Chapter Text
He wasn’t answering. Peggy called him 6 times in the last two days. Twice that night, three times the next day and right now as she stood outside his apartment building. His lights were off and she couldn’t see anything going on inside. He must be out.
‘You’ve reached Steve Rogers, I can’t get to the phone right now…’
She sighed and put her phone away. Peggy’d had the last two days off, so she hadn’t had a chance to see him. She just wanted to talk to him. It all happened so fast, he was gone before she even knew what was happening.
She had no idea he felt that way, maybe if she’d paid more attention she would’ve noticed. But it was too late for that now, all she wanted to do was make it right.
He wanted them to go public, and honestly she didn’t blame him. He was a very open and honest person, and she was a lot more reserved. She didn’t like the idea of her personal life being gossiped about. She was used to the whispers around the hospital about whatever surgery or stunt she’d pulled, but that was professional, and she almost always backed it up.
This was different.
She liked their little bubble. She liked not having to worry about fielding personal questions from everyone, including their friends. And they did share their friends, they ran in overlapping circles which in Peggy’s mind made things more complicated.
But was it worth losing him? Could she really swallow her pride and go public? The idea made her extremely uncomfortable if she were being honest with herself. Her life was her life and it’s always been that way. The only other person in the world she’d ever sacrificed her convictions for was Sharon.
She wanted to change that for Steve, she really did. And if there were anyone else she’d do it for, it would be Steve. She just wasn’t sure she was at that point yet.
She turned and got back into her car, ready to drive back to her apartment. All she wanted to do was talk to him. Maybe she can fix it. She hoped she could fix it.
“What’s got you sulking?” Steve looked over as Natasha sat down next to him at the bar. He was nursing a whisky, not that he’d drank much of it. He didn’t like to drink on bad days, even if he felt like he needed one. So he just swirled it around in his glass, mulling.
Steve shrugged “Just out for a drink,”
“Since when do you drink alone?”
He shrugged again. He knew he couldn’t confide in her about this, not without breaking Peggy’s trust. As hurt as he was right now, he wouldn’t do that to her.
“This got anything to do with a certain English surgeon?” Nat asked, and ordered a martini from the bartender.
“Not sure what you’re on about, Romanoff,” he defended, not looking at her.
Nat smirked to herself “You don’t have to lie to me, Steve, I already know,”
“Know what?”
She raised an eyebrow at him “I caught the two of you in the on-call room after that big MVC shift,”
Steve paused and looked over at her before breathing out a sigh of relief “Thank god,” he said and Nat chuckled to herself “It’s been killing me,”
“I could tell,” she replied.
“Does anyone else know?”
Nat shook her head “I don’t think so, everyone’s too wrapped up in themselves to care,” she replied “I’m happy for you, Steve,”
Steve huffed a laugh as he stared at his glass again “Thanks…”
“You know you can talk to me,”
He looked over at her and gave her a small, grateful smile “I know,” he hesitated briefly but decided to speak again “She doesn’t want anyone to know, I think she’s ashamed of me,”
“You know, I’ve never met anyone as private as her,” she said, sipping on the martini after the bartender dropped it off “I’m fairly certain that it doesn’t have anything to do with you,”
“She’s never trusted me enough to let me in,” Steve shrugged “Maybe that says more about her than it does about me, but how am I supposed to keep going if she’s always holding something back from me?”
“Give her time,”
“I’ve given her time, I’ve given her three months of time,” Steve downed the rest of his drink and placed the glass down on the bar “I’m out of time to give,”
And with that, he stood up and walked out the door, leaving Natasha there to sigh into her martini as she turned away from the bar, walking back over to the booth she came from.
“What’s up with him?” Bucky asked her. Steve hadn’t seen the two of them there when he came in.
Natasha shrugged “Midlife crisis,”
“So what are you going to do?” Angie asked her as they sat on Peggy’s couch, bottle of wine open on the coffee table.
Peggy shrugged slightly “I don’t know,”
“A big grand gesture?” Angie winked at her, a sly smile on her face.
Peggy snorted slightly “When have you ever known me to be a big grand gesture kind of girl?”
Angie laughed softly at her, tucking her feet underneath her “He’ll come round, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so smitten like he is with you,”
The other woman sighed “I hope so,”
Angle reached over and grabbed her hand “It’ll be okay, Peg,”
Peggy gave her friend a small smile, squeezing her hand softly. She was glad Angie moved to Los Angeles, she didn’t think she’d be able to be long distance friends. She was so used to doing things alone after Michael died. When he was alive, she’d follow him to the ends of the earth, or a war zone. After he died, all she had was Sharon, and all she wanted to do was protect her. So she had closed herself off and gone at it alone, until she met Angie, who had wormed her way in and now she wouldn’t ever want to be rid of her.
