Chapter Text
Monday, 27 February, 2017
20:30
Lying in the middle of his bed, Isak scrolled through the mound of texts sent from his father in the past week.
Hi Isak. Do you want to have dinner with me tomorrow night? Hugs from Dad.
Isak, I know you’re mad at me, but you need to give me a chance to explain. Call me back.
I can’t get onto Lea. Is she okay? Did you tell her anything?
Isak, I’ve had enough of this. I’m your father. You can’t avoid me forever. I know you think I’ve made mistakes, but I’m just doing the best I can. I deserve to be happy. When you’re older, you will understand.
I’ve returned the signed forms to the hospital. Just so you know.
Answer your phone.
The last message was sent three days ago, and there had been no further attempts to contact him since. Perhaps Terje had finally given up, Isak thought bitterly. He felt a pang of guilt as he read over the texts in their entirety, sensing the building desperation, the longer they went unanswered. In truth, he wasn’t sure why he still hadn’t replied. He guessed it was partly a way of punishing Terje for what he’d done. And partly because Isak simply didn’t know what to say.
Terje was right about one thing: Isak couldn’t avoid him forever. The longer he left it, the more likely it was that his father would try and contact Even or Jonas’ parents again - if he hadn’t done so already. The last thing he wanted was for other people to get dragged into this. He stared at the blinking cursor in the text message box for a few minutes, before a soft knock on the door interrupted him. He sighed and dropped the phone onto the bed.
“Yeah?”
“Hey, little buddy,” Eskild’s voice was tentative as he poked his head into the room. Isak cringed inwardly; he knew what this was going to be about.
“Hey,” he decided to play dumb, pulling himself up into a sitting position as he spoke. “What’s up?”
Eskild closed the door softly and padded across the room, perching on the edge of the bed. For as long as Isak had known him, Eskild had been able to make himself comfortable in any given situation. Almost too comfortable, if the many conversations they’d been forced to have about boundaries and personal space were anything to attest by. This time, however, he seemed hesitant and nervous, as though he’d rather be doing literally anything else. There was a larger amount of space between them on the bed than usual.
“This is awkward,” Eskild stated the obvious, “but I’m just going to come out and say it. Your rent is about ten days behind.”
Isak stared at his knees.
“Yeah, I know,” he frowned, “I’m sorry about that.”
His father hadn’t sent through his monthly allowance on time. In a strange way, it was almost amusing. They could both be as stubborn and petty as each other, when they wanted to be.
He could feel Eskild’s eyes studying him carefully.
“It’s just, I know I gave you a bit of leniency, when you first moved in,” the other boy said slowly, “but it’s coming up to the start of the month, and well, with so many of us living here, the bills are getting a bit expensive…”
“Don’t worry, I get it,” Isak assured him. He debated with himself, before adding, “there’s some stuff happening with my dad. I’ll talk to him. Get him to give me the rent money.”
Eskild’s brows furrowed, a mixture of confusion and concern. “Is he okay?”
“He’s fine. We’re just…having an argument. You know how it is.”
Isak laughed, hoping to play down the situation somewhat, but Eskild didn’t seem to buy it. His housemate looked as though he was on the cusp of saying something else, though Isak never got to find out what it was.
“If you say so,” Eskild shook his head instead. “Don’t stress too much about the rent money, for now. I’ve paid your share.”
“Seriously?” Isak immediately felt guilty again.
“You can pay me back later, when you can,” Eskild shrugged, then began to smirk. “Just don’t expect me to go easy on you if you forget to do your housework this month.”
“I won’t,” Isak grinned, though he still felt terrible. Eskild had already done so much for him. “Thanks, Eskild. Really. You didn’t have to do that.”
“Sure I did. You might be a pain the ass sometimes, but you’re still my godchild,” Eskild leaned back on the bed, propping himself up with one arm. He appeared much more relaxed, now that conversation was out of the way. “What sort of a godfather would I be if I didn’t take responsibility for you?”
Isak rolled his eyes, laughing. “Well, you might not have to put up with me for much longer.”
Eskild quirked an eyebrow at him. “Why does that sound vaguely ominous?”
Isak could feel himself turning red. Eskild was the first person he’d told about his relationship with Even; he supposed it made sense that he’d be the first to know about this, too.
“Even asked me to move in with him last night.”
He honestly wasn’t sure what kind of a response to expect. He watched as the older boy’s eyes widened, initially with surprise, before his face was wrought with excitement.
“That’s great, Isak!”
“Thanks,” Isak beamed. The fact that his friend was so happy for him made him feel even happier, too. He was about to say more when he was glomped into a huge hug, throwing him off guard. “Jesus Christ!”
Eskild ignored him, settling next to him against the wall. “So, tell me what happened. How did he ask you? Was it really romantic?”
“Can we not talk about this in detail?” Isak blushed.
“You’re no fun,” Eskild tried to sound annoyed, but he was smiling nonetheless. “So what’s the plan? Are you going to move into his parent’s place, or…?”
“I think we’re going to find our own place,” Isak said. The notion of him and Even finally having ample space and time to themselves was almost too good to be true. “Which reminds me…and this is probably a bad time to bring it up…but we’re going to need a reference for the real estate…”
“Of course,” Eskild answered earnestly, “I’ll only tell them good things. Like how you never leave your dirty laundry in the washing machine.”
Isak shrugged. “I’ve gotten better, though, you have to admit.”
“You have,” Eskild’s smile reached his eyes. For a moment, something about his expression then was almost sad, but Isak knew he must have been reading it wrong. Eskild was probably relieved he was moving out.
“I guess I should break the news to Noora and Linn, too,” he said. “I bet Noora will be happy to be getting her old room back.”
“They’re going to miss you, though.”
“No,” Isak sniggered, “they’ll miss getting to hang out with Even and Lea all the time.”
“You might be surprised,” Eskild laughed. “You’ll have to promise us that you’ll all come back and visit. For family dinners.”
“We will,” Isak grinned. He’d been so caught up in the practicality of needing to move - and then the euphoria of last night - he hadn’t given much thought about what it would feel like to leave the Kollektiv behind. He knew it was a good thing, and that this had always been inevitable, but when he pictured coming back to this apartment as a guest rather than a resident, it left him with a strange taste in his mouth. He guessed this was what people called bittersweet.
“And you’re sure this is what you want?” Eskild asked. “You’ve thought about it?”
“Yeah,” Isak told him firmly, “I’m sure.”
Eskild placed a hand on his shoulder, expression overcome with affection.
“I’ll miss you, you know,” he said, “but I’m proud of you.”
Isak wasn’t sure what to say. His throat felt heavy.
“I’ll definitely get you that rent money,” he ended up calling out, when Eskild motioned to get off the bed, “just as soon as my dad stops being a dick.”
The last part came out a lot more angry than he’d intended for it to. It was enough to make Eskild pause.
“If he ever stops being a dick,” he added snidely, under his breath.
The older boy was already half up, but he readjusted himself on the edge of the bed. Isak knew the look Eskild was giving him well. It was the same look he’d had when he’d cautioned Isak about putting himself above gay pride.
“Did I ever tell you the story of when I came out to my parents?”
The answer was obvious, but Isak shook his head nonetheless.
“It was right after I finished high school. Before I moved to Oslo,” Eskild continued. “I was pretty nervous, because I wasn’t sure how they would react. They were both country people, you see. Grew up on farms in a small town, not very open minded. I had a feeling they’d have trouble with it at first, but…I hoped they’d eventually come around. That was probably naive of me, now that I think about it.”
There was a sinking sensation in Isak’s stomach, as he realised where this story was going. Nobody discussed family matters at the Kollektiv much, if it could be helped. It was universally understood there was a reason none of them went home for holidays.
“I haven’t spoken to them in three years,” Eskild gave him a strange, sad smile, “or anybody from my family, for that matter. My mum had been battling breast cancer for a year already, when I last saw her. If she’s passed away, I’m not even sure my dad would try to let me know.”
“I’m sorry,” was all Isak could think to say. He felt helpless and humbled at the same time.
“It’s okay, Isak. I’ve come to terms with it,” his friend tried to reassure him. “It’s not something I talk about much, though.”
Isak thought about the Eskild he’d always known - the brash, confident person who loved to tease them all like siblings. It was hard to imagine that he’d carried around this sadness for so long, hidden from almost everyone he knew.
“Why are you telling me this now?” he asked confusedly.
