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She’s three months along when she bumps into Jess. Like literally, rams her shopping cart into his as she turns a corner in search of fried marshmallows. At first, she’s surprised because what the hell is he doing in Stars Hollow on a Tuesday night? The surprise doesn’t wear off but she does realise that she’s been staring at him opened mouth for a handful of seconds so she blinks before she clears her throat. In her defence though, he seems just as shocked. Which really, is sort of stupid since he knows she lives here and he’s the one who usually visits.
“Jess,” she says. Then, “hi.”
She’s always been highly eloquent.
Jess smiles, that sort of half smile he always does when he sees her except this time it doesn’t reach his eyes. Then again, the smile hasn’t reached his eyes in ages.
“Rory, how are you?” he asks. His hair isn’t as long as it was when she saw him a year ago, but his beard is thicker.
“I’m great!” she says, a bit too enthusiastic. He glances down at the basket in her hands which coincidentally happens to be the exact moment she remembers that she’s three months pregnant and Jess has no idea. If he notices the bump, he says nothing. “How are you?”
“I’m good too,” he answers and there’s a beat of awkward silence before she asks him.
“What are you doing here?”
“Had to pick up a couple of things,” he answers easily. Rory resists the urge to snort.
“I mean here in Stars Hollow, Jess,” she clarifies even though she knows he knows what she meant. Luke didn’t mention him being in town and neither did her mom so she assumes neither of them know.
“Needed a few things,” he repeats and Rory knows she lost the privilege of knowing Jess’ secrets years ago but it still stings when he doesn’t tell her. She nods.
“Well, it’s nice seeing you, Jess,” she says and he nods.
He looks to the left before reaching out for something. He hands her a pack of fried marshmallows, and she feels her lips twitch.
“How did you know?” she asks and he grins this time.
“I know you well enough, Gilmore,” he answers and it reminds her so much of sixteen years ago that she feels herself tearing up. Like actually tearing up, with blurry vision and everything. She’s pretty sure this is 75% her pregnancy hormones acting up and 25% how miserable she feels about life at the moment, but she can’t stop the tears from forming and god, Jess freezes up before he reaches for her arm.
“Rory? Are you okay?” he asks, voice concerned. His eyebrows are furrowed and he looks worried. His hand hovers awkwardly right above her arm but she nods, swiping at her eyes.
“Yeah, sorry, sorry. Just remembered something,” she says and her voice actually quivers. Rory has never been religious but if there’s a God up there, she could really use some help right now. Jess’ concerned expression doesn’t fade away and Rory doesn’t know what else to say except the truth because she doesn’t want Jess to think she’s lost her mind or something. So she does.
“I’m pregnant,” she sort of blurts out. Jess has always been good at masking his emotions so it doesn’t surprise her when he doesn’t react except for his eyebrows raising slightly.
“Congratulations, Rory,” he says and it sounds so formal.
“Thank you,” she replies. She cannot believe the first person she’s told outside her mother, her grandmother, Luke and Lane is Jess but she guesses it suits the irony that her life has become.
“Right anyways, I should go,” she adds. He nods but before he can say anything, she’s heading towards the express counter and shoving her debit card into the machine before she’s heading out of the store and straight into her car. She tries not to think about what just happened on her way home.
Try, being the key word.
***
When she heads down to breakfast, Luke is already there, grilling tomatoes and scrambling eggs simultaneously. Rory grabs a slice of toast and shoves a fairly ginormous spoonful of eggs on the top before squeezing ketchup on it. Luke scrunches his nose and Lorelai snorts.
“You two have disgusting eating habits,” he says and her mom nudges his hip with her own as she pours herself a cup of coffee.
“How’d you sleep, hun?” her mother asks, and Rory shrugs.
“Alright,” she answers. She tossed and turned for an hour before she got up and ate half the fried marshmallows and when she felt like she was going to hurl, she headed back to bed.
“More eggs?” Luke asks, as he places the pan on the table. Rory shakes her head but her mom grabs a fork and eats straight from the pan. Luke is not amused.
“Hey Luke?” Rory starts, because she has to know. Luke looks up from his plate, fork halfway to his mouth. “Did you know that Jess is in town? Or at least was.”
“What?” Luke says, fork dropping back down on his plate. Lorelai looks just as surprised, eyebrows raised over her coffee mug.
“Yeah,” she says. “I saw him at the store last night.”
“He didn’t tell me,” is what Luke says and Rory feels bad. She knows that Luke and Jess are fine now, but even then, Luke constantly worries about him.
“I don’t think he was here for long,” Rory says in the hopes that Luke feels better. Luke nods, still looking troubled.
“How is he?” Lorelai asks, and Rory shrugs.
“He’s good,” Rory says. And then, “I told him I was pregnant.”
Luke’s eyes widen, almost at the same time that her mom chokes on her coffee.
“You did?” she asks, and Rory nods.
“I didn’t mean to, it just sort of happened,” Rory says and well, it’s not a lie per se. Lorelai nods, looking unconvinced and Luke is watching her carefully.
Rory groans. “Okay, fine. I started tearing up and he looked freaked out and I didn’t want him to think I was unstable or something, so I told him the truth. Blame my pregnancy hormones, not me.”
“That makes more sense,” Lorelai says and Rory glares at her before shoving a piece of toast into her mouth.
“You okay, Rory?” Luke asks and Rory shrugs.
“M’fine,” she says, almost defensively. Luke looks unconvinced but he nods, and she’s grateful.
“Okay. Well I’m heading to the diner now, so I’ll see you two later,” he says.