Angie was the opposite, she was so open and full of life and love and made everyone around her feel good. She was one of a kind, and Peggy was grateful she had her in her life.
It was discharge day for Liam, and he finally gets to go home. His vitals are great, his spirits are high and he’s buzzing with excitement.
“Well, this has been an absolute blast but I gotta run,” Liam says as he sits down in the wheelchair the nurse brought for him to be wheeled out in.
Peggy and Nat laughed “Remember, you’ve gotta take it easy for the next few weeks, alright?” Nat reminded him as Mrs Michaels collected her things “I don’t wanna see you back here unless I ask you too,”
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Liam responded “I’ll wait a few weeks before I take up extreme parkour,”
“We appreciate it,” Peggy joked with him, and they started to wheel him out of the room towards the elevator.
“Stop worrying,” Liam said “I’m gonna be okay,”
“Thank you both, so much,” Mrs Michaels said to the doctors as they waited for the elevator “For everything you’ve done for my son,”
“Of course,” Nat said.
“If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call,” Peggy added, and Mrs Michaels squeezed both of their hands in comfort as the doors opened and they disappeared.
“You know, I’m so glad he’s getting out of here…” Nat said as the two surgeons turned to walk to the nurse’s station “But, boy am I gonna miss that kid,”
“Agreed.”
They both stopped at the desk, and Nat turned to Peg slightly “Have you seen Steve lately?”
Peggy paused “No, I have not,” she said, looking down at her tablet.
“He seems a bit lost today…” she continued “Wonder what that’s about,”
Peggy’s heart ached, she knew she was the cause of that ache, and she desperately wished she could fix it. But short of standing on a rooftop and professing her feelings to the world, she didn’t know how.
“Haven’t a clue.”
“Maybe you should talk to him,”
Peggy looked over at the other doctor “If you’ve got something to say, Dr Romanoff, I suggest you say it,”
Nat looked up from her tablet and locked eyes, placing the tablet on the bench “Alright then…I don’t think you not wanting to go public has anything to do with Steve,” Peggy’s eyes narrowed as she continued “I think you’re scared to open up to him, because then you’ve got to face whatever demons are haunting you,”
“Is that right?”
“I also think that you’re scared that he might not like whatever you tell him,” Natasha grabbed the tablet as she prepared to walk away “But what I know, is that he’s fallen hard, and there is absolutely nothing you can say that will make him run away,”
And with that, she was gone.
Peggy stood there with those thoughts, and couldn’t necessarily say Natasha was wrong, but she was open with him, she shared things…
Maybe not everything, but the main parts, her job, her family, her bed. Yes, she held things back, but she didn’t talk about those things with anyone, she didn’t let herself think about them.
She hadn’t seen Steve since that night, which was about 5 days ago, and she missed him terribly. He had managed to avoid her at all costs. She had continued to try calling, she sent him texts, she visited his apartment…nothing.
So yesterday, she stopped. Let him have his space, and she would try again soon, when he was ready. She had hurt him dearly, without even realising it, and she wish she could change it. Would telling people be so bad? Natasha seemed to already know, did everyone else? If they did, they hadn’t said anything.
Peggy would give him another couple of days, and if he doesn’t come to her, she’ll find a way to go to him.
He steered clear of everyone since that night, he knew he was in a shit mood, and he didn’t want to have to explain to anyone why. Of course, Nat knew, but she could keep a secret better than anyone. Except maybe Peggy.
She had tried calling, texting, and even showed up to his apartment a couple of times. He almost caved and opened the door, and every time he saw her name on his phone, he desperately wanted to talk to her. But he knew he was worth more than she was offering.
He understood not wanting everyone to gossip about them, but her first day at Shield she drilled into a patient’s brain in the ER, they already gossiped about her. And who cares what they thought anyway? He never picked her for caring what other people think, but he guessed he was wrong.
The last 5 days have been torturous, but he had to stick to his guns. Who knows how long she was willing to keep this a secret, and he didn’t want to be years down the line and still having to keep his girlfriend on the down-low. They never spoke about what they were to each other, no labels ever came up, and he never knew where he stood with her. But there was one thing for certain…
He was in love with Peggy Carter.