Eskild shifted on the bed, staring at him directly. Isak tried to meet his gaze, fighting the urge to turn away.
“I don’t know everything about your family situation. But I met your dad, and he seems to care about you a lot. Granted, he’s a bit uptight…he should learn to let his hair down, from time to time,” Eskild trailed away, chuckling. “I’m getting distracted. The point is, if there’s a chance you can work it out - if there’s a chance of having your parents in your life - don’t you think it’s worth trying?”
Isak remembered the words his mother said to him, before he left for Camilla’s wedding. You only get one family, Issy. Don’t ever take that for granted.
“I get what you’re trying to say,” Isak admitted, “but…I’m still pissed off at him.”
“So maybe you should tell him that,” Eskild suggested. “Whatever he did, I’m not saying you should just forgive him and pretend everything’s okay. Tell him you’re pissed off. Make him understand why. If you need any tips on how to do that, I can help. I’m very good at handling confrontation.”
Isak laughed. “Okay, Eskild. I’ll try.”
His housemate grinned triumphantly, patting the bed before standing up. Isak watched him walk towards the door, his usual buoyancy and confidence returned.
“Hey, Eskild?” he found himself calling after him.
The older boy paused in the doorway. “Hmm?”
“I think…I think we should have those family dinners more often,” he said. “Even after Lea, Even and I move out. We’ll make sure it happens.”
He felt like an idiot for saying it, rubbing the hair underneath the back of his hat awkwardly. When he saw the emotion in Eskild’s eyes, however, he knew he’d made the right decision. His friend didn’t respond, but fixed him with a look that said more than words ever could, before leaving him alone to his thoughts.
***
Tuesday, 28 February, 2017
08:52
“Please tell me you did your half of the assignment last night,” Sana barrelled over towards Isak at the school gate when he arrived with Even, holding hands.
“Good morning to you too,” Isak rose his eyebrows at her, while Even grinned.
His lab parter didn’t seem very amused. She scowled, folding her arms across her chest.
“It’s a pair assignment, Isak. If you don’t do it, I get marked down too. Or have you forgotten that?”
“Relax, I finished it,” he said, once he realised she was in no mood for teasing.
“Great,” she replied stoically. “Make sure you send it to me before lunch. I want to check your work before we hand it in.”
“You really don’t trust me, do you?” Isak asked. He looked to his boyfriend for support, but he only shrugged. “Harsh, Sana. Real harsh.”
Sana narrowed her eyes at him, arms still crossed in front of her.
“Okay,” he conceded, “I’ll send it to you during Physics.”
“What’s he done this time?” Jonas said laughingly, when he saw Sana glowering in Isak’s direction. He pushed his bike over to them, followed closely by Mahdi, Magnus and Vilde.
Sana shrugged. “Science stuff. Don’t worry about it.”
“Oh, so nerd stuff,” Magnus corrected her with a smirk, making Vilde giggle.
“Whatever, man,” Isak said, perhaps a little defensively, “Sana’s the one getting all weird about this assignment.”
The glare Sana gave him made him regret his words instantly.
“Like you don’t care about school,” Mahdi sniggered, repeating the words Isak had said to them months ago, “‘You learn much more by attending class, research shows that.’”
Jonas and Mahdi spluttered, while Isak cracked a smile despite himself. Even and Vilde exchanged a confused shrug with each other, grinning over their shared confusion at the inside joke.
“What’s going on? Did you tell them the good news?” Noora asked excitedly as she joined their small circle. She stopped beside Sana and placed a hand on her arm in greeting, though her gaze focused on Isak and Even.
“Uh, not yet,” Isak said awkwardly, as all eyes instantly fixed on them. He turned towards his boyfriend, who didn’t seem all that phased by the attention.
“What’s the good news?” asked Jonas, sounding both confused and entertained at the same time.
“Did you finally sell your love story to NRK?” Magnus joked.
Isak laughed and shook his head. After he spoke to Eskild, he’d broken the news about moving in with Even to Lea, then to Noora and Linn. Before he’d even been able to get out his long-winded explanation that it would not be happening before Lea was settled back at home, and that she would still be welcome to stay with them anytime, his sister had hugged him in a way that was all the approval he needed. Noora and Linn had been happy for him too - though Linn had grumbled some complaints about Even not being around to make breakfast anymore. Now that his sister and housemates knew, he supposed there wasn’t a reason to keep it a secret from anyone else.
“Did you want to tell them?” he asked Even softly.
Even shook his head, eyes wide and sparkling in the way that often made Isak’s knees weak. “I think you should tell them.”
“Well someone tell us,” Vilde all but begged. She had her phone at the ready, presumably to text Eva and Chris the latest gossip. Isak swore she lived for this sort of thing.
“Okay,” Isak sighed. He realised he didn’t quite know where to look while he was breaking this news to his friends. He decided to focus on Even instead, smiling a bit when he realised just how happy the thought made him. “We talked a bit the other night, and we decided that we’re going to start looking for a place together.”
He saw Even beam at him with pure joy, and in that moment, Isak seriously considered kissing him in front of everybody. When his boyfriend’s eyes darted away, however, he remembered they still had a captive audience. His friends were all either gaping or blinking at them in surprise - even Sana, who was normally so composed, appeared taken aback. Subconsciously, it was Jonas’ reaction that Isak sought out first. His stomach churned with anxiety, when he realised just how much his best friend’s opinion still meant to him.
“That is so sweet and romantic!” Vilde was the first to react, clasping her hands together. Her enthusiasm suddenly made Isak really grateful for her.
“Wow!” Magnus followed her, genuinely elated. “So you’re moving in together? That’s awesome!”
“Yeah, that’s cool,” Mahdi grinned at them. “Congrats, guys.”
He clasped Isak’s hand and pulled him into their customary ‘bro hug’, patting him on the back of his shoulder with his fist, before doing the same with Even.
“We’re going to have to throw a huge party when you get an apartment,” Magnus said, as he hugged them next. “We’ll invite everyone. The whole school.”
“Uh, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a small apartment, guys,” Even pointed out. “Like, really, really small.”
“Just a small party, then,” Magnus shrugged.
“Leave it to us,” Vilde said earnestly, “Magnus and I will organise it.”
“We haven’t even started looking yet,” Isak laughed, though he was feeling pretty touched all the same.
He looked over at Sana, who was still standing next to Noora with her hands in her pockets. It was strange to see her smiling in a way that wasn’t sarcastic for once.
“Congratulations,” she told him, her voice warm and sincere.
“Ugh, gross, Sana,” Isak teased, “stop getting so emotional. It’s embarrassing.”
His friend laughed despite herself. “You’re the emotional one. All happy and moving in together. That’s gross.”
He smirked. “Are you going to help us move?”
“Uh, no,” the sarcastic smile was back instantly.
“Uh, yeah, you are. That’s what friends do.”
“Sorry, but I’m going to be busy that day.”
“We haven’t set a moving date yet.”
She shrugged, just as the bell rang. “See you in Biology. Don’t forget to send me your work so I can fix it.”
“Ouch,” Isak gave her a tiny wave, as she grabbed Noora and they headed towards the main building.
The others began walking towards the school as well, leaving only Isak, Even and Jonas behind. Turning over his shoulder, Isak noticed his best friend and boyfriend were in the midst of a conversation, laughing and joking about something together in a way that made his heart feel warm. He watched as Even clamped Jonas on the shoulder, then came towards him, wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling him close, so he could kiss him goodbye.
“See you at lunch?” he asked, raising his eyebrows hopefully.
“Yeah,” Isak grinned, lips tingling where Even’s had been moments before, “we still need to tell Anders and Hanna. And Eva and Chris - if Vilde hasn’t already.”
“Should be interesting,” Even laughed, before leaning in to kiss him again. “I love you.”
“You too,” Isak started to blush, remembering that Jonas was probably listening.
He waited until Even had walked a few strides in the direction of his first class, sensing that Jonas had come up beside him. In the midst of all the commotion and well-wishes, they hadn’t been given the chance to speak to each other until now. His friend was smiling, Isak realised with relief, but there was something distinctly unique about it. Something deeper, more candid than usual.
“Well,” Jonas said slowly, after a short silence, “look at you.”
“Yeah,” Isak laughed shyly, though he wasn’t entirely sure what the other boy meant.
