning towards her.
“You were amazing out there! I can’t believe that you just played Madison Square Garden.” Gwen laughed, taking a seat on the couch.
Walking over, Jesse sat next to her, making a little plate of food and grabbing a water bottle. “You know I think we’ve been here before.” Jesse pointed out.
Gwen looked over at Jesse and nodded. “That we have. Been a long time.”
"Pretty sure the last time we were in a situation like this you told me that I shouldn't act like I was the only one who was upset about our breakup."
"Not my finest moment."
"You weren't wrong though. I was acting like I was the only one who was suffering in our relationship. The way we handled everything even before I left, that's not what I want for us." Jesse shook her head, looking at Gwen.
Gwen bit the inside of her cheek and met Jesse's gaze. "The past week has felt like no time has passed between us, and I know we've been talking almost everyday for a few months now, but when you walked off that plane..." Gwen trailed off for a moment before continuing. "We fell back in sync so easily but part of me started wondering if maybe I was just wanting things to be what they were."
"But then?"
"You sand that song with Noah and I... I know that I don't want things to be the way they were because I want them to be better. I want us to be better." Gwen whispered.
Jesse didn't say anything for a minute before getting up and walking over to her bag, causing Gwen's heart to drop a little.
Reaching into her bag, Jesse pulled out a box and walked back over to the couch, sitting back down. "So many times I wanted to take this back but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It comes with me everywhere I go and I never really got why until we started to fix our relationship, whatever that is now. I know it's not going to be easy, and when I tell you I want things to be the way they were but at the same time, I don't want them to be the same at all, I really hope that it makes sense. Gwen, I can't picture my life without you and if you'll let me, I'd like to use this ring as a promise. A promise that I'm not going to walk away from you again because that was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and I know I won't survive it again. So, Gwendolyn Margaret Pan, will you take back your ring as a promise ring? Because when I propose to you again, I will be getting you a new ring."
Gwen couldn't help the tears that formed in her eyes or the watery laugh that escaped as she listened to Jesse. "Let me get this straight, you want to replace the promise ring you gave me when we were eighteen, with the engagement ring you gave me when we were twenty-one?" She asked.
"I mean if you wanna get technical about it then yeah." Jesse laughed. "So what do you say?"
"I'm saying yes, you crazy person." Gwen smiled.
Jesse laughed again and slid the ring onto Gwen's finger before kissing her hand.
"You owe me twenty bucks mama!" Billie's voice came from behind them, causing the two to turn around.
Jesse narrowed her eyes and got up, walking out into the hall where the whole family was standing. "You guys were seriously betting on our relationship?"
"Have you met our family?" Gwen asked, moving next to Jesse.
That was a fair point.
"It seems there are many congratulations in order for you tonight palomita." Rafael smiled, wrapping Jesse up in a hug. "You kids never cease to amaze me."
"Thanks Rafi." Jesse smiled, returning the hug.
As her family each gave her a hug and congratulations, Jesse shooed them all away, telling them she was buying the drinks at Forlini's and that she and Gwen would meet them there.
Packing up her bag, Jesse turned to look at Gwen who was spinning her ring around her finger. "How do you feel?"
Gwen reached out and took Jesse's hand as they left the venue, saying goodbye to the crew and stopping to take some pictures outside with a few of the fans who had hung around. Once they were in the car and Ken was heading out into the Manhattan night, Gwen turned to look at Jesse with a smile.
"I feel like I’d take you to the ends of the Earth with me Jesse Rollins.”