Peggy was on autopilot today, she wasn’t as talkative with her patients, she avoided conversation with everyone else, and all light in her eyes were gone.
She tried her best with her patients, and still gave them a smile when it was warranted, but everyone else had noticed that she had shut down.
Steve knew she would be hurting too, but not this much. He felt bad, the last thing he wanted to do was make her hurt.
He walked towards her with a tablet, ready to give her another patient. They still hadn’t spoken since that night, but they had a job to do, and eventually they were going to have to talk.
“Hey,” he said. She didn’t immediately look up at him, but eventually turned. She didn’t say anything, just waited for him to talk. No smile, no nothing. It was like she wasn’t even seeing him, wasn’t even registering who was standing in front of her “Mark Daniels, 33, caught a bullet in the spine, he’s stable for now but we’re looking at paralysis,”
She nodded and took the tablet from him, looking at the bay number before making her way there in silence. She was reading the chart as she entered the room. She lifted her head to look at the patient, who was sedated on the bed, and the blood drained from her face.
Steve frowned as she stood frozen in the doorway.
“Dr Carter?”
He could see her starting to hyperventilate and stepped backwards out of the room. He followed her out as she dropped the tablet at the nurse’s station and continued down the corridor.
“Page Dr Wilson to trauma room 4 please,” he said to the nurse at the station as he followed her down the corridor.
She slipped into an on-call room, and Steve hesitated out the front. It wasn’t his place right now, but she looked like she needed someone, and he really wished he could be that someone for her.
He lifted his right hand, ready to knock on the door, when someone grabbed his wrist lightly.
He turned his head to see Tony Stark, who let go of his wrist “I wouldn’t,” he said quietly “Not today, Cap,”
Steve looked at the man, who normally was the most arrogant, most aggravating person to be around, and enjoyed being that way. But not today, he looked genuine, and if Tony Stark cared about anyone, it was Peggy Carter.
So Steve just nodded, gave the door one last glance, before walking back to the pit, ready to greet Sam.
Not many people knew much about Peggy’s life, and she had always found it better to deal with her own stuff. Today was a particularly rough day, which meant she isolated herself to deal with it.
She had gotten through most of the day without having to engage much with other people, then there was that patient…
Peggy finished the rest of her day, and made her way out of the hospital, towards her car. As she walked around to the other side of her car to the driver’s side, she noticed a man sitting on his bike in the next park, waiting for her.
She stopped as she looked at him. She hadn’t spoken a word to him in nearly two weeks, and today of all days didn’t help.
“Hey,” Steve said, for the second time that day, but unlike last time, she responded.
“Hi,”
He looked at her, studying her face and her body language, most likely wondering if she was going to run.
“I just wanted to see if you’re okay,” he said, he hands in the front pockets of his jeans.
She put on a fake smile “Why wouldn’t I be?”
He stood up off his bike, but didn’t step any closer “I know I’m probably the last person you would want to talk to, but I know something’s wrong, and we don’t have to talk about it but I just want to know if you’re okay,”
“Why are you here, Steve?” She said, exasperated “You haven’t answered my calls, you avoid me at work, you haven’t spoken to me in two weeks, and now you’re here, waiting for me outside of work,” she started to get agitated “You don’t get to ignore me and then come play the saviour,”
“That’s not what I-“
“Isn’t it?” Peggy cut him off and looked him dead in the eyes. A beat of silence passed between them before she continued “I don’t need someone to save me, Steve, I need my brother!”
Steve frowned. She had never brought up her brother voluntarily before, so he did look confused.
Peggy shook her head “You’d think that it gets easier, but every year is just as hard as the last, and every year all I want is to be able to hear his voice,” tears started swelling in her eyes “My brother is dead. Ten years, today. A bullet took him from me…and that patient…”
Steve closed his eyes, realising what was happening “Looks exactly like him,”
“So, if you’re here to hear that I’m okay, then you’re out of luck, I’m afraid,” she said and turned to open the door of her car. He stepped forward, reaching out and grabbing her wrist, turning her back towards him.
“I’m sorry, Peg,” he said quietly, and then she broke. She fell forward into his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her as she cried. He kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back soothingly.
She never let herself fall apart like this, especially with someone who she wasn’t even speaking to right now, even if that wasn’t her choice. So she suddenly pulled herself away, pushing him backwards and jumped in her car, leaving him standing there by his bike as she drove off.
That was a mess she was going to have to deal with later, but right now she just needed to see Sharon.