Jonas glanced around the now almost empty school grounds. Before Isak could blink, he felt a pair of arms circle around his shoulders, startling him to the point where he almost fell backwards. For the first time since they were probably six or seven years old, Jonas was hugging him. Not a ‘bro hug’ either. A proper hug. Isak realised his arms were hanging limply at his sides, as he remained frozen from shock. Was this really happening? Tentatively, he lifted them up, placing his hands on Jonas’ back.
It only lasted a few seconds, before Jonas pulled away, coughing into his hand and blushing profusely at how unmanly this act had just been. Isak coughed too, certain that his face was also bright red. It was a while before they could look at each other again.
“Anyway, that’s good news, bro. About you and Even,” Jonas said stiffly, “I’m happy for you.”
“Yeah, thanks buddy,” Isak clamped his best friend’s shoulder, perhaps a little more forcefully than he would have otherwise.
“Let me know if you need help moving or anything. I’m sure the boys would want to help, too.”
“Yeah, dude, of course.”
Their eyes met, and they burst into simultaneous laughter, which slowly evaporated the tension.
“Come on,” Jonas jerked his head in the direction of the school building, “I’m fucking late for English again.”
***
Wednesday, 1 March, 2017
16:03
Lea froze when she approached the hospital door, as though she suddenly couldn’t will her legs to move any further. She stuffed her hands into jacket pockets and chewed on her lower lip, staring through the glass to where the receptionist was busily typing.
“We don’t have to do this today,” Isak said from beside her, studying her closely.
Lea continued to stare straight ahead. She shook her head quickly. “She’s expecting me.”
Isak sighed. He wished he could make this easier for her. Wished he could assure her somehow that everything would be fine. Truthfully, though, he couldn’t predict how this was going to go. They had all agreed, under advice from Marianne’s psychologist, to take things slow. A couple of brief meetings at first, with Isak there as a buffer in case anything went wrong. He knew his mother was a thousand times better than she had been a few months ago, but that didn’t mean this wasn’t going to be emotionally difficult.
“Just remember to go easy on yourself,” he implored her. “If you really can’t handle it…”
“No,” she cut him off quickly, “I want to see her.”
Isak knew his sister well enough to recognise that tone. It was the tone she used whenever she made up her mind about something - the stubborn, trademark Valtersen determinedness that was virtually unshakable. He placed a hand on her shoulder and, with a resolute nod, steered her through the entrance.
The receptionist blinked a couple of times in surprise, when they signed in at the front desk. Isak was such a regular fixture in the hospital now, that she barely paid him any attention anymore. But apart from the first time, when Even had come with him, he had always been alone. There was a good chance she didn’t know Marianne had a daughter as well as a son.
“What’s with all the flowers?” Isak asked conversationally as he scribbled their details on the sign-in sheet. He gestured to the wall behind her, which had been covered in a variety of brightly coloured flower cut-outs.
“What? Oh,” the receptionist glanced behind her, smiling, “it’s for the first day of spring. Some of the residents have been making them in art therapy.”
Isak had forgotten that was today. He nodded, smiling back at her politely. “They’re nice.”
He peeled off a couple of the big green visitors’ stickers, handing one to his sister, before sticking the other one down across his chest. He gestured for her to follow him down one of the corridors.
“This place is different to what I imagined,” Lea said softly, peering into all the rooms, the way he had done during his first visit.
“Yeah,” Isak replied sympathetically, “I know.”
Marianne was waiting for them in the common area. She had been venturing outside of her room a lot more often, Isak was pleased to discover the last time he was here. She was sitting at one of the tables, dressed in a comfortable pair of grey sweatpants and an old sweater, nursing a cup of tea in her hands while she spoke to a woman in her age bracket. The other woman appeared to be doing most of the talking, to be fair, but Isak couldn’t help noting that his mother was actually listening and interested in the conversation. She was even smiling.
He turned his attention to Lea, who had stopped just behind him, and was observing Marianne silently from over his shoulder. She absently fidgeted with her cross necklace.
“Ready?” he asked gently.
She bit her lip again, and nodded after a second’s hesitation. “You go first, though.”
Isak slowly walked towards their table, watching as his mother’s attention shifted when she noticed him. Her gaze drifted past him, presumably towards Lea, and he swore he could see the breath catch in her throat.
“Hey, Mum,” he smiled at her calmly, bending down to kiss her cheek. Her eyes softened when they met his, before they darted back towards Lea again.
“Who’s your friend?” he asked lightly, grinning at his mother’s companion.
“Rita,” the woman extended a hand towards him, “schizoaffective disorder.”
Isak was taken aback by how casually she’d announced that. Almost like it was a job title, rather than a severe mental illness.
“Isak,” he shook her hand, “Marianne’s son.”
“I guessed that much,” she rolled her eyes. “I thought you said he was smart, Marianne.”
Isak laughed, as Rita smirked in amusement. Marianne, however, did not seem to be paying attention any longer. She was still staring at her daughter, smiling hesitantly, as though she wasn’t sure she was supposed to. Lea was keeping her distance.
“I brought Lea to see you,” said Isak, making eye contact with his sister and encouraging her over.
Thankfully, Rita seemed to take the hint, collecting her empty teacup. “I should go, then, shouldn’t I? See you in group, Marianne. Nice to meet you, boy genius.”
“You too,” Isak grinned as she walked away.
Lea was approaching cautiously, still fumbling with her cross. She held it up to her lips and chewed on it, the way Isak hadn’t seen her do since she was much younger, when she was scared and used to burst into his room late at night after a bad dream. As she grew closer, he noticed Marianne’s eyes clouding, the tears quickly threatening to burst forth.
“Come here, baby girl,” she said, just as the first drop spilled out from the corner of her eye.
After that, Lea didn’t hesitate any longer. Isak saw her face crumple just as she reached her mother’s side, throwing her arms around her neck. They were both crying openly before too long, oblivious to the other residents and staff who had stopped what they were doing to look. To Isak, standing awkwardly nearby, unsure of what to do now. To everything.
“I’ve been so worried about you,” he heard his sister choke out, face hidden behind long spurns of hair and his mother’s shoulder.
“I missed you, angel,” Marianne replied, as she held her daughter tightly, “I’m so sorry.”
Isak listened to the sound of their sobs, doing his best to ignore the eyes he felt watching them from around the room. He was suddenly transported back to the years of his childhood, standing on the outside as his mother and sister got ready for church meetings and gallery visits together. He had tried his best to share their interests - to be a part of their special, secret club - but it had never worked. He’d always been okay with that, or so he thought. Now, for the first time, he wasn’t so sure.
It was stupid and selfish, of course. He should be happy for them - and he was. But not sad and disappointed. Not concerned with thoughts of little Isak Valtersen, who had never really fit in at home or school, or anywhere, because he’d always been too terrified of living authentically. He watched Lea and Marianne a moment longer, smiling sadly to himself, before he decided it might be time to go. Give them the space they probably needed.
“Issy,” his mother’s voice cut him off before he could get very far, “where are you going?”
She and Lea had let go of each other slightly, staring at him with identical confused expressions. Both of them red and blotchy from crying. Isak put on his bravest face.
“Just going for a walk around the block,” he said, “thought I’d give you guys a minute.”
Marianne’s puzzlement slowly transformed to recognition. She sniffed, her green eyes vibrant, despite being watery. She kept one hand on Lea’s shoulders, extending the other one towards him.
“You’re not going anywhere,” she whispered.
There was a strange feeling in his chest. A fluttering of energy, of emotion. Of warmth. Forgetting everything else, Isak took his mother’s hand, and allowed himself to be brought into the fold of their embrace.
***
21:02
“Hey, look at this,” Even said suddenly while lying on Isak’s bed. He waited until Isak had set his laptop aside and shifted closer to him, so he could see his phone screen. “Looks nice, doesn’t it?”
It was an advert on a real estate website for a studio apartment rental, close to Even’s work and relatively close to their school.
Isak snorted. “You’re looking at apartments already?”
“Just for fun,” Even grinned at him. He scrolled through a few pictures of the place. “This is the best one I’ve seen so far. To be honest, most of the apartments in our price range are kind of crappy.”
“Yeah, I figured,” Isak laughed. He rested his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “You’re right though. It does look nice.”
He could feel Even’s chest rise and fall underneath him, slow and steady, in time with his breathing. He draped an arm over his stomach and kissed his neck lazily.
“Maybe we could check out a few inspections on Saturday, after I finish work,” Even suggested, “see what the market is like.”
“Sure,” Isak agreed. He was realising that when Even got an idea stuck in his head, it was pretty hard to slow him down. He liked that about him, though. His excitement was infectious. “I’ve never been to a house inspection before.”