He kisses her mother goodbye before he puts on his coat. Lorelai heads to the sink, dropping the dirty dishes. Luke squeezes Rory’s shoulder and Rory feels a surge of affection for him. “You can talk to me if you need to, kid,” he says before he leaves and she nods.
Lorelai comes back, and sits opposite to her.
“You okay, kiddo?” she asks, and this time, Rory doesn’t say yes.
“I don’t know why I started crying but I just felt so, old,” Rory says. “And then he said something that reminded me of when we were sixteen and the nostalgia hit me like a truck and ugh, Mom. I’m a mess.”
“Oh, hun. You’re the furthest from a mess,” her mom says and Rory snorts.
“I’m pregnant with Logan’s baby and I haven’t told him yet and I have no job,” she says and her mom comes around and wraps her arms around her. Rory sinks into the hug, feeling like a little kid again.
“Babe, you know you’re not alone in this right?” she asks and Rory nods.
“I know,” she agrees. “I have you and Luke and Lane and Sookie and Grandma and Paris, when I get around to telling her.”
“No, I mean, it takes two to tango. Maybe you should tell Logan,” her mom suggests and Rory’s knows she’s right but it feels odd.
“I know,” she concedes and Lorelai squeezes her once before moving away. “I’ll call him or something.”
“That’s my girl,” Lorelai says before kissing Rory’s forehead. Rory tries to ignore the knot forming in her stomach.
***
She calls Logan a week later and when she tells him, the line goes quiet for at least a minute. She hasn’t spoken to him since the last time they hooked up which feels like eons ago. Rory feels like she’s going to puke and it’s not because of the morning sickness.
“What can I do?” Logan asks, after. And hey, it’s not a bad response. It’s not the ideal response, but it’s better than she expected so the knot in her stomach that’s been there since she talked to her mom eases.
“Nothing, for now. I just thought you should know,” she replies. She hears him shuffling on the other end.
“What about the appointments?” he asks, almost tentative.
“I usually go to those with my mom, sometimes Luke.”
“Right, yeah.”
“Uh, would you like to come?” she asks, because it seems like the right thing to do. “There’s one later this month.”
“Yeah, Ace. God, that would be great,” he says and he sounds relieved. She’s relieved too. She gives him the details and he promises to be there and when Rory ends the call, she feels a weight loosen in her chest. She tells her mom about it that evening and Lorelai smiles, her I told you so look etched on her face. When Luke comes home later that evening, Rory tells him too and he looks relieved.
“I’m glad, Rory,” he says, sounding genuine and she hugs him.
“Speaking of telling people about Rory’s bun in the oven, did you ask Jess why he was in town?” Lorelai asks and Rory rolls her eyes at the mention of The Revelation which is what she decided to call her kind of emotional breakdown in front of Jess.
“Yeah actually,” Luke answers. “He drives through here for work sometimes.”
“Well the next time he’s here, we should have him over,” Rory says, surprising herself too. Apparently Luke and Lorelai are just as surprised. Which she means, in all fairness isn’t odd. Her and Jess, although not ending on awful terms still aren’t on the best of them. They’re friendly and she’ll always care about him. They’re just not friends. Which, in all honesty, is something Rory tries not to dwell on because losing Jess as a friend is probably one of the things she regrets most in her life. “Oh come on, Luke. He’s your nephew. He’s practically family.”
Lorelai scrunches her nose. “That’s kinda gross, kid. You know, since you two…”
“Oh my god, Mom,” Rory groans just as Luke says “Jesus, Lorelai,” and Lorelai cackles.
“Ignoring your immature wife,” Rory starts. “I think it’d be good to have him over.”
Luke smiles at her. Lorelai looks proud over her coffee cup.
“I’ll let him know,” Luke says. When he leaves the room to fix the porch door, Rory catches her mom looking at her.
“What?” she asks, and Lorelai shakes her head.
“You’re a good kid, Ror,” is the response she gets.
“I’m thirty-two,” Rory reminds her and her mom smiles.
“You’ll always be my baby,” she says and Rory hugs her then. “It means a lot to Luke you know. Jess is his only family.”
“I know,” Rory agrees.
And she does. She knows how much they both care for each other and in all honesty, it made her sad to see Jess in Stars Hollow but not with Luke when Luke is the only parental figure he’s ever had.
“I think this’ll be good,” Lorelai says and Rory hums in agreement.
She thinks so too.
***
Logan does show up for the doctor’s appointment. He’s nervous but he squeezes her hand when the nurse puts the gel on her stomach and he shakes Lorelai’s hand hello. It’s weird and surreal but not awful, and maybe, Rory thinks, they could do this co-parenting thing. He looks overwhelmed when he sees the ultrasound and Dr. Cho and Lorelai give them a moment when the screening is done.
“You look great, Ace,” Logan says and Rory smiles.
“You too,” she returns. “Nice suit.”
“Business meeting after this,” he explains as if he isn’t always wearing something bizarrely expensive. Rory nods.
“How’s your….”Rory starts and Logan seems to catch on.
“She knows; I told her everything. It took a lot but we’re trying to work through things,” he explains. Rory nods, again.
“I’m glad,” she says. She doesn’t want to think about the details of how this will work if Logan gets married and her kid has a mother and step-mother before it’s even born or how it’ll grow up with her parents not together. It’s hard to ignore but she has too much on her plate as is, and Logan only just found out.
“Thanks for telling me, Ace,” he says after a beat of silence.
“You have a right to know,” is all she says back and he smiles, eyes crinkled. Logan promises to come to every appointment from now and she tells him that she’ll send her his schedule. Before he leaves, he turns to her and squeezes her hand.
“We’ll get through this.”
Rory nods, and hopes that they will.
