Work Text:
Agreeing to work on a movie with art-school oddball Kim Taehyung is the kind of thing that leaps from script-editing to pacing outside a sex shop giving yourself a pep talk way too fast for Namjoon's liking.
“Come on, Namjoon. You can do it. It's an adult store, and you're an adult, and you can do this. Just walk right in there, buy a silicone dick, and walk right back out again. Easy.”
He shoves the door open a little harder than he had intended to, and the bell jangles furiously. Namjoon jumps - the exact way a creep would, his brain reminds him - and shuffles guiltily inside, trying to shrink in on himself.
It’s surprisingly nice inside - no inflatable dolls hanging from the ceiling or obvious peep show booths anywhere. The walls are painted a tasteful cream, and there's soft but upbeat music being piped in from somewhere.
It’s also much larger than he had expected, and it's packed - absolutely packed - with sex toys and accessories of every conceivable shape, size, and colour. Even from the door, Namjoon can see rows of vibrators, bottles upon bottles of lube, a rack full of suspiciously short-looking skirts, a whole aisle of leather, and something terrifying on a pedestal that looks about the length of his forearm and almost twice as wide. (He really hopes that's a gag gift.)
Finally, Namjoon gathers himself enough to make his way to the counter, and stands awkwardly, hands dangling at his sides. (What should he do with his hands? What do people in sex toy shops do with their hands?) “Um… excuse me? Hey?” He dithers for a moment between ringing the little bell and tapping the man crouched behind the counter on the shoulder, before settling for rapping his knuckles tentatively on the glass surface.
The man jerks upright, pulling an earbud out and looking apologetic. Tinny music spills from it - a girl group Namjoon doesn't recognise. “Oh god, sorry! I’m so sorry, I was completely zoned out. Restocking, y’know.” He waves a handful of unidentifiable lacy underthings at Namjoon contritely.
He's… he's cute. He's very cute - all bleached blond hair and pouty lips and a little nametag that says JIMIN in curling letters. Not at all the kind of skeezy serial killer Namjoon imagined working in a place that sells sex toys.
Then the shop assistant smiles, and his eyes make these adorable little half-moons, and yep, Namjoon officially has a crush. “Welcome to Come As You Are, Seoul’s premiere one-stop adult store! Is there anything in particular i can help you with?”
Namjoon swallows around a suddenly dry mouth and tries to remember how to construct a full sentence. “My friend is- there’s this movie he's making and-”
“Ah.” The assistant smiles knowingly, and leans his head on his hand in a way that manages to somehow look suggestive and innocent simultaneously.
“N-no, not like that! He’s a weird film student and it’s a metaphor for- anyway, that’s not important, but it’s not porn - not that there’s anything wrong with porn, necessarily, assuming everyone involved is enthusiastically consenting, but, y’know, he isn’t- wouldn’t- well, he probably would, but he isn’t, is the main thing.” Namjoon coughs, tries desperately to compose himself before he digs this hole any deeper and oh god Namjoon don’t even think the words ‘deeper’ and ‘hole’ now is not the time - “Anyway, it’s about millennials getting f- uh, screwed over by the system, so he needs, uh, a, uh…..”
“A dildo?” the assistant supplies. His smile has softened into something kind and understanding, but he still looks just a little bit like he’s repressing the urge to giggle.
“Yep,” Namjoon's voice is traitorously squeaky.
“Well, we've definitely got a few of those lying around! I’m sure I can help you find what you need.” The guy behind the counter claps his hands together, and a businesslike expression settles on his face. “So! Any ideas about what your friend wants? Length, girth, colour?”
“C-colour?”
“I mean…” He looks at Namjoon quizzically. “There’s not just one kind of dildo, y'know.”
“There's no, uh…” Namjoon struggles for words for a moment. “...basic model? Homebrand?”
The guy behind the counter laughs, not unkindly. “Here, let me show you what we have, and you can decide once we’ve seen a few different toys.”
The assistant - Jimin, Namjoon remembers - ducks out from behind the counter and leads Namjoon down an aisle lined with ropes and restraints. Namjoon fixes his eyes on the rainbow array of bullet vibes in a case at the far end of the store. He certainly does not gaze wide-eyed at Jimin's ass for as long as possible, even if it does look like it was sculpted by Aphrodite herself.