“Me either,” Even admitted, laughing. “We’re going to be so out of our depth.”
“All the more reason to start now. We need to practice,” said Isak, sensing his competitive edge mounting.
“So serious,” Even teased him. “Okay. I’ll put together a list of places we could look at.”
He put the phone down and twisted onto his side, snaking an arm across Isak’s waist. Isak cupped his face as he kissed him, then ran his thumb gently across his cheek, staring into crystal blue.
“Have you told your parents yet?” Isak asked.
“Yeah,” there was a flicker of hesitation, “they said they were glad you said yes.”
“But they’re worried?” Isak guessed.
“It’s their job to worry, you know? We talked it out, though. They’re going to be supportive,” his boyfriend shrugged. “What about your parents?”
Isak assumed that Lise and Petter might have some qualms, as any normal parent would. He didn’t take it personally. It was different with Terje and Marianne. He had left home without giving them a choice, and they were used to it by now. There was a strange, sinking feeling in his gut when he thought about his dad.
“Isak?” Even probed, sounding concerned.
“I haven’t told them yet,” he said quietly, when he’d been silent for too long. “My mum is still dealing with a lot, and my dad…”
Even said nothing, but clutched a little tighter at his waist, waiting for him to continue.
“I didn’t tell you this, but I ran into my dad’s girlfriend a few weeks ago. At least, I think it was his girlfriend.”
He could tell Even knew who he meant instantly. “The woman from the Japanese restaurant? After Christmas?”
“Yeah,” Isak stared into the tiny gap of space between them, “I’ve…I’ve sort of been avoiding him since. I don’t really know why.”
“It makes sense,” Even’s voice was understanding, “he should have told you the truth.”
Isak’s fingers absently played with the fabric of Even’s shirt.
“Ages ago, my mum thought that my dad was cheating on her with somebody from work,” he continued. “She started acting really weird and paranoid - I thought at the time she was just stressed. You know, one of her episodes. One day, she completely trashed his home office, and when he came from work he…he just lost it. Said he couldn’t handle it anymore.”
“That was the day he left?” asked Even gently.
Isak nodded. “I think that was just the last straw. There had been a lot of other problems leading up to it. But I never thought that there was any truth to what my mum had been saying, about the cheating. I never thought that…that he might actually…”
He trailed away, suddenly feeling choked up. Even’s hand began running a soothing pattern along his back.
“All this time, I’ve been blaming my mum for everything. Calling her crazy. To her face - I practically screamed it at her the day I left home,” he cringed. “I was just so pissed off. I felt like I was looking after her all the time, because she couldn’t hold it together after Dad left her. It was exhausting. Plus, she’d been getting all up in my face about this court summons - you know, to do with the whole William thing - and the fights I’d been getting involved in. Then, when she…”
Isak realised he’d never told anybody all of this before. Not the full story. Not even Jonas or Eskild knew everything. With Even, though, he was completely safe. He was sure of it. It was cathartic to finally be letting this go.
“She found this video on my phone. Like, guy on guy stuff,” he blushed. “I didn’t think. I just freaked out. I called her a psycho and then I left. I had no idea where I was supposed to go, so I ended up at this gay bar,” he laughed wryly to himself. “That’s where Eskild found me, hiding in a corner, drunk off my ass. Said he recognised me from Instagram stalking with Noora and Eva. I guess you can figure out the rest. I slept in the basement for weeks, and nobody except Eskild ever knew. Then Noora decided she was going to follow William to London, so I got to move into her room the day she flew out.”
Even kept listening silently, with unfaltering love and compassion that Isak had scarcely known before. He could feel a single teardrop pressing at the corner of his eye, and hastily wiped it away.
“Fuck, sorry for saying all of that,” he gave a strange laugh, “I didn’t think I’d get stuck into this, right now. It’s been a strange day.”
“Don’t be sorry,” Even kissed him quickly. “I’m glad I know.”
“Maybe my mum was right about my dad all along,” he thought out loud. “Maybe he was cheating on her, and I just dismissed it.”
“You can’t know that for sure,” his boyfriend reasoned, “not unless you ask your dad directly.”
“I just feel so fucking guilty all the time,” he sighed. “For the way I treated her. My mum, I mean. I’ve told her that I’m sorry, but I don’t think she knows just how much.”
“She knows, Isak, trust me,” Even said. “I’ve spent a lot of time feeling guilty, about things in the past. I know it’s hard to believe, but it does get easier to forgive yourself. And that’s really all you can do. You can’t change anything.”
For a second, Isak remembered Sonja’s words about the Qur’an. The ruined school revue. The torn picture of Mikael.
“It gets easier?” he asked.
“It does,” Even smiled at him. “And besides, not everything is your fault. You can’t be expected to fix all your parents’ problems. You were stuck in a terrible situation, and the way you reacted…it’s human. Your mum understands that. Anybody would.”
Isak had to smile back. He touched his boyfriend’s face again. “You’re weirdly smart sometimes, do you know that?”
“Only sometimes?” Even pretended to be outraged.
“Okay, all the time,” Isak’s grin broadened. He kissed him again, longer and deeper this time. “I’m lucky to have you.”
He sensed Even’s happiness swell.
“I’m lucky to have you, too.”
***
Thursday, 2 March, 2017
18:14
Isak deliberately arrived late to his father’s apartment, knowing full well that Terje would find it irritating.
“No jazz music this time?” he asked, somewhat spitefully, when the door opened.
Terje was still dressed in his work clothes, which had managed to stay as pristine as they would have been when he put them on that morning. Isak could tell his father was stressed, though, in a way he hadn’t been two weeks ago. There were dark circles underneath his eyes. He bristled ever so slightly at the comment, but then seemed to settle with it.
“No,” he said sombrely, “no jazz music this time.”
He stood back to allow Isak inside. Isak stalled, just long enough to make his father think he might take off again, before kicking off his shoes. He led the way over to the kitchen. The small dining table had been set for two people, a stack of takeaway containers in the middle.
“I ordered Japanese,” Terje explained as he followed, “that’s still your favourite, right?”
Isak shrugged and sat down. Just beyond the large glass windows and small balcony, lay an exquisite view of the harbour. Even had commented on it when they’d all had dinner here, he remembered, and Terje had liked that. A much happier, less tense situation than the one he’d found himself in now.
“Would you like a glass of wine?” Terje called out calmly from the kitchen. He’d uncorked a bottle, pausing with one had in the cupboard as he waited for a response.
Isak couldn’t believe it. “What?”
“You mean ‘excuse me’,” his father corrected. “Growing up doesn’t mean growing out of good manners, son.”
He didn’t know whether to laugh or roll his eyes. Offering him a drink before his eighteenth birthday was something he never would have imagined, but Terje still managed to make him feel like a stupid child at the same time.
“Excuse me, then,” he ended up rolling his eyes after all. “Yes, a wine would be nice, thanks.”
He didn’t actually like the taste of wine, still, but he figured he might as well take advantage of a situation that very well could not occur again. Terje’s expression was stoic as he poured two glasses, then carried them over to the table. Isak couldn’t help but notice his glass was a little less full.
“Why the change of mind about drinking?” he had to ask.
Terje cleared his throat. “You’re almost eighteen. It was…pointed out to me, recently, that I ought to start treating you a little more like an adult.”
“Pointed out by Sigrid,” Isak assumed. Her name tasted bitter on his tongue.
Terje tensed, then took a sip of his wine. “Yes.”
Isak reached for his glass as well. It was noticeably more expensive than the stuff he’d tried with Even, but he still hated the aftertaste. He tried not to wince as it slid down his throat.
Terje began opening the takeaway containers, dishing out servings onto their plates. Isak wasn’t hungry at all. He pushed some teriyaki chicken around with a chopstick, taking only a couple of obligatory bites. Were they really going to sit there all night and act like everything was normal?
“You know,” his father said after a long silence, “there’s a Nordic Japanese fusion restaurant that just opened in-”
“Dad,” Isak dropped the chopsticks, cutting him off sharply, “I don’t want to talk about restaurants with you tonight.”
Stern grey eyes poured into his. Isak wanted to look away, but forced himself to meet his father’s gaze. Slowly, Terje set his chopsticks down too.
“Okay, Isak,” he said calmly, “what do you want to talk about?”
Isak steeled himself, focusing on the burgundy smears on the side of his mostly untouched glass.
“Did you cheat on Mum with Sigrid?”