***
Logan’s promises are something Rory has learnt to not put faith in so it bothers her when she still gets disappointed after he doesn’t show up to the appointment. He’s missed two before this, each time for a business meeting. This time, it’s because he promised Odette he’d go cake tasting with her. He sends Rory flowers each time and each time, she throws them out. She’s almost six months along now and she spends so much time icing her swollen feet that they’re in a constant state of being freezing cold.
“I can’t believe I thought he’d take this seriously,” she grumbles as Luke places a grilled cheese on her plate. It’s her third one so far. Lorelai looks at her with sympathy and Rory hates it.
“I’m sorry, hun,” she says and Rory shoves the sandwich into her mouth. “He’s an idiot.”
“He’s an entitled rich, man-child is what he is,” Luke says as he sits at the table. “Sending her flowers. Who does he think he is?”
“Logan Huntzberger, CEO of Huntzberger Enterprises,” Rory says because that’s what the card that comes with the flowers always says.
The phone rings, interrupting them and Rory shifts to get up.
“I got it, sweets,” Lorelai says before heading to the counter. Rory settles back into her chair, reaching for her sandwich.
“Jess, hi!” Lorelai says and Rory’s head whips around at the same time as Luke’s. Lorelai continues speaking, ignoring both Luke and Rory who are giving her questioning looks. She invites him over for dinner before she hangs up the phone.
“He’s in town?” Rory asks and her mom nods.
“Said he texted Luke but never got a response,” Lorelai says. “Husband, you do realise that the use of a cellular mobile device is to communicate with people right?”
“I can’t find the charger,” he grumbles and Rory grins.
“Did you check your truck?” she asks and he looks thoughtful for a moment, before he excuses himself. “Every single time.”
“Sooooo, Jess is coming over,” Lorelai says and Rory gives her a look.
“Yes, I did hear you invite him over, Mom. I’m pregnant, not deaf,” Rory says but she feels nerves settle in the pit of her stomach.
“It’s times like these that I regret you getting my natural wit,” Lorelai says and Rory snorts. “But seriously, kid. You okay?”
She’s not surprised that her mom catches on to the fact that she’s nervous; it’s a known fact that Lorelai Gilmore can read her like a book. Rory nods and her mother squeezes her shoulder.
“The last time I saw him, I broke down and probably terrified him so let’s just hope I don’t sob tonight,” Rory half jokes and Lorelai grins.
“I’m sure he’ll understand if you do, sweets. Technically, he’s your step-cousin and you know how the saying goes. Blood is thicker than water,” she says and Rory scrunches her nose.
“Mom, a) that’s disgusting. And b), we’re not blood related,” Rory says. Lorelai smirks.
“Told you it was gross,” she says and Rory sticks her tongue out.
***
Jess comes around at seven thirty and by then Rory feels like she could eat a whole horse and still not be satisfied. She’s been eating spoons of cookie dough when the doorbell rings and she offers to go get it. When she opens the door, she’s greeted to his half grin. He glances at her stomach for a millisecond before he greets her.
“Rory,” he says. “How are you?”
She moves to the side and he walks in, leaving his jacket on the coat rack. She shuts the door behind them.
“I haven’t seen my feet in weeks, and my ankles have been in a perpetual state of inflammation since January,” Rory answers and Jess looks amused. “But other than that, fantastic.”
She’s thankful nothing is bizarrely weird between them since The Revelation, and the nervousness that had been floating around her chest has settled.
“Sounds nice,” he says just as Luke walks into the room. Rory excuses herself and heads to the kitchen, giving them a moment. Lorelai looks disinterested, stirring the pasta sauce that’s bubbling on the stove. She visibly perks up when Rory walks in.
“You know, kid, I don’t know how neither of us have heart disease given that the only times we ever had healthy meals were at Grandma and Grandpa’s house,” she muses and Rory grins. Those dinners seem like a lifetime ago and even though her grandmother isn’t that far away, it’s weird knowing the house in Hartford is empty and that she’ll never see her grandfather again. She ignores the hollow feeling in her chest and takes the spoon from her mother, who looks grateful.
“Jess is here,” Rory says, aiming for conversational and clearly failing since she can tell that her mother is observing her behaviour.
“I thought I felt an air of broodiness waft into the house,” Lorelai says. Rory rolls her eyes. “For a second, I hoped it was Jon Snow.”
“Your obsession with that show is unhealthy,” Rory replies. She turns the stove off and adds a sprinkle of oregano to the sauce.
Before Lorelai can come up with a response, Luke walks in with Jess right behind him.
“Hello Lorelai,” he says and for a second, Rory is sixteen again and nervous about her mother’s reaction to Jess. By the look on his face, Jess feels similarly. Lorelai pulls Jess into a hug, one he returns with a stiffness characterised from years of being Lorelai’s not-so-favourite person. Rory isn’t surprised; Lorelai has softened up to Jess over the last decade or so. She always assumed it was because of Luke.
“You look scratchy,” Lorelai returns.
“I’m trying something new,” he says and Lorelai smirks. One side of Jess’ mouth twitches upwards. It’s jarring, watching her mother and Jess actually get along. Sixteen year old Rory would have probably cried tears of happiness.
“Rory’ll show you the backyard, while I watch Luke finish the sauce,” her mother says, giving Rory a pointed look.
“Still can’t cook?” Jess asks. Luke snorts.
“They wouldn’t be Gilmores if they could,” he says and Lorelai sticks her tongue out at him.
“Luke redid the patio and built a gazebo over Christmas,” Rory says because she realises she hasn’t said anything since they walked in. “I’ll show you.”
He nods, and she leads him out back. The air is February cold and Rory loves the feeling of the cold against her skin. She takes a deep breath, letting the frigid air settle in her lungs.
