Chapter Text
Jack paced up and down his kitchen. He was well aware that Hammond had recommended that he, Carter and Daniel talk to the base shrink "at their next available opportunity". He was also painfully aware that he might actually need to this time. As much as he'd really rather not. But they'd been through one hell of an emotional rollercoaster and the glass...ok, third glass, of whiskey... wasn't likely to be enough to cut it when it came to processing those emotions.
First he'd woken up thinking his team was dead, that everyone he knew back on Earth was dead, and that some sick fate had decided he was deserving of survival. What had he felt then, he wondered. Sadness? Despair? Guilt? It had taken the wind and the fight out of him. And there wasn't much that was capable of doing that.
Then he'd found Carter. Relief? He'd definitely felt relief. If one of his team had survived then surely Daniel and Teal'c could have too. Joy? Well he'd found the smartest member of the team first and that was a sure fire way to get them out of this situation, so yeah, joy. And something else. Something that had led to more guilt. Something he really didn't want to have to share with MacKenzie. He barely wanted to acknowledge it himself. But now he was on the fourth whiskey and he found himself much more willing to think about the things he'd otherwise hide from even himself. So what was it?
He hated himself for it, but he knew full well that there was some physical attraction towards Carter going on. She'd been covered in nothing but a blanket, and instead of being honourable, or at the very least a decent commanding officer, and looking away or ignoring the fact that she was naked, he'd been completely unable to tear his eyes from her naked back. It was like porcelain. It had taken real restraint not to touch her skin. He hated himself a little bit for that. He was the dirty old man, leering after his subordinate just because she was an attractive woman.
'Not just attractive though', said a tiny voice in the back of his head. He downed the fourth glass.
The voice was right. She was smart. She was funny, when she was feeling confident enough to let her sense of humour out. She was kind. And her eyes sparkled when he told jokes.
He did stop himself going with that train of thought. Because physical attraction could be fought, or at least hidden. But thinking about her other attractive qualities... that way feelings led... And he could not, would not, develop feelings for his second in command. She deserved better.
He eyeballed the bottle again, and decided better. Sleep. Sleep would solve this problem. It was just the result of thinking she was dead. It would be gone tomorrow, he was sure.