It took him a while before he could look up. He felt guilty, despite himself, when how pained his father was by the question. He couldn’t regret it, though. He had to know.
“No,” Terje finally answered. After some hesitation, he added, “there were…some feelings…but we never acted on them. Not until your mother and I had separated.”
“But Mum knew,” it was more of a statement than a question.
Terje sighed.
“Marianne has always been very intuitive,” he said sadly, “more so than any other person I’ve met. I think she knew before I did.”
So her suspicions about Terje had not been unfounded, Isak thought. At least not entirely. He remembered going to his father’s summer work barbecue back in 2015, along with Lea and Marianne. Sigrid would have been there. His mother had caused a huge scene, ranting and raving about something, crying hysterically. Talking about sinners. Isak had been mortified beyond comprehension. Did she sense something between Sigrid and Terje that day? Her illness often made her behaviour irrational, but that didn’t mean her feelings - her pain - manifested from nothing.
“Is that why you left her?” Isak was surprised by how it hurt, saying that out loud. Left us, he added privately in his head. “Was it because of Sigrid?”
“No,” Terje’s response was firm. “I never intended to leave Marianne. Or you and your sister. I’m not that sort of man, Isak. We don’t come from that sort of family. I’ve told you before why I left, and while it might not be for the best reasons, it was the truth. I couldn’t live like that a minute longer. I just couldn’t.”
Isak studied his father closely. He believed him. There was no doubt.
“You don’t know how bad it got,” he said. “After you left, she couldn’t get out of bed anymore. She had a complete breakdown. Stopped talking. Stopped eating. I had to force-feed her to keep her alive. I ended up calling Jonas, because I didn’t know what else to do. It was just me, him and Lea, on our own. I had to keep it together, for Lea’s sake, but it was the worst time of my life. I was fucking terrified.”
Those horrible memories came flooding back, along with the emotions they brought. It was almost too much to withstand.
Terje didn’t seem capable of looking at him. He turned and stared out the window, voice hoarse and small. “You should have told me.”
“I wasn’t sure how,” Isak said softly, “I wasn’t sure if I could.”
Terje crossed his arms. It seemed more like a way of consoling himself, than getting defensive.
“I’m sorry, Isak,” he murmured. “I’m so sorry. That should never have fallen onto you. I regret that it ever did.”
When he finally looked at Isak, his eyes were misty. Not once had Isak ever seen his father cry before. Not once had he even come close.
“I’m sorry,” he said again.
Isak could feel his own eyes sting, the longer he watched his father lose control.
“I left too,” he admitted. “There’s no denying that. But it was different. I thought she’d found out I’m gay, and that she was going to hate me forever.”
“Your mother would never hate you,” Terje answered immediately. “And if anything I’d said made you think that…I was only trying to protect you.”
“No, it’s okay,” Isak said hastily. He wiped a rogue tear away from his eye. “You didn’t think she’d hate me. You were just worried she might not understand.”
Terje nodded, wiping at his face as well. He chuckled. “Look at us. We’re a mess.”
Father and son, sobbing into their chicken teriyaki. Isak laughed too.
“The day we took Mum to hospital, I cried in front of Even. Like, a lot,” he found himself saying, smiling as he rubbed his face with his sleeve. “He was really good about it. He said, ‘I don’t think any less of you’. Made this big deal about how being open in front of other people makes you stronger.”
“I’m glad,” Terje smiled back. “Even is good for you.”
“Do you love Sigrid?”
The question must have come out of thin air. Isak was just as surprised by it as Terje seemed. A part of him must have wanted to know.
“The relationship is still new,” his father said. “We were going to wait until things were more…stable…for you and Lea, before telling you. I was planning on inviting you, Even and Lea to dinner, so you could all meet her. Eventually. But it made sense to us to keep it a secret for the time being.”
“You weren’t very good at keeping it a secret,” Isak sniggered. “It was pretty obvious, when we ran into you with her after Christmas. Then I saw her with you at your office. And last night Even told me he’d seen her sitting in your car outside the Kollektiv, when you came to visit.”
Terje’s brows furrowed. “If you knew about it all this time, then why were you so upset that day?”
It was a valid point. Isak examined his feelings carefully.
“It wasn’t so much that you were seeing her,” he said, “maybe it was, at first, but I got over it. I can accept that you and Mum aren’t getting back together. You’ve told me that, and I can understand that you won’t want to be alone forever. What sucks about it as that you lied to me, and snuck around behind my back. Like you didn’t trust me enough to handle it. I wish you’d just been honest.”
“Maybe you’re right,” Terje conceded, “maybe I should have trusted you more. I can see that now.”
He took another sip of wine. Isak hadn’t been expecting him to agree so readily.
“It’s all this ‘you’ll understand when you’re older’ bullshit that you’ve been spinning for years,” he said frustratedly. “How much older do I have to get? It just seems like you’re deflecting. But I probably understand a lot more than you’ve realised. I had to move out on my own. I’ve had to look after Mum, and Lea. I’ve had to look after Even, I-”
“What do you mean, you’ve had to look after Even?”
Isak froze, wondering if he’d said too much. “When he was sick.”
“Is Even sick?” Terje sounded concerned.
Isak wasn’t sure what Even would be comfortable with him saying. He’d often been so guarded about his mental health, although that was starting to change.
“He has this condition,” he decided to try and keep it vague.
“What kind of condition? Does he have a specialist?” Terje was already getting into ‘doctor mode’, viewing Even’s mysterious condition as a puzzle waiting to be solved. “What’s the recommended treatment?”
There wasn’t much point keeping it hidden any longer. “He has bipolar disorder.”
Terje’s eyes widened. Clearly, this wasn’t the response he had been anticipating.
“But he’s…”
“Normal?” Isak finished for him. “Yeah. He is.”
He could see the cogs turning in his father’s brain. Despite being married to Marianne for so many years, it was obvious that Terje’s understanding on the subject was limited. He was used to treating conditions and ailments that people could physically see, not the kind that existed in the mind.
“The point I’m trying to make, is that you shouldn’t think that I can’t handle things anymore,” Isak said, “or that I’m too young to understand. At least give me the chance to first. You’re only making it worse by keeping me in the dark. Even if you did what you did for the right reasons, it came across the wrong way.”
“Yes, okay,” Terje sighed. “I’m aware of that now. Sigrid said as much, and you’ve just reinforced it. I’m going to try and respect that a little more often.”
“And I’ll try to be honest too,” Isak conceded, “rather than getting angry and storming off. Or not saying anything, when I really need you to hear something.”
“That sounds like a fair bargain,” Terje smiled at him.
They stared out at the beautiful view in silence, Terje finishing off his wine, Isak hoping his barely-touched glass would go unnoticed. His mind felt strangely blank, empty of the chaos which regularly consumed it. It was a good change.
“In the spirit of honesty, I have to ask,” his father finally spoke. “After everything with your mother…it doesn’t worry you, with Even?”
“No,” Isak answered straight away, “not at all. Even is Even, you know? Bipolar is one part of him. Together those parts make him who he is, and I’m okay with all of that. More than okay, actually.”
Terje’s expression softened. “It’s like they say. You can’t pick who you fall in love with.”
“You can’t,” Isak grinned. “I wouldn’t pick anyone else though.”
“I’m writing that down, for when I have to give your wedding toast.”
Isak spluttered. Was his father actually showing signs of a sense of humour? What was happening to the world?
“Let’s start with moving in together, first.”
“With Even?” he could have sworn Terje actually sounded pleased at the prospect. Isak gave something between a nod and shrug, and his father’s smile broadened. “Well, that’s good news.”
“You think so?”
“Of course,” his father asserted. “Like I said, he’s good for you. And to be honest, I haven’t been too sure about those eccentric housemates of yours…”
“Eskild and Linn?” Isak laughed. “They’re great.”
“Isak, I don’t…” Terje stopped himself, presumably remembering their earlier conversation, “but I guess you know them best. Should we do a toast?”
“Sure,” Isak appreciated the gesture, though his eyes flitted nervously towards the wine. His father got up to retrieve the bottle, taking their plates to the sink at the same time.
“Hey, can I ask you something?” he said once Terje returned.
Terje was distracted, shifting some of the takeaway containers, as well as filling up their wine glasses. “What do you want to know?”
“Lately, I’ve been trying to find out more about Mum. About her life, before me and Lea, because she never really talks about it,” Isak leaned back in his chair, gazing out the window. “So…I was hoping you could tell me about what she was like, when she was younger. Like, maybe back when you first met her. What sort of a person was she?”