“It’s nice,” he comments and Rory hums.
“It took Luke a whole week and he wouldn’t come in even when the wind chill factor was increasing. Mom was freaking out, she thought he had lost his mind,” Rory explains.
“Yeah, that sounds like something he’d do,” he says. They stand in silence for a handful of seconds before Jess speaks. “How’s your, uh-“ he stops here, gesturing to her stomach. The action is so very Jess like that Rory feels a wave of nostalgia hit her. She grins.
“My abdomen is fine, yes,” she answers and he rolls his eyes.
“I meant your kid,” he counters.
“Well you pointed to my stomach.”
“Where your kid is growing.”
“Technically he’s growing in my uterus.”
She sees him still, shoulders suddenly straight.
“It’s a boy, then?” he asks, almost tentative. Rory nods.
“I haven’t thought of a name yet,” she says.
“What’s the male version of Lorelai?” he asks and Rory laughs. It surprises both of them.
“Don’t say that too loudly, you’ll give her ideas,” she says, only half joking because she’s fairly sure if there’s a male version of the name, her mother would incessantly beg her to name him that.
“When’s he due?” he asks.
“Mid-June,” she answers and he nods. And then, “aren’t you going to ask me who the father is?”
She blurts it out which is a very-Rory like thing to do which surprises her since she hasn’t felt like herself in ages. Maybe he brings it out of you, she thinks before she’s squashing the thought and focussing on the fact that she’s apparently lost the ability to hold normal conversations with Jess Mariano without bringing up some aspect of her pregnancy. He’s quiet for a moment and she can see the gears working in his brain.
“It’s none of my business,” he says, finally. It stings, his answer. But she knows it’s true. They’re not friends anymore, and they’re definitely not dating and she only ever talks to him every once in a few months. Before she can respond, Luke is calling them in and Rory is almost grateful when she’s handed a plate full of pasta and doesn’t have to talk anymore. Clearly, she’s lost the ability to not make things painfully uncomfortable when Jess is around.
He leaves at ten, and Rory ignores the pang in her chest when she watches his car pull out. She ignores the look her mother gives her and the nostalgia and embarrassment that tangle in her gut. She ignores it all, and heads to bed.
***
Rory goes into labour two weeks early, while Paris tells her about the thesis paper she’s working on, over lunch at some vegan restaurant that’s full of twenty something year olds wearing floral patterned shirts with tattoos winding down their arms. It’s an odd choice for Paris but Rory goes with it. She’s eating her second falafel taco and listening to Paris talk about the mechanism of a bionic arm when she feels her water break. The seat she’s in is suddenly drenched and she takes another bite of her taco before clearing her throat.
“Uh, Paris?” she says and Paris stops talking, mid-sentence. Her hair is shorter now, coming up to her jaw and she wears red lipstick all the time. It suits her.
“You’re interrupting me, Gilmore,” she says, voice fond.
“My water just broke,” Rory explains and Rory would be amused with Paris’ reaction; springing out of her chair and yelling for someone to call 911 before coming to stand by Rory, if she wasn’t currently in labour.
“Okay, oh my god, Rory just take deep breaths. The ambulance is on its way,” Paris says, sounding nervous.
“Paris, you’re a doctor. How are you this nervous?”
“My best friend just went into labour, two weeks early, I have every right to freak out,” Paris counters, sounding annoyed. She holds Rory’s hand throughout the ambulance ride, even when she’s on the phone with Lorelai.
Three hours later, Rory’s contractions have increased and she feels herself growing tired. The pain is too much and too frequent and she feels her eyes start to water. Lorelai is by her side in a second, holding her hand. Paris is out getting ice and Luke is pacing the hallway, still no good with hospital rooms or blood.
“This is awful,” Rory pants after a particularly painful contraction. Her skin feels drenched in sweat and her hair sticks to her neck.
“Tell me about it kid. Imagine doing this at sixteen,” her mother says and Rory smiles, teeth still gritted.
“Where’s Dr. Lou,” Rory almost whines and her mother strokes her hair. Fifteen minutes later, Logan arrives, looking frazzled and bright eyed.
“Rory,” he says, coming to stand by her side. “How are you?”
“Managing,” Rory grits out before another wave of pain washes over her. Paris looks disgruntled at Logan’s presence but says nothing. Neither does Lorelai. Luke nods at him, but that’s it. Dr. Lou comes in a half hour later and by then, Rory thinks she might pass out from how tired she is.
“How are you doing, Rory?” she asks.
“Managing,” Rory says, repeating her words from earlier and Dr. Lou smiles. She looks under the sheet that covers Rory before announcing that she’s ready to give birth. Everyone but Lorelai and Logan leave the room, Luke pressing a kiss to her forehead and Paris squeezing her hand on their way out.
“Okay, Rory. I’m gonna need you to push,” Dr. Lou says and Rory takes a deep breath before doing as she’s told. Lorelai holds her right hand, and Logan her left and Rory feels tears stream down her face. She pushes and pushes and pushes, and after what feels like hours, she hears a small cry that grows louder and louder as the seconds go on.
When she’s handed her bundle of a son, Rory starts crying again. So does Lorelai, and she’s pretty sure Luke is too. Paris is taking pictures on a polaroid camera she got from Spain and Logan is standing next to her. Their son reaches out for Logan, and Logan places his finger in the tiny fist.
“Sebastian,” Rory says. “Can we call him Sebastian?”
Logan nods and Rory presses her nose to her son’s. “Hello Sebastian.”
He gurgles, before burrowing further into the blanket he’s swaddled in.
“Alright, let’s give her some space. She needs the rest and so does he,” the nurse says and Lorelai is the last to leave the room.
