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"Bill, we have done a most excellent job in cleaning our apartment."
"That's because you did a totally awesome job tackling the washroom. The sink's so clean, I could see myself in it!"
"Yah! It's a mirror sink!" Ted grinned, taking a moment to bask in his own great work. "But you are non-heinous with a vacuum. There's nothing left on the floor at all!"
"I just hope I didn't suck up anything important."
Indeed, it had taken a few hours, and most of the money they had left from their latest paychecks, but somehow Bill and Ted had managed to get their apartment as clean as it ever was. Not only that, but they'd managed to pick up some decorations, which they were now admiring from their spots on the couch.
"So do you think the princesses will like it?" Ted asked, eyes on the HAPPY 521ST BIRTHDAY banner he'd carefully pieced together.
"Of course," Bill reassured him. "They love us, after all."
Bill half-expected an air guitar from that, but instead Ted only looked sad. Obviously, asking about it was the right thing to do, and so Bill did.
"Is something the matter, dude? I mean, we are on the eve of a most auspicious occasion. The princesses will be five hundred and twenty-one years old, and we'll get to audition for the Battle of the Bands and then party. If you have any hesitations, perhaps it would be better to voice them now, rather than be caught worrying when we should be giving the Princesses a totally happy day."
"I know. It's just…." Ted sighed and looked down at his can of soda, clutched tightly in both hands. "Did you ever think it would be like this?"
Bill blinked, confused. "In what way, dude?"
Ted shook his head. "It's just… we were told we were gonna be big rock stars and change the world. And we told the Princesses we'd give them a totally awesome life."
"We did do that," Bill agreed. They really did, after all—the future said so. "And I think they're happier now than before they were supposed to marry those royal ugly dudes."
"Maybe, but…"
"But what?"
Ted fiddled with his pop tab. "While we did go on a most excellent adventure, and Rufus did tell us that our music would change the world, it has now been five years, and we still don't even know how to play."
"The princesses are pretty stellar musicians, though."
"They are. But they've also had five hundred more years to pick up skills."
"That is a most astute observation."
Ted sighed. "And not only are we behind them musically, but we hardly make enough to cover this apartment from Pretzels 'N' Cheese. And I had to borrow money from my dad to get our van repaired last month. And that was after we sold blood to score this awesome couch."
Bill took a moment to let this all soak in before responding. "I will admit, Ted, when Rufus told us all about the future, I did not think that this would be our then-future now-present. I am afraid that the future he described is taking far longer to materialize than is at all ideal. However, if the princesses are willing to stick with us through all of this, think about how awesome it will be when we can treat them all real-princess like, the way they deserve!"
"Rock star-us could probably buy them a castle."
"Yeah, and totally rad clothing and jewels."
Was that air guitar worthy? Bill thought so, and this time, Ted joined in. Only after they stopped did Bill think about the next part of Ted's problems.
"We really should propose to them, then, huh?"
"We should've ages ago," Ted agreed. "But there are several things that I believe keep holding us back."
"Like what, Ted?"
Ted held out one finger. "For one, like we have previously discussed, our combined income is heinously low, making it hard to create a life that we'd want to offer them to share with us."
"This is true," Bill agreed.
"For two, I've totally never written a vow before."
Bill shrugged. "You're the lyricist, dude. You'd think of something."
"Maybe," Ted allowed.
"Or we could write them together."
"Also maybe," Ted replied. He took a look at his two fingers, and then took in a deep breath. "And for three…"
"For three?" Bill prompted.
"For three… while Elizabeth is a bodacious and most historic babe, who is the most excellent keyboardist I have ever heard, and while I know that your feelings for Joanna are quite similar… I find myself conflicted."
"Maybe it is just indigestion," Bill suggested. "I mean, you did ingest a totally liberal amount of nacho cheese after work today."
Ted sighed. "I don't think it's indigestion, Bill. It's just that… while I do think that we are most fortunate to have such outstanding princess babes in our lives…" He let his hand fall to his lap. "I feel as though I would be giving up something important by giving myself to her."
"How so?" Bill asked. "I mean, you hardly even looked at another babe when Missy married your dad, and she totally invited all her sorority sisters again."
"I know, Bill, but if we were to get married, it would then be Bill and Joanna, and Ted and Elizabeth. And then it wouldn't be Bill and Ted anymore. And as much as I love Elizabeth, and I know you love Joanna… she's not the most important person in my life."
"But you can't exactly propose to me, Ted."
"I know," Ted sighed. "Sometimes I wish I could, though."
Bill reached for Ted's hand, guiding it away from the soda can and twining the taller man's fingers with his own.
"Look, Ted, do you really think I'd ever leave you?"
Ted shrugged his shoulders, his grip tight on Bill's offered hand. "I mean, Joanna is a pretty good reason."
"She is," Bill agreed. "But I do not see any reason why we should have to choose one or the other."
Ted looked at him for a moment, confused. "What do you mean, Bill?"
"I mean, I don't see why it has to be Bill and Joanna or Bill and Ted. Why can't it be Bill and Joanna and Ted?"
"You mean Bill and Joanna and Ted and Elizabeth."
"Or Joanna and Bill and Ted and Elizabeth."
"No way. You should totally get first billing, Bill."
"Why thank you, Ted. Maybe Bill and Ted and Elizabeth and Joanna, then."
"You're serious, Bill?"
Bill nodded. "Remember back when we were in Medieval England the first time? And you fell down those stairs while wearing that suit of armor?"
"Yeah. And then I totally saved you by hitting that knight dude over the head with a bone."
"It was a most triumphant moment of bravery," Bill agreed. "But if I may be serious, there were a couple minutes there when I thought I'd lost you. And, I mean, I totally wanted to avenge you. And I totally tried. But I think back on that moment a lot and you know? If you were really dead, and couldn't've saved me, as much as I would not have wanted to die… I think living without you would have been worse."
"Well yeah. Then you would have had to go to my dad and tell him why I was no longer there."
"Well, that too, but more… I couldn't imagine life without you. Listen, Ted. We've been friends since, well…." Bill paused for a moment in thought. "Actually, Ted, we've been friends so long that I cannot think of a time that we weren't. And then we started a band, and I think we both knew that was forever, even if we were destined to be washed out nobodies with guitars, rather than future superstars destined to save the world through the power of rock."
"What are you saying, Bill?"
"What I'm saying is that even before our most excellent adventure, there was no-one I'd rather be with. And now, well, I cannot imagine us living apart either."
"Oh." Ted took a long drink from his soda, chugging the rest of it down, and placed the empty can on the table beside him. "Would now be an appropriate time for a hug, Bill?"
"Now would most definitely be a most appropriate time."
Maybe Ted settled closer to Bill, making sure they were in physical contact after the hug. If this were the case, Bill said nothing about it.
"So what do we do about the princesses?"
"Well," Bill said. "Tomorrow's the Battle of the Bands audition. If we make the cut, we propose to them. And then, if we win…"
"The contract could be our jumping off point," Ted finished.
"Yah. And then, when we're on our way up, we could marry 'em."
"But then what about us?"
"It'll be a double wedding," Bill explained. "We ask them to marry us. We all kind of end up semi-married. And then we live together, and create the universe's most excellent tunes, and we stay that way until the end of time."
"Do you really think that's possible?" Ted asked.
Bill nodded. "I really do."
Ted nodded. "Okay. Then we should probably start writing proposal speeches, huh?"
"We totally should," Bill agreed, and he scrambled to grab some pens and paper. "Hey. Do you know any good forest animals?"
"I don't know," Ted replied, "But I'd totally trade you for an ocean fish…."