“I know it's not easy to come to a place like this in person, so good job on actually making it in,” Jimin says from over his shoulder, and Namjoon tears his eyes away from definitely-not-Jimin’s-ass with great difficulty and a small amount of guilt. “So many people order online these days... I can’t say I blame them, but it does make life a bit harder for us - and not in the fun way.”
Namjoon nods sympathetically. (A tiny voice in the very back of his head wonders just how much experience Jimin has with the fun kind of harder.) “Yes, um, I can imagine! It's…. it's definitely not something I ever imagined myself doing. Even for moviemaking purposes. I really- wow, what's that?”
Something in a case that looks almost like a piece of abstract art - smooth and gently wavy, tapering to blunt points on both ends, and made of shiny metal - catches Namjoon’s eye, and he stops, distracted.
“Oh! Yeah, that’s new!” Jimin sounds genuinely excited as he sidles up beside Namjoon. “It’s not for everybody, but metal really can do wonders.”
“This is a sex toy? Really? It looks like it should be in a museum representing the human condition or something.”
Jimin’s laugh bubbles up again, and Namjoon feels his stomach do a happy little involuntary flip in response. “It absolutely is a toy, I can promise you that. It… might be a bit out of your price range though?” Jimin shrugs apologetically. “Especially if it’s only for one movie.”
Namjoon nearly chokes when Jimin tells him the price.
“ That much?” For a moment, he’s too shocked to even be embarrassed. He's pretty sure he's bought speakers that cost less than that - and Namjoon doesn't skimp on sound quality.
“Yeah, that's what happens when you get to the high end of the toy market, I’m afraid. It’s so worth it though, believe me.” Jimin looks dreamy for a moment, before continuing down the aisle, chattering about something Namjoon is sure is probably important but can't quite focus on now he realises Jimin definitely has personal experience with the stock.
His awful, traitorous brain starts a mental slideshow that gets lewder with every new item he sees. Those soft white ropes around Jimin’s wrists - pulling that pair of lacy panties very slowly down Jimin’s legs as he whines with want - Jimin with that ball gag between his teeth, plump lips wet with blissful drool - and that artsy toy in the case -
Namjoon is overcome with a mental image of Jimin scissoring himself open, fucking himself with that sleek-looking toy, moaning and throwing his head back, cock red and dripping, thighs shaking, back arching-
Namjoon almost runs straight into Jimin’s back as he pauses next to a multicoloured shelf of dildos. He can feel his face heating up, and is suddenly very glad mind-reading powers don't exist outside comic books. Probably. He hopes. (He sends out a silent apology nonetheless, just in case.)
“Alright, these are our most popular items. How about…. this one?” Jimin turns and looks up into Namjoon’s face enquiringly, and oh god he has to look up he’s so cute- Namjoon forcibly drags himself back to earth and tries to look composed.
“Um, is there any… particular reason?”
“Well…” Jimin turns it over in his hands thoughtfully. “From what you’ve said, you want something dramatic-looking, right? And I imagine something veiny like this definitely has potential…”
He’s being very helpful, and as he speaks Namjoon is frankly a little surprised by how much he seems to casually know about cinematography and lighting, but the way his little hands close around the huge toy is intensely distracting. Not his fault, Namjoon reminds himself fiercely, this is literally his job and he’s just trying to help you and- Namjoon almost chokes on his own spit as Jimin starts absentmindedly running his thumb up and down the underside of the dildo.
Your dick is almost as big as that thing, you know, says the traitorously horny little part of his brain that seems to have enacted a coup while he was otherwise engaged.
“...and see the the realistic little details? the foreskin and the slit at the tip here?”
Hey look, he’s running his thumb over the tip now. Nice, that part of his brain notes suggestively while the rest of him tries not to spontaneously combust.
“Um! Yes! You're right, this is… this is a good one! I will definitely- this is-” -he reaches out to grab it but can't quite bring himself to do it, and settles for a lame-looking ok-sign instead- “-good pick! yep!”
Jimin holds out the dildo for him to take, expertly ignoring the awkwardness with which Namjoon does it, and smiles. “Do you want to look at a few other items, for the sake of completion? I promise I’m not just trying to wring a sale out of you!” His tongue pokes out from between his teeth as he laughs, and his eyes scrunch up again, and honestly, Namjoon isn't sure whether he wants to pinch his cheeks or kiss him until he can't breathe.