“I’m so proud of you kid,” she says and Rory smiles as her mother places a kiss on her head, and then her grandson’s.
Rory feels herself drift off into sleep, the warm weight of her son in her arms.
***
Sebastian is seven months old when Rory decides she wants to move back to New York. She tells Luke and Lorelai this over dinner, and Lorelai’s jaw falls open and Luke’s spoon clatters onto his plate.
“You can’t be serious,” he says and Rory gives him a sheepish look.
“Luke, I’ve thought it through and-“
Her mother interrupts her, voice serious. “Rory, he’s seven months old. How are you going to manage on your own?”
“I got a job offer,” she explains. “A good job, for a news channel. I can’t give it up.”
“Rory, sweetheart-“ Lorelai starts but Rory doesn’t let her finish.
“I’ve lived there before, I know it well. Plus, Logan’s there too. Sebastian will be closer to him, and I can hire a nanny for when I have to head into work but they told me that it’s totally fine for me to send in my work from home for now. Please Mom, I need this.”
And she does. It’s been so long since she’s been happy and content and she’s spent far too long making bad decisions and regretting them as soon as she had to face the music.
There’s a pregnant silence before Luke speaks.
“If you’re sure you can do this, then fine, you have my blessing.”
Lorelai looks at him carefully before turning back to Rory.
“If, even for a second, it becomes too much, then you come straight back here. Do you understand me Rory?”
Rory nods, before getting out of her chair and hugging both of them.
“You guys are the best,” she says. “Also, I leave next week.”
“You what?!”
***
Emily Gilmore visits two days before her flight out to New York. She’s wearing pearls and jeans and Rory hugs her for a whole minute before she pulls away. There’s a glow in her cheeks that hasn’t been there since Richard passed away and Rory is so relieved that she’s happy.
“And where is my beautiful great-grandson?” she asks, handing Rory a neatly wrapped present.
“Asleep, grandma,” Rory answers, setting the box aside.
“Mom,” Lorelai says as she walks into the room. She’s holding a spanner in one hand, and pop tarts in the other. Emily smiles, and Lorelai sets down the spanner and pop tart before dusting her hands on her jeans and pulling her mother into a hug. Luke greets her with a handshake and Emily hands him a tool box.
“There’s a power drill in there that my neighbour insists is the best one right now,” she says and Luke looks puzzled but smiles.
“Thank you, Emily,” he says and she shrugs.
Rory gets into an argument with Lorelai and Luke over dinner.
“Mom, I can go myself. I’m thirty two,” she says, sounding tired. Sebastian gurgles next to her, and Emily bops his nose.
“You’re travelling with a baby, Rory,” her mother says. “That’s not easy.”
“I’ll be fine,” Rory insists. “Paris already set up my apartment and Logan is coming by that evening to make sure everything is in check.”
“And you believe him?” Lorelai asks, one eyebrow raised. Rory opens her mouth to respond, before she closes it. She slumps in her seat, knowing her mother is right.
“If you’re not going to let either of us drop you off, at least let me get Jess to pick you up from the airport,” Luke says, always diffusing the tension. She hasn’t spoken to Jess since a few weeks after Sebastian was born; he had called to congratulate her. The conversation had been fine until they ran out of things to say and then there were awkward goodbyes. But she knows neither of them will concede and that this is probably the only way they’re not going to be continuously freaking out over the fact that she’s travelling on her own.
Rory sighs. “Fine, he can pick me up. But only if he’s not busy.”
Luke looks pleased. “I already asked him last week, and he agreed.”
“Jess is that one who came over with a black eye, if I’m correct?” Emily asks and Luke stills. So does Rory. Lorelai rolls her eyes.
“Oh, calm down. I liked him,” she says before digging into her burger. Lorelai squints her eyes and Luke looks surprised. “What? He had character.”
Well, she’s not wrong, Rory thinks.
***
She lands in New York, tired and with a very disgruntled Sebastian. He wouldn’t stop crying on the plane and Rory kept sending the man next to her apologetic looks, which he didn’t respond to except for pointedly plugging his earphones into his ears. When Sebastian knocked over his glass of orange juice, Rory pointedly did not apologise. Now, he squirms in the pram and keeps making these noises like he’s going to cry but doesn’t. Rory pulls her hair into a ponytail before heading to the baggage carousel. She had sent most of her stuff a few days ago so she only has a bag, and she’s grateful that Lorelai had insisted she pack as light as possible.
As she walks to the arrivals, she feels nervous. It’s stupid, since this is probably the most put together Jess has ever seen her in the last year and a half but she wonders what he thinks of the whole situation. If he knows that she made the exact same mistake with Logan that she did with Dean, only this time she’s twice as old but still as foolish.
The only silver lining is Sebastian.
She spots him easily, hair shorter but still longer than it ever was when they were sixteen. He still has the beard but he’s wearing a button down instead of a jean jacket and he’s actually got nice shoes on. It surprises her; the most official she’s ever seen him. She waves at him and when he sees her, he smiles, barely there but she still notices. He grabs her luggage before hauling it into the boot of the car, and slams it shut before he stills and turns to her, looking guilty.
“What?” she asks him, and he looks down at Sebastian.
“I thought he was asleep so when I closed the boot, I was worried I woke him,” Jess says.
“He’s too squirmy to fall asleep; he was terrible during the flight,” Rory says. “Don’t worry, you definitely didn’t wake him.”
“Right well, aren’t you going to introduce me?” Jess asks. Rory nods, feeling flustered for a second before it passes.
