Chapter Text
Here's the thing you have to understand about Murphy. He is a fucking rock. In the good way but also in the bad way. He is steady and you can count on him until the end of the world and probably past that, if he thinks you need him. But he's... Hard to read. The first time we hung out, I thought he was having an awesome time but later Octavia told me he'd been losing his mind the entire time and it was one of the worst nights of his life. And it's obvious, now, in retrospect. There were so many little things that gave that away. But if you don't know him fucking intimately, you'd never know.
Not that I know him intimately.
Not that it'd be your business if I did.
But I don't.
Anyway.
So he's a rock. Nothing in, nothing out. Nothing shakes him, at least on the surface. But here's the thing; secretly, and he'll kill me for telling you this - but he's gonna kill me anyway, so that's fine - he's the most sensitive person you'll ever meet. You'd never know! But he is. He like, cries at those stupid military homecoming videos and when he sees a puppy he loses his shit and when he thinks you're lying, he shuts down. Trust is everything for him. Trust and routine and consistency.
I guess that's important to me, too.
So here's what happened.
I convinced Murphy to lie. I convinced him to lie to everyone, just about, and tell them we were dating. We weren't - we were best friends. Or at least, he was my best friend. But I basically forced him to do this big stupid stunt and I don't even know why. There was no point. It was originally to make everybody happy - we know people 'ship' us. But I don't know if that was the real reason. Maybe I knew, already. I don't know.
I honestly can't tell you.
But I got him to do it. It wasn't difficult, Murphy is goddamn ride-or-die. Once he knew I wanted it, he was in. And I knew that and I took advantage of it and I'm so, so sorry.
Only, not that sorry. Because.
Here's the thing - we were pretending so hard to be together, we did everything. We kissed and touched and went on dates and showed off and it was so much fun. I... Don't date much. You may have noticed that. I don't like it. But it was fun, to pretend with Murphy. To pretend to kiss and date and fall in love. It was fun.
Until it stopped being pretend.
And let me stop here because I'm sorry that we did this as a joke. I'm sorry, because I know some people were so happy and some people felt so validated and, I don't know, seen because of us. So to our lgbtq... Whatever, I'm sorry I don't know the whole thing - to them, I'm sorry. We see you and we love you and you are valid with or without us being in love.
But that's the thing!
At first, it was all a joke. It was this big game, this funny little side acting bit. Can we convince everyone we're in love? And we could! It was fun. But then, it stopped being a joke. Because I started to really fall for him.
In a way, that's when it all fell apart. Because I didn't just start to fall for him. I fell for him. Hard. I began to notice all the things I'd never noticed before, or re-notice things I already knew, just differently. Like, I knew he was patient. But I hadn't considered how much of my bullshit he puts up with. I knew he was like, objectively handsome. But I'd never noticed how his eyes change colour or like, how his hair falls in his face and the way his fingers are so long? When he brushes it away and it's just... I don't know. I'm sure some of you have noticed. I just never had.
The way his voice sounds in the morning, when I wake him up. Or right before he goes to bed, on the phone. I'd never noticed.
I should've noticed before.
Anyway, then he went away. And that wasn't ok. He'd never been away before. And I realised how much I missed kissing him and all the stupid things we'd been doing for pretend. I missed them and I wanted them back and I think that's when I realised it wasn't pretend for me. I really wanted to kiss him and hold him and I really loved him. And that was really strange for me but I was kind of ok with it.
So here's the thing. He doesn't believe me. And I don't know what to do. Remember I said he's like a rock? He's stubborn like one, too. I mean. Rocks are stubborn, right? Immovable, and all. So he doesn't believe me, and I don't know how to convince him. This was all I could think of.
So, youtube, here's the thing. I'm in love with John Murphy, and I used to be pretending but I'm not anymore. This is real. I'm sorry I lied and I'm sorry I made him lie, and I wish I could go back and just ask him on a fucking date instead of orchestrating this whole shitshow. But I didn't, and it's too late now. But I'm hoping it's not too late for this.