“Um, sure! A-artistic integrity and all that! Wouldn't want to… pick the first silicone dick I see… nothing but the best…”
Jimin laughs again and turns away. Namjoon takes advantage of the moment of privacy to carefully shove the dildo into the closest shelf, bury his face in his hands for a moment and compose himself. Artistic integrity. What the fuck, Joonie.
“There’s a bin of slightly older stock over here- give me a second-” Namjoon looks up to see Jimin has busied himself with, yep, that’s literally a huge box full of dicks, and Jimin seems to have buried his arm almost shoulder-deep into it looking for something, and his mouth is very close to a lot of very phallic objects and his cute face is all screwed up in concentration and the very tip of his tongue is poking out from between those unbearably soft-looking lips and-
Namjoon has never had an out-of-body experience before, not even the time he almost drowned in the university duck pond with Yoongi in freshman year, but he expects it feels something like this.
When he returns to himself, face still glowing bright red, Jimin is making a cute little noise of triumph and yanking something out of the bin.
“Is this more like it?”
Namjoon barely glances at the toy Jimin’s holding (he’s not sure how much more of his own imagination he can bear) before he fumbles it out of Jimin's hands and clutches it almost defensively. “Yep, this'll- uh- this'll be perfect!” he manages to croak, and flashes a very weak thumbs-up.
Jimin, miraculously, either doesn't notice anything wrong, is kind enough to pretend not to notice, or is already so used to Namjoon’s earthshattering awkwardness that it doesn't register. “Great! I’m so glad I could help!” That smile again. (Namjoon is so doomed.) “Now, before I go ring you up, you're sure you don’t need anything else? We are having a two-for-one sale on the Fifty Shades of Grey collection. I hate the branding, personally, but if you can get past that it’s actually not a bad range. Here, let me just-”
Jimin squats and grabs something from the bottommost shelf. Before Namjoon can even surreptitiously stare at his thighs, he hauls himself back upright with the grace of a dancer, twirling a couple of odd little objects between his fingers - something with a sparkling silver chain, and a dark little ring.
“Uh, what’s…”
“These are part of the collection I was talking about. Two-for-one!” Jimin waggles his eyebrows, jokingly suggestive. “Our bargains are the sexiest part of the store, you know.”
Namjoon laughs weakly at the joke, but he still can't tear his eyes away from Jimin's hands. “What… what’s the chain thing?”
“They're nipple clamps!” Jimin dangles them from one finger, and they clatter innocently together like a set of keys. “They're supposed to heighten sensation, and some people like the aesthetic of them too.”
Namjoon flushes red and actively tries to repress the mental image that’s putting itself together behind his eyes (Jimin sweaty and desperate, pupils blown wide, hissing through his teeth, Namjoon leaning down to lick teasingly around his- ). Unfortunately, his curiosity won't let him off the hook that easily. “And… that?” He gestures to the little black ring, almost afraid to ask.
Namjoon can’t quite tell if Jimin is smiling or smirking. “It’s a cock ring. It goes-”
Namjoon flushes even redder. “Okay, yep, got it!” he squeaks, snatching it and the clamps from Jimin’s hands before he collapses under the weight of his own imagination.
(The completely unflustered way Jimin said “cock” echoes inside his head the entire way back to the front counter.)
The transaction passes in a blur of “no, it only shows up on your statement as 'CAYA Industries’, we're very discreet!” and “I don't suppose you're interested in a loyalty card?” and Jimin's delighted laugh at Namjoon's stammering reply (and a wink Namjoon’s not sure he didn't hallucinate), and soon enough Namjoon is stumbling back out into the sunlight, weighed down with a bag of sex paraphernalia, a whole new set of fantasies, and the lasting memory of Jimin's half-moon eyesmile.
“I’m never going back. Never.”
“But Namjoon-” Taehyung’s voice crackles down the bad phone line.
“Nope, nope, not hearing it, not listening. Do you know what kind of hell I had to suffer through?”
“Oh come on, it can't have been that bad.”
“He was-!” Namjoon sputters, almost lost for words. “The cutest person I've ever laid eyes on! Casually talking to me about dildo veininess! I almost died! You know he tried to upsell me on some Fifty Shades of Grey BDSM shit because there was a two-for-one deal?”
“Did you take him up on it?”
Namjoon is silent for slightly too long. Tae cackles.