“Right. Jess Mariano, this is Sebastian Huntzberger-Gilmore,” she says. If Jess is surprised that the father is Logan, he doesn’t mention it. Hell, he doesn’t even react. He bends his head slightly, his expression soft. Sebastian murmurs something, drool dribbling from the side of his mouth. He lifts a tiny hand, and grabs at Jess’ beard before letting go and settling his head into the crook of Rory’s neck. Jess smiles.
“He looks like you,” Jess comments. “Eyes, hair, everything.”
“Hopefully he gets my dazzling personality too,” Rory jokes but there’s a weird expression on Jess’ face. He doesn’t smirk or chuckle; he just watches her for a moment before he gestures to the car.
“We should get going,” he says. “Traffic at this time is horrible.”
Rory nods, before heading to the back seat. Jess helps her with the car seat and surprisingly, Sebastian doesn’t fuss when she buckles him in. He drops his head, resting it on the back of the seat and his eyes begin drooping. Finally, Rory thinks.
The first few minutes of the car ride are silent, save for a Fleetwood Mac record that’s playing softly. Rory can’t stand it.
“So, how’s work?” she asks because apparently their friendship-slash-acquaintanceship-slash-whatever has now been reduced to generic chatter.
“It’s alright,” he answers. Rory’s very close to sighing in frustration or maybe telling him his communication skills have worsened over age before he elaborates. When he does, she’s relieved. “I’ve got this manuscript that’s pretty good and the kid writing it is only nineteen.”
“They’re like you then,” Rory says. Jess snorts.
“Don’t insult him,” he counters. Rory snorts.
“Alright Mr. Self-Depreciative.”
“I got him something,” he says, suddenly. “Sebastian, I mean. He probably won’t be able to use it until he’s six tops, but.”
Rory is stunned, just for a second though, before she clears her throat. She feels her ears heat up.
“You didn’t have to,” she says.
“I know.”
And God, isn’t that a summary of their relationship.
“So,” she says. “What is it?”
He grins.
***
She’s staring at the case of Roald Dahl books that sit on the kitchen counter, when Paris walks in. She looks bright eyed, although her hair is mussed up from the wind.
“Trying to burn a hole into those books, Gilmore?” she asks, setting a brown paper bag down next to them. Rory raises an eyebrow. “Paninis from the best deli in town.”
Rory reaches into the bag, grabbing one. The feeling of the grease and the smell of the cheese make her realise how hungry she is. Her stomach grumbles and Paris smirks.
“So. Why exactly are you staring at those books like they’re the world’s most confusing things?” Paris asks, taking out a sandwich. Rory takes a bite before she answers.
“Jess gave them to me,” Rory says. “For Sebastian.”
“Huh,” is all she gets back.
“What do you mean, huh?” Rory asks.
Paris shrugs. “It’s a thoughtful gift, is all.”
“It is,” Rory agrees although she feels like Paris has more to say. Paris is finishing up her sandwich and Rory grabs a bottle of water for each of them, before she sits back down.
“I’ve always liked Jess,” Paris says after a moment. Rory gives her a look. “What? He’s probably the smartest boyfriend you’ve ever had. Least dick-like too.”
“Dean’s not horrible,” Rory argues but it sounds weak, even to her. “And Logan is,” she pauses here, unsure of what to say. Paris laughs.
“I have to head to out,” she says and Rory nods. “Don’t stare at the books for too long, Jess might be able to sense it.”
Rory glares at her retreating figure before she reaches for another panini.
***
“So I’m getting divorced, probably,” is what Lane opens with when Rory presses the accept facetime button. Rory almost drops the spoon of green peas she’s trying to coax Sebastian to eat.
“What?!” she almost yells, and Sebastian looks at her in alarm. She strokes her thumb across his cheek and he squints his face into a smile, before going back to playing with the mush of food in his bowl. She lowers her voice. “Lane, what happened? Are you okay? Oh my God, do you want me to fly out to D.C?”
“Rory, deep breaths. Don’t freak out okay? Also it’s literally been a month since you got your new job, I don’t think coming to D.C would be the correct move.”
“What happened?” Rory asks, again.
“We just aren’t right for each other,” she says. “I don’t think we ever were. We were too young to realise it then, and I guess ten years is kind of late, but.”
“I wish I could hug you right now,” Rory says, solemn. Lane smiles through the grainy screen.
“Me too, Ror. The boys understand though, so that’s some consolation.”
“If you need a break, I have a pull-out couch with your name on it. Steve and Kwan are invited too,” Rory says. Lane laughs.
“I’ll take you up on that offer soon,” she promises. “Anyways, onto less depressing things. Where’s my favourite Gilmore?”
“He’s currently trying to paint his bib the colour of green peas,” Rory says as she points the camera at him. Lane coos, and he reaches for the phone, waving wildly.
“He’s so big now,” Lane muses, when Sebastian has turned back to his now empty bowl of peas. “I can’t believe I haven’t seen you in five months. Tell me about New York.”
So Rory does. She spends a whole hour telling her about her work, about how her boss is so understanding and easy to talk to and how she’s doing an article on the fall of some senator who was caught having a relationship with a seventeen-year-old and Lane listens. Rory hadn’t realised how much she missed her until now; she’d spent the last month avoiding thinking about Stars Hollow too much, the nostalgia making her sad. Even her conversations with her mother were mostly about New York and how much she missed it or Lorelai telling her about how Luke almost physically fought a guy that broke the coffee machine at the café by throwing a fidget spinner at it.
She doesn’t mention Jess until the very end.
“Wait, so he picked you up from the airport and got Seb a gift?” Lane asks, when Rory mentions it. Rory nods. “Huh.”
“Paris literally said the exact same thing,” Rory says.
“Great minds,” Lane answers.
“What do you mean huh?” Rory asks.