Terje sat down in his chair. He rested his chin on his fingers, as he contemplated his answer.
“She was stubborn, like me,” he said, smiling to himself at some distance memory, “like you and your sister. And very smart. In medical school, we’d end up arguing with each other for hours, in the middle of class discussions, about the validity of some scientific study or another. No one else could get a word in. It used to drive the professors nuts.”
Isak smirked. He could picture that so clearly in his head, knowing what he did about both of his parents.
“She pushed me harder than anyone else. We were constantly competing with each other for top grades. I would stay up all night before any class we had together, studying hard, because I was terrified of her beating me in a debate,” Terje chuckled. “She could drive me crazy. But…I admired her. I admired her intelligence, her drive, her passion. I admired her faith in her religion, her sense of morality, her commitment to what she knew was right. I admired her strength; the fact that she’d built herself up from nothing - no family, no money - to become such a success. I admired that she’d chosen a career in medicine for all the best reasons, not because she was chasing fortune, or esteem, or the approval of anyone.”
“It must have been hard on her,” Isak sad sadly, “when she couldn’t practice anymore.”
“I don’t think was ever the same,” Terje agreed, voice breaking slightly. “She was so mysterious, too, even back then. She never talked about her past, so of course there were plenty of rumours about her. How she was secretly a famous artist. How she’d travelled to all these exotic locations. Mysterious Marianne. I supposed that was part of the allure.”
“She had lots of men after her?” Isak grinned.
“There were a few, yes,” Terje admitted. “She didn’t seem that interested, though. She was mostly focused on studying, and volunteering at the church. I have no idea why she decided to look twice at me.”
“Maybe she thought arguing about old medical journals for the rest of her life seemed like a good idea,” Isak joked.
“Maybe,” his father laughed, before growing oddly quiet. “She’d done a lot with her life, but I think being a mother was the thing she was most proud of. You and Lea were the only blood relatives she’d ever known. When you were both young, sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night and find her sitting next to your beds, watching you sleep. If I asked why, she’d say she was afraid you might wake up from a bad dream, and she wouldn’t be there for you. Then she’d cry and tell me that no child should have to wake up alone.”
“Did you ever ask what that was about?” Isak asked. “It must have come from somewhere.”
“I think that I was afraid of the answer,” Terje frowned. “There was a lot of things I should have asked her about. Sometimes I wonder that if maybe I’d forced her to talk about her past more…if I’d convinced her to open up…maybe it could have made a difference.”
“I don’t think it could,” Isak said sadly. “I don’t think it works that way.”
Terje’s shoulders sagged. He briefly became lost to something that was akin to grief.
“I still love her, you know,” he confessed. “Perhaps not in the way I once did, but, all the same. I probably always will.”
Isak wasn’t sure how it felt, hearing that. It would take some time before he knew.
“Her psychiatrist says she could be coming home in the next month,” he said, hoping it would brighten his father’s mood. “They can continue treating her as out-patient.”
His father smiled, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“I’m glad,” he said. “You know, I always thought that you and your sister were all the best parts of Marianne and I. You’re better people than I’ll ever be.”
“Dad…” Isak shifted uncomfortably. He wasn’t used to hearing his father display so much emotion.
“I love you both very much.”
“It’s okay,” Isak cringed, “I know. You don’t have to…”
“No, I do,” Terje said firmly. “My father never told me, Jan or Therese that he loved us, right up until the day he died. I don’t want to make the same mistake. I’ve already made plenty of my own.”
Isak blushed furiously. “You’re not actually that bad. As far as parents go.”
Terje smiled. “It’s okay, Isak. I know you love me too.”
“Oh my god!” Isak hid his face in his hands. This was really too much.
Terje laughed. He picked up his wine glass, holding it out across the table. “Anyway, a toast. To you and Even moving in together.”
“And to Mum,” Isak added, picking up his glass as well, “and…to being honest?”
“To new beginnings?” Terje suggested, sounding hopeful.
Isak smiled, clinking their glasses together.
“To new beginnings.”
***
Friday, 3 March, 2017
19:15
The buzzer rang while they were watching TV in the living room, Even lying down with his legs thrown across Isak’s lap.
“Shit, shit, shit,” Lea’s anxious voice echoed from the open bathroom door. It was followed by a clattering sound as she sorted through her makeup.
“Do you want us to get it?” Isak called out to her, twisting to look over his shoulder.
“No!” Lea’s response was quick and panicked. She raced out of the bathroom, holding an eyeliner pen aloft. “No, don’t. That would be so awkward. You’ll freak him out.”
Isak glanced at Even, who rose both his eyebrows, clearly amused. He had been no help at all through this whole process. Lea had brought home more sketches with more terrible English puns from this Christian guy over the past week, and of course Even approved. He even went so far as to tell Lea that he ‘liked his style’, which had earned the biggest eye-roll ever from Isak.
“We still have to meet him though,” Isak said seriously. “That was the deal. And remember, you have to be back by eleven.”
Lea narrowed her eyes at him. “Midnight.”
“Eleven,” he repeated. He tried not to look at Even, who was grinning stupidly.
“It’s just a birthday party, Isak,” she huffed. The buzzer rang again. “Okay, fine. Eleven. I’m getting the door. Don’t say or do anything embarrassing.”
“Why does she think I’ll be embarrassing?” he muttered, as she hurried off.
Even sat up and kissed him on the cheek. “Baby, you’re not embarrassing. You’re very cool.”
Facetious bastard. Isak grinned and shoved his boyfriend playfully.
“She’ll be fine,” Even assured him. “You remember what middle school parties are like. They’ll probably just share a few cruisers and play spin the bottle.”
Instinctively, Isak pulled a face. He used to hate spin the bottle. And the thought of some gross, pimply fifteen-year-old dudes sitting in a circle with his little sister…
“Or maybe not,” Even added quickly, when he saw his reaction. “Sorry, I’m not really helping, am I?”
They heard the front door open, both immediately pausing to listen in.
“Hey,” Lea’s voice had a slightly different tone than usual. Like she was trying to sound older.
“Hey,” a male voice answered.
An incredibly awkward, elongated silence followed.
“My brother and his boyfriend want to meet you,” Lea sounded flushed. “I’m sorry if that’s weird.”
“Oh! Uh, no. That’s fine.”
Isak noted that the guy sounded nervous at the prospect. Good. He locked eyes with Even before they both stood up, just as Lea and her date appeared. He wasn’t sure why, but in his head he’d been picturing Christian as an overly buff, smirky, Penetrator Chris type playboy. What he got instead was the exact opposite - a lanky, anxious kid with thick glasses, who looked as though a strong wind might blow him over. He hoped his surprise wasn’t too obvious.
“Hey, Christian?” Even smiled and extended a hand to him when no one else spoke. “I’m Even.”
Thank God for his boyfriend, Isak thought, or the three of them probably would have gone on standing there like gormless space cadets. He waited until they shook hands, then approached.
“Isak,” he introduced himself, not managing to smile as much as Even did, “Lea’s brother.”
“Christian,” the guy’s hand trembled a little bit when he held it out. It was enough to make Isak actually feel bad for him.
“So you guys are going to a party?” he asked conversationally.
“Uh, yeah,” Christian tried to meet his eyes for a second, before they darted away shyly. “Just a few people from school. It will be pretty tame.”
“Okay, cool,” he nodded. From the corner of his eye, he saw his sister blushing furiously. “It’s not too far from here?”
“No, not really. I thought we’d cycle over there on my bike,” Christian glanced at Lea. “Um, if that’s okay with you?”
“Sure,” Lea’s reply was overly casual.
“I guess you guys should get going,” Even said, after another uncomfortable pause. There was a glint in his eyes which indicated he was still finding this very entertaining. “We don’t want to keep you here all night.”
“Yeah, okay,” Christian seemed relieved. “It was nice meeting you both.”
“You too, man,” Even rose his eyebrows in Lea’s direction, which made her blush even harder.
“Remember, back by eleven,” Isak couldn’t resist adding, narrowing his eyes at his sister.
“Isak!”
“Oh, that’s totally fine,” Christian added hastily, “my mum wants me to be home by eleven thirty, anyway.”
He shook hands with both of them again. At least he was pretty polite. It didn’t come across as an act, either.
“Ready to go?” he asked Lea.