“It’s a nice thing to do,” Lane says.
“Did you rehearse this with Paris?”
“All I’m saying is that Jess is a nice person.”
“The tone of your voice when you said huh, implies differently.”
Lane grins.
***
Logan cancels on her last minute because he has to fly to Kentucky for a business meeting and Rory wants to physically fight him. She has to go in to work today evening because it’s her submission deadline and the babysitter she usually calls is already booked and Paris is out of town and she’s on the verge of a breakdown when she tells her mother the whole thing.
“I hate him,” Rory says. “He’s irresponsible and selfish and God, mom, why does he always have business meetings?”
“Sweets, deep breaths. You still have an hour before you have to leave,” Lorelai says. Rory tries to regulate her breathing but she can feel her pulse ticking.
“I don’t know who to call!” she exclaims. “I only have Paris and Logan and she’s not in town and he has no sense of responsibility and the babysitter is booked.”
“Rory, breathe,” her mom instructs. Rory presses a hand to her forehead, and closes her eyes, inhaling. “I have an idea.”
Rory’s eyes snap open. “I’m all ears, mom.”
“Why don’t you ask Jess?”
“No ways.”
“Rory, come on. He’s technically Seb’s step uncle. Kind of. If you squint.”
“Gross.”
“Rory.”
“He does enough as is.”
Which is true. He’d come over a few weeks after she had landed to help her assemble some of her furniture which mostly consisted of her handing him random tools and him actually doing all the building. She’d never been good at wood shop.
“Ror, just ask him. He’s your only choice,” Lorelai says and Rory knows she’s right. She sighs. Five minutes later she’s dialling his number and he picks up on the second ring.
“Jess!” she starts with. “Hi.”
Real smooth.
“Rory, hi. How are you?” he says. His voice sounds rough, like he was asleep.
“Did I wake you?” she asks.
“Fell asleep reading a manuscript,” he says.
“Oh. That bad huh?”
“It’s a romance about a princess and a caveman named Cristiano,” Jess says and Rory laughs before she remembers why she called.
“Right. So I need a favour, and you can totally say no if you don’t want to or you’re busy or-“
“Rory, just tell me,” he interrupts, not unkindly.
“Yeah okay. I need to head in to work for a bit to submit my article and I don’t have anyone to watch Seb.”
“I’ll be there in fifteen,” he says, almost immediately. It jars her, and she’s unsure of what to say for a second.
“Are you sure? Because-“
“Rory, it’s fine. I have no other plans. I’ll be there soon.”
“You’re a lifesaver,” is what she settles on. She hears shuffling on the other end. “Really Jess, thank you.”
“Anytime,” is what he says. She hangs up, a smile on her face.
***
The subway takes a whole forty five minutes so it’s almost midnight when she gets back from work. Anamika had loved her piece, and sent it to the editors almost immediately. Rory can’t stop smiling and she’s pretty sure she gets a couple of glances as she walks back to her apartment but it feels so good to be doing something again. When she opens the door, she’s greeted to the sight of Jess dosing on the couch with Sebastian tucked into his neck. Something warm settles in her chest and she’s so tempted to take a picture. Sebastian sniffles, pressing his face into Jess’ shoulder and Rory smiles to herself. She’s careful not to wake Jess as she lifts Sebastian off of him, and tucks him into bed, but when she comes back into the living room, he’s awake.
He gets up from the sofa, hair slightly disheveled and stretches and Rory watches the muscles in his back move. When he turns around and sees her, he smiles.
“I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” he says.
“It’s a miracle you got Seb to sleep, so your nap is very well deserved,” Rory says.
“How was it?” he asks her, a moment later. Rory starts grinning and Jess notices, beginning to smile too.
“She loved it!” Rory says, and she knows she sounds like a kid but she can’t help it. If anyone understands the feeling of writing something and being proud of it, and having other people like it too, then it’s Jess. “She sent it to editing as soon as she read it. Jess, it made me feel so good.”
He’s still smiling when he speaks. “Knew you had it in you, Gilmore.”
“You did,” she agrees. “I mean, you’re the one who always knocks sense into me. The Yale thing, the book thing, I could go on.”
It’s not the answer he’s expecting and something changes in his expression but it’s gone before she can note it.
“I should get going,” he says. Rory tries to mask her disappointment.
“You can stay here,” she offers. “It’s late and the couch is semi-comfortable.”
He looks like he’s about to say no so she reiterates.
“Please, Jess. Just stay here tonight.”
After a moment, he nods. The disappointment fades.
***
“Sorry about how last minute tonight was,” Rory says. It’s two in the morning and she’s brewing coffee and he’s sitting at her dining table and it feels bizarrely domestic and some part of Rory’s mind goes to this could have been you two for the last decade if you hadn’t been selfish and she quickly stomps on the thought. He looks up from her article.
“Really, Rory, I don’t mind,” he says. “Sebastian’s my favourite Gilmore, anyways.”
“Hey!” Rory says, mock offended. He shrugs, grinning lazily and he looks exactly like the sixteen-year-old boy she met all those years ago.
“Logan cancelled,” she says after a moment. She sets their cups of coffee down and sits across from him. “He was meant to take Seb this weekend but he had some meeting in Kentucky.”
“That’s shit,” Jess says.
“It is,” Rory agrees. “I mean, I should be used to him being flaky because this is Logan we’re talking about, but I’m just disappointed, you know?”
And now that she’s started talking, it’s like she can’t stop.
“I know what it’s like having a crappy dad, and I always swore that I’d never make the same mistake and yet here I am. I don’t want Sebastian to feel like he was ever unwanted or unloved but when you’re a kid with an absentee parent, you can’t help but wonder you know?”
Jess nods. Rory’s on a roll, apparently because suddenly she can’t shut up.
“And the whole thing with Logan? Stupid! I did the same thing with Dean sixteen years ago and you’d think by now, I’d know yet here I am.”
She doesn’t know why or how the conversation has led them here but she guesses her brain has no filter when she’s around Jess. It’s always been easy talking to him.
“You’re too hard on yourself,” Jess says after a moment. He’s watching her carefully and she gives him a tired smile.
“That’s where you’re wrong,” she says. “I never took responsibility. Even when we broke up. I blamed you. And then when I kissed when we were twenty-one. It was mean and selfish and I did it because I’m mean and selfish.”
“You’re not,” he says, firmly.
“I am,” she counters. “You’re just too nice to say so. That tough boy persona when we were sixteen was so fake. You’re such a softie.”
And just like that, the tension is broken. Rory’s chest feels lighter than it has in years and Jess hides a smile behind his cup of coffee.
“I’m not,” he says but he doesn’t sound convincing. Rory grins, before she yawns. She takes that as a sign to head to bed.
“We should sleep,” she says and Jess nods, pushing his chair back and taking their cups to the sink. “Hey Jess?”
He turns around.
“I really am sorry,” Rory says.
“We both made mistakes,” is his answer and Rory shakes her head.
“Yeah, but I never apologised. You did.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I do,” she argues. “I was selfish.”
“Rory-”he starts but she cuts him off.
“Just let me apologise, Mariano,” she says.
“Not much of an apology if you’re forcing me to accept it,” he says and he’s smiling. She smiles back.
“I really am though. Sorry, that is,” she says. He nods.
“I know,” he says but he says it like it’s okay and Rory feels a weight lift off of her chest.
***
When she wakes up, she’s fairly sure it’s past noon. She feels groggy and disoriented before she realises she can’t hear Sebastian. She’s out of the bed in a flash, barging into the nursery and she lets out a breath when she sees Jess sitting with Sebastian on the floor, the latter throwing tiny cars in the air before giggling and repeating the process. Jess looks well rested but disheveled; he pushes the cars towards Sebastian, and Sebastian babbles before throwing them back. Rory feels her heart rate pick up.
“Oh God, I think I’m in love with you.”
Of course, she should have expected the word vomit. She is around Jess, after all.
Jess looks up sharply, his eyes widening and Rory would find it comical since he rarely expresses emotion but she’s probably just broken the friendship they literally reformed less than twelve hours ago.
“Oh my god, I didn’t mean that. Just forget I said anything,” Rory says. Jess is still staring at her, mouth slightly open.
“Rory,” he starts but she cuts him off.
“I need to give Seb a bath,” she says quickly and her face is probably completely red and she wants to yell at God, or something. She reaches for her son, and heads straight into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. Hopefully Jess leaves. Or forgets this ever happened. Or both.
Sebastian babbles as she lathers his hair and Rory feels her hands shake as she reaches for the mug of water. She can’t blame the pregnancy hormones this time, which in all fairness, wouldn’t be accurate even if she could. Her feelings for Jess, weren’t always strong but they always lingered. It was easy to ignore them when she never saw him, but she should have known they would not only, resurface at the most unnecessary time but that she would also blurt them out to him as he played with her son.
God, she wants to crawl into a hole and disappear.
She washes Sebastian off and by the time she’s towelling him dry, his eyes are droopy. She places him in his crib, and presses a kiss to his forehead before she tucks him in. When she goes into the living room, she’s doesn’t know whether she’s relieved or embarrassed that Jess is still here.
“We don’t have to talk about it,” he says, carefully. He’s watching her, scrutinising her and she shifts on her feet before she sighs.
“Yeah we do,” she says. She takes in a deep breath.
“I know it’s hard, being here without your mom. And that Logan isn’t the most reliable person, I get why you said it,” he says and at first, Rory doesn’t understand what he means. When she does, her eyes widen.
“Wait,” she says and he pauses. “What are you getting at?”
Jess gives her a pained look. “Listen, Rory. Like I said, I know it’s been hard and that you maybe felt vulnerable or something and,” he pauses here. He looks uncomfortable enough as it is, and Rory would laugh if she wasn’t already feeling incredulous.
“Jess,” Rory starts. “I want you to listen to me carefully okay?”
He looks unsure but he nods.
“I meant it.”
There’s a pregnant pause.
“Oh,” he says. “Oh well that’s-“
“You don’t have to feel sorry for me,” Rory interrupts. “We can still be friends. I mean, I’ll get over the crushing embarrassment of my lack of keeping things to myself if you can get over what I said.”
She’s half joking and she’s pleased when she sees his mouth twitch in amusement, but it’s gone in a flash and he looks serious.
“I don’t want to forget,” he says and oh, okay. Rory swallows, something warm settling in her chest.
“Huh,” she responds. “Okay.”
She doesn’t know who moves first but she’s tangling her fingers in his hair and he’s gripping her waist and they’re kissing. Rory feels as giddy as she did when she was sixteen. She tugs at his hair and he makes a low noise and the grip on her waist moves lower, settling on her hips. When she pulls back, his lips are red and his eyes are dark and Rory grins.
“I can’t believe you thought I told you I loved you because I was being vulnerable,” she says, resting her forehead against his. He scowls.
“I was being thoughtful,” he says, sounding almost defensive. And then, “hey Rory?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you too.”
She smiles.
“Are you sure you’re not saying that because you’re feeling vulnerable?”
He rolls his eyes. “I take it back.”
“You can’t,” she says.
“Okay,” he agrees. “I didn’t want to anyways.”
And then she’s tugging him towards her again.