She gave him a shy smile and nodded. He started to head for the door. Lea hesitated, glancing back at Isak and Even.
“He seems nice,” Even said encouragingly, which seemed to make her relax a little.
“Remember to call us if you need to, okay?” Isak reminded her. He thought for a second, then sighed. “And…have fun.”
Lea’s expression softened at that, regarding him with something akin to gratefulness and affection. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, hugging him the way she had when he first came out to her, what felt like an eternity ago. She let go and then hugged Even too in the same manner.
“Bye,” she smiled and gave them a tiny wave, then followed Christian towards the door.
Once he was gone, Isak released a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding in.
“You did good,” Even placed a hand on his back.
“Yeah? It wasn’t too much?”
“No, it was perfect,” Even leaned in and kissed him sweetly. “Beer?”
“Fuck yes,” Isak laughed. He was pretty sure he’d earned it after that.
He followed Even into the kitchen, leaning against the wall while he watched him open the fridge and fish around inside. He was smiling to himself, which must have looked ridiculous, but he didn’t care. Even though it was a common sight now, seeing Even standing in his kitchen, wearing Isak’s oldest hoodie with the sleeves rolled up, treating this place like it was his own home, filled him with a deeper happiness than he’d ever known before. Absently, he wondered if it would ever stop being surreal. If he’d ever be able to look at this person, who he loved so much, without thinking that he couldn’t believe he was his.
“What?” Even laughed, seeing that he had a captive audience. He closed the fridge door, two beers held in one hand between his fingers.
Isak shook his head, grinning. “It’s nothing.”
Even narrowed his eyes at him playfully, until they were laughing together at absolutely nothing. He uncapped the bottles and handed him one.
“So it looks like we’re alone tonight,” he said somewhat coyly. He kept his gaze locked on Isak as he took a long drink.
“Looks that way,” Isak agreed, with an overly casual shrug. It hadn’t escaped his notice. Noora was crashing at Eva’s for the weekend, and Eskild had managed to convince Linn to go clubbing with him after they both finished work (Isak suspected it had been some form of blackmail). The fact that all this coincided with Lea’s party/date night was a very happy coincidence.
Even looked around the empty room and nodded to himself. “What do you think we should do?”
Isak took a swig from his beer, pretending to think long and hard. “Well, I guess we could go to that party Magnus and Vilde were talking about…”
Even’s eyes widened, and for a second Isak was worried his boyfriend didn’t realise he was joking.
“Or, I don’t know,” he smirked, “I could probably come up with some other ideas…”
***
Isak straddled his boyfriend’s naked body on the bed, drinking in the slender but firm chest. The long, pale neck just begging to be licked and sucked. Those pretty lips, already swollen from kissing. Blue eyes that were an ocean he could easily drown in. He grazed his fingers slowly from shoulders to pecs, scratching just lightly, smirking at the soft moan that was elicited when he reached his nipples.
How had he gone so long without this before? He dipped down to reach Even’s mouth, kissing him with everything he had. His erection pressed into his boyfriend’s stomach as he did so, the contact against Even’s soft skin making him even harder. When it made Even moan again, he took the opportunity to slide his tongue past his lips, tasting and exploring him.
Even’s hands reached behind him and gripped his thighs, tantalisingly close to his ass. The guitar-made calluses on his fingertips were almost bruising when they dug in, but the urgency of his touch only made Isak want him more.
“You’re so hot, Even,” he murmured breathlessly when he broke their kiss, the words exiting before he even had time to think. He kissed a trail across his jaw and onto his neck, tongue darting out to lick teasingly. “Fuck, you make me so hard,” he whispered hot against the flushed skin, before he sucked it into his mouth.
Even liked this, he had been learning. Liked it when Isak took control during sex, driving their lovemaking, and he was more than happy to oblige. He’d slowly been gaining more confidence in bed, and felt eager to show his boyfriend just how far he’d come since their first time. He positioned his hips so that the tip of Even’s engorged dick brushed teasingly against his entrance.
“Issaaak,” Even drew out each syllable, long and low in the back of his throat, and Isak preened. He loved the way his name sounded on that beautiful boy’s mouth.
He pulled off Even’s neck, revealing a sensitive red spot. That was definitely going to leave a mark, but he wasn’t going to waste time worrying about it. He reached for the lube left nearby on the bed, squeezing some onto his fingers.
Even breathed heavily, waiting silently when Isak straddled him again. That adorable quiff of hair had come loose again on Even’s forehead. It made Isak smile, which awarded him the most stunning smile in return. God, his boyfriend was perfect. He ached at the thought of having Even inside him. Fucking him. He knew exactly how he wanted it, too. It was something he’d wanted for a while, but he’d been too scared to ask until now. He almost did, once, before he passed out drunk after a party. Not this time, though. This time, he was going to go for it.
Gently, he pushed the lube-coated fingers inside himself. He gasped at the sensation, only wincing slightly, aware of just how much pressure he was able to take. His eyes closed while he adjusted. When he opened them again, Even’s lips were parted, and he was staring at him intensely. Hungrily. His boyfriend’s hands slid up his thighs and grabbed his ass while he drove deeper into it. He imagined it was Even’s cock thrusting up into him instead, and he heard himself whimper.
Isak saw Even reaching for the lube, the other hand still squeezing his ass cheek, and his anticipation rose. Even let go long enough to empty some out of the tube, before both hands were back. An oiled finger slipped inside to help, stretching him out further. He pulled his own fingers out and let Even take over.
“Fuck, Even,” he cried out, when Even managed to hit his prostate. He rocked back onto his fingers, wanting to feel it again.
He almost complained when Even eventually stopped and pulled out of him, until he went for the lube and a condom instead. He looked over his shoulder at his boyfriend’s dick, the head already wet and leaking. The sight of it made him suck in his lip. He wondered what it would feel like to have Even go in raw, though he knew his boyfriend was incredibly pedantic about using protection, having it drilled into him from a young age. He watched Even’s hand slide the condom down over his length.
“This is kind of hard when I can’t see what I’m doing,” Even admitted with a grin.
“Do you want me to move?” Isak asked. He carefully gaged the other boy’s reaction.
Even rose his eyebrows at him suggestively. “What do you want?”
He could sense Even’s hand moving slowly up and down the length of his shaft behind him, coating it with the lubricant. He licked his lips.
“I want to stay here,” he replied. “I want you.”
The look Even gave him then was all he needed. His hand went behind him again to curl around Even’s dick, lifting up onto his knees, guiding it towards his entrance. He let go when Even’s hand took over, the other grasping his hip, steadying him as he lowered down.
“Oh fuck,” he groaned, louder than ever, as Even filled him. He took him as deep as he could, wanting all of it. Began slowly sliding up and down, inching increasingly lower every time.
“Are you okay?” Even’s voice was hoarse and overwhelmed. He had grabbed onto both of Isak’s hips, now, allowing him to use his hold as an anchor.
Was he okay? Isak let out a breathless chuckle, resting his palms gently against his boyfriend’s chest.
“You need to stop being so fucking considerate,” he teased, right before pushing back and taking the full length of Even’s cock inside him. He let out a noise he never thought he’d be capable of making. It was better than anything else. It was everything.
Isak tried to find a rhythm, moving his hips in slow, circular motions, listening to the little groans and grunts of pleasure they elicited from his boyfriend. The movements gradually grew bolder and faster, until he was bouncing up and down on Even’s dick, the hands on Even’s chest and the feeling of Even’s hands on his hips the only thing keeping him grounded.
“God, yes,” he keened, words spilling out of him once more, “Even…Even…”
He said his name again and again. His boyfriend held on tighter, then started fucking up into him in time with his movements. Isak’s head fell back. He was losing all sense of anything around him. Anything but how tight, and good, and wonderful this felt. How he wished that Even could keep thrusting into him forever.
He arched further backwards, shifting his hands to rest on either side of the bed behind him, angling so that Even could move more easily, penetrate deeper. They were both making wordless sounds now with every thrust, their bodies drenched with sweat. As Even pushed into him again and he pushed down, he felt Even hit that sweet spot and nearly screamed.
A few more strokes and Isak knew he was close. Even must have noticed too, releasing one of his hips and squeezing Isak’s throbbing cock instead. He pumped him until he was coming all over his hand and stomach, crying out Even’s name one last time. With one final, shuddering thrust he felt Even release into him as well, moaning something that might have been ‘Isak’, but could have been anything else as well.
It was a few seconds before either of them tried to move. They were both a mess, covered in seamen and sweat, struggling to catch their breath. Even was well and truly wrecked, and Isak was certain he must have looked the same. As he came down from the high of his orgasm, he started to feel a little embarrassed by how carried away he’d gotten. He blushed when he tried to look into Even’s eyes, but was reassured by that beautiful smile once again. The unfaltering adoration that was written so plainly on his face.
He lifted off slowly, Even holding onto the base of his dick to help make it easier. Isak grimaced as he shifted out of his position, lying back down on the bed.
“Leg cramp, I think,” he explained, when Even appeared concerned. His boyfriend winced sympathetically. He waited until Even had taken the condom off and cleaned himself up, before curling into his side.
“That was…wow,” Even seemed to lack the words, laughing at his own incoherency.
“Wow,” Isak repeated, grinning through his exhaustion. He rested his head on his favourite spot on Even’s shoulder, elbow bent and arm lying on his chest. They were both still sticky and sweaty, but he couldn’t have cared less. “I’ve wanted to try that for a while, actually.”
“Really?” he felt Even trying to look at him, lips grazing against his hair. He nodded and they smiled. “Feel free to suggest more ideas, if you want. It’s worked out pretty well for me so far.”
Isak giggled. He tiled his head just enough to lazily kiss Even’s chest, receiving a kiss on his forehead in return. Fingers gently stroked at his hair. He knew he could fall asleep like this, without a second thought.
“How long until we have to get dressed?” he asked, somewhat regretfully.
Even leaned over to check his phone, careful not to move Isak too much.
“Like an hour and a half, I think,” he said. “Maybe make it an hour, to be safe. We can chill here for a bit, before we’d need to take a shower.”
“Cold shower,” Isak reminded him, laughing wryly.
“It might be lukewarm,” Even grinned, “I’m optimistic.”
***
Saturday, 4 March, 2017
15:24
“They’re here,” Isak whispered in his boyfriend’s ear, eyes on the door.
The couple that had just walked into the studio apartment had, without fail, been at every single house inspection Isak and Even had attended that afternoon. Two women in their mid-twenties, one with curly auburn hair, and a slightly taller brunette. The brunette noticed them first and her brows furrowed. She rested a hand on her girlfriend’s back, whispering something in her hair.
“Shit,” Even muttered, “I was really hoping they didn’t know about this place.”
This tiny apartment was easily the nicest place on their list. Even though they were only looking out of curiosity for now, Isak could tell that this was a rare find. Affordable, close to everything they needed it to be, full of light and overall in a pretty good condition. Compared to everything else they’d seen so far, this was heaven. Sure, the four flights of stairs they’d have to climb each day could get annoying, but Isak would take that over mould in the bathroom any day of the week.
“I think we need to come up with a tactical play,” Isak said seriously. Their main competition were now circling the tiny but quaint living-slash-sleeping area, and he could tell they were thinking the same things he was.
Even spluttered, touching his arm tenderly. “Okay,” he played along, “what do you suggest?”
Isak chewed on his lip thoughtfully. He reached for his boyfriend’s hand. “Follow my lead.”
He walked over to where the other couple were standing next to the window, dragging Even behind him.
“Not much of a view, is it?” he said disdainfully, as he stared outside. He turned to look at the women and gave them his most charming smile.
The brunette didn’t seem too impressed. She smiled politely nonetheless. “Lots of natural light, though.”
Isak shrugged nonchalantly. “Yeah, I guess. Not that there’s much space to light up. It’s pretty tiny.”
“That’s true,” the redhead conceded, looking into her girlfriend’s eyes, “it’s a really small apartment. And the neighbours are all right on top of each other. I bet you could hear everything through these walls.”
“I think I saw the people next door going into their apartment with a pram,” Isak laughed. “Imagine if they have a screaming kid, up at all hours of the night. That would be the worst.”
Even rose his eyebrows at him, knowing full well that he’d seen no such thing. Isak ignored him.
“So I guess you’re not going to put your names down for this place?” the brunette asked.
“I don’t know,” Isak glanced at Even, “it’s got a lot of problems. It might not be worth it, if you ask me.”
“We should have a think, too,” the redhead said, touching her girlfriend’s arm.
The brunette narrowed her eyes in his direction. Isak was pretty sure she could see right through him, which was unfortunate.
“Excuse us,” she put her arm around the redhead’s shoulders, steering her away from them.
“I don’t think she fell for that,” Even laughed.
Isak grinned back at him. “It was worth a shot. Want to see the kitchen?”
The kitchen was small, but larger than Isak would have expected, which he could tell made Even happy. His boyfriend walked around and opened all the cupboards and drawers for the hell of it, even turning the sink taps on and off.
“It’s really nice,” he said definitively when he was finished, leaning against one of the counters.
“It is,” Isak agreed, somewhat disappointedly. He knew they were only looking today.
His boyfriend smiled at him in sympathy, perhaps trying to cheer him up.
“So the way I see it, that main room can be for eating, sleeping and hanging out,” he explained, “and this room is for cooking, dancing and serenading you.”
Isak groaned. “Yeah, no. We’re supposed to be mature adults now, remember? That means no more dancing and singing stupid pop songs.”
“Are you sure?” Even smirked teasingly. He started bobbing his head in time to imaginary music, humming the tune to ‘5 Fine Frøkner’.
“Please stop,” Isak folded his arms, biting the inside of his mouth so he wouldn’t smile. How did he end up with such a dork?
“I think you secretly like this,” Even came up directly in front of Isak, still dancing and embarrassing the hell out of him.
Isak rolled his eyes, as exaggerated as possible. “No, I don’t.”
A man who had been inspecting the apartment wandered into the kitchen at that moment. He froze in his tracks when he saw Even dancing, becoming flustered when he realised he had no idea how to react.
“Just so you know, I don’t know this weirdo,” Isak told him earnestly. “Never seen him before in my life.”
The man blinked a few times, then laughed nervously, before immediately backing out of the room again. Even lost it, collapsing against Isak’s shoulder, laughing so hard he was shaking.
“You okay there?” Isak asked in bewilderment, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s back. “At least your weirdness is getting rid of the competition.”
“My dancing isn’t that bad,” he protested, once he’d recovered.
“It’s pretty bad, Even.”
The bubbly real estate agent who had greeted them at the door walked in while they were still giggling and hugging against the counter. She beamed broadly, the picture of professionalism.
“What do you boys think so far?”
They untangled from each other and stood up properly. Isak coughed into his hand.
“It’s awesome,” Even told her, glancing at Isak and making him blush. “I love how much light there is.”
The agent nodded eagerly. “Do you have any questions for me about the space?”
Isak thought for a moment. Yesterday, his father had sent him a text containing a ridiculously long list of questions he should ask during rental inspections, but of course he hadn’t really bothered to read it.
“When can new tenants move in?” Even asked.
“Well, the current tenants will be moving out at the end of the month,” the agent informed them. “We expect the apartment can be available from early April.”
“That’s a good while away,” Even remarked, looking hopefully at Isak.
Isak grinned. “We could move in during the Easter break.”
“It sounds like you both are interested,” the agent said happily. “The inspection is ending soon, but I’ll have some forms ready at the door, if you want to register an application.”
“Thanks,” Isak answered.
As she walked away, his head was already filling with images of what their lives might be, if this apartment was theirs. Of lazy Sunday mornings playing FIFA in bed. Of Even cooking and singing to him in this kitchen (okay, maybe he did like it after all). Of the boys coming over for pre-games, talking and laughing together around their table. Of Sana visiting for study sessions. Of their families dropping by. Their Kollektiv family. Lise and Petter. Henry and Elina, with their boys. His Aunt Anita. Lea. Terje. Marianne.
“What do you think?” he asked Even, knowing he was probably beaming like a complete fool. “Should we go for it?”
Even nodded instantly, leaning over to kiss him. “There’s just one thing I want to try first. One last test, to make sure it’s perfect.”
Isak frowned, puzzled. “A test?”
“It’s a bit lame,” Even admitted, sounding hesitant. “Don’t laugh, okay?”
Curiously, Isak followed him out back into the living area, which was now almost completely empty of people. He pulled something out of his jacket pocket, flattening it and holding it against the wall. He studied it silently for a few seconds, before nodding to himself, as though he had made up his mind.
“Okay, yeah,” he said, “I think that looks like it belongs here.”
Isak came up behind him, so that he could see. He smiled wide, when he realised what it was.